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Chapter Text

A high pitched ringing kept me from hearing the firefighters saw through the roof of my car. I could see the sparks of the sawed-up metal burn against my flesh, but I could not feel the burn they must have left. I was supposed to feel the burning, I was supposed to scream from the pain, instead, I felt nothing. Something was wrong. I could hear the firefighters yelling at each other to get me out, I could see the blue and red lights from somewhere inside the darkness outside, I could even taste the small, metallic waves of blood running doing my throat. But I couldn’t move a single muscle. I couldn’t feel a single thing, not the heat of the metal, nor the cold of the melted snow that slowly started trickling down from the broken window. I am dying. This is what it felt like to die. Or, rather, this is what I could imagine about the process of dying slowly.

“She’s alive! We have to move quickly, that is one of our own!” I recognized his voice. The warmth of it, and the slight shiver of panic. Every surgical resident had sounded like that at one point while standing over an open body, and rightfully so. The OR was a place no one wanted to end up, unless you are the one doing the cutting and stitching. Even then, most people had about a thousand different ideas of a safe space.
“Amelia, we are going to get you out of here. I will be there, every step. You have to life, do you hear me? You have to.” I wanted to answer him, but my mouth did not produce the sounds I needed
“Call Grey-Sloan, tell them to get an OR up and running. Do not tell them who the rig is bringing in. You hear me? Do not tell them they’re about to operate on Amelia.” Ben. The voice was Ben.
“Amelia? I am going to stabilize your head,” I could see Ben’s hands from the corner of my eyes, but I still couldn’t feel them. “Herrera and Vic are going to start getting you out of the car, starting with your legs.” A panic like never before fell over me. Even if I survived, I would probably be paralyzed. My career was over. My life was done. I would never operate again.

A bright, yellowish light got shoved up in my face. I knew they were checking my pupillary responses, but all I wanted to do was close my eyes. Knowing I shouldn’t only made me want to do it more. I wanted to give up so badly. No one tells you about the tiredness you feel when staring death in the eyes, or the way your chest becomes too heavy for your lungs to fill with air. I could hear people calling out for me, from both inside and outside. There were so many voices. And lights. So, so, so many beautiful lights.

I wasn’t sure how long we had been driving with the sirens turned on, and I could see the needles in my arms, but I couldn’t remember who had put them in. I couldn’t remember what they had given me. I was terrified they gave me morphine. If only I had been able to speak I could have told them not to give me morphine, but I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move. I could only hope we would be at Grey-Sloan quickly enough for me not to remember any of this ride on the rig. If I had believed in God, I would have asked him to make sure whatever hospital I was shipped to, wouldn’t give me morphine.

“What have you got for me, Ben?” We we’re at Grey-Sloan. I must have been out for a while, as the ride from the crash to the hospital was never this short. That worried me. It meant I had some kind of head trauma, that I could still remember.
“Female, midst thirties, crushed inside her car after a crash en route, in and out of consciousness. Open femur fracture, God knows how many broken bones, and likely internal bleeding. Pupillary responses good, but unresponsive to other stimuli. BP 89 over 120 and dropping. Received a liter of saline and two rounds of FFP.” I heard the wheels of my gurney squabble over the concrete. It was strangely comforting.
“You found ID on her?”
“You don’t want to know Miranda. Just, don’t let her die.” Is this what our patients heard? Us surgeons, just wanting all the medical information and not the personal information? That is awful.
“We need to contact her family Ben, you know the protocols.” My family… I just wanted Meredith and Maggie here. My mom would only cry and have PTSD from Derek, Liz probably wasn’t even in the country, and Kathleen and Nancy would assume I somehow was responsible for my own accident. And Scout, Scout wouldn't even know what was happening.
“The damn protocols don’t matter, her family is already here.” We passed the doors of the ER, and the sounds that were once so comforting to me were terrifying at this very moment.
“Who is the patient?” No response. By now chief Bailey should have recognized me, meaning I probably looked worse than I thought.
“Benjamin Warren, who is laying on this gurney?”
“Shepherd,” Ben sighed, “it’s Shepherd, Miranda.”

The ER got silent. I could hear the zooming of the tl-lights, and could smell the combination of sweat, saline and gasoline. Normally, I wouldn’t mind either of those things, but normally I would be the one standing over the patient. Nothing was normal in this moment.
“Page Hunt, and, and Altman -damnit- page everyone. Grey, Pierce, Kim. Everyone is on call as of now.” Bailey ordered. “Get CT ready, I want her in and out. Book a fully prepped OR. It is about to be a circus.” I could hear pagers beeping, calls being made and someone frantically pressing the button of the elevator. Seeing the place I spent hundreds of hours in from this angle felt weird. This is what Derek went through, only surrounded by strangers, and he died. Knowing my luck, the same faith was probably waiting for me. He wasn’t ready yet, and neither am I. I am not ready to die.

Chapter Text

“We need to move, now! We have a VIP patient here!” Chief Bailey ordered.
“There is already someone in CT, at this time of night only one is up and running. We can’t throw them out.” A very young, and confused lab tech stated.
“Is that person dying right now?” Chief Bailey was rarely this unsteady, but given how much Dr. Shepherd meant to everyone in this Godforsaken place, she knew Shepherd had to be kept alive, at all costs. “Is that person dying?” She repeated.
“No, but-“ the lab tech muttered.
“Then they can wait. My patient can’t. Get them out.” 

Amelia was rushed into CT. Most surgeons had started to come into the ER by now, the ones that were on call were even more confused than the ones that weren’t. Why were they paged? The ER was basically empty. Were they waiting for a mass causality? A shooting? Freak accident?
Scrubs were put on quickly, as they were waiting for someone to tell them what they were preparing for. None of them could have imagined what had happened to their very own sister, mother of his child, ex-wife and best friend. 

“Ben! What happened? Why did Bailey page everyone?” Grey asked.
“We need to wait until Hunt and Altman are here.” A few confused looks got shot between the surgical staff.
“Okay? Why? She paged everyone, we were thinking it’s about to be hectic in here. We can update them when they come in and in the mean time we prepare.” Link said. He was partially right. They could prepare, and at the same time they couldn’t.
“Trust me, we need to wait.” Ben had never spoken to his friends like this before. He knew they were as scared as he was, if not more. Meredith and Maggie couldn’t lose another sister, Amelia’s mother couldn’t loose another one of her children in an almost identical way as she had lost Derek, and even though Addison and Charlotte weren’t here and didn’t know Amelia was on the verge of dying, they too, couldn’t loose her. Grey-Sloan could not have another funeral.

“Bailey!” Meredith ran towards the small woman. “What is going on? Why did you page everyone?”
“Sit down.” The air filled with both fear and adrenaline. Surgeons don’t ‘sit down’ for anything. They stand on the deck on their ship, steering while it’s sinking until it doesn’t sink anymore. They’re supposed to stand during the storm and finish their sailing trip around the big monster in the water without doubt.
“Bailey?” Meredith asked. She had stopped putting on her PPV and scrub cap. Something was wrong. She could feel it, the same way she had felt it when Derek didn’t come home. She looked around, counting. Maggie, Hayes, Owen, Teddy, Link, Richard… Amelia. Amelia wasn’t here yet.
“Where is Amelia? You didn’t page her?”
“I-“ Bailey looked up, a single tear leaving her eyes, “I didn’t need to page her.”
“Why? Is she already up there?”
“She is.”
“Then what are we waiting for?” Meredith tried to lock eyes with Bailey. “Spit it out Bailey. How bad is it?”

“There was a crash, en rout 7.” Ben stepped in, seeing how his wife couldn’t get her words out.
“Route 7? Isn’t that-“ Maggie started
“That’s the highway leading to New York.” Link filled in.
“Didn’t Amelia go to visit her mom?” Maggie asked Link.
“She did. But she left hours ago, there is no possible way she’d be back this soon to operate.” Link said.
Meredith stopped. She tore off her PPV. Meredith knew.
“It’s Amelia.” Meredith looked at Bailey, trying to get their eyes to meet so she could confirm her guess, before shifting her glance to Link and Maggie. “It’s Amelia, up there on the OR table, isn’t it? That’s why we had to wait, and we couldn’t prepare.” Bailey didn’t answer. “Bailey?”
Everyone fell silent. Meredith was right. The way the Chief didn’t respond properly, and as to why everyone was here. They had been in this position countless of times before. Surgeons like to think they’re better equipped to handle these situations, to see a body instead of a story. But they weren’t. None of them. Even Hunt and Altman had to reset themselves upon the news they had just received.

“How bad?” Teddy was the first to speak.
“Bad. CT revealed a subdural hematoma and C4 and C5 are compressing her spinal cord. Her femur is completely shattered, and she has internal bleeding. The crash also collapsed one of her lungs. Her BP has been steady ever since she got in the OR, but she is a mess.”
“Who is operating on her, besides Owen and me?” Teddy asked.
“Whoa, why do you think you two are operating on the mother of my child? Why am I not in that OR? You know I am the best orthopedic surgeon this place has ever seen. That is the mother of child!” Link smashed one of the vases filled with plastic flowers from the nurses station, ready to knock someone unconscious if needed. He was angry, and confused.
“Because we are the only ones equipped to do so, Link. This is what we did, every day, every night, in Bagdhad. Operating on family, friends, superiors. You want to tell me how to do my job? Be my guest, but you will be the reason Amelia doesn’t wake up.” Altman bit. And she bit hard.
“People,” Bailey tried to intervene, “People! Kim is currently resetting as much of her bones as possible with Helm and Schmitt, and Hunt and Altman will fix her internally. Everyone here is family, and this is how we are going to make sure not another member of this family is being sent to a morgue.” Bailey had composed herself while her staff lost it. The Chief had made her plan before paging her staff. This was the best way.

“And her brain and spinal injuries? Who is fixings her hematoma and spinal cord? Did someone do burr-holes? Amelia is the only surgeon we have in neuro after Koracick left.” Richard asked.
“Helm and Schmitt assisted with the burr-holes. They are currently draining, while we wait for Koracick to fly in from Boston.”
“That could take hours! She might as well have died in the field!” Link was the only one saying what they all thought.
“Don’t you dare say that. Don’t you dare talk that way about my sister! We are not loosing another Shepherd in a car crash.” Meredith wiped her tears filled with anger from the sides of her face, “We are not letting their mother burry another one of her children. The flight from Boston could take hours, even by helicopter.” Even though Koracick was the second-best option while Amelia wasn’t in the running, he might not be able to save her by then. Her brain could swell, she could herniate. If they needed heparin during her abdominal surgery, she could have another bleed. Meredith knew all of this, and had made up her mind.

“I almost went into neuro, I have done this procedure countless of times with Derek. We do not have time to wait for Koracick. I am doing it.” She kicked her heels off and slid into her surgery sneakers. The PPV she tore off previously got replaced by a quick bun and her red scrub cap, she was readying herself for surgery.
“Meredith, the hell you are. You haven’t seen the inside of a brain in- what- six years?” Richard knew if something went wrong she would not survive it either.
“And I haven’t cut into one for the past eight.” She said, wiping of her make-up. Nothing is more uncomfortable than wearing make-up during a difficult surgery. Though a craniotomy surgery isn’t quite a big deal to a neurosurgeon, to a general surgeon it could potentially be a bit of a hustle. Slow and steady would be her better way of stopping Amelia’s hematoma from spreading and recurring. She hoped Tom would be here soon, as she could not decompress Amelia’s cord by herself.
“You are in no state to operate on someone’s brain, let alone on your sister’s brain.” Richard sighed. “Hell, Meredith, no one of is allowed to operate on family, you know that.”
“Richard, for Gods sake, everyone in here is family!” She threw her old PPV in the trash.

“Do it,” Link said, “Meredith, do it. Save her.”
“Dr. Lincoln, do I need to remind you you are here as her boyfriend and the father of her child, not as a surgeon?” Bailey reminded him.
“Bailey, everyone here knows it’s her only shot. I can do it.” Meredith said.
“I am the Chief, and I decide whether or not one of my surgeons, who’s specialty is guts and not brains, mind you, is cutting into the brain of my only neurosurgeon, who also happens to be the sister-in-law of her husband, who died of the almost exact same injuries after a near-identical accident.” A painful silence fell over the staff.
“Are you going to physically stop me?” Meredith had sounded angry. She knew she could do it, if only Bailey would let her. “No? Great, I will see you in recovery, then.” Meredith walked past Bailey and the others. She was both filled with adrenaline and anger. This city has taken too much from her already, it would not be taking Amelia too.
“You better pray to every God you know while you’re on that elevator up to the OR, Grey!” Bailey yelled, but the doors had already closed.

Chapter Text

“Subdural hematoma, possible way of eliminating the bleed is a craniotomy.” Meredith mumbled to herself. She hasn’t done one in almost a decade, and yet it is the one neurosurgery she knows front to back. Derek used to let her do them by herself in her fifth year, she even had done a few together with Lexie. She noticed herself thinking about them, and realized if she didn’t get her act together, she might kill Amelia.
“Use a foot craniotome to drill from the burr-holes, stay away from the superior sagittal sinus, do not hit the dura. Peel the bone flap from the dura, incise the dura and irrigate the field. Suction the bleeder out, keep irrigating. If the bleeding doesn’t subside, embolize the bleeder and irrigate again. If the brain swells, keep the skull flap in a moist environment and just close the dura. Am I missing something?” Time to think wasn’t gifted to her. The elevator stopped, and Meredith realized she didn’t even know in which OR she needed to be. Luckily, only one OR had active movement, OR 3.
It was her personal favorite, though it probably shouldn’t be, as she almost got blown up in it once. 

She rushed to the scrub sinks. Four minutes was way too long to be staring at Amelia from this side of the window. She needed to get in there, and quick. And Bailey had wanted to wait for Koracick. There was no time to wait for anyone. Derek didn’t have time to wait on a surgeon four hours away then, and neither did Amelia now. 

“Dr. Grey!” An overexcited Helmouth came through the OR doors, removing her gloves. “I thought Dr. Hunt and Dr. Altman would be the general and trauma surgeons. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like an opportunity to assist you on- well- whatever surgeries Dr. Shepherd needs. Of course I would totally understand if-“
“Helm.”
“Yes, Dr. Grey?” Meredith had heard the rumors about Helm, and the slight but weird obsession the young surgeon had for her. Usually she could try and work around it, but this patient was way too risky to have Helm assist her.
“You need to rescrub and assist Dr. Kim. I need Schmitt.” Meredith kept rubbing the soap over her forearms, just a little harder than necessary.
“Schmitt is already assisting Dr. Kim, I thought I could assist you.” The girl had sounded disappointed, to not be working with her idol, and crush.
“Helm! I do not have time for this. I need Schmitt. You can assist Dr. Kim, or leave.” Meredith looked at her. Helm was clearly disappointed to have gotten such an earful of the surgeon standing over the scrub sinks.
“Yes, Dr. Grey. I will rescrub, then.” Helm tried to keep herself composed, yet the slight break in her voice was noticed by Meredith. She thought she’d apologize later rather than now, as the conversation would probably take awhile. She hadn’t meant to sound harsh, but rather had meant to be stern. Meredith needed to sound stern, to give herself that last push of confidence.

“Alright.” Meredith set foot in the OR.  “Dr. Kim, how much time do you need to be done?”
“I need to reset her femur and put plates in her foot, after that, she’s all fixed.”
“Can I have Schmitt assist me in that case?” A quick look from the orthopedic surgeon to his boyfriend got intercepted by Helm. “Gown and gloves, please.”
“I will take over from you, Levi. Dr. Grey has requested you.” It had almost sounded snobby, but Meredith let it slide. They’d have a conversation about her behavior later.
“Me?” Schmitt had his usual surprised voice. Though he was a damn good surgeon, he didn’t have the surgical confidence. He had such potential, if only he would stop let his boyfriend dictate his studies and surgeries. “I- I haven’t been on general in forever. Helm was on general last night,” he looked at her “and- and we’re almost done here.”
“We’re not on general.” Meredith said, while being gloved and gowned.
“We’re not?” Schmitt asked.
“No. We’re doing a craniotomy, and you have been on rotation with Dr. Shepherd all week, that’s why I need you.” The OR got silent. Even Dr. Kim had stopped his power tools, and the only sounds were compiled of the monitor, the active sterilization machinery in the corner of the OR and their breathing. “So, you in? Or out?”
“In.” He looked at both Helm and Dr. Kim. “So, so in.”
“Good, because we’re both interns today. Do you know how long it has been since I performed a craniotomy, Schmitt?” He didn’t answer her. “Eight years.”

Meredith positioned herself above Amelia. It felt weird, seeing her sister like this again. The last time she had seen Amelia in a surgery gown, and on this table, Tom removed her stage two glioma and she spoke French for two weeks straight when she woke up. Meredith was deadly afraid, yet knew this was Amelia’s only shot.
“Bohkee, ten blade.” She was handed the blade from the scrub nurse, and started measuring. “One, two… right. Two or three fingers from above the ear?” She hadn’t meant it as an actual question.
“Three, Dr. Grey.” Schmitt said. He knows the surgery, and he is a resident, meaning he will probably know it better than her. Meredith thought of something, but wasn’t sure Schmitt was ready for it.
“Schmitt, when was the last time you watched a craniotomy?”
“We did one- ten, maybe eleven, hours ago?”
“So you know the procedure inside and out?”
“Yes, yes Dr. Grey. I- I think I do.”
“Think or know Schmitt?”
“Know. Definitely. I definitely know, Dr. Grey.”
"Schmitt, are you in this, a hundred percent?” She looked at the golden brown eyes of her intern, and he nodded. “Good. I am going to be your hands. You will lead me, every step of the way, and I will make the cuts. I think I remember every step, but you know. Where do I start?” She knew this was an enormous amount of pressure to put on the intern, but she also knew she herself might forget something. Was she crazy for thinking she could do this, by herself?

“Cut the skin flap from three fingers above the ears and connect it.” Meredith started putting pressure on the blade, and Amelia begun bleeding. It wasn’t excessive, that was a good sign. The head just bleeds a lot, due to all the veins. She took an extra breath. She was really doing this.
“Does someone have a hair tie?” Amelia’s brown locks fell from her skull slowly, contaminating the field. “Thank you, Schmitt.” She said, as he put the severed skull flaps in separated pony tails, making some kind of Frankstein look that exposed her skull. She should have just shaved her head, it’s just hair, it would have grown back eventually. Stitching her up is going to be one hell of a job, if she makes it that far.
“Alright, what now?” Meredith knew the answer, but she wanted to give her intern a shot. They had a little bit of time, now Dr. Kim was completely done with the plates and screws, and had sent Helmouth out to inform Bailey.
“Use a foot craniotome to cut her skull from burr-hole to burr-hole.”
“Potential risks?”
“Grinding the dura.”
“And?” He didn’t know. It didn’t really matter, she did. “Avoid the superior sagittal sinus, so she doesn’t bleed to death.”
“Right, right.” Meredith started drilling. The noise reminded her of a very loud washing machine, and it was one of the main reasons she was actually glad she hadn’t gone into neurosurgery. Having to hear that noise all the time would have killed her, she couldn’t think with all that noise.

“What now?”
“Peel the skull flap from the dura, slowly.” Schmitt said.
“Bohkee, tools. Schmitt, hold the bone.” Schmitt stepped closer and took the piece Meredith had lifted from Amelia’s head in his hands, while Meredith started to slowly scrape the dura off of it. Every millimeter felt like a win. If she could do this perfectly, then…
“Damn it, I ripped the dura. Damn it!” She shouldn’t have done this. She was unsteady and unfocused. Even though she could still fix it, her confidence tanked far below zero. All the world-renowned surgeon felt was pure terror.
“Grind or rip?” Meredith didn’t understand her residents question.
“Did you rip the dura, or grind it?”
“Rip, but it is still going to be impossible to fix without leaks and extra stitches either way.”
“Actually, uh, Dr. Shepherd has a little trick. I have watched her do it, this morning. She continues peeling, and then, when she is ready to close, she puts in a fibrin glue graft. I can make one, while you decompress the hematoma.” Meredith was pleasantly surprised with Schmitt.
“Great idea Schmitt, I knew you’d be the best intern for this.” Schmitts eyes lit up. The confidence boost from his teacher and inspiration was deserved, and he did a silent, little victory dance.
“Schmitt. Focus.”
“Right. Sorry, Dr. Grey.”

Meredith and Schmitt continued working on Amelia in almost perfect silence. The monitor, the sterilization box and the tools were the only sounds in the OR. They were looking at the insides of their family. The thing that made Amelia, herself. Her humor, her fears, and her love. They were all stored away in one organ. Funnily enough, the organ she chose to study and that had failed her many, many times.
Meredith kept pealing the dura very carefully, while Schmitt was preparing the fibrin glue graft to stabilize the tear she had made earlier. She was still worried, but not as much. It felt like Derek was helping her the way he had needed help, while there was no one to give it to him, and the way he had always helped Amelia as the only one in her family. She knew Amelia wasn’t liked very much by her biological family, and she and her have had the absolute worst fights she had ever had in her life, but she knew they were both fighting from this funny thing called love. Amelia was her sister, maybe not by blood, but by Derek, by working at Grey-Sloan, and by surviving hell and still having each other.

“Dr. Grey, what an unpleasant surprise. I didn’t know you were double-board certified in both general and neurosurgery. We could have worked together, maybe have a little fun on the side, you know, mix pleasure with fun.” A click from the OR-gallery intercom had sounded. Meredith knew the voice everywhere. Though she had stopped actively hating Tom, she still didn’t like him. Him standing in the gallery, watching her doing his specialty, felt weird. She felt small, to which she wasn’t used.
“Koracick, you came early.” Meredith said.
“Ah, normally, I don’t. But, in this case, it might mean Amelia actually survives- whatever you are doing.” Meredith gave him a quick, spiteful look from her OR up to the gallery. Everything needed to be dirtied up by Tom, everything. Oh, how she hadn’t missed that. Neither his smugness or his ego.
“If you are so worried about Amelia’s survival, then why are you still up there instead of barking at the residents in here while you finish all my hard work?”
“Oh, you were actually trying to safe her? How heartwarming. I’ll be right back, I have to get some scrubs.” She knew he was kidding, but still. He was exactly the type of men she had always hated, and yet she felt nothing but pity for the man.
“Alright Tom, just be quick. She has been under for twenty-one hours already, and we have a lot more to do. Her spinal cord still needs-“
“I am aware what her cords status is, the Chief told me all about it. But I, uhm, am impressed, Grey. You didn’t mess up the beautiful brain I taught and saved. Yet.”
“Well, that was fun, while it lasted.” Schmitt said.

“Alright, alright. Bohkee, you still got my playlist downloaded? We need a little up-tempo, good music. We’re not having a funeral yet, so why the dark ambiance? We see enough dead people, got to make it fun where you can.” Tom said, while being gowned and gloved.
“Grey, where are we on her hematoma?” He asked, stepping closer to Meredith. “Oh, bummer! You ripped the dura. Did you let an intern do this?”
“Of course not Tom, this one was all me."
“Catherine should reconsider your Fox award in that case. Maybe sign it over to me, for saving her best neurosurgeon. Twice.”
Meredith just sighed. She didn’t want to do this to herself, start this kind of conversation with Tom while operating on Amelia’s brain.
“I’ll take over. Bohkee, suction please.” His eyes smiled, “And someone, please turn up the music so I don’t have to hear this depressing silence.” Meredith stepped aside, making room for Tom. She stepped outside the sterile field, pulled her gloves and gown off and started taking her scrub cap off.
“Whoa, whoa where do you think you’re going?” Tom asked.
“To the gallery, watch you like a hawk to make sure she lives.” Meredith said.
“Absolutely not.” She was stunned by this answer. “I need you to rescrub, and assist on her spinal decompression. I do not want a resident near this. Sorry, Schmitt.”
“It’s fine, I- I am used to it.” Schmitt said, from a corner where he was making the graft.
“I mean it, Grey. Rescrub and get back in here.”

