Chapter Text
Felix has been running around the galaxy for several months now. If you'd told him what his life would become, when he was still just a stowaway in the Back Bays, he'd probably have laughed in your face and then decked you for trying to get his hopes up. Or maybe the other way around; he's a big fan of hit first and laugh later.
Still, he'd somehow ended up finally getting his chance to get off the colony ship, and there were worse places to end up than the Unreliable, and worse people to take orders from than its captain. Felix still remembers the first time he saw the man; he'd just strolled off a ship that somehow looked simultaneously unbreakable and held together by nothing more than tape and hope. Felix could see a holster at his hip, two guns on his back, and a frown on his face. The spacer had walked up to Felix and the Mardet, and asked for Felix's side of the story, looking down with earnest hazel eyes. He had looked like he cared about what an unknown Back Bay boy had to say for himself and so it had been an easy decision for Felix to pack up all his gear in a small rucksack and give the most impassioned speech of his life at the foot of that ship.
If Felix's honest with himself, he still can't quite pin down what makes the captain tick. He's brought Felix groundside with him on dozens of missions by now, probably the most out of their ragtag crew. Felix has seen him sweet talk his way out of trouble, all sly smirk and raspy voice, and fight his way through Marauders and beasts alike, all laser focus and quick reflexes. He looks at ease both covered in other people's blood and sipping whiskey at a Byzantium bar, and Felix can't help but wonder who he is — and why he took a starry-eyed stowaway in. The rest of the crew makes sense; Parvati's an engineer, Ellie's a sawbones, Nyoka's a hunter, SAM's a mech fighter, and the Vicar's smart. Felix is… If he's honest with himself, he's hot-headed and idealistic, a decent fighter, but still just a Back Bay brat who'd had trouble keeping a job back on the Groundbreaker. Certainly nothing to justify his keep on the Unreliable, or the faith the captain seems to have in him.
Felix's train of thought is interrupted by the man himself knocking on his door, leaning in the doorway. The captain has a new scratch on his cheekbone, his blond hair is falling haphazardly out of its braid around his face, and he's never looked as beautiful. There's a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, and Felix notes that today's outfit is one of the colorful pieces picked up from that tailor on Byzantium, on one of their previous jaunts to the city; Felix didn't know much about fashion, but he knew it looked real pretty.
“Hey, boss, what's up?” Felix forces his eyes up to the captain's face and pretends he hadn't been checking the man out.
“You know you can call me Sol, Felix.” Felix doesn't think he'll ever get tired of the way his name sounds in the captain's mouth, and he can feel a smile come up on his face to mirror the one on the other man's. “I was down in Byzantium, and found a poster that made me think of you. Reckoned it would go well with your other one.” Other poster that the captain had also picked up for him , Felix's mind helpfully supplies. The captain holds out a rolled up poster Felix hadn't even noticed, and waits for his reaction. It almost looks like the captain's nervous, rolling on the balls of his feet, but Felix tells himself there's no reason that would be true. Titus Andronicus , the poster reads, showing two robot actors in front of a fiery background. Felix had managed to glimpse most of the film on the Groundbreaker while working one of his previous jobs, and it had been fun to watch.
“It's great, boss.” The captain has a relieved smile on his face, and Felix tries to ignore how intently hazel eyes follow him as he puts the poster up on the wall near his bed. Felix has noticed that their captain had a tendency to pick up trinkets for the crew wherever they went, like a snow globe for SAM or some medical journals for Ellie, but it still made his stomach do weird things when it was his turn to get a gift. He didn't have many things to bring with him when he left the Groundbreaker, so most of the stuff he's amassed in his cabin are gifts from the man in front of him; some tossballs, a Danger! sign, and a Terror on Monarch poster.
“Glad to hear it. How've you been doing? Anything you need?” The blond is still in the doorway, and Felix gestures him in; while the captain has an open-door policy for his own cabin, he never walks into other people's spaces, even if it's his ship and he could, which makes Felix lo- like him a little more. Felix wouldn't have complained if the captain had just strolled in, but it was the first time he had a space that was only his and consideration for his boundaries was… new to him.
The spacer drops into one of the chairs at his table with a poorly stifled sigh, and Felix takes a good look at him — actually looks at him. The man has dark bags under his hazel eyes, and he's looking a bit more gaunt than Felix's used to seeing him, the uncharacteristic pallor of his usually tan skin making him look washed out against his pale hair. Felix tries to remember the last time his captain took a day off, and comes up short; team members are always rotated out so they all have a chance to rest and nurse any injuries. For the captain, though, there was always some quest or other dragging him off his ship. Felix had been about to ask him to go to Scylla, check out what Harlow's message had been about, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knows the captain wouldn't tell him no; he'd watched — and helped — as they went around the galaxy getting things for Parvati's date, and the Vicar's spiritual journey, and Ellie's insurance scam thing, and Nyoka's memorial hunt. He knows the captain would agree and that's why he can't ask. Felix can see that being Halcyon's go-to man for a bunch of errands is starting to weigh heavily, and his own troubles just seemed so unimportant, especially since he is still unsure about his belonging on board.
