Archive of Our Own ^beta

To my dearest Atokari-dono, 

How have you been faring? Things have been growing rather restless here, so I apologize for the rather late replies as of late. Please do not worry about me, my friend. All is well here.

On another note, I come bearing good news!

I am now one step closer to achieving my dream! Admittedly, I feel terrified rather than excited. I know that it is foolish to be unsure of myself after all that I have done to fulfill my wishes, but… I still wonder if I truly am good enough. There are times when I wished that you were here with me, so I may embrace you.

Have you ever experienced the same feeling?

Your friend, 

颯馬

—————

Adonis finds that Japan is far more overwhelming than he expects.

Flashing lights, large crowds, complicated train systems… so on and so forth. It’s fortunate that his language proficiency had improved to the point that he was confident in reading signs and conversing with strangers. Still, in a foreign land, even the most assured would falter. What more with Adonis who was more jittery than proud?

He shakes his head, hoping that the feeling goes away.

It doesn’t.

What he’s left with is a terrible helplessness—if he couldn’t find his way to his destination, then wouldn’t that just solidify how hopeless he really was? Adonis tries not to dwell on it. Independence was necessary for survival, even if that meant having to stand alone on his two feet. It doesn’t help that he had not yet grown acquainted with the area. It doesn’t help that there’s no one he can turn to for help or guidance. It doesn’t help how his first instinct is to look to someone for assistance rather than to solve a problem himself.

In other words, Adonis hoped for a miracle to happen.

If he couldn’t even find his way to a simple livehouse (one that was underground… Did that mean he had to find a way to go beneath the surface? The idea bewildered him, but it made sense for Sakuma-san to be so fond of it.), then how else would he be able to find his penpal?

Right. His penpal.

Sent on a journey, Adonis was never one to give his half-best. For his voice to be reached by all, he would have to start from somewhere. Conveniently, taken in by a reliable senior had been the first step to an even greater leap. Rei Sakuma was an enigmatic man—being around him would surely teach him how to properly stand on stage as a performer. Being around a living legend like him should excite him. 

But, he finds that the prospect of finally meeting his elusive penpal is the match that lights a fire under his feet. If he sang his heart out, would his friend see him? Would his friend still accept him as he bore his heart and soul on stage for all to see? Hypotheticals were always fun to indulge in, but he knew better not to grow too deluded. Still, a little bit of hope could go a long way.

Penpal status: MIA. 

Possible leads? None.

Pop quiz! Which was a more difficult mission to accomplish? Finding your estranged penpal or becoming a singer whose voice could bring comfort to all those who listened?

Adonis didn’t know. He really didn’t know. 

He could barely read the strokes of his pen name, ignorance blurring the symbol until all he could associate with his friend was the feeling of happiness that came with receiving their letters. Adonis could only hope that he could find his way to them, so he could thank them properly. After all, no one can forget their first taste of happiness, right? 

Stopping in the middle of a busy street, all Adonis could do is stare at the signs right in front of him. He wouldn’t be late—he wouldn’t dare to be. But, the sands of an hourglass grow more and more scarce, the longer he stands dumbly on the sidewalk. 

Adonis squeezes his eyes shut. Of all days, did it have to be this one? His misfortune could have thwarted him the day after, but as fate would have it, the three weavers wanted him to experience hardship. (Adonis tries not to think about how he has three sisters, and how it’s a glaring coincidence.) 

Any saving grace would be a lifesaver. Any glimpse of a blessing could be his dove wielding an olive branch. Alas, none of that comes. Not even when Adonis finds himself at a loss for words. 

His miracle comes in the form of a soft tap to the shoulder.

“Excuse me, do you need assistance?” When Adonis turns around he sees a boy with extremely clear eyes. It reminded him of looking at the moon in a starless sky, bright and magnetizing. What he sees next is perfectly combed hair brought into a neat ponytail—not a strand out of place, even with the breeze that blows between them. What comes after is the realization that they were in the same uniform. Lady Luck was on his side. He could only pray that she was not as fickle as his sisters.

Adonis offers a nod. Stiff.

“I would be happy to help.” The stranger smiles kindly. “Is there some place you need to be?”

“There is.” Adonis shows him the slip of paper, a receipt that had an address scrawled in messy script. “Do you happen to know where the Underground Livehouse is located?”

“I do! In fact, I’m on my way there.” The relief that floods Adonis’s system goes unnoticed as he stares transfixed at this stranger’s smile. “Let’s go together!”

A quick exchange of names does little to calm the jitters that overtake him. Surely, his excitement couldn’t be any more obvious—it must have been a sight to see him trying (in vain) to keep his eyes from wandering to his new friend’s sword. Surely, it was authentic? No one in their right mind would walk around with a fake sword… right? That’s what Adonis was led to believe, anyway. What with his sisters threatening to send sword-bearing warriors to his room should he ignore them. What ferocious ladies.

It’s hard not to stare at Souma. It’s even harder to resist the urge to ask for his autograph—after all, he had to commemorate this memory in a tangible way. Somehow. In good faith, Souma indulges him. Adonis can only thank whatever Gods are out there for lending him Polaris for a few short hours.

Adonis pauses, a sense of nostalgia washing over him. Would his penpal react the same way? A sense of being accepted was natural, but belonging would be a concept that would have to come after years of polishing himself to someone worth loving—or so he tells himself. The opinions of others stung, yet Adonis feels himself growing anxious over his elusive friend. 

Million dollar question: would his penpal even recognize him?

Before his mind could spiral to the worst of the worst case scenarios, the world comes to a halt. 

“Here!” A single board pushed into his hand brings him out of his head. An even brighter smile is enough for his heart to leap out of his chest. Strong and firm strokes stare back at him, an aching familiarity coating them. “Ah… as expected, my signature does not give off the impression of an ‘idol’. No matter, I shall do my best from henceforth!”

“Your handwriting is beautiful.” Adonis blurts out. “Idol or not, you are the first person to welcome me so kindly on foreign land.” 

This person—Souma, as he learns—stares at him in shock. 