The OR erupted in what Amelia would have called ‘old people music.’ Maggie and Meredith had a mutual, shared playlist which would be playing a lot at home to drown out Zola’s Kidz Bop versions of inappropriate pop songs. Amelia hated it, and if it was on, she’d casually switch to punk pop. Meredith had long thought one of her kids was the one switching the music, but when she caught Amelia, she just decided to pretend she didn’t know.
Maggie loved watching Amelia dance. She had seen her sister through a lot of things, and Amelia’s dancing had always felt like a confirmation she was actually doing good. She hadn’t really danced in the past year, during Covid, Merediths hospitalization, the birth of her son, Links proposal… Even at Maggie’s wedding, she hadn’t danced, not in a real way anyway. She performed a few funky moves, but most of the night was spent in a corner, and when Meredith had went into surgery, Amelia had taken Zola, Bailey and Ellis home. They hadn’t really talked about the Link situation yet, because knowing Amelia, one wrong move would have caused her to possibly say something about Maggie’s marriage. Maggie knew it wouldn’t have been a reaction out of spite, or hatred, but rather out of her own hurt. But still, she wasn’t yet sure how to bring it up.
During the whole pandemic, Amelia had been on edge. She was the main caregiver for four kids, one of which was still an infant, running a whole house, cooking, which was something she had learned during the pandemic because she had burned so many cupcakes she actually got good at it at some point, and keeping herself on track. She was exhausted. Not just her body, but her soul. She hadn’t had much energy for, well, anything. She hadn’t danced much, she hadn’t really had anyone to talk, seeing as Maggie worked ICU shifts, Meredith had been unconscious for weeks, the kids weren’t old enough to understand she was struggling and Link, well, Link just didn’t understand. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. She had felt so alone, while being surrounded by so many people. 

“Schmitt, how is that fibrin glue graft coming along?” Koracick asked.
“It- it’s done.” Schmitt said.
“Bring it over.” Koracick turned around, keeping his hands up as to not break the sterile field. He looked kind of funny, with his cards scrub cap and the fluor glasses. Schmitt never realized that a surgeons scrub cap reflects their being so much. Koracick and his card scrub cap, it could mean he was good at poker, it could mean he was counting the weeks in a year, as a deck has 52 cards in it or maybe he was calculated in taking risks.
Dr. Grey had just a single color, maroon red. Red usually means passion, love. And Dr. Grey does both, every day. She is about as passionate and loving as a surgeon could get. He aspired to be like her one day. But red also meant power, and God knows the power Meredith Grey holds. But not just power in the medical community, or over the hospital her name was slapped upon. The power to keep going, no matter what. The power to stand over her sisters brain, while not having done brain surgery in a decade, which she learned from her dead, neurosurgeon husband, the power to keep standing for what she believes in, even if it is herself and borders on the line of arrogance or desperate. Power, the maroon red scrub cap meant power.

Schmitt handed Koracick the glue graft.
“All right, Grey, you’re up.”
“Remind me what to do again?” She asked.
“What? You don’t remember it? Bummer! I expected better of you, Grey. I am terribly saddened by your lack of neurosurgical capability.” This time the room stayed quiet.
“Alright, just get to the other scope, hold the dura closed as much as possible while I place the graft.” Koracick said, shoving the probes into Merediths hands while he started working on putting the grafts into place.
“And that’s how it’s done.” He sighed, “Now the hard part: her spine.”

Chapter Text

“Phew, that was one of the hardest surgeries I have done in a while.” Koracick stepped through the OR doors, tearing off his PPV.
“Thank you, for the assist, Grey. And you did save her too, you know. If you hadn’t started when you did, she very well would probably be… not alive, right now.” Tom rarely gave compliments, let alone thanks to a fellow surgeon he damn well knew was far above him.
“Thank you Tom. For coming, and operating. I know it must be upsetting to you, too.” Meredith took off her scrub cap. “To see her like this again.” She looked at him, and leaned onto the scrub sink. For the first time she saw something that resembled sadness, or at least a lack of confidence and smugness.
“If she makes it to tomorrow, it should be fine. We have to monitor any neuro deficits, of course, but she should be-“
“About as good as we would expect from twenty different surgeries after a car mangled her.” Koracick said, looking for direct contact with Meredith.
“I thought I was supposed to be the emotionally stunted one.” Meredith said. Koracick stood besides her, leaning against the sink now, too.
“After all the loss we went through? You get a pass on this one.” He said.
“Tom, can I ask you something?”
“I am not going to sleep with you, if that’s were this is headed.”
Meredith contemplated about letting her whole sailors curse book escape her mouth. But she didn’t.
“You are unbelievable, you know that?” She chuckled.
“Unbelievably good, you mean.” Koracick shot back. There was the smugness she knew from Tom.
Meredith turned on the faucet and filled her hand with water. Before she realized what she was about to do, she smacked the water over Tom.
“That is the wettest you’ll ever get from me.”
“Oh, the lady got jokes!” He said, before splashing even more water over Meredith. The two filled up their scrub caps and tried to dump them over each other. For a moment they forgot who they had just operated on. They kept throwing water at each other, making a water ballet off the floor and each other. 

“What in God’s name is going on here?” Richard stepped into the scrub room. “Why is everything wet? Why are you?” He looked at his fellow surgeons.
“Grey just really likes me.” Koracick said.
“I do not, but I am grateful you saved Amelia.” She squeezed the excess water out of the scrub cap. “I am going to take a long, hot shower.” She said, walking out of the room and leaving the men alone.
“I could join you!”
“Wouldn’t do that if you want to keep your appendix!” The door closed behind her.
A silence fell.
“Is she going to make it?” Richard asked.
“Honestly?” Tom turned around, placing his hands on the sink and looking into the now empty OR. “I don’t know.”

Meredith stepped under the hot water coming from the small, almost rusty showerhead. She had hated showering anywhere that wasn’t home ever since she was little. It had been one of the most consistent things in her childhood: a warm bath at home with a little bit of lavender shower gel. Her mother had always thought bath salts and bombs were for children whose mothers had time to clean the stains of the glitters and colors after their child had enjoyed a bath in between the chemicals. She could still hear her mother say it:
“Meredith, those things are for people who need luxurious shower moments to feel special because they aren’t special at what they do with their lives.”
When she was a child she didn’t understand her mothers words, but now she knew. They were a waste to Meredith, as one single surgery would ruin both the good smell and experience of the luxurious bath. She let Ellis and Zola enjoy them, but she herself had taken over her mothers advice.
Meredith sighed. It had been months, but she still wasn’t fully recovered from her Covid symptoms. She felt the pressure on her chest like she had many times before, a sign she had done too much for her body to be able to handle. What her body didn’t understand was that this time, it had been a necessity. She sat down on the shower floor. She was too tired to care about the gross things living on it.

“Mer?” Maggie called out to her. “Koracick said you went to take a shower. You okay?”
“I’m fine, Maggie. How is Amelia?” Meredith reached for the shampoo bottle in the corner and grabbed it. The label had washed off for the most part, but she could still see the purple flower on a piece of it.
“No changes. I was thinking about staying here, you know just in case.”
“I’m calling Marissa, we both need to be here for Amelia. If I go home I will need to explain why I have Scout to the kids, but if the nanny goes home with him they’ll know we got held up.”
“You want me to talk to them? I know Zola would want to know.” Maggie asked.
‘No, I’ll tell them. But we need to make sure she survives the next 12 hours. I don’t want to scare Zola again, with family being in the hospital. Again.” Meredith sighed. She squeezed the bottle, but it was almost empty. She smeared the bit that she had over her hair.

“You still there?” Meredith asked.
“I am.” Maggie said. “We can’t loose her, Mer.”
“I know.” Meredith got up. She let the water wash out her shampoo and closed the hot water faucet first and then the cold water one.
“Could you throw me a towel?” Meredith asked.
“Blue or yellow?”
“Yellow.” Maggie picked the one with the least stains from the rack and handed it to Meredith.
“Did you know I caught Zola checking me the other night?”
“Checking you?”
“Yes, she checked my pulse. To see if I was still breathing. And every time I take a break to breathe, she jumps up from her homework and asks me if I need anything. She has always been caring and involved, but I worry my almost death has been harder on her than I thought.” Meredith said, wrapping the towel around her. It barely covered her whole body, not that Maggie cared, they had seen each other naked many times as the only private talking moments between adults in the house were the bathroom these days, in between shifts in the ICU and showers. “I don’t want to mess her up the way mother did me. I read something about generational trauma, and-“
“Oh, Mer, you are nothing like Ellis. Not-not that I’d know, but from what I have heard, you aren’t. You love your kids, you’re always there… and trauma I mean, we all have that, right? Someway or another. I mean, it was pretty terrifying for her. Did you know she let Bailey and Ellis sleep in bed with her?”
“Really?” Meredith had sounded surprised. Zola had always liked her space, and was very annoyed when her sibling would be in it.
“Yeah, uhm, Amelia told me. I came home after my quarantine, in my week off, to help her and Link with the house and she told me Zola had taken over caring for Bailey and Ellis every time Scout fussed. She hadn’t really noticed it until she couldn’t find them and they were all asleep in her bed. I know Zola has always been way too grown up for her age, and normally that wouldn’t worry me as much, but she lost her dad, she almost lost you and now she might loose her favorite aunt…” Maggie sighed.
“You think I should talk to her about it?”
“I think she needs to talk to someone. Maybe professionally?” Maggie suggested. Meredith hated the idea, as she hadn’t really had positive experiences with therapy before. But she also knew it could cause Zola real problems if she didn’t properly respond to this.
“I’ll ask her about it.” Meredith said.
“Good. Good. I am going to check on Amelia. Don’t forget to call Marissa.” Maggie got up and left the locker room. Meredith searched for her locker. She always kept a spare change of clothes in it, in case of an emergency. In this case a black, high waisted flare and a white blouse. She slid in her outfit and started to braid her hair.
She had never been able to braid hair, until she had learned from Maggie how to properly braid Zola’s hair. Meredith had always been afraid she couldn’t fulfill the job of teaching her about her heritage and culture completely. She tried, but she could never fully do it, she knew that. The protests had made her realize how little she actually knew about Zola’s heritage. She knew the city’s and orphanage’s name, in case Zola would want to go there one day and have her questions answered, but she hadn’t realized she needed to have a talk with her daughter about not running or talking back to the police so she wouldn’t be convicted of a crime she didn’t commit, even though it had only landed her mother in jail for a few weeks. Maggie did have that talk with Zola, during the protests, and even though Zola hadn’t want to go out and protest, she knew it did kind of mess with her. She now was wary of police cars when they were in the parking lot of the local grocery store and made sure to hold Meredith’s hand if they started to drive slower. Maybe Maggie was right, maybe Zola needed someone to talk to. She grabbed her phone and searched for the nanny’s number

“Hi, Marissa, it’s Dr. Grey. Could you come pick up Scout? There has been some delay in our ability to come home tonight and I think the kids are going to have to do without us today.” She clamped her phone between her cheek and shoulder, as to be able to put on her socks and shoes. “Yeah, we all got pulled into an all nighter of emergency surgeries. I am so sorry, I know I promised you and early day today…”

Chapter Text

“Helm!” Meredith called out.
“Yes, Dr. Grey?”
“We need to talk about your behavior in the OR today, and your behavior in general.” Meredith opened the door to the conference room as a sign for Helmouth to enter.
“I don’t understand?”
“Wait here. I need to get the Chief.”
“What? Why? Did I kill someone?”
“Helm, take a breath. It’s not that serious, we just need to talk. That’s all.” Meredith looked at Helm. She looked scared. But she sat down, her hands in front of her and her eyes down. She didn’t want Helm to get the wrong impression, but this was necessary. Everyone had been on edge lately, and insubordinate interns and residents were not something they could have happen right now.

Meredith knocked on Chief Bailey’s door.
“Yes?”
“We need to talk about Helmouth, Chief.” Meredith said, closing the door. Bailey folded her paper and put it in a binder.
“So talk, then.” Bailey signed to the couch while she got up herself and took place in the chair.
“Helmouth has been insubordinate towards me for, well, months. I know there are some rumors surrounding her from inside the residents circle, but today she crossed a line. She was offered a place in the OR, and instead she kept insisting she needed to help me, while I repeatedly told her no.”
“So? Reprimand her if you think it needs to be done. We are tough on first year residents, because they need it. They’re scalpel hungry beasts, and sometimes they need to be put in their place.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not? You have never had a problem with lecturing someone before.”
“Well. I mean, I could, but I shouldn’t.”
“Oh, Grey, please tell me I am not about to have another stack of paperwork on that desk from HR."
“No, no. That’s not why you need to be present! But the rumors surrounding Helm, well they’re about me. Apparently she has a little crush on me, and it feels wrong to tell her off without and official there to rule out an HR issue here."
“Dear God. Is this place the only space you people can find dates?” Bailey sighed. “Where is she?”
“Conference room.”

They walked towards the room, spotting Schmitt standing in the door, but he bolted at the sight of his superiors. Chief Bailey entered first.
“Chief, I- I”
“Quiet, Helm. I am only here as a necessity, not as the boogyman.” Bailey said, taking place in the back corner of the room.
“Helm, I do not want to scare you. But there are a few things we need to go over.”
“I am not following. Did I do something wrong?” The young resident looked to the chief, and to her idol. Fear ran through her veins.
“I understand the pandemic is hard on all of us, with less surgeries, less patient contact due to residents being assigned to the covid-ICU nowadays. But that doesn’t make it right how you acted in the OR today, or any other day for the last few months. You are impatient, and pushy. You turn down surgeries with other teachers to do charts for my patients. I am flattered that you want to study under me, but this is not the way. I need you to listen to me when you’re given an assignment, and not take it out on Schmitt when I reassign you.” Meredith had sounded stern, yet not cold. Precisely how she had wanted it.
“I- I never meant to be insubordinate, Dr. Grey. I’m just really interested in general surgery, and you are the best surgeon here- no offense, chief Bailey- and, and I just really love the way you teach.” Helmouth said. She had almost sounded like she was about to cry.
“I am your teacher, not a superstar. Don’t treat me like one, I might disappoint you one day.” Meredith got up.
“Next time Dr. Grey reassigns you, you listen. You’re a first year resident, not a fellow. There is no specializing yet, and you will not be on Dr. Grey’s service for a month. And if I hear you are causing problems within that period from anyone else, I’ll deal with you. Understood?” Bailey said.
“Understood, Chief Bailey. And, Dr. Grey, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you any problems.”
“Of course you didn’t Helm, I was a resident once. I know how it is, but there is a time for that, and this is not it.” Meredith said. She turned around and walked away from the conference room. A deep sigh escaped her. Meredith didn’t like being a cop towards her residents, but sometimes, it was necessary. She was responsible for creating the next generation of surgeons, and she herself knew the stupid decisions residents could make

“Dr. Grey! What was that about?” Hayes asked.
“Oh, just… Helm doesn’t get to be on my service for a month.”
“Why? She seems like one of the more, how should I say it… competent residents we have this year. Ever since half the interns walked out during the pandemic, we are short staffed on residents. Shouldn’t we do everything we can to make sure they’re getting the proper education?” He asked.
“Of course, but Helm has been trading and switching to be on my service constantly, and she has been declining surgeries with other surgeons to do my paperwork. It’s just a little much.”
“I understand. So she uh, she has a thing for you, then?” He joked.
Meredith laughed. She didn’t realize she had become McIdol over the years. It was funny, the student that married the teacher ended up becoming the students crush.
“Well, apparently.” She muttered.
“She’s got good taste, I must give her that.”
“She is about 20 years too young for me. My kids were being born while she was in high school.” Meredith felt her pager buzz. Hayes grabbed his too.
“9-1-1, in the pit.” They started dashing for the elevator. It always seemed the pit got overrun with emergencies when one of their own happened to be in critical state.

“What do you have for us?” Meredith asked.
“Sixteen year old female, possible OD. She was found near the docks, no idea how long she had been there. A bypasser called it in.” The paramedic said.
“Why are we suspecting an OD?” Hayes asked.
“Just look at her arms and ankles, full of needle marks.” The paramedic said. Hayes lifted the young girls covers.
“Wow, those are a lot.” He sighed. “Okay, get her a full tox screen, figure out what she’s on before administering anything.”
“Where do you want me, Hayes?”
“Nowhere, you need to be with Amelia. I’ve got this.”
“Thank you.” Meredith started walking away. She wondered to herself if Amelia had ever been that bad at her age. Poor girl, she hadn’t even graduated high school yet. Maybe she wasn’t even in high school anymore, too busy getting high. Meredith worried, what if one of her children goes off the rails? How would she handle it? Maybe she’d sent Amelia to sober them up…

Meredith kept thinking the whole elevator ride. She got off on the ICU floor, turned right and walked to ICU number 27. She was welcomed by the glass door and the sight of what seemed like a hundred tubes around her body.
“How you holding up?” Meredith sat down.
“I-“ Link sighed, “I don’t know. What if she never wakes up? What am I gonna tell Scout?”
“Well, he wouldn’t understand… not for a few years, anyway…”
“That’s not funny Meredith. I don’t want our son to grow up without a mother!”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t want my kids to grow up without a father either, but here we are.”
“Derek, right?” He looked from Meredith to Amelia. "Amelia talks about him a lot. How he kept her sober, how he inspired her to become a neurosurgeon too. He seems like someone I would have gotten along with. Maybe he would have been able to save her,” he paused, “I don’t even know.” Link put his head in his hands.
“Maybe things would have turned out differently, maybe they wouldn’t have. We did what we could, now it’s up to Amelia and God… or something, I don’t know. Are you religious?” Meredith realized she didn’t know his religious beliefs.
“No, I am not, but I’ll pray anyway.” He said. 

“Did you see her chart?” He asked Meredith.
“No? Is something wrong?” Meredith got up and grabbed the chart from the bed frame. There were a lot of lists to go through after Amelia’s admission and surgeries. There was nothing that particular stood out to her at first.
“Morphine? They gave her morphine?” Meredith looked at Link.
“In the field, yeah. Hughes, the paramedic that works with Ben, she didn’t know and administered it before Ben could stop her. They’re keeping her on it, Tom thinks she’ll recover better and quicker if she’s on morphine.”
“Well, scientifically that might be true. But with Amelia’s history… I doubt this would have been what she’d want.”
“What if she slips because of this?” He looked at Meredith. She didn’t know an answer either. She could see Link was genuinely worried about her, and so was she. She was lucky enough to not have known Amelia on booze or drugs, but Maggie had told her the stories of Amelia while she herself recovered from the attack of her patient. They weren’t pretty and nice, and if you know Amelia, the person she becomes doesn’t seem like her at all. It also would take a certain toll on everyone, and the kids at home…
“Maybe we could get her off the morphine now, cold turkey. Maybe it’ll be out of her system before she wakes up.” Meredith suggested.
“Tom decided she should stay on it. As to not stress her spinal injuries.”
“I have power of attorney. If I decide she’s gonna be off of it, she’s off.”
“Well, I am her fiancé-“
“You’re her boyfriend. She turned down your proposal, Link.” He looked at her.
“Because she didn’t want it to feel forced. I have been trying to propose for over a year, but first Owen and Teddy got re-engaged, then Richard and Catherine… The timing kept being interrupted.”
“If that’s what makes you able to sleep at night…” Meredith murmured.
“What do you mean? We have a child together.”

Meredith doubted for a moment. She knew Link loved Amelia, and Amelia loved Link, but she also knew her sister didn’t want a marriage with him due to the different lives they imagined with each other. She knew Amelia would need support after this, but she wasn’t sure Link should be involved the way he thought he would be going to be involved. If only Derek were here, she could have asked him.
“Well,” she started, “First of all she has a bad history with engagements, and marriage. Relationships in general. Maybe it’s a trigger for her, or something. Second of all, why don’t you just ask her?”
“Yeah, perfect idea, ask someone who’s unconscious.”
“No, when she wakes up, you moron. You’ve spent plenty of time together, why haven’t you asked her why she turned it down?”
“But that doesn’t mean-“
“We do not get an opinion on Amelia’s feelings, Link. She has a lot of them, and she needs to figure them out herself. If this isn’t what she wants… then there’s nothing you or I can do about it.” Meredith said. 

Chapter Text

Meredith started walking. Out of Amelia’s room, past the elevator, left by the nurses station to the stairs. She liked to walk when she was thinking, but as she couldn’t go for a run right now, a jog to the neuro wing should satisfy her for now. When she reached the third floor, she immediately went up to the desk.
“Have you seen Koracick?” She asked Teddy, who was scribbling on a clipboard.
“No, I have not. He isn’t speaking to me, so you shouldn’t ask me. Why didn’t you page him?” Teddy asked.
“Because I need him now. But not in a dying patient way.” Meredith sighed. She was a little sweaty from the jog up the stairs. She should not have done that after putting her body through so much already these past 30 hours.
“You okay?” Teddy asked.
“It’s fine, I just really need to find Tom while he is still here.”
“Oh! Oh, my God. Meredith I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you two were involved-“
“What?”
“You- you and Tom? That’s why you need him, right?” Teddy asked, very confused.
“Teddy!”
“He is really good in bed, so I totally understand. He likes to hide out in the attending lounge, you’ll probably catch him there.” Teddy winked, and walked away towards the elevators.
“I am not sleeping with Tom!” Meredith yelled. Teddy laughed while she got on the elevator, leaving a slightly frustrated and flustered Meredith behind.

Meredith was very confused as to why everyone kept thinking she and Tom were involved. He was a manwhore, the same way Mark Sloan had been. Though Tom wasn’t family, it felt like she would be sleeping with family. And it felt as a betrayal to Derek: sleeping with the neurosurgeon who trained Amelia. She had promised herself to never fall in love with another neurosurgeon. Any other specialty was fine, just not neuro.
She started walking again, this time heading to the attending lounge. Meredith hoped to catch Tom before he left for Boston. She was in a fog while walking. The lack of sleep and the strain she had put on her body were catching up to her. She wondered if Tom still had lasting symptoms from his covid infection, because she sure did. They were in the same age category, and contracted it around the same time. After his departure, they hadn’t stayed in touch, as there was no reason to. But she wondered sometimes, if she was one of the few unlucky ones who would have permanent symptoms.

