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Truthfully, he’s been imagining moments like this for a while.
Slow, rainy days where the two of you meet somewhere just before dark. He’ll come from work and meet you at the station after your school lets out. The two of you will walk together until you find someplace warm and toasty where he can enjoy a cup of coffee and your presence. The two of you would talk- or rather, he would have you talk about any and everything. And he’d just listen. The time would roll by, and your drinks would run out, but he’d have you by his side wouldn’t he? Someone to make things easier. Someone to turn to. Someone to love .
When it gets too dark, he’ll walk you home. Not just to the station, but all the way home , like a turn gentleman. Even if he has to ride the train all night. He wouldn’t walk away until he can confirm you’re safe and sound through your front door. The one he’ll be sure to remind you to lock once your inside. And he wouldn’t sleep a wink until the moment you text him goodnight. All so he could see you. Happy, healthy you. And of course, a few kisses in between those moments wouldn’t hurt too.
He’s allowed to be selfish every once in a while too, right?
That's what he imagines, in the moments where he tries to forget the reality of things. Not his past. Not his job. But you . In the end, though, he knows he has to wake up. Everything is not what he dreams it would be. Everything is not what he wants it to be. And then again, when has it ever been? When has life ever been easy for him? Mow, he just wants one thing. One, single thing. To be seen in a good light by you. It should be easy, but it isn’t. Who would have known that your affection would be the single most thing he craves most in this world. And who would have known it would be the single most unattainable thing at the same time.
“Be honest with me…you’re scared of me, aren’t you?”
He’s been dreading this question for a while now, but it’s killing him inside. It had to be asked directly, sooner or later. He’s tried, and he’s tried to figure you out but he’s come up empty-handed every single time. Every time you’re near him, you cower. Everything time he tries to speak to you, you’re begging for an escape. Originally, he thought nothing. He thought you were just the shy type. Someone who never fared well in the presence of strangers or intimidating figures. You did always cling to Akira or one of the other girls whenever he saw you out in public.
But then he sees you. Laughing, smiling, speaking unapologetically to other people. You’re popular at your school. You’re well-liked. Loved , even. And sure, there’s a nervous gnaw of your lip or an anxious tug of the hem of your skirt but it fades . It’s not every day, it’s just every time you see him. And usually, it wouldn’t matter to him. Usually, he wouldn’t care. He’s never seen himself as a jealous man. And how could he? With countless fans, there’s no reason he should be so heavily focused on someone who can’t look him in the eye when you cross paths on the train. But it’s you.
Something about you makes you special to him. It’s the very same thing that makes him weak too. Even if it’s only at distance. He doesn’t want that distance. He wants you . But he’ll settle for less. He will until his very last breath. Because if he can’t have you, then all he desires is for you to think upon him fondly. To not see him as the monster he truly is behind all these lies and sugar-coated words. It’s all he wants. All he needs.
“I’m…I’m not scared of you, Akechi-san.” You don’t even chance a look at him, and it practically nearly destroys him. “I’m…I’m not…”
He fights the urge to slam his fist down in frustration when you start to trail off. You do that to him. He doesn’t know how but you break him down. Test his composure. All by being scared . Not a challenge, not a tease but afraid . And it was something he couldn’t stand . Your fear of him was the whole reason why he wanted to meet in public in the first place. It’s why he allowed you to choose Leblanc on a day he knew Akira could come back at any moment and interrupt. It’s why he minds his tone- the bitterness of his bite- when he’s in public in case you’re watching. He’d move mountains for you if you asked. He’d move mountains if you even looked at him. He just wanted to know why.
Why you said what you said all those days ago…
“His smile…” He heard you whisper to Akira on the day the two of you were formally introduced after he began to walk off in another direction. He pretended not to hear, but naturally, he was interested in what such a pretty girl had to get off her chest so quickly. Especially a girl he had already become so smitten with. “...it doesn’t look like a real smile.”
If he wasn’t so good at what he does, he would have lost himself.
That’s why there was never a falter or fumble in his steps as he steeled his attention forwards and continued to walk on, even as he listened to Akira shush you that day. It was like you saw through him. In the short time, the two of you were face to face, you saw him. The real man behind the princely facade. But you were just one girl. One fleeting, passing moment. He would forget over you, and he would move on. But he didn’t. And neither did you.
“You know I would never hurt you, right?” He can’t help but ask when you become quiet and unresponsive. Still, you advert your attention to the cup of hot chocolate in your hands that you’ve barely touched. “As someone who works closely with the police force, I want you to feel like you can always come to me if you’re ever in need. I will never hurt you.”
It comes to no surprise when you practically shrink back at his words, but he doesn’t fault himself for laying it on so heavily. The act doesn’t fool you. It never has, no matter how much easier it would have made his life. That’s why he has to bring his honesty. His intensity. If blunt words and harsh words can’t convince you that all he wants is for someone like you to be protected in such a messed up society then there’s no hope for him.
From the corner of his eye, he can spot Sojiro looking over at him in obvious distrust. It’s becoming harder and harder to bite back a snarl in the older man’s direction- something he knew he would have never thought of doing if it wasn’t for you. It’s not fair to blame you for all his momentarily lapses in self-control. You bring out the worst in him. You really, really do.
And he’ll never hate you for it. In fact, he can’t help but adore you even more.
In all your brightness, you give him hope. Even from afar, he can see the genuine truth behind all your smiles. The unadulterated joy in all your laughter and it gives him a reason. A reason to keep going when the weight of the world comes crashing down on his shoulders. A reason to be a better man, even if he doesn’t take it. Because all that matters is that it’s there . All that matters is that you’re here .
Sure, you won’t look at him. You won’t believe him. You won’t want him either, but you have him. If not by your side, then in your life. If not close, then from a distance. Always in your corner of this very scary world for someone as perfect as you. For someone as soft as you. So maybe there is a chance for him yet. After all, you met with him today didn’t you? And every princess needs a prince.
But he could always settle for a knight, too. Just for you.