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At first, for a while, Levi didn’t believe it was true. That the Ackerbond was just some stupid made up shit that Kenny said to scare him.
So why was he hurting so bad? Why does he feel like his whole body is trying to cave in on itself. He feels the empty need to protect, to follow, to obey.
But Erwin has died long ago. And Levi feels just as empty as the Ackerman blood that runs under his skin. Who is he if not Erwins once right hand? Who does he follow now?
He feels broken and defeated. He feels as if he has lost all purpose. Already done with the promise he made to the blond man, killing the beast titan, he feels so lost.
An intense buzz of melancholy settled into his bones the second he cut that bastards head. He’s done, he has nothing left to do. Nothing else to prove. He’s powerless, one eye down, one busted knee, and two fingers missing. He’s getting old. He knows this all too well.
The war has ended, but he can’t relax. His whole body shakes with the need to fight, to give his own life meaning. Because right now, he doesn’t know who he is.
The lines between humanities strongest and Levi Ackerman have bled into themselves long ago in the days filled with fighting those titans, fighting the supposed “good war”. He’s nothing if not the soldier he was at his prime.
He supposes it’s time to settle down. To let the stiffness he carries on his shoulders like a shield to finally fall. To give it all a rest.
If it were a perfect world he would’ve imagined himself in a tiny home with Erwin by his side. Days filled with normalcy and calmness, drinking tea while reading the newspapers and perhaps tending to a garden.
Where Hange would be their neighbor with Moblit, same with Miche and Nanaba. All living peacefully and getting together quite frequently for meals and outings.
A world where all of them were alive. But they’re not. Not anymore.
Now it’s him that lives in a tiny home, no garden and no calmness.
Once the promise was finished, he feels as if he has nothing more that ties him back to Erwin. At least before he had the rage fueled drive that connected him with the man, but that rope has long been severed.
Or so he thought. Because now he carries that ache, that won’t seem to go away, with him wherever he goes. A phantom pain running through his brain and heart.
He reminds himself that it’s just the remnants of what he once had with him. Feeling the handprints of Erwins past touches. He can feel the man all around him, but he’s not really there. He’s just playing with his shadow. He could reach out and touch him, but he was never truly here with him.
Erwin is the ghost hanging off his skin.
Erwin is the scar that healed long ago which still hurts to the touch.
Erwin is the legs that burn that aren’t there at all and all the broken bones.
Erwin is the marks of a ghost.
Levi wishes, occasionally when the pain is too much to bare, that he wasn’t born an Ackerman. For had he been born anyone else, he wouldn’t be in this position, in this pain.
The smell of Erwin doesn’t linger anymore, the clothes of the blond he managed to keep are teared and already have aired out the signature scent. But Levi still keeps them in a box in his closet, for the days that hurt too much so he could wear them.
He breathes quietly, phantom pains of the broken bond running under his skin as he lays in bed. It’s been a while since anyone has bothered to visit him, especially once he convinced Gabi and Falco to move out to live their life freely with the promise of weekly visits, which aren’t that weekly anymore.
Sometimes the pain is so great it feels it’s crushing his heart. Where his chest is straining with the pressure of his grief, where his skin grows pale and his breaths turn shallow.
He had never wanted to bond with someone. And although his was accidental, he should’ve seen it coming with the way he was with Erwin. With what they had and what they wanted.
Everyone talked about the bond, but not when it breaks. When it breaks and you and you’re entire world as you know it breaks with it too. A storm destroying everything you have and who you once were. It takes and it takes, but it’s never enough. Nothing ever is. Especially not the pain he’s in.
He wonders briefly, if Erwin could see him now, what would he think? What would he think of the pathetic shell of a man he’s been. Bound and broken to his bed in agony and depression, with no drive to move forward and no will to live.
He knew he already felt the bond before he had it. Long before he had Erwin, his days were just as empty, but perhaps not as painful. But he once had him, and he lost him.
Part of him thinks he never truly had Erwin, only time did. They lived on stolen time, growing apart as their clocks ticked away while their skins touched and mended their pain inside their hearts.
They were both born feral. Infected with the same diseases to crave knowledge, to know and to win, to lose and to learn. No blood could’ve ever been enough for both of them. Yet the ugly parts they saw in themselves they loved in each other.
They were the same, those dark animals that cautiously kept crossing the lines between self control and power. Amidst everything however, they loved with no qualms.
He knows the blond is his phantom pains. And now they’ll never be close enough to know again. What a waste.