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“Comrade Tank!” Nikolai shouted from across the sanatorium as he was being chased by a dozen zombies, “get that trap ready fucking now!”
“Nearly there…” Tank replied, as he strung a tripwire across the long hallway. Takeo tied the final knot and armed it with a cluster of fragmentation grenades.
“Armed and dangerous!” Takeo announced, stepping back from the trap.
“Alright, Nikolai. Bring’em this way! Be sure to jump over the wire!” Tank shouted.
“Why do I always have to do the running?!” Nikolai complained from across the courtyard as the zombies pursued him ferociously.
“‘Cause you’re like a five star vodka mixer that brings all the boys to the yard!” Tank replied, nearly causing Takeo to blow the water he was drinking out of his nose.
“FUCK YOU, DEMPSEY!” Nikolai screamed, picking up pace as he spotted the wire. The zombies behind him raged and spat. “Next time,” he added before hopping over the wire, “you can be one of those American happy meals!”
Tank and Takeo watched the scene from behind cover. Everything was going according to plan… until Nikolai’s boot came untied causing him to wipe out.
“FUCK!” Tank shouted as he left cover to help his friend.
The zombies were nearly at the wire.
“FUCK!” Nikolai cursed, briefly looking back.
Tank grabbed Nikolai by the collar and the two men ran madly for the cover.
“Fuck!” Takeo exclaimed as the trap exploded, sending zombie body parts flying in all directions.
***
“Oww, shit.” Tank groaned as he sat up from the floor. “Nikolai, you alright, man?”
“Da. I forgot to double knot my boots,” Nikolai answered breathlessly. “Might’ve caught some shrapnel, but nothing serious.”
“You should start a collection,” Tank quipped.
“Badass idea, comrade,” Nikolai replied, propping himself up on his elbows.
“I can’t believe you are alive! In one piece!” Takeo exclaimed upon finding the two men.
“Don’t act so disappointed, would ya?” Tank grinned as he took Takeo’s hand and stood.
“Bastard,” Takeo laughed as he and Tank helped Nikolai retreat back to camp: Richtofen’s temporary lab.
***
Takeo rang the small bell at the doorway, alerting Richtofen to their presence. The three men could hear the German doctor humming along to his record player, probably elbows deep in who knows what.
“Afternoon, Edward!” Takeo shouted over the big band music. He hadn’t made it this far to die from friendly fire.
“Welcome back!” Edward replied before turning off the music. “I was just updating my lab notebook and enjoying some coffee. You wouldn’t believe the pattern I’ve noticed in these corpses lately: shriveled spleens and misshapen pineal glands! This could only mean…”
“Something fascinating I’m sure,” Tank interrupted. “Nikolai needs to be patched up.”
“Oh, really?” Richtofen replied, slamming his lab notebook closed, “I get a living patient today? How fun!” Before standing, he downed his cup of coffee.
“He’s going to take my favorite kidney and sell it,” Nikolai muttered in Tank’s ear.
“He means well,” Tank replied as he helped Nikolai sit on his cot. He then collapsed in exhaustion onto his own bed a meter away.
“Besides, the value of kidneys has gone down,” Richtofen explained as he put on gloves. “But the value of a good cutman? Well that’s never going down, my friend. But alas. To business. Where did you get hit?”
“Mostly the back,” Nikolai grunted as he removed his shirt. “The explosion was behind me.”
“Better than the front!” Richtofen replied optimistically. He winced as he examined
the shrapnel lodged in the Russian’s muscular back. “There are five shards that must come out. I’ll work fast.”
Nikolai nodded, bracing himself for the inevitable, but familiar pain.
“Hey Nikolai,” Tank asked, “What part of the USSR are you from?”
“Your conversational timing needs desperate help, comrade,” Nikolai growled, his head in his hands while Richtofen treated his wounds.
“I’m tryn’ to distract you, dumbass,” Tank replied. “It was either that or offer to hold your hand. Figured you would prefer this instead. So. Where are you from?”
“Russia… small village outside Stalingrad,” he replied. “Very rural and quiet.”
“Sounds nice,” Tank replied. “What was your occupation before this shit show?”
“My wife and I were wheat farmers,” Nikolai explained.
“So more sickle than hammer?” Tank asked teasingly.
Nickolai laughed. “Da. It’s true! I would die if I had to work indoors for eight hours a day.”
“I would die if I was stuck outside,” Richtofen chimed in.
“What, you don’t tan?” Tank smiled.
“No,” Richtofen shook his head very seriously, “not at all.”
“Argh, fuck!” Nikolai exclaimed in pain, “what did I ever do to you!?”
“Try to stay still, I’ve almost got it,” Richtofen reassured his distraught friend. “There!” He exclaimed after a couple seconds, holding up a twisted, bloody fragment of metal.
“Are you done now? I think I’m going to pass out,” Nickoli groaned.
“You should have told me earlier. I have just the thing!” Richtofen responded cheerfully, pulling a small cylinder from his pack and jabbing it into Nikolai’s thigh.
“Just kill me, why don’t you!” Nickolai shouted.
“What did you just inject him with!?” Tank implored aggressively.
“A prototype! I call it… a stim shot! It kills infection, pain, and speeds healing. Basically, it cures 90% of the human condition!” Edward explained proudly.
“Almost as good as vodka!” Nikolai mused in amazement. “Thanks!”
“My previous estimates were wrong, maybe it’s more like 60%…” Richtofen added. “And you’re welcome, my friend.”
Nikolai grinned and put his shirt, coat, and hat back on before leaving to join Takeo by the fire.
Tank stayed behind, sitting up to stretch his stiff shoulders. His upper back popped noisily as he arched his chest and extended his arms back.
“Thanks for working on him, doc,” Tank stated, breaking the silence.
“I’m just glad my prototype worked,” Richtofen laughed. “I tested the first formulation on myself and it caused a debilitating migraine!”
“Wait,” Tank smiled, “is that why you sabotaged our power last week? You couldn’t take a little light?”
“That was a squirrel, Dempsey,” Edward replied defensively, “a squirrel cut the power.”
“Sure…” Tank replied, unfooled by Edward’s ruse. “Whatever it was it doesn’t matter. I’m glad you’re on our side, man.”
“Me?!” Richtofen exclaimed, “you’re causing an explosion of serotonin in my brain right now. I feel like… I belong!”
“You do, ya lunatic. You do,” Tank replied with a smile on his face.