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"For the last time.... Can we just dance one more time, please?"
Stars started to camp in the dark blanket of skies. The crescent moon happily peeks through the softness of clouds. Audible steps are heard. Aeri is wearing a smile, trying to catch up to the younger who is walking slowly in the empty street somewhere in Seoul. It was a cold evening. The breeze harshly blows and the rain is threatening to fall.
"I'm not in the mood unnieeeeee." Ningning's cute whine echoed, making the older's smile double in size.
Soft, warm hands made contact with the younger's small ones, successfully stopping Ningning from walking.
"Then tell me why you're not in the mood." An obvious frown formed in her face. She knows that she's acting strangely. She immediately complies with the older one when she asks her to, but today is an exception. Her mood is foul and she doesn't want to give in to Aeri's sparkling eyes.
A hard sigh escaped her lips. "It's nothing." Aeri raises an eyebrow at her.
"Then let's?" Eyes fluttering, her perfectly sculpted lips formed a pout. Ningning stared at her eyes. It’s like the skies went and copied the art inside those orbs, the constellations are nicely formed and she sees her reflection in Aeri’s eyes. Her eyes are so hollow and mysterious. Ningning finds herself out of breath, falling, and drowning.
She whipped her head the other way. "I don't want to." Ningning whines again, weakly shaking the older's hands off her. However, Aeri's persistent hold in her hand remains. Softly caressing the back of her hand with her thumb, she brought the younger's hands up before planting a gentle kiss.
"Tell me why then? We are not going anywhere until that frown of yours turns upside down."
Ningning sighed, wondering if she should tell the older what's bugging her mind and why her mood is so down.
Should she tell Aeri how much her stomach churns thinking that the older just spent 4 days practically ignoring her for Minjeong? That it bugs her to think that they had a sleepover in her room? Should she tell her how overwhelmed she was and how she was overthinking on what she did wrong to be ignored like that?
Should she tell Aeri the fluttering feeling inside her when she feels the older’s scrutiny eyes towards her?
" Hey, your face is turning sour... Come on, tell me what's bothering you." Aeri cupped the girl's face and stared at her eyes.
Doe-eyes shined despite the absence of light in their place. Those brown orbs showed how worried the older ones were, hence the persistence in her tone. For a moment, Ningning found herself lost in those gaze.
"It's really nothing... I'll get over it soon."
Sincerity is quite scary, it caught her off guard and almost got dragged by the fast beating of her heart. She can't afford to let the older girl know the thoughts, emotions, and feelings she's having. If her feelings were to be found, surely nothing would stay the same. That’s why she’d rather hide than be seen.
Heaving an inaudible sigh, she asked the stars watching them. She asked for Aeri's persistence to stop already. It seems like the bright ones heard her as she felt the older pinch her cheeks and pursed her lips slightly.
"Okay then.... I won't force you if you don't want to tell me."
Ningning felt guilty but she'd prefer to have this than risk their friendship for her stupid thoughts.
"But I want to show you something and you can't say no." The shorter one was about to protest, "I asked your mom for permission already. So, you don't have a choice but to come with me."
Ningning whined at Aeri's cheeky grin. She basically gave up and let the older take her wherever she's going to take her. Letting herself slowly like the feeling of Aeri's soft grip in her palms.
She wishes to never let go.
After what it felt like a swift of air, she realizes that they are heading to the apartment building where the older one lives. Confused as she sees the girl take out a black handkerchief, folding it, and the next thing she knows is that she's blindfolded.
"Wh— what are you doing? Unnie??" She heard Aeri's melodious giggle. Flinching, she felt a hand in her waist and her palms. She wandered her eyes despite knowing that the black cloth rendered her sight helpless. The older one tied it so neatly that she can't even peek below.
"Do you trust me? My dearest Yi Zhuo?"
Good lord... Aeri doesn't know the effect she had on the younger.
