Archive of Our Own ^beta

It always seems more quiet in the dark

It always feels so stark

How silence grows under the moon

Constellations gone so soon

Michael’s joints popped and cracked as he shifted in his seat. Even that simple movement sent pangs of pain ricocheting throughout his entire being, and he gritted his teeth through the discomfort, trying to stay above the surface in a tidal wave of agony.

That was how it had been for a while now. It was getting worse, that much he knew. The threat of his very insides consuming him had become more and more of an issue with each passing day. It wouldn’t be long until his own body closed in on him like a bear trap to an unsuspecting wolf’s ankle, destroying what he once was and turning him into what They wanted him to be. 

He would fight it for as long as possible. 

Except fighting was a lot easier said than done. On most days he was exhausted, run ragged to the point of near-collapse, thrown through the meat grinder three times over and then dragged across razor-edged gravel just for good measure. He could feel the atoms of his very soul withering away into nothingness. Soon, there wouldn’t be anything left of Michael Afton.

I used to think that I was bold

I used to think love would be fun

Now all my stories have been told

Except for one

A noise then alerted him, making it through the everlasting buzzing and screeching in his ears. He didn’t hesitate to heed the call of the sound; he dredged his worn-down body out of the chair and lumbered through his darkened apartment complex. It was a maze at night, despite its small size, but he had come to memorize it quite well.

In the corner of his bedroom stood a crib. Within it laid a child so small and so delicate and so pure that there was no way it could have been his own.

And yet, she was.

He had gotten with the child’s mother, some old high school crush, in a moment of weakness. He wasn’t thinking rationally at the moment of their meetup. All he wanted was to feel again, feel something other than the pain, as he had felt enough pain for one lifetime at that point. So, he tried a different approach to things. He rubbed his skin with a girl he barely knew because he was so fucking desperate to get away from everything that was going on. At the time, he hadn’t even considered the possibility of a child coming out of it.

He didn’t know of his daughter’s existence until his consort showed up on his doorstep, fuming. She thrusted the tiny bundle into his arms and then left without many words. All communication was cut between the two; he hadn’t heard from her since.

His daughter looked nothing like her mother. She didn’t look anything like him, either. Instead, she looked like her aunt. Elizabeth. 

Michael saw so much of his little sister in his daughter, from her golden blonde hair, to her emerald green eyes. He almost named her after his sister, but it was too painful to do so. Instead, he made Elizabeth her middle name. He settled for something else as her first name.

  “Hey, Vanny Bear,” Michael said softly, reaching into the crib and lifting up the baby. “How’s my little superstar doing?”

He wasn’t too sure where the name Vanessa came from, he just knew it fit. Though, he spent more time calling her nicknames than using her actual name. So far, he found that he liked Vanny the best.

Vanessa looked up at him with her bright green eyes and gave a wide-mouthed grin. She was probably the only person in the entire world who still looked happy to see him anymore, and though it was quite pathetic to get most of your joy from a literal baby, he appreciated it more than he could begin to say. Not that she would understand him.

  “We’re doing good?” Michael said as he exited the bedroom, bouncing Vanessa in his arms as he went. “Then why were you squealing, hm?”

Vanessa answered in a coo. With the added light from the TV, the constellation of freckles across her face was revealed. They were the one thing she seemed to get from her mother’s side.

  “Oh, I see,” Michael said. “You just missed Dada, didn’t you? You wanted to be with me, right?”

  “Dada,” Vanessa repeated.

Despite everything, despite the pain and the stress and the constant dread, Michael smiled.

  “That’s right,” Michael said. “I’m your Dada.” 

As the stars start to align

I hope you take it as a sign

That you'll be okay

Everything will be okay

For a long moment, Michael simply stood in the middle of his home, holding his child to his chest. He wondered if Vanessa could feel the way he began to tremble harder and harder, like his skeleton was trying to rattle right out of his body. He wondered if she could sense the fear rushing through his veins. He wondered if she knew what a monster her father was.

He wondered if she would ever understand that he never wanted to do what he did next.

In a blur of movement faster than he had gone in quite a long time, Michael began darting all around the flat. He grabbed an extra blanket that he wrapped Vanessa in, her favorite stuffed animal, a piece of paper with her name on it, his keys, and then headed out of the apartment. 

Outside, the stormy night skies reflected the darkness of his mind. 

And if the seven rings collapse

Although the day could be my last

You will be okay

When I'm gone you'll be okay

Never in a million years did Michael want to abandon his child. He wanted nothing more than to raise Vanessa as his own, to be a better father than his had been to him and his siblings. But it was also his father who weighed so heavily on his mind, a knife’s point dug so deeply into his brain, syphoning out everything that might be good and replacing them with all things horrible.

He didn’t want to turn out like Him.

Above all else, it was what he feared the most.

Already he had hurt his younger brother. His little sister was lost to a metal coffin for all eternity. Even his mother was gone. He didn’t want his baby girl to be next. And he didn’t think he could trust himself enough to keep her safe.

It was better this way. He knew it was better this way. But still, it hurt. This hurt worse than any torture, any mutilation, any death his father or those fucked up animatronics could ever bring upon him. And although he deserved it, for once he wished for it to just end.

For the longest time, after stopping in front of a fire station, Michael simply sat in his car, staring blankly out of the rain-smeared windshield. His expression was neutral, but the way his breath would hitch and the shaking of his shoulders showed that his attempts at calming himself weren’t working. Blissfully oblivious to this all, Vanessa laid in her bundle of blankets in the passenger seat, gnawing on the ear of a stuffed rabbit.

She would be put with a good family. She would be taken care of. It would be alright.

Outside, it was cold, wet, and terribly grey. Vanessa’s happy mood dropped in an instant and she whimpered at the freezing air on her rosy cheeks. Michael did his best to cover her up more as he stepped through puddles to get to the front of the fire station.

  “Shh, shh,” Michael hushed when Vanessa began to squirm and whine. “It’s alright. Daddy’s here. Daddy’s got you.”

  “Dada,” Vanessa babbled. 

Tears brimmed at the corners of Michael’s eyes like hot needles. He blinked and they cascaded down his cheeks in molten trails, quivering just on the edge of his jaw before splattering onto the face of his daughter. Vanessa made a tiny noise in reaction and looked up at him with those big eyes of hers, so helpless, so innocent, so trusting.

Michael didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t deserve her.

Kneeling, Michael held Vanessa close to him one last time, relishing the feeling of his daughter in his arms before he left her forever. The tears flowed faster as he leaned her back, getting a good look at her. Then, he managed a weak smile and kissed the top of her head.

  “Daddy loves you, Vanessa,” Michael said to her as he set her down. “I will always love you.”

  “Dada,” Vanessa said.

Michael got up, turned around, and went back to his car. 

  “Dada?”

He didn’t go back, even when Vanessa’s crying began to fill the air. He wanted so badly, but he couldn’t.

Things were better this way.

And when creation goes to die

You can find me in the sky

Upon the last day… 

  “You will be okay.”