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- The very first time I remember you, you are blond, and you don’t love me back.
There’s a guy sitting in his seat, and he’s beautiful. Blond hair, slicked back from his face, piercing dark eyes that are focused on the notebook in front of him.
“There’s someone in your seat,” Renjun says, unhelpfully, and Mark can only nod.
“Well, aren’t you going to make him move?”
Mark’s not so sure he can even speak to him at all. Words don’t seem to exist in his proximity.
“I’m Jeno,” the guy will later say, eyes turned into slits from smiling so hard. “I’m sorry I was in your seat.”
Mark falls in love with him quicker than a speeding bullet, even faster than Jeno integrates himself into their friend group. He’s all warm smiles and comforting hugs, and it only hurts a tiny bit whenever he looks at someone else that way.
“Mark,” Jeno says when they graduate college seven years later, squeezing his hand warmly. “Thank you for being my friend.”
That’s the first time they part ways.
- The next time you are brunet, and you do.
“I’m home,” Jeno’s voice sounds cheerful from the hallway and Mark can’t help the smile that spreads all over his face immediately. “Where are you?”
“Kitchen,” Mark shouts back, hands still drenched with soap and water.
Jeno appears in the doorway to their kitchen a few moments later, cheeks still tinted red from the cold outside, dark hair tousled from the hat he wears outside. He comes up behind Mark and presses a kiss to his cheek. Mark flinches, but smiles anyway.
“You’re freezing,” he complains, but makes no move to actually push him away as Jeno puts his icy hands under Mark’s sweater. “Jeno!”
“Warm me up,” Jeno pouts as he presses his entire body against Mark’s, face resting in his neck, breath fanning against it.
“You big baby,” Mark teases, and tries to ignore the goosebumps that arise on his skin. He wipes his hands on the cloth hanging in front of him and turns around, wrapping his arms around Jeno’s neck in the next moment.
“Hey,” Jeno mumbles quietly, leaning forward to press his lips against Mark’s. “I missed you.”
“You were gone for like five hours,” Mark answers, even though he missed him too.
“I miss you all the time,” Jeno’s answer is, because he’s always been smooth like that. “It’s because I love you.”
Mark definitely does not blush, especially not after three years of being in a relationship with the other, thank you very much, but it’s a close call.
“I love you, too,” he says, leaning his head on Jeno’s shoulder. “So much.”
I’m so lucky, he thinks . So, so lucky.
- After a while I give up trying to guess if the colour of your hair means anything,
Jeno rarely has the same colour, but in this life it changes the most.
“Okay guys, you’re up next,” the manager says, ushering them forward. “Do your best.”
It’s his first comeback with NCT DREAM in a while, so he’s excited to be back. There’s a tingling sensation in his fingertips, the anticipation flowing through his entire body, and it shows. Their energy on stage is amazing , all the tiredness from the dance practices suddenly forgotten.
“Mark,” Jeno says when they’re backstage again, eyes squinting from how hard he smiles. “You were amazing!”
The others are already in the dressing room, getting changed, so it’s just them in the room now. Mark puts an arm around Jeno and squeezes the other, not even minding that they’re both sweating like crazy.
“ You were amazing,” he returns the compliment. “Just like always.”
“It was different though,” Jeno mumbles, arm sliding around Mark’s waist, fingers carefully tapping on his skin, pulling himself even closer to Mark’s body. “It’s not the same without you.”
“That’s not true,” Mark says. “You’re perfect.”
The halls outside of the rooms are quiet now, only some murmurs coming through from far away, so Mark sneaks a last look around, and then he turns his head around to stare directly into Jeno’s eyes. Jeno is still smiling, but there’s something in his face that’s expecting, like he knows what Mark’s about to do.
Closing the gap between them, Mark presses his lips to Jeno – a careful movement, like always, just a peck that lingers for too long, before pulling back to look Jeno in the eyes. He’s still smiling, but his eyes are shining with a different kind of excitement now, and he shivers.
“I love you,” Jeno whispers, so quietly that Mark would have difficulty even understanding him had he not been reading his lips. It’s become a thing for them; exchanging those words so silently, always in fear of being overheard.
Mark knows they don’t mean any less though, and so he whispers “And I love you,” just as quietly back.
Jeno buries his face in Mark’s neck, his warmth a comforting, familiar touch.
Mark smiles, content.
- because even when you don’t exist, I’m still in love with you.
The lives without Jeno are the hardest, because Mark is stuck loving someone that doesn’t exist.
He graduates school, gets a job, makes friends; but it all feels useless because of the gaping hole in his chest that refuses to be filled.
“I’m sorry,” he says to his now ex-boyfriend. “I’m in love with someone else.”
They all leave, and Mark stays.
- I remember most fondly those lifetimes where we get to grow up together,
Mark is eight years old, and they get new neighbours.
“They have a son your age,” his father says, pushing him out of the front door. “Let’s go say hi.”
Jeno , Mark thinks before Jeno’s mother can even introduce her son to him. Jeno, Jeno, Jeno.
