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"The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater."
- J.R.R. Tolkien
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The end of the Fourth Shinobi World War brought happiness, peace, and relief for the village. Loved ones were reunited, families were together again, and as the village got itself back on its feet, there seemed to be life in the air again.
Not everyone could enjoy it, however. You didn’t.
You went home alone after the war. You went home without your older brother, without him by your side, and without a smile on your face. You went home alone.
Others cheered, others ran to their families and cried in relief. You went home to an empty house. The house that you and your mother shared until she passed a few years earlier, the house that your brother moved into to keep you company.
It was empty once again.
The first couple of weeks after the war and after the service held for the fallen soldiers, you hardly slept. You didn’t. You woke up every night screaming since you got home. Screaming until your throat burned, reliving the moment you found Genma laying dead on the battlefield. You had screamed over his body then, shaking him and telling him to wake up. And you screamed now, the memory scarred into your brain like a bad tattoo.
So when you couldn’t see anything else besides Genma’s bloodied body whenever you closed your eyes, you got out of bed, threw on a jacket, and made your way to his grave.
You would sit in the dewey grass in front of his stone, flowers from you and his friends surrounding it. The night was always quiet and still and cold. You did nothing but sit and stare, your knees pulled up to your chest and ignoring the coldness that filled your bones.
Sometimes you cried, silent and still. Other times you buried your head in your hands and sobbed, knowing there wasn’t anyone around to hear you. The emptiness in your heart made it impossible to ignore, and there wasn’t a point anyway. To try and minimize the pain and heartache was pointless when it was so glaring. When it drowned out every other thought, every other feeling you had. When it sat like a brick on your chest.
Most of the time you just sat and stared, thinking about nothing except the pain. Thinking about nothing except your brother. The only person you had left. He would be livid if he knew you spent every night out here mourning him, though you felt so suffocated by his loss that you wouldn’t hear him if he was here.
And you found yourself at his grave again tonight. It was colder out than you had expected, but you didn’t mind. You usually didn’t feel it anyway.
Sitting in the wet grass and pulling your knees up to your chest, you took notice of the crystal clear night sky. It reminded you of when you and Genma would sneak up onto the roof of your house and find constellations, talk about school, talk about friends, talk about everything. He was two years older than you, and he used to give you tips from when he was in the academy. He would tell you which teachers were harder than others and what classes you could breeze by in. You were always thankful for those chats. It made you closer.
Then you would lay in the silence of the village, staring up at those stars and relishing in the quiet.
“Sometimes I think Dad’s up there,” Genma would say. “And I think he’s watching over us.”
Even though Genma was only two years older, he had accepted your father’s death better than you had. You were only five years old after all, but he had helped you through those hard emotions and feelings. You understood, then, what it meant to be a shinobi. How quickly life could be taken away for the sake of the village.
And then when your mother passed away from a horrible sickness, Genma held you close as you cried over her grave. “She’s up there, in the stars. She’s with dad. She’s watching over us. They both are,” he would say to you.
Now, as you sat at Genma’s grave, looking up at the stars, you wondered if they were all together. If they were all watching over you.
You crumbled, sobs overtaking you at the thought. Everyone is gone. Everyone left me. I’m alone.
You sobbed and sobbed, and soon you were laying over Genma’s grave, shaking from your cries and the cold
You didn’t want your family to be in the stars. You wanted them here.
Although after a while your cries died down, your shaking got worse and worse. The temperature was dropping lower, too low for what you were dressed in. But you couldn’t seem to care. Even as your lips turned numb, even as your muscles screamed in pain.
You started to drift off into sleep, not being able to fight it with how desperately your body needed it. You would fall asleep at your brother’s grave if it meant you could be closer to him somehow.
Sudden warmth broke you out of your slumber but your eyes stayed closed. You couldn’t tell if it was a dream or not as arms wrapped you up, held you firm, and pressed fingers to your neck. Were you alive? You supposed you didn’t care. You just cherished the warmth, the steady movements of whoever held you, the smell of rain and clean laundry. If it was a dream, you wanted to keep dreaming it, so you just let the person take you away.
But when you woke in your bed the next morning, you realized it wasn’t a dream. You didn’t bother to care about who might have carried you home.
———
You dove right back into missions as soon as you could after the war. You took every single one available and you didn’t slow down. Anything you could get, you took. You didn’t care if you were overworked. Anything to get your mind off of the pain, the emptiness, the depression.
Every time you found yourself in the Hokage’s office for a mission meeting, you kept your eyes down and away from him. The Rokudaime. The one who had to pry your screaming self off of Genma’s body during the war.
Kakashi was a friend, though he was closer to Genma. Probably because of experience, but over the years you had grown close to him as well. You had become friends with all of Genma’s friends, and they treated you like family. And all of them tried to reach out to you after Genma’s death. Even Kakashi. You didn’t return it. It hurt too much.
So every time you stood in his office with your other squad members by your side, you didn’t dare meet his eyes. For what reason, you didn’t really know. Embarrassment, shame, to show indifference. And every time you turned around to leave his office, you felt his eyes burning into your back. You ignored it of course, trying to occupy your mind with the details of the mission.
You took so many missions that it border-lined impressive and concerning. But even though it was after the war, shinobi were still needed for regular missions. So you took all of them and volunteered for more. People even asked you to fill in for them because they knew you would say yes in a heartbeat. You didn’t spend more than a night in your sad, empty house because you would be out of the door the next morning to see what missions were available.
You were walking away from the mission desk one day just after getting a report stamped when you heard your name being called out.
You turned around, Iruka running down the hallway to catch up with you. You turned to greet him as normally as you could, though these days you barely spoke to him.
He looked at you concern in his eyes and you already knew what kind of conversation it would be. Your mental state immediately twisted concern with pity, and you found yourself irritated before Iruka even spoke.
“Hey…how are you?” Iruka gave a forced smile, but you saw right through it. You were already telling yourself a story as you looked at him.
He pities me. He wants to feel bad for me.
“I’m fine Iruka,” you answered back, not bothering to try and force a smile yourself. “How are you?”