“Tom! Wait!”
“Dr. Grey, have you revisited my offer? I was about to leave for Boston, but I will gladly catch a plane later.” Tom smiled at her.
“That’s just- wrong.” Meredith sighed. “On so many levels.”
“What’s the fun if there isn’t some sort of secrecy about it?” Meredith didn’t answer him. If she would continue the conversation this way, there wouldn’t be much answers.
“But I am sensing that isn’t what you came after me for?”
“No, it’s not.” Meredith said.
“It’s the morphine, isn’t it?”
“Yes. Why did you put her on it? You know her history, you know her wishes from the tumor removal… Why?”
“Obviously, I wouldn’t put her on it if I thought she could do without. But when she is going to wake up, she is going to experience a pain like never before. She got mangled in a car accident, had 20 different surgeries… She will go insane if we don’t manage her pain.”
“I understand all that, but-"
“No, you don’t. Amelia will do anything to get sober again, but right now, we need to make sure she even gets that chance. If that means morphine until at least some of her injuries are starting to heal, so be it.” He said. Meredith understood, but she didn’t like it.
“Tom, I know all of that. Of course I want her to heal, but does that really mean we have to sent her down this dark road of giving up her sobriety?”
“If you want to keep her alive, yes. Because without it, she will not want to be alive, which counteracts her recovery. Excuse me, I have a plane to catch.” Tom walked away.
Meredith wasn’t at all satisfied with his reaction. Maybe she’d pull Maggie into the loop, she probably knew Amelia better these past few months than Meredith. She reached for her pager and paged Maggie to ICU 27 with code 111. The sister chief trifecta had their own code for family business. It had been hers and Dereks in case something had happened to the kids, but now it was good use with her sisters.

“Mer? Why did you page me? Is there a change?” Maggie asked.
“No, but I want you to think with me.”
‘You’re freaking me out, what’s going on?” Maggie sat down opposite of Meredith. Amelia was between them.
“Look at her chart, what they administered in the field.”
Maggie reached for the chart. She started swiping.
“Morphine!? They gave her morphine?”
“Yes, and Tom thinks she should stay on it.”
“This is bad, Mer.”
“I know. As power of attorney, I have the decisions over her medical care. But I am not supposed to make this decision on my own, I shouldn’t be. Amelia would want us to decide this together.”
“Decide what?” Maggie sounded concerned.
“Whether or not to keep her on morphine.”
“Well, AA is very clear on no exceptions except medical, assigned by a doctor. But we both know she wouldn’t want it this way… She’d rather die of pain than slip. She proved that with the rumor."
“I know. But what if we keep her on it for now, and as soon as her incisions start to heal, get her off of the morphine. That way she’ll be in our care for a very long time without the possibility to slip up. It still isn’t a guarantee, but isn’t it better than cold turkeying her before she’s even conscious?” Meredith thought out loud. Maggie seemed to think about it for a few seconds.
“We should ask her.” Maggie sighed. “We should ask her as soon as she wakes up. I think she values her sobriety way more than the pain.”
“Alright then.”

“Dr. Grey?”
Meredith had dozed off. For a second, she didn’t know where she was. And then it all came back.
“Dr. Grey?” Schmitt asked again
“What? What is it?” Meredith stretched her arms above her head and yawned.
“Jo- Sorry- Dr. Wilson asked me to get you. There is a- a patient in the pit with some abdominal issues and she keeps screaming she only wants to be assisted by you. No one can get through to her. I figured you’d be here,” he looked around for a second, “giving, everything that happened.”
“Who’s the patient?” Meredith asked. She knew she was known, but for a patient to refuse medical care except from her? That was a new one. For everything’s a first, right?
“Molly.”
“Molly? Molly who?” Meredith asked.
“Molly Grey.” Lexie’s other sister. Her other sister. Meredith shot up. Molly hadn’t been in the country for years. Her husband was a marine, so they were stationed all over the world. After Lexie’s funeral, they hadn’t spoken anymore. Not even for their dad’s funeral. They were in the middle of India when he died, without any possibility to get there.
“Mer? Who’s Molly?” Maggie asked. They must’ve woken her too.
“Molly Grey, Lexie’s younger sister. I didn’t even know she was in the country.” Meredith got up. She put her coat on, and slid into her shoes. She felt a need to hurry, but also not. If she was in that much pain she’d let Wilson do some tests. Why was it, that every time she got a minute to breathe, even more problems arose?
“Page me if anything changes.” She told Maggie, while she started walking to the elevators with Schmitt.

“Did you take a history?” Meredith asked.
“No-no, we-I- There is no way to get through her yelling. Her voice box is, very, very loud.” Schmitt said.
“Loud?” Meredith asked. The Molly she remembered didn’t even scream in active labor.
“Yes. No one can think in the ER. It is crazy, in there. We moved her to a trauma room and closed the doors so she wouldn’t wake the dead, but she, God, she screams as if something is actively trying to maul her.” Meredith was absolutely stunned by Schmitt’s description... Were they really talking about the same Molly here? She doubted it.
“Any medical records we can access?”
“No, we’re still trying to get the German-American Army Hospital to sign over the documents, but as she’s a marine spouse, they’re being complicated.” Schmitt said. Meredith had an idea, and she’d be able to clear the air with Teddy this way from their earlier miscommunication. Teddy would have some type of contact with that base.
“Get me Teddy.” She said.
“Why? I know she worked in the army and all, but was she really that big of a deal?” Schmitt had regretted his words before he had even spoken them.
“Schmitt!” Meredith yelled. “You cannot say that.” Meredith said. Where did he learn manners?
“And yes,” Meredith continued, “she was. Not per se in the army, but she left years ago to run the Army hospital in Germany.”
“R-really?”
“Yes, she was asked by the American Army personally. So yes, she is that good. Now, get me Teddy. She’ll be able to put a lot more pressure on this.”
“Yes, of course. I-I’ll just go get her.” And off he went.

“Hi, Molly?” Meredith started carefully.
“Dr. Grey! Finally- Oh- My- GOD!” She yelled out. Schmitt was right, this was Molly, and she was really screaming.
“Okay, where is your pain located?” Meredith did a quick push set on Molly’s abdomen, trying to force a specific reaction from one side preferably. It might be an appy.
“Everywhere! It’s everywhere!” She squirmed on the table. Meredith knew her pain tolerance wasn’t low, so therefore, something really must be going on.
“Wilson, what do you have her on?”
“Uh, I gave her ten of morphine, and 5 of diazepam. But there hasn’t been a change in her pain.”
“Okay, get her another 5 of morphine.” Meredith said, while trying to get her hands on the squirming Molly.
“Have you been traveling lately?” Meredith asked.
“We- oh god- we went on vacation to Guatemala about a month ago!”
“Did you eat anything? Got bitten by anything?” Meredith continued.
“No! Nothing out of the ordinary! GOD, this hurts.” She curled up on the table in a fetal position.
“And your husband? Where are you stationed right now?”
“Alaska. I flew to Seattle, to visit his grave, you know.” Molly said.
“Oh, I am sorry, I didn’t know he was deceased. My condolences.”
“No, our father's! My husband is still very alive. You did a great job on his headstone, Meredith. Thank you for that.” Molly looked at Meredith. “I am sorry I couldn’t make it his funeral.”

“Wait. Hold on a minute.” Jo said. She looked very confused. Meredith waited, hoping she had found something in Molly’s chart. “She is your sister? How many secret sisters do you have Meredith?” That was not the revelation Meredith had hoped for.
“This is the last one, I swear. Molly, do you have a tenderness of the left or right mostly?” Meredith asked.
“It moves every few so minute or something. It really hurts.”
“Moves?” Jo looked at Meredith. “As is from side to side, or in waves?”
“Side to side. Oh my-“ She squirmed in pain again.
“Dr. Wilson, can you get me the echo?” Jo reached over for the portable machine. Unknowingly, they were on the same page. This sounded like parasites. Jo lifted Molly’s shirt, and completed the echo. Something was definitely alive inside her. Jo gave Meredith the look.
“Call the OR. Get an abdominal exploration set-up ready.” Meredith said.
“What? What is it?”
“Something is alive, we’re gonna remove it.” Jo said.
“Oh my god… Someone call my husband, please.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll take very good care of you.”

Meredith's phone buzzed. It was Teddy. 
"Teddy? Did Schmitt tell you about the marine spouse in our care?"
"Yes, and I put pressure behind getting her records which Germany just sent over to me. They're completely clean, except a nut allergy. So, can't help you. And I'm about to get into an aortic valve replacement, so I can't assist you. Oh, and I'm stealing your intern. Mine is out with covid." And a click sounded. the conversation was done. Damn it, Meredith thought. 

Jo and Meredith started to roll Molly to the elevator. They both saw the echo, something was certainly moving inside Molly. It didn’t look like worms, but there had been movement. Both were thinking of possible suspects that could have Molly in this much pain.
Maybe Richard would want in on this surgery, he loved to collect weird things found in the body. But Meredith already had Wilson with her, and as she didn't have an intern now, she'd certainly need Jo.
Once they reached the OR floor they quickly got Molly into pre op. Meredith and Jo started scrubbing.

“What do you think is alive inside of her?” Jo asked.
“I have no idea, it didn’t look like worms to me.” Meredith said.
“I know, right? And Quatamala, they have some pretty weird things, right? Spiders, fish… Maybe something got stuck and tried to eat it’s way out?” Jo suggested.
“Or the body is trying to get it out, and it wants to stay in.” Meredith countered.
“Ah, gross.” They kept scrubbing for a bit more before stepping foot in the OR.

“Gown and glove, please.” Jo said. Meredith followed her example.
“What if it jumps out of her.”
“Oh, Wilson, dear God. Stop freaking yourself out. It’s just another surgery.” Meredith said.
“Except it’s not.”
“You wanna take the lead on this one?” Meredith asked.
“Yes! It’s been too long.” Jo sighed, while stepping into the sterile field on the lead surgeons side. Meredith stood opposite of her.
“You are an attending, you know. And even though you’re about to start an OB-GYN fellowship, you’re also a general surgeon, and if you keep practicing, always will be. You can take any general case, you know that.”
“I know. It’s just-“ Jo started, “It’s just so weird. I know I have done the whole fellowship, but even though it was general, I have never felt like a general surgeon. Never.” Jo said.
“Bohkee, ten blade please.” Jo started cutting.

“Why?” Meredith asked. “Why don’t you feel like a general surgeon? You were my student, you did an ALPPS after seeing it once, without another general surgeon directly present. You came up with such amazing ideas on how to find malignancies without operating which caused Bailey to literally, privately, buy you as a fellow before turning over to me. You are my surgical child, Wilson, and I don’t say that lightly.” Jo looked at her teacher. For a minute she had regretted her words, how ever true they are.
“Well, I guess.” Jo sighed. “Oh no, Meredith, look at this.” Jo took out Molly’s bowel. It was almost completely black for a good 40 centimeters.
“Necrotic bowel. Whatever is in there, we better get it out quickly. We’re gonna have to resect this part.” Meredith sighed. “Bohkee, clamps."
“You hold it, I cut.”
“Thought you didn’t feel like a general surgeon?” Meredith joked.
“Yeah, well, this is way to interesting to not be cutting.” Jo cut the bowel.
“Basin, please.” Jo called out. 

“Oh wow, this stool is, also very black. Was not expecting this much wrong with her.” Jo squeezed Molly’s bowel slowly. There was no sign of something alive to be found.
“Oh my god!” Jo jumped. A fat, hairy spider came running out of her abdomen, past the incision Jo had made. It’s small eyes met with Jo’s.
“That’s a spider. And a big one.”
“Get it! Someone get it!” Jo screamed.
“You’re afraid of spiders?” Meredith laughed. “It’s just a spider."
“Living inside someone, Meredith! A spider that survived in a human freaking being! What if it starts eating on of us, what then?”
“You’re being paranoid. Bohkee, suction please.”
“You’re gonna vacuum the spider?” Jo was in total disbelief.
“I’m gonna vacuum the spider.”

Chapter Text

A loud, wasp-inside-of-a-glass like ringing woke me. I wanted to open my eyes, but I was weak and tired. My eyelids were heavy, and if I could sleep forever, I would. My body felt like it had been ripped apart by a bear. Every neuron in my body fired a thousand times harder than it had ever done before, actively making me feel like someone put me in hot water and was blowing an icy wind over my wet hair. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry and die from the pain I felt. Where was I? Where was everyone?

“Amelia?” Yes. Someone was there. Someone cared enough about me to be here. I knew the voice, I just couldn’t place it. I tried to dig deep, but even my brain hurt. This felt like how my brain had felt directly after my tumor was removed, which either meant I had brain surgery, or at least an head injury. If only I could remember why I was here and what had happened to me.
“Amelia?” Oh no. They couldn’t see me move, they couldn’t hear me speak. I am in the garden; a vegetable.
“I don’t know if you’re awake or not. Or if you can even hear me.” Yes, yes I can hear you, but you can’t hear me. “But, you have to fight, like hell, okay? There are so many people here that have been in and out for over the past two weeks, but they’re getting scared. Hell, even I am getting scared. I know you’ve made a very successful live here, but you’re not done yet. So please, for them, fight.” Two weeks? I had been out for two weeks? What happened to me? And who was here talking to me?
“Your niece, Zola, she has been here every day reading to you. I wonder if you’ve heard anything she said. I think the things she was reading to you were letters to her dad. They were beautiful. Anyway, I hope you wake up soon. I’ll be here for the time being. Take care.” It was a women’s voice. It wasn’t Merediths, and it wasn’t Maggie’s either. There was a slight speech pattern I recognized, but it didn’t click. Bailey had a total different way of talking, so she was of my list too. Obviously, the males were too. It could be Jo, or maybe Teddy. But then again, what reason would Teddy have to visit me? But Jo didn’t have one, either. Maybe they could come back, and she’ll say something that I could identify her off.
Until then, I guess I’ll just keep feeling the pain and hope my body will produce movement or sound to alert someone I am awake. Or maybe I’ll be stuck in this state forever, as revenge for every piece of candy I stole from Kathleen and Liz when I was little.

I wondered if this was what brain dead felt like. Maybe, even though the brain stem died and stopped functioning, maybe people could still think. Maybe this was what was actually described as limbo. But then again, brain dead people didn’t wake, so how could they have described this as limbo?
I have to wake up. If I have to stay like this for eternity, I will go insane. And no one would even notice. Please, if anyone is listening, please let me live. I will go to church, I will volunteer in the clinic two- no three- days a week. I will- I will do anything.

“Amelia?” This was insane. I could hear, but I could not respond. This is what true torture was, not even sobering up had killed me on the inside quite like this.
“I know you might never actually wanna get married, but I will settle for you just being alive. Scout- he needs you. He needs his mom.” Link. Link was talking to me. “And so do I. Even if you don’t wanna marry me, I need you around. You are the love of my life.” Oh my god, he did not just say that. I know it had been weird between us for some weeks after his proposal, but I thought he would have just dropped it by now. Not confess his feelings to someone who could clearly not answer them. Although, was it really confessing if he had already proposed?

“I know I shouldn’t say it, but the rings, if you do ever want any of them, they’re in my locker.” He said. Why would you keep 40.000$ worth of turned down engagement rings in your work locker? And why were there even four rings? Any ring would have been sufficient for their purpose, if I had wanted a ring. But I don’t. I can’t do marriage again, with my track record. Marriage destroys me, and I destroy marriages.
“I don’t know what to do, Amelia. Scout hasn’t slept through the night for weeks. Maggie and Meredith have been sleeping here almost every night, because they don’t want to go home and leave you alone. I may not be a neurosurgeon, but you should have been awake by now, right?” If I had been here two weeks, depending on how severe my brain injury was, yes, I should have been. Even I know how this looks. I don’t even care if I wake up and speak freaking French again, Scout will grow up multilingual which has great benefits, but I have to wake up. Move, groan. Cry, even. I don’t care, but my body needs to do something.

“Was that movement?” Link asked. I don’t know, was it?
“Amelia, do that again.” The woman’s voice said. She sounded bossy, and there was a southern accent. If I could just pinpoint who it was.
“Page Grey and Pierce!” Did I move? Did I do it? Oh, please, say I moved.
“She just did it again. Amelia, can you open your eyes?” Link asked.

It took everything I had in me, but I managed to open them. The room was incredibly light, it hurts. But, I was awake. I saw movement in my room, but besides the knowledge Link was there, I still had no idea who were actually present around me. Everyone looked like blobs.
“You paged us? Did something happen?” Meredith asked.
“She’s awake!” Link said. Before I knew it, a bright light was put in my eyes. I groaned. Wait, I made sound.
“Reactive to light, audible. Did she move yet?” Meredith asked. She had always been the more serious one in situations like these.
“Yes, she moved her fingers."
“That’s good. That’s-that’s amazing!” Maggie. Of course, it was Maggie. I couldn’t be more thankful both of them were here.
“Amelia, can you move your fingers again?” Meredith asked.
“Shut up.” That was my voice. I talked.
“Alright, she’s awake.” Again, that voice. “Amelia, don’t move too much, you’ve had multiple surgeries, and you’re a little rough around the edges right now.”
“I don’t care. Please leave, everyone is giving me a headache worse than when my tumor got removed.” I mumbled. Even my own voice hurt inside my head.
“You had a tumor? And you didn’t call me?” If this person doesn’t tell me who they are right freaking now, I’m going to throw rocks. Or i would, if I could move.

“Who even are you? I can’t make out your face, you’re blurry.” I managed to ask.
“What, you leave eight years ago and suddenly you don’t know me anymore? If I had feelings, they’d be hurting right now.” For a minute it stayed quiet. My brain hurt, but I must figure out who this was. Southern accent, from what I could see she was blonde, tall. Her voice was kind of raspy and cold, but there was something I recognized in it. Why was she here? How did she find out?
“Charlotte?” I asked.
“Damn right I am.” I could cry happy tears right now. God, how I had missed her. I felt awful, not having kept her up to date about my live. She had tried contacting me so many times, but I always ignored it and replied with a “sorry, about to go into surgery, maybe next week?” text.
“Can you guys head out? Amelia and I, we have things to… discuss.” Charlotte said. “I’ll page every single on of ya when I head out, don’t you worry.”

They started heading out. Except Charlotte, who sat down besides me. I wanted to move my head and look at her, but I couldn’t. Something stopped me from turning my head.
“Don’t try and move, you’re in a collar.” She said. Great. So I did in fact, have head and spine trauma.
“So, I heard you have been up to a lot these past few years. Married, divorced, pregnant, proposed to… No one told me about the tumor, but then again, we haven’t spoken in years.” She said. Obviously, I had hurt her. I knew that. But Charlotte didn’t forgive easily, so there must have been a very good reason she was here.
“Chalotte, I-“
“I wasn’t finished.”
“Charlotte- I am so, so sorry.”
“I know sugar cube. That’s why I am here.” Charlotte touched my hand. Her hands were warm. I tried to grab them, but more than a finger stroke wasn’t coming out of the movement.
“Amelia, we have to discuss something.”
“That sounds ominous.” I tried to force a laugh, which ended in a coughing noise. Great.
“You were in a car accident. You have had,” I heard a ticking noise, “A femur reconstruction, a cast around your left leg, foot reset, C4 and C5 reconstructed to decompress your spinal cord, an evacuated hematoma and a lot more, mostly broken bones. The biggest loss is your spleen, and a part of your left kidney.” Oh my god, I had been mangled. A single tear left my eye. I should have been dead if I heard what Charlotte was telling me correctly.

“And there is one more thing, Amelia.”
“What, I lost my hand? My sight? Can’t be a surgeon anymore? Because if that’s the case, please strangle me right now.” I said.
“They put you on morphine.”
The fact I was laying down saved me from fainting. Morphine might be the one thing worse than not being a surgeon anymore.
I heard my heart monitor beep, presumably because my pulse had just commenced racing. Morphine. They gave me fucking morphine? Whoever had decided this, as soon as I get my full body function back, you’re on my hit list.
“Don’t cry. I don’t do well with tears, you know that.” Charlotte said.
“They gave me morphine, Charlotte. For 1,181 days I have been sober. And now, all that’s gone. Again.” A tear rolled down my cheeks. I could feel the salty residue staining my skin. “I have child, for fucks sake. I cannot-“ I couldn’t even speak anymore. My crying kept me from it.
“I know. That’s why they brought me in.”
“Yeah, about that-“ I started, “Who even called you?”
“Meredith did. Well, technically, she called Addison. But she had a laboring mom with quints, so she sent me.”
“You sent yourself, Charlotte.”
“Also true.”

“Why?” I asked her. “I haven’t called you in eight years. Why haven’t you given up on me?”
“Because, stupid.” Charlotte said. Like that was an actual answer I’d be accepting.
“No, really. Why?” I heard movement besides me. I think she got up.
“I’m going to stand so I can look at you when I tell you this.”
“Okay.”
“I miss you. The practice has been dying for years, and since you left without telling anyone, I haven’t been doing the best I could.” She sighed. There was more to this, I felt it.  “I had 6,989 days sober. And then, when the pandemic hit, and everyone was at home all the time, I started working 130 hours a week. My body isn’t what it used to be, so I used some kickers.” She said. I could see her, but just barely. Something was wrong with my sight, but I made mental note to bring that up with my next neuro check.
“What happened?”
“Cooper kicked my ass is what happened when he found pills in my bag. I sobered myself up, but he still won’t leave me alone with the rug rats. And now I have 137 days. A fraction of what you have.”
“Had.”
“Have, Amelia. It’s medical, you know AA doesn’t count that.” She said. I knew that, but still. I was in so much pain, even on morphine. And now I knew I was actively being drugged, I wouldn’t want to stop. I don’t want to feel this pain.

“But, there is something else we needed to discuss. Meredith and Maggie looped me in, and they’ve got some pretty clever ideas.” Charlotte stood over me.
“Whatever they are, I don’t care. They knew I would rather die of pain than endanger my sobriety. They did-“
“Oh give me a break, Shepherd. They didn’t do nothing wrong. They don’t understand addiction. That’s why they called me.” Charlotte said.
“Can you- just go? I have a headache. There’s a reason I left without telling anyone, and right now you’re proving me I did the right thing.” Truth was, I didn’t want to hear it. My sobriety was fucked up, Charlotte was here and I was in pain. If I could have, I would have set foot in Joe’s and drank until I was comatose and they’d need to pump my stomach. And then, I’d do it again.
“I’ll be right here when you wake again. We’re not done having this conversation.”

Chapter Text

I was done. I was done having this conversation. I had wanted to contact Charlotte for years, but after my relapse here, in Seattle, it didn’t feel justified to call the model recovered addict. I was wrong, and I hated being wrong. God, stupid! I should have just called, visited even. No, not visited, what if I had run into James? I am such an idiot!
It was too late now anyway, she was already here, and ready to forgive me. I didn’t deserve that, not after the way I left. Why did my messes always have a way of catching up to me? Right, ‘cause I’m an addict. Apparently a better recovered addict than Charlotte, which is very surprising. I thought she’d make it. If one of us was going to survive recovery, it was her.
Why was she really here? I don’t think it’s what she says it is. I have slipped before, someone could have called her then. And they didn’t. Though, that time I was actively choosing to mess up, and now I might slip because some moron wants me to stay on morphine. Maybe she was genuinely here to help me.

“Charlotte?” I asked, quietly.
“I thought you went to sleep?”
“I lied. But so did you.” I said. “Why are you here?”
There was a silence. Maybe she’d pull a me, tell me she was going to sleep.
“I am on step nine.” She said. “And, after the rugrats, and Cooper, and… well the blood suckers of surgeons and psychiatrists of the practice of course, I wanted- I needed- to make amends to you too Amelia.”
“Why? I was the one who left.”
“Yes, and I hated you for it. I hated you so much, that even when I was in serious trouble, I didn’t want to put it aside and freaking call you. I was so mad, I tore apart every picture we had together, every single one. God, Amelia, I hated you so much I tried to cut you outta my life the same way you did me. That’s not sober behavior. I might have taken kickers only 137 days ago, but I haven’t truly been sober for years.” What does she expect me to say? I, I don’t even know what to think.
“So?”
“So, here I am.”

