Chapter Text
It’s been two days.
Eddie has finished the paperwork, he’s received the official confirmation from dispatch that he can start immediately and since he still has a few days of leave that he’s supposed to take, there isn’t even a last day to make it more awkward.
Bobby has put him up for a temporary leave, giving him an out if he should change his mind within the next six months, which Eddie almost refused. He only signed it because – he doesn’t actually know why he did it. Nothing will change in six months, the job will be no less dangerous in half a year from now, and even though the current position at dispatch is just a replacement for someone in maternity leave, he has already been told that he doesn’t need to worry. If he does his job well, he’ll be able to stay.
It’s been two days since Eddie made his announcement at the Christmas party and everything’s happening so fast, he barely has time for regrets.
And he doesn’t regret it. Not really, not when this is the best way to keep Christopher safe and protected. That’s all that matters, even if Christopher himself is less than thrilled about his dad quitting the job and even if Buck has that look of betrayal and heartbreak on his face that Eddie hasn’t seen since those days when he decided to file a lawsuit against the city of Los Angeles.
It breaks Eddie’s heart, too; it’s not a decision he made lightly, after all, and surely they understand.
It’s been two days and he hasn’t exchanged more than ten sentences with Buck.
And now he’s standing in the locker room, a duffel bag on the floor, stuffing away the little belongings of his that have assembled over the years. It’s not much, anyway. Eddie has always been a neat freak, someone who would never keep empty deodorant bottles around or a shirt that should have been washed weeks ago. Now that he thinks about it, he wonders why he and Buck ever shared a locker in the first place, and how he managed to live with Buck’s messy side of the locker for all this time. He doesn’t remember when they started to share, probably sometime around his second year when a whole new bunch of recruits joined the team and space was limited. Hen and Chim shared for a while, too, but took the first opportunity to get back to their own lockers as soon as they were available and, well, Chimney is currently absent so maybe it doesn’t matter anyway.
He and Buck never went back to separate lockers.
Eddie drops a towel and a pair of socks into the bag, then a half-empty tube of gel and a travelling toothbrush kit. His gaze gets caught on the photo on the inside of the door and his heart skips a beat right there.
He places a finger onto Christopher’s face, traces the curve of his wide smile before his finger comes to hover over the spot where Buck has his arm around Christopher’s shoulder. On Christopher’s other side, Eddie leans into his son, one arm stretched out to get a wide angle for the selfie.
Eddie doesn’t remember who hung up the photo in the first place.
“Take it.”
He startles when Buck suddenly appears behind him.
“I’d rather leave it here,” Eddie says and carefully closes the locker door as if he expects Buck to tear the photo from it and smash it into Eddie’s face. “It’s yours, too, and maybe it can remind you that –“
“That I lost someone else, again?”
Buck spits the words out like venom, and something cold slithers down Eddie’s back.
“You didn’t lose me. You won’t lose me, or us. I told you that.”
“Then tell me, how often do you still talk to your army buddies?”
“It’s not the same.”
Buck just huffs and Eddie suddenly wants to punch someone. It’s better than crying, after all, and he can already feel his eyes starting to sting.
It’s all so messed up. He thought that Buck of all people would understand; Buck, who loves Christopher so much, would certainly understand that Eddie has to do everything in his power to protect him. To make him feel safe.
“You know I have to do this,” he says and tries to keep his voice calm and steady. “And Buck, I promise you that we won’t lose each other. You can still come over anytime you want, we’ll take Chris to the aquarium and visit –“
“That’s not how it works and you know it,” Buck interrupts him. “We’ll end up on totally different schedules, and Chris is getting more classes now that he’s older, and at first we’ll see each other every weekend, then things start to come up, and then it’s one day every other month and before you know it, there’s five messages a year – birthday, Christmas, one drunk text in which one of us says we should totally grab a beer as soon as possible.”
Eddie shakes his head and clenches his fists. He doesn’t know if he wants to pull Buck close and never let go, or punch some sense into him. It’s not going to be like that.
“We’re still family,” he chokes out, and there’s a lot in these three words that he cannot really say.
He can’t tell Buck that the pure thought of leaving him behind is breaking his heart. He can’t admit that he hates the idea that he won’t have his back when he’s out on a call. He can’t say that everything Buck fears, he fears too, because of course he knows how often friendships change over time and Eddie hasn’t spoken to his comrades in years and he hasn’t even attended his High school reunion and even though he’s one hundred percent sure that what he and Buck have is different and that he’ll fight to keep it, he knows that it might not be enough.
“Families talk about this kind of stuff,” Buck replies quietly. When Eddie looks back at him, he doesn’t meet his eye. “Not my family of course. But this one –“ he waves his hand dismissively at their surroundings, “- this family does. Should. They should talk. Yet you never even considered discussing it with anyone.”
“There was nothing to discuss.”
“You didn’t even talk to Christopher.”
“Because there was nothing to talk about, Buck! He wants me to be safe, he needs to be sure that I won’t leave him, so what other option was there but to quit? I’m all he has left so I better make sure not to die on him.”
He knows, the instant the words leave his mouth, that he shouldn’t have said it. Buck’s face turns white as a sheet and he staggers backwards a little until his back is pressed against the glass wall of the room. And Eddie hates himself for what he said; he knows better than to even remotely remind Buck or himself of all those close encounters that they had with Death over the years. It comes with the job description, which is exactly why Eddie needs to leave while he can.
“Do you really think Christopher is the only one who can’t lose you?” There’s an edge to Buck’s voice, it’s raw and vulnerable and bleeding, and Eddie asks himself desperately how in God’s name he can ever fix all of this mess without anyone getting hurt. “Because I was there, Eddie. I was there every damn time and I really, really want you to be safe because I couldn’t watch you get hurt one more time. But I can’t keep you safe if you’re not here.”
“It’s not your job to keep me safe.”
“It’s what families do. They have each others’ backs. And now you’re walking away from your family and didn’t even consider what that could do to us. You do what you think is right and don’t give a single thought to what it means for us.”
Faintly, Eddie can hear similar words ringing in the back of his head. He looks at Buck and sees Shannon. It’s enough to make his blood run cold; it was so long ago and still feels like yesterday. He balls his hands to fists and clenches his jaw.
But this isn’t about him. It’s different. It’s the right choice. Buck should be supportive, not angry, because this is about Christopher.
“You’re right, I didn’t consider it. Because it doesn’t matter. I have a responsibility for my son.”
“I understand –“
“You don’t. He’s not your kid.”
The words just slipped out and he can’t take them back, and so Eddie can only watch helplessly as Buck visibly shatters. He makes a small step forward, towards Buck, but stops dead in his tracks when he sees the anger and hurt in the other man’s eyes.
“Buck –“
“Don’t. Don’t say it. Don’t – I can’t, I can’t – don’t look at me,” Buck stutters, each words dripping with fury and despair and something else that Eddie can’t quite put his finger on.
And then Buck storms out, slamming the door behind him, and Eddie finds himself slumped on the bench, the bag dropped at his feet, and buries his face in his hands.