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It starts because of Marius. As does all ridiculous things. By this point, if something ridiculous happens and Marius isn’t in a 5 mile radius of it, Ria is still sure that somehow his existence had caused a ripple effect in reality to have led to the ridiculous thing in the first place. It’s a law of the universe.
And it’s a law of the universe coming into play right here in the NXX HQ meeting room.
“Are you guys free on the Saturday two weeks from now?” Marius asks the exact second the meeting is adjourned, leaning back on the couch. “Please say yes. The correct answer is yes.”
“When you are the one who is asking, I am never free,” Vyn replies easily.
“Convenient, but also a blatant lie,” Artem counters, pulling up a projection of the collaborative Notion calendar the whole team puts most of their engagements in. “You’ve got nothing on that Saturday.”
Vyn mutters, “Snitch.”
“How the snitch stole Vyn’s free Saturday,” Luke snickers.
“Ohhh, it looks like we’ve all got nothing on that day,” Ria looks over the calendar, and then over to Marius. “Why didn’t you just check the calendar?”
“I use the PAX calendar,” Marius shrugs but then his expression dons a devilish grin in less than a second. “And since you’re all free, I’ve got a favor to ask you all.”
“Oh no,” the rest of them say all at once. Great coordination, team.
“A cousin of a friend of an acquaintance of the guy who sold my dad these hella rare koi fish—” Marius quickly goes through the insane chain of relation. “—wants to do this charity function. Super small organization, helps fund scholarships for students, really great cause and I already got PAX supporting them.”
“Cousin of—Wait—The koi fish—” Luke squints, trying to make sense of the dominos in this situation.
“Not important,” Marius waves a dismissive hand. “Thing is, it’s not just money the organization needs. They’re super small, just starting out, so they need publicity.”
“May we skip to the part where you get to the point?” Vyn sighs.
“Sure,” Marius smiles. “I want us all to do a fundraising car wash for them.”
A beat of silence rings out in the room, punctuated only by the soft whizz of the NXX roomba traversing the floor like a metaphorical tumbleweed blowing past.
“For charity!” Marius adds
“Go back, we need more context,” Ria is so, so confused. “How did you get from ‘good cause’ to ‘car wash’?”
“There is no more context,” Marius says simply. “Car washes are a cool fundraising activity.”
“Surely there are more effective ways to raise money, though,” Artem frowns.
“Yeah, but this one will get lots of publicity. If Handsome Hotshot Attorney, Swoon Worthy Professor, Miss Beautiful Rising Star Lawyer, and me, enough said, are the ones doing the car wash, it’ll be a hit,” Marius lists them all down before he turns to Luke. “Nobody fucking knows who you are thanks to the NSB nerfing you off the face of the internet, but it’s fine, you’re cute, you’ll do.”
“Thanks!” Luke smiles, just happy to receive a compliment.
“Sooooo, is everybody game?”
“No,” they all say in unison once more. She’s loving the synergy.
“But it’s for a good caaaauuusseee,” Marius pouts.
“I am quite aware of why you picked a car wash, Marius,” Vyn raises an eyebrow. “The entire trope of the ‘sexy car wash’ is well documented in pop culture. For all of us—sans Luke—who have public reputations to uphold, something like this would not be appropriate for our respective images.”
“Yeah, what Vyn said,” Ria nods while Artem also mumbles, ducking his head to hide his blush. Why? Because Vyn said the word ‘sexy’? Artem is too precious for this world.
“Yeah but it’s a small organization though, there won’t be too much publicity,” Marius says.
Ria squints. “But you just said that this whole thing needs publicity?”
“Word of mouth publicity,” Marius winks. “No media, no pictures, just the grapevine of Stellis anecdotes.”
“The mental gymnastics happening here would almost be impressive—” Artem says. “—if it weren’t so completely idiotic.”
“Ohhhh, I get it,” Marius smirks, scanning over the other boys. “You guys are just scared to do it because you know I’ve got the hottest bod. In comparison, all you tens will look like sixes.”