He doesn’t know how he knows the other boy’s name, but he does. And he knows that he needs to be his friend.
“Hi,” the boy mumbles shyly, sneaking a look at Mark from between his mother’s legs. The woman pushes the young boy forward.
“Tell him your name, sweetie,” she urges him and after a moment of reluctance, he finally steps forward, still holding onto his mother’s sweater.
“Jeno,” he says quietly, just like Mark knew he would.
“I’m Mark,” he answers him. “Do you wanna be my friend?”
Jeno stares at him, as if contemplating whether or not he actually wants to befriend Mark. After a few endless seconds of silence, he nods.
“Yes, please.”
- when you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me.
They turn from neighbours to best friends in the span of a few days, and that doesn’t change over the next few years.
“Look what I found,” Jeno says one day, walking through the forest with knowing steps, looking back over his shoulder to make sure Mark follows. “You’re gonna love it.”
Mark does .
“How did you even find this? Who does it belong to?”
Jeno laughs, as he starts climbing the ladder to the treehouse.
“No idea,” he shouts down. “But it’s awesome.”
Mark follows him, because that’s what he always does.
It seems as if the previous owner had not been inside for a few months, according to the dust and general untidiness of the area inside, but there was a bunch of cool stuff inside.
“It even has fairy lights, look,” Jeno tells him excitedly, immediately turning on the string of lights. “It just needed some batteries, and those I brought from home.”
The whole space lights up immediately, and Mark gapes in amazement.
“Woah,” he says, looking around. “It’s beautiful.”
The treehouse becomes their spot from then on, and sometimes they sneak out in the middle of the night just to go there.
“I think my parents don’t love each other anymore,” Jeno confesses one night when they’re laying on the floor of the tree house. Outside, grills are chirping and Mark’s pretty sure the rustling of the bushes is more than the wind. Still, the inside of the tree house is calm. Jeno’s voice is barely above a whisper, and he’s not looking at Mark when he speaks.
Mark tries to hide his shock. Jeno’s parents always seemed so happy together, that even Mark’s parents fought about it.
“What makes you think that?”
“My dad found a new job again,” Jeno answers him. He turns onto his side to face Mark. “He and Mom fought about it. Mom doesn’t want to move again, and now they’re constantly fighting about it. Dad says Mom’s not being supportive or something, I don’t know…”
He trails off, and looks at Mark expectantly. He looks so hopeless in that moment that Mark wants to do nothing more than hug him. He doesn’t though, as the moment feels too fragile for that.
“That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other anymore, Jeno,” Mark tries to comfort him. “My dad always says sometimes adults have to make difficult decisions that not everyone agrees with.”
Jeno furrows his brows, thinking about it, but eventually shakes his head.
“I don’t want to move, Mark,” he whispers, tears welling up in his eyes. “I like it here.”
Mark grabs Jeno’s hand and caresses it gently, rubbing soothing circles onto it.
“Maybe you won’t have to,” he tries, and swallows the lump in his throat.
Truth be told, he doesn’t want Jeno to move either.
“And what if I do?” Jeno sniffs. “I’ll live so far away, and then we won’t be best friends anymore.”
“We’ll always be best friends,” Mark tells him firmly. “No matter where you live!”
Jeno looks at him, wiping the tears from his face, still not convinced.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
- I love how you play along to my bad ideas,
“You’ve never skipped school?”
Jeno shakes his head, looking exceptionally innocent in his school uniform today, with his shirt tucked in and tie done properly. His backpack is sitting on his lap, arms slung around it tightly, as if he’s afraid that a thief is gonna rip it from his arms and run away with it.
“Not even once?”
Jeno shakes his head again, and Mark hums. He’s never been a big skipper himself, too enamoured with good grades for that, but he’s had his fair share of fun during his high school years. And Jeno is the new kid in school, and he doesn’t have a lot of friends yet.
“Do you wanna skip today?” Mark asks, leaning forward in his seat. “We can go to the mall, get some ice cream or whatever.”
Jeno looks at Mark with wide eyes, looking younger than he actually is, reminding Mark of a puppy for a second.
“Yes,” he says eventually, sounding more confident than Mark would have expected. “Let’s go.”
Mark grins, and the two take off.
Later, at the mall, Mark buys Jeno his favourite ice cream flavour (chocolate), while Mark gets his own regular order (vanilla), and the two of them walk around the mall aimlessly.
“It was fun,” Jeno says in the afternoon, when Mark walks him back home. His cheeks are flushed red, and his hair looks soft from how it’s ruffled. “Thank you, Mark.”
Mark and Jeno end up skipping more than once, but seeing Jeno’s smiles, Mark thinks it’s worth it.
- before you grow up and realize that they’re bad ideas.
“I still can’t believe you convinced Jeno to do that,” Donghyuck shakes his head in wonder. “I mean, fake dating? What is this, a fanfiction?”
Mark sighs, trying to ignore his best friend while he’s sorting through the vinyls in the shop they both work at.