“Ah, nothing, Captain.” Felix takes the chair next to him, halfheartedly scooting it so he's not in the other man's personal space.
“Hm.” Felix's heart jumps as the captain turns to him, hazel eyes staring into his soul. He should've remembered how good the blond is at seeing through people, some kind of sixth sense making him question strangers on touchy topics and getting the truth out of people used to hiding it. Felix's sure he's going to get called out on his lie, and he can't help the tension building up in his shoulders. After everything the captain's done for him, how can Felix even stand lying to him? Is this the moment he fucks it up and gets sent back to Groundbreaker? Should he start apologi—
“D'you have an hour or two?” Felix blinks, jarred out of his downward spiral and looks at the captain. The man's still looking at him, a placid smile on his face, and Felix has no idea what's in store for him.
“S-sure, boss. What's up?”
“Groundside. Let's go.” The captain gets up in one smooth motion, and if he has to lean on the table to do so, Felix sure isn't about to point that out. Felix grabs his weapons, holstering them as he hurries to follow the blond. He's puzzled — the man just came back from running errands in Byzantium, so why is he going back? Felix waits to see which other member of the crew is getting called up to make up the usual three-person group, but no name is forthcoming, the two of them simply strolling out of the ship with a quick goodbye to ADA.
Felix somehow struggles to keep up the pace, even though the captain only has a couple of inches on him. The spacer keeps up a casual chat with Felix as they're walking, but the latter is too caught up in his own panicked thoughts to be a decent conversationalist, or to keep track of where they're going.
Which is how they end up at a table on the patio of Billingsly's, a whiskey in front of the captain and some lager in front of Felix. Did he take Felix away from the crew to chastise him for lying? Is this his nice way of letting him down?
“Felix.” The captain clearly sees the tension in Felix's shoulders, and the latter knows he's not hiding his nerves as well as he should. “Hey.” He tries again, softer, a hand reaching out to lay on his arm, and the concern he hears in his voice breaks Felix's heart. “What's wrong?”
“Are you kicking me off the ship?” Felix's mouth blurts the words out before his brain has time to tell him to shut up, and if he could slap himself he would. He drops his eyes to the table, hands fidgeting around his glass.
“ What ?” The captain's hand tightens around his arm, fingers digging almost painfully into the younger man's muscles, and Felix has never heard the captain's voice sound like that . Felix risks a glance up at his face, and almost wishes he didn't; the blond looks like he just got slapped, eyes wide in some emotion Felix can't decipher. The moment the captain realizes his fingers are still locked in a tight grip on the other man's forearm is obvious, and with a quick breath, he forces himself to let go. “Why would I do that?”
“'Cause you ain't really got a reason to keep me around, boss. Everyone else has an actual role on the ship, a job they used to have before they boarded. I ain't got nothin' like that. I'm just okay at hitting things when you tell me to.” He shrugs. “And ‘cause I ain't tell you the truth earlier when you asked me if anything was up; I know you hate when people lie to you.” Felix's mind is already made up; the captain's never humoured liars, why would he be an exception?
“Laws, Felix, no! I'm sorry if I ever did anything to make you believe you weren't appreciated.” The captain's voice is shaking and, for someone who usually has such a tight rein on himself, it's shocking. “Did… did you think I brought you here to kick you off where no one else would hear?” At Felix's nod, the captain lets out a shuddering breath and downs his glass in one gulp, rubbing a hand over his face. “No, I brought you here because I thought you might be uncomfortable talking about whatever was troubling you where someone else could overhear. The Unreliable ain't big enough to have secrets in. I thought maybe a drink off the ship would help you calm down a bit and then you'd tell me, but I wouldn't kick you off the ship if you didn't. I'd never make you do something you didn't want to.”
The captain flags down the drinks robot, ordering himself another whiskey, and Felix thinks that if he looked closely enough, he could see a faint trembling in those strong hands, so he simply doesn't look. . The captain is this greater-than-life figure, and although he wants nothing more than to get through to the person behind the mantle, this feels too raw, too private for him to look at. Still-
“Why?” Felix doesn't get why someone would care like that about him. Back on the Groundbreaker, when he was a kid, he was used to getting pushed around by people stronger and smarter than him. Even growing up, sometimes it was easier to give in to people when they had demands of him, be it food, bits or... other things. Just give them what they want until they get tired and go away — it usually worked. Why would this man, who takes no shit from anyone and can shoot someone from a mile away, go out of his way for a stowaway who begged to get let on his ship?