“Are you actually going to say anything else, or are you just going to keep pretending you’re here for me?” I asked. “Sorry, that was mean. I don’t know what to say, Charlotte, what do you want me to say?” I sighed.
“Damnit Amelia, would you just listen!”
“It’s not like I can go anywhere now, is it Charlotte?”
“I swear to God…” She breathed. “No, you know what. I am sober, I’m doin’ my steps. And you, you are gonna listen.”

“Is everything alright in here?” Mira asked.
“Yes, perfect.” Charlotte said.
“No.” I said. I have never been more grateful for a nurse than this very moment. Mira was a nurse on my floor, the neuro wing. She was one of the best. She always knew exactly whose vitals were off, who needed their drains taken out, everything.
“Mira, can you page Meredith? Please?”
“Of course, Dr. Shepherd. Anything else you need?”
“No, thank you. We’re good.” Charlotte said.
“Do not talk to Mira that way. She is the best neuro nurse we have, you’re not gonna run her off, Charlotte.”
“For crying out loud Amelia, don’t act like you’re one bit better than I am.” Charlotte said. 

I know I’m not better than Charlotte. While I messed up two times in my sobriety, she only messed up once. Her track record was way better. She was chief of staff at an east coast hospital, worked for a private practice run by Addison and had a beautiful family. When I lived in L.A., she had everything I had ever wanted. Woman in power, children, loving partner. I know I wasn’t doing too bad these last five years myself, but I wasn’t the one who had 16 years of sobriety to my name. Keyword being had here, because right now, Charlotte wasn’t better than me. We were in the same boat, just rowing different directions.
I should not give her this hard of a time, she is just trying to work her steps, I thought to myself. But it was already too late, I had to push through now.

“You paged?” Meredith said. Yes, finally. Meredith was probably the only one Charlotte would take commands from. If only I had full function, this conversation would probably be going in a total different direction. I also still couldn’t see properly, which concerned me.
“I want her out of here.” I said.
“Oh come on, Shepherd. How am I going to help you if you won’t accept it?”
“I accept the help, just not now, and not from you. Meredith, please, get her out.”
Meredith looked at Charlotte. Oh my God, Meredith Grey, world class surgeon, was afraid of Charlotte freaking King-Freedman? You have got be kidding me. The one time Meredith is afraid of someone, it’s this time.
“Did you two discuss what we talked about earlier?” Meredith asked Charlotte.
“No, she’s been biting my head off, even from that bed. Haven’t told her about the options yet, and she won’t listen to me. I’m gonna head out, and I’ll be back in the morning. I’m staying at the hotel across the street, in case ya decide to put your issues aside and need me.” Charlotte grabbed her black cowboy purse from the chair she had been sitting in, and her beige coat wrong the chair’s side and headed out. The doors let in a cold, as the ICU was in the basement.

“God, I hate her.” I said. I didn’t actually hate her, but I was so incredibly mad and pissed off right now. I wanted to get out of this stupid freaking bed, out of this stupid freaking hospital.
“She’s the one in the picture, wearing the red dress, right? In your bedroom, on the dresser.”
“How’d you know that?”
“I have been cleaning, you know. The work at home doesn’t stop because one of us is in the hospital in a non-surgeon way.” This is what I loved about Meredith. Though we weren’t always nice to each other, she was the only one who didn’t look at me like I was dying pigeon with foam coming out it’s beak. She even made jokes, made me laugh.
"Yeah, she’s the one in the picture.” I sighed.
“Then why are you shutting her out? She’s right besides the photo with Derek, so she must have meant a lot to you.”
“Truth?” I asked. Meredith nodded.
“She is a reminder of my past lives. She was my very best friend, and when I moved to Seattle, I didn’t tell her. And I was too afraid to talk to her.”
“Because you were scared of her?”
“Because I was scared she’d be able to convince me to move back to L.A. and what that would mean for the rest of my life.” I sighed. “I hurt people over there, Mer. Addison, Charlotte… James. I hurt them when I ran. And there is no apology that’s good enough for why I ran.”

“So, why did you run?” Meredith asked after a while. Truth be told, I didn’t want to tell Meredith about this. She wasn’t the sister I shared these kind of things with, though maybe this would be an excellent time to become that. But I’m not ready.
“I actually wanted to talk to you about something else. My sight-“ Meredith got up and probbed her tiny light in my eye. “I can’t see clearly, everything looks blurry. I can see the difference between your face and hair, but I can’t see your eyes or nose. You’re a blob.”
“We’re gonna run some tests.” Meredith said. She grabbed one of the white tubs in the room. “Can you tell me when you start seeing clear?”
She held up a few small, round circles. Wait, aren’t those the things they use to test you for glasses? I needed glasses? No that couldn’t be, that would mean I needed lenses after this. Shit. I would have a longer time adjusting my scopes from now on, because I can’t operate with actual prescription glasses. Damn it.
“Blurry, but better.” I said, as Meredith held the first pair in front of my eyes.
“And now?” She grabbed another pair.
“Almost clear, but not yet."
“Okay, so, there is some damage to your eyes. But, as we just saw, glasses are gonna fix that for you just fine. Nothing to worry about.”
“Who operated on me? Did you watch them do it? Did they mess up?” I asked
“ Well, I- Tom operated.”
“Tom? Isn’t he in Boston now?”
“Bailey flew him in from Boston while you underwent other surgeries.” Meredith said.
“So, they waited on evacuating my hematoma? Idiots!” I said.
“I didn’t wait. They wanted me to, but I figured you would have said that if we had waited.” Meredith said, putting the box away on top the dresser she got it from.
“Wait-“ Did Meredith operate on me? On my brain?
“I evacuated the hematoma. There was no time to wait for Tom.”
“You did brain surgery on me?” Total disbelief. I was shocked. Badass. Meredith was a bad ass. It could have been so much worse if they had waited longer.
“Well, Derek taught me well."
“You’re a general surgeon!”
“Yes, and you weren’t able to operate now, were you?”
I laughed. This was so stupid. I had been in a life threatening car wreck, and I only lost my spleen, a part of a kidney, and I needed glasses.
“Thank you, Mer.”
“I know.”

We were quiet for some time. I could hear Meredith ticking on her phone, probably updating Maggie about the status of my sight. I should probably start interviewing people for the position of interim chief of neuro when I can, we have a serious problem if anyone with a serious head injury gets admitted here. They’re probably being sent to the other Fox hospital in the city now, but still. One neurosurgeon in an entire department is tempting fate. I’m not even sure how long I am going to be out for, maybe they’d need a permanent position.

“What was Charlotte gonna tell me?” I asked. I was curious now.
“Nope, you’re gonna have to call her if you want to know.”
“Oh, come on! I am in the hospital, basically blind and dead. You put me on morphine, you owe me this.” I said.
“You know about the morphine?” Meredith asked.
“Yeah, of course I do. I’m Amelia Shepherd, and an addict. I wouldn’t have been speaking if I didn’t have morphine in my system. I’m still in pain, but not as much.” I said.
“That’s actually what Charlotte was going to ask you. Do you want to stay on morphine, or get off? And if you want to get off, right now this minute, or not yet?” She asked.
I thought about is for a minute. Getting off meant pain, lots and lots of pain. But I had done it before, and that didn’t go great. But staying on meant a lot of potential for a slip. My sobriety means everything to me. Mind over matter. Sobriety over pain. 

“Off.” I said. “Right now.”

Chapter Text

Seven weeks, I had been here. Seven weeks I have laid in this bed, in this room. Seven weeks of looking at the ceiling, counting the tiles over and over again, of looking at the flowers people brought in and watch them wither away. Wither away the same way my spirit did. God, I was bored.
I have been so incredibly bored, and I think I have solved the major world problems like hunger, poverty and even invented devices to do surgery with just ones mind. No errors, no issues. Or maybe I was just hallucinating them, so I could do something else with my mind. Keep me active.

Meredith had brought by a suture kit five weeks ago, and I had stolen Maggie’s oranges and apples whenever she came in to keep me busy as soon as I was able to move my arms. PT wouldn’t start for another few weeks, I needed to have a healed abdomen for that as to not rip my incisions open, so suturing would be great in the mean time.
I had figured out I had full range of my hands, as every suture I did was perfect. They weren’t when I started, but now? After five weeks of either daydreaming or suturing? They were better than ever before. My dexterity on the other hand? Completely down the drain, which sucked. I would be stuck doing craniotomies for weeks when I would be back. If I would be back.

“You ready to go home?” Maggie asked.
“I was ready weeks ago.”
“Alright. Put your hands around me, I’ll put you in the wheelchair. Meredith’s waiting with the car, and Charlotte and Link are at home, readying everything.” I did as I was told, and was put in the chair.
“Charlotte’s still here?” I asked. I thought she would have went home after our conversation weeks ago. I hadn’t called her back in, because let’s face it, when I hold a grudge, I will not let go first. But Charlotte had already given in first, so why was I really not giving in?
“Refusing to leave without talking to you. She’s stubborn, really, really stubborn. You know who she reminds me of?” Maggie asked.
“Who?”
“You. She reminds me of you.”
“Seriously?” Could this get any worse? Why did she and Meredith love Charlotte so much? Where was their loyalty to me, their sister?
“Seriously!”
“I don’t know whether to be offend right now by that statement, or ask you if you have been whacked over the head with a stick so hard you’re brain damaged. I thought I was the one in the family who made poor judgement calls, and had brain surgery. Twice!” I mumbled.
“I will pretend I did not hear that, because as a doctor, I could hide your body somewhere no one will ever find it. Okay?” She said.
“Alright, alright. Let’s go, wheel me off into the darkness of the night, sister.”

The car ride was kind of silent. I didn’t really mind, the lights outside were pretty in the evening. I hadn’t really noticed them before. The blue ones and the yellow ones, I think they’re matching their surroundings. The blue ones were by the water, and the yellow ones throughout the city. I believe I even saw green ones in the inner city’s park. Seattle was actually kind of beautiful, I should appreciate it more. Unlike New York, or L.A., Seattle wasn’t overcrowded with wannabe celebrities, and Vogue models who rode their high horses into every shop in existence. And it didn’t smell like dead rodents. Seattle; one of the most under appreciated cities in America. 

“So, have you thought about what you wanna eat?” Meredith asked.
“I get to choose?”
“Of course you do! You have eaten crappy hospital food for seven weeks, you deserve something that doesn’t try and eat you back from the inside of your GI tract.” Meredith said.
“Okay. Pancakes, I vote pancakes.” I loved pancakes. Derek made them for me growing up, every Sunday morning. He made them for me, and me only. We’d sneak out after making them, sit on the porch and watch the sunrise. Even when I was in rehab, he used to sneak pancakes in and we’d sit together in the garden and watch the sunrise. It was our way of saying ‘we’re alright. We’re going to get through this, together.’
“We’re out of milk.” Maggie said.
“Okay then… lasagna?” Another one of my favorite foods.
“Had to throw out the meat this morning. It smelled sour. Bailey put it in the cooling department instead of the freezer, sorry.” Meredith said. Damn it, both my favorite foods were not an option.
“So, what do we have, then?”
“I think there’s some, uh-“ Meredith looked at Maggie.
“Or we could order pizza?” Maggie suggested.
“Pizza- pizza is good. Right?” Meredith asked. I could see her look through the mirror, watch my reaction.
“Yey, pizza. Ha!” I said.

We pulled into the driveway. Meredith’s house was like the tent from Harry Potter: it looked small from the outside, and yet somehow it could hold three whole ass families. I still couldn’t phantom how there was a living room big enough for twenty people to sit, a kitchen with an island to eat breakfast at, and a table, a fridge the size of a freaking polar bear, a study where every one of us had their own space, nothing big or special, but we still had our own desks and cabinets. Five surgeons, five spaces. Even the kids had their own rooms. Link and I, and Maggie and Winston shared a room, but still. Six bedrooms, one bathroom, study, living room, kitchen. Even Scout had a nursery. Oh, and I’m forgetting the coat and laundry rooms!
I know I eventually have to get a place of my own, but living together with Meredith and Maggie… it was perfect. We interchangeably take care of each other, and the kids, and no one gets stressed out. It’s perfect!

“I am going to lie on that couch of yours, snuggly with my son, and watch every single one of you run like ants through the house. My own personal reality show.” I said.
“We set up a bed for you in the study. So we don’t have to carry you upstairs every time, like we did Meredith. My back cannot do that again.” Maggie said.
“You just don’t want me upstairs because you’ll forget I exist.”
“What? Of course not!” Maggie said.
“Shut up, Amelia.” Meredith said.
I loved to do this to them. And they’re different reactions. It was my favorite past time.

“Look who got rolled in!”
“Auntie Amelia!” Zola and Bailey yelled. They flew at me.
“Hi guys!” I said. I wrapped my arms around them.
“Careful! Careful guys.” Link said. Of course he was trying to micro manage Mer’s kids.
“It’s fine Link, I can handle it.” Zola let me go, and so did Bailey. Maggie and Meredith put me on the couch.
“So, who is bringing me my kid?” I asked.
“He’s right here.” Charlotte said. She placed him on top of me. I instinctively smelled his head. That sweat, baby smell. I had missed this. You don’t get to see your baby in the ICU, as they can’t keep a mask on, don’t want to put on their PPV… Zola had been there plenty of times, but I had missed Scout.
“Hi baby-“ I said. “I missed you.”

We snuggled for a while. I hadn’t noticed how tired I was, from only the car ride and the socializing, already. It was hardly four o’clock. I watched them over pizza, drink wine. Watched the kids draw and play. Charlotte looked like she belonged here. It was weird, how well she fit between Link, Mer, Winston and Maggie, like se had always been apart of this family. Maybe they had replaced me with her. Another addict, a runner, stubborn…

“Amelia? Can we talk for a sec?” Charlotte sat down besides me. Here we go.
“Yeah, yeah, sure.” I said.
“I am gonna try this again.” She said. “I am so sorry, Amelia.” She wiped away a tear. No, don’t do that, you’re gonna make me cry too, I thought.
“I am sorry for resenting you. I am sorry for not callin’, for not showin’ up when I should’ve.” She said.
“No, Charlotte. I am sorry. Im sorry, I’m so so sorry, Charlotte!” I cried. Damn it! Why was I crying?
“Oh, tears. There are- there are tears, leaking from your eyes.” She said.
“I know that Charlotte!” Scout crawled off of me. I let him. Charlotte sat closer and wiped my left eye clean.
“Look, I am gonna hug ya, and we’re gonna eat. After that, we’re gonna talk. And when I leave tomorrow, you’re gonna call me every Friday. Okay?”
“I’d love that.” I said. She put her glass on water down on the side table and then hugged me. It had been so long since someone had hugged me this tight. I just started bawling. Damn it, why was my default emotion always crying.
“It’s okay, sugar cube. I know.” Her shirt was that weird, scrunch texture. It rubbed against my face, but it was fine. This hug, I needed it. I was so thankful she had stayed. I’m such an idiot, I should have just called her years ago. Or at least when I had relapsed. She would’ve come, she would’ve helped me. And she would’ve called me when she was in trouble. We could both stayed on the right path, together, instead of running into the woods, alone, and confused.
She would have been my maid of honor for my failed marriage, she would have been here throughout the baby-daddy-drama, she would have been here for Scout’s birth. She would have stayed in my life.

“Dinner’s here! I got-“ Link opened the pizza box, “Pepperoni, margarita and calzone?” He looked around. “Who ordered the freaking calzone?” I smiled. Link hated mushrooms in his food. Charlotte and I, however, it was our pizza. She had ordered it for us. She had remembered it.
“We did!” Charlotte said.
“You eat mushrooms?” He asked Charlotte.
“‘Course I do. Amelia and I, we have shared this pizza more times than we have shared anything in our lives, especially our feelin’s. It’s our thing. Pizza over feelin’s.” She said. Link looked very confused. I hadn’t ordered a calzone in a while, mostly because of Link.
Over the past few weeks, I realized more and more, Link and I weren’t meant to be. I didn’t want his rings, I didn’t want the live he pictured with me. I had Scout, Mer and Maggie. That was enough for me.
“She’s right.” I sighed. “Pass me a slice, I’m not allowed to reach for it.”
“Poor you."
“You know, I want to call you a name right now, but there are children here, and we just became friends again, so I won’t.” I said. Bitch, is what I had wanted to say. She handed me a slice.
“Can I say it?” Bailey asked Meredith.
“No, you cannot. Who raised you, wolves?”
“No, Auntie Maggie did.”

I laughed. Kids were amazing, they said the stupidest things and they were still so unconsciously honest. I wondered what Scout would grow into. I am terribly afraid he is going down the same path I did. I hope he doesn’t, but I can’t really know until I know, right? God, when did I become this parent? The helicopter mom? Well, I wasn’t really helicoptering yet, because this hasn’t happened yet, but God, when did I become this worry machine?

Chapter Text

Scout’s crying woke me up. How much I hated sleeping in the ICU with all the ‘code blues’ and other codes every night, Scout waking me up wasn’t ideal either. I missed when the whole house would just sleep through the night.
I wanted nothing more than get up and hold my baby, my son. This, this right here? The not being able to take care of my child’s needs, this was the worst part about not having started PT yet. I had started on my own, in secret, but I wasn’t getting very far yet. One step, sometimes two. From and to the chair. I couldn’t put my weight on my legs, because I’d collapse. Meredith was pissed when she found me the first time. After that, I made sure Maggie was the one at home when trying stunts like these. 

“Link,” I pushed my elbow in his ribs, “Get up. He’s gonna wake the whole house.”
“Cauliflowers… they aren’t actually flowers.” He mumbled. What? Was he talking in his sleep? About freaking cauliflowers? Sometimes I really question how Link made it through med school and residency. He was a very fine ortho surgeon, but I just can’t picture him doing a bowel resection, at any point in his life. Or pass and exam without cheating. but he also wasn't the kind of man that would cheat on a test. 
“Link!” I closed his nose. He’d have to wake up that way.
“Are you trying to kill me in my sleep?” He hissed at me.
“Get Scout, before he wakes the whole house.” I said.
“Alright, Jesus. Calm down.” He got up. Within a few seconds it was quiet again. Link came back with Scout.
“You want to hold him?”
“Yes, please.” I said. I stretched my arms.
“You go kiss mommy for me, so I can sleep again, big man. Maybe she’s nicer to you. Yes, maybe she is.” Link said.
“Are you going to communicate with me through a baby? Or are you gonna put on your big, bad ortho god pants and talk to me directly like a grown-up?” I asked.
“We’ll talk in the morning. I have a big surgery coming up tomorrow around noon, I need sleep.”
“You promise?”
“Of course I promise.” 

That made me feel a little bit better. It was good having Link here. It almost felt like we were back in the place we were before he proposed to me. He had visited me every day, ate his lunch by my side, occasionally taking others with him to visit. It was sweet.
I know he’s a good guy, and I know I should just let him love me. But if I did, I would put myself in a life that wasn’t mine, again. I ran from James, because I could not do the life he wanted us to have, I ran from Owen and our marriage because I couldn’t do the things he wanted from me… I’m a runner. The irony, I thought. I’m a runner and I can’t even use my legs right now. Sick, sick world we life in.

“Amelia, wake up.”
“God, what time is?” I asked. I had Scout in my arms, he had slept on top of me. That could’ve gone really wrong. I am responsible, I know the dangers of sleeping with you baby.
“Oh no, he slept with us. That can’t happen. What if one of us had smothered him in our sleep? Link, you shouldn’t have given him to me during the night.”
“But we didn’t, and he’s fine.” Link said. I gave him the look. “I know, I’m sorry. I had intended to take him after a few minutes, but I fell asleep.”
“What time is it?”
“It’s ten A.M.”
“Really? God, I love having my personal surgical staff to keep an eye on me and not be probed by interns at 4 or nurses at 8.” I stretched.
“Ready to go downstairs? You’re not going upstairs again unless for a shower, or when you can walk again.”
“I’d like to go downstairs wearing pants, if you don’t mind.” I said. “The purple sweats, top drawer. T-shirt doesn’t matter. Oh, and my pink, fluffy socks! God, I love having my own stuff around. Oh, perfume! I get to wear perfume again!”
“Anything else, my queen?” Link said.
“Sorry.”

Link carried me downstairs, where the welcomes comity was awaiting me. And there where pancakes! On a Sunday!
“Auntie Amelia!” Zola said.
“Hi, Zola. You made pancakes?”
“Auntie Maggie did. Mommy wanted to do it, but Maggie said she isn’t a good cook. Is that true, auntie Amelia?” She asked. I looked at Maggie, who was trying to contain her laughter inside her coffee mug.
“Your mommy is many things, a good cook isn’t one of it.” I said, in all honesty.
“Why not?” She asked.
“Because, one time, she tried baking cookies for your baking sale and-“ I signaled her to get closer, so I could whisper in her ear, “and they were raw on the outside, but burnt on the inside.”
“How did that happen?” She asked. I shrugged.

“You want pancakes?” Maggie asked.
“Please, they smell delicious.”
“Blueberries, whipped cream and a little brown sugar, right?”
“You remembered all that?” I asked. Maggie nodded. “Of course you did. You know, for an only child, you are the best sister I have ever had. And I’ve had a lot, by blood, by work… by Derek.” I said.
“Speaking about sisters… Mer made some arrangements, and you can start PT tomorrow with Dr. Johnes. 11 A.M. So no more unsupervised walking!” She said, while handing me my pancakes.
“You’ve been walking?” Link asked.
“I-“ I looked at Maggie for support. “I have been… setting my feet down and throwing myself from chair to… bed- and maybe back?” I questioned.
“Amelia!” Link looked from me to Maggie, “And you knew about this?”
“She’s stubborn, Link, you chose the stubborn one.”

I took a bite of my pancakes. They were perfect, something that came right out of a magazine or commercial. Buttery, and sweet, but still firm and airy. I forgot how good Maggie’s pancakes were.
“You still wanna talk?” Link sat down, and stole a blueberry. The audacity this man had.
“Yeah. Just- Maggie, could you?” I asked. She got the hint.
“Zola, Bailey, Ellis. We’re going outside, come on!” She said. She really was a great sister. Far better than I had expected in the begging. She kept Meredith and me from committing felonies.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Link asked. He stole another blueberry.
“Stop stealing my blueberries!”
“Or what?”
“I hate you.” I said. “Go grab your own pancakes.” I pointed at the kitchen.
“I only wanted a blueberry-“
“Nope. Own pancakes. Kitchen. Go.” I said.
“Alright, I won’t steal your berries. What is this really about?” He asked. “What’s going on with you?” I sighed. It was time. I had postponed this, again, and again.
“We need to talk…” I said.
“We are talking.”
“About the rings.” I said. Link looked away from me.