“It’s just for my brother’s wedding, it’s no big deal,” he tries, but it’s useless, for Donghyuck cackles immediately.
“Sure thing,” Donghyuck simply says, still laughing to himself.
“Is it so bad that I don’t want my family to think I’m a loser?”
“Uh,” Donghyuck says. “News flash, Markles. Asking the guy you’re in love with to be your fake date to your brother’s wedding makes you an even bigger loser.”
He ignores Donghyuck for the rest of their shift, but that doesn’t stop the other from being right, of course.
When he shows up to the wedding with Jeno in tow, he questions all of his life choices.
Because Jeno doesn’t just look good, he looks gorgeous . His suit seems to be tailored perfectly, even though Mark knows it’s not, and he slicked his black hair back in a way that makes his face (and perfect jaw line, damn you, Jeno) even more pop.
Mark can’t stop staring at him.
He can barely stand to sit next to him during the reception, so when Jeno asks him to dance at the end of the evening, it’s a miracle he doesn’t trip on his feet the whole time they’re swinging on the dance floor.
“That was a beautiful wedding,” Jeno says as they’re slow dancing, glancing towards where his brother is doing the same with his wife. “Thanks for inviting me.”
He looks even more beautiful like this, up close, his arm tightly wrapped around Mark’s waist as he’s swinging them softly to the beat of the music.
“Thank you for coming with me,” Mark answers him. “I…know it was a weird thing to ask.”
Jeno smiles. “Your family certainly seemed to believe us. Makes me wonder what you’ve been telling them about me.”
Mark tries not to blush, as Jeno continues speaking.
“You know, when you asked me to come as your fake boyfriend that day, I was hoping you were going to ask me out for real,” he says, voice soft as if he’s embarrassed by what he’s admitting.
Mark almost trips over his feet, but Jeno steadies him.
“Careful,” he says, leading him again.
“I–wait,” Mark stammers. “What?”
“Yeah,” Jeno chuckles awkwardly. “Sorry, that was weird of me to say.”
“ No ,” Mark rushes out, maybe a bit too loud, because Jeno looks startled. “No. I mean. Dude .”
Jeno winces, and Mark quickly speaks again, trying to ignore the fact that he had just basically dudezoned his crush.
“I’ve been in love with you for the past three years,” he blurts out. “I wanted to ask you out, for real, but I’ve been too scared…”
Jeno stares at him, open-mouthed as if processing this information, so Mark continues.
“...So if I had asked you out, would you have said yes…?”
That seems to pull Jeno out of whatever trance he’s been in, and he nods quickly.
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“ Oh ,” Jeno laughs, incredulously. “Mark Lee, sometimes you’re unbelievable.”
Mark can’t really argue with that, so he just ducks his head, trying his hardest not to blush.
They’re still dancing at this point, except now they’re going their slowest yet.
“Does that mean I can finally kiss you?” Jeno asks after a few seconds. “Cause I’ve been thinking about it all day.”
Mark looks up to find Jeno staring right back at him, his eyes so intense that he feels a shiver run up his spine. Jeno looks at him like he wants him, like he’s something desirable . Nobody has ever looked at Mark like that. Mark swallows, and then he nods, a tiny gesture, but it’s all Jeno seems to have been waiting for because the next moment he’s being kissed. It’s as if time stands still, and there’s only Jeno and Mark in the world.
Jeno is soft, so so soft, and when the two part, and he smiles at Mark like he’s just won the lottery, Mark smiles back.
- (And in our lives together I have many, many bad ideas.)
“I told you you’d slip,” Jeno scolds him quietly, as he’s pressing the cotton pad onto his knee. “Why do you never listen?”
Mark hisses in pain, and the anger in Jeno’s eyes soften as he hears that. He sends Mark a concerned look, before he continues what he’s doing, this time much more gentle.
“I just…wanted to look cool, I guess,” Mark admits shyly.
Trying to climb that tree had not been his best idea, but at the time it had seemed like it.
“Look cool in front of who? All the other kids had already left anyway.”
“...you.”
Jeno pauses, hand still raised with the pad in hand.
“Me?”
Mark doesn’t answer verbally, too embarrassed, but he nods.
“Mark,” Jeno says disbelievingly. “I already think you’re the coolest person in the world. You don’t need to climb stupid trees to prove that.”
“You think I’m cool?”
“Yes,” Jeno laughs. “You’re definitely cooler when you’re not falling out of trees, though.”
Well, Mark has never claimed been the smartest kid around, but when Jeno puts a bandaid on his knee and gives him a kiss on the cheek afterwards, he supposes it’s not so bad.
- When we meet as adults you’re always much more discerning. I don’t blame you.
“Do you believe in reincarnation?”
“When you’re reborn as a dog or something?”
“No, like,” Mark clears his throat. “As yourself. Living multiple lives.”
Jeno frowns.
“Not really.”
“You don’t think there’s life after death?”
“Sure I do,” Jeno says, sitting up on the couch and running a hand through his already disheveled hair. “I just don’t think we have the luxury of living life after life. Like it’s a video game or whatever.”
