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New Year's Eve had never been one of Hailey Upton's favourite holidays. When she was a kid, her father used the day as permission to drink himself into a violent stupor. When Hailey got older, it was parties with her friends, with too-loud music and cheap alcohol that tasted like anything but. Then she became a cop where holidays off weren't guaranteed, and there was a debate about which holiday was the worst to work. But really, in the end, the calls were mostly the same. Too much alcohol, too much family, too much drama.
Then she went undercover. And Ronnie Booth entered her life.
Hailey had spent more than her fair share of holidays in the hospital. Stitches, concussions, broken bones, all at the hands of her father. But this had been different. She'd spent days in the hospital recovering. Her body had been gone over with a fine-tooth comb. Just to be safe, Rafferty and Garrett had assured her, despite how many times Hailey had said she'd gotten away before anything had really happened. And for weeks after, longer really, Hailey would wake up in a cold sweat as the feeling of Booth's hands lingered on her, pulling at her clothes, groping her chest. Then she'd race to the bathroom and lose whatever was in her stomach. Even now, it made the bile rise in the back of her throat if she let her mind stay in the memories too long. But Jay had been right, once upon a time, while it was a part of her life, it wasn't who she was, and she'd learned to deal with all the feelings that cropped up in the days between Christmas and New Year's Day.
Nowadays, it mostly just triggered her insomnia and meant for a few sleepless nights, like the night before. Hailey had laid awake for a while and tried to let the sounds of Jay's gentle breathing lull her to sleep. When that didn't work, she eased herself out of bed and went to the living room. When tea and meditation didn't do anything to soothe the lingering anxiety she felt, Hailey grabbed a book from the shelf and settled on the couch. That's where Jay found her hours later when the sun had risen, and Hailey was on the final pages of The Hobbit.
When Hailey first told him that she suffered from insomnia, it was during an all-night stakeout in the early days of their partnership. He didn't like it. Sure they weren't really friends yet, but they were partners; he did care about her. When they became friends, Jay found he liked the thought of Hailey having sleepless nights even less. It was the same when he started to realize his feelings for her. And when they started dating. And when they got engaged. Now that they were married, even though it had only been a few weeks, it was safe to say that Jay hated Hailey's insomnia.
"Hey," he said, grabbing the pot of coffee from the machine to pour them each a mug.
Hailey shot him a tired smile over her shoulder. "Morning."
Jay brought their coffee over to the couch and passed Hailey hers with a small kiss. "You feeling okay?"
It was an out, and Hailey knew it.
They had plans that night. Nothing big, just meeting Will and the guys from 51 over at Molly's. It was something that made the day extra special, the rarity of so many of them having the same day off. It was a shame that Kevin, Kim and Adam couldn't join in. But Jay and Hailey had covered the Christmas shifts, so they were handling any calls that came in for the squad over the New Year. She and Jay wouldn't have to go in unless something major kicked off.
"I'm okay," she insisted. "I want to go. It'll be good to see everyone."
"Alright," Jay wrapped an arm around her. "We'll go. But I'm totally down for a lazy day on the couch until we have to leave. What do you think about that?"
Hailey leaned into his side and nodded. "Sounds like a great idea to me."
Molly's was already loud by the time Hailey and Jay arrived later that evening. But it was the best kind of loud. The kind that you knew was filled with nothing but laughter and stories and people just genuinely happy to be together. Walking through the doors and hearing the chatter in the air, it instantly relaxed her.
"I can't believe this is the first we've been able to meet up since you guys got married," Will said as they tucked themselves into the back corner of the bar.
"I can't believe that's the fifth time you've said that," Jay chuckled. Will had gotten to Molly's about an hour before they did, and Stella had immediately used him as a guinea pig for her new holiday cocktail ideas. "We're sorry you couldn't be there."
"It's alright," Will waved. "I get it."
"At least you got a phone call and an invite," Stella cut in on her way back to the bar. "The rest of us had to find out through Burgess and a mass text the next day."
"Sorry," Hailey called after her retreating figure.
"You're still getting a frilly bridesmaid's dress, Upton!'"
"It's Halstead," Jay shot back, and the three of them dissolved into laughter.
A while later, Hailey finished her second beer as Casey was catching them up about his life in Oregon. She stood up to get the next round for the table minus Will, who had been cut off. The bar was busy, with Hermann, Stella, and Ritter all working behind it. Hailey waited at the end where she had a view of her table, watching as Jay threw his head back and laughed at whatever Matt had said. "Well, there she is," a voice she didn't recognize said too loudly and way too close to her ear. "My midnight kiss."
Hailey looked up and saw a tall, broad man standing beside her. "Excuse me?"
The man reeked of alcohol. His dark blonde hair was spiked with liberal amounts of hair gel, and his whole appearance screamed 'frat boy who didn't get he graduated a decade ago.' He tossed his arm around Hailey's shoulder. "How you doing, Darlin'?"