She nodded, not trusting her voice as it just might speak a mind of its own. Aeri gently pulled her, guiding her to the path of surprise. Yelping here and there as she felt bumps in her way. The older's little cackles enter her ears at every high pitched squeals she lets out.
She heard a door squeak, before Aeri pulled her by her hand again.
Wordlessly, she felt a tug in the handkerchief that's tied neatly around her head. Her eyes are unveiled and slowly adjust to the brightness around her.
A silent gasp left her throat when she saw what the older woman wanted to show her.
"It's just some… small stuff. Yeah and uhm, Minjeong helped me too."
A small round table in the middle of the living room greeted her, surrounded by fairy lights that were the only illumination in that room. White petals are neatly placed on the floor, making a little pathway to the table.
The simple set-up rendered her speechless.
But... how did this take her up to 4 days with Minjeong though?
"Let's go?" Aeri's soft voice halted her thoughts. The older one guided her and dragged the chair for her to sit on. Ningning felt giddy at the action. What a gentlewoman she is.
"Wait here." She tapped the younger's shoulder and disappeared into the kitchen.
A moment later, Aeri returns. Balancing dishes on one hand while holding two wine glasses in the other. She gently placed the meal and glass in front of Ningning and her. The woman served her favorites. She then went back to the kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine.
Visible panic and confusion was seen in the younger’s widened eyes.
“I’m still a minor Unnie!”
“Well…” Popping the cork and pouring the velvety drink in her glass, Aeri flashed her a nice smile before looking at the clock plastered on her wall.
Clock strikes 12, the day has started.
“Not anymore.”
Sitting on the other chair, she fished out a purple box with a shining blue ribbon out of nowhere. She pushed it towards Ningning and softly patted the box.
“Happy 18th Yi Zhuo.”
Right. She’s been thinking about Aeri all day that she forgot her birthday is arriving. Looking at the woman who was wearing a cheeky smile before her, the feelings in her chest went feral. Her mind is filled with happiness.
"Thank you. I don't know what to say." She replied truthfully, returning the other's blinding smile. It’s overwhelming. It feels like she has a whole zoo in her stomach, rampaging and wanting to get out.
“I just… feel so happy that you did this for me.” Looking at the simple yet elegant meal in front of her, she said those words breathlessly.
All of a sudden, Aeri got shy and scratched her cheeks, looking at other places rather than the younger one in front of her.
Tick-tock-tick-tock
The smile on the younger's face got wider when she saw the shy older woman squirm in her seat. It's been a long time since she saw Aeri embarrassed. Don't misunderstand! She likes the confident Aeri! But there's something really fascinating when this side of her shows. When her cheeks are dusted with pink colour, when she visibly licks and chew on her bottom lip, when she closes her hands in a paw. Every little thing about Aeri fascinates her. Ningning felt so happy.
Just… so, so happy.
"Uhm… let's eat?" She woke up from her trance. Her smile never faltered and went ahead to try the delicious looking meal in front of her. She feels the older's stare at her, anticipating her reaction.
"Wow… this is delicious!" Aeri chuckled at Ningning's widened eyes. "Really? Minjeong must be a really good cook."
There it is again, that unpleasant feeling in her stomach. Why did she have to mention Minjeong right now?
No, Ningning doesn't hate the girl. If anything, she loves her just like a long-lost sister. But now, why does it feel like it's her against Minjeong?
"You know, I've been practicing these past few days with her but… I can't seem to grasp cooking." The older one spoke bitterly, seemingly disappointed at herself. "How sad, I wanted to cook for you."
The spark in Ningning’s eyes came back, “Really?”
"Yeah, that's why we decided that she'll be the one to cook." Aeri smiled at her and took a bite of her own meal. The younger's eyes travelled to her hands, now noticing the bandages wrapped around the older's fingers. Now she felt guilty for being in a sour mood earlier.
She's with Minjeong because she wants to learn how to cook for her. How embarrassing.
She took a bite of her meal once again, it is indeed delicious. Thinking to herself that she will thank Minjeong, and maybe apologize right after.