Mark is silent, and Jeno must think of that as a bad sign, because suddenly there are arms slung around his waist.
“Why the sudden interest, hm?”
“I just think it’s interesting to think about…”
Jeno doesn’t seem convinced, but he doesn’t say anything, just puts his head on Mark’s chest and squeezing his arms in a way that makes Mark chuckle.
“What would you do,” Mark says after a while of them just sitting there, enjoying each other’s presence. “If you had multiple lives?”
Jeno hums.
“I don’t know,” he says eventually. “Probably try different jobs or something. Live in different countries maybe. What about you?”
“I don’t know,” Mark says as well, running a hand through Jeno’s hair. “Loving you in all of them.”
Jeno sits up then, to stare Mark in the eyes. He’s grinning, and pinches Mark’s cheeks.
“Awwww,” he says, in a soft voice. “So cheesy, my boyfriend.”
It’s true , Mark doesn’t say.
Jeno buries his face in Mark’s neck again, clearly content.
“I love you, too,” he murmurs quietly. “A lot.”
Mark smiles softly, savouring the moment, praying he’ll remember it in his next life.
- Yet, always, you forgive me.
“I’m so sorry,” Mark repeats for what must be the hundredth time.
The guy stares after the bus for a few silent seconds, eyes following the shrinking vehicle until it turns the corner and leaves their sight. With a heavy sigh, he turns around to look at Mark, the frown on his face turning upside down in a moment, eyes lighting up in an understanding smile.
“It’s alright,” he says, voice a smooth baritone. “I’ll just get the next one.”
“Still, I’m sorry,” Mark tries again. “I should have been more careful, watched where I’m going…”
“Don’t worry,” the guy says, waving him off. “It could have happened to anyone. Are you okay?”
Mark startles, and stares at his hands that are scruffed from where they had caught his fall. In his rush to catch the bus, he had accidentally run into the other guy at the bus stop, not only dropping his own bags and stumbling onto the ground, but also pulling the other guy down with him, making him lose his bag and folder full of notes and pens as well. They had tried to collect his belongings quickly, as to not miss the bus, but failed – miserably.
“I’m fine,” Mark ends up saying. “Just pretty embarrassed.”
The guy chuckles.
“I’m serious, it’s fine, don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s another bus coming today.”
“But not for another two hours,” Mark mumbles. That had been the reason for his own rush in the first place.
The guy sighs, but just shrugs.
“I– you probably don’t want anything to do with me, but,” Mark starts, stumbling over his words a bit. “There’s a cafe close by. Let me buy you a coffee to make up for it?”
The other guy seems surprised by this offer, as his face turns confused, eyes wide open.
“You really don’t have to,” he starts saying, but Mark interrupts him.
“I want to, though. Come on, we still have two hours until the bus comes. You won’t say no to free coffee, right?”
He tries for a smile, and finds himself relieved when it’s returned by the guy.
“Sure,” he says finally. “Thank you.”
Mark nods, and starts walking towards the cafe, waiting for the guy to fall into step with him.
“I’m Mark, by the way,” he says as they’re walking.
“Jeno,” the other says, still smiling. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“I’ve never met anyone with the same coffee order as me,” Jeno says later at the cafe, looking at Mark in awe. “I’ll have the same.”
The barista makes a face, but nods anyway before turning around to prepare their drinks.
Mark stares at Jeno in surprise. “Really? You’re serious?”
Jeno grins, and nods in excitement. “Usually people think I’m joking when I tell them I drink my coffee with lemon. My best friends says it’s an abomination of a drink. He’s kinda prickly when it comes to coffee, I guess.”
Mark can’t help but laugh. “Same here,” he says. “I’ve been drinking it like this for years, though. It’s so good.”
“I feel like we were destined to meet,” Jeno says, staring at Mark in wonder.
Mark stares back, full of amazement, adoration, fascination.
- As if you understand what’s going on,
It’s different every time; and that’s what makes it so hard.
Sometimes, Mark remembers Jeno perfectly clearly: the shape of his mouth, his eyes and the exact shade of their color, the way his hand feels in his, and how his laugh sounds in his ear. But other times, Jeno is nothing more than a fleeting memory in the back of his head, only appearing once he comes face to face with the man himself.
Sometimes the love he feels for the other is so intense he doesn’t know what to do with himself, and other times it just slowly builds up over time, that he finds himself mid-life, longing for someone he hadn’t known existed until then.
Meeting Jeno right now, in the middle of the grocery store, with a huge watermelon in his hands, feels exactly like that.
“Do you need help with that?” he asks him, smirk plastered all over his face.
Mark stumbles and barely keeps the watermelon in his arms.
“Oh,” he says, staring at Jeno in awe. “No?”
Jeno laughs. “Are you sure?”
He holds up a shopping basket, pushing it towards Mark. Only now does Mark notice that Jeno is wearing a uniform of the store, fully clad in an apron with a name tag as well. When Mark doesn’t answer, Jeno comes forward and holds the basket underneath the watermelon, just at the right time, for it falls out of Mark’s hands and into the basket.