“I-“ I started. How was I going to do this? I love him, I do, but I can’t be what he needs. I might never be what he needs. “I don’t want a wedding. I don’t want any more kids. I’m not sure what we’re doing here, Link. I mean, I can’t be the woman you want me to be, I might not even be a surgeon anymore after this.”
“Okay, stop. Breathe.” He took away my pancakes. The waterfalls had already started.
“No, Link. I- I don’t see where we’re going, and I need a destination. This is not a roadtrip!”
“We’re talking car metaphors now?”
“That’s not the point Link! Where are we going?”
“I- I don’t know, Amelia! I thought we were at the destination, at marriage! But apparently, we didn’t drive together there and you had a flat tire somewhere along the road.” He sighed. Flat tire? Did he just call me a flat tire? I- I started the road metaphors, but a flat tire? Really?
“Stop yelling at me!”
“I’m sorry, okay!” He sighed. “I love you, Amelia. I truely, deeply love you. I have never felt this for anyone, this- this kind of love. I want you to want me in all the ways I want you, every day, for the rest of our lives. If that means no wedding, and no more kids? I’ll do it. I’ll do it, because I love you more than anything, Amelia. I’ll- I’ll drive back to you, find you along the road, fix your flat tire and drive anywhere you want to go.” Wow. I was not expecting that. He was really ready to give up marriage, and the live he had imagined, for me? That couldn’t be right.
“Can’t we just see where we end up? Enjoy the drive?” He asked.
“But should we?” I asked.
“Aren’t we obligated to at least try, for Scout?”

If someone wants something, and they’re ready to give it up for love, did they really want that thing? Or do they expect the other person to cave eventually? Owen had expected me to give up my life for a child when I didn’t want a kid, and he did say he was fine with it in the beginning, and he still married me. He has done the same thing to Teddy. Was this about to happen again, but with Link? I don’t know… God, I have to get my use of my legs back so I can walk and think. I need to think.

“So, we try?” I asked.
“We try.”
“And you stop proposing to me?” I asked, just to be sure.
“We just enjoy the ride.” He said.
“Okay, then. Just, ride and enjoy.” I said.
“Does this mean I have earned back the right to kiss you now?” Link asked. He hang over me, very close. He smelled good, not surgery sweaty yet, his aftershave still actually smellable.
“Well, if we’re just gonna enjoy the ride… I’d like a car, with a, uh, stick?” I said.
He kissed me. He actually kissed me. Oh, how I had missed this, Link’s soft lips, his big, manly, soft hands over my body, in my hair. Link made me feel like I was in high school again, feeling my first secret girlfriend up behind the stage of the auditorium, hiding from the cleaning lady after we had been in detention.
He made me feel like my past, didn’t happen. Like my whole past had been a fever dreamer, and I was real in this moment. I was alive, and real. And Link made sure I knew.

Chapter Text

“Good morning. How are you doing today, Amelia?” Dr. Johnes asked me.
“I have a severe weakness in my left leg from my knee down. My right is fine, but left is not. Dr. Lincoln said it should have resolved on his own, but I’ve noticed soreness and pain after the exercises you gave me last week.” I said. I hadn’t told Link I was in pain, but he had noticed the weakness compared to my right leg. He’s an orthopedic surgeon, of course he noticed.
“Alright. When did you notice the pain for the first time, and when does the pain start? During or after exercise?” She put her long, black hair into a high ponytail and made a bun with the pen she had been holding.
“I noticed it Wednesday.” I said. “And as far as the pain? Both. I have been doing my four steps from kitchen to chair and back every day, but my knee hurts whenever I put my weight on it, until it doesn’t, and then again when I sit down.”
“Can you roll up you pants for me and lay down?” Dr. Johnes asked. She rolled up the sleeves of her coat, which showed me a tattoo of a hummingbird. It was black and white, except the tail, which had hints of green and blue.

I did as I was told. For a surgeon, I liked to think I was a good patient. No complaining, no input from what I thought it could be. I talked doctor to my doctors, but I didn’t act doctor to them. I had even told doctor Johnes to just call me Amelia instead of Dr. Shepherd. Before, I would have had them call me Dr. Shepherd, but now? I’m not even sure I will ever get back into an OR again if my walking and standing doesn’t get better, maybe that’s why. I hadn’t felt like a doctor in almost 14 weeks.

Dr. Johnes started to compare my legs, and stretch them in impossible ways. I suddenly understood why Link is ripped without going to the gym that often. She had the same toned muscles in her upper arms and neck. Maybe I should have gone into orthopedics, save myself from a work out.
“Did you overstretch your knee at some point? Or fall? Have a misstep?” Johnes asked.
“I wouldn’t say I misstepped, but I did fall due to the weakness in my leg.”
“You’re sure nothing more happened?”
“If I lied, you’d be able to fix it?” I joked. Dr. Johnes didn’t seem to appreciate my sense of humor unfortunately. “I’m sure. I just want to walk again, lying wouldn’t help my case.”
“Look at the extension difference between your left knee and right knee if I bend them backwards, and tell me what you see.” She said.
She started with my right, it didn’t hurt, it only extended back a healthy way. Then, she did my left. It bent far more than my right had done, about 40 degrees, and it hurt like a bitch. That couldn’t be normal.
“What did you see?”
“The extension in my left is about 40 degrees and right only 15.” I said. “And left hurts when you do that.”
“Good. Doctor Lincoln’s ortho expertise is rubbing off on you.” She said. “You wanna tell me how that happened?” Dr Johnes asked, point at my left knee.
“They messed up during surgery when I was in the crash?” I said.
“Wrong. You tore your rotator cuff.”
“My- my rotator cuff? But- shouldn’t I have been in pain when that happened?”
“Unfortunately, cuff tears in recovering patients are very common. Did you have a swollen knee after the fall?”
“Yes, I did. But I thought that was just the fall I had made. Rotator cuff tears are extremely painful, aren’t they? I mean- jocks come into the ER screaming from the pain it causes. I can’t have torn it from a simple fall, can I?” How could I have torn my rotator cuff? It’s not like I was jumping up and down the trampoline or anything. These were sports injuries.
“We’re gonna do an MRI to make sure, but if I’m right, and I’m almost never wrong, you need surgery, Amelia.”

I dialed Links number. Damn it, I thought. Another surgery, another 10 weeks in my recovery. I was so ready for all this to be over, and just be recovered. I was relieved I wasn’t paralyzed in my left leg, but this still very much sucked.
“Link?”
“Yeah, what’s up? I’m about to reset a femur, I asked Mer to drive you home. She just had an overnight shift, so she’s burnt to a crisp, be nice to her.”
“Link, I need an MRI. Dr. Johnsen thinks I tore my rotator cuff.”
“What?”
“I need an MRI-“ I repeated.
“Yeah, no I heard you-“ He coughed, “I just don’t understand. You tore your rotator cuff? When? Why didn’t you say you were in pain?”
“I- I wasn’t really in pain, pain. Just- weak.” I said.
“I’ll be down in a minute, I’ll take you. Kim can take my broken femur.”

“If the MRI comes back positive for a torn RC, I’ll operate. Dr. Lincoln is family, and Kim can’t deny his mentor into the OR, so just to be sure, I’ll perform it.” Dr. Johnes said.
“What’s the recovery time?” I asked.
“For returning to the OR yourself for just a rotator cuff? About three months. A month of healing, a month of building strength and a month of building dexterity in your leg altogether. I’d advise you to drop any sports like football and volleyball, or other sports where you jump, sprint and stop rapidly, though. Permanently.”

“So I should become an equestrian?” I joked.
“You could do dressage, yes. But just so you know, 30% of my surgeries are equestrians, and they’re almost always in bad shape.” She said. Great, no horses for me. I had always liked horses. When Derek and Addison were together, she had brought me to her range as a form of rehab. It worked, most of the days. Until the vet had to come once, and dosed a horse with ketamine. After that, I hadn’t returned there, scared I’d unlock the cabinets where they’d store it.

I missed Malik, my best friend there. She was a slaughter horse, who I had rescued with Addie. A beautiful 17 hands silver bay with a streak of black in her tail. Addison had told me to pick my own horse, and make it mine. I had wanted to give up training Malik so many times, but I pushed through, and after three months, she had learned how to do a Spanish pass. I was so proud of her. And myself, for pushing through. I didn’t understand why I had to train and pick my own horse, but when I got older I did. It was about perseverance and determination, things I had needed to stay sober.
Horses behavior reflects your mental state, I figured that out only when I got furious Malik wouldn’t do what I asked her, and then she threw me off her back for the first time. After that, I noticed she misbehaved when I was stressed, or really craved oxy. She was a better mentor and mirror than any of my sponsors had ever been.

When I was living with Addie in L.A., we often flew back to the stables she had, and just ride and talk about life, you know? Charlotte joined us sometimes, and even though she is the typical southern belle, I had not expected her to be such a good equestrian. She and Cooper didn’t have pets, so I didn’t know she loved animal at all.
On the trails, Charlotte would forget everything. We’d challenge each other, but no matter who Charlotte picked to ride, she’d always win. It was annoying.

After I left for Seattle, Addie had informed me Malik had become lame in the yard, and had needed to be put down. I still have a necklace with some hair in it in my jewelry box. After Addie had sent me the necklace, we hadn’t said another word to each other. I missed her. I should visit, some time. See her, and Charlotte, and the practice, Henry… Maybe I’d make a family vacation out of it, take Link and Scout with me, show them off.

“Amelia?” Dr. Johnes said.
“Yeah?” She scared me out of my thought. Shit, maybe she had been trying to get my attention for a longer time. This was so embarrassing.
“I can operate Saturday, if you want? The sooner we get this, the sooner you get back to PT and the OR.” She said. “Which means I get to spent more time torturing you.”
“That’s great!” I said. She was right, the sooner we got this, the sooner I could really, fully start PT. The torturing part? Less fun, but if it’d get me back into the OR, so be it. I didn’t really mind Johnes, she was nice to look at, had great humor and didn’t freak out every step I took, like Link did. She was a great practitioner.
“It is a two hour surgery, tops. I pull down the cuff, throw a couple stitches in it, sew you back together and sent you on your way the next day, barring any complications.”
“I’ll have to check with Dr. Grey, Dr. Pierce and Link, but I think Maggie’s husband Winston is off that day, so he could pick me up.”
“I’ll see you in the OR on Saturday.” Dr. Johnes walked out.

Link rolled me back to the elevator. The ride up was quiet. I was thinking, Link was spewing, probably mad I didn’t tell him I was in pain. I couldn’t blame him, but I had wanted to be okay so bad. I thought I was. No, I hoped I was.
“Dr. Shepherd! You’re back!” Levi said.
“I’m not back Schmitt. Just visiting the MRI.”
“Can- can I take you? I’m headed there anyway,” He looked at Link. “I’m- I’m scrubbing in with Nico on a femur in an hour- and- and”
“You can take me.” I said. “I’ll see you, after?” I asked Link.
“Sure. I’ll pick you up at 2 in the cafeteria.” He kissed my head. Alright, he wasn’t that mad, otherwise he wouldn’t have done that.

“So, how’s it been here? Any good cases? Cute, new attendings I should know off?” I asked
“There- there was a guy who had a-uh candle up his-“ He looked around, as if someone was going to arrest him for saying it, “Private parts.”
“Meredith told me! You scrubbed in, right?”
“Yes, yes. It was- weird?”
“First foreign object inside the body cavity?”
“Not the first- but definitely, the weirdest.” We got to the MRI. I jumped on the stretcher, put the cast around it and grabbed the panic button.

I laid there, listening to the whooshing of the MRI. It was ominous, but also comforting. I always loved seeing the MRI’s pop up. It was one of the only places in the hospital where you could get some peace and quiet, with exception of the on call rooms and the morgue.
I can’t even remember the last MRI I had. It was probably the one after the accident, 14 weeks ago. It had only been 14 weeks ago I had this major accident. I had gotten glasses in the mean time, and lenses. They still burnt my eyes after 6 hours, but it was getting better. Maybe Schmitt had tips to deal with it, he had glasses too. Oh, I forgot! It had been his nickname! Oh, God, maybe I shouldn’t ask. 

“We got it, Dr. Shepherd! It’s the rotator cuff, I’m sorry.”

Chapter Text

It was four o’clock in Seattle. Helmouth and Schmitt had stolen Amelia’s chart from the nurses station as to make sure they would be the only ones with the right answers during rounds, hoping to scrub in. Schmitt had been on an ortho rotation with Link and Niko al week, so he’d likely scrub in with Dr. Johnes. The residents weren’t sure yet as what to make of her, the new ortho attending.
Link had hired her when Niko was in the process of being employed by his old job, but Johnes was already on a contract when Niko turned it down, making space for Link to be at home with Amelia and Scout more, and for Johnes to work on her research.

“Good morning Dr. Shepherd.” The light went on, and Schmitt and Helmouth stepped through her doors. “We’re going to do your pre-op labs today, and dr. Johnes will begin at seven, and if all goes well, you get to go home tonight.”
“You stole my chart, didn’t you?” Amelia asked the residents.
“What?” Schmitt asked. He looked at Helmouth. “We-no, no of course not. We don’t steal charts. That’s highly immoral. I- I’m a Jew, I would never-”
“We just- borrowed it, without a plan to return it before pre-op.” Helmouth said.
“Good. I don’t trust the other residents. I’ve worked with you two, I trained you.” Amelia said. She meant it. The other residents? She hadn’t had a chance to work with them yet and determine their skills. Though Schmitt pretended to be an idiot sometimes, and socially wasn’t that capable, he was a fine surgeon. He would become a great surgeon one day, and he had real skills for neuro.
Helmouth on the other hand? She was excellent at what she did, but she lacked the delicate movement for neuro. She would be a perfect candidate for either transplants, or cardio.
“Come on, poke and prob me, I’m used to it by now. Show off to your new attending, score my surgery.” Amelia rolled up her sleeves.
“Can you circle your left knee with this? And put a giant cross on the other.” Helmouth gave her a sharpie. Amelia did what she was asked, circled her left knee, made a smiley in it, and put a cross on her right.
“Alright, we’ll be back for rounds, dr. Shepherd.”

Amelia grabbed her phone. She had a text from Link, wishing her good luck, and a video of Scout enjoying his bottle. Amelia realized how lucky she was Link was so invested in Scout, as both Maggie and Meredith worked today.
While she was trying to reply to Link, she got a call from Zola.
“Zola, do you know what time it is?”
“Yes, auntie Amelia, but I wanted to wish you good luck with your surgery. Uncle Link told me this is a small one, but I’m still scared.”
“You don’t have to be scared sweety, it’s a very minor surgery, compared to the other ones.” She told her niece.
“But things go wrong during surgery all the time, I just wanted to wish you good luck.”
“That’s sweet, thank you, Zola. I love you, and I’ll be back tonight, okay? We can play Mario kart on the switch, deal?” She asked her niece.
“Deal! See you!” Zola hang up the phone.

Amelia was wide awake. As her surgery was at seven in the morning, she had stayed overnight in the hospital, anxiously waiting until the residents would come into her room during rounds and tell her what they’d be doing. She kept thinking, and thinking.
Amelia was sure they had just missed this when she was in the accident and she hadn’t torn it herself. The only thing she had done before that was move from chair to bed and back. It couldn’t have happened then, and she also hadn’t noticed a pain specifically in her knee when she had fallen down in the kitchen the other day. 

“Morning Amelia.” Dr Johnes stepped through the door, wearing her scrub cap. “Who wants to lead?”
Amelia had been curious about what kind of scrub cap she’d be wearing. It was grey and green, which matched her eyes perfectly. There were small, sketched out woods drawn on them. They were cute, they matched her very well.
“Dr. Amelia Shepherd, 39, post-op day 98 of a major surgery, here today to repair her left rotator cuff in her knee with Dr. Johnes. Pre-op labs clear, no major complications expected. Has refused all pain medication before an after surgery.” Schmitt said.
“He’s good, Dr. Shepherd. One of yours, or Grey’s?” Dr Johnes asked Amelia.
“We don’t have our own residents here, we share them. But he has a neuro future, yes.” Amelia said. She winked at Schmitt, who was smiling brightly because of the compliment.
“Congratulations, Schmitt. You’re on the case and you’ll be scrubbing in.”
“Thank you, Dr. Johnes.”

After Amelia was rolled to OR 7, which secretly was her favorite as seven was her lucky number, Meredith stepped in.
“Mer?” Amelia asked.
“I’ll be up in the gallery, just so you know.” She said.
“Why?” Amelia asked.
“Because I promised Zola.”
“Thank you, Mer.” Amelia said. She knew Meredith did not just promise Zola, she made time in her schedule to observe. Meredith would never say it, but she knew Amelia knew.
“Dr. Grey, what a pleasant surprise! But I think you’re in the wrong OR, I have a rotator cuff to fix in here.” Dr Johnes stepped in, drying her hands to be put into her gown and gloves
“I’ll see you on the other side, Mer.” Amelia said.

“You ready?” Dr Johnes asked. She looked good being a surgeon.
“Am I ready to have another surgery after I have been in the OR two times already in the past three years for myself? Absolutely.” Amelia joked.
“Well, three times is the charm, right?”
“Right.”
“Count back for me from ten, please”
“Ten, nine, eight, seven…”
“Alright, let’s get this show on the road.” Dr Johnes said. She looked around at her staff, who had seemingly froze. “What?” She asked them
“Really? Road jokes?” Schmitt asked.
“Oh, right. Car accident. I forgot.”

Schmitt and Johnes started the procedure. It was pretty straight forward, sometimes she’d do five of these in a row, collecting them like baseball cards. Schmitt had proved himself of good use to her, as he anticipated her moves very well.
“You’re a natural, Schmitt.”
“Niko- I- I mean Dr. Kim, I was on ortho last week, he’s a very good teacher.”
“You can stop pretending we don’t all know he’s your boyfriend, Dr. Schmitt. But I must agree, he taught you well. And I believe you’re being recruited by Amelia for neuro surgery. If you keep this up, you’re going to be the one to beat from your year. I already heard talk about Chief resident in a few years.” Johnes said.
“I- Really?” Schmitt asked.
“I wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true, Schmitt.”
They kept working on the cuff. It was less extensive than Johnes had original thought. They were out after an hour.
“Good work everyone, page me when she’s awake.”

When Amelia woke up, she was greeted by Zola and Maggie.
“Auntie Amelia!” Zola hugged her.
“Hai, Zola.” She looked at Maggie. “How long have you been here?”
“Ten minutes. How’s the pain?”
“Barely feel it."
“You’re playing strong, or you’re lying. You really want to refuse the painkillers?” Dr Johnes walked in, tablet in hand. She had stuffed her scrub cap in her boob pocket, showing her braided hair. Her braids reached below her shoulders, and it made her look even taller than she already was.
“Yeah, I really refuse them, thank you.” Amelia said.
“In that case I’ll get to the point, Your surgery was flawless, we were in and out in an hour. The tear was less extensive than anticipated and should heal nicely. Your discharge papers can be signed after 6, and I’ll see you in two weeks.”
“That’s great!” Maggie said.
“And your intern, Schmitt? Flawless work. If you ever get rid of him in neuro, sent him my way. He could be a very good orthopedic surgeon.”
“Will do, doctor Johnes.”
“Please, fellow surgeons who I help save their careers get to call me Myara.” Johnes said. She looked at Amelia, who looked back. “I’ll see you in two weeks, call me if you experience any pain before that period. And stay off of it, Amelia. Really.”

Chapter Text

“You’re clearing me for surgery?” I asked.
“Yes. You need to keep doing your exercises, and if you experience pain standing or walking don’t operate through it, but you can start back next week.” Myara said. “But you need to ease back into it. No 14 hour surgeries, no ground breaking tumor removals. Simple, short procedures.”
“It’s neurosurgery, short and easy aren’t a part of my dictionary.” I said.
“Promise, or I won’t clear you, Amelia. I’m serious, it’s your leg function we’re talking about.”
“Fine, I promise.” I said. Myara gave me the look we give patients after they say they’ll never smoke again. But, she signed my yellow slip for Bailey.
“If I catch you in the OR on Monday doing a big procedure, I will personally sent you home. Understood?”
“You’re off Wednesday, right?” I asked. She looked at me confused.
“I’ll wait until Wednesday for my big return.” I joked. Myara rolled her eyes. “Kidding, kidding. I’ll take it slow, maybe start with my research I didn’t finish. Or climb mount Everest, you know, small things.”
“Shepherd-“
“Kidding!” I said, “I promise I will not mess your beautiful job of fixing my knee up by doing something incredibly dumb.” I smiled at her. She handed me the slip, but she didn’t let go.
“To make sure of that,” she started, “how about I take you out to Joe’s tonight, have a drink at a table where we can sit down, and I’ll walk you home as a form of exercise?” She didn’t break eye contact with me. Did that just happen? Did she just ask me out?

I must have stared at her for a while, but I didn’t say anything.
“I- I’m with Link, Myara.”
“But you’re not with him. You’re with the idea of him, and he’s with the idea of you.”
“That’s not for you to decide.” I said. “I have a son to think about.”
Was she really expecting me to just move away from Link? We were finally in a good place, in a place he didn’t expect marriage from me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she was gorgeous, but I was involved. With the father of my son. Scout deserved it for me to at least try and make it work with his father.
“Look, Amelia-“
“No, doctor Johnes. It’s doctor Shepherd. And I’d appreciate it if you could sign me over as a patient to doctor Kim.” I got up, and walked through the door. “And by the way, I don’t drink.”

I stepped into my car. What was she thinking? Asking me out like that? I get I wasn’t a patient like other patients, because I also worked with her, but this was still not a normal thing to do, right?
I was too angry to drive. I called Charlotte, she’d be the only person to understand me in the very moment.
“Howdy stranger, you’re early today.”
“I need to talk to you,” I sighed “Something really weird just happened to me and I need to process this out loud to someone who doesn’t work at Grey-Sloan.”
“I’m all ears.” She said.
“Okay. So, I’m in this weird place with Link right?” I said. “The weird ‘he keep proposing to me and I keep telling him we’re not there’ thing, but also him still living with me, and God, let’s not forget the great sex…”
“Uh-uh.”
“And I just got cleared for surgery."
“That’s good. What’s weird about that?” Charlotte asked
“She asked me out.” I said.
“Who?”
“Myara Johnes, my surgeon,- my colleague, I don’t know. She flat out asked me to go have drinks at Joe’s-“
“You told her no right?” Charlotte interrupted me.
“Yes, but the weird thing is, I didn’t want to.” I sighed. “I wanted to say yes, but I didn’t, because of Link."
“You’re with Link right?” She asked. I heard her take a bite of a cracker or something. “Doesn’t that make the choice really easy? Is there even a real choice?”
“I-“
“You’re with the father of your kid. You should fight like hell to make it work.”
“But it isn’t working, Charlotte.” I sighed. “I can see him, in the morning. Sitting there, staring at me like I’m some sort of majestic bird… it’s awful. The sex is good, but the relationship?”
“Are you giving up because it’s getting hard and you want to bolt again, like you did to James, or are you giving up because it isn’t right for you and your sobriety?” Charlotte asked me.

I thought about it for a second. Link did everything he could to understand my addiction, to help me through it the entire pandemic, but he could never understand. He was the total opposite of me, which I both loved and hated. It was draining me emotionally. But he always tried to be there. He was the perfect guy to everyone, the perfect son-in-law. 