Well, she might or might have ignored the girl earlier at school.
"You look sad again.” Aeri spoke before taking a sip of her wine.
“I have something for you..." Grinning, Aeri stood up. She disappeared into the kitchen again and left Ningning dumbfounded.
'She has more?' The birthday girl thought to herself, her eyes wandering in the direction of the kitchen.
The next thing she knows is Aeri coming back with a round cake in her hand. "Now this is something I'm proud of."
Setting down the cake between them, she saw the messy decoration in the dessert. It has a black-purple icing gradient, strawberries around the edge, and a small 'happy birthday' with a '18th' candle in between.
Now she doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know what to feel. It's overflowing, her feelings are pouring out like water in rivers. The cake looks simple and looks kind of messy but she loves it.
Or maybe it's the woman right in front of her. Maybe she's the reason why she's so happy.
And yes, she admits it.
She loves Aeri, it took her long enough to realize. Maybe it's the lack of attention she got for the past few days, or the trigger when she saw how much effort the older one gave just for her.
Ah whatever.
The smiling moon is watching over them right now, the bright stars are proudly rejoicing.
Her eyes are getting teary by the emotions she's feeling. Inhaling deeply, her eyes found Aeri's dreamy ones. Those comforting eyes eased the overwhelmed heart she has.
"Unnie, can we… dance?"
Taken back by the sudden request, it took Aeri a few seconds to process what she said. A smile formed in her lips as she settled the cake down on the table. Walking closer to Ningning, she then held her hand.
"Sure thing."
0:01 ❍─────── 4:06
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Now Playing: Cigarettes After Sex - Falling in Love
https://open.spotify.com/track/0O0bttAxJKKWqAqY2Nq4mC?si=hOvnb1eiQfeN9kkVLPSebg&utm_source=copy-link
Soft hands went to her waist and they moved to the slow rhythm of the song. Basking in each other's presence. Cold breeze hits their faces. Eyes boring at each other's, swimming into the deepest depths of the universe in their orbs. It felt nice, forgetting the world exists for a moment as they dance in each other's arms. Warm touch, skin to skin, overflowing emotions.
“Remember your 18th birthday?” Aeri breathed. Ningning hums in return.
Stars have started to camp in the dark blanket of skies again. The crescent moon watches over them over the softness of clouds. They can only see each other, feel each other. Aeri is wearing a smile, swaying Ningning to the nice rhythm she's humming quietly. The latter looks at her with those bright, anxious eyes.
Aeri twirls, making her gown flutter with elegance.
“It was the first time you refused to dance with me, and the first time you asked me to dance with you.”
She thought about the world of Aeri, how she holds her so close and so softly. Falling in love, she’s falling so deep, deeper than what she felt during the first time she said those three words.
Aeri's eyes flutter towards the pendant hanging on the younger's necklace. An amethyst inside a silver crescent moon is proudly shining. It was the gift she gave that day.
"The happiness I felt that day was unimaginable. That was the day I proudly held your hand and called you mine."
She imagined the future with Aeri, how they would go on dates, how they would probably live in a house near an ocean (as they both love the waves), have a cat or maybe some of Ningning’s exotic pets.
The sound of the wind singing entered their ears, it felt nice and calming.
Remembering the day you felt the happiest is just like remembering yesterday.
Ningning breathed deeply, taking in the sweet scent that she got used to.
"Why are you asking me to dance right now, Aeri unnie?"
The said woman didn't answer. Instead, she cupped Ningning's face and ran her thumb in her cheeks.
"Do you want to know why I love dancing with you? Even in the most questionable times?"
She smiled fondly, her other hand snaked through the girl's back, caressing it gently. She leaned her forehead against Ningning as she spoke.
"Aeri unnie…"
Deep breaths followed by a long silence.
"I have something to tell you, my dearest Ning." She whispered.
She stayed silent, urging the woman to continue. Ningning has a clue on what the woman is going to say, but she doesn't want to ponder. She has a clue but she doesn't want to speak, her voice might fail her.