“Because I care about you, Felix. I don't know what I did to make you doubt me, but I do. Sure, you're not a Byzantium-bred sawbones or a Monarch-raised hunter or whatever the others are, but I don't care about that. You're a damn good guy to have at my back while I'm trying to unfuck this forsaken solar system. It's why I drag you out on these stupid missions so often. I trust you to watch my back when I can't.” His hand reaches out to cover Felix's where it's laying on the table, and he lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. “Please give me a chance to make you believe in me.”
The tray-bearing robot brings another glass of whiskey, and Felix says nothing as it sets it on the table between them. With his free hand, he brings his beer to his mouth, winning himself some time as he takes a few sips of the now lukewarm drink. He's hyper-aware of the weight of the captain's hand on his, soft skin warm and comforting.
“I… I'm sorry, boss. I guess old habits die hard.” Felix tries not to sound too bitter when he says it, but he knows he failed when the captain shoots him a sympathetic glance. “I just want… something to go right for once. I… admire you, Captain. Don't wanna let you down, even though I'm not always sure what you see in me.”
“Oh, Felix.” The captain's hand tightens around his, thumb gently rubbing on the back of his hand. If Felix moved his hand just a bit, their fingers could entwine and they could hold hands properly, the way he's daydreamt about so many times but that would be presumptuous, so he just takes another sip of his drink. “Brave, beautiful, foolish Felix -” and Felix almost chokes on his beer, only reflex saving him from coughing it up all over the captain, because he'd just gotten called brave and beautiful and this was Solaris, his captain, and nothing makes sense right now. “One day you'll see what I see.”
There's nothing to say to that, really, and Felix doesn't trust himself to speak anyway, so he just looks at the captain. He probably looks stupid, just staring, but the other man doesn't seem to mind, just looks back at him with a small smile barely lifting the corners of his lips and emotions Felix can't — won't — think about in his hazel eyes. The captain's still grasping his hand, and he desperately hopes the heat on his cheeks doesn't translate into a visible blush, because he'd rather die if that was the case.
“Uh, boss? Just um, hypothetically. If a friend, someone you knew when you were growing up but who just, like, disappeared, up and vanished one day. If that person sent you a message five years later, out of the aether, what's going through your head?” Felix's not really meeting the other's eyes, and he can't help but be dodgy about it. He still doesn't really know what to make of Harlow's message, and he wants to hear what the captain thinks.
“Cute, Felix, what's her name?” The captain lets go of Felix's hand, and reaches for his drink instead. Felix blinks at the sudden change of mood, the blond's voice weirdly peppy in a way that makes it hard to believe, hand already missing the other.
“No! Ain't like that, boss, you got the wrong idea. There's no one like that.” Felix's voice rises, slightly panicked. He doesn't want to think about why he's so vehement in dispelling his idea, or why it seems to actually work, the captain's shoulders relaxing a fraction, but he's good at not looking too closely at anything that can get his hopes up for nothing. “Just a guy, name's Clyde Harlow. I've known him for a long time — probably my first and longest friend. Just heard from him, says he wants to talk to me, and that it's urgent.”
“Of course, Felix.” The captain agrees like Felix had just asked him for salt at the dinner table, not a detour halfway across the system when he's already stretched so thin. “This is clearly important to you. Where is he? We can be on the way as soon as we get back to the ship.”
“He's on Scylla. Don't know why he's on an asteroid, though.” Felix can feel himself relaxing, even as a pang of guilt hits him. The captain's already so busy, so adding this on his plate just feels wrong, especially when he knows he has half a dozen other things he should be doing instead of sitting with him at a bar, comforting him. “Appreciate this, boss. I know you're going out of your way for me, and I'm sorry to add this on to your tasks.”
“Anything for you, Felix. I'm glad you told me so I can help you.” The shy little smile he'd had earlier today, knocking on his door with a rolled up poster, is back, and Felix mirrors it. In moments like these, he really wants to believe the captain. The conversation transitions into more casual small talk as they both finish their drinks, and Felix realizes it's been a good few weeks since he and the captain had just caught up with each other.
A short while later,the Unreliable is landing on Scylla, and Felix and Parvati are flanking the captain as he walks to the base. The flight had been mostly uneventful, the captain catching up on correspondence and armor repairs and the crew enjoying the down-time of travel; Felix himself had spent the time chatting with Nyoka in the kitchen.