Iruka reached up to rub his neck nervously. “Oh, I’m great. Um…”
He sighed. “You’ve…been at the mission desk a lot lately…and well, pardon me if I’m overstepping but…it seems like you take almost every mission that’s available,” Iruka spoke quietly to you. “I just wanted to check in—“
“What do you mean, Iruka?” You tried to feign a smile. “I’m not taking any more missions than anyone else.”
Iruka’s frown deepened, and he said your name like he was scolding one of his students. “I just want to reassure you that you’re allowed to take a break every once in a while—"
“I’m not a child, Iruka,” you snapped at him suddenly, and his mouth parted in shock. “I don’t need you to tell me I’m working too hard or too much. I know my limit.”
Iruka stepped closer to you, saying your name with a stern tone. “I know you’re not a child. But you just fought in a war, you just lost your brother—“
“If you’re going to stand here and pity me, then I’m leaving,” you snapped again, your voice louder than you had intended. “I’m fine, Iruka. Go feel bad for someone else.”
You turned on your heel and stormed away, tears welling in your eyes as you quickly beelined around the corner—
You rammed straight into someone, and you almost didn’t bother to apologize when you caught sight of the white robe.
Shit shit shit.
You glanced up quickly to affirm who you thought it was, and there stood Kakashi Hatake, adorned in his Hokage attire, looking down at you with suspicion. You were stunned, but when a tear fell down your cheek you backed up and quickly bowed to hide your face.
“My apologies, Lord Sixth,” you forced out through your tight throat. Then you quickly darted around him before he could say anything to you.
The tears fell out of your eyes of their own volition, and you were practically running as you made your way out of the doors. You immediately hopped up onto the rooftops, choking out sobs and falling apart at the seams.
You landed on the roof of your house and fell onto your knees as you cried and cried. Why did you snap at Iruka like that? He had just been trying to help, checking in on you like a good friend. But you saw the look in his eyes. You just didn’t want any pity. You didn’t want to talk about it. You just wanted it to go away. And the words just fell out of your mouth on their own.
You laid on the roof until the sun set, until the sky was littered with glittering stars. You listened to laughing children as they ran down the street, your neighbors talking to one another about how well the village was getting back on its feet, the breeze blowing through the trees and making the leaves’ whispers fill the air.
Were you working yourself too hard? Were you trying to forget Genma? No, of course not. You would never forget your brother. You would never want to. You just wanted the pain to go away. And the more you occupied yourself with missions, you noticed that the pain just…lessened. It didn’t go away, it just seemed to let up for a while. And it was fine.
You were fine. You would be fine.
———
You were leading a team of chunin on a pretty easy escort mission, only about two days. You didn’t bother listening too closely to Kakashi’s instructions as he went over the details. You had done this what felt like a thousand times, so you just stared a hole into his desk and pretended to be alert. The two chunin stood next to you, however, listening intently to Kakashi’s words.
Maybe you should have been too, but you just didn’t have the energy. In fact, you couldn’t seem to focus on anything these days, spacing out for what seemed like several minutes, sometimes hours. You just…went away from your mind sometimes. During missions, you were alert and energized. But at home and around the village…it felt like you were watching yourself outside of your body.
But you would focus on the mission. Again, you didn’t really need to be listening right now, the mission would go without a hitch as long as—
The sound of your name from Kakashi’s mouth broke you out of your thoughts, and you looked up at him.
“…just wait outside for her and she’ll be with you soon. It won’t take long.”
Shit, did he realize you weren’t paying attention? Kakashi wouldn’t care about something like that. He had to know that this type of mission was a piece of cake for you. But as your squad members made their way out of the room, you and Kakashi stared each other down until the door clicked shut.
Kakashi sat down in his chair. You noticed he was wearing his regular uniform and not his Hokage attire. Maybe he didn’t care for it. Was the Hokage hat uncomfortable you wondered? Your mind raced with thoughts to distract your mind from the nervousness that was threatening to take over. Because really, you were wondering why Kakashi wanted to talk to you alone.
He stared at you, eyes scanning you over with what felt like scrutiny. That stupid mask always made it so hard to tell what he was really thinking. But maybe that was the point. Regardless, you averted your eyes and shifted your feet nervously
Kakashi then leaned over his desk, propping his chin up with his hands, still observing you and not saying a word. You cleared your throat, the awkward silence becoming a bit too much. You almost spoke up yourself but he was the Hokage, and he was the one that wanted to talk to you. You just continued to look down and then back up at his eyes while you waited for him to start.
“You’ve been taking a lot of missions lately,” Kakashi said simply.
You waited for him to continue, but he stared at you like he was waiting for you to say something.
You cleared your throat again awkwardly. “Y-Yes, that’s right, Lord Sixth—“
“Ah, don’t call me that,” Kakashi interrupted you with the wave of his hand, and you could see the wrinkles by his eyes crinkle slightly as he gave a small smile. “It’s strange coming from you. Actually, it’s strange coming from everyone. I’m still not used to it.”
It’s strange coming from you, he said. Speaking to you like an old friend. It made your stomach feel hollow, the familiarity in which Kakashi was speaking with you. It was like you were with Genma again, talking to his friends and joking around with them. It was too much like before and your brain started to feel far away again.
“Do you need something from me, Lord Sixth?” You asked, ignoring his request for you to call him by his first name.
While you didn’t look at his eyes, you could feel Kakashi frown and you started to panic. You didn’t want to have this conversation, you didn’t want to talk about it, you didn’t want to talk about Genma and you didn’t want to talk at all.
Kakashi sighed out through his nose, and he let his hands drop to his desk as he folded them. “You’ve been taking a lot of missions, lately. Have you taken any breaks?”
“Yes,” you answered immediately. You started to feel suffocated and wanted to get the hell out. “Will that be all?”
Kakashi said your name in this stern and serious tone, and you looked up to meet his eyes. It made your throat tense, emotion threatening to bubble up but you swallowed and forced it back down. He continued to stare you down.
“I mean, have you taken any actual breaks?” He said. “Like a few days of rest. You’ve been taking mission after mission for almost two months now.”
“Is there a problem with me taking a lot of missions?” You asked, though there was a slight edge to your voice that came out on its own.
Something flashed across Kakashi’s eyes. “No, but it can become a problem if you don’t take any breaks.”