“Truly? Ah, er, how shall I… this is the first time someone has ever asked me for my autograph, so I am unsure if it is up to standard.” Souma babbles, cheeks a pleasant pink. Similarly, Adonis feels rather embarrassed for acting so shamelessly at their very first meeting. He only hopes that he could somehow rectify it. “But, I am glad. I’ll be sure to perfect my strokes. By the time I find myself satisfied, I shall give you another card.”

Adonis nods, feeling himself smile a little. “I would enjoy that greatly. I would be happy if we stayed friendly until then, Kanzaki.”

Souma’s grin is wide with mischief and glee. “I would be happy too! Is it not the purpose of schoolmates to be friendly with one another?”

Adonis knew that his journey to become an idol would be one of the most challenging experiences in his whole life. But, to have someone alongside you—not as a teacher or guide, but as an equal? An equal that approached you first, offered to befriend you despite the glaring fact that you were tall and brooding in all the wrong ways? 

The strange warmth that pervades his chest returns. This time, he hopes that it will make its home there.

—————

To my friend,

I hope that you have been well. I noticed that your replies have been taking far longer than usual — I can’t help but be worried. Know that the distance between us doesn’t matter to me. If I could, I wlou would help you.

I understand if you would like to keep your trbou troubles to yourself. But, don’t hesitate to ask for help. I will try my best.

When I am there, let us watch the turtles together. 

Sincerely,

Atokari

—————

Souma held his pen in a special way.

Why he chose to fixate on such an insignificant fact is beyond him, but all Adonis knows for sure is that this type of behavior is par for the course if Souma was involved. 

Silence bewildered him, in a way that most things didn’t. Part of him is thankful for the empty space that fills an emptier classroom, but it’s hard to be accustomed to the stillness it brings. He finds himself nostalgic, missing the sound of his sisters arguing in the background, or the song of an ocarina echoing in his room. 

But, being with Souma is peaceful. And, Adonis knows just how difficult it is to find that.

He thinks this is what friendship should be. Coexisting comfortably together. 

A single “Adonis-dono,” is able to pull him out of his stupor, any further and his thoughts would have led him elsewhere. It pricks him more than is necessary, how even he’s victim to the beat and drum of the unpredictability of his thoughts. Oh well. He wasn’t a special case, in any way. 

“Adonis-dono, are you preoccupied?” There’s a wrinkle in Souma’s brow that only comes out when he’s truly troubled. His first instinct is to smooth his hand over it, but the repeated impulse to press his lips instead is thoroughly buried. “Actually, nevermind, I can figure this out myself…”

“What is it?” Adonis says, as he pushes his textbook aside. 

Souma shakes his head. “I would not want to impose…”

Adonis mirrors the motion, “No, no. I want to help. You’re my friend, Kanzaki. You could never bother me.” 

Souma pauses. The wrinkle is gone from his sight, but only because his friend lowers his head. Adonis thinks he can see a hint of pink spreading from his ears to his neck, but that can easily be mistaken as a trick of the light. A delusion of the mind, in other words.

“You could never trouble me too.” Souma replies. Adonis parts his lips in surprise, his pen slipping from a slackened grasp. Earnest remarks came easy to his classmate, but being in the receiving end still made him feel lightheaded. It made him happy. “But, anyway, if you insist that I would not be disturbing you in any way,”

Clever hands shuffle through the pages of his textbook, angling it sideways so that they could both look. Souma inches closer, naturally Adonis follows. He leans in, watching a slender finger trace over a line of equations. His mind tells him to listen to whatever Souma was saying. 

Adonis tries, he really does. 

He also knows that he should be listening with his ears rather than his eyes, but having his face so close to Souma’s… well, anyone would be mesmerized. Souma’s lips look soft, even when a hint of tongue swipes against his bottom lip. As always, his long hair is tied into an orderly ponytail. What sets apart his appearance from any other day is that a stray petal had found its home on the top of his head.

It was a miracle that none of their documents had flown away. In exchange, all of his self-control is quickly discarded in lieu of impulse—as if it was a cloth easily blown away by the winds. Souma’s eyes widen as Adonis realizes what he was doing. When he snaps out of the spring stupor, he learns that the stray petal is now in between his fingers. 

“Thank you, Adonis-dono.” Souma says, graciously. He looks sheepish, embarrassed even. Adonis could only begin to imagine why. “I had not even realized!”

Adonis nods, “No problem. The flowers in Yumenosaki have always been beautiful, but I never once expected them to be this vivid in full bloom.” He looks out the window, watching the rest of the students file in and out of campus. If the weather this week would remain agreeable, then training with the rest of the Track team would surely be enjoyable.

“I agree.” Souma nods, following his gaze out the window. “Adonis-dono, if you are free this weekend, there is a path near where I live that has a canopy of blossoms. It is very peaceful there! I found it by chance once, and I wish to show it to you.”

“I would love to, Kanzaki.” Adonis replies, barely missing a beat. “There are many places that I want to see and explore in the world, but I have barely been to all the sights of Japan.” He returns his gaze to Souma, catching his eye. He smiles a bit, “So, I would be happy to go anywhere you like.”

Souma grins back, “So, you would allow me to show you to my most favorite spots? You would trust that privilege to me?”

Adonis nods. “Did I not just say that?” He grins.

Souma laughs, “My friend, hearing that request from you sounds as if it came out of a dream. You must not fault me for asking otherwise.”

“I could say the same.” Adonis says, honest. “I would be happy to spend more time with you, Kanzaki.”

“Then,” the determined look is back in Souma’s eyes. He spins the pen in his hand, “After we finish our homework, I would be more than happy to show you.”

“Only after we finish.” Adonis insists, he taps the corner of Souma’s textbook. “Was there not a problem that was stumping you? We ought to finish it fast, don’t you think?” He can’t help the small quip, but it’s adorable for Souma to grow so easily flustered.

“Ah… you’re right.” Souma shrinks, “But, with your help, I will be able to accomplish anything!”

Adonis laughs, shaking his head fondly.

—————

Atokari-dono!

I am so delighted to hear that you will be coming to Japan! Though the exact date that you will be arriving here is still pending, please know that I would be more than happy to give you a tour!

