Chapter Text
They hadn’t ended up going to find the Flor De La Mar straight away. Dan, always the ever reasonable one, had convinced the Doctor into giving them at least an hour to recuperate. Yaz didn’t miss the knowing look he sent her way before heading up the steps toward one of the many freshly revamped kitchens in search of a cup of tea.
The silence that hung over the console room after he left swallowed Yaz. She felt consumed by it as she watched the Doctor fiddle aimlessly with the controls. It was obvious they weren’t actually doing anything. Yaz had enough experience flying the ship herself to know that now.
It was always a bit unnerving, to see the Doctor speechless. When the silence became unbearable, Yaz stepped away from the console and headed toward the steps. Maybe she’d go find Dan.
“I’m sorry.”
Yaz paused at the bottom step. When she turned, the Doctor was still hunched over the controls. She watched the Doctor’s shoulder’s rise and fall with a heavy sigh before she turned to face Yaz.
“For snapping at you, in the basement. There was no time and as much as I don’t like to admit it I was panicking a bit. It was wrong of me. So… I’m sorry.”
Yaz joined the Doctor at the console, butterflies fluttering wildly in her stomach.
“It’s okay… I just,” Yaz huffed and shook her head, “Nevermind.”
“Yaz?”
Yaz’s gaze dropped to the floor. “It doesn’t matter.”
There was a weighted pause, then, “Please.”
When she looked up, the Doctor’s eyes were wide and remorseful and so so beautiful. And well, how was she supposed to say no to that? Especially now. Especially after the acknowledgement of what all this meant.
Yaz let out a shaky breath before steeling herself. “Sometimes, it feels like you leave me behind or send me off to do other stuff on purpose because you don’t want to spend time with me. And I know that’s probably stupid of me but–”
“Yaz,” the Doctor interrupted, Yaz’s heart jumped into her throat when she felt cool fingers wrap around her own, “ Never think that this case. At all. Because that is never ever the case. You are so important to me.”
The Doctor squeezed Yaz’s fingers and she appreciated the reassurance. It made her chest glow with a recognisable warmth.
“Doctor?”
“Hm?”
They held each other’s gaze, and for a moment, Yaz could’ve sworn she stopped breathing. Everything froze. Her lungs, the blood in her veins, the air around them — time itself. Everything except her heart which was slamming against her ribcage.
The world started to move again when she sucked in a deep breath.
“I um—”
It felt like a stone had formed in Yaz’s throat, clogging her words and forcing them back down into her tight chest. She tried to push past it. Tried to focus on the warmth in the Doctor’s eyes.
“I...”
But it was too hard. The words weren’t coming out. They were stuck and had no plans to budge. Not even the slight hint of disappointment on the Doctor’s features was enough to coax them out.
Yaz’s nerves were too much, in the end. So, she pulled her hand from the Doctor’s and tried to force down the wave over nausea overcoming her at an alarming rate. This was too hard. Way too hard. No matter what Dan said.
She needed to getaway. Now. The Doctor’s proximity was too much. Yaz started stepping back toward the steps.
“I need to go and check Dan is alright. You know. After dying so many times.”
“Yaz?”
“I’ll find you later, yeah? Flor De La Mar.”
“Flor De La Mar,” the Doctor replied in resignation, her smile tight on her lips.
What was that for?
Yaz didn’t have time to think about that. She was too busy sprinting down the hallway in search of her room. Luckily the TARDIS was feeling kind and moved it close. Perhaps she was feeling in a better mood after the reset. Yaz barged through the door and headed straight for the connecting bathroom.
It turned quickly turned out to be more than just a feeling of nausea when Yaz heaved over the toilet, emptying her stomach of the anxiety that had insistently stewed through her and the Doctor’s conversation. Yaz spat the remainder away before wiping her mouth and standing slowly. She felt lightheaded as she flushed the toilet, barely registering anything as she brushed the bitter taste of bile from her mouth.
Mouth freshly minty, Yaz made her way back into her bedroom and slumped down on her mattress. The only sound in the room was her breathing, even the general hum of the TARDIS seemed to fade away as Dan’s words ran on repeat in her head. Ironic, really. It was like her own mind was stuck in a time loop of its own.
Have you ever told her? How you feel about her.
Just tell her. I took way too long to tell somebody that I liked them and then the universe ended and everything got messy.
Tears spilled down Yaz’s cheeks before she even realised she was welling up. A quiet sob fell from her lips and her hand shot up to cover her mouth.
She squeezed her eyes shut in a failed attempt to stop the tears from falling, and they only fell harder when she opened her eyes again.
How had it taken so long?
How had it taken so long to realise her feelings for what they were?
The answer was obvious. It was fear. Fear of acceptance. Of herself and from friends and family. She’d not uttered a word to another human being about it her entire life, and now it turned out Dan knew. He’d been around them only one week and he knew. Who else knew? Her mum? Her dad? Sonya, Ryan, Graham?
The Doctor?
Just the thought made her feel sick again. She can’t know. The thought sent a fresh wave of tears rolling down Yaz’s cheeks.
Is it that obvious?
“Fuck,” Yaz breathed, voice trembling and hands shaking.
When stepping aboard the TARDIS all those years ago, falling for her best friend hadn’t been the plan.