You swallowed down emotion again. “I know my limit, Lord Sixth.”
“You said that to Iruka, too. But I’m not so sure that’s true.”
You felt frozen in place, your body burning with a mix of anger and anxiety and fear. Kakashi had heard you yell at Iruka that day before you ran into him in the hallway.
You quickly averted your eyes, wanting nothing more than to just leave. “I will take a break soon.”
There was a pause, and you just stared at the floor waiting for the Hokage to speak.
“Good,” he said finally. “That will be all. Good luck on your mission.”
You quickly turned on your feet and made your way to the door. Even after you left the room and met up with your squad members, you could feel Kakashi’s stare burning a hole into your back.
———
You got back from your escort mission in the dead of night. You sent off your squad members and told them you would take care of the report in the morning. Then, you made your way to where you seemed to spend most of your days.
Clear nights were common lately, and it was another night of laying next to Genma’s stone and staring up at the stars. The grass was cool and soft beneath you as you threaded your fingers through the blades and stared up at the sky.
You were so tired. You had encountered some bandits on the way back and while they had been easily taken care of, you still expelled more chakra than you had meant to. Not to mention you had to make it home and by the time you actually made it back, your chakra was exhausted. It had been reckless, but you didn’t really care.
So it was nice to lay down and stare up the stars and yearn for something you know you would never have again. It made you feel less lonely and so much more lonely at the same time.
If only you could lay here forever in the cool, dewey grass and just sit with the stars and pretend that you were with your family again. To feel less alone. Even if it was only a small, barely noticeable difference. If it would be less pain, then you would take anything you could get.
Though laying forever in the grass was not an option, so you would cherish it for now while you could. The cool air felt fresh, nice, you could almost describe it as warm. Warm? You felt warm. Was the air warm? Or was your skin warm? It was becoming hard to tell, but what did it matter really—
You felt a presence suddenly and you were on high alert, hand reaching for your weapon as you quickly sat up—
It was Kakashi.
You sighed out deeply, holding a hand to your rapidly beating heart. “Kakashi,” you said breathlessly. “Don’t do that.”
When you glanced up at him though, he looked blurry, fuzzy, almost glowing against the light of the moon. It was kind of funny. You also had addressed him by his name, probably a reflex but you didn’t bother to correct yourself.
Kakashi stood with his hands in his pockets, looking down at you with a blank stare. “You just got back from your mission.”
You found his tone annoying, and instead of standing up politely to greet him as you should, you just closed your eyes and laid back down in the grass. But really, you couldn’t do anything else besides that with how dizzy you were feeling.
“Yeah,” you answered finally, focusing on steadying the sudden vertigo. Had you sat up that fast? Or maybe you were more chakra-depleted than you thought.
“And you’re out here in the cold when you should be home, resting,” you heard Kakashi continue.
You frowned, your eyes still closed. “What are you doing out here anyway, Kakashi?”
“I should ask you the same.”
“I asked first,” you grinned. It was funny, you didn’t know the last time you had genuinely smiled. It felt strange, out of place, but the longer you laid down the more floaty and light you felt and it was nice. It was the best you had felt…well, since everything.
Kakashi said your name and something else, but he seemed too far away and echoey.
“Huh?” You mumbled. “Did you say something?”
But your voice sounded far away too. Whatever. Kakashi was probably just trying to bother you, tease you, and push your buttons like he used to.
Like he used to. Like how it was. With Genma. Before the war.
Your name became louder and louder in your ears, and suddenly you were being shaken back and forth by a strong grip around your shoulders.
Your eyes shot open, and Kakashi was kneeling above you, his eyes wide while he said your name over and over again.
“Wha…?” You mumbled, confused. “What’s wrong?”
Kakashi didn’t answer, just placed his gloved hand on top of your forehead. His hand was cold. It felt nice on your forehead. He sighed deeply out of his nose, and then he was kneeling farther over you, slinking his arm underneath your back and your knees. He pulled you up against him and stood, and you were floating in his arms.
Thank god Kakashi was carrying you because you couldn’t really feel your legs anyway. That would’ve been a disaster. The thought of you falling flat on your face made you giggle when a burst of wind whooshing by your face, Kakashi jumping up and across the rooftops of Konoha with you against his chest. It caused you to open your eyes, and the fast movements made you feel dizzy again.
Your eyes found their way to Kakashi’s face. He was looking ahead, his moonlight hair whooshing with the wind. He always looked so serious. Like right now, with that crinkle between his eyebrows. No, that was more concerned than serious. Was he upset? Probably stressed with Hokage duties no doubt.
His hair began to blend in with the sky so you closed your eyes and let the cool breeze cool down your ever-warming body. You did feel very warm and sweaty, and you were uncomfortable being so closely pressed against Kakashi. But it was better than walking, and he smelled like rain and laundry and it all felt so familiar but your thoughts were beginning to turn to mush.
Rain and laundry. Like that once night. Had he been the one to carry you home that night? Why was he always at the cemetery?
Your eyes closed, and in the distance, you heard words spoken so faintly.
“Genma would kill me if he knew you were like this. If he knew I let it get this bad.”
But all you heard was Genma and your chest hurt.
Kakashi dropped down and stopped finally, and you didn’t bother to open your eyes and see where he had stopped. Everything was suddenly loud and echoey again, and you heard voices and it smelled like antiseptic and it made you feel sick because it reminded you of seeing Genma’s body in the hospital with all of the other dead shinobi—
“She’s chakra depleted and has a pretty bad fever,” you heard Kakashi’s faraway voice say.
“Thank you, Hokage-sama. We’ll take care of it from here,” another voice said.
And then you were out of Kakashi’s arms and felt something soft beneath you like a cloud, but you were too tired to open your eyes to see what all the commotion was about.
The last thing you felt was a gentle finger against your sweaty forehead, brushing away the hair from your face, and you passed out.
———
When you woke up, you supposed your squad members had brought you to the hospital. You didn’t really remember. All you knew was you had been an idiot for wasting so much chakra because the last place you wanted to be was the damn hospital.
Yet here you were, staring out of the window and waiting for the end of the day until you could go home. It was a beautiful day, with blue skies and sunshine. The medic-nin had even opened the window for you to let the nice breeze in.
