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“To be honest, I’m kind of dreading the holidays this year,” Dave said. His voice came through low and even over the phone, a sonorous drawl that didn’t help Kurt in his efforts not to drift off. It was late, but talking long into the night had sort of become a habit for the two of them.
If someone had told Kurt Hummel a year prior that he would end up having weekly phone calls with Dave Karofsky that lasted hours at a time, he would have been skeptical. But not only did they have their standard Thursday night conversations marked into their calendars, Kurt had come to look forward to talking with him all week.
It was a nice break from the fast paced world of New York and Vogue and NYADA; a getaway from the drama of his breakup with Blaine and Rachel’s various boy problems. With Dave, Kurt could just be honest about how he was feeling. And when he wasn’t feeling like talking about himself, he got to just sit back and listen to Dave recount the latest happenings of his life at Ohio State.
They hadn’t seen each other in person since Kurt had left for New York, but they kept in touch. At first it was just the occasional text, a ‘how are you doing?’ or an anecdote about something one of them had encountered that reminded them of the other.
When Blaine had cheated on Kurt, he’d needed somebody to talk to about everything. To make him feel like he wasn’t crazy for feeling betrayed by the whole thing. Rachel, with all that was going on between her and Finn, wasn’t exactly in a position to listen those first few days. Mercedes wasn’t picking up her phone, and Kurt knew he couldn’t call anyone who was still back at McKinley and get a non biased take on the matter.
So on a Thursday night, he had texted Dave and asked if he was free to talk on the phone. In the midst of chaos, somehow, a welcome tradition was born.
“I was able to get out of going home for Thanksgiving; I said I had some paper I needed to finish over the break. I don’t think that same excuse is gonna work for Christmas, though, since the semester will already be over,” Dave explained.
Kurt sighed. “Are you worried it’s going to be tense?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen a lot of my extended family since… Well, since stuff happened. I’m pretty sure word’s spread to all of them by now, courtesy of my mom… Even if they’re all miraculously okay with it, it’ll still be awkward. I don’t want everyone to be treating me with kid gloves, you know?” Dave said.
Kurt bit his lip. “Yeah. You don’t want them to act like you’re a different person somehow.”
“Exactly. I mean, obviously I’m not the person I used to be. But that has more to do with growing up and working on my shit than with being gay or anything. That hasn’t changed.”
Kurt nodded, and then remembered that Dave couldn’t actually see him. “Well, as much as I’m an advocate for facing the things you’re scared of, you know it’s up to you. If you don’t feel ready to deal with all of that, then you don’t have to.”
“What’s the alternative? Sitting in my dorm all of break while campus is pretty much closed down? It feels like my options are between having a stressful Christmas or a depressing one,” Dave said.
Kurt hummed. An idea was formulating in the back of his head, but he wasn’t sure if it was a good one. “Well, those aren’t your only options,” he said. “You could stay with somebody else.”
“D’you have someone in mind?” Dave asked.
Kurt smirked. “Well…” He drew the word out, unsure if he was trying to build the suspense or just give his proposition more of a dramatic flair. It was likely the latter, knowing him. “I do in fact happen to know of someone who isn’t going home for break, whose loud but well meaning roommate will be taking a cruise with her dads for the holidays.”
Dave paused on the other side of the line. “You want me to come visit you?” he asked. “Really?”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “David, why would I talk to someone every week if I had no interest in seeing them in person? Yes, really.”
“Oh,” Dave said.
“Only if you want to, of course. I just thought I’d offer.”
“No, I… Yeah. Yeah, that sounds really nice, Kurt. I’d like that.”
“Good.” Kurt smiled. “I would too.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to come on the cruise with my dads and I?” Rachel asked. She was furiously shoving sweaters into her already overpacked suitcase, occasionally glancing at the clock on the stove to make sure she wasn’t staying up too late. She was leaving in the morning, and wasn’t one for late packing.
If this were high school, Rachel would likely have had her suitcases all packed and ready days in advance. But even on winter break, college Rachel found herself too busy to be as much of an overplanner as she had in the past.
