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It was so dark and cold.
Noé remembered reading once that the ocean reached such depths that eventually no light reached those living down there. Those creatures spent their whole lives never knowing what light and warmth were, down in the bottom of dark waters.
He was reminded of that now.
When Noé read someone’s memories in their blood, it was a lot like diving into their mind. The blood was a mere conduit as memories, thoughts, and feelings flowed past and through him. Though he could better control which streams he followed as he got older, unless the person he drank from was purposefully showing him something, every time it felt like jumping into unknown waters.
Still, he never expected to dive into his own memories.
Noé hadn’t meant to do that. And yet, here he was.
He just…had to know. He had to know where it all went wrong. If there had been signs from the beginning that he’d ignored or hadn’t originally noticed. If there had been some way to know what was coming.
Because Teacher had arranged for all of this to happen.
It was betrayal like Noé had never known before.
He’d always admired Teacher. Teacher had taken him in, taught him so much, given him a place and a purpose. Teacher had saved him.
Right?
But if Teacher was capable of allowing all that had happened in the amusement park to take place, then Noé couldn’t help but wonder what else Teacher would’ve allowed or even encouraged.
So Noé grabbed onto the anchors of trauma in his mind, letting them drag him down to the darkest depths of his memories to see all that he usually left better off forgotten. The memories he hated to think about, the things he didn’t want to deal with, the horrors of his own past were waiting to greedily ensnare him.
He realized that he might have been a bit unfair to his partner. After all, it’s not like he ever talked about his own past.
Noé traveled through the worst memories he possessed. He let himself remember. He didn’t want to, but he had to.
And just like the times he’d viewed the memories of others, the truth slowly revealed itself.
The signs weren’t necessarily big. They were subtle, just the slightest touch or nudge here and there. A misplaced gesture or sentence or lesson suddenly took on a sickly new light. Hints that he could only now see with time and hindsight.
Louis had tried to warn him.
Teacher…was not a good person.
Noé had always thought Teacher had bought him and saved him because deep down he was a kind and gentle person. Now, for the first time in his life, he thought of his rescue and Teacher with fear.
If it wasn’t out of kindness, why did Teacher rescue him?
Why did he seem to be doing the same thing with Mikhail?
Why did he send him to find and observe the Book of Vanitas in the first place?
Noé shuddered at these questions. But the worst one of all haunted him the most.
How many had suffered because of Teacher’s plots?
He already knew that those he cared for most were on that list.
Louis.
Domi.
Vanitas.
Noé felt tears pricking her eyes as the thought came to him once more.
The people he loved had been hurt due to his negligence. He should have noticed, he should have done something.
But he hadn’t and now he was stuck with this.
In more ways than one…
Noé didn’t know how to leave this darkness. He was trapped by his memories; they flickered at the corners of his consciousness like mirages, pulling at him to wallow here forever.
He didn’t want to stay; he couldn’t stay. He might have failed in the past, but that was all the more reason to do better in the future. He couldn’t do anything at all though if he remained here.
But it was dark and cold and more memories pulled him down as heavy as chains.
When he dove into others’ memories, the way out was always so clear, but how do you escape yourself?
Worst of all, he couldn’t bring himself to move. His memories weighed him down, and the cold and dark discouraged trying to stumble about.
So he stayed curled up in a ball in the depths of his memories.
That was probably why he didn’t notice at first.
It started as a subtle glow, the area around it slightly lighter than the rest of the darkness. It descended from above so Noé didn’t see it as the light grew brighter and brighter, until he finally noticed that he could see more than the memories strewn about him. Even then, it took him a few moments to see the source as he slowly looked around and then up to find it. Once he did though, he simply blinked at it.
It appeared to be about the size of a lantern, its light a stark contrast to the darkness around him and shining ever brighter for it. But he knew it couldn’t be. The light was not the cheery yellow or fierce orange one could expect from a lit candle, and as it drew closer he could see that it was not a flame bound within the confines of a glass prison.
It was simply…an orb of light.
But what really caught Noé’s attention was the color.
The orb exuded a gentle, calm blue light.
Noé stared at it as it settled before him, not quite sure what to make of it. It didn’t really belong here, not in his memories nor in this darkness, with its pleasant glow. It did remind him of something though.
Then it spoke.
“Noé.” The voice was muffled as if from under water, making it hard to place it.
He blinked. “What?” Noé croaked.
The orb sighed. “Are you lost again?” If the orb was a person Noé could almost imagine it shaking its head. “You really ought to stop wandering into the strangest of places.”
He still couldn’t place the voice but the tone struck a chord in his mind…
“Hey.” Again, he could almost see someone’s expression to go with the words, a tilt of the head and a raised eyebrow. “How long are you going to wallow down here?”
“I…” Noé attempted to collect himself. “I can’t…”
“Can’t what?”
“I don’t…” Noé found himself blushing. “I don’t know how to leave.”
The orb was silent for a moment, as if studying him, and then it sighed again. “Whatever am I going to do with you?” Despite the words, it sounded almost fond. “Luckily, you have me looking out for you, my dear Noé.”
And that’s when it hit Noé why this blue light was so familiar, why this voice and these words felt so comforting despite having no place here among the worst Noé’s mind had to offer.
It reminded him of the blue moon he loved so much.
It reminded him of…
The orb changed form, expanding and stretching until a person stepped through, still glowing with that gentle blue light.