“Both. I- I think both?”
“You think or you know Amelia?”
I sighed. Charlotte knew me too well to let me say I thought something. She knew I knew, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. God, I hate this.
“It’s both.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ll never be what he wants me to be, and I’ll never be in the place he wants me to be. We drove in different directions from the same start and ended on opposites sides of the country.” I sighed.
“Then you know what to do, right?”
“Right.” I said. I put my head on the wheel. I’m a mess, aren’t I? How did I have the superpower of creating a mess everywhere I go? Every time I thought I had my life somewhat on the rails, someone stole the copper out of the rails to crash my train, and I keep replacing it which means it gets stolen and stolen again.

“Amelia?” A knock on my window. Shit, it was Myara.
“I-“ I looked around, looking for an excuse as to why I was still in the parking lot without explaining the real reason. “I’m waiting for- someone?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?” She leaned inside of window. I could smell her. She smelled like peppermint. She smelled like my car after I had smoked in it and tried to hide it from Derek and my mother twenty-five years ago.

“Look, Shepherd, I’m sorry.” She sighed. “I ask and say things how I mean them, flat out. I’m not the social butterfly, never been, never will be. And for what’s it worth, you’re the first person I’ve asked out in forever, which means you’re kind of special, because I have incredibly high standards.” Myara smiled at me. A genuine, good smile. I could see she had a smiley piercing, which only made her hotter- No, stop. Stop.
“Amelia?” Shit, I hadn’t said anything! “Are you having a stroke?”
“I-“ Not a word came from my mouth. I was blank, completely, utterly blank.
“You know what? Just- Forget about it.” She sighed. “I’m just gonna go.” I watched her walk away. Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I just tell her I’d go out with her?

I grabbed my phone, which I realized was till on call with Charlotte.
“Oh, my God. Did you just hear that?” I gasped.
“Every word, loud and clear. She kinda sounded like me, with the whole butterfly speech goin’ on. Would’ve loved to meet ‘r.”
“What did I do? What do I do with this? God, Charlotte, she is gorgeous and- and she smells like peppermint! Not the cheap, spearmint kind, but fresh peppermint you put into your tea with honey or you mash into a cupcake with bitter lemon sauce for a high tea.” I mumbled.
“Sounds like you’ve made a whole story up for her. Why don’t you just go?”
“What if it’s bad?” I asked. “What if I can’t be what she wants me to be either, Charlotte? I’m never enough, why would this time be any different?”
“Amelia, I’mma stop you right there. You don’t think of yourself as deserving everything you want, but there are people out there who are trynna give you the world. So take the world, enjoy it. Deserve it. Believe you deserve it.”
“You’re a good friend, Charlotte.”
“I know. Now go tell her you’re taking her out, and be honest with the baby daddy of your kid. Just be you, Amelia. You’re enough and deserving of everything you’ve worked for.”

I hang up my phone and jumped out my car. I saw Myara get into her silver Peugeot 207, which seemed like an odd car for her. Surely, being a surgeon and all, she could afford a better car than that. But it also suited her perfectly in some weird way.
“Myara! Wait.” She looked at me.
“How about lunch?”
“What?”
“Lunch. You, and me. I- I can’t drink, but I’ll order you a matcha, and-“ I sighed. What was I doing? “Will you just go on the date with me?”

Chapter Text

I had been awake all night, seen the clock hit every number of every hour. It just kept going on, and on and on… like my thought. My messy, adulterous, thoughts.
She had asked me out, and I said I couldn’t because of Link, and then I ask her out, and she says no? NO!? I’m not someone people say no to. If anyone ever says no, I’m usually the one saying it. To the kids, to my mother, Link’s proposal… when did I become the one people say no to?
I reached for my phone. No notifications at all. Not even from the family groups chat. Usually Maggie and Mer texted me what was happening in the ER when one of them was on call, to keep me busy and actively thinking about surgery. I need to cut something, fix something. I need to have a sense of control in the OR, because my live is like a meteor: uncontrollable and kills everything in it’s path on impact.

“Amelia?”
“Yeah?”
“Why are you awake? It’s-“ he looked over to the clock, “Three in the morning.”
“My head’s full. Can’t sleep. Scalpel hungry.” I mumbled. I didn’t want to tell Link. Not yet.
“Okay, come here.” He turned around, opened his arms and patted the mattress. “I’m gonna hold you, and we’re gonna sleep. Tomorrow, you’re going to Grey-Sloan, and you’re going to start your research back up, and I’ll fix some broken bones. You’re cleared, but you need to ease back into it. And you need to get out of the house, I can’t do another platter of cupcakes.”
“Myara said the same thing.” I sighed.
“What? She can’t do another platter of cupcakes?” He joked. If only he knew.
“Not that.” I turned my head to Link. I could feel his breath on my lips. “That I need to ease back into work.”
“Dr. Torres shaped her into a very fine surgeon. I wish she had been my fellow, she’s good. And her research about nerve grafts to preserve function in-”
“Wait, she worked under Callie?” I lifted my head to look at Link. How old was Myara? If Callie trained her, she must be a fetus. Oh God, I was a cougar.
“You know Dr. Torres?”
“She worked here before she left for New York. She was the ortho goddess. She did a, uhm, prosthetic research thing to save nerves together with Derek before he got recruited by the president.”
“Derek worked for the president?” Link asked.
“Not the point.” I sighed. “The point, she was trained by the finest ortho surgeon this hospital has ever seen before you swooped in. She has a child from Mark Sloan, Derek’s best friend. And her ex-wife, wait, they’re back together never mind- girlfriend is Arizona Robbins.” I sighed. How did all the surgeons who came to work at Grey-Sloan, or left, either ended up in New York training new surgeons who then moved here, or become famous?

“And?” Link asked.
“And what?”
“I’m waiting for the big conclusion here. Why are you so invested in Dr. Johnes anyway?”
“I don’t know…” I sighed. It was the partial truth. I don’t know why she is so attractive to me, she just… is. There is no history yet, no complications. Besides how she apparently inherited Derek and Callie’s research about nerves, which I didn’t know about, she did a lot of research on female athletic injuries in varies sports.
She was the kind of surgeon that said: yes, I do research specifically for women, and what about it? She’s… awesome!

I should ask her if she wants to work with me, finish Derek and Callie’s research. Student and sister of dead superhero duo continues and solves research of mentor and brother. Okay, that sounds kind of weird, and creepy, possibly stalkery of me, but also kind of cool and amazing.
I have been wondering for ages how I could continue Derek’s research. I thought I’d finish his Alzheimers research, but this was also a great possibility, and if I work with Myara, I don’t need to involve Link and worry about if we’d be able to work together if he decides to propose again, and I have to turn him down, again.
Oh, God… I was already thinking about Myara over Link. I can’t do this. I need to talk to Link, soon.

I woke up being held by Link. I couldn’t turn my head and look at the time, but I could hear birds outside of my window. I tried to wiggle my way out of Link’s grip, but woke him up in the process.
“Good morning sunshine.”
“Can you grab Scout?” I asked. “I’ll get Mer’s kids ready, Maggie and Mer were both on call so we’re on our own today.” I grabbed my silver earrings. It had been a long time since I could wear earrings to work. The last time was… L.A. I think.
I wore my black and blue jeans, a black sweater top and did my hair in a half-half. I looked hot, I looked ready to go out to an expensive lunch and score a sugar daddy at the golf club. I still got it.

“Zola! Bailey! Ellis!” I yelled up stairs. “Are you guys up?”
“Yes, Auntie Amelia!” Zola came down the stairs, already dressed. Pink shirt, black denim jacket and candy striped shorts.
“You’re outfit’s cute Zola. Picked it out yourself?” I asked.
“No, Auntie Maggie put it together for me last week, so I just grabbed it.” She spun a small circle. “Can you do my hair? Two braids, please. I’ve got bands under the sink, Auntie Maggie said my hair needs the special bands."
“Of course sweety. I’ll be downstairs after I kick your brother out of his bed and get your sister dressed.” I started to walk upstairs. “Oh, Zola!”
“Yes?”
“The froot loops? You gotta open a new box, they’re in the cabinet besides the fridge. Big, red box. Supersize.”
She nodded her head. Zola is such a good kid. Smart, skilled. She’d become an incredible surgeon one day, if she chooses to be one, I think. I’m a little bit jealous she’s not my kid. Mer and Derek had done a great job at raising her, and she had their talent.
The other day I found her reading my medical journals. She was curious about where feelings came from, and why sometimes she could control them, and other times she couldn’t. I had wondered the same thing as a kid, but I cut off the heads of my Barbie dolls instead of researching the answer.

I dressed Ellis in a blue legging and a yellow dress. She had picked it out herself, and was  fixated on it. It didn’t look awesome, but Ellis had a temper that I was not ready to deal with today. She got it from Mer. The same Meredith who would kill me if she knew I had dressed her daughter in this, but that’s a problem for later.
Bailey was dressed in his usual jeans and Fortnite sweater. Nothing too special, but at least he was dressed.

“Link?” I looked at my son, who was wearing a onesie. A Toothless onesie, on a daycare day. I need to teach this man about how to dress a child, for crying out loud.
“Yeah?”
“Did you dress Scout in his Toothless onesie for daycare?”
“Yeah, it’s not like they’re gonna care, right? They’re all babies, there’s no bullying, and the teachers absolutely do not care. Besides, he’ll probably just get it dirty before we pick him up and they’re gonna change him. So does it really matter?” He looked up from cutting his apple pieces to mix into his yoghurt.
Link was such a breakfast geek, I couldn’t understand how he all got it down before 8 in the morning. I couldn’t do breakfast until at least 10 or else I’d physically become ill. And not in a morning sickness way.

“Are there pancakes?” Bailey asked. He shared Link’s breakfast needs.
“No, it’s a school day. Maggie makes pancakes on the weekends, it’s cereal or a sandwich.”
“Do we have P and B?” He asked.
“Yeah, I believe there’s some left in the fridge."
“Can I take them to school too?” He asked. Mer had made lunchboxes for school for her kids. She’d be pissed if she knew he changed his bread last minute.
“Sure. Just-“ Link looked around, “don’t tell your mom. She’ll off me.”
“Atticus Lincoln!” I said. “You cannot unraise Mer’s kids in one single morning!” I hissed. This man is going to be the death of me, I swear to God.
“We gotta go in about ten minutes if you want to make bio class Zola.”
“We’re talking about brains today!”
“Oh, you know everything about those already from your dad. He was a brain doctor, too.” I said. I had a bitter smile on my face. I missed Derek. He’d be so proud of his kids. He had always been a family guy, and he missed out on it. 

Chapter Text

“Amelia!” Someone yelled. I tried to look over the human mass in the hospital, but I’m not the tallest. I couldn’t see who had yelled my name.
“Dr. Shepherd!” It had been Teddy who called out for me.
“Teddy?” I was confused as to why Teddy needed me. We weren’t exactly, you know, friends.
“I need a consult. Are you working yet?” I looked around, to see if Link or Myara was around.
“I am not working.” I said, while nodding yes, hoping she’d get the hint, instead she just looked confused. Never mind. “But I can talk to you while walking really slowly to my research lab."
She followed me, and handed me a patient folder. I looked at the scans. They were unlike anything I had ever seen before. There was a beautiful butterfly tumor almost equally spread out over both hemispheres.
“That’s a beautiful monstrosity of a tumor. Who’s is it?” I asked Teddy. Our eyes met, but she didn’t answer me.
“Can you operate?” She asked.
“I could try, but a butterfly this extensive, big and deep? It’ll be one of my biggest surgeries.” I said. “It’s a Nicole Herman type of tumor.” Teddy sighed. She took the scans from me and put them away in the folder. Something was definitely going on here.
“Are they yours?” I asked.
“What?”
“The scans, are they yours?”
“No. No- just… A friend…” She stared into nothing for a second. The last time Teddy had looked like this, she went into such a severe PTSD episode I had to go to Owen’s and help him get her back to reality. We weren’t exactly friends, but I still cared about her. She belonged in this weird, traumatized surgical family of Grey-Sloan. “Thank you, Amelia."
She walked away before I could ask her anything else.

This didn’t feel right. That tumor? It was a monster. The person who it belongs to must have chronic headaches, visual and auditory complications and a dozen more symptoms. It would probably be more humane to just jab a scalpel into their temple than waiting this tumor out.
I just hoped they’re really not Teddy’s, because if they are, it’s detrimental. She could not continue surgery with this type of tumor. It’s weird how many surgeons got brain tumors in this hospital.

I walked to the lab. Everything was precisely where I had left it. Shit, I forgot the passcode to the cabinet. I hoped I still got it in my notes somewhere, otherwise I’ll have to ask Link to pick the lock, or put a crowbar to it.
I found my notebook, and opened it. I immediately started coughing my lungs out. This thing was a dustpocket. This whole lab was a dust pocket, which means I can’t do research today and will have to sent a cleaner to this place before I leave. 

This Teddy situation didn’t feel right. I need to find her before she does something irreversible. I started walking to the OR floor, hoping I’d get a look at the OR board and figure out where she was stationed today.

“Dr. Shepherd.” Shit. Shit. Shit.
“I thought I told you you couldn’t be on the OR floor until next week? I don’t remember that being today?” I stopped dead in my tracks. She caught me.
“I’m looking for Teddy. Not operating, I promise.”
“You better not be lying to me.” She stood very close to me. I could smell the peppermint again, even over her bloody PPV, which she hadn’t bothered to take off. It was kind of sexy… stop. This was not the time to think of her as sexy, I was still confused, and low-key, kind of mad at her.
She sighed and took off her sub cap. Two black braids came falling out. “Listen, Amelia-“
“No. You’ve passed the rights to ask me to listen.” I said. I was pissed. She screwed with my head beyond a point a could explain. “You lost that right when you turned me down the other day, after you asked me out first.”
“Can we go somewhere? I’d like to explain-“
“I don’t have time for games, okay? I’m about ten years too old for that.” I started walking away, looking for Teddy. I decided to go to the nurses station, have them page her.
“Amelia!”

Left, left, right. Nurses station, cardio wing.
“Hi, could you page Altman for me?”
“Of course, Dr. Shepherd.”
I leaned on the station. I could already feel my knee become sore. I’m not going to roll around in a wheelchair, but Myara and Link will physically hurt me if I walk through it. Wheelchair it is.
“You paged?” Teddy asked. I turned around and straight up grabbed her. I took her into the film room.
“You’re gonna tell me who’s scans those are, because I cannot let you operate if that’s your tumor Teddy. I will break my rehabilitation protocol and operate on you, but I will not let you touch a patient until I’ve removed it.” Teddy looked at me, with her perfect golden, doe eyes. I could see tears form, and before I could do anything she burst out in tears. And not just a regular, good cry, but whaling noises. She sat down, covered her mouth and just cried.
I am so emotionally stunted, and panicked. We weren’t friends, was I still supposed to comfort her? Should I leave? Page Owen?

“I-“ She started. “They’re- they’re not mine. They’re Clai-“ another gasp for air, “They’re Claires.” I was confused. Either there was a new attending I had missed these past 5 months, or Claire was someone very close to Teddy.
“Who’s Claire?”
“She’s- she was- Allisons girlfriend. My other best friend- the one who went down in the second tower. The one Allison cheated with me on-“ She gasped again. I did not see that coming. Teddy was far more dark than I was led on to believe.
“Teddy-“ I started. What was I supposed to say? Maggie would’ve know. That’s it, I should channel my inner Maggie. “I’m so sorry.” She still had her hand around her mouth. She looked so small, sitting there, hiding her face. You would have never know she was in the army if you looked at her.
“It’s inoperable, isn’t it?”
I stayed quiet for a second, rethinking how this should be phrased from surgeon to surgeon, but also human to human.
“Just tell me, please, Amelia. I-“ She took a deep breath. “I can handle it.”

“With this kind of tumor, it’s almost impossible to get it all. It’s almost always soft tissue, woven together with the brain matter. I could damage her brain, on both hemispheres, to a point where she’d no longer have any quality of life. Or I’d have to take a part of her brain, but the damage…” I sighed. “I wouldn’t operate on it. She’d be suffering, waiting for a miracle, Teddy.”
“She can live her life blind.” Teddy sniffled.
“I’m not following?”
“You said this was a Nicole Herman kind of tumor. You pull off miracles for a living, Amelia. You could do this."
“I could, yes.” I said. She looked at me, watery eyes and tear stained cheeks. “But I’m saying I won’t. It’s inoperable, Teddy. I’m sorry.”

We sat in silence for a while. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to leave, or wait until Teddy was ready to leave, or maybe even page Owen. They’d know each other for decades, he had been there when she processed her grief for Allison during her enlistment.
Maybe I should hug her, or get her a cup of coffee. Or her therapist. I tried to find the courage to ask her to go grab a cup of coffee. I had some chocolate chip cookies in my locker, stashed away just in case. This seemed like a moment to use them. Maybe the cookies could buy her friendship. She needed a friend, and so did I.
“Come on, Teddy.” I pulled her from the chair, and she followed me to the attending lounge.

“She’s the reason I even ended up in Bagdad, you know?” Teddy said.
“Claire?” I asked.
“No, Allison. I was working when it happened, and I was a first year attending at Columbia. She was- everything to me. My best friend, and at the same time the love of my life.” It was weird hearing Teddy talk like this. Good, but weird. She confided in me, which obviously was a good thing, but still, weird.
I opened the door to the lounge. Teddy grabbed two cups.
“You know,” I said, “You don’t have to tell me about Allison, if you can’t yet.” I looked at her, trying to analyze her body language. She had her back turned to me, but her shoulders were tense.
“I-“ she started, “I know. I- I want to. I need to.”
“Okay. That’s okay, Teddy.” I turned to my locker. “You want some, uh, chocolate chip cookies to go with that conversation?” I held up the package. “I’ve become a stress baker.” I disclaimed.
“You brought chocolate chip cookies? And there’s still some in the container?” She chuckled. Her smile was good, nice to see. Her question was very valid, the surgical staff had a thing for chocolate chip cookies. If was kind of funny.

“I hope your baking skills are better than Merediths…” She said. She immediately looked at me like she had killed my dog. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Course you did. And can’t blame you, Meredith is atrocious in the kitchen. Why do you think Link and Maggie cook?”
“I was there once, and she was baking, or trying to at least, and- she- she abused that dough. I tried to save it, but it was too far gone.” Teddy poured coffee into our mugs. She had a green one, I had a blue one. “It’s good you learned how to bake, though."
“Yeah, I got so bored during quarantine I turned into a stress baker and made about a cake, platter of cupcakes and a plate of cookies per day. Luckily we live in Mer’s house with 10 people, but…” I sighed. “So, if you ever wanna learn how to bake bitter lemon cupcakes, or a blueberry cheesecake, I’m your girl."
“yeah, yeah- totally! I’d love that.”
“That’s a date. Oh- and bring the kids, yours love mine and vice versa. The yard is big enough for us all.”

Chapter Text

Thursday. Thursday. Meeting day. AA day.
For the first time in a very long time I felt guilty for going. I felt like I cheated on the rules and steps, while being clean, not having urges at all, and yet I know my crush for Myara was also a sign. I had a pattern, I’ll admit it. New favorite person, impulse decisions based around them, the incidental relapse because I’m hiding myself to make me seem like a fun person to this new person… it’s a pattern. I have a problem, and I have been working on it ever since my teenage years.

Coffee. Coffee helps me focus.
I walked to the kitchen. Maggie had cleaned it, I could smell it. Meredith would always clean it with ocean side cleaned, while Maggie cleaned with citronella. I also noticed she had pre-set the coffee machine for me. She’s a sweetheart, Maggie. Everytime I really needed to get something off my chest, she was there. She’d be there, always.
I hadn’t told her about Myara yet. This also added to my list of symptoms; shutting out the people I love and need because I want to hide pieces of myself for them. I feel like I slipped already.

“Hi, I’m Amelia and I’m an addict.”
“Hi, Amelia.”
I sighed. It was time, I had to come clean to them, because if I don’t, I’m going to relapse. This pandemic took my armor, and this situation, even though I had created it myself, took my willpower.
“I currently have 2,263 sober.” I sighed. “But it doesn’t feel like it. As some of you know, I was in an accident half a year ago, have been through multiple surgeries, and was put on morphine during recovery.” I saw some people nod understandingly, others looked to their hands, or even the floor.
I remembered how I had been sitting in these meetings at eighteen years old, and at twenty eight, and at thirty two. I was there, but I didn’t listen to people’s stories. I always thought this world would take me before I reached their age, and accomplishments. But then, I graduated med school, clean. And residency, clean. Fellowship, again, clean. And then I slipped. And I got back up, moved to Seattle, became one of the leading neurosurgeons in the country, and then… I slipped again.
I was scared this was going to be another slippery slope for me. A beautiful family, and again I don’t know how to have it.

“But the uh,” I fidgeted with my necklace, “morphine, it sparked something. It- it gave me a reminder of what feeling high is like.” More nods. God, this was humiliating.
“And the father of my child doesn’t get it. He tries to, but the doesn’t. He's not one of us. He's- He's a normal, happy person.” I looked around. “And then, a few weeks ago- I met someone who, I don’t know. She’s amazing, and the father of my kid and I aren’t together anymore like we were, and she asked me out, and then she cancelled! She- She drives me insane, but in a way I enjoy. But, I, uh, I’m also terrified it’s going to destroy me. I might not be hooked on oxy right now, or drunk, but I don’t feel sober right now.” Quiet. Too quiet. Please, someone else, speak. Please.
“Thank you Amelia.” I nodded.

I sat, and listened to other people’s stories. There were stories I shared with them, like every addict did, and there were ones so raw and personal I had to try and not cry with them.
There was a girl, about fifteen, who did her first sharing today, fresh out of rehab. Strawberry blonde, also an oxy girl, dressed in flannel and shorts. I could see old self harm scars running down her thighs and arms. I saw a few fresh ones poking out. She reminded me of myself when I was her age. Most beautiful, piercing green eyes I’ve ever seen. She looked more angry and lost than anything else.
She also reminded me a little of Betty. Except, Betty had no intentions of staying clean, and this girl clearly did. She fought herself, and then her addiction.

“Amelia?” One of the AA sponsors asked me. I believe her name was Adrienna.
“Yeah?”
“Do you have space for someone who is ready to take this seriously?” She asked me.
“I- I’m not a sponsor yet. I’m not seven years clean, and-“ I looked around, as if someone would come and listen in on my conversation or something, “And I’m not sure I’m ready yet.”
“I understand, and you don’t have to. But, the new girl?” Adrienna looked over at her. “She needs someone who is smart, witty, and a powerful, strong leader.”
“I- I am not any of those things.” I stepped away, and threw my bag over my shoulder, ready to leave.
“You are Amelia, you are. You’re a neurosurgeon, top of the playing field. She needs that. And if you can’t give her that because you’re not ready, I’ll back off. But I remember you taking in a teenage addict years ago, and how well you did with her. And it’s only temporary, she’ll be moving to L.A. in a few months.” I thought about it for a second. Adrienna was right, and maybe I could keep my mind off of things too. Maybe she’d help me help myself.
“I’m not promising anything. I want to talk to her first.” I looked over at her, while she sat picking at her brownie. “What’s her name?”
“Lysanne. Her name’s Lysanne.”