Jeno chuckles, and holds the basket on his handles, putting them into Mark’s hands.
“Here you go,” he says, friendly smile on his face as he does so. “Let me know if you need help with anything else.”
He leaves, probably to help someone else in the store, and all Mark can do is stare after him, still flabbergasted.
He comes back to the store almost every day after that. Jeno doesn’t seem to mind.
- and you’re making up for all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn’t exist,
“Mark?”
Mark looks up from his laptop to send a questioning look towards his boyfriend.
“Yeah?”
“Nothing,” Jeno says, grinning. “I just love you.”
- and the ones where we just, barely, never meet.
“Is this a new trend I’m not aware of?” the barista asks as she punches in Mark’s order.
“What do you mean?” Mark says, confused. He swipes his card through the machine, and takes the receipt when it’s offered to him.
“The guy before you just ordered the same thing. Black coffee with lemon juice inside.”
Mark pauses in his movements. A strange feeling takes over. Could it be…?
“Where–” Mark starts, looking around in bewilderment. “What did he look like?”
The barista gives him a strange look, but motions towards the exit anyway.
“I don’t know, dark hair, your age maybe? Left a few minutes ago.”
She hands him a cup of coffee; lid on top of it. He grabs it, hands burning slightly from how hot it is.
“Thank you,” he rushes out, before storming out of the cafe. He turns to look to both directions, but there’s no one that matches the description of the barista, nor the face that Mark has in mind.
Jeno is long gone.
- I hate those. I prefer the ones in which you kill me.
“Prince Mark,” the man speaks in a low tone, and he looks down at Mark from atop his horse. “You are a long way from home.”
His voice is icy, and Mark has to force himself not to duck his head.
Stand up straight, Mark. Johnny’s voice resonates in his head. You are the heir to the throne.
Thinking about his cousin was not something that Mark should do right now. He swallows the grief and clears his head.
Mark straightens his back, and tries to look more intimidating than he feels. He wishes he still had his sword at least, but he’s not only completely unarmed, but he doesn’t even have his horse either. All he has with him is a bag with provisions that were only going to last for a few more days, at most.
It’s a surprise this man has even recognized him without his entourage.
Surprising, but also dangerous, probably. With how vulnerable he is. It might have been a good idea to leave behind his uniform somewhere, as to not get recognized, but Mark feared the cold that was sure to come along his way, and despite signaling his status, the coat also provided a warmth that was more than welcome.
He stays quiet, gauging what the man is about to do next.
The man scans Mark carefully, before he raises an eyebrow.
“You don’t recognize me,” he states eventually. “I’m not surprised. It’s been more than ten years, after all.”
Mark furrow his brows, and looks at the other man again, this time more closely. Could it be a trick? A ploy to get Mark to trust him, only to get stabbed in the back? The man doesn't seem familiar at all, but that could also be because of the fact that Mark is terrible with faces.
The man is about his age, so that would make him abot 25 years old, and according to the man’s words, they would have met as teenagers, then. Mark can’t recall meeting a same-aged friend that resembled this man, but–
The man takesoff his helmet, freeing his dark hair from its cage which also results in his face being more visible.
Mark squints at him.
“Prince Jeno?”
The man shows the indication of a smile, eyes forming an almost moon shape, and Mark is certain that his assumption is right.
Lee Jeno, the prince of one of their allied kingdoms, the South Kingdom from across the country, had last been visiting with his family over ten years ago. Back then, Mark and he had sneaked out at nights to spend time at the lake. They had gotten into trouble with their parents for going out without supervision, but Mark had thought it had been worth it.
“I can’t believe it’s you,” Mark thinks out loud. “It’s been forever.”
Jeno comes down from his horse and nods, smile growing with each second.
“That it has,” he says. “What are you doing here all by yourself? The kingdoms have been in uproar, haven’t you heard? The West Kingdom has declared war on all of us.”
“I have,” he confirms grimly. “We were on our back to the North when we were ambushed.”
He quickly explains to Jeno what has transpired in those past few weeks since he left his kingdom to meet with allies a few towns over, and how he had not only lost his cousin, but his entire entourage. His survival had been due to a dead body on top of him, cowardice and pure luck altogether.
“I’ve been on my way home ever since,” Mark says. “I just hope my father has been made aware of all that’s transpired outside of the kingdom.”
“Very well,” Jeno says after listening to all of it. “I shall escort you back to the North Kingdom.”
Mark gapes at him.
“You will?”
“Of course,” he says, smiling that soft smile of his. “It will be like traveling with an old friend.”
He smiles, and motions Mark to step closer to his horse.
“I–” Mark is unsure what to say. “Thank you.”
Traveling with Jeno is both new and familiar at the same time. It’s not the first time they’ve ridden on a horse together, but it’s the first time the space on it seems so limited. Mark ends up wrapping his arms around Jeno’s waist most of the time they’re sitting.