“Cruises always make me sick,” Kurt said. He was sipping a cup of herbal tea, watching the chaos and feeling yet again relieved that he didn’t have to do any packing for the foreseeable future. “Not sure if it’s being on the water, or the food, or the poor circulation… But no, I’m alright.”
“I just feel bad. You know you could’ve gone home, right?” Rachel said.
“I’m still getting used to New York,” Kurt said. “I’d love to see my family, but I’d rather be here. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be alone. I told you I have a friend coming.”
“If your friend is even real,” Rachel mumbled.
Kurt raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“I’m just saying, it’s a little weird that you haven’t told me who it is, or if I know them. It kind of seems like you’re just telling me you won’t be alone so I won’t feel bad for abandoning you.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. In truth, he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t told Rachel about Dave coming. She knew that they kept in touch, and it wasn’t like Kurt was ashamed to be friends with him. But he knew Rachel, and he knew her tendency to blow things out of proportion. Especially about situations she didn’t fully understand.
“You aren’t abandoning me. I haven’t told you because I don’t want you to make a big deal about it.”
Rachel pouted. “Why would I make a big deal about it? Wait, is it Blaine ? Or Finn?”
Kurt glared at her. “No, it isn’t Blaine. We’re on better terms than we were, but I’m still not ready to spend the holidays with him or anything. It would just feel weird. And I’d tell you if my brother was coming, trust me.”
Rachel sighed. “Okay, if you want to be all mysterious, go for it. I’m just saying, it’s a little weird to keep things from your best friend.” She looked up at him. “It is a guy though, right?”
Kurt raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think that?”
Rachel shrugged. “I just can’t see you being this hush-hush about your plans if it didn’t involve some potential romantic interest.”
Kurt looked at her, weighing the options in his head.
“It’s David,” he said, doing his best to keep a casual tone.
Rachel paused. “Who?”
“Karofsky.”
She paused in her packing, and turned to look at Kurt. “Kurt, really?”
He nodded. “You know we’re friends.”
“I know, but… You really want to spend a whole week with him? Alone?”
Kurt sighed, crossing his arms. This was why he’d been reluctant to bring it up with her. “We’ve both had a rough year. He wasn’t looking forward to spending the holidays with family for the first time since he was outed, and I wasn’t looking forward to spending the break in Ohio dodging Blaine’s attempts at rekindling our relationship. It’s a win-win. And frankly, I’m a little offended that you think I’d put myself in a situation that was somehow unsafe. It’s been a long time since Junior year. We’ve all grown up a lot since then.”
Rachel bit her lip. “Okay,” she said. “I trust your judgement. I just care about you a lot.”
“I know,” Kurt said. “And I appreciate that. But I trust Dave, he’s been there for me so
many times throughout the semester. Honestly, I’m really looking forward to seeing him again.”
Rachel turned her attention back to her suitcase, attempting to fit a brown cardigan into it for the fifth time that night. “So, was I right?”
Kurt blinked. “About what?”
“Is something going on between you two?” she asked.
Kurt sputtered, nearly choking on his tea. “Rachel!”
“What!” she said. “You’re both gay! And single, as far as I know.”
“Yes, we’re both gay and single,” Kurt said. “You know that gay men can be friends with each other, right?”
Rachel glared at him. “Of course,” she said. “But you’re still not answering the question, which makes me think I’m not completely off base.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “We’re friends,” he said, smiling against his cup of tea.
Rachel watched his expression, a smile forming on her lips as well. “I’ll ask you again in a week, I guess.”
“You didn’t have to meet me at the airport,” Dave said. “I know it’s kind of a long trip.”
“It’s your first time in the city, I didn’t want you to have to navigate the subway alone,” Kurt said. “Besides, it’s not that much of an ordeal. The apartment’s only a few blocks from the J, and that connects straight to the AirTrain. We don’t even have to take the LIRR. If you’d come into LaGuardia, it would be a different story.”
Dave blinked. “Yeah, I don’t know what half of those words mean.”
