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    Summary

    Buck probably thinks Eddie’s freezing up because he’s remembering the time before Buck, except he isn’t, because he can’t. Buck came along and redefined what it means to touch, to be touched.

    And Eddie doesn’t know to explain that. He doesn’t know how to split the whole thing into parts.

    How to say: I want you more than I have ever wanted anything. I want you close, and here, and always.

    I don’t know how to let you take what I want you to have.

    in which eddie can almost, almost let himself have everything with buck. it takes one google invite, one therapist, and a never-ending series of stops and starts to figure out why the almosts keep happening.

    (a coda to tell me about despair.)

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