At that, Vyn scoffs. “Marius, do you really think skydiving does very much for your physique? Polo, my sport of choice, is much more rigorous—”
“But in polo, you’re still relying on something else to do most of the moving,” Artem cuts in and Ria tries to hold back on her laughter. Marius has activated everybody’s stupid pride and once upon a time, she found it annoying. Now, she simply finds it peak entertainment. “I swim on a regular basis which—”
“Very impressive, everybody,” Luke whistles as he stands, expression as if he isn’t paying attention, and walks over to some very heavy boxes filled with case files. He bends down and lifts all the boxes with ease. “Super proud of you all, staying active is important.”
Just to drive his point further, he squats and holds that squat for way too long, still holding the boxes.
Ria puts her face into her hands and lets out a singular, wheezing laugh.
“You seem to be enjoying with this idea, Miss,” Marius takes a seat next to her, gently removing her hands from her face so she can see his stupid flirty grin. “The more you think about it, the better it seems, yeah? All your objectively attractive friends in a situation where we may or may not get wet. What do you think?”
What does she think?
She thinks Marius is pushing his luck here, he’s baiting himself and the others but it’s glaringly obvious he wants her own attractive self getting splashed with suds and water too. She thinks that if she really put her foot down, he’ll back off, because while Marius is a pain in the side, he’s not a bad person and he’ll always respect her boundaries once she draws a line.
But she also thinks…that this is a great opportunity to have some fun.
Slowly, deliberately, she smiles.
From the corner of her eye, she sees Luke, Artem, and Vyn stiffen as they all clock in on her coming to a decision.
See, Ria loves Marius dearly, she loves him the same way she loves all the other boys. She’s fiercely protective over him, she’s got an almost endless patience for his schemes, and she cares about him a lot.
However, this is one moment where she is not going to let Marius von Hagen win. This is one moment where she’s pulling out a reverse Uno card.
“I think this a great idea, Marius!” Ria claps her hands together. Marius perks up but panic sparks in his eyes when he sees the unhinged energy she’s radiating. “I’m really excited for this! So excited that I volunteer to handle all the logistics while you four wash the cars.”
“But!” Marius fumbles because yep, he totally was gunning for her to be doing the dumb sexy car wash along with them. “Miss, wait—”
“I promise I’ll get everything in order.” She leans in close to him, pouting. “And you won’t let my hard work go to waste, right?”
Marius’ face goes red and his eyes widen. Geez, he dishes out flirting but he can’t take it himself. “I mean—”
“Ah, well,” Ria shrugs, leaning back. “If you let me down, I’m sure the others won’t. Right boys?”
She glances sharply at Luke, Artem, and Vyn.
They all tense up and nod, frightened.
“Perfect,” she says sweetly. “Then I’ll make this the best charity car wash Stellis is ever gonna see.”
Checkmate, boys.
-
Ria has always put all her effort into everything she does, no matter how big or small. Whether it be tasks at work or knitting some cute mittens for Luke’s birthday, 100% of her capability is poured in. So when she says she’ll handle logistics for a ridiculous car wash fundraiser, she means it. She doesn’t half-ass it, she full-asses it.
She books the venue; an open lot outside the organization’s small office. She sets the schedule; 1pm to 5pm on the prescribed Saturday. She sets the prices; a minimum amount of Stellin and the option to donate more, should anybody be willing to contribute to this genuinely good cause. She makes sure the boys are ready to wash cars; aka she sends Marius videos on how manually washing a car actually works because he’s never had to wash anything but himself his entire life. She was oddly worried about Vyn, but he does his own research and so she lets him be.
Leading up to the fateful Saturday, she reminds the boys of all the details and also to come in clothes they’re fine with getting completely drenched.
In no time, the day arrives, and it’s showtime.
And oh my fucking god.
“Really, Marius?” Ria hides her face in her hands as Marius grins and flexes his barely covered legs. “Really?”
“Whaaaaat?” He says, completely feeling his oats in the tiny booty shorts he’s wearing. “It’s fun, it’s breezy, and my legs rock.”
“I guess I should be thankful you wore a normal shirt,” she sighs. “And that everybody else is decent.”