“Come on, Noé.” Vanitas said, amusement glinting in his eyes and a small smile. “Let’s go home.” He held out his hand.
And as Noé reached out, casting aside the chains of memory that held him back, he was suddenly reminded of something else he had once read.
People often talked of the sun and how it brightened everything with its warmth. They talked about how its light made everything clearer and easy to see. They talked about how the sun was obviously the superior celestial body with all it did for the world.
But in older times, when things were at their darkest, people would look to the moon as a guiding lantern in the night, lighting the path to bring those who wandered back home.
Noé took Vanitas’s hand.
And in the blink of an eye, he was staring up at the ceiling of his room in Hotel Chouchou.
Noé just laid there for a moment, confused at the abrupt change of scenery. Even before his detour into his memories, he was very sure that he’d been —
“Oh, you’re awake!”
Noé flinched at the sudden, chipper voice and when he lifted his head up and leaned forward, he saw Jeanne sitting on Vanitas’s bed.
Jeanne smiled at him in reassurance from where she was perched on the bed, her legs tucked underneath her. In one hand, she held a book that she’d clearly been reading. Her other hand was slowly threading through Domi’s hair, the latter sprawled across the bed with her head resting Jeanne’s lap. Light from the opened window shone on Domi’s face, making it clear that she was as uninjured as when Noé last saw her, at least physically.
“We were all so worried…” Jeanne continued to say when Noé didn’t respond. “You wouldn’t wake up no matter what, even when your wounds were being treated.”
As he finished taking in the visage of the two ladies, Noé realized that there was something important missing from this picture. “Wait, Vanitas —!” He tried to fully sit up, because even if his partner was still hurt, after everything that had happened, Noé wouldn’t have been shocked if Vanitas had climbed out the window and ran away, but a tugging on his right hand stopped him. He paused, because it was his left hand that was still injured, not his right, and looked down at his side.
The sight made him freeze.
Vanitas was asleep, allowing Noé to see his sleeping face for the first time of their acquaintance. But what really caught Noé’s attention was the way Vanitas clutched his right hand in his own. Vanitas’s upper body was curled around it, turned away from the others and towards Noé. He was technically seated in the chair they normally kept in the corner, but he’d mostly flopped over onto the bed despite the pressure it put on his bandages injuries. His left foot was propped up on the window sill, a bag of what was probably ice at one point still placed upon it.
But that wasn’t the important part.
Vanitas was still here.
Jeanne appeared to pick up on Noé’s train of thought. “Both of you were unconscious after that last attack. Vanitas woke first when we arrived here and insisted on treating your wounds. He wouldn’t let us help with his own though.” She scowled at that. “Once we settled you in, he was quite persistent in staying by your side. He and Lady Dominique fought about it.”
The winner of that bout was clear.
“But he…didn’t try to leave?”
It didn’t make sense. Vanitas always retreated, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, when he’d been forced to be vulnerable, and this entire incident cut straight to his core.
Jeanne tilted her head, eyebrows furrowed. “Why would he have left?”
Noé stared at her.
Maybe she didn’t know Vanitas as well as he thought.
He looked back down at Vanitas, wondering if he should take his hand back. No doubt Vanitas would be embarrassed to find himself in this position if he woke up like this, just like whenever Noé grabbed and hugged him in his sleep.
However, as if sensing his thoughts, Vanitas grumbled a bit under his breath and held onto him even tighter.
Noé blinked at that.
Sometimes, it felt like he was the only one reaching out towards Vanitas. But now that he thought about it…
Vanitas always made sure to bring breakfast for them both in the morning.
When he was attacked by Naenia and Charlatan at the ball, Vanitas had been the one to drive them off.
Noé might have been the one to ask, but Vanitas was the one who offered his hand to dance in Altus Paris.
Vanitas told him about what happened to his family and the bare bones of his time with the chasseurs and Moreau when Noé hesitated to ask.
Vanitas always accompanied him on his walks when he asked or came to find him whenever he got lost.
In Gévaudan, when Noé was consumed by Jean-Jacques’s memories and attacked, Vanitas was the one who found and rescued him.
And it had been his advice that had helped Noé defeat Astolfo.
Maybe… Maybe in his own way, Vanitas had been reaching back to Noé as well.
And come to think of it, down in the depths of his memories, that vision of Vanitas…
Oh.
That made a lot more sense now.
Noé smiled down at Vanitas and curled his fingers around Vanitas’s.
“If you want to sleep some more you can.” Jeanne said, and he glanced back up at her. “I know that there’s probably things we all need to discuss but,” she paused in her pets and looked down at Domi, her expression softening, “last night was a lot for you three. You should rest while you still can. I’ll look out for you all.”
“Thank you.” Noé genuinely was grateful. As the only person who didn’t have a connection to any of this, he was glad that she was here and looking after Domi especially.
Noé sank down into his pillow and fixed his eyes on Vanitas. The knowledge that he was here, that he was safe, eased him more than anything else. It made it all too easy to succumb to the tiredness deep down in his bones.
As his eyes fluttered shut, he could still feel Vanitas’s hand entwined in his own and he smiled to himself.
For once, he wasn’t worried about any potential nightmares he might have, despite the fact he poked through his worst memories earlier.
Because without a doubt, somehow he knew, Vanitas would find him and lead him home again.