They get stopped by an angry-looking merc at the entrance to Clyde's base, asking them where they're going. By now, Felix knows what to expect of the captain; he returns the energy he's given to work with, and will never reveal anything he doesn't think the other person already knows. If the man hadn't almost spat out his question, he might have tried to talk him down, but as it is —
"I'll be going through you if you fucking push me." His chin is raised, chest puffed out, and finger hovering dangerously close to the trigger of the shotgun he favours for close range confrontations. The armour he chose for this outing gives him a couple of inches so he's almost towering over the merc, and with the snarl on his face, he's the hottest thing Felix has seen in a while. You'd think he'd be used to seeing the captain intimidate people, but it still makes warmth pool low in his belly every time he does.
Just like that, the man lets them through with no trouble, a couple of appreciative comments about the captain's delivery and lingering glances at him notwithstanding. Felix tries not to let jealousy affect him, because this is just a lookout they'll likely not see again, and the captain hadn't even spared the merc a backwards glance, but he's not sure he fully manages to keep the scowl off his face.
The base they walk through isn't much, impersonal and full of stacked crates, and Felix can't help but compare it to the crowded but homey feel of the Unreliable. When they get to Clyde, the captain steps behind Felix and to the left, close enough to touch, but far away enough that it's clear he is letting Felix take point on this entire conversation. Felix feels his shoulders stiffen at Clyde's casual greeting, feels bitter that the man before him looks well and healthy, and the nonchalance of his quip about him being stuck on the Groundbreaker is a low blow.
Felix's posture relaxes a fraction when he feels the captain's hand settle on his back, a soft touch hidden from Clyde and meant just for him. He doesn't turn around to look, because that wouldn't be smooth in the middle of a conversation, but he likes to think the captain has that small smile on his face, the one Felix really likes, and the thought gives him strength.
"That's Captain Solaris Jones and Parvati Holcomb, mechanic.” Felix can't hide the pride in his voice when he introduces his friends. Clyde turns his head to look at the captain, and the appraising look he sends him has Felix rolling his eyes internally.
"So you're the one who took Felix under his wing and kept him busy. Good. Kid always needed a place to belong."
"Not sure what you're trying to imply, Mister, but Felix's been watchin' out for us as much as we've been watchin' out for him. He's family." Parvati speaks up, and Felix isn't very far from having to blink back tears.
"Hear that, Clyde? I've been making something of myself."
"As long as you haven't been making a fool out of yourself." The man looks like he wants to say more, but a quiet snarl from the captain and the subtle click of him thumbing the safety off his gun stops him. "I'm sure Felix has a lot to say about your... exploits together. I'm looking forward to catching up." Clyde pauses, apparently waiting for the captain to say something, but the man stays silent, continuing to give Felix control over the situation, and he can't help but puff up his chest a bit at his captain leaving the conversation to him. So Felix takes over, tries to find out why they're here, why he got a message after five silent years. When Clyde talks about recruiting him so they can have that revolution they'd talked about all those years ago, he can feel himself frowning even before he sees the captain stiffen from the corner of his eye.
"Easy there, Clyde. Don't get ahead of yourself, no one said anything about throwing in with you. Don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty damn happy where I am."
"I'm not asking you to walk away from your captain, Felix. But neither should you let fear control you. Change is not to be feared." Clyde turns to the captain now, looking at him. "I've asked you here because I need to know where Felix's loyalties lie. I need to know that when the day comes, I can count on him."
"This is a conversation between you and Felix. I'm here for him — I don't give a fuck what you want." Felix can't see the captain's face clearly out of the corner of his eye, but he can hear the disdain dripping from his words.
"Everyone on my crew proves their loyalty. No exceptions. Not even Felix." When no one says anything, and the captain just curls his lip in disgust, Clyde continues. He wants them to kill a traitor, a man who'd sold out to the Board. They're supposed to bring his ring back as proof, and have to go harass his wife on the Groundbreaker to see where he's hiding. The captain once again defers to Felix, waiting to see what he'll decide. On one hand, Clyde had been his best friend and mentor once upon a time. It would be easy to fall back into that routine and just do what he says. On the other hand, it's been years and Felix's loyal to the captain now, even if Clyde doesn't seem to quite understand that.
"I'd like to talk to Trask first, see his side of the story." Clyde almost snarls at that, but his captain just presses his hand more firmly to Felix's back, thumb brushing over his spine, and Felix knows which of the reactions matters most. There clearly isn't much more to say after that, Clyde unwilling to really talk to Felix until he's proved himself, and so the three of them head back to the Unreliable. The lookout tries to catch the captain's attention again, smoothing the front of his shirt, but doesn't even get a passing glance for his troubles. Parvati walks ahead of them, excited to tinker with whatever machine she's repairing today, but the captain stops him with a hand on his elbow as soon as they're on the ship.
