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Chuuya was this close to murdering someone. Or possibly multiple someones. He gritted his teeth in an attempt to pull together some semblance of patience, which apparently he needed a lot more practice with because it. Was. Not. Working.
Next to him, Dazai, the bastard, was chattering away. Loudly. Chuuya didn't even bother to try and puzzle out what he was talking about. Apparently he should have, though, because suddenly Dazai was focusing his attention on him.
"-Chuuya. Chuuuuuya. Chibi. Chuuya!"
Chuuya sighed heavily, internally cursing every god he knew of, and turned his head towards Dazai. The idiot wasn't even supposed to be here, but Chuuya knew better than to try and pry secrets out of him. He'd tried before, when they were teenagers. If he didn't want to share, it was impossible.
"Chuuya!"
Said person groaned, knowing the asshole well enough to know that if he didn't respond, Dazai would bother him until he did.
"CHIBIIII!"
"What," Chuuya finally snapped, "do you want?"
Dazai grinned infuriatingly, completely unphased. "Oh, chibi finally answered! I thought maybe he couldn't hear me from down there- aww, did you forget our truce? No trying to murder each other, remember?" He scooted away from Chuuya dramatically, looking away from him with a loud huff.
Never had Chuuya regretted saying yes to something more than he was right now.
Chuuya lowered his arm and gave up, slumping against the wall. The wall of the elevator, he corrected himself. That's right, he was stuck in an elevator. With fucking Dazai. Forget murdering someone else, Chuuya thought silently, slumping even lower. I should just end myself. Free myself of this utter misery.
Dazai picked that exact moment to look over at him, and Chuuya groaned again, knowing what was coming.
"Huh? Why is chibi trying to make himself look shorter-"
"Don't say it."
Dazai looked way too giddy. Chuuya needed to punch him, and soon, for the sake of his own mental sanity.
"-than he already is?" Dazai finished, cackling as Chuuya fought desperately against his urge to just kill him on the spot.
This must have been why Dazai came up with this truce, Chuuya thought despairingly, it's so he can watch me try not to murder his stupid face.
As if to confirm his suspicions, Dazai looked incredibly amused. "What's the problem, little hatrack? Your face is all scrunched up and if you keep it like that chibi's face is going to be even more ugly," he sang.
Chuuya caved a little and shoved him.
"Like you can talk, bandage-waster," he scoffed, sliding down to sit on the floor of the elevator. Dazai sat down next to him.
After about ten seconds of blissful silence, Dazai opened his mouth again.
"This is so booooring," he said, drawing out the 'o'. "We should play a game,"
"No."
"Aww, then we should talk about something! Oh wait, did I update you on the Atsushi-Akutugawa situation?"
Chuuya raised an eyebrow at him, because okay, fine, maybe he was slightly interested.
"Haha, so apparently Atsushi woke up the other day and there was this black and white kitten outside his door in a box with his name on it. Super cute," he paused, pulling up a picture to show Chuuya, who had to admit that the little cat was pretty cute. "But since the poor boy is so oblivious, he texts me all 'what should I do, maybe it's a stray, how do you think it got here?'"
"Didn't you say his name was on the box?" Chuuya asked, forgetting that he was supposed to be annoyed. Whatever, he was too invested to go back now.
Dazai gave him a victorious smile that he pointedly ignored.
"Yes, but Atsushi is an idiot. I asked him the same question, though. He ended up somewhat keeping it, obviously, because everyone knows how much Atsushi loves cats. Also, now all I get from him are cat pictures. Sleeping, eating, everything, and it’s great but…" he trailed off.
Chuuya fought to keep the smile off of his face so he wouldn't give Dazai the satisfaction, even though he knew he would notice, because Osamu Dazai never missed anything. Dazai’s triumphant expression told him that his assumptions were correct.
Leaning in slightly, Dazai lowered his voice to a dramatic whisper, like the damn gossiper he was. "But that's not even the best part. Guess what he named it."
"What?" Chuuya asked, impatiently.
"He named it," Dazai paused theatrically. And then yelped as Chuuya hit him.
"Alright, alright! No need to be so meeeean, chibi. He named it Aku. 'Because its fur is black and white like Akutagawa’s hair,' he claimed. Isn't that hilarious?" Not waiting for Chuuya's reply, he laughed.
Chuuya gave up all pretenses of indifference at that moment and cracked up, not noticing Dazai's accomplished look at having made him laugh.
He never did, because at that moment the elevator started moving again (finally!) and they were free.
Chuuya immediately went to go find Kouyou to update her, because Akutagawa was not going to live this one down.