Aeri stared into her eyes. There it is again, the hollowness and mysteriousness in her eyes. Except, it's ready to be found and understood now. She's out of breath. Still falling, still drowning.
"I'm getting euthanasia."
Ningning's grip on the other's hospital gown tightened. Her eyes stung, her breath was shaking, and her eyes trembled. She can't believe this is real.
"Why?" The younger woman said, a hint of pain in her voice.
"Can't you fight one last time?"
There's a lump forming in her throat, it's hard to speak all of a sudden. It's like something is gripping in her lungs and it's getting harder to breathe. She expected this, why is it still so difficult to hear?
She pursed her lips, tears slowly forming in her eyes. Aeri wiped those with the pad of her thumb.
"Can't you try to fight for me?" She choked out right after. She wrapped her arms around the older's back. She sobbed in her shoulders, soaking the older's hospital gown.
The taller woman hugged her shoulders and caressed her head, kissing her crown, letting the girl cry. She felt Ning pull herself back, and she saw the shattered heart of the girl through her glistening eyes and furrowed eyebrows. That pulled the strings that's holding her heart.
"I'm–" Aeri let out a breathless whisper, as if her voice would break the shorter girl even more.
"I'm tired, Ning."
Of course, Ningning knows. She saw how the woman gets weaker everyday, she saw how helpless she's getting.
"I'm tired of being hopeful everyday, when I know there is no chance of getting out of here."
Tears continue to flow out of the younger’s eyes, the moonlight shines through them. Those droplets acted as a prism once, letting out a beautiful rainbow when the sun beams through them. However, no matter how much the moon tries to give light to those prisms, it will never be as beautiful as the sun’s. She will never shine as strong as the sun.
“I’m sorry… that I can’t fight anymore.”
“I’m tired of making you wait everyday for nothing, for making you think that it will be the same as before, that we can go back to what we were before.”
“It’s been 5 years. You spent 5 years with me with this thing when we know it’s been helpless from the start. You wasted 5 years with me, my love.”
“It’s not wasted because I’m happy with you!” The younger one sobbed out.
Silence returns, her vision is blurry once again.
She tries her best to open her eyes and look at the woman in front of her despite the tears. The woman who is wearing a crooked smile.
"I am the happiest when I'm with you." She whispers, weak and utterly hopeless when she has a glimpse of Aeri’s face.The girl sobbed into the other's gown.
"I know you know how much I love dancing with you. It's because it never fails to make you smile."
She can hear the strained chuckle coming out of Aeri's throat. Her head is under the woman's chin as she feels the soft caress in the back of her head.
" But I guess it will not work this time."
Aeri swallowed the lump in her throat, she tried her best to stop the threatening sobs from coming out.
"I love doing silly dances with you because you look the happiest when we do it. That's why it never fails to make me smile. I am smiling because it's you."
Ning wanted to push herself out of Aeri’s embrace to look at the latter. However, Aeri’s arms tightened around her.
She’s scared to let Ning see how vulnerable she really is.
“It’s been a while since I danced like this with you again.”
She tried so hard to hide the tremble in her voice, but the silence made it hard for the younger one to not notice it. She felt fear in Aeri’s voice.
Ning pushed herself out of Aeri’s embrace, and this time, she let her.
“I don’t want to go another day knowing that I could die so suddenly. Everyday, I feel myself getting weaker. I could feel my legs wanting to give up. I could feel my breath getting shorter. I want to die while seeing you Ning. I want to die while I could talk and comfort you. It’s so selfish but I still want to be strong for you.”
She saw it, the sincerity and truthfulness in her eyes. Aeri’s wrong, it’s not selfish.
“Y-you… It’s not selfish, you’re always there to protect me- It’s me who never-”
That’s when it hit Ningning. Yes, the love of her life has been so selfless. So selfless that she thinks her own vulnerability is irrelevant.