You heard the door slide open and expected a medic-nin, but it wasn’t.
It was Iruka.
You were shocked to say the least, and embarrassment immediately began to prickle up your neck. The last time you had spoken to Iruka, you had yelled at him like a child. But here he was, flashing that soft smile with those kind eyes.
“Hey,” he said while sliding the door shut. “I heard you were in the hospital.”
You swallowed and looked away while he began to walk over to your bed. “Yeah,” you sighed out.
Iruka sat on the end of your bed and you looked at him. He was smiling at you. He wasn’t mad at you. Of course, he wasn’t. Because Iruka was too kind and too forgiving. You were a terrible friend who yelled at him for no apparent reason—
“Here.”
You looked at the bento Iruka held out to you with a smile. Your lips parted to say something, but you couldn’t find the words. You just took the bento while Iruka began to speak. “I thought a fresh bento might be nice. You better be hydrating too, I heard your fever was pretty nasty.”
You blinked. “How did you—“
“Ah, you know how things travel through the grapevine,” Iruka chuckled. “And by the grapevine, I mean Anko.”
You huffed out a laugh and fiddled with the lid of the bento nervously. “How did Anko know?”
“Who knows,” Iruka sighed. “But she heard that you were passed out in the cemetery on your way back from a mission…”
The cemetery. That’s right, you had gone to the cemetery last night…or…how long had it been?
“…and it’s a good thing Kakashi found you when he did.”
You snapped your head up to Iruka. “What?”
“Yeah,” Iruka looked at you quizzically. “At least that’s what Anko told me. Do you remember?”
You tried to find the memory in your mind, but it was fuzzy and all mixed around. “Last night…when I got back from my mission—“
“You mean two nights ago,” Iruka interrupted.
No way. “Two nights ago?” You repeated.
Iruka nodded with a sympathetic smile. “Yeah…you were asleep for two days—what the hell are you doing?”
You set the bento down on the bed next to you and ripped off the thin sheet that lay across your body. I can’t be here. I’ve wasted too much time. I haven’t visited Genma in two days.
Fiddling with the IV in your arm and trying to find a way to rip it out, Iruka placed his hand over yours firmly. You stopped your urgent movements and looked up at him as he said your name.
“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked, eyes darting all over your face.
“I…I need to get out of here,” you said with panic. “I’ve been here too long.”
“You need to rest,” Iruka pleaded, his hand on yours giving you a squeeze. “You’re getting out of here tonight. But after that, you still need to rest at home.”
You didn’t respond, just stayed frozen and stared at the hand that embraced yours. Deep down, you knew Iruka was right. If your places were switched, you would’ve called Iruka crazy and stayed with him to make sure he wouldn’t leave. But there was a much bigger part of you that felt sick, panicked that you hadn’t gone to visit Genma’s grave in so long. And you were afraid that if it went on any longer, you would begin to feel too far away from him, that you might begin to forget his memory—
Your name, spoken softly and tenderly made you gasp, and a finger brushing over your cheek startled you.
Iruka looked defeated through the blurriness of your tears and as he wiped your cheeks. You didn’t even realize you had begun to cry, and you sucked in a harsh breath. “S-Sorry, sorry Iruka I don’t—“
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Iruka spoke, ducking his head down to try and meet your eyes. “Give yourself time to rest. To heal.”
To heal. To heal the wound on your heart that just seemed to keep bleeding and bleeding.
“You know, you never hung out with us after we all came home,” Iruka continued with a sad look. “You didn’t talk to anyone. You didn’t let yourself celebrate with the village.”
Those words made you want to snap at Iruka again. Celebrate? Celebrate what? How could you celebrate when you were alone? Why would you celebrate when Genma was gone?
“And I know…it’s hard to celebrate at all when so many people lost their lives when so many sacrificed for the village…”
Genma. Genma sacrificed himself and was brave until the very end.
“…but you didn’t reach out to anyone. To me, to Anko…not even Raido…or Kotetsu or even Izumo.”
Raido. Kotetsu. Izumo. Genma’s friends. Your friends.
“…All I’m saying is, just…” Iruka sighed, and then pasted on a smile. “Just take it easy, okay? Cut yourself some slack…and maybe talk to them. We miss you. And we want to be there for you.”
And when Iruka finally left the room, you wanted to sob and cry and scream and forget everything that he had just told you. Because you knew it was true, but you couldn’t handle facing that truth.
———
Genma had lots of friends, and because you two were close in age, you were friends with his friends too. Lots of nights spent playing cards, at the bars, late-night talks up on the Hokage mountain. If Genma was hanging out with his friends, you were automatically brought along.
And after your mom died, you and Genma got even closer once he moved in. Everything you did was together. You even went on missions together, leaving the village and coming back home together.
You fought in a war together. And Genma hadn’t come home.
After the service held for all of the lives lost during the war, Kotetsu and Izumo had found you. They told you how sorry they were and how they never expected to come home without Genma. They told you how they would always be there for you no matter what.
You told them thank you and left. And you hadn’t spoken to them since.
Iruka’s mention of them when he had visited you at the hospital made it impossible to shove them out of your mind as you had after the war. They had been nothing but kind like they always were, and you ignored them.
Every sign of them around the village, every time you spotted them at the mission desk, you quickly walked away or hid before they saw you. Same with Raido. Same with Anko. Same with Gai. Same with Iruka. Same with everyone.
It was just too painful. You saw Genma in them, their smiles, their eyes, their laughter. It reminded you all too much of the memories before the war, and it hurt you so much.
It hurt even more than when you were ignoring them. Because you knew they were grieving Genma, too.
Before, it had been easier to ignore everything. Now, after Iruka had mentioned all of your friends and the act of reaching out, your mind was constantly at war with itself. You felt so alone, so abandoned, yet you knew that reaching out to your friends would lift that burden. Though the thought of even being with your friends and the reminder of when he was alive seemed too painful to bear.
And you feared that even with being surrounded by your friends and the people you loved would leave you with the same loneliness.
So you took more missions. Longer missions. To be out of the village and clear your mind and figure everything out seemed like what you needed. You rested well enough after your short hospital visit, and then you were fully immersed again, your mind focused solely on whatever duty you had to fulfill.