Do you happen to know which part of Japan you will be staying in? Don’t think for a second that I have forgotten about your promise. I intend to etch the notes of your song into my heart—be prepared to play it over and over for me, my friend!

Oh, I am so excited!! I cannot wait to see you. Thinking about showing you the beautiful gardens and lakes of my home only makes me wish for your visit to come sooner rather than later. 

Though this is more of a selfish wish of mine, I hope that you are not adverse to the ocean? A dream of mine has always been to visit the sea and watch turtles hatching. But, if you would not like to do that, that’s more than alright.

Keep me updated! 

Your friend, 

颯馬

—————

Adonis didn’t like the idea of being around animals.

Even saying that was mildly inaccurate. In fact, there were times where he would consider animals more trustworthy than the people around him. Which was not to say that he didn’t trust them. It had just been easier for him to fit in with them, especially since they could never look at him with contempt. Even if he didn’t necessarily fit surrounded by small critters. 

Liking one thing doesn’t mean automatically becoming comfortable with the idea.

It starts with Souma.

He finds that his friend had the ability to bring both quiet and unrest. Today, the scales of luck weighted towards misfortune. Adonis was more than aware of the rabbit pens hidden away in a quiet corner of their school, but never once did he think of visiting them. 

Mild lie. There were times when he entertained the idea, but ultimately, Adonis would be whisked away. Whether it was training, unit practice or other errands that kept him occupied, he had dodged all opportunities to grow closer to them. Except, this time, Souma had managed to create a golden opportunity for the both of them.

That was how it was supposed to go, anyway.

“Kanzaki, I do not trust myself.” 

Souma blinks, “Why do you say that?” 

They’re both knelt down together, a bowl of carrots sitting between them. Several rabbits circle them, cautious. All of them crowd Souma, no doubt because of the peeled carrot in his grasp. To an outsider looking in, the sight would have looked fresh out of a picture. 

Adonis looks down at his hands, large and calloused. They were strong, yes, except anything that is capable of protection can easily be used for destruction. Enough repression and self-control could cause a man to turn to passivity—a price that all had to pay, yet Adonis finds himself shelling out double. 

He loathes it.

Souma doesn’t stop looking at him. 

Before long, the carrot in his hand is discarded. 

When Souma holds them, he finds himself pleasantly shocked at the rugged bumps that leave fire in its wake. He had always imagined that his friend’s hands were soft. As always, the real thing was infinitely better—incomparable and tangible and, oh so very real. What his daydreams do get right is that he feels perfect in all the warmth that radiates from a gentle grip. But, as all delusions are but wishes, Adonis can’t suppress the urge to slide his hand further in and hold it properly. 

Souma doesn’t pull away.

“Adonis-dono, you may not trust yourself, but I do.” 

Adonis feels the world shift in place. He freezes, fur rubbing against his arm. For a moment, he forgets that his hands are in Souma’s. When he looks down, he sees a small bunny burrowing into the meat of his thigh. It tickles. It scares him. What if he accidentally hurts it? Playing the part of a marble statue could only go so far, not when the amount of bunnies climbing into his lap multiplies. Were there this many?

Souma giggles, “They seem to like you more than me, Adonis-dono!”

Adonis doesn’t dare breathe. “Kanzaki—“

Souma tilts his head. “Adonis-dono, I promise you that you will not hurt them. I fear that they would be the one to offend you since they are known to nibble. Never mind that, though. They seem fond of you! Did you know that animals are a good judge of character?”

He frees one of his hands from Souma’s (apprehensively). 

Souma looks at him expectantly.

“They…” Adonis finds it hard to contain his excitement. “They like me?” He searches for validation, what he receives is more than he ever asked for. Souma offers to him one of the smaller of the rabbits gathered around them—to his surprise, it rubs its face into Adonis’s open palm.

“Adonis-dono, they don’t like you.” Souma shakes his head. “They love you!”

Adonis blushes, gaze shifting from the rabbit nuzzled into his hand, to the rabbits on his lap, to Souma. Souma’s smile is even brighter than any spotlight he had performed under. Subject to his gaze, he doesn’t feel scrutinized. Judgement came easily, especially to someone like him who stuck out like a sore thumb no matter the circumstance.

But, Souma?

Souma’s gaze was indescribable.

Adonis knows it’s not in bad faith.

“Kanzaki,” Adonis starts, squeezing Souma’s hand. 

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” for everything goes unsaid, but rings loud in the air. “Kanzaki, thank you.”

Souma blinks. He laughs, shaking his head. His eyes curve into small crescents, fond. 

“Adonis-dono, I should be the one saying that!” 

—————

My friend,

By the time you receive this, it will mark 6 mno. months since we started exchanging letters. Being your fe frei friend makes me happy. 

This time, I attached a garment per my sisters’ request. They told me that special occasions like this meant sending special gifts … They also told me that I would sleep on the floor should I not buy you a worthy present, so I hope that yuo you like it.

Sincerely,

Atokari

—————

Adonis liked Souma. Really liked him.

When exactly his feelings crossed the threshold of romance, he couldn’t pinpoint. Introspection often came at a steep price, knowing yourself gave an incomparable dread. Self-induced. But, Adonis finds that putting a name to the mystery was the first battle won in the changing tides of war. The God of the gaps may have held him hostage for his first few months of his stay in Japan, but another had decided to smile down on him. For better or for worse.

Not when Souma had always been beautiful, setting sun making his eyes shine like the clear waters of the ocean. 

It was routine for them to walk to school together, just as walking home was ingrained into their schedule. A tiring day could easily be ended when spent with the best of company. This day is no different. 

“Adonis-dono,” Adonis is already turning his gaze towards him by the second syllable. “Now that the year is ending, do you still have any wishes that need granting?”

Adonis ponders, letting the question drift in the air for a minute. Maybe more. Souma doesn’t comment on the silence—never was one to demand him of anything more than he was willing to give. Not that he needed to, Adonis would gladly collect the stars strung over the night sky if asked. 

“Nothing comes to mind.” Mild white lie. Something did come to mind. Except, unlike some of his other classmates and seniors, he knew just how important propriety was. Excuses. In the end, he just wanted to hold Souma’s hand again and to feel his skin against his own. 