"So, shall I tell ADA to set course for the Groundbreaker, then?" Felix has seen the misgivings the captain had about Clyde, but there's no hesitation in his soft voice at yet another added detour. Warm hazel eyes are looking down at him, and there's no expectation, just a quiet patience as he waits for Felix to make up his mind. And Felix does think it over, wonders if it would be better for all of them if he just let Clyde go, but he needs to see this through if he hopes for any closure so —
"Yeah, I'd appreciate it, boss. And if you've got a minute after?" Felix can hear the hesitance in his voice, and knows the captain heard it too when he gets a small smile in response.
"For you, always.” And oh the casual way the captain said that has Felix weak in the knees, and it's a conscious effort to stay focused on the conversation rather than getting lost on the meaning he wants those words to have. “Just give me ten to shower and change into something that's not twenty pounds of dirty armour. You can wait for me in my quarters if you want." Felix pretends that the words don't make his insides jump, and goes up the stairs to the captain's room. He can't help but keep thinking about how thin the captain's wrist had looked under that heavy armour when he'd reached out to touch him, and, before he can talk himself out of it, he bypasses the door leading to the captain's quarters and goes to the kitchen. He knows he'd seen a Frozen Dinner somewhere around there, and he should have enough time to heat it into something almost palatable by the time the captain finishes showering.
To Felix's dismay, the kitchen is already occupied, Ellie and Nyoka sitting at the table with mugs of something hot at their elbows. It seems like they're trading tips on how best to kill things, Ellie pointing out all the weak spots a squishy human body has, while Nyoka gestures to demonstrate quite graphically how to stab and then skin a Primal. Felix stifles a shudder at their chosen dinner table conversation. With any luck, they won't notice him.
He gets the stove started and looks for everything he needs. Maybe he can add some fresh vegetables and meat on top of the meal? Good thing the captain wants a semblance of normalcy on the ship and actually tries stocking up the cabinets regularly, otherwise Felix didn't know how the crew would survive. Most of them seemed to subsist on coffee, alcohol and cigarettes if left to their own devices, himself included. He finishes heating up the food, transferring it to an actual plate so it doesn't look as sad as it actually is, and opens the fridge to grab a drink. Maybe some Pure Water? It's refreshing and definitely healthier than the Purpleberry Juice sitting next to it. He hears the shower shut off down the hall, so he should have time to make it back to the captain's room before the man finishes his business. Felix is almost through the kitchen when Nyoka spots him, his prizes carefully balanced in his arms.
"Home-cooked dinner and room service for the captain, Felix? Didn't take you for a romantic." Both women have smirks on their faces, although Ellie's looks a bit subdued, and Felix knows the telltale heat in his cheeks means he's sporting a pretty decent blush.
"Just realized I couldn't remember the last time the boss had food that didn't come straight out of a can ‘s all." He tries to sound nonchalant, and resumes walking. It would be his luck for the captain to come out while he's just standing there in the kitchen blushing like an idiot. He can hear the two women continue talking behind him, but thankfully can't make out the words. He just hopes they wouldn't say anything to the captain as he passed through the kitchen on the way to his room.
Felix enters the room, looking for somewhere to put down the food and drinks, settling on the desk. It might be his first time in the captain's quarters, when he thinks about it, so he takes advantage of it and looks around. He can see mementos of some of their adventures in the room; Iconoclast banners, a SubLight poster, an Auntie Cleo neon sign… There's surprisingly little of the captain, his own belongings seeming rather spartan. He only sees two storage bins in the room, and they don't look like they can fit that much. Knowing him, one of them is probably full of guns, and the thought brings a small affectionate smile to Felix's face.
He's lost in thought when a noise behind him makes him jump. Guilty of being caught ogling his captain's stuff, Felix turns around with an apology on his lips that soon dies down. The captain is towelling his hair dry, and Felix is surprised by how long that blond mane is, considering it's usually thrown up in a messy braid. It reaches the bottom of the captain's rib cage, and Felix really wants to know if it's as soft as it looks. With the plain white shirt, ripped red pants and unlaced boots chosen for the occasion, it's probably the most normal he's seen the captain, and Felix realizes just how little downtime the captain has taken since he first brought Felix on board.
"Hey Felix, hope you weren't waiting too long." The captain smiles at him, and Felix can't help himself from returning the smile even as his heart skips a beat.
"Ah, no worries, boss. I, uh, made ya some food if you want, I thought you might be hungry. It's not the best but figured it's better than nothing. You don't gotta eat it though, if you don't want to!” He knows he's rambling, but his mouth refuses to agree with his brain telling him to shut up. The captain looks from Felix to the dish on his desk, and offers up one of his rare real smiles, the ones that make his dimples come out and his eyes crinkle at the corners. Felix can feel his heart thump even harder at the sight, and really hopes it doesn't show on his face.
“I knew there was a reason you're my favourite, Felix.” The captain throws the towel onto the bed and walks up to him, a hand reaching out to clasp his arm and Felix ignores how the touch makes his skin tingle. “What would I do without you?” Grabbing his plate, he hops on the edge of the table, nodding Felix towards the solitary chair set in front of it. “Have you eaten?”