Kurt laughed. “See, aren’t you glad I’m here to help?”
Dave looked Kurt up and down, bundled up for the harsh winter, and smiled. “Yeah,” he said. “It’s really good to see you, Kurt.”
Kurt looked up at Dave from under his eyelashes, and nodded. “I’m glad you took me up on my offer.”
They made it back to Kurt’s apartment with less trouble than either had expected. There wasn’t an elevator at the subway stop closest to the apartment, but Dave had little problem lifting his suitcase down the steps. Kurt had offered to help, but Dave insisted he had carried heavier before.
Once they were settled in from the trip Kurt peeled off his outer layers, hanging his grey pea coat by the door and unzipping the small puffer jacket he had on underneath. Once he had taken his gloves off, Kurt turned to really look at Dave.
It was a bit like two worlds colliding. Seeing Dave at the airport had been one thing, but now that he was standing somewhat awkwardly in Kurt’s living room, looking around the apartment, it felt more real.
David Karofsky was in his apartment. They were in New York together. And Kurt felt completely at ease, like this was how things were supposed to be.
He briefly imagined sending the scene playing out in front of him to his past self. He’d never imagined that it would feel more right spending the holidays with Dave than with Blaine, but that was the reality of the situation.
If Blaine were here now, Kurt wouldn’t know how to feel. Confused, withdrawn, frustrated; a complicated sorrow that he had never thought he would come to associate with Blaine.
With Dave, there was none of that. They had a long, complex history, but there was nothing complicated about the excitement that Kurt felt looking at him now.
“What?” Dave asked.
Kurt flushed, realizing he’d been staring. “Oh, nothing.”
Dave raised an eyebrow. “‘You regretting this?”
Kurt shook his head vehemently. “Absolutely not. Just thinking about how strange it is to see you actually standing in front of me. Strange in a good way, though.”
Dave laughed. “Yeah, I guess you’re used to me being a disembodied voice by now.”
“Not disembodied, exactly,” Kurt said. “I tend to picture people actually talking when I’m on the phone with them. Not sure if that’s a quirk, or if most people do that.”
“Nah, I do that too,” Dave said. “Not with everyone, but definitely with you.”
“It’s different though, having you actually here,” Kurt said. He walked toward Dave, and opened his arms. “Can I give you a hug?”
Dave nodded, letting Kurt pull him close. He tentatively rested a hand on Kurt’s back, his movements stiff. Kurt hugged him around the middle, squeezing tight, and Dave’s reluctance melted. He rubbed one hand up and down Kurt’s back, and held him around the middle with his other one.
When they pulled back from each other, Dave looked a little emotional. “It really is good to see you,” he repeated.
Kurt smiled. “You too.” He looked at Dave, backlit by the setting sun filtering through the frosted windows of the loft. “New York looks good on you.”
Dave chuckled, and looked away. “I don’t know, I feel like I’d get eaten alive out here.”
“I’ll show you around the city after Christmas. No point trying to go out in the middle of the holiday rush, especially since it’s your first time. The trains get packed on holidays; I made the mistake of trying to go out on Halloween this year. Never again.”
Dave quirked a smile. “It sounds like you’re getting to know the city pretty well.”
Kurt nodded. “Yeah. I know it’s only been a few months, but I like it here. I feel like I belong, for the most part.”
“I’m really glad to hear that,” Dave said. “Congrats on NYADA, by the way. I know I’ve said it before, but I wanted to tell you in person as well. As always, I’m like, really fuckin’ in awe of you, Hummel.”
Kurt looked down. He’d gotten congratulated by so many of his friends and family by now, so he wasn’t quite sure why Dave’s words made him feel like it was the first time he was hearing it. His heart felt warmed by the gesture, by Dave’s recognition of how hard he’d worked to get here. “That’s sweet, David. Thank you.”