Jeno is still the same nice boy from back then, Mark realizes quickly. He still laughs at Mark’s poor attempts at jokes, and his smile is still one of the nicest things Mark’s looked at. But at the same time Mark can see the years have been kind to Jeno: he’s broader than he’s ever been and he holds himself in a way that radiates maturity and confidence.
They share their food, their water and stories from back home.
Mark realizes he’s truly missed having Jeno around.
After a few more weeks, they finally approach the North Kingdom, the big castle at last in sight after all this time. Mark feels a weight drop from his shoulders, now that he can see the finish line.
“Thank you for your help, Prince Jeno,” Mark says, when they’re walking towards the castle doors by foot. “My kingdom will be forever in your debt.”
Jeno doesn’t answer, just takes the gratefulness with a modest nod.
When they’re only about a hundred meters away from the gates, Mark’s eye catches something that makes him stop dead in his tracks.
“Jeno,” he chokes out.
Jeno must come to a stop a few steps behind of him, for there are no more footsteps.
“Our flag, it’s been taken down–” Mark starts, but the rest of his sentence gets stuck in his throat as he’s suddenly hit by something on the back of his head. There’s a dull pain, and he finds himself on the floor the next second, disoriented and confused.
He blinks, trying to make sense of what’s just happened, when Jeno is crouching in front of him, a guilt-stricken expression on his face. He looks close to tears.
“I’m so sorry, Mark,” he says, voice barely above a whisper. “They said they’d kill my brother. I had to, I’m so sorry.”
He turns to look over his shoulder, and in the distance, Mark can make out horses that are riding towards them. Jeno pushes a strand of hair out of Mark’s eyes.
“Please understand,” he says urgently. “I’m sorry, I really am.”
Jeno’s crestfallen face is the last thing Mark sees before he finally blacks out.
- But when all’s said and done, I’d rather surrender to you in other ways.
“Jen?”
“I’m sorry for waking you,” Jeno whispers, voice shaky. “Go back to sleep.”
Mark sits up in bed, blinking the sleep away and turns on the lamp on his nightstand.
“Hey,” he says softly, pulling his boyfriend close to him. “What’s wrong?”
Jeno is shaking all over, taking deep breaths, and his bare arms are covered in sweat.
“I had a nightmare,” he says, leaning close to Mark, pressing his face into the others neck. “I hurt you.”
“Shh,” Mark soothes him, rubbing at arm around his frame in a slow motion. “I’m here, I’m fine, don’t worry.”
“No,” Jeno sobs. “You were hurt. I hurt you, I’m sorry.”
Jeno starts crying softly, his entire body shaking.
He apologizes over and over again, and all Mark can do is stroke his arms, trying to comfort him.
He wonders, for a brief moment, if Jeno remembers the other lives. But the thought is gone just as soon as it came, and the next morning Jeno shows no recollection of the dream whatsoever.
- Even though each time, I know I’ll see you again, I always wonder
“I’ll see you in a year,” Jeno says, a bittersweet smile on his face. “Don’t miss me too much.”
“Impossible,” Mark says, just like everytime. He tries not to choke on his words, but it’s hard with the way his throat closes up. He blinks away some tears as he flings his arms around Jeno’s neck and squeezes the other.
Jeno chuckles softly, but he hugs him back as tightly.
“It’s just two semesters,” Jeno murmurs into his ear. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
Mark nods, even though Jeno can’t see him.
They stay like that for a few more minutes, before Jeno has to leave.
He gives him one last wave, and then he’s off, backpack slung over his shoulder, beanie on his head.
Mark stares after him, longing.
- is this the last time?
“We can’t risk going outside.”
“I know, but if we stay another night, we won’t make it to the river by full moon.”
“We will. But we can’t leave in the middle of the night. Not when they’ve upped their patrols this much. We’ll have to wait until the morning.”
Jeno doesn’t argue, but Mark knows he’s not happy about it.
“I’m sorry,” Mark says, trying to soothe him. “But we have to be as safe as possible. You know that.”
“What if we miss the boat?”
Jeno sounds vulnerable, nothing like the intimidating boy Mark had met just six months ago. Mark had been on the run for about two months at this point, still just a rookie and clueless. He and Donghyuck had ran away from home after Donghyuck had been diagnosed with diabetis, sure that the diagnosis was something the Bosses would not tolerate in one of their “perfect citizens”. So they had taken off, and on the way they had run into Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun, who apparently had the same thought. Ever since, they had stuck together, desperate to make it to the boat that was promised to take them away from their village, to a city that was said to be free.
It’s crazy how much has changed since then, and how much he trusts Jeno now, despite him being nothing but a stranger back then.
“We won’t,” he says, grabbing Jeno’s hand in his. “I promise.”
Jeno still doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t say anything, just intertwines their fingers and puts his head on Mark’s shoulder.
Mark relaxes around him, and prays he can keep his promise.
- Is that really you?
He sees Jeno in a fleeting moment only, as he’s getting coffee. There’s a body moving quickly past the cafe window, dark hair and dark eyebrows, hidden by the collar of a brown coat, but Mark would recognize the other anywhere. He forgets the coffee, ignores the shout of the barista and quickly makes his way across the street to where the other man is walking.
