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“I believe this is what they call being in pickle…” Richtofen mused as he sat against the wall of a sterile white cell looking at Nikolai. He sighed. So many things to hate about Verrückt.
“Pickles are supposed to be good,” Nikolai grunted, “this is SHIT!”
“Calm down, my friend,” Takeo counseled from the adjacent cell. “Our escape is only a matter of time.”
“I’m getting hungry,” Tank snarled from the corner of the cell he shared with Takeo.
It was at this moment that Takeo knew his luck had run out. When Tank got hangry, it was everybody’s problem. “Does anybody have something that Tank can eat?” Takeo asked the group.
“I will search!” Richtofen shouted in reply as he checked all his pockets and his backpack. Nothing. Not even a scrap of that nice cheese he bought a week ago. He slid his back down the wall and sat his ass down on the cold cement floor in silent defeat.
“What about you, Nikolai?” Takeo hissed.
“I would never withhold rations from a comrade in need,” Nikolai replied. “I ran out this morning.”
Takeo shook his head. “This is not good.”
Suddenly, a door swung open and a zombie entered the hallway of the cell-lined corridor. Instinctively, Tank, Takeo, Nikolai, and Richtofen moved away from the barred portion of the cell to put as much distance between them and the brain-eating beast as possible.
They watched in silence as the zombie, dressed in a nurse’s uniform meandered aimlessly down the hallway. A silver key dangled on a chain around her neck.
“I have an idea!” Richtofen hissed, grabbing Nikolai’s arm.
“I’m not going to be zombie bait ever again!” Nikolai whispered back, “that shit hurts!”
“No! I would never ask that of you. But this task? This is right up your alley!” Richtofen claimed.
“Alright, go on,” Nikolai smiled.
Richtofen whispered his plan in Nikolai’s ear, causing the Russian to smile maniacally. “You got it?”
Nikolai laughed, “da. You are a madman.”
“Let’s see if the kind nurse agrees!” Richtofen whispered, hopping to his feet and walking over to the door of the cell. “Nurse!!” He shouted in German, “I’m dying! HELP!”
Nikolai roared in laughter.
The key-bearing zombie turned around and made her way back to the cell door. Richtofen grabbed the key and pulled it through the bars. “Alright, Nikolai, this is your time to shine!”
Richtofen handed the still-attached key to Nikolai. The Russian braced his foot up against the cell and pulled.
“Almost! Keep pulling!” Richtofen encouraged.
“Stupid chain won’t break!” Nikolai grunted. The zombie flailed it’s arms uselessly as Nikolai forced its chest against the bars.
“It has to or we’re screwed!” Richtofen screamed.
Nikolai knew Richtofen was right. He took a deep breath and pulled the chain hard, this time bracing both of his feet against the bars. He cursed the zombie in Russian as he pulled for all that he was worth.
Richtofen watched the spectacle in delight, wondering whether the chain or the zombie’s vertebral column would give way first.
With a metallic snap, the chain broke sending Nikolai straight to the floor, key in hand.
“Hell yeah!” the Russian soldier cheered, dusting himself off as he stood from the floor. He high-fived Richtofen and popped open the cell door forcefully in order to trap and dispatch the zombie.
Nicolai whistled and strutted along arrogantly to Tank and Takeo’s cell. He released the lock and stood in the door frame with a big grin on his face.
“How did you get that key?” Tank asked in disbelief as he exited the cell after Takeo.
“I had to use my charms to get it from the nurse,” Nikolai winked.
“That is categorically false!” Richtofen exclaimed.
“Whatever you two did, good work,” Tank commended, patting Richtofen on the back. “Now help me find some food.”
“On it!” Nikolai replied. He knew the clock was ticking and time was not on their side. “Come on, Edward. You know about hospital schematics, right?”
“This place no longer qualifies as a sanatorium… it’s a madhouse! Your guess is as good as mine!” Richtofen replied. “But I’ll help nonetheless. Let’s start at the nurse station. That’s where they have chocolate hidden sometimes.”
Nikolai shrugged, it was worth a try.
*** 1 hour later ***
“Are you joking?” Takeo inquired looking at the pile of chocolates on the table.
“It’s the only thing that the zombies didn’t eat,” Nikolai explained. “In life, they hoarded the treats instead of sharing. Turns out, they got so good at hiding their candy, their undead brains just couldn’t remember where to look.”
“Works for me,” Tank replied as he grabbed a handful of the German chocolates. He sat down in the corner of the room and enjoyed the sweets in quiet.
“I haven’t had Mozartkugel in years,” Richtofen stated before eating one of the candies. “Sheisse, it’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten! Try one, Nikolai!”
Nikolai examined the chocolate with suspicion before popping it into his mouth. “Not bad,” he declared.
Takeo stood by the door trying to look busy.
“Help yourself,” Tank offered, “don’t know when we’ll come across more rations next.”
“I’ve had those before,” Takeo replied as if he were about to detail a grisly war experience. “It nearly destroyed me.
“Takeo, you really do have what they call a flare for the dramatic,” Nikolai taunted in between chocolates.
“I would rather starve than let those delicious morsels from hell turn my guts inside out again,” Takeo explained.
“Say no more!” Richtofen explained. “Diarrhea and gastrointestinal distress have brought even the strongest armies. It’s nothing to play around with.”
“Fucking DAMMIT, Edward!” Dempsey shouted, “don’t talk about SHIT while I’m eating CHOCOLATE!”
Richtofen cringed and turned to Takeo and Nikolai, “I thought you said he gets nicer once he eats!? Why is he still mean?”
“There’s no telling, comrade,” Nikolai consoled, taking Richtofen under his arm. “No telling.”