And the dark, burning eyes of the Hokage became even harder to ignore every time you had to go into his office. But you did so anyway.
You were arriving back from a week-long solo mission, exhausted with aching bones. It was night, though the village was still lively as you entered the heart of it while making your way home.
The chatter, the laughter, the running children, and the nightlife of Konoha were a sight to see after the war. It was livelier than ever, and people took advantage of the post-war rush of joy. It was to be expected, though. It was nice to observe, you just chose not to participate.
All you wanted to do was get in bed and sleep as you weaved your way around people, your pack feeling more and more heavy on your back as you walked. As you passed the bar, hearing the loud voices pouring from the inside, you were flooded with memories of the many nights you spent there with your friends and your brother—
The yell of your name made you tense. It was a voice that had yelled your name a thousand times, usually followed by laughter or a terrible joke or something obscene, and before you could make a beeline down the street, a hand clamped down on your shoulder.
Your name said in a breathless sort of shock made you turn around and lookup.
“Oh,” you stared at your longtime friend. “What’s up, Raido?”
Raido looked down at you, eyes darting all over your face while he kept his hand on your shoulder. He said your name again in a tone all too familiar, and your throat got tight.
“Where have you been lately?” Raido asked. His cheeks were flushed from alcohol no doubt, and you could hear the concern laced underneath his casual tone.
“Oh…” you started, trying to sound nonchalant. “You know, I’ve gotten lots of assignments lately. I made jonin just before the war so…I gotta keep my status going.”
Raido kept looking at you with that shock, and it confused you. Why was he being so weird? Did you look that tired from your mission?
“I haven’t seen you…in forever,” he shook his head. “I mean, I literally haven’t seen you for months. Since—“
“Like I said,” you cut him off before he could say the war. “I’ve been assigned a lot of missions.”
Raido frowned down at you. “We…went to your house…and every time you were gone—“
Another yell of your name interrupted Raido, and you leaned to look around him. Kotetsu and Izumo jogged over, those stupid smiles on their faces they only made when they were drunk. Looking around the bar now, people sat outside, stood around, and mingled with friends. It was like everyone in the village was out and enjoying each other’s company.
“Dude, is that who I think it is?” Kotetsu chuckled, and suddenly you were being shoved into his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around you. “Where the fuck have you been, squirt? Shit, it’s been so long.”
You blinked and mumbled against his chest. “Hey, Tetsu…”
Another body rammed into you, and you knew it was Izumo because who else would it be. “Holy shit! Fucking reunited at last,” Izumo slurred. “You gotta come inside—“
And then you were being grabbed by the arm, dragged through people and they were heading for inside the bar and there was no way you could handle everyone talking to you and asking questions and you had no idea what to say or do—
“Tetsu,” you spoke up while yanking your arm away. You stood before the entrance of the bar, and both Kotetsu and Izumo turned around with innocent looks of confusion with flushed cheeks.
“I just…” you took a step back and grabbed the strap of your pack nervously. “I just got back…from a mission…and I need to rest.”
Kotetsu immediately smiled and stepped towards you. “Come on, one drink? We need to catch up, you know? There’s so much—“
“I can’t,” you said, and while people milled around and bumped into you, you took another step away from Kotetsu. Your chest felt heavy and you hated everything. “I’m sorry.”
But when you turned around, you slammed into a body and looked up. It was Raido with that concerned look from earlier. You panicked and sidestepped him and then you were cut off again.
“Wait! Let us…walk you home!” Kotetsu said. “We can chat on the way!”
You turned again and couldn’t help but laugh dryly, taking note of everyone’s flushed cheeks. “I think you might be the one who needs someone to walk you home.”
But your dry smile vanished as quickly as it came. “I’m fine. I’ll see you guys around.”
“Please, wait—“
“I can walk her home. You guys should go find some water.”
The presence that had popped up beside you suddenly made you jump, and you immediately felt the eyes of the Hokage burning a brand in the back of your head. You could smell him, feel him. You were completely surrounded by him. His presence had become so overwhelming to you because you knew he was watching your every move. Whether that was because it was his duty as Hokage or some other reason, you felt his eyes all the same.
“Alright…thanks Kakashi. See you, squirt.”
They left. And you were alone with Kakashi.
You quickly turned around and shouldered past him. “I don’t need you to walk me home. Thanks, though.”
But you knew he was following you as you weaved your way through the people again. “Ah, but I’m heading home, too. And I could use the company.”
You didn’t respond. And he didn’t say anything.
Kakashi walked beside you as you two made your way to your house. It was silent. It was awkward. You had no idea what to say. You felt like you barely knew this person that you were with right now, yet it was a person that you had basically grown up with. A person who you were close with at one point or another in your life. A person who knew you in a way that others didn’t.
A person who reminded you of Genma.
Once you were out of the crowd and off of the main street, it was quiet. Still. The moonlight and the streetlights lit the roads and distant voices echoed across the stores and apartment buildings. You held your pack tightly around the straps and didn’t dare glance at Kakashi who walked next to you. All you wanted was to get home.
“I don’t really get to see the village at night anymore. Usually, I’m in bed by this time.”
Kakashi’s voice cut through the silence, and it made you feel tense because you just didn’t know what to say. Though you had to imagine if you were Hokage, you would be getting as much sleep as you could.
So you just hummed in response and said nothing more.
“It reminds me of when I was a kid,” Kakashi continued, not caring for your lack of response. “Of when we were kids.”
This was not what you wanted to do right now. You had no intention of reminiscing or going down memory lane. Your stomach felt sick already.
Kakashi sighed out, and you heard the rustle of his clothing as he put his hands in his pockets. You stayed silent.
“Do you remember when we were teenagers? And we all used to ding dong ditch the houses down the road?”
A dry laugh huffed out of your mouth involuntarily. How could you forget? You used to cause so much mayhem with Genma and his friends, and one time you actually got caught. Genma and you never heard the end of it from your mother, but that didn’t stop you from doing it again. You remembered late nights with Kotetsu, Izumo, Raido, Gai, Kakashi…
You felt Kakashi’s eyes on you after you let out that small laugh, and you forced a straight face. “Yeah,” was all you said quietly.