I walked over to her. I was nervous. I didn’t know how to approach her. She was like a- a zoo animal. A tiger, or something. Wild, can be trained, but will always have wild instincts.
“Hi, Lysanne?”
“What do you want?” Okay, she’s mouthy, I thought to myself.
“I came to see if you had a sponsor yet?” I’ll ignore the beast, I won’t bite. Even if she dangles the carrot in front of me.
“I don’t need a sponsor. I’m good on my own.”
“Funny.” I said. “I said that too when I was your age. Thought I had it all figured out, that I was so smart…” I stayed quiet, trying to analyze her body language. She was pretty easily readable.
  “And then my heart stopped, after an oxy overdose, and I was dead for three minutes while me brother revived me.” She looked at me. There was a spark of fear in her harsh facial expression.
“If you want a sponsor, let me know. Day or night.” I said. I had scribbled my number on an old notepad and gave it to her. “If it’s an emergency, text me 112. I’m a surgeon, and my texts go through my pager if I’m in the OR. And in the mean time, think about how being alone in this world has ever benefitted an addict.”

I started walking towards my car. I could hear steps behind me, and I smiled. I had made an impression.
"Amelia?"
"Yes?" She stayed quiet for a second. Don't push, I thought, she'll get there.
"You're a surgeon?"
"Yes. A neurosurgeon, at Grey-Sloan."
"Can you stitch this up?" Lysanne lifted her shirt, showing a very large cut on her side. It looked deep, and there was clearly debris in it, almost to an infection point. I tried not to look shocked, I had seen far worse, but it still icks.
She's fifteen, marked for life and will always be one step behind in life. Addiction does that to you.
"Of course. Hop in."

We arrived at Grey Sloan, and I took her up through the back. She didn't need to be poked and probbed in the ER by Owen or residents.
"Alright, lay down. This is going to hurt."
"Can't you give me something to take it away?" There it was, the real reason she came running after me.
"Oh, wait. Addict. Sorry." She sighed. "I still forget these kind of things also have opioids in them. It's hard, rewiring these kind of things, you know?" I smiled at her. I did know.
Good, it wasn't what I thought. She didn't come for drugs. That was good.
"What did you use?"
"I used a mirror, that I smashed." A mirror. She must be in so much pain, breaking a mirror and taking it to her skin slicing her open three ways to Sunday.
"Where's the piece?" I asked. I focused my eyes on her wound. Removing the debris kept me busy, kept her busy. 
"Lysanne?"
"It's in my backpack. Green, velvet pouch." I nodded. I kept debriing and cleaning her wound.

"Okay, I'm going to suture it now. Stay still." I was about to start-
"Dr. Shepherd?" Shit.
"Dr. Johnes." I said.
"What are you doing?" She crossed her arms, and literally, looked down on me and my work.
"Stitching up a patient." I looked up at Myara. She wasn't dressed in scrubs, rather a shirt and jeans. "It's not a major surgery. So you can leave." I pointed at the door.
"We're not done talking about this, Amelia." She stepped out, and closed the door behind her. I sighed. stupid. I should've just checked her into a the ER.
"Someone's in trouble..." Lysanne giggled.
"Oh, shut up. I am not." She looked at me, brows raised.
"Yeah, right..."
"Not that much anyway. She'll get over it." I looked at the door, half expecting her to walk through it together with Bailey and bust my ass. But she never came through.

"Oh my God!" Lysanne said. "It's her! It's the one you talked about in AA today! Your new oxy!"
"Shut up" I hissed. "Not everyone here knows I'm an addict, and I'd like to keep it that way."
"Sorry." I threw another suture in her side. It felt good, stitching an actual human being. I missed the OR. No, I didn't miss it, that was an understatement. I longed for the OR.

Lysanne got up. "Alrighty. Thank you."
"Lysanne-" I grabbed her arm. "Give me the piece of mirror. I know you've probably got ten other ways to injure yourself, but I can't in good conscious let you go home with it in your bag." I held out my hand. She sighed, but she opened her backpack. she lifted a green, velvet pouch and handed it to me. "Thank you."
she rolled her eyes. I did my best not to laugh. I can't even remember how many times I rolled my eyes at Derek and my mother while handing over drugs or razors.

"I won't cut, or snort oxy. I won't do any of it. I'm clean, I promise." She said.
"One day at a time, one step at a time." I said.
"Accept the things I cannot change-" She started.
"And change the things I can." I added.
"And the wisdom to know the difference."
I sighed. She was strong. She could do this, and I could help her do this.

"Text, or call, me okay?" I said. "For anything, day or night. Always, always reach out."

Chapter Text

“Dr. Shepherd, glad to see you’re back on the OR board.” Webber said.
“It’s good to be back, Richard.” I sighed. “Really good to be back.”
“How’ve you been holding up?” He asked. He looked old, suddenly. I wasn’t used to Richard looking old, roughed up.
“I-“ I sighed. “One day at the time, you know. Meetings three times a week, drowning my self in cupcakes and cookies, watching really bad television…” I looked Richard up and down. His beard was almost completely grey at this point, wrinkles contouring his knowledge and surgical career. “How about you, how have you been holding up? I haven’t seen you at a meeting in a while."
“Catherine’s in town, you know how it is.” He looked at me, and handed me a coffee cup. “Good luck today, Shepherd.”

I walked to the attending lounge. Left, left, straight, right.
Jo was sitting on the couch, curled up a book. She didn’t even notice I had walked in. She had her braids in, with a small bun on the bottom of her hairline, and a small bloody piece of lip she had been biting on.
“Hey, Wilson.”
“Dr. Shepherd! You’re back!” She put away her book.
“Coffee?”
She nodded. I grabbed two cups from the dark brown cabinets. A blue one for Jo, and a purple one for me. The filtercoffee in this lounge was the only drinkable coffee on this floor. Bailey always made it extra strong, and Maggie brought almond cream in.
“How do you drink your poison?”
“Cream and sugar.”
“Sugar? What are you, a teenager?”
She scoffed, I laughed. God, how I loved being back at work where I could be me, and didn’t need to make myself smaller to fit into the house and people’s expectations of me. Free to do what I want, how I want, when I want.

“Thanks.” Jo said. “I love Luna, but she is exhausting me to a point I didn’t even know was possible, and I’m currently applying for OBGYN fellowships but they’re not approved yet.” She sighed.
“Are you doing this all on your own?”
“Yeah, but I don’t mind. She is a drug, Amelia. She makes me want to stay at home and just hold her all day.” Jo said.
“Yeah, babies will do that to you. They’re crack.”
“They totally are.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I thought about Lysanne, she hadn’t called yet. It had been over a week, I had seen her at meetings, but she was distant to me. I knew what that could mean for her sobriety, if she was anything like me.
I used to go dark, empty, pretend the people around me where just there to serve purpose in my story and I could do whatever I wanted to them because they weren’t real in my world. It caused a lot of problems, because when I did eventually lash out, I told them everything I thought off them, and only after would realize the damage I had done to the relationship I had with them was, in fact, real.

“How do you do it?” Jo asked me. It was such a sudden question I was thrown off for a second.
“Do what?”
“Be on top of your game a hundred and one percent of the time, have a child, family…”
I didn’t know what to say. For one, because I didn’t know the answer, but mostly because I am on edge all the time. I feel like I could burst with any minor inconvenience, but somehow I didn’t.
“Honestly?” I asked her. Her piercing blue eyes looked hopeful at me, like I was some kind of prophet about to tell her her lives wishes were coming true on a Sunday in the winter of a leap year. “I don’t know. I think it helps I know what my rock bottom looks like, and as long as I’m not there, it’s a good day.” I sighed.
“You’re very wise, you know that?” She said. “Like an owl, or something."
“Are we calling me a bird?”

Eleven A.M. My first surgery back after five months. I have been hiding in the skills lab for days, teaching the residents and practicing my techniques to make sure I was ready.
When I walked into the OR, my mind cleared. Every thought I’ve had these past few months? Gone. Like clouds disappearing to show me the hidden sun and it’s sparkle. My hands did what my brain told them to do, it was beautiful. I was performing an art show, live and-
“Dr. Shepherd?”
“Hm?”
“Someone is paging you a 112?”
“Meredith or Maggie?”
“Ly-Lysanne?”
It’s a good thing I had a very steady hand, or I might have dropped a scalpel into this very nice old lady’s brain. My hart sunk. I had told her to call if she needed, but I didn’t expect her to actually do it. And of course it had to be during my first surgery back.
“Grab my phone, call her, put her on speaker.”
“Yes, Dr. Shepherd.”
It rang once. It rang twice. It rang thrice… What if she doesn’t pick up? She has to pick up. Come on, Lysanne. Pick up, pick up…
“A-Amelia?”
“Lysanne? You okay?”
“No- not- not really. I-I don’t know what to do.”
“Okay, Lysanne, I’m in the OR right now, but the people here, they’re obligated to keep this private under patient confidentiality, so you can talk freely.” I looked around the staff, made sure to have seen everyone nod at what I just said.
“Lysanne?”
“Yeah?”
“Where are you right now?”
“I- I’m at a friend- or- or someone who I used to think of as a friend and-“ She cried. I heard her gasp for air, “And they pulled out a bag of weed, and- they’ve been smoking for hours, which I could deal with, it’s just weed, and I didn’t like it the times I tried it, made me fussy in my head you know, but someone just pulled up with oxy. I- I’m going to use, Amelia.” The time was not right to panic. I was inside someone’s brain, I was in my brain, and I had to calm down a teenagers drug addicted brain. Breathe, Amelia, breathe.

“Have you used yet?” I slowly put a prob into the open brain in front of me.
“No, but I’m going to, and that’ll mean I have to go back to rehab, loose my eighty-one days sober, start over, again, switch school again- and I-I can’t Amelia. I can’t. I want to use. I need to use.” I needed to get her out of the situation, but how do I do that from an OR, with a teenage addict who is literally in a drug den. Distract, refocus, relieve. Distract, refocus, relieve.
“Says who?” I asked.
“What?”
“Who told you you need to use?” I asked. I made the cut around the tumor, it went smoothly. It didn’t bleed, didn’t rupture. Easy surgery, ease back into the work. Just like Myara and Link told me.
“Well, no one told me to, but I- they implied- there’s so much oxy, it’s too much for just them, and-“
“Are you able to get here safely?” I inserted the tweezerlike instrument to grab a piece of the tumor’s sack.
“I- I think so. But I can’t stand up to them, they’re my friends…” Lysanne whined.
“Are they, though? I wouldn’t do drugs with friends that are addicts, or drink with an alcoholic, but hey, maybe that’s me.” Silence. Silence meant bad things for addicts. We were either in a headspace we’d use, surrounded by negative influences, or other bad things. But this silence was a shame silence. She didn’t tell them she’s an addict.
“They don’t know?” I asked her. No answer. I took out my surgical instrument and put my arms on the stands besides me to rest. I signaled one of the nurses for a chair, I needed to sit down, just for a second.
“Lysanne, listen to me. I know you’re scared right now, and triggered to use. But there’s a choice you need to make.” I sighed. “You can either do the drugs now, regret it later, do all the steps again, start over. Or, you can come to Grey-Sloan, stay clean, sober, on track of the goals you set. It is your choice, and if you decide to leap, I will catch you. Either way, I’ll catch you, Lysanne.”
A faint cry came from my phone. I looked at the scrub nurses, who were also worried. This must be such a bizarre thing happening to them. Half of them didn’t even know I was an addict, and I just outed that to them.

“I-“ she snicked, “I don’t want to use, but I need to, Amelia. I need to. I can hear them just- just crushing the baggie…”
“You don’t need to Lysanne. I promise you, you are stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. Come to Grey-Sloan, please, Lysanne?” I needed her to say she’d come. I needed that.
“Lysanne?”
“I’m going to leave, now. Will you stay on the phone with me, while I walk?”
“Of course I will. When you’re here, ask for Richard Webber, and tell them Amelia Shepherd told you to do so.”

I could hear her walk, and cars whooshed past her. I signaled I was ready to continue my surgery, and got up. Bohkee handed me my surgical instruments back, and I slowly started re-inserting the scalpel and tweezer instrument. I slowly cut around the big, yellowy-white bulge sticking up from the soft, pink brain matter.
The OR’s where dark, and cold-ish. But Lysanne telling me she was coming here, it made the OR almost light up. I could do this, I could save her. I might be a neurosurgeon, but I was also a teenage addict not that long time ago. I knew what she felt. The things that went through her perfect, beautiful mind. I knew them, even the most horrible ones. The ones where you crave oxycodone so bad, you don’t care you could die from it. You just want it, and believe it’s the very last time. But it never is. Not until you start the work.
Lysanne needed to do the work now. I could help her, but she needed to do the work.

Chapter Text

“Oh, Amelia!”
“Maggie!” I hugged her hello, as I hadn’t seen Maggie all week. We kept missing each other at work and at home, which was weird. She had been picking up more nightshifts, which meant Mer and I got to spent most nights at home with our kids. I loved spending time at home with the kids, don’t get me wrong, but it was weird not having my better half there, not even for pancake Sunday’s.
“Winston and I, we sort of thought we could have a barbecue next week? To celebrate the official lift of masks and society going back to normal.”
“Right.” I said.
“You think it’s a bad idea.” She said.
“What? No- I just,” I sighed, “Who’d we even invite?”
“Well, we have a very big yard, so why not just invite everyone? I bet Owen and Teddy have an extra barbecue, the kids don’t eat that much, and- I just need fun, you know? It’s been so long since we had fun. The last time was at my wedding, we need this, Amelia.”
“If you can get it past Mer, I’ll happily make desert.” I said.
“I’ll clear it, no problem. Mer’s not gonna say no to this, she has been working way too much. She’ll probably won’t even care all that much. Right?” Maggie looked at me, questioning her own words.
I raised my brows. As long as Maggie cleared it, I’d deal with it.

I walked to the OR board, see what I’d be doing today. I mostly scheduled simple aneurysms since my return to work, as to not stress my injury and work, and the new neuro attending had taken over my tumor removals.
After Lysanne had arrived at Grey-Sloan the other day, the patient I had been operating on stroked out because I had nicked the tumor and some of it had traveled to a smaller artery. Her husband didn’t sue, luckily for me and my career, but it did make me realize I wasn’t ready for the big procedures yet.
The new neuro attending was fine. He wasn’t anything special, and I couldn’t really remember his name, but he had studied under one of the neurosurgeons Tom trained, which meant he would’ve at least had a great teacher. 

These were the moments I missed working with Derek. I hated his ego, and how he had stolen Chief of neuro from me because he was that insecure about how good I had become, but he would have taken my cases without hesitation or problems. Bailey wouldn’t have been riding my ass about hiring a new neuro attending, and I wouldn’t have to worry about my return. 

“Hey, stranger.” Link kissed my head.
“Hey.”
“So, Maggie told me something about a barbecue we are apparently hosting next week? What’s that about?” He asked. He leaned on the counter, looking at me with his big, gorgeous eyes. When he leaned on furniture like this, you could really see how shredded he was. Like, actually, godly ripped.
“She needed something fun to organize.” I shrugged. “But we’ll see if Meredith gives her the all clear. We’ll probably end up ordering pizza and serving beer all night.”
“You don’t think I can grill?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“But I heard you think it.” He said. “I’ll show you the best damn spare ribs you’ve ever eaten. Watch me, baby.” Link walked away from me, laughing and finger gun pointing at me. Dork. He might look like there’s not much going on in there, just another pretty face, but he wasn’t. He’s a good man.

I sighed. I still haven’t talked to him, and I still haven’t talked to Myara. Keeping myself and Lysanne clean had been my main focus these last few days. I needed a meeting.
The board didn’t have me on it until 2 P.M. anyway. 

I remembered I had seen Richard somewhere. I’m dragging him with me, Catherine’s gone and he still wasn’t showing up. He had taken care of Lysanne when I was in surgery and sat with her, talked with her when she rolled up here and I wasn’t, or I was still in surgery.
She wasn’t allowed in the gallery without supervision, but when she was here, he’d sit with her and I could hear him explain what I was doing. Maybe I didn’t just save her, maybe I also made her consider a career as a surgeon.
I still had to find Richard. He might not say it, but avoiding meetings meant the same to every addict: we were not sticking to our healthy coping skills and our sobriety. We might not be doing drugs, or drinking, but there are a thousand other ways to screw with your sobriety. Trust me, I’d know.
“Richard, I was just looking for you.” I said. “Want to go to a meeting with me?”
“Oh, no, thank you. I’m fine.” He smiled, and continued working on his computer.
“Richard, I don’t want to invade your personal space,”
“But you’re going to anyway…”
“But you need to come to a meeting with me. I’m not asking, I’m telling.”
He sighed. I could see him think about. That was a good sign, because he hadn’t said no yet.
“Fine. I’ll go grab my coat. I’ll meet you downstairs in ten, but I’m driving.” He put down his coffee, and started walking. I had a silent victory.
I was on a roll.

The ride over was quiet. I had put on my sunglasses, the sun was kind of harsh on my eyes. I never used to wear sunglasses, but after my first brain surgery I wasn’t able to tolerate sunlight the way I used to anymore. It was weird, Tom hadn’t even been near the part that affects my sight. But in all honesty, it was a small price to pay for my brain tumor being removed and, you know, living.
“Can we stop on 228 Illumise Street? Lysanne texted she wanted to join us, but her mom’s at work.”
Richard didn't say anything, but he switched lanes. We had brought Lysanne home a few times after she cam to us at Grey-Sloan, so he knew where to go.

“Hi! Thank you, for picking me up.” Lysanne got in, and did her seatbelt.
“No problem. How are you doing today?” I turned around in my seat so I could look at her. My bun got stuck between the window and seat, but I could see her. She had dyed her hair, just the front pieces and the underlay of her hair, but it was definitely something.
“Well…”
“You dyed your hair?”
“Yeah… about that.” She started. “I had a full-on mental breakdown, or something. I wanted to dye it red, and cut it short, but I’m no longer even allowed to touch scissors, and we only had blue. So now I have blue hair, and I hate it. It’s not my color, and I hate it.”
“Don’t you just love it when actions have consequences?” Richard asked me.
I laughed. He was right, these were the type of consequences that wouldn’t actually hurt anyone, and were even helpful to an addict. Seeing how something impacts you on a spiritual and physical level, like hair dye, was a great way to teach her this.
“Hey, we’re having a barbecue next week, my place. If you feel up for it, wanna come?” I asked her. She needed some friends. If Bailey and Hayes brought their kids over, maybe she’d even have fun for an evening.
“That’s weird, Amelia.”
“What, why?” I asked. I looked at Richard. “He’s coming too, he doesn’t think it’s weird. Right, Richard?”
“I-“
“It’s weird, because you have a whole family, and stuff. I’d only know you two there, and there’d be, like, way too many surgeons. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m like, 40 years younger than all of you. It’s weird.” She pouted. She grabbed her phone. I took that as a sign she was done having this conversation with me. I gave Richard a side eye, and he did the same. I tried to contain my laughter.

She reminded me so much of myself at her age, it was both a great thing, and a curse. It was great, because I knew her thoughts and tricks. But it was also a curse, because now I understand what I put Derek and my mother through.
“You know, seeing as we’re old, and stuff, we do have kids your age too. They’d be there, and I know for a fact one of them has a very handsome, sixteen year old boy. And, he’s Irish.” I said.
“Seriously?” She sighed, “You’re trying to convince me with boys?”
“Well, yeah. That works for teenage girls, right?”
“Amelia, have you seen me?” She asked. I was very confused what she was asking me.
“Yeah?”
“No, have you seen me?” She pointed at herself. “What about me gives you the idea I’m straight, or into boys? Yuck.” She rolled her eyes.
“Good for you.” I said. “Good for you. We’re not allowed to date our first year sober, anyway.”

We arrived at AA. It was a full house, one of the busiest meetings I had been to in a while. Lysanne wondered of to the pastries, and I did too. While Lysanne grabbed a brownie, I grabbed my Tupperware and put cookies on the plate. We had so much left-overs from Ellis’ birthday, it was insane. Even Bailey and Link couldn’t eat their way through the left-overs.
“Can you, like, not tell my mom and stuff?” Lysanne asked.
“Tell her what?”
“That I’m not into boys. I- We haven’t had that conversation yet. She’s already so stressed out because of my addiction, I don’t wanna put this on her too.” She picked at her brownie.
“I’m not going to tell her anything unless you’re a danger to yourself or others, I promise you, Lysanne.”
“Thank you.”

I looked over at Richard, who was talking with his sponsor. It was weird. I was a sponsor, but I never really had one. I always relied on friends and family.
Adrienna called me out of my thoughts. She was opening the meeting.
I sat besides Lysanne, who was still picking at her brownie.

“Hello everybody, good to see you all. We’ve got some new faces here with us today, hello.” She said, and nodded to a man in the corner. He clearly wasn’t sober, and we wall knew, but we were still proud he came to a meeting.
“Does anyone wanna start off today?”
“Yes, I would.” I looked over, where Richard was. He got up, and walked to the front. See, Amelia, good idea to take him with you. Derek would be proud of me.

“I’m Richard, I’m an alcoholic, and I’m 4391 days sober.”
“Hello Richard.”
“I haven’t been here in a while, and I have been avoiding a meeting.” He looked at the desk. “I have been burying myself, and my sobriety, in my wife. She couldn’t leave the state, due to Covid, and, uhm, I took full advantage of that. I spent as much time with her as possible and-“ He looked at me. Why did he look at me?
“And I ignored friends who are concerned about my sobriety. I have been doing good, lately. And it felt wrong to me, to come here, and tell you all how well I’m doing. It felt like I didn’t deserve that, the telling how good I’m actually doing.” I nodded at him. I understood what he was saying, but I was still glad I had dragged him here. “But, in all honesty? I want to thank the friend who pushed me to a meeting, because I now know I just needed to admit to myself I’m allowed to do good after all the things I’ve worked through. Thank you."
“Thank you, Richard.” Adrienna said. Richard stepped down, and nodded to her. He also nodded to me, which I took as a thank you. “Anyone else?”
“Yeah, me. I guess.” Lysanne got up, tucking her blue hair behind her ears. I didn’t know she was going to share today, but I was glad she felt secure enough to do it. It was scary, getting up there and being one of the youngest.

“Hi, I’m Lysanne, addict, 92 days sober today.” She said.
“Hello, Lysanne.” I sat back, ready to listen to her. She didn’t share often, and when she did it was often generic addict talk. She had shared pieces of her life with me, but we we’re still getting to know each other, I was still building a boat big enough to get her out of the water would I ever need to.
“I got my 90 days chip two days ago, and don’t get me wrong, that’s great and all, but I’m, uh, not doing too hot.” She said. She played with her bracelets.
“Because, I think I have been replacing my oxy addiction with, uh, self harm, and- well my mom, she has been talking to my therapist about getting me admitted for a while.” I looked at her, concerned. These were the kind of things you tell a sponsor, to properly sponsor you through decisions and hard things like these. I wondered why she didn’t tell me.
“But I don’t want to go. I’m in a really good school now, like, really good. I have friends there, who like, read for fun and have study groups, because they want to. And, yeah, every day is already so hard, and if I go away again, I’m going to be the weird one again. And I just- I- I don’t want that. Plus, they pump you full over drugs over there, you know?” She laughed, but the crowd didn’t. I could see she was uncomfortable, but I was proud she shared this with the group.
“Anyways, I’m not doing too hot. My mom and I had an argument about it, and I walked out, no worries I went to my sponsor,” she looked at me. I remembered she came into the hospital the other day, bit more in a mood than usual. That must’ve been when the argument had happened.
“And, even though I really wanted to, I didn’t use, but now my mom is threatening to kick me out. She thinks I won’t be able to stay clean, which, honestly, isn’t a great feeling you know? She’s my mom, she’s supposed to believe in me. But whatever, I guess.”
She got off the stage, and when she returned, she sat down with one seat between us. Shit, I thought. We were going to have to have to talk about this, because if she’s kicked out, she’s not going to stay sober.
“Thank you, Lysanne.” Adrienna said. “Anyone else today?”
I raised my hand.