Souma tilts his head. Adonis tries not to stare. He does, anyway. 

“There is something you are hiding from me.” Souma hums. He’s not angry. His friend’s gaze is understanding, grounding him from jumping to the worst. Souma looks away, eyes trained to the horizon. The sun is setting, coloring the sky into a mosaic of pinks and lilacs. “I won’t fault you for not telling me. After all, there are just some things that you must keep tucked away. ‘For your eyes only’, right?”

Adonis nods, “Yes.”

“But,” Souma’s eyes meet his. “If there was ever anything that I could do for you, do not hesitate to ask. I would strike down even the most fearsome of foes for you, Adonis-dono. I would make sure all your wishes were granted if it meant your happiness.”

Adonis doesn’t know what to make of that. It gets his face to warm, though. He thinks it must be silly to grow happy at the thought of someone (and, not just anyone, but Souma, who was his most treasured friend) who… cared for him and wanted him to be happy.

It’s those clear eyes of his that drew him in the beginning, but it was Adonis’s desire to know more of him that kept him from looking away. Optimism brimming with vibrancy, but not found in immaturity. Perseverance, not out of duty (at least, not entirely), but from the insatiable desire to become better. Kind, but not foolish. Firm, but not stubborn.

Souma was perfect, in all the balance of his jagged edges and smooth grins.

And, Adonis, Well. How could he compare himself to the moon?

“Oh.. Adonis-dono! Has a wish come to mind?” In the first place, why was his friend looking at him so intently? So focused, in fact, that he was able to catch the smallest of changes in his facial expression. Adonis doesn’t dwell on it. He would be a hypocrite, if he did. He looks at Souma. Souma looks at him. Simple as that.

“There is one.” Adonis admits. It’s worth a shot, he thinks. Nearly a year in Japan and there were still no improvements in his search. 

“Well?” Souma’s gaze turns fiery in excitement.

“It is a difficult task, in retrospect.” Adonis starts, looking away from Souma. How else was he going to concentrate in the effort of not making a fool out of himself? “There is one person from my childhood that I am looking for. I know not how they look, where they are, or what their name is, but I am determined to find them.” He looks at Souma.

Souma doesn’t budge.

“Even knowing that,” There’s a sense of trepidation that undercuts his question. He hopes, in vain, that Souma doesn’t pick up on it. “Would you still help me?”

A beat of silence barely passes between them before his hands are cupped and held. Adonis blinks and parts his lips. But, there’s nothing he can do when facing the heat of a determined gaze.

“I would love to help!” Souma nods eagerly. “You are wrong for assuming otherwise! Why wouldn’t I want to? Adonis-dono, you make my days a lot less lonely. Of course, I would want to do anything in my power to repay you.” There’s nothing he can do against him. Adonis thinks that he was never this feebleminded to begin with, but when there are immovable objects then there are definitely unstoppable forces.

Again, belonging.

Adonis smiles, tentative and shy. If this is what it meant to belong, then he would wish for everyone to find the person that makes them feel… like a person.

It goes both ways. Belonging.

“Do you have one?”

“Hm?” It’s Souma’s turn to be caught off guard. They’re still standing there, in a side street, the world bustling around them. Somehow, it doesn’t really matter. Not when this was the first time Adonis had ever seen this expression on the ever-confident Souma.

“A wish.” Adonis says, indulging himself in the feeling of his hands cupped by another. By his friend. By Souma. “Is there anything that you want granted?”

Souma blushes.

“Well, Adonis-dono, if I could be forward…” Adonis’s heart rate skyrockets. Was it the ambiance? Was it the way that the sun made his friend’s eyes shine like diamonds? Or, was it the apprehensively flustered expression that colors Souma’s face until he feels himself blushing too.

“You already granted my wish.” is what causes Adonis’s world to tilt on his axis. Had it not been for the hands grounding him, he would have surely lost his mind. Or, had he already? “Adonis-dono, if I may be candid, all I have ever wanted in my life was to be just like everyone else. Normal… in a sense. I wanted to find someone that would accept me for who I really am.”

Adonis empathizes.

“I wanted to be someone unbound by my duty.” Souma continues. Adonis imagines this is what it feels to be truly, unapologetically spellbound. Looking at Souma leaves him speechless, all thought and speech robbed of him until all he can do is stare in silence. “I wanted to be just Souma. Being with you everyday has allowed me to have that greedy desire of mine to fester. But, by being your classmate, I have come to know the true meaning of happiness.”

Adonis understands, if only because he feels the same way. 

“So, my wish…” Souma takes a deep breath. His gaze stays unwavered, strong and grounded. “My wish is for these peaceful and mundane days with you to continue. I want to remain by your side, in any way that you would want me. If you wish for me to be your sword, then so be it. If you wish for me to be your shield, then so be it.” He pauses, pursing his lips and lowering his head. “…is what I would have said a long time ago.”

Adonis blinks. He knows not to interrupt, but being the sole audience of an unprompted soliloquy left much to be desired.

“My real wish,” Souma mumbles, “is for the both of us to stand on equal footing. As friends, rather than classmates. As two humans rather than a man and a sword. If you could see me as your dearest friend, then I would be so grateful.”

“Kanzaki,” Adonis says, “Kanzaki, you are already more than just a classmate to me. More than a friend too.” He finds himself confessing, if only because the honesty that he was subjected to should only rightfully be repaid. “You are my cherished friend, the first person to ever accept me.”

Souma slowly looks at him. 

“And, if anything, I should be the one thanking you for all that you have done for me.” 

Now, it’s Souma’s turn to be speechless. 

Until, the brief silence is broken by a soft giggle. Which quickly turns into a quick, rabbit fast row of loud laughter. Souma’s shoulders shake, eyes squeezed shut all while Adonis’s cheeks burn. Had he said something wrong? It was easy to grow self-conscious, doubly so when he was at the receiving end of laughter. 

Oh, but how beautiful Souma looked when he was brimming with happiness.

“Adonis-dono.” breaks him out of his stupor. “You are truly so special to me.” 

Adonis feels his heart thrum painfully in his chest.

“I feel the same way, Kanzaki.”