“Now we’re old,” Kakashi teased, and you could hear the smile in his words.
Another breathy laugh escaped you. “With how much you hang out with Gai, I thought he would’ve rubbed off on you by now.”
“How so?” Kakashi questioned.
“He’s always going on about the springtime of youth,” you felt yourself smile. “So I would imagine he wouldn’t care of the mindset you have there.”
Kakashi chuckled, deep and genuine, and it made your chest flutter. “Ah, Gai is always reminding me that we really aren’t that old.”
“We’re not,” you said. “We still have…”
A lot of life left to live.
You didn’t know why you trailed off. Kakashi didn’t push you either. You were glad about that because you were already feeling a knot form in your throat, the tightness making your eyes sting.
And then you were standing in front of your house. Kakashi stopped but you kept walking, wanting to just get inside and forget this ever happened. You grabbed your keys from your pack and faced away from Kakashi.
“Thanks, Kakashi—“
“Have you taken any breaks?”
You paused with your key in the door at his words. You stayed facing the door, the stinging in your eyes growing. Why were you so emotional? Why was Kakashi making you want to talk? What about him made you feel like you bear your heart to him and spill everything you had been feeling the past few months, but also so angry and mad at him that you wanted to scream in his face?
Kakashi said your name, and you realized you hadn’t answered him. He also had stepped closer, and now he was standing right behind you. You panicked and quickly turned your key, opening the door and stepping inside to just slam the door in his face—
Except when you tried to shut the door, it stopped. You felt Kakashi hovering over you. He had stopped the door with his hand, and he said your name again, much more serious and quiet.
“Don’t do this.”
The anger took precedence.
“I…I don’t need your help,” you snapped and faced away from him halfway in the doorway. “I don’t need your help, or Tetsu’s or Raido’s or Izumo’s. I don’t need help and I certainly don’t need any of you to pretend to care. I don’t want your help.”
“Don’t—“
Yanking the door, it slammed shut and you pressed your back against the wood. You slapped a hand up to cover your mouth, and when you squeezed your eyes shut, the tears fell.
You felt Kakashi’s chakra on the other side of your door for a long time. You eventually slid to the floor, tears continuing to fall from your eyes and you wondered if he stayed because he felt you, too.
———
You ended up in the hospital two more times. You weren’t normally a reckless person, yet you kept acting like a fool, wasting chakra and not thinking clearly during missions. You were a mess. An emotional mess and you were not living up to your title as jonin. Slowly starting to crumble under the weight of everything.
So when you got summoned to the Hokage's office one day, you knew it wasn’t good. And as the door shut behind you and you were suddenly alone with Kakashi, the tension in the room was almost unbearable.
Kakashi sat at his desk. He looked like he always did, but you could see the circles under his eyes were much more pronounced than usual and his shoulders sagged a little lower, too. He sighed out and then cleared his throat.
“I apologize for the sudden meeting,” Kakashi folded his hands on top of his desk. “This won’t take long.”
You stared at him with a blank look, though inside you were trembling.
Kakashi stared at you with a blank look as well while he spoke. “I’m giving you three weeks off.”
Your eyes almost popped out of your head. “I beg your pardon?”
“I’m relieving you of duty for three weeks,” Kakashi repeated, eyes scanning you over carefully. He was watching your reaction which you were having a hard time concealing.
“Is it because of my last mission?” You steadied your voice. Your body was on fire. What could you have possibly done?
“No,” Kakashi answered, still watching you carefully. “You haven’t done anything wrong if that’s what you’re thinking.”
You swallowed. “Sir…is there a reason why? I would rather not be relieved of my duties.”
Because I don’t know what the hell I’ll do otherwise.
Kakashi didn’t answer right away. His dark eyes met yours for an intense moment, and you were becoming extremely nervous from the energy in the room.
But then Kakashi unfolded his hands and leaned back in his chair, gaze softening as he looked at you. “You have been taking a record number of missions for the last few months, and while I would normally praise someone for their dedication to their work and protecting the village, I can’t let you run yourself into the ground.”
Your skin erupted in heat as anger took over any sensible thought you could have had.
“Of course,” Kakashi smiled slightly under his mask. “I’m not only speaking as Hokage. I’m speaking also as your friend—“
“I really don’t think this is necessary, sir,” you spoke, and the panic slipped through your voice. “I’ll take fewer missions if it really is a problem—“
Kakashi interrupted you with your name, and you stopped talking.
He took a moment to scan you over again. You felt like you were about to explode. You knew what this was about. And you didn’t like it.
“I’ve seen this happen before,” Kakashi looked you dead in the eye. “To several shinobi. And I won’t let it happen again. Trying to get yourself killed to forget your pain—“
“Is that what this is about?” You snapped, feeling your jaw clench. “You think I’m trying to die?”
“You’re running away from your grief,” Kakashi’s voice dropped an octave. “And ending up in the hospital as much as you are for a shinobi of your caliber is concerning.”
Kakashi paused and drove a knife through your chest with his next words. “I can’t let you keep doing this to yourself. Genma would want you to take care of yourself.”
You saw red.
“Don’t,” you said through clenched teeth. “Don’t tell me what Genma would want. Genma isn’t here. He’s dead.”
Kakashi eyed you carefully through a tense silence, unmoving and still and it made you even more pissed.
“And running away from my grief?” You scoffed. “You think I’m running away? You think I don’t deal with my grief every fucking day? Carry it around with me on every mission, wake up with it even heavier than the day before?”
You didn’t even notice the tear that ran down your cheek. “I don’t need you to tell me how to deal with my grief. You have no idea what I’m going through.”
Something flashed in Kakashi’s eyes, and part of you felt like you had said something wrong.
“You aren’t the only one who lost Genma,” he said. “Raido carries around with him—“
“Give me a mission,” you interrupted, not wanting to hear Genma’s name anymore. “Just give me a mission. I’ll be more careful.”
“I won’t do that,” Kakashi answered with a straight tone. “I’m giving you three weeks leave.”
“Give me a mission,” you repeated, tone seeping with anger.
“I won’t—”
And you stormed out of his office, slamming the door behind you.
You ran all the way home.