Dave nodded, shifting on his feet a little awkwardly. He still didn’t look quite settled into the apartment yet, like he was ready to be asked to leave at any second. It made something deep in Kurt’s stomach ache. He wondered, sometimes, if Dave truly didn’t know how dear he’d become to Kurt. He felt like his feelings were so evident, but Dave seemed oblivious sometimes. Like he was always bracing for things to go wrong, for Kurt to rescind his friendship.
It was a self consciousness that reminded Kurt so much of how he himself had been in high school. Willing to take whatever kindness and love he could get, like it was a rare and limited resource.
Without even really thinking about it, Kurt pulled Dave back into a hug. He held Dave close, resting his cheek on Dave’s chest. It was sudden, and more intimate than Kurt had intended, but he felt this urgent pull to make sure Dave knew how much he cared. When he pulled back, Dave blinked at him.
“What was that for?” Dave asked.
Kurt shrugged. “For being friends with me. For coming for Christmas…” He put a tentative hand on Dave’s shoulder. “I don’t know, I just wanted to make sure you know that I want you here.”
Dave paused, then placed his hand over Kurt’s, and gave him a nod.
Hand still on his shoulder, Kurt felt the shift in Dave’s body as he relaxed, letting out a nervous breath that felt like it had been held since the flight. Satisfied that he had made his point, Kurt took his hand back.
“So,” he said, looking around the apartment. “Dinner?”
They settled on getting takeout from Kurt’s favorite Thai place a few blocks down. They settled onto the couch next to each other with bowls of curry (yellow for Dave, red for Kurt) and rice, and put on Love, Actually in the background while they talked.
“So,” Kurt said, putting his mostly finished bowl on the coffee table. “My dad and I usually open one gift each on Christmas Eve.”
Dave looked over at the Christmas tree, where he’d placed a few hastily wrapped packages from his suitcase next to Kurt’s neatly wrapped parcels. “Yeah, my family did that too. You can open one from me, if you’d like. I got you a couple, because I wasn’t really sure about one of them.”
Kurt nodded, standing up. He knelt down by the Christmas tree, and Dave moved to sit on the edge of the couch closest to the presents. “Do you care which one I pick?”
Dave sighed, and pointed to the larger of the two. “Might as well get that one over with,” he said.
Kurt raised an eyebrow, but grabbed the soft, green and red wrapped present nonetheless.
Dave stiffened as he held it. Kurt looked up at him.
“I don’t know how this one’s going to go over,” Dave said. “But, uh, when you open it, there’s an explanation that goes along with it.”
Kurt nodded, palpating the package with his fingers. It felt like some sort of clothing item, but the present was too large to be a shirt or even a pair of pants. Curiosity growing, he played with the tape at the edge of the wrapping.
“Can I open it now?” Kurt asked.
Dave gave a nod, but he still looked unsure. Kurt could feel how tightly his body was wound even from several feet away. Even before they were friends, Kurt had gotten relatively well versed in reading the other boy’s subtleties.
This present clearly meant something to him. It had an emotional weight to it that Kurt had yet to uncover the source of.
He gave David a small nod back, trying to convey some reassurance in his gaze. Once he felt sure that Dave wouldn’t bolt out of the room when the gift was revealed, Kurt lifted the tape off the wrapping paper, and spread it open.
Kurt blinked at the piece of clothing now in his hands.
Staring back at him was a red and yellow jacket. A McKinley football letterman, to be exact.
Kurt bit his lip, and gave Dave a quizzical expression. “Is this…” He trailed off, unsure where to go from there.
“Yeah,” Dave said. “It was mine. I, uh, washed it and everything, so it shouldn’t smell like a locker room.”
Their eyes met as David spoke, the weight of his invocation clear to both of them. A brief memory passed behind Kurt’s eyes; the two of them in the locker room, screaming their lungs out at each other with so little distance between them. He wondered, for a second, what that moment would be like if he experienced it now, knowing everything he didn’t back then.
“Dave…” Kurt said. He wasn’t sure what more to say. He understood now why Dave had said the gift would need explanation. Kurt couldn’t quite figure out what the purpose of the gift was. It could honestly mean a million different things.