“Uhh…” Felix takes the proffered seat, trying to find a way to deflect the conversation. Truth is, he hasn't, but he was planning on just grabbing a can of Saltuna and a smoke before they dock on Groundbreaker. “Not yet, boss. Don't worry about me.”
“Nonsense. There's enough here for both of us, and I've got some chocolate in my desk for dessert.” Felix opens his mouth to argue, but the captain just sneaks a leg out and hooks it under the chair, wheeling him closer until he's just inches away. Felix is sitting between the captain's legs, the man's feet resting on each side of him on the seat and brushing his thighs. Felix has to fight against the urge to get lost in his eyes as he looks up at the blond. The movement was unexpected, and his hands grip his knees, unsure of what to do with them. He doesn't dislike the situation — he'll take any occasion to be closer to the captain— but he doesn't know what's expected of him and it has him feeling off-balance. Felix is about to refuse, because this is supposed to be about the captain, he's the one who needs to eat, but the man just looks at him with puppy eyes a man pushing thirty shouldn't be able to make. When the captain says “Please,” Felix knows he's lost, but the satisfied little smile he gets in exchange makes up for it.
“So what'd you wanna talk about, Felix?” The captain stabs one of the pieces of meat with his fork and brings it to his mouth.
“I… just don't know what to make of Clyde. He was my first and best friend for a good while, so I can't say I'm not happy to hear from him again but the, uh, circumstances ain't ideal, boss. I ain't the biggest fan of being used as an executioner when I haven't seen people's guilt for myself, y'know? Especially since Clyde didn't explain why he wanted us to do any of that, not like you do, so it's just… Uncomfortable.” He lifts up a hand to rub at the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact with the man above him. The captain just hums and piles more food onto the fork, holding it. Felix moves to grab the fork, but the man just tsks and moves it out of his reach. He opens his mouth to ask what the captain wants, and blinks when he finds himself with a mouth full of mashed potatoes and meat.
“So ya wanna hear what I think about it?” Still chewing, Felix nods his head. “I reckon you did a great job when you were talking with him. Don't know if I could've kept my cool like that. Already had some trouble with how he was talkin' about you.” A frown clouds the captain's face as he presumably thinks back on the encounter, and something flutters behind Felix' ribcage at the man's protectiveness — but also willingness to still let Felix handle things as he wanted. Almost distractedly, the captain shovels more food in Felix's mouth, and Felix doesn't know what to make of the situation. His eyes wander around the room, and his hands fidget with the seams on his pants. “But anyway, what do I make of it? I don't know, Felix." His shoulders rise and fall at that, and Felix is surprised at the ready confession of uncertainty. "I'm not the one who was buddies with the man, so all I know is from that skeevy meeting. I do have some apprehensions. Especially about his timing. Why now? You're starting to be pretty established now. And murder is a mighty daring loyalty test for anyone, let alone someone you haven't seen in half a decade. Can't — and won't — tell ya what to do or think, but it's a good call to go talk to Trask first. I wonder what he'll tell us about the whole thing.”
“Thanks, boss. I guess I kind of had already told myself that, but it's reassuring to hear it from ya." The captain hums in agreement, shovelling food into his own mouth this time. "And… I did use to trust Clyde, y'know, it's just… He hasn't reached out in five years and now he only messages me because he needs something?" Felix can't keep the frustration out of his voice. "He didn't even look happy to see me! What if he just uses me and disappears again, like everyone does?" Felix hears his voice cracking, and he stares at the ground, blinking hard. His hands are clenched so tight on his knees that his knuckles hurt, and he can feel the sharp bite of his fingernails on his palms. He hadn't meant to go down this maudlin path, especially not in front of the captain. Distantly, he hears the clattering of a plate being carelessly set aside on a table and feels his chair being pushed back.
Felix isn't surprised when the warmth of the captain's legs disappears from around him, expecting him to just leave the room like people have usually done, but he is surprised when the blond drops to his knees in front of him so he can catch Felix's downturned gaze through unshed tears.
"ADA, privacy protocol please." The captain doesn't wait for an acknowledgement from the ship's AI, the only indication of the command being executed the mechanical click of the door being locked shut. Felix's breath hitches when the man in front of him reaches out for his hands, gently making him unclasp his straining fists and holding his shaking hands between his larger, calloused ones instead. The open concern and affection he sees on the boss' face makes Felix's heart skip a beat, and he knows any attempt at convincing himself he's not desperately in love with his captain is futile.