This Jeno has a different walk; he holds himself in another way, his shoulders are tenser, jaw more clenched, and he doesn’t look both ways when crossing the street. He doesn’t have a backpack on his back, but a messenger bag slung over his shoulder instead. He looks nothing like the Jenos Mark has come to know, come to love. But Mark is still drawn to him. When the man stops in front of a bookstore, and checks his watch (Jeno doesn’t wear watches, Mark thinks), he must realize he’s being watched.
Mark stands a few feet away from him, staring at him in wonder.
“Hello,” Jeno says, voice as deep and smooth as usual. “Can I help you?”
Mark isn’t sure how to answer, but he has to know.
“...Jeno?”
Jeno’s eyes widen in surprise, a familiar yet strange facial expression on this man.
“Yes?” This Jeno answers, now a slight frown on his face. “Have we met before?”
Have we? Mark wonders. He can’t be sure. He’s the same Mark in all his lives, but what about Jeno? Is it really him, all the time? Can I really love someone I don’t know?
He already knows the answer to that question, and still…
“No,” he says, raising a hand in apology. “I’m sorry.”
Jeno looks confused, but he seems to be in a hurry, for all he does is shrug and turn to look at the bookstore instead.
Mark walks away from Jeno the first time here.
- And what if you’re already perfectly happy without me?
“This is Jeno,” Jisung says, pointing at his friend behind him. “Jeno, this is Mark.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mark,” Jeno says politely. “Jisung has spoken a lot about you.”
Mark stares at him in wonder, a familiar tingle going through his body upon seeing the other. Memories flash before his eyes, unfocused and unsorted, but deeply intimate the same. He doesn’t know why or how, but Mark is certain that he knows Jeno. Knows him in a way not a lot of people have the luck of knowing each other.
“Same,” he ends up saying, honest in a way Jeno might never know.
They sit down and chat, and Mark finds out that Jeno has only just recently graduated college and is starting a new position at a firm the next month.
“That’s exciting,” Mark remarks, pride filling his chest. “Congratulations!”
“Thank you,” Jeno smiles, cheeks heating up in a blush. “It feels like life is finally falling into place, you know?”
Mark wishes he could say yes, but he can’t, really. Not when all his life he’s been so incomplete, without even knowing why. Only now he knows what he’s missing all along, and yet Jeno seems so far out of his reach despite sitting right across from him.
“For you, maybe,” Jisung complains, rolling his eyes. “Some of us are still suffering through college.”
Jeno pats his back comfortingly.
“Two more years,” he says, “then you’ll be free.”
“I doubt I’ll have my life together the way you do,” Jisung snorts. “Not even after getting my degree.”
“Oh, come on,” Jeno pouts. “Don’t exaggerate.”
Jisung points a thumb towards Jeno while looking at Mark.
“He’s getting married in August,” he explains. “To his high school boyfriend.”
Jeno rolls his eyes, but Mark can tell how his gaze turns fond just thinking about it.
“You don’t get to complain about anything in your life ever again,” Jisung says. “You’re getting married, buying a house and getting a new job all before turning 25.”
“Wow,” Mark says, mouth open in awe. “You…congratulations.”
Jeno thanks him again, smiling his friendly, polite smile, but he seems to be lost in thought if his distracted smile is anything to go by.
“Some people just hit the jackpot,” Jisung shrugs. “Whatever.”
Yeah, Mark thinks. Whatever.
But the way Jeno seems so happy, so content…
He swallows down the bile in his throat and excuses himself.
It’s not like he will be missed.
- Ah, but I don’t blame you;
Seeing Jeno cry is a different kind of pain.
“I can’t, Mark,” he says, wiping away the tears that keep rolling down on his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
Mark can’t even say anything as Jeno walks out of the door, too broken to try.
He sits there, in their apartment, soon to be just Mark’s, and stares at nothing.
Life goes on.
- I’ll never burn as brilliantly as you.
It’s the sound of Jeno’s laughter that reaches him first, this time.
It’s carefree, and happy, as it should be.
When Mark finally sees him, Jeno is standing in the middle of the campus next to his friends, handing out pamphlets to other students.
Mark can’t help it, he walks up to him, ignoring the way Donghyuck yells after him.
“Hey,” Jeno says to him cheerfully. “Are you interested in joining our club?”
He hands him a pamphlet Mark accepts without looking at.
“Sure,” Mark says.
Jeno, if even possible, cheers up even more at that and starts talking about the clubs pros and cons that Mark is not really listening to. He simply stares at Jeno’s happy face, free of tears, filled with laughter lines.
So happy, and so untroubled.
“I’d like it if you joined us for our next meeting,” Jeno concludes his speech. “It’s on Friday, at noon.”
He points at the pamphlet again, and Mark nods, eager.
“I’ll be there.”
Jeno smiles one more time, and then turns around to speak to another student.
Mark doesn’t know how long he stands there, but it must be a few seconds until Donghyuck drags him a few meters away.