—————

There’s a rare lull of soundlessness in Adonis’s home that night. Schoolwork finished (check), songs practiced (done, twice over), room(s) cleaned (every surface was squeaky clean). It was a rare night when he had time to do… nothing, really. But, a rare opportunity like this was never squandered away so easily—much less by Adonis.

Silence followed him like a second shadow in moments alone, for better or for worse. Usually, on cloudless nights like this, when the moon cast its light over all, did Adonis feel inclined to play his ocarina. A small instrument, yes, but it had been the one object that had given him the largest comfort. Others resorted to other hobbies like reading, yet Adonis finds it easier to create art rather than to appreciate it.

After all, he had promised to play a special song to his childhood friend. A song of his own composition. He wasn’t like his friend (it made him happy to say that) Koga who carefully penned the notes of his rock and roll repertoire, tucked away into the pockets of his guitar case. He wasn’t like Rei who kept his sheet music arranged in a shelf over his grand piano. 

If anything, Adonis was most similar to Kaoru. While his senior had little to no skill in any instrument (save for the recorder), he often hummed under his breath. Songs that meant nothing, but they were improvised melodies that were soothing to anyone who bothered to listen.

Adonis, likewise, found that allowing his fingers to glide over the holes of his ocarina produced the best songs. Each one was different, by virtue of playing from the heart, but it didn’t make each tune any less beautiful. Spell-binding performances came from the heart—any song would be devoid of life had the performer only gone through the motions.

“Adonis-dono, I must confess. I have always wanted to listen to your songs. Would it be alright if you could indulge my one wish?” Souma had asked on one faithful afternoon. Need he ask? Adonis would willingly lay his life for the ones he loved, a few songs on the ocarina were a drop in the ocean.

So, Adonis obliges. Instead of accomplishing reports and answering homework, he shares a moment of vulnerability with Souma. It’s his song that fills the classroom that afternoon, but the sight of Souma’s enthralled expression lingers in his thoughts.

He had always smiled brightly, not unlike the sun that had glared at him on the harshest of days, but like the comforting light of a lantern in the darkest of nights. That day was no different. Adonis could never get used to being on the receiving end of continued kindness, but being friends with Souma had forced him into the position.

Ah. Friend.

A particularly high note erupts from his ocarina.

He had promised his cherished friend that he would showcase all the songs in his repertoire once they met, didn’t he? It had been nearing a year of him in Japan, yet there was no dramatic improvement in his search for them. 

Would he ever find them?

Another high-strung note.

Yes. He would. He would be damned to failure if he couldn’t thank the one that had pushed him to become an idol, after all. It didn’t matter if they would only cross paths once, never again to intersect. All Adonis wanted to do was express his gratitude and offer him a song of thanks.

Had it been a few minutes ago, Adonis had looked at his ocarina as if it were a treasured friend. Now? Just a simple glimpse of it caused him to cringe in embarrassment. Easy solution: toss it aside and do something else. So, he does. He sets his instrument aside, and shuffles around for the box under his bed.

What’s inside the box? Well, it’s a collection of letters. Whose? His friend—whose pen name, he still couldn’t read.

It’s easy to fall into the rhythm of reading back lines of neat script. Script that was terrifyingly familiar in ways that Adonis couldn’t pinpoint. Lines so distinct that he could almost hear someone speaking them into reality. Which can be reasoned that he was projecting his image of his penpal to someone he knew very, very well. Unfair as it was, Adonis couldn’t help but see the similarities of a phantom in a real, tangible person.

Was it coincidence or a meeting pre-ordained by faith?

Adonis wishes he could find the strength needed to make his dreams into a reality. Nothing was fixed, what when his highschool journey from stumbling rookie to amateur idol had many twists and turns. Who was to say that he would absolutely, never cross paths with them? 

His eyes zero in on the pen name once again. While he had grown more confident in his abilities to read and write Japanese, there were still some characters that he had trouble reading. This alias was just one of many.

That is, until his eyes fall on the board carefully framed on the wall of his room. Of all the decisions he made to decorate his (once-sparse) room, Adonis thinks that placing his friend’s autograph over his study desk was his best one. It was always a comfort to stare up at the dark, confident strokes of Souma’s autograph. No doubt, his friend must have had much more practice with writing it with how popular Akatsuki is. But, he hasn’t approached him about redoing it.

Adonis squints, looking down at the letter in his hands. 

Wait a minute…

The letter in his hand—the very first one he receives from his penpal glares at him. Similarly, the board on his wall glowers at him, as if the long wait had made the object angry with him. It takes him five minutes to tear his gaze away from the neat ending of the note. It takes him a minute to piece together the eerie uniformity of his childhood friend and his new one.

A few seconds is all it takes for Adonis to realize that maybe, just, maybe his childhood friend was far closer than he had realized.

—————

Greetings!

My name is 颯馬! I’m the same age as you. This must be fate. Don’t you think so, Atokari-dono? One can say that this is the perfect start for a friendship! 

I loved your gift! I will make sure to hang this ‘dream catcher’ over my window. 

In celebration of our newfound partnership, I have attached a few snacks with this letter. They are among my favorites! Please do tell me if you enjoy them—I would be happy to send some more! 

Regards,

颯馬

—————

Souma Kanzaki: adonisu dono

Souma Kanzaki: Are yuo fr ee to

Souma Kanzaki: mmorrow?

Adonis has been staring at those messages for the past ten minutes. His phone lay in front of him, chat-window opened. For the past ten minutes, his heart hammered loud in his ears. Rationally, he knows that he should answer immediately. Seconds squandered away could give the wrong impression. Any minute now, the chance for a broken “Sorry, nevermind!” text appearing grows only more and more.

Of course, he wanted to accept Souma’s invitation. More than anything, spending time with his cherished friend was the best possible way to relax after a long day at school. But, the problem lay in that he couldn’t trust the way he was going to act now that he realized that there was a very big possibility that the childhood friend that was so far (separated by literal oceans), was actually so very near.

“Just answer, jesus. It’s not that hard!” A voice that sounds suspiciously close to Koga riles him up. He reaches for his phone.