"Felix…” Said captain is gently running his thumbs over Felix's scarred knuckles, and the repetitive motion calms his shaking hands somewhat. “I'm so, so sorry you've had to grow in a world that's tried its best to tear you down. It's unfair that the people who should've been there for you haven't been. You deserve the absolute best and I'll always do all I can to give you that, as long as I'm around. I want you to be happy.” The captain raises one of Felix's hands to his lips and presses a tender kiss to his palm, over the raw pink indentations left by his fingernails. Felix is surprised his heart hasn't beaten out of his chest yet, an entire deluge of feelings going through him at the kindness with which he's being treated.
It makes his heart break even more when he knows he has to pull his hands away, make the captain stop treating him so well, because he knows that what he wants from the captain and what the captain is willing to give him are two very different things. So Felix takes a deep breath and dislodges his hands from his, instead bringing them up to rub his face and try to force his tears away. He's determinedly avoiding the captain's gaze, even as he feels the weight of the man's eyes on him.
The captain doesn't reach back for him, instead sitting back on his heels and wringing his hands together. A small noise from him, a cross between a sigh and a whimper, has Felix's eyes snapping to the man of their own volition. Sad hazel eyes are searching his face, and the captain's brows are furrowed in a small, upset frown. Felix forces himself to look away from those eyes, because the raw concern he sees there is too much.
“I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, Felix. Please… Tell me what I did wrong.”
“No, it's not you, boss. It could never be you.” Felix hears a dry chuckle come out of him and barely recognizes his own voice. “It's just that… I'm too greedy to have you be this nice to me like this.” He angrily rubs the heel of his hand against his eyes, wiping tears that are threatening to flow again, pressing into his eye sockets until he can only see static. He's angry at himself, for… many things. For letting himself enjoy that moment of closeness with the boss, for upsetting the man by being too weak to ignore his heart. For falling in love with his captain.
“What do you… mean?” There's more uncertainty in the captain's voice than Felix has ever heard from him, and there's a hand reaching out to him before it's dropped back into the captain's lap.
“You're just bein' nice to me, boss, and I—” His voice cracks, and he tries to ignore his shaking hands as he clears his throat to start again. “I keep wanting more.” Felix hears a surprised sound coming from the man kneeling at his feet, and risks a quick glance at him. He expected many emotions on the captain's face — anger at his presumption, disgust at his interest, pity at his feelings; all reactions he's familiar with and prepared for — but what he never would've expected is a faint glimmer of hope.
“Felix… Tell me what you want. Please.” Felix wearily watches as the captain slowly gets up, eyes never leaving Felix's face, who balks at the intensity in the blond's gaze, feels like he could get lost in everything he sees just under the surface. Felix doesn't want to answer, knows he shouldn't answer, but he's this far along and the captain's still in front of him.
“I— anything with you. Everything with you.” Felix can feel himself trying to shrink away from him, because he's ruined it, surely he's a liability now, he should—
“Felix.” He'd always loved the way his name sounded in the captain's mouth, but right now he can't bring himself to lift up his eyes to him. “Sweetheart. Look at me.” The endearment has him snapping his head up, and the captain has that shy little smile again, the one that makes Felix soft inside. The man carefully takes a step closer, then another, moving as if Felix is a wild animal ready to bolt and — he does feel skittish, feels wild with his heart in his throat and his hope on his sleeve. The captain stops when he's standing between his knees, and calloused hands reach up to cup his face.
“You have it, sweetheart. You have me.”
It feels like the ship dropped away from under his feet — it's so unexpected and he's thrown off-kilter. The captain looks at him like he's made of gold, and the man's hands are still on his face, and Felix wants to say something to make the moment lighter, to let himself breathe again, but nothing comes out. With a shuddering breath, he reaches up and loosely grasps the captain's wrists, needing to hold on to something physical, to make sure that this is all real. The captain's smile widens just a little bit, and his thumb moves to brush away a stray tear from his cheek.
“You're the one setting the pace, Felix. Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me if you want me to stop anything I'm doing. It's all okay.” The words have him nuzzling closer into warm hands, eyes fluttering shut, but he can't help himself, he has to ask—
“Why?” His voice doesn't crack, and that shouldn't make him as proud as it does.
“Because I want you to feel comfortable, sweetheart. I don't want you to rush into anything you're not fully on board with because you think I want it.” Felix wants to disagree with the captain, point out he's an adult, tell him that he can refuse him if he'd rather, but he knows that right now, when he's this raw, he'd do anything just to keep the captain looking at him like he's the answer to prayers he didn't even know he had.
Felix stands up from his chair and just reaches out to the captain, arms wrapping around his torso and holding him close. He tucks his face under the captain's chin, and he's trying to focus on how to breathe properly. Felix feels the man's arms come up around him, one of his hands carding through short hair and cradling the back of his head while the other wraps around his shoulders. The captain smells clean, and sweet, like Mock Apples or something. Even his wildest dreams hadn't included the captain holding him so tenderly, whispering sweet nothings into his hair. Whenever he let himself hope that anything could happen between them, it would just be one of the quick trysts he got used to on the Groundbreaker, the type where neither party wanted to be around the morning after.