“What the hell, Mark?” Donghyuck says. “The Paranormal Activity Society?”
“What?”
Donghyuck stares at him incredulously, ripping the pamphlet out of his hand and holding it right into his face.
And yeah, there it is:
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY SOCIETY
Meets Fridays at Noon!
Next to the header, there’s a UFO, and on the UFO there are two aliens, who are waving at each other.
It’s almost cute, and Mark has to smile.
“You’re not really joining that club, are you?”
Mark takes back the pamphlet and puts it into his bag, careful not to crinkle the corners.
“I am.”
“What? Why?” Donghyuck whines.
He starts walking back to their dorm, in his mind replaying how Jeno had smiled at him when he had told him he’d come.
“Because I told him I would.”
- It’s only fair that I should be the one
It happens out of nowhere; which is why Mark is so shell-shocked in the first place.
They’re sitting on a couch on a Saturday evening, snuggled up between the pillows, watching the newest K-drama that was recommended to them by Jaemin. The couple on screen is getting back together after breaking up just the episode before.
“Wow,” Mark says, cheek resting on Jeno’s chest. “At this point there’s no use in even breaking up again. Might as well get married.”
Jeno laughs, and the sound causes Mark to feel the vibrations in his cheek. He hides a smile.
“You know what I realized,” Jeno says slowly, while his eyes are still fixed on the screen. “When we get married, we won’t even have to change our last names. Since we’re both Lee already, you know?”
Mark pauses, heart beating faster. He raises his head slightly, trying to look into Jeno’s face.
“When we get married?”
Jeno freezes, seemingly just realizing what he’s said as well. He meets Mark’s eyes carefully, as if gauging his reaction, the tips of his ears already turning an adorable red. Mark is pretty sure he’s blushing himself.
Despite dating for five years, marriage had never been a thing they had talked about, always cleverly avoided in talks, although their relationship was a serious one.
“I mean.”
Jeno clears his throat, and sits up.
“This is not how I wanted to do this,” he says, leaving Mark breathless. “Wait here.”
He’s gone in a second and all Mark can do is wait for him to come back, thinking about what the hell had just happened. Before he can collect his thoughts, however, Jeno returns, holding something in his hand.
He stands before Mark, awkwardly stepping from one foot onto the other, before eventually kneeling down. At this point, they’re eye to eye with how Mark is still sitting on the couch, shell-shocked and wide-eyed.
Jeno opens the small box, revealing a ring.
Mark gasps silently, and sits up in a haste, leaning forward.
“I wrote like 20 speeches in my head, preparing for what I wanted to say, but all I can think about right now, is that if the rest of my days are spent exactly like this one, with you in my arms, on this ratty couch, I would be the happiest man on earth,” Jeno says, voice shaky. “I love you so much, Mark.”
There’s a pause where the two just stare at each other, both with tears in their eyes. It’s so ridiculous and perfect, that Mark has to stifle a shaky laugh, and soon Jeno joins him.
“I love you, too,” Mark says, because he can’t not say it back.
Jeno laughs again, box still in his hands, eyes focused on Mark.
He speaks again, asking the question Mark would have never thought he’d hear tonight:
“Will you marry me?”
- to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes
“Peach?”
“No.”
“Cookie?”
“No.”
“Um….Cherry!”
“No.” A pause. “Do we have to name our dog after a food?”
“I mean, no. But it’d be cute?”
“No, Mark.”
“You could help, you know.”
Jeno laughs.
“You’re the one who said no to all of my suggestions.”
“Because I’m not gonna be naming him Buddy. Everybody’s dog is named Buddy!”
“Because it’s a cute name.”
“Because it’s convenient, if anything.”
“There’s nothing bad about that.”
“Okay, what about Lemon?”
“Is he going to be yellow or…?”
“You’re being so difficult…”
Jeno laughs again, poking Mark in the side.
“No more foods.”
“...Okay, what about Zeus?”
“That’s just going to make me think of your cousin.”
“You’re right, um. What about Thor?”
“...I don’t hate it?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, kinda cute. Thor.”
“Come here, Thor!”
“Sounds cute when you say it.”
“You say it too.”
“He’s not even here yet, why should we practice it?”
“So we know how it’s gonna sound!”
“Um.” A sigh. “Thor, come here, buddy!”
“Oh, you just had to add in the buddy, didn’t you?”
“It just slipped out, what can I say…”
“Whatever. I guess Thor is cute.”
“So we finally have our name?”
“I guess so.”
“That took us like a month, how are we gonna be when we get our first child?”
“…”
“Um. I’m sorry, I–”
“No, no, please, I–”
“I didn’t mean to–”
“No, I want that too. Someday.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, cool. Um.”
“I mean, not now, but like. In the future.”
“Yeah, no, totally. Same.”
“Okay. That’s. Nice.”
“Yeah.”
“So…Thor.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
- until I find the one where you’ll return to me.
His hair is brown, and he’s in Mark’s seat.
“I’m Jeno,” he says, smiling. “But I think you already know that.”