“Nice, decent car wash,” Luke gives her a thumbs up. He’s dressed in basketball shorts and one of his old shirts, a white shirt with the pun ‘If you’re not part of the SOLUTION, you’re part of the PRECIPITATE.’
“Frankly, I think Artem should change,” Vyn frowns because he’s dressed simple black sweatpants and a long sleeved workout shirt.
And Artem just so happened to have worn the same thing.
“It’s the only workout attire I have,” Artem grumbles. “You change.”
“Boys, you’re all very pretty, nobody has to change.” Ria rolls her eyes. “Everybody ready?”
They all nod, and so she opens the fundraiser for business.
-
The only ones told about the event were people the organization staff knew; friends and acquaintances, those looking to support the cause, and some people that Ria subtly let slip that this was happening. And all things considered, the boys actually do very, very well.
The thing about the team is that for all their clashing personalities and quirks, when there’s something that needs doing, they come together as a well oiled machine. Vyn’s knowledge about cars that he gained through thorough studying leads the process of every wash as he lets the others know which parts to clean in what order, Marius’ stupid tall frame is great for reaching places everybody else can’t reach, Luke’s prowess in creating mixtures (which Ria assumes is a spy thing? Maybe? Luke once told her that he knew how to make a pretty stellar bomb with only materials found in a janitors closet, and maybe car wash suds is bomb adjacent. A bomb of cleanliness) makes for an effective wash, and Artem’s meticulous nature makes sure that not a single inch is missed. Every car that drives in and parks at the lot is sparkling clean by the end of the wash, so no customer is going to be left unsatisfied.
Of course, people couldn’t really care less about the wash though. They came to get their cars clean but they stayed for attractive, wet men.
“I want to give you a raise,” Celestine whispers to her as Ria tries very hard not to laugh. She had invited Celestine offhandedly as a little thank you to all her efforts in getting Artem to open up, and Celestine seems to be enjoying this thank you quite a lot. “A very huge raise. I don’t give a shit about Artem being wet, he’s like a little brother to me and he looks like a wet cat, but good god, these are your other friends?”
“Yep,” Ria says, trying not to sound smug.
“That’s your childhood best friend? That’s a psychiatrist you work with who also rides horses? That’s…whatever the hell Marius von Hagen is to you?”
She can’t help it this time. She says smugly, “Yeeeeep.”
“Lucky girl,” Celestine ruffles her hair.
“Don’t give me a raise, though, that’s bribery, I think.”
“...I can treat you that strawberry shortcake you like?”
“Oh, very much yes.”
The women are the ones most entranced by the four men steadily getting more and more drenched as the hours tick by, but men are not immune to the charms of damp heartthrobs, and neither are any gender, so long as they find men attractive. As Artem takes a swig from a water bottle, as Vyn bends over the hood of a van, as Marius sprays Luke with a hose and both of them get their hair wet and subsequently shake their heads with charming grins, all men with their clothes very wonderfully sticking to their wet skin, well…Needless to say, attention is thoroughly caught and indulgently satisfied all around.
Ria would pat herself on the back, if she didn’t think that was a bit narcissistic.
And surprisingly, the boys seem to enjoy themselves. She’s aware that Marius has a huge fucking ego and Luke thrives off of praise and Vyn, no matter how he doesn’t like to admit it, likes looking cool and impressive, and so those three definitely look like they’re getting some kind of benefit from the whole thing. She was concerned about Artem since he’s quite shy, but as the day goes on, he grows more comfortable both in himself and how he maneuvers his body. The thought makes her smile. They all deserve to bask in how hot they are, from time to time. She’s making the world a better place.
Before they all know it, it’s 4:45pm and so Ria cuts off the line, accepting one last customer. The woman smiles graciously and she gives a sizeable donation before getting into her car to park it at the designated parking slot, Marius guiding her as she puts the car in reverse.
And in the comfortable silence of the end of the fundraiser, Luke sneezes.
Ria turns to him and winces as he sneezes five more times in a row.
“Sherlock, you okay?” She asks worriedly.
“I’m fine,” he smiles reassuringly only to get interrupted by seven more sneezes. By the end of that series, he sniffles pathetically. “Okay, I might be a little cold.”