You swung open the door to your house with a violent force, choking sobs that turned into screams pouring out of your body. You stomped to your coffee table that held some kunai and other various objects and started hurling them across the room.
You started throwing everything across the room. You screamed and threw every pillow, every book, everything that you could see through your tears. You choked out every sob that held every emotion in your body, and then you eyed the wall.
Pictures of your family. Pictures of your parents. Of Genma. Of you.
You sucked in a wheezing breath, clenched your jaw, and stomped over to the wall. Without hesitation, you punched the wood next to Genma’s picture, a gaping, cracked hole next to your brother’s memory.
“Why?” You choked out. “Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me alone?”
“Why, why, why” you screamed. You screamed it over and over again, punched a hole over and over again. You fell to the ground in a sob, your hand beginning to bleed.
Holding yourself in your arms, you cried on the floor of your empty house and felt the cold, taunting loneliness of your life stronger than you ever had before.
“I—I don’t want—to be—alone.”
You had failed. Failed so miserably. You had failed your village and yourself. The heaviness you carried around with you every day was suddenly so unbearable that you felt suffocated and trapped. Your chest was on fire. You started heaving in breaths, sucking in air that never felt like enough. Your throat burned with every attempt to breathe until you weren’t breathing at all.
You weren’t breathing at all. You began to panic as each breath became shorter and shorter and you couldn’t keep up with it. You tried to sit up and expand your abdomen to get more breaths, but your body felt like it was giving up. It was too tiring.
“H-Help—“ you tried to speak, but you were cut off from your own agonizing breaths.
You didn’t even hear the door open or hear Kakashi say your name in a breathless panic. You barely felt as he kneeled to the floor and pulled your back against his chest and sat you in between his knees. As he wrapped his arms around you and tried to speak over your increasingly short inhalations.
He had come after you.
“Breathe,” he said into your ear. “In through your nose.”
Impossible. There was no way you could.
You felt Kakashi exaggerate his breaths, his chest moving against your back.
“Slowly,” he continued. “Like me. Breathe with me.”
You shook your head. “I—I—c-can’t.”
Words stilted as they came out, suddenly a sob tore out of your throat, and suddenly you were allowed to suck in a deep breath. Relief filled your lungs.
“Breathe,” Kakashi repeated. “With me.”
In through your nose.
You tried, although it was shaky, you slowed down on the breath out.
“Good,” Kakashi said, and you felt that he was rubbing his thumb up and down on your arm. “Keep going.”
So you did. Kakashi held you as you slowed down your breaths. Eventually, you had, but you were so tired and your head hurt and your eyes kept closing even has the tears kept falling out.
You fell asleep against him. He sat there with you on the floor of your house and he let you sleep against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against your hair. “I’m sorry.”
He knew you couldn’t hear him. He kept saying it anyway.
———
You woke up to the sound of knocking on your door.
Immensely tired and groggy as hell, you thought about just letting it go. Until you realized it was dark outside.
You realized immediately that you had slept almost twenty-four hours. Groaning, you whipped the covers off.
There was no one there. You looked down and found a white plastic bag.
You leaned down and picked it up.
Food.
You looked around but couldn’t see or detect anyone. But you had a feeling of who it was from.
Closing the door, you brought it inside, and you noticed that everything you had thrown around last night was picked up off the floor and put in its place. For the most part. The hole in the wall by Genma’s picture was still there, but that could be something you could fix later.
Then, you looked down at your hand. Your knuckles were taped from when you punched the wall. Kakashi had come after you, had held you through a panic attack, bandaged your hand, and then carried you to bed.
He had come after you. After you yelled at him like an idiot. After he had tried to help you like everyone else and you threw his help back in his face. Regret and shame made you want to cry and give up all over again, but something inside of you made you take a deep breath.
You walked to the kitchen and ate and thought about nothing except Kakashi.
———
The next morning, there was another knock at your door.
It woke you up, so you quickly made your way to the front door and swung it open.
“Yo,” Kakashi Hatake said with kind eyes. “Wanna spar?”
You blinked. “Uh—“
You glanced over his appearance. He wore his normal uniform and looked the most awake you had ever seen him
“Right now?” You squeaked out.
Kakashi smiled. “Yeah. Right now.”
You didn’t think twice. “Okay. I’ll be quick.”
Slamming the door, you ran back to your room and got on your standard blue shirt and pants, not bothering to grab your vest. You brushed your teeth, pulled your hair back, grabbed your pack, and you were out the door.
Kakashi was leaning against a light post outside of your building, reading his book. He looked up when he heard you heading towards him, and he put his book in his pocket. You both fell in step with each other as you headed to the training grounds.
It had to be early as hell. The village was quiet and the sun was barely up. You felt awake though, and the smell of the air in the morning was heaven.
It was silent between you and Kakashi, but for some reason it was fine.
When you arrived at the training ground, you eyed a couple of familiar friends.
Maito Gai waved wildly in the distance accompanied by Anko. The way your heart soared when you realized it was her was almost overwhelming. She yelled a greeting, and you had to keep yourself from running at her.
But when you and Kakashi got close enough, it was Anko who ran toward you. She tackled you in a hug, and you could help but laugh. You noticed she held you tight, and you felt her lean into your ear.
“I missed you,” she said. “So much.”
A sigh of relief fell out of your mouth, and a weight lifted off of your shoulders. “I missed you too, Anko.”
“Alright!” Gai said. “I call sparring against Anko first.”
“Oh, you ready to get pummeled? Come here—“
And it was just you and Kakashi as Anko and Gai went off to spar. He smiled at you. “I promise to go easy on you.”
You rolled your eyes. “You better not.”
And you began.
Though you told him not to, Kakashi was definitely going easy on you. You both were just warming up, and it felt good to get moving so early in the morning.
“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said suddenly in between two swings at you, which you dodged. You almost paused, but Kakashi kept going and you had no choice but to as well.
“For—“ you ducked. “—what?”
“For springing that on you the other day.”
He means at his office.
“I didn’t—“ he ducked under your swing. “—handle it correctly. I shouldn’t have been so blunt. I apologize.”
“I’m the one who should be sorry,” you said while catching Kakashi’s fist and twisting under his arm. He was quick to meet you on the other side.