“It's alright, sweetheart, I got you. It's okay.” Felix can feel the captain pressing a kiss to the side of his head, and tightens his arms. He feels the adrenaline and emotions of the past moments drain out of him and he's just exhausted. The fingers gently playing with the hair at the nape of his neck are soothing, and Felix muffles a yawn into the captain's collarbone. He feels more than hears his chuckle, and he turns his head to press a kiss to his temple. “Let's get you to bed, Felix.”
Felix doesn't really want to move, especially since it means lifting his head up from the captain's shoulder and making eye contact, but he recognizes the wisdom in his statement nonetheless. Felix grudgingly lets his arms drop away from the man and steps back a bit, stretching in the process. The captain lets his hand fall from Felix's head to rest against his chest, and Felix chances a look at the man's face. The captain's just looking at him with warm hazel eyes that make Felix want to believe there's still good out here in Halcyon and Laws what wouldn't Felix do to keep that smile there. He's starting to turn towards the door when a tentative hand around his halts his movements.
“D'you wanna sleep here? I can do paperwork at the desk or go down to the cargo bay to work on some guns, if you want.” Sol — and Felix isn't sure when the captain had become Sol in his head — tightens his hand around Felix's before letting go, and Felix knows he can say no, knows Sol would still — inexplicably — be waiting for him in the morning if he left this room right now, and that's what makes it easy to decide.
“Can you… stay with me?” The question comes out hesitant, but at least he gets it out. Felix's still not really used to asking for things, much less used to people actually granting him his requests, but he manages to quiet the part of his brain that's telling him he's pushing his luck with the captain.
“Of course, sweetheart.” Sol throws him a quick smile before turning around towards his desk, presumably to do the paperwork he'd mentioned, but Felix's hand reaches out for his wrist before his brain can convince him otherwise. Felix just pulls Sol towards the bed with him, wanting to keep him close as long as possible. Sol's only acknowledgment is to shift his arm so that he's holding Felix's hand instead, intertwining their fingers the way Felix had craved for when they were getting those drinks.
Sol steps around Felix towards the bed, still holding hands, and snatches the damp towel away before throwing it haphazardly in the direction of his desk. It flutters to the ground before even making it close, but he ignores it, casually toeing off his boots when he reaches the edge of the bed. Felix goes to mimic him, gently untangling his fingers from Sol's and letting his hand drop so he can bend down to untie his clunky boots. Sol turns to help but Felix just waves him onto the bed — he wants to do this himself, to ground himself a bit with the routine gestures. Out of the corner of his eye, Felix sees Sol plop at the edge of the bed and tuck his feet under him, looking up at him. Once Felix is done with his boots, after what feels like a short eternity, he sheds the outer layers of his outfit until he's left standing in his soft green undershirt and the long johns he's taken to wearing under his armour. He feels vulnerable, oddly self-conscious; he knows he's not that much to look at, just scrawny muscle but Sol's pupils are so blown that the hazel of his irises is barely visible and oh. Felix is definitely too tired, too emotional right now to do more than take note of that, but take note he does, before he gingerly steps closer to the bed.
“How do you want me, Felix?” He raises his shoulders at that, a wry grin on his face. Felix had never thought this far ahead, never imagined that Sol would stay around to cuddle, so he's not sure what to tell him. At his lack of answer, Sol just shifts so he's propped up on his elbow, laying on his side right next to the wall. The bed wasn't made for two people, but both of them are on the lean side, so there's enough space for Felix to lay down on his back next to the captain, staring up at the top of the bunk. There's still a few inches between them, and suddenly realizes that he's fresh out of his gear, dusty and sweaty in his bed while Sol's freshly clean, but the fact doesn't seem to bother the other man.
“I'd like to get closer to you. Is that alright, sweetheart?” Sol's voice is soft, tender in a way he's only heard in those cheesy serials, and Felix nods even as his heart jumps to his throat. At his agreement, Sol shifts closer, grabbing and raising Felix's arm so they can be even closer and so he settle his head on Felix's chest. Sol carefully brings down Felix's arm around him, so he's cradling the captain's back, and lays a hand on his chest, right over his heart. The position is more intimate than Felix had expected, but it also just feels right. “Is this okay?”
“‘S better than okay, boss,” Felix manages to mumble to the top of a head of blond hair.
“Alright. Sleep well, sweetheart.” Sol lifts his head to press a quick kiss to his jaw before settling back down. “I'll be here when you wake up.”
Felix's worry that he would be too keyed up to fall asleep are soon dispelled, as he drifts off to sleep quicker than he's ever done.