“But, wouldn’t it be soooo embarrassing if you jumped the gun? I mean, Souma-kyun might find you odd. Suuure, he may want to remain friends with you, but it would be sooooooo awkward!” Another voice argues, practically teasing him. Adonis retracts his hand again.

“You are already at the age and maturity to be able to make decisions on your own, do you not think so? No matter what you choose, you can have the comfort of knowing that it was chosen with your own freedom.” Adonis doesn’t know if he could take another minute of internal struggle.

Adonis Otogari: i.    m free

Adonis Otogari: ^_

Adonis Otogari: ^

Souma opens the chat in a matter of seconds.

Adonis waits, heart in his throat.

The long and agonizing wait between texts was one reason why Adonis preferred phone calls. His real preference, however, was seeing Souma face to face. It was easier to pick up on body language and understated cues. Unlike others, Adonis was quick to admit that he was taking special precaution when it came to his friend. The last thing he wanted was to unknowingly hurt him.

(Still, he doesn’t understand the series of expressions he had received from his unit. As if they were hiding something from him. Well, he couldn’t exactly dwell on that now since there were more pressing issues at hand.)

Souma Kanzaki: o.    k 

Souma Kanzaki: see y.   ou at

Souma Kanzaki: 6am

Souma Kanzaki: （＾∇＾）

Adonis knows it’s silly to smile so easily.

Adonis Otogari: （＾＿＾）

With that, he lays face down on his bed.

Adonis wishes that tomorrow could come sooner rather than later.

—————

Adonis doesn’t get a wink of sleep that night. 

“Adonis-dono, are you sure you’re alright?” was probably asked around three times. One time all Adonis does is nod. Another time, he shakes his head. In the final instance, he offers Souma a small smile.

“I am well.” Adonis replies, shifting the bag on his shoulder. It was barely daybreak, the sun still hidden under the horizon. Nothing out of the ordinary—they often jogged together in the early morning. What strikes him as strange is that they aren’t having their run, instead, he walks leisurely next to Souma en route to an unknown destination. 

“If you insist.” Souma says with a resolute nod. “There is no cause for worry, however! What we will be doing this morning has little to do with exercise or strenuous activity. Simply put, we will be basking in the wonder of nature. But, the act in question will be a surprise.” There’s a mischievous glint in Souma’s eyes. No doubt, he’s excited for what he has planned for the day.

Adonis allows himself to be led, with the knowledge that Souma must be bursting out of the seams in anticipation. 

It’s easy to fall into the familiar rhythm of banter; even easier is walking alongside Souma, listening to his voice. What he finds difficult, however, is to keep himself from fishing for information. Adonis doesn’t stumble over his words, but under his tongue lay a multitude of questions: Did you have a penpal before? Do you recall ever sending a package full of Japanese sweets to a foreign land? Have you ever entertained the idea of me being that penpal? 

Would you see me any differently?

“Here we are!” 

They’re at the beach.

How did they end up at the beach? Was he that caught up in his thoughts that he allowed his mind to wander?

“What do you think?” Souma says, excitement waning in lieu of a candid display of insecurity. “… Is it to your liking?”

“Yes.” Adonis says, looking straight at Souma.

“… I meant.. That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh.” Adonis says, clamming up. He looks into the horizon, lulled by the sound of waves crashing against the shore. “Well, my answer remains unchanged, Kanzaki.”

He refuses to look at Souma, at least, not until his ears have stopped burning.

“That soothes me.” Souma sighs. He can imagine a hand on his chest. “But, this is not what I wanted to show you. At least, not entirely.” 

Adonis allows his gaze to shift from dark water to even darker eyes. A trick in the darkness, surely, but Souma blends into the starry sky seamlessly. Looking at him could never grow old—a sight only accented by the fact that what was once a shadowy spectre was tangible. Within arm’s reach.

It takes everything in him to not reach out. 

Souma is within arm’s reach, but the space between the spaces leaves Adonis at a standstill with himself. He follows Souma to the railings overlooking the shoreline, curiously they both keep away. He would think that being by the beach implied a quick swim. Nevertheless, he doesn’t question Souma’s choice.

Premeditated actions—did they exist or did they not? Well, in the end, it didn’t matter. Whatever destiny the world in mind would have to pause. Adonis was anything but confident in himself, but he would like to think that he was growing braver, stronger, and kinder with every passing day.

His first step in affirming that belief would have to be crossing the threshold between him and Souma. He would be honest with him. Adonis would outline just how much he had liked Souma, to the point that it couldn’t be considered platonic anymore. That there were times when he wanted to pull him close and never let go. That he knew Souma was capable and strong, but a part of him still wanted to protect him.

He would explain to Souma that he was the person that he was looking for all along. That it was a coincidence that he couldn’t shake off, no matter how hard he tried. That, no matter what would happen in the future, Souma could always turn to him.

Yet again, the pattern of ten thoughts to one word steals away his chance for setting things straight.

“Adonis-dono! Adonis-dono!” His arm is shaken, brain clattering around in his head. Adonis splutters, visibly surprised. Souma isn’t even looking at him. He’s pointing over to the shore, more specifically, small holes that unfurl like a well wrapped present. “Look! Look! It’s finally begun!”

Adonis stands, transfixed and amazed at the sight. “Turtle eggs?”

“Yes!” Souma nods, grin as bright as the moon that hangs above them. “Hatching! Turtle eggs that are hatching! Look, Adonis-dono, there are so many of them, I can barely count them all! Ohh, it’s a wonderful event, isn’t it? Look at them go!”

Adonis chuckles, nodding. “It is. This is the first time I have seen such a thing.”

“I could say the same.” Souma explains, eyes still fixed on the small creatures crawling towards the ocean. “In fact, Buchou-dono had been the one to tell me that the native turtles around the area have young ready to hatch. Initially, I was supposed to watch it with him and Hakaze… dono, but Buchou insisted that there were just some things that I needed to see alone.”

Adonis arches an eyebrow, a question heavy on his tongue. If his friend meant to watch this alone, then why had he invited him?

“Hakaze-dono…” Souma’s nose wrinkled, “He was the one that had suggested inviting you. That you were the same as I, that you would just be as amazed by the joys of nature.” His expression softens, turning to Adonis and searching for reassurance.