Hailey shrugged his arm off of her. "Not interested."
"Oh," the stranger drawled. "Someone likes to play hard to get, huh?"
"Not even a little bit," she said, refusing to even look at the man.
"Come on, Baby, what's a guy gotta do to get a little lovin' from you," he leaned against the bar next to her, pressing in close. "I can beg if that's what you're into. As long as you promise to return the favour later."
Hailey held up her left hand, her black wedding ring stark against her light skin. "What I'm into is my husband."
But that didn't deter the stranger at all. "What the hell is that," he grabbed her hand. "Did he get that from a crackerjack box? Ditch the cheap loser," he suggested. "You get with me, and I'll make sure you get a rock that you'll need both hands to lift."
"Really? That's your line," Hailey ripped her hand away with an indignant laugh. "All that makes me do is wonder what you're compensating for."
Stella snorted from the other side of the bar as she set Hailey's beers down. Hailey grabbed them up and looked the stranger up and down. "I know you can't compete with what I already got. And I doubt you could even if I had half as much. So maybe do women everywhere a favour and stop trying. Might want to cut this one off Stell, maybe order him a cab."
Hailey turned away to head back to her table, but she didn't get far. The man whipped her around and slammed his lips onto hers. The first thing she felt was shock. Then anger. Then disgust, as the stranger tried to force his tongue into her mouth. Hailey dropped the beers to the ground and pushed her hands against his chest as hard as possible. His mouth pulled away from hers with a loud pop, and he stumbled back into some stools. They buckled and broke under his weight, and he fell to the ground in a heap.
The bar, once ringing and loud, went completely silent. Hailey could feel all the eyes on her as the tingling feeling rose up the back of her neck again, and she did the only thing she could think of. She ran. Out the door and to the gangway. She braced herself against the brick and heaved.
"Hailey."
She jumped at the voice and whipped around, reaching for a gun that wasn't there.
"Whoa," Stella held out her hands. "It's just me. Okay, only me."
Hailey felt her heart racing in her chest. She tried to take some deep breaths through her nose, but it felt like none of it was getting into her lungs. "Let's sit down," Stella grabbed a couple of cardboard boxes from beside the nearby dumpster and set them on the ground, leading Hailey down to sit on top of them. "There we go."
Hailey leaned her back against the brick wall and tried to do the count she was taught long ago. But she couldn't sync her breaths to it. It only made things worse. It was the simplest thing, and she couldn't even do it.
"Head between your knees Hailey," Stella said, guiding her down gently. "Just breathe deep and slow. That's it, that's all you got to do. Deep and slow. In and out. You got this."
Stella kept her gentle encouragement, and Hailey let the soothing tone wash over her. The crisp winter air cooled the burning feeling that had spread through her body. And finally, eventually, Hailey felt her heart begin to slow.
"Hey."
She looked up at the sound of Jay's voice. He was crouched in front of her, close but giving her plenty of space. She could see the worry etched on his face. Jay, it was just Jay, she reminded herself. Jay, with his green eye and skin dotted with freckles that she loved to trace on lazy mornings in bed. Jay with his strong arms and kind heart. Jay, who she was lucky enough to call her husband. Hailey leaned forward and all but collapsed in his arms.
She could smell his aftershave at once. Pine and spice and something else that was just him. His skin was warm as she pressed her forehead into his neck. Hailey could feel the tension in his shoulders as his arm came around her. "I'm fine," she choked out. "I'm okay."
"You sure?"
Hailey nodded and pulled back, but not out of his arms. "Yeah," she forced out. "Yeah. I'm good, just needed some air."
Jay nodded, but she could tell he didn't believe her. "Let's get out of here."
"No," she protested. "It's barely even eleven. I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking Hailey," Jay said. "I am. Please, can we go home?"
She bit at her lip. She should just suck it up, go back inside the bar and ignore any lingering eyes. Give Jay the time with his brother, his friends. Their friends. He was asking. But only because he knew it was what she wanted. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. But still, Hailey found herself nodding.
Jay gave her a smile and helped her up from the ground slowly. She hadn't realized it, but sometime after he'd gotten there, Stella had left. Hailey grabbed the boxes off the ground, chucked them into the dumpster, and reached for Jay's hand as he led them out of the alleyway.
"You wanna wait in the truck, warm up a little?" He asked as they rounded the corner. "I need to go back inside and grab our stuff."
Before Hailey could say anything, Stella popped out the door, their jackets in hand. "Thanks, Kidd," Jay said as he took them from her.
"No problem," she shrugged. "Everything all good?"
"Yeah," Jay nodded and helped Hailey into her jacket. "We're just going to head home. Can I settle up the tab tomorrow or the next day?"
"Don't worry about it," Stella shook her head. "And don't worry about Will; Kelly and I'll take him home."
"Thanks."