Dave cleared his throat, and rested his hands on his knees, squeezing them a bit as if to give himself some reassurance.
“I promise I’m not trying to rub salt in the wound or anything. I know that jacket represents a lot of dark things for you. For me too, really. It kind of encapsulates a time in my life I wish I could erase. But I can’t, and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to. You’ve been so nice this past year. But sometimes I can’t understand why. We just kind of dance around the past, but it’s there. It happened. And I want you to know I remember it too. I don’t expect you to just look past it. Back at McKinley, the guys on the team would always talk about how the jacket meant something. Like it was some honor you had to earn. And in my book, you’ve earned it more than I have. A hundred times over.”
A heavy silence set over the living room. Kurt stared at Dave, running his fingers over the red felt of the jacket absentmindedly. He gave a sigh, and looked away.
“David,” Kurt said. “That’s sweet, really. And yeah, I remember it.” He paused, and met Dave’s eyes. “But when I look at you now, that’s not what I think about. I’m not dancing around anything, I just don’t feel like I have to hang our past over your head for the rest of your life. You know what you did wrong, and you worked hard to become the person you are today.” He paused. “And I know this isn’t you asking for forgiveness, but I do forgive you, I did a long time ago.”
Dave looked down. “Thanks, Kurt.”
“Are you sure you want to give this up?” Kurt asked, holding the jacket up. “I’m sure you have some good associations with it too. You loved being on the team. Not the culture, maybe, but the sport. The camaraderie.”
Dave nodded. “No, that jacket’s yours. I don’t think I could wear it again without thinking about… Everything. I mean, I haven’t even been able to step foot in a locker room since everything went down last year. I guess that’s part of why I haven’t picked a major yet.”
“You’ll get there,” Kurt said. He reached out a hand. After a moment of hesitation, David laced his fingers in between Kurt’s. “Baby steps, remember?”
Dave’s lips turned up in a shy smile that crinkled the edges of his eyes. He gave Kurt’s hand a squeeze. “Yeah, I remember.”
Kurt let go of Dave’s hand, and turned his attention back to the jacket. He raised it up to the light, and slipped his arms into it. Once he had it on, he turned back to Dave.
“So, do I pull it off?” Kurt asked.
Dave flushed, and swiped his tongue across his bottom lip. “Uh, yeah.” He scratched the back of his head. “Way better than I ever did.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “I don’t know, I think you gave it a level of jock chic that I just can’t tap into. You’ve got better shoulders for it.”
Dave laughed. “I’ll choose to take that as a compliment.”
Kurt stood up, and moved to sit next to Dave on the couch. “Good. It was a compliment.”
Dave smiled, looking over the jacket on Kurt again. “I guess I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to play on a team again someday. And maybe the good will outweigh the bad this time. But if I don’t, it’s not the end of the world. I’m feeling… a lot more optimistic about things lately. I don’t know, it feels like this is a new chapter for me. Whatever I decide to do for my major, I want to make sure it’s something I’m really passionate about,” he said.
“I’m really glad to hear you’re feeling so good about things. College should be a chance to really find yourself, you know?” Kurt said. “There are definitely things I miss about high school. I wish I could be around all my friends every day, and see my dad more… But overall, I’m really glad to be where I am today. And I’m glad to be here with you.”
Dave fiddled with his fingers, looking torn between reaching out for Kurt and keeping his hands to himself. “Thanks. And I, uh, really hope it was okay to give you that. I feel kind of selfish, because I guess I did it partially for myself as well.”
Kurt shook his head. “I think some of the best gifts are like that. It’s sentimental, and there’s a story behind it. Plus, I feel like I could wear it at NYADA and people would think it was camp.”
Dave chuckled, shaking his head. “Honestly, I don’t doubt your ability to make it look fashionable. I mean, even just you wearing it right now… You look nice.” He flushed as he got to the end of his sentence, forcing himself to look anywhere but at Kurt.
Kurt adjusted the jacket on his shoulders with pride, bumping his elbow against Dave’s. “You know I’m not gonna get upset at you for complimenting me, right?”