I got up, and pulled on my bun. It felt tight around my head. I unhooked my necklace, it felt uncomfortable all of the sudden. I also hung my green leather jacket over my chair before getting on the stage. There were a lot of people today, who’d know my struggles in a second. Great.

“Hello, I’m Amelia, I am an addict, and I’m 2.286 days sober.”
“Hello, Amelia.” I glanced at Lysanne, who had buried herself in her phone. I sighed.
“I am standing here today, because-“ I looked to the ceiling, I could already feel my tearducts open. “Because I am so incredibly grateful to be sober. I have a beautiful, healthy son, I have a family who loves me, and I’m officially fully recovered from my accident.” I said. Lysanne looked up, but as soon as our eyes met, she looked at her phone again.
“The other day, when I started back at work, I lost my patient. My very first patient back, and I felt so sick to my stomach, I almost crossed the street and gave in to the voice in the back of my head telling me I didn’t deserve to survive what my brother didn’t, that I wasn’t allowed to be happy, and alive. But I didn’t, because I’m no longer responsible for just myself, but also for my son, and my department at the hospital. And, I still haven’t talked to my boyfriend, who has been so, so, so supportive through everything, but I know I need to.” I sighed. “I’m just gathering to courage to do so, and I’m thankful I am still here to get to make these kind of decisions everyday.”

Chapter Text

“What you shared today,” I started, “It was good. I’m proud of you. You talked about it. That’s progress.”
“Please, how is my mom threatening to kick me out progress?”
“Because she doesn’t understand what’s in your head, Lysanne. She thinks addiction is black and white, and it isn’t.” I said. She felt a bit hostile in her body language, which meant I had to be very careful how to approach this.
“I don’t want to talk about this right now. I have a chem test tomorrow, can we talk after that?” She didn’t look up from her phone. I knew this conversation was going to take place tomorrow, but still. It didn’t sit right with me.
“Sure. But-“ I said. And she sighed. “Give my number to your mom and have her call me. I’m not going to say anything about what we’ve discussed, but her hearing something from me might make things a little bit better. Maybe she doesn’t know enough recovered addicts to properly handle his."
“Fine, whatever.”

We dropped her off, and she didn’t even wave goodbye. God, she was a piece of work, I just hope she makes it sober to tomorrow so we can discuss it.
I sighed.

“So, what are you going to do with her now, Shepherd?” Richard asked.
“Honestly?” I looked over my shoulder, “I don’t even know. If her mom kicks her out, she is going to use. That is just a fact. I can offer her a place to stay, in the study, but I don’t think Meredith is going to be okay with that, because of the kids. And Link, oh boy, he will fight me over it. He’s already pissed I’m even a sponsor at all, imagine if I ask if I can bring another addict into the house.”
“I’ll take her in.”
“What?”
“Since Adele died, it’s been quiet at home. And Catherine’s only in town every once in a while, so I’ve got plenty of room.”
“Really?” I asked him.
“Really.” He said.
“I’ll tell her that.” I said. “Thank you, Richard.”

The car ride back to the hospital was quiet after that. Richard was focused on the drive, and I was stuck in my thoughts.
I’m a damn good neurosurgeon, why was I wasting my skills on nothing but aneurysms? I had become insecure, and I needed to get my ego back. My first patient back wasn’t even to blame on me, sacks burst, they get nicked. It’s the risk of surgery.
If it had been the first tumor sack I’d nicked, it would have been a totally different story, but it wasn’t. If fact, they almost always burst. I decided then and there I’d get back to my research, and start tackling hard cases again. I need to talk to Myara, we’d be a great team on this. If we could continue Callie’s and Derek’s research, and make it successful? It’d be a total game changer for amputees. And it could even help Owen and Teddy with their project to help out with returning vets.

“Shepherd?” Richard waved his hand in front of me. I must have been very deep into my thoughts.
“Hm?”
“Your phone’s buzzing. You might want to grab it, could be the hospital.”
I reached for my phone.
“Dr. Shepherd speaking."
“Amelia, did you tell Maggie you’d happily host a barbecue next week?” Meredith asked me. She sounded agitated. Of course Maggie had put the barbecue on me.
“What? No. It was Maggie’s idea, I told her to clear it with you, and that I’d happily make desert, if she got the all clear from you.”
It was quiet for a second.
“Mer?”
“I’m thinking.” She said. “I’m thinking very hard."
“Dangerous sport.” I joked.
“You’re not funny.” Meredith said. “Fine, you two can have your barbecue. But I will not be doing anything. I will be sitting, watching the kids, and drinking tequila.”
“Sounds like a plan.”

When we came back to the hospital, it was quiet. Everyone was either in an OR, or teaching a skills lab. We had two different groups now. The mix of left over residents in their second or third year, and the interns. Most of the residents had either quit, or went into a full mental breakdown during lockdown which caused them to be re-evaluated as unfit for the residency program. The pandemic didn’t only take lives, but it had also taken the energy and motivation of a lot of health care workers, which sucked, as we already had  shortage before the pandemic, and it had only become worse now.
I changed into my scrubs, and went to the laundry room. My scrub cap should be out the washing machine by now.

“Oh, I- I didn’t know you were here, I’m sorry.” I closed the door quickly.
“Seriously? You’re going to avoid me now?” Myara stepped out.
“No. Yes. No. Maybe?”
“Shepherd, look. I have about an hour before I have to get back into surgery, and we’re either going to talk about this now, or not all anymore. So, pick one of the other. Talking or avoiding each other?” She leaned against the door. Her braids were messy, she must have been working for a while.
“I-“ I started. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. “I think we should talk. I- I’d like to talk."
“Good.” Myara said. “That’s good. Do you have surgery scheduled right now? I’ll scrub in with you.”
“I’m not scheduled until 2.”
“Coffee then? There’s a good cart outside, even has vanilla pumps.”
“Sure.” I said. I didn’t drink vanilla in my coffee, but if she wanted vanilla I’ll walk with her.

We started walking, or more like she started walking and I followed her like a puppy. She pushed the button for the elevator, and when it opened, we could see it was pretty stocked. I want to turn around, and take the stairs, but she pulled me into the elevator. Myara stood behind me, and I could feel her breathe in my neck. I also could smell the peppermint mixed with surgery. Her hand touched mine, and I want to turn around and just kiss her, right here, right now. But I didn’t. And when the doors opened, I stepped out.

“So, this magical coffee cart, where is it?” I asked. I tried to hide my face from her, to not let her see how excessive I was blushing.
“Past the doors, outside. We can sit in the yard, or something. There’s a place with shade I love, under the big tree, in the back. I meditate there, when the weather allows for it. It’s a lot rainier in Seattle than New York, but the nature here makes up for it. Callie was right, I love it here.” Myara said.
“You meditate? Under tree’s?” I got stuck on that part, not the part where Callie had, apparently, literally sent her here. Like some sort of… witch. Like she knew Myara would be my type, and I’d fall head over heels. Mean, that’s what it is.
How did I not know she was the kind of person who was so mentally stable she did meditations? How was she a student of Callie? They seemed like a total opposite in approach and personality. We walked in silence to the cart.
“Tall matcha latte with vanilla, please.” She said, and looked at me.
“And a cappuccino with cocoa powder for me, please.” I reached for my phone to pay, but Myara had already put a bill on the counter. She waved my phone away.
“It’s fine, you’ll get the next one.” Myara said. While we waited I turned my head to the sun, grab some vitamin D. It’s hard to come by when you’re either stuck in the house taking care of four kids, or the OR. The sun felt good on my skin. Shit, my sunglasses, they’re still in my bag.
“Let’s go.” Myara handed me my coffee, and I followed her again.

We walked for a little, and when we stopped, I didn’t recognize the place where we had ended up. I didn’t know the hospital had a place like this. It was beautiful. There was a beautiful acai tree, in the middle of a grass circle. It was enormous. How had I never known this was here?
“See?” Myara said, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Yeah- it is. Oh my God, it’s gorgeous!” I said. She smiled at me, and I could see her smiley piercing again. She handed me her cup, and she took off her coat which she turned inside out so we could sit on it.
“So, I suppose I owe you my explanation first, don’t I?” Myara grabbed her cup from me, and sat down, crossing her knees in front of her chest. She looked at me, and for a second I was stuck in her beautiful green eyes. I’ve always had a thing for green eyes, bu hers were beyond anything I had ever seen.
I nodded, and sat down the same way she did. I undid my bun, allowing my hair to fall alongside my face. I hoped I could cover my fear and embarrassment with it, should it be necessary.

“I’m gonna jump right in, because I’m not a touchy-feeling kind of person.” I stayed quiet, just looking at her. She started weeding her fingers through the grass. She was nervous, I could see that. But I was not going to be first one to say anything.
“I am sorry. I should have been more clear, the other day. I might have sent you some mixed signals, and I didn’t mean to, but I did. And I’m sorry for that.” She bit her lip. If only she knew how much I wanted to that for her. But I couldn’t. There’s Link, there’s Scout, and there’s the fact I still don’t know why she did what she did.
“Might have?” I asked.
“Yeah, that’s fair. I did.” She sighed.
“Yeah."
“Look, I could tell you why, but I’m not sure that’s going to fix things either.”
“Just tell me. I need to know, because you confuse the hell out of me.” I said.
She smiled. “I’ve heard that before.” Myara sipped her matcha. I could see some foam on her top lip from it.
“I’m a complicated person. I don’t talk about feelings, or anything, but I am a very passionate person. When I want something, I chase it. And, I know it’s no excuse, but I have a tendency to do that with people I’m attracted to, too, no matter what. And that’s not fair to you, or Link, who also happens to my boss. So, I shouldn’t have done that Amelia. It was unprofessional.”

I sighed, and took a sip of my coffee. I looked her up and down. I had read somewhere if you’re having a difficult conversation and stay quiet, the other party is more likely to fill in the conversation, and she might say something else. But she didn’t. She just kept weeding through the weeds in the grass, picking at clovers, looking up every now and then.
“Amelia?”
“Hm?”
“What are you thinking right now?”
“I’m thinking you’re not the only one who should’ve thought about Link before following their gut and make split-second, passionate decisions.” She looked up at me. “I should have thought about Link too, before I returned your question to you.”
“Why did you return the question anyway?” Myara asked me.
“Because I have a tendency to chase the things I want, too.”

Chapter Text

We stared at each other. If she was thinking the same thing I was, this could end really badly. I wanted to lean into her, and just taste her, smell her, feel her. But I didn’t. Everything in me told me to do it, but I didn’t. I had to look away from her.
“Wait, there’s something in your hair.” I looked at her again, and she reached for me. I tried to look up, to avoid her eyes meeting mine, but I failed miserably. I let her touch me, my face, my hair. “Awh, a lady bug.” She returned her hand to somewhere where I could see her hand too, and there was a small, black lady bug on her finger.
“Make a wish, Shepherd.”
Kiss me. Then I blew on the lady bug, and it took off.

“Amelia! I have been looking everywhere for you! Why are you not answering your phone of pager?” Maggie yelled. I coughed, hoping to rid myself of the thoughts I had a second ago, and pretend there wasn’t some kind of electric field around us.
“I-“
“There’s a trauma in the ER. Deep head lack, and the CT showed a bleed. Nimann’s out today, so you’re the only one form neuro. Come on.” She grabbed my arm, and lifted me.
“I’m-“ I turned to Myara.
“No, go. I’ll follow in a minute. My surgery’s about to start, anyway.”
“No, it got bumped for Shepherd’s, sorry. It’s on the board.” Maggie said to Myara.
“Well, then Mr. Turner’s going to have to wait another day on his hip replacement, I guess. Go, I’ll catch up later.”
I tried to tell her I was sorry, but Maggie had already dragged me around the block.

“Tell me I did not just see what I think I saw?” Maggie asked me. Shit, I’m busted.
“What? There was nothing to see.” I played dumb.
“Tell me you were not flirting with her, Amelia.” Maggie hissed
“I was not.” I said. I redid my hair in a small, low bun.
“You’re an even worse liar than I am. God, this is bad. Have you even talked to Link? What if he had been the one to see you?” I needed to change the subject, Maggie was way too smart to not figure out I was lying to her. I’d have to stay clear of Myara for a while, to not cause anymore suspicion to Maggie.
“Is there even a surgery, or were you just policing the yard for no good reason?”
“OR 5, your bleeding head trauma. Helmouth will be scrubbing in, because she’s still not allowed on Meredith’s service and has been shadowing Mer’s OR from the gallery. But we’re not done talking about this. I’m bad at keeping secrets, okay?” She turned around and walked away. Shit.

“Gown and glove, please.” I said, stepping into the OR. It was crowded, as it was still being prepared obviously. When a trauma came in, OR’s moved like an ant colony. Everybody knew their task, and where to find it. I could see Missy, one of my favorite scrub nurses, already counting the towels to put on the table for me to rest my arms on.
“Dr. Shepherd! Thank you, for letting me scrub in.” Helmouth said.
“Not my choice, Helmouth. You better keep up, I do not have time to hold your hand right now. I’ll teach you on my next surgery, but we need to get in there quick.” Helmouth annoyed the hell out of me. She was mouthy, pushy, and thought she was all that. But she wasn’t that good of surgeon, and from what I had heard from the other residents, and Jo when Helm was still living on her couch, she wasn’t all that nice of a person either. Helmouth was the type of girl I would’ve body checked in the cafeteria in high school.
I looked at the films on the screen. Subdural moon hematoma on the left. Right in the primary motor center.
“Get the tools ready. Bohkee, drill please, and hand it to Dr. Helmouth.” I looked at Helm. “I understand you did my burr-holes, so you’ll be doing them now.”
“Thank you, Dr. Shepherd.”
“Just do it, Helm.”

I tied my gown, and walked over to Missy, who placed the fluoroscope on my head.
“Can you pull it a little more down, please?” I asked her.
“Of course, Dr. Shepherd.”
“Thank you, Missy."
I stepped closer to the patient. There was blood leaking from the burr-holes, that was a good sign. But the clot I saw coming out, that was a lesser sign.
“She’s clotting, push five of heparin.”
“Five of heparin, in now."
“Isn’t that counter active with a brain bleed?”
“Remind me to answer that question, later Helm. I got to get in there.” I took a deep breathe. This was my first emergency surgery back. I needed to get this right.
“Bohkee, ten blade.” I put my hand out for her, and she handed me my scalpel.
“Ten blade.”
“Helm, suction.” I said.
I started my incision. It wasn’t the cleanest, but that didn’t matter right now. The scar would be buried into her hair, anyway.

“Bohkee, foot drill.” I exchanged my scalpel for the drill.
“Helm, keep the area moist. I don’t want skull shards flying around in here.”
“Yes, Dr. Shepherd."
I had missed commanding my residents like this. I don’t like Helm, but I loved telling people what to do, and when to do it. I had missed this. I looked up to the gallery. There were other residents, like Schmitt, and even Mer was watching. Richard was up there, too. And I was surprised to even see Myara. Of course she was watching, I thought, you stole her OR.

The skull came loose, and I removed the piece quickly. Missy took the basin and dripped water over it every now and then. I could see the bleed, and luckily, I could also see where it was coming from. Helm would be able to do it. Maybe if I teach her now, she won’t be in my OR for the next surgery.
“Helm, get over here. Missy, another microscope and fluoroscope please.” I stepped away, making place for Helmouth.
“But-“ She started.
“Do you want to do this, or not?” I said. We had some time, but not enough to endlessly discuss it. “Unhook me, Missy.”
“Now, you can see where the bleed is coming from, right?” I asked.
“Yes, Dr. Shepherd.”
“You,” I said, while taking the doppler from her to keep dripping water on it, “Are going to cauterize it. It’s right on top, so you should be able to get it without a problem.”
“Cautherizer please.” She said.
“Now, be steady, and be scared of the damp that will come from the cauterization. I am going to keep it moist, so be careful.”

Helmouth stepped away from the microscope.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I can’t see it. Not- not through the scope. I need the glasses.” She said. There wasn’t time for that, and chances were if she couldn’t see through the scope, she wouldn’t see through the glasses either. I had to take over from her, as to not let this patient die on my table.
“Why didn’t you say that earlier?” I groaned
“I- I didn’t know, but now I do.”
“Damnit, Helmouth.” I sighed. “Step away. Remind me to turf you to cardio after this.”

I took the cautherizer from her, and kept dripping the water myself. I stopped the bleed, but due to giving heparin earlier, I kept her open for a second. I wanted to make sure she didn’t have a rebleed.
“Reverse heparin with two of protamine.”
“Two of protamine being pushed.”
I poked at my cauterization for a few seconds. It looked like it was holding.
“What’s her clothing time?”
“8 seconds.”
After a few more pokes, I decided we were in the clear.
“Alright, let’s close. I want her monitored the next five hours. I need to know why she had a blood cloth, and why it burst in her brain. Someone get vascular or cardio. If she rebreeds, the resident that’s closest opens her up which shouldn’t be hard as I already did all the work.” I looked at the gallery. I saw a few residents discuss. They were probably figuring out who was going to monitor the patient, because the resident monitoring her, would be scrubbing in if there was another bleed.
I started to close her up. Missy handed me the piece of skull, and I twisted it until it fit.
“Do you think you’re capable of suturing her close, or do I need to do that too?” I asked Helm. She didn’t respond. I handed Helm my tools, and Missy my gear, and left the OR.

I tore off my PPV. How did she manage to make it through her intern year? I have to take this up with Bailey, this is not the level of a third year resident, at all. She should know which essentials she prefers and actually can see through.
“Well,” Myara opened to door, “That went about as good as it should have."
“Don’t even start with me.” I sighed. I took off my scrub cap, and threw it in the sink.
“Hey, don’t take it out on the cap. Maybe that would know whether it needed glasses or the scope.”
“This is not the time for jokes, Myara. She could’ve killed that patient, and then it’d be my ass on the line! She should not be in her third year of residency, she’s not even capable of knowing which instruments she needs! Unbelievable!” I yanked out my bun, but my tie caught onto a knot.
“Careful-“ Myara said, but I kept yanking at it. “Hey. Hey!” She grabbed my hands. I wanted to scream at her to let me go, I was frustrated, and I’d just cut the stupid tie out, maybe while I was at it cut my hair too.
“It’s not your fault. You did everything right, and the patient is fine.” I felt tears well up in my eyes. Myara knew the right things to say, which only made this ten times harder. “Shh, come here.” She pulled me into a hug. I was crying now. Stupid, ignorant, idiot. Helm was an idiot, and she could not be taught neurosurgery. She was permanently off my service.
I could feel Myara untangle the tie from my hair. “There you go. It’s out.” She handed me the tie. “Don’t yank it out, your hair’s too pretty to be ripped from that beautiful head of yours.”
“Thank you.” I said. I grabbed my scrub cap from the sink, and started walking. I don’t care what Bailey was doing, she was going to listen to me.

“Bailey!”
“Dr. Shepherd.” She walked right past me, reading a pink folder.
“I need Helmouth permanently off my service.” I said. This seemed to get her attention.
“Why?” She closed her folder, and signaled to her office. I followed her inside, the other residents shouldn’t hear what I had to say.
“Because she’s an idiot, and shouldn’t have even been allowed into my OR.” I exclaimed furiously.
“Did she kill someone?” Bailey asked.
“No, but-“
“Did she go against what you told her to do?”
“No, but-"
“Is there any real reason why she should be off your service, at all, Dr. Shepherd? Because, if there isn’t, I’d like to get back to work.”
“If you would just listen to me, I could tell you.” I said. I hated how Bailey had a tendency to talk over you. I get she’s the Chief and all, but she could at least listen.
I sighed. 

“I had an emergent patient, who needed a bleed evacuated. I could see where it was coming from with just my eye, so I told Helm that if she knew how to do it, she could do it. The patient was critical, but we had time. We set up the scope, and she almost started, but suddenly she tell me she can’t see.” I waved my arms. I was still mad about it. “She should’ve known whether she wanted glasses or a scope, she’s a third year resident, Bailey! And it’s not the first time I caught her lacking. She will no longer be allowed in my OR until she actually shows me she is supposed to be at the level third year’s should be.”
“All right. Turf her to ortho with Link. She won’t be able to mess that up, broken bones are broken bones. Thank you.” She pointed to the door.
“That’s it?” I asked. I was confused. First, she was mad I had wanted Helmouth of my service, and now it was fine?
“You explained why, I agree. And you’re not the first surgeon who has turfed her, so I’m reassigning her. And, I’ve got to get through the new OBGYN application of Jo’s before lunch, otherwise she’ll be stuck on general for another year. Close the door on your way out.”

Chapter Text

“Zola!” Meredith yelled. “Can you come here for a second?”
“Did she finally rebel, and now you have to punish her?” I joked.
“No, but all this has been hard on her, I just want to make sure she’s okay.” Meredith said. She grabbed coffee, and a glass of apple juice. “You want something?” She pointed to the fridge, and the coffee machine.
“I’m good.” I said, and held up my steaming cup. I had caved, and tried hot matcha. I wanted to see what Myara raved about. It was disgusting, but if it’s as good as she tells me, I’ll push through.
“Can you do me a favor?” Meredith asked. She looked serious. Meredith always looked serious, but she looked even more serious now.
“Me?” I asked. Meredith almost never asked me favors.
“No, Santa Clause. Yes, you.” She rolled her eyes. Okay, stupid questions get stupid answers, I got it.
“You don’t have to be mean about it…” I said.
“If she asks you about therapy, can you tell her how it helped you?”
“Why would she be asking me about therapy?” I asked.
“Because I’m going to ask her if she wants to go, and knowing Zola, she’ll have questions that’s she’s going to ask all of us before making up her mind about it.” Meredith sighed.
“Yeah, okay, sure.” I said. “But to be honest, I’ve only been to rehab therapy, so I don’t know how useful my opinion is going to be. I think it would help her more if you told her about your therapy sessions…” 

Therapy. It had been a very long time since I had been there. And is addiction therapy even real therapy? I don’t know… Maybe I should go, too. But they would probably turf me back to AA, maybe even a psychiatric hold or something.
I had been to therapy as a child, but it was mostly art therapy back then. I used to love making sandcastles with the therapist. He was old, kind of like an elephant, and he would just listen. I overheard him telling my mom once that Derek was my favorite parent, and after that, we hadn’t returned.

I had always just talked to the people around me. When I was a kid, I had Derek, who was always there. In L.A. it was easy once I got settled, with Sheldon, and Violet. And Addison, Charlotte…
But here, in Seattle, I didn’t really have anyone I talked with. I had Maggie, but she was my sister, and it was just not the same. 

“Hey, Zozo.” Meredith said.
“I’ll go up stairs. You talk with your mom, okay?” I said to Zola.
“Okay.