Not one to keep his heart hidden, Adonis smiles back.

“He’s right.” Adonis replies, honest. “I’m honored to share this experience with you.”

Souma's smile widens, “I feel the same. Why else would I have invited you?”

Adonis chuckles, “Why else would I have accepted?”

They both laugh. Who knew that the act of being alongside your friend could be so comforting? Simple as it was, Adonis always felt the urge to smile when Souma was around. He can only hope that the feeling was reciprocated.

Souma’s laughter stops, ebbing away until the natural softness of his smile replaces his grin. 

“May I be candid with you, Adonis-dono?” Souma’s voice is quiet, dark hair obscuring his facial expression.

“Of course.” Adonis replies, keeping his gaze trained to the small turtles hatching from their eggs. “You need not ask.”

Souma laughs, “I am aware. But, I still felt that there was a need to ask.”

Adonis nods, keeping quiet.

Souma takes a deep breath in, audible. 

“There was someone that I wanted to show this to.” Adonis can barely stop himself from snapping his head to look at Souma. His heart trembled. “The truth is, Adonis-dono, your wish has struck a chord within me. Just like you, there is someone that I am searching for.”

This was it, wasn’t it?

“I never once saw you as a substitute for them, of course!” Souma explains, flustered as if the words were knotted and lodged into his throat. He raises his hands, turning towards Adonis and waving them around in a flurry. “It’s just—when I was much younger, there was someone that I had written to on a regular basis! And, I… had lost contact. All from my inability to balance my personal life, duty, school… Surely, you understand.”

Adonis, frozen in place, can only swallow the boulder lodged into his throat.

“You are…” Souma stumbles, “When I talk to you, I see them. When I look at your handwriting, I think of them. When I see the way you act, the way you talk, the way you portray yourself. It strikes a sense of familiarity that I simply cannot shake off!” His voice echoes. 

A strange mix of emotions brews inside of Adonis, a tempest that can’t easily be quelled. It’s hard to interrupt him, not when a passionate display was meant to be witnessed from beginning to end. Adonis suppresses the urge to speak. Any word could be misinterpreted, any action misconstrued. 

“So, I,” Souma plays with a stray strand of hair. “Um, I, well,”

Adonis knows an opportunity when he sees one.

Here goes nothing.

“…And, to this person, had you promised to show them around Japan?” Souma nods slowly at that. Adonis takes a deep breath. Alright, here we go. Moment of truth. “And, this person had promised to play all the songs they knew on an ocarina. No matter how many there were, this person said that you would have to listen to every single one. Right?”

There’s a slow trickle of realization that he can see on Souma’s face. First, it starts with the smallest of twitches in his eyebrow. Second comes the widening of his eyes, until they were nothing short of small saucers. Last comes the loud gasp that forces his friend to cover his mouth.

“Adonis-dono?” Souma’s voice quivers. Similarly, his fingers tremble. 

“This person wrote to you to improve their Japanese.” Adonis continues, ignoring the way that the current of his heart blares louder than the waves that swallow the shore. “This person had promised to visit you once they arrived in Japan. And, you told them that you would—“

“… show them to all the beautiful gardens and lakes here.” Souma completes for him. 

Adonis nods slowly.

Souma understands what Adonis is trying to say, even if words were sparse and far between. 

“If,” Adonis starts, the adrenaline rushing and pushing him to do the impossible. “If I were to say that the person that I had been looking for all this time. The person whose name and face I did not know. This person that I have always dreamed of meeting—of thanking .”

“If I said that person was you,”

Souma lowers his hand.

“What would you do?”

Done. Finished. He got it out.

Adonis lets out a breath he had not realized he was holding.

Souma is motionless, rigid. Panicked. A wave of emotions passes Adonis. The fear paralyzed him, honesty poisoning the very bond he treasured most. His mind rushes faster than his body (kept in permanent stasis, a consequence of shock shackling him down). Now that all was truly laid out in the open, all Adonis could do was wait.

Except, he doesn’t. He’s waited long enough.

“I know that I may not be the person you had in mind.” Adonis admits, even when the words leave a trail of fire down his tongue. Unsettling. Painful. “I compared the name that you signed in your letters to the gift you had given me when we had first met. Your writing has improved, it has always been beautiful for me, but…” He trails off, lowering his eyelashes. “I admit, I wanted to meet you no matter what. I wanted to offer a song to you, for being my first friend.”

Souma’s mouth opens, but he acts as if he was a puppet controlled on taut strings. 

“You may see me differently now.” Who was he kidding—obviously, there would be a very clear shift in dynamic now! Souma, who was incapable of being dishonest with himself, would surely keep the charade of normalcy running, but it would prick him and wound him deeply. It would hurt. Badly. For both of them. “I don’t blame you, I… I just wanted to be honest with you, Kanzaki. I hope that you won’t hate me for—“

Adonis is forced to halt.

A vice grip around his waist physically stops him from continuing.

“Adonis-dono, I forbid you from continuing that sentence!” His ears are ringing. Someone is yelling and his ears are ringing. His heart leaps out of his throat as the uncomfortable heat pressed against his chest envelops and swallows him whole. Adonis stiffens, every hair on his skin sticking up. Fear? No. Anxiety? Maybe.

Elation, though? Definitely.

Souma buries his head in his shoulder. 

Adonis is only mildly confident that this was reality because the suffocating hug he was subject to was leaving him breathless. Paired with the familiar smell of Souma’s shampoo under his nose, Adonis feels that this may possibly be the worst and best possible reality.

“Adonis-dono, how could I hate you…?” Souma’s voice teeters on the edge of a whisper. “How could I! How could I possibly hate you when you are the one person nearest to my heart? How could I possibly find it in myself to toss you aside—how could you think that?”

Adonis feels a sharp pain in his back, nails digging into the fabric of his shirt.

“How could I hate you when being with you makes me happiest? How can I when just by being by your side, I feel as though I can do anything?” Souma’s voice grows into muffled mumbles, no doubt because he was pressing himself so close to him. “Adonis-dono, you make me feel special. You make me feel accepted, me! You are closest to my heart, yes, I can never love anyone like I have loved you.”