“I think we are all amenable for you to sit this last one out,” Vyn says kindly, his doctor instinct probably kicking in. “Artem? Marius?”
“Yes, of course,” Artem smiles at Luke.
“Yeah, go change into something dry, ace detective,” Marius adds.
“I’ll go get the change of clothes you packed,” Ria tells him.
Luke smiles, visibly touched by everybody’s efforts, “Thanks guys.”
And just as Ria is about to turn away to go fetch Luke’s bag, the unthinkable happens.
Luke takes off his shirt without an ounce of self-consciousness in broad daylight.
Logically, this isn’t new. Ria has seen Luke shirtless before. The other boys have seen Luke shirtless before. There have been cases here and there where Mr. Self Sacrificial To A Fault decides to take an attack to protect the team, so stitching up his wounds is something everybody has done at some point. Everybody on the team knows how he’s the most ripped among them, they know how his skin is etched with various scars and from past missions, they know how he looks like under the baggy loose clothes he always wears.
But they never saw him shirtless while drenched in water.
Luke takes off his wet shirt, stretching his arms above his head languidly as rivulets of water trail down his flexing pecs, his scarred sides, his frankly cruel to any male attracted human being washboard abs. They all know he looks like this but the water is the cherry on top, the last straw, the breaking point. With the added glistening sheen, Ria amends her thoughts. This isn’t just cruel, this is goddamn inhumane.
Ria is staring. Vyn and Artem are staring. Marius is staring, he’s staring so intently that he stopped guiding the woman backing up her car.
The woman is also staring through the rearview mirror.
She is unguided, nobody is paying attention, Luke Pearce is wet and shirtless; it’s a series of unfortunately thirsty events all leading up to this:
The woman backs up her car hard and fast straight into a electric post.
-
At the police station a half an hour later, Captain Morgan is at a loss for words. While nobody was hurt, not even the driver, the damage was extensive to the electric post that it caused a blackout for a sizeable chunk of South Stellis. Artem, the second most proficient of them all in experiencing guilt, turns them in, so to speak. Which is how they’re all sitting on a bench in the police station, all dressed in dry clothes and also dressed in an very special kind of shame, watching Captain Morgan open and close his mouth as he tries to figure out how exactly he’s supposed to scold them all.
“I meeeeaaaan—” Marius draws out innocently. “—anything you say against us can be considered victim blaming which is totally not cool.”
“I’m pretty fuckin’ sure that none of you are victims,” Captain Morgan glares at Marius.
“I promise I won’t do it again,” Luke says, extremely sheepish as he’s the first most proficient of them all in experiencing guilt. “It was my fault and I’ll cover damage charges and—”
“Hey, no, it’s not your fault,” Ria frowns, assuring him.
“Aside from the car, are there other damage costs to cover?” Artem asks.
“No,” Captain Morgan says, and they all breathe a sigh of relief. “The only reason you’re all here is because we just needed it on the record that the power outage wasn’t due to a failure of the city’s power grid. It was due to Rising Star Lawyer here pimping out her friends.”
Ria puts her face into her hands. Had she not done this, she would’ve seen the other boys go very, very red. Into her palms, she mumbles “Why did you use those words specifically…”
“So that this never happens again,” Captain Morgan’s words are stern. Then he pauses and looks to Vyn. “Dr. Richter, should I be worried that you haven’t said a goddamn thing the entire time?”
“Perhaps,” is Vyn’s cryptic answer. Ria lifts her head just in time for her to see him smile thoughtfully. “I am just wondering now that if our appearances were truly this powerful, it would be a shame not to utilize it for investi—”
“No.” Captain Morgan says, effortlessly pronouncing bolded text. “Everybody get out now. Detective Pearce, don’t ever be shirtless in public ever again.”
If one closed their eyes and listened to the sounds of Stellis City in the exact moment that sentence was uttered, one would hear many people suddenly and inexplicably sigh in sorrow, as if mourning something beautiful that would never happen again.
Ria, incapable of hearing any of that, only hears her own helpless laugh at everything that’s transpired today.