“I shouldn’t have—“ you blocked his kick. “—reacted like that. I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”
“It’s understandable,” he said in between breaths. “I understand better than anyone.”
His words made your breath catch in your throat. Because you knew Kakashi, you knew his past, you knew what he had been through. And the other day in his office, you had bit out the words:
“You have no idea what I’m going through.”
“Don’t let your guard down.”
And suddenly Kakashi had you twisted around, pulled your arms against yourself, and trapped you against him.
He quickly let you go, and you both stood there, panting. You reluctantly turned around to face him, your chest tight and your mind reeling.
“I’m sorry,” you suddenly said, and the words just started flowing. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m a complete…mess. I just didn’t know how to deal with it, and I didn’t want to move on because he was my brother and he was the only one I had left. And I didn’t want to forget him because I didn’t want to admit that I really am all alone. I know I need to change—“
Realizing you had spoken way too much, you stopped. Kakashi scanned you over, and you looked down at the dewey grass that Kakashi’s feet sunk into. Your heart was beating in your ears and you couldn’t believe you had just said all of that to him.
“You don’t need to change,” Kakashi finally said, taking a step toward you with tender eyes. “You just need to be patient with yourself. And it won’t be easy. Some days will be better than others. Some days you will forget and some days you will be reminded. You can’t push it away, though. And you can’t push others away. I know you feel like if you try to move on, you’ll forget him. But you won’t. You just learn to deal with it. It becomes a part of you, and you’ll find that he becomes a part of you, too.”
Speechless didn’t even cover it, and you just stood there staring at him.
Then, he smiled at you, eyes crinkling. “And you’re not alone. You’ve never been alone. You have us. And you have me.”
“Squirt? Is that you?”
“Oh shit! Hatake actually got her to show up! Woo-hoo!”
You whipped your head in the direction of the voices, and walking to the training grounds was Kotetsu, Izumo, and Raido. Anko yelled at them as they made their way, and you couldn’t help but smile. A genuine smile. A smile that hadn’t been on your face in months.
“We had all planned to meet up some morning to spar soon, and I thought it would be good for you to come. They all missed you a lot,” Kakashi said next to you.
Heart soaring, you smiled even bigger. “Thank you, Kakashi.”
And as you ran to meet your friends, Kakashi’s heart soared, too.
An hour later, you were all sitting outside at a cafe, cups of tea and pastries in front of you while you laughed and talked.
Raido was gushing on and on to you, telling you all the things that you had missed. Kotetsu and Izumo would butt in every once in a while and tell their side of things. Anko sat next to you, laughing along with you and rolling her eyes sometimes. Gai and Kakashi talked to each other and sometimes but in to add their two cents in.
You felt so light, the weight that had been breaking your back for months finally lifting up for even just a few moments.
“And they both told me that I didn’t have to turn in the report, but I actually did and then I got my ass chewed out by Iruka. Which was scary as hell,” Raido said.
Kotetsu and Izumo cackled beside him, and you laughed too. It was so familiar, laughing with all of them, though there was a pain in your chest that wished Genma was with you.
“Alright, I gotta go everyone,” Kakashi stood up from his seat.
A chorus of “bye Kakashi” rang out across the table, and he walked around to you, putting a hand on your shoulder and leaning down into your ear. Raido continued telling his story.
“Enjoy your three weeks off,” Kakashi whispered.
You smiled. You definitely, definitely would.
———
A few months later came the spring festival. It was an absolute blast, and the village had gone all out since the end of the war. Hours into the night and lots of laughs and talks with your friends, you decided to call it a night and spend the rest of the festival with your brother.
It seemed that the stars were brighter tonight, brighter than they had been in months. You could still hear the distant chattering and music from where the festival was being held, but other than that the night was still and quiet in the cemetery. Still adorning your traditional festival clothes, you made your way to your brother’s grave.
You sat down in the grass. These days, you always met his resting place with a smile. Times, when you used to be overcome with loneliness and depression, were now met with peace and gratitude.
Bringing your knees to your chest, you tipped your head back to look up at the sky. Stars glittering and keeping you company.
You sighed with a smile, looking back down at Genma’s grave.
“Hey bro…” you started. “I know I haven’t visited in a while. But today is the festival, and the spring festival was always your favorite.
“I’m feeling better these days. Some days are harder than others for sure, but I’ve been hanging out with our friends a lot more and going on missions with them. Kakashi and I are hanging out more, too. He comes over and eats dinner with me. Anko and Iruka come over too, and sometimes they stay the night. Sometimes I really hate being in that house all alone…but they all keep me company. And I’m happier, too. Raido and I…we talk about you. And sometimes it hurts, but it also makes it easier.
“I really miss you, big brother. I miss you so much. But I know if I look up, I’ll find you in the stars. You and mom and dad. And I can feel you watching over me. And you give me strength throughout the day. So thank you. Thank you for being my big brother, then and right now.”
The tears falling from your eyes didn’t prevent a smile from growing on your face. The pain was still in your heart, but now it was accompanied by gratitude, acceptance, growth.
And love.
You heard footsteps approaching behind you, and by the quiet, steadiness of them, you knew who it was.
“Ah, why are you out here when you should be enjoying the festival?”
You rested your chin on your knees with a cheesy smile as Kakashi sat down next to you, still wearing his Hokage robes from the festival.
“I should ask you the same,” you said.
“I asked you first,” Kakashi teased.
You sighed out through your nose, and Kakashi draped an arm over your shoulders. Resting your head on his shoulder, you spoke. “Genma loved the spring festival, so it’s only fitting that I would visit him before I go home. He would be mad if I didn’t.”
Kakashi hummed. “And I suppose you weren’t going to say goodbye to me before you left?”
You laughed. “Speaking of, shouldn’t you be fulfilling your Hokage duties at the festival?”
“No one will notice I’m gone,” he chuckled. “Everyone is too drunk.”
“Then you should be thanking me for giving you an excuse to escape,” you smiled, leaning further against him.
He hummed again, turning his head and planting a soft kiss on your temple. “I know he’s happy that you’re happy. That you enjoyed the festival with your friends.”
You closed your eyes. “You think so?”
“I know so.”
———