Dave gave a nod, but still didn’t meet Kurt’s eyes. “Yeah, sorry. I just don’t want to make things weird.”
“Hey,” Kurt said, resting a hand on Dave’s shoulder. “I don’t feel weird. It actually makes me feel good.”
Finally, Dave looked at him. “It does?”
Kurt nodded. “Your opinion means a lot to me, honestly. I probably keep in touch with you more than most of my friends at McKinley.”
Dave blinked. “I didn’t know that.”
“You’re easy to talk to,” Kurt said. “And easy to listen to. It’s been nice to have a routine with someone. Life is hectic out here, and constantly evolving. It’s good to know I have something to ground me throughout all of that.”
Dave gave him a smile, but it wasn’t his normal half grin, or the smirk he’d worn so often at McKinley. It was big and bright, almost like the one he’d given Kurt at the hospital, when their hands were locked in one anothers.
Kurt felt that soaring feeling in his chest again, and thought back to the question Rachel had asked him before she left.
It had been so long since Kurt had fallen for someone, that he had almost forgotten what those beginning stages felt like. But this fluttering, this brightness… It reminded him of the way he’d felt watching Blaine perform for the first time, or Finn walk down the hallway in sophomore year.
But at the same time, it was different. Kurt had never been good at doing things in the right order; he was used to falling in love first and getting to know the person after. Dave and him had been getting closer for almost a year before he ever felt this way. It made it harder to name his feelings, harder to identify the nature of them.
But what do you call someone you look forward to talking with every week, someone you spend the holidays with, and feel at home in their arms? Kurt had felt this pull toward David ever since seeing him in person again that made the warm feelings he’d developed the past few months feel so much more real.
Maybe Rachel wasn’t off base after all.
Maybe Kurt had been so secretive about his Christmas plans because spending time with Dave meant something sacred to him. Something valuable and vulnerable that he couldn’t risk tarnishing with the outside world’s opinions.
Dave was looking at him with wet eyes, but he wasn’t crying. “I’m glad it’s meant something to you too,” Dave said. “When we first started the phone calls, I guess I worried for a while that you were just humoring me. That you didn’t actually want to talk.”
Kurt frowned. “You don’t still feel that way, right?”
Dave shook his head. “No, you’ve been good at disproving that theory.”
Kurt took a deep breath. “I want to give you something,” he said. “And like your gift, it’s for you, but it’s also for me.”
“Okay,” Dave said, looking down at the scattered gifts at the base of the tree. “Which one is it?”
Kurt shook his head. He was suddenly nervous, second guessing whether his plan would go over well. But he’d gotten this far already. There was no turning back. “It’s not under the tree.”
Dave knitted his eyebrows in confusion. “Where is it?”
Slowly, Kurt reached up to cup the side of Dave’s jaw in one of his hands. Dave stiffened, for a moment, looking at Kurt in surprise.
Kurt moved a little closer to Dave, stilling as his face neared the other boys. “Can I?” he asked.
Dave was just staring at him, as if trying to comprehend that this was happening. Their eyes were locked, and Dave was searching Kurt’s for any sign of insincerity. After a moment, he nodded with a muffled “yeah.”
Kurt moved in closer, his lips hovering in front of Dave’s. Closing his eyes, he made contact.
It was soft and hesitant, everything their first kiss hadn’t been. As Dave eased into it, he moved his hand to stroke at Kurt’s cheekbone.
After a few moments, Dave pulled back to look at Kurt.
“I–” he said. “That was—”
Kurt gave him a soft, dazed smile. He felt a childish sort of excitement radiating from his chest, and his head felt scattered in the best way. “That was definitely a selfish present,” Kurt said.
Dave laughed, blinking out of his stunned silence. “If you think that, you obviously can’t see into my brain right now,” he said, cracking a smirk.
Kurt gave him a coy look. “No, but I think I’d like to.”
Dave looked him up and down again. “That jacket really does look hot on you.”
Kurt laughed, and pulled Dave back in for another kiss.