It’s obvious to everyone, but most especially to those that bothered to look, that Adonis had no relationship experience. Experience can easily be built, but confidence? Confidence was another challenge to overcome. Nevertheless, Adonis was never one to shy away from difficulty. Not when growing up alongside obnoxious and nosey sisters was already a struggle in itself.

If words were difficult to string, then it was only natural for him to switch to actions. 

Right?

Adonis doesn’t know whose heart was beating faster (or were they beating in tandem?)

When Souma looks up, Adonis seizes the chance.

He’s never done this before, that much was clear. But, cupping Souma’s cheek and bringing him close to his face comes as easily as breathing. 

Their kiss is more teeth than lips. 

It doesn’t take a third party’s notice or comment for Adonis to know that this was definitely not how a kiss was supposed to feel like. Souma, for the most part, doesn’t move. Adonis is too scared to open his eyes to know what kind of expression he was making. 

Adonis has never wanted to die for his mistakes, but there were no absolutes in the world. He, very nearly, feels his soul escape his body. Whether it was from the overwhelming feeling of Souma against him, or the palpable sense of guilt and embarrassment that floods him from a flubbed kiss. 

He pulls away when the need for oxygen becomes evident.

“Adonis-dono…” is the first thing Souma says when he pulls away. Was that the start of an Adonis-dono, that was the worst kiss I have ever had or was that an Adonis-dono, we can always work on your kissing skills, after all, that can easily be separated from the person or—

“I.. I…” Souma is red, the apples of his cheek fully ripe. Adonis is sure that he’s not any better, he feels as if his whole body was lit aflame. Stuttering is an impediment he would never shame, especially since he had fallen victim to worse—but, faced with his friend (boyfriend? Could he call him that now? What were they?) who was at a loss for words? Well, it made him feel terrible. 

“I apologize!” Souma had intended to prostrate himself, but the attempted action only crashes his head against Adonis’s. He knew that his friend (boyfriend, maybe) was often called hardheaded, but he didn’t think that the statement should be taken literally too. “Ah, Adonis-dono, is your head—?”

Souma’s fussing doesn’t stop though—his head is reeling, spinning. There’s a wealth of information that he had to sort and parse through, or, at least, attempt to. His forehead aches, Adonis knows that. But, the physical pain doesn’t bother him. 

“I am aware that I, I,” Souma stutters, voice pitching high in embarrassment. He winces. “I have no experience whatsoever, and I may have been too overly excited, but! But!” Adonis feels hands cup his cheeks, raising his head until he’s forced to look into Souma’s eyes. “I… really wanted to kiss you. I have for a while. I a—assumed that this was the perfect opportunity! So, so…”

“I apologize!” Souma mumbles. “Will you forgive me, Adonis-dono?”

Adonis feels all the words clog in his throat, like all of the feelings burning deep inside of him felt that this was the best time to escape. He was going to embarrass himself if he didn’t carefully speak, he was going to humiliate himself. 

There are many phrases swimming in his head: It’s alright, Kanzaki. Kanzaki, I was the one who’s at fault for rushing ahead of myself. Kanzaki, I love you so much. Kanzaki, I want to do that agai—

“Adonis-dono…!” This time, Adonis feels Souma’s hands covering his face. “A little warning would be appreciated next time! I…” Souma stutters. Adonis’s face grows red-hot in embarrassment. “I am truly happy that you feel the same way as me. I am truly happy to have you, Adonis-dono. But, if you say such things out of nowhere, even I would not be able to contain myself.”

“How can I ever stop myself?” Adonis replies, taking a hold of Souma’s wrists and pulling his hands away. No doubt, both of them were blushing messes causing a ruckus in the silence of an early morning. “Loving you comes easy to me, Kanzaki. As if happiness has always been natural. With you, I feel at home. You are precious to me, and that fact will never change.”

Souma quivers in his grasp. 

“…Was I too forward?” Adonis feels himself die a little inside.

Souma shakes his head, hair nearly whipping into Adonis’s face. “I… I do not know what to say. It’s as if Adonis-dono looked inside my mind and said all the things that I wanted to say.” He confesses, blushing deeply. “I truly am happy to have found you… Atokari-dono.”

Adonis takes a deep breath to calm himself.

“Kanzaki, it was an honest mistake.”

Souma’s giggle turns into a full-bodied laugh.

There was a reason why my father suggested taking up a penpal.” Adonis explains in a futile attempt to save face. He can hear Souma giggle faintly. “And, I admit that I had not realized that I had been spelling my name wrong since the very beginning because my handwriting was abysmal.”

“I can not argue with that.” Souma laughs, all giddy. “It took me hours to parse what you were saying with all the crossed out lines, errors in grammar and spelling…”

“I apologize.” Adonis feels the heat spread down his neck. “I truly do. But, I did preface by saying that I was learning the language. You had no obligation to reply to me, and yet,”

“Yet, I did.” Souma completes for him, bringing his face close to Adonis. This time, their kiss is too short. But, the pleasant warmth of his friend (boyfriend?) leaves his own lips tingling. “I did, and here we are now.”

Adonis laughs, grinning brightly. All teeth.

“Who would have thought that you were right, Kanzaki?” Adonis murmurs, sliding his hands down until their fingers are interlocked together. Souma tilts his head at that. “I was happy when you replied saying that this was fate. Destiny. For someone to want that with me… It made me incredibly happy.”

Souma smiles, “Adonis-dono, anyone would be happy with you. I am one of many.” He leans in and nuzzles their noses together. “If anyone should be thankful, it should be me. I was incredibly lucky to have met you. You are my first friend. And, I would be happy to experience more firsts with you in the future.”

Against all odds, Adonis’s expression grows softer. 

“I would like that too.”

—————

To my penpal, 

My name is A   Otog Ado Atokari,

It is my first time writing letters. My father suggested that I do so, in order to impr improve my Japanese. I apologize if I mae make any mistakes. 

I thought to send of sending you a jift gift. I made sure to save up money to send you this, I apologize if it’s not to yuor. standard. 

I’m looking forward to hearing from you again.

Atokari