"Sorry about the stools," Hailey said. "Let me know how much they cost to replace, and I'll pay you guys back."
"You will absolutely not," Stella shook her head. "No way, Hailey."
She tried to say her thanks, but the words wouldn't come, so she offered a small smile instead. But Hailey knew it came out more like a grimace.
"You take care of my girl, Halstead," Stella cautioned as she headed back to the bar.
"I married her," Jay called back. "Doesn't that officially make her my girl?"
"Not even close," she cackled. "Call me in the morning."
"We will," Jay said. "Happy New Year, Stella."
"Same to you, Halsteads. Love you guys."
"What do you want to do," Jay asked when they entered their condo about twenty minutes later. "We could watch some TV, see if we can find a cheesy Christmas movie? Or we could turn in for the night, just curl up in bed and get some rest. Or if you need to be alone for a bit, I can jus—"
"A shower," Hailey stated. "I want to take a shower."
"Okay," Jay nodded and made his way to the kitchen pulling open the fridge. "Great, I'll cook you something for when you're out. We got…not much."
Ever since they got home late the night before, Jay felt like they'd forgotten to do something, apparently that something was grocery shopping. "I think we've got everything for grilled cheese," he shot her a sheepish look. "How does that sound? I'll get it started when I hear the water turn off. That way, it'll be hot and ready when you come out?"
"I'd rather you join me," Hailey said softly.
Jay looked over at her. She was twisting her fingers together, a sure sign she was nervous. "Are you sure?"
Hailey nodded, and Jay closed the fridge as she led the way through the living room, into the bedroom and to the bath.
The water was practically scalding when he stepped in and closed the door. Jay watched as the water cascaded down Hailey's back. On any other day, it probably would have mesmerized him, been his favourite view, but not today. Hailey didn't even look at him as he stepped further into the shower, but she did reach a hand back. He took it at once and let her pull him close until she wrapped his arms snug around her. Jay hooked his chin over her shoulder and pressed a kiss to the first bit of skin he could reach. "I love you so much, Hailey."
She relaxed in his hold, her back moulding to his chest as she ran her hands down his arms to play with his wedding ring. "I love you too."
They stayed under the spray until the water ran cold. Between Jay's soft hands, gentle words and the steady beat of the water on her skin, Hailey came back to herself more and more. She wrapped a towel tight around herself, and Jay did the same as they made their way back out to the bedroom to change. On the bed, both their phones were buzzing non-stop. He answered them as Hailey pulled on some sweats and her favourite Blackhawks hoodie.
"Do we have to go in," she asked.
Jay shook his head and gave her a soft smile. "It's after midnight," he showed her their phones, the screens full of text after text of the same three words. "Happy New Year, Hailey."
She pressed up on her toes and gave him a gentle kiss. "Happy New Year, Jay."
"Come on," he held out his hand. "Come with me. There's something I want to do."
Hailey let Jay lead her out into the living room and watched as he fiddled with his phone for a minute. When he slipped the device back into his pocket, the familiar chords of Auld Lang Syne filled the air. He looked at her with a twinkle in his eye as he held his arms out. "What are you up to, Jay Halstead?" she smirked, feeling more like herself than she had in days.
"I want to start a new tradition," he said. "Every New Year, after midnight, I want to dance with my wife. What do you say? You want to?"
Hailey nodded and settled one hand on Jay's shoulder as he wrapped his around her waist gently. He took her other hand in his, and she rested her head against his chest as Jay moved them in a gentle pattern about the room.
"I never realized before how much this song reminds me of you," Hailey mumbled when the chorus finished for a second time.
"Hmmm?"
She pulled back, but only far enough to prop her chin on his chest and look up at him. "Auld Lang Syne," she shrugged. "It reminds me of you."
"A song from the 18th century?" Jay asked and quirked an eyebrow at her. "I know I said I was old fashioned, but I didn't mean that old fashioned."
Hailey laughed. A full-on belly laugh. Jay could feel it shake her body and his as she tucked herself in close again.
"Not like that," Hailey said when she settled back down, her hands coming up to play with the fine hairs on the back of his neck. "There's just something about this song, especially the slow versions, that always makes me feel safe and warm. Loved. It's the same way you make me feel. It's the same way you've always made me feel."
"Safe, warm, and loved, huh?"
She nodded.
"Well, I guess I can't argue with that," Jay pressed a kiss to the top of her head and started them back around the room as the music carried on.
Hailey wasn't magically over it. Not what happened at Molly's or even what happened six years before. But she knew how to deal with it, the steps to take to get back to her baseline. With Jay by her side, it just made those steps a little bit easier. Made the already well-beaten path a little clearer and far less lonely. She wasn't sure what the next year would bring. If the same old ghost would come back to haunt her again next New Year's Eve. But it was alright if it did. Because if she had this. Had Jay. They might still case a shadow on the day, she'd have the light to help chase them away.