Her hands move to cup Aeri’s strained face, her eyes are getting red from how hard she tries to keep the tears from flowing down like waterfalls. She saw how exhausted the woman is, from how her eyebrows are furrowed in frustration, from how her smiling lips quiver from being tugged up.
She never understood Aeri. This is the first time she saw her vulnerable. The woman’s love blinded her that she never saw fear and pain. Maybe that’s why her eyes were so dark and mysterious, because she never made any effort to look into it in the light.
“It’s okay. You’re not selfish, and it’s okay to be sometimes. It’s okay, you’ve been strong for so long. You can lean on me. It’s okay to cry, my love. Let me understand, let me feel you Aeri.”
With those words, Aeri’s walls broke down. She lets the tears flow like a river, her mouth lets out silent sobs, her hands gripping on Ningning’s clothes. The issue at hand was forgotten, Ningning just wanted to be the one who comforts the woman this time. She wanted the woman to know how much she means to her.
“It’s really weird though.” Aeri laughed between sobs, shaking her head in disbelief. “Even though I said that I want to die like this with so much determination, a tiny bit in me still wants to go on and be with you. To continue being a burden until whenever I can.”
Ningning hummed, letting the older one speak her thoughts, “Maybe make myself more memorable? Because I’m scared that you’ll forget me, that you will fall in love with someone else and forget me. I-I want to be there for you always.”
The girl shakes her head as she tries to hush Aeri’s cries, “ I will never do that, you are the love of my life. Like I said, I am the happiest with you.” She wipes Aeri’s tears with the pad of her thumb just like how the woman did earlier.
"The only time my love for you runs out is when the stars cease to exist." She whispers in her mind, she loves the woman so much but she must’ve failed to show it to her.
“But someday you will, you have to.” The harsh wind blows along with Aeri’s soft chuckle. “I’m scared, but what I know is that you’re here right now, you love me right at this moment. Someday, you’ll have to let me go.”
No, what the hell is she thinking about? She will never do that, she will never let Aeri go. Her love is only for Aeri’s to take, not anyone else.
“Hey, hey,” She felt Aeri cupping her face and made her look into her eyes. “Your face is turning sour.” She laughed heartily.
Aeri held her hand and ran her thumb into the back of her palms, before bringing it to her lips and placing a chaste kiss. “It may not be now, hmmm might not be tomorrow, but someday.”
“Promise me that someday you will let me go, that you will go and live your life happily.”
Ningning never admitted it but she loves Aeri’s voice.
A voice so warm, unlike the cold wind that's touching her skin.
A voice so mellow and soft that brings comfort to her.
A voice so heart-wrenching yet so beautiful.
“Just please, don’t forget me. Don’t forget the love we have, the memories we made. Please don’t forget the happiness you felt with me.”
That very voice is begging for her to let go of her greatest love.
“My dear Yi Zhuo?”
That voice pulled her from the dark pits of her thoughts, making her look at the woman in front of her. She thought she could be the stronger person right now, she thought that she could show Aeri how much she loves her, that maybe she could change her mind. The certainty in Aeri’s eyes rendered her hopeless.
Why is fate so unfair? Why is she so unfair?
She never imagined this, she never wished for their hands to separate.
“Please…”
She feels lost, devastated— yet she nodded, and saw how Aeri’s lips form a longing and painful smile.
“Thank you. Thank you, love.”
A wave of tranquility hits her as Aeri places a lingering kiss on her forehead. It’s like the world fell back into place. Except that she wishes for time to stop, she wants to be in Aeri’s warm embrace forever.
“I love you, Yi Zhuo.” With a smile, she closed their distance and kissed Ningning like it’s her first; soft, delicate, warm. The girl kissed her back, desperate, hurting, and grave, wanting to let the woman know how much love she has for her.
But love is not enough to change her mind, it’s not enough to change their faith.
Pulling away, catching their breaths, Aeri tugged her lips into a genuine smile.
And that day, she felt the heat of the brightest star in her heart: The day when she lost her moon.
"For the last time....”
“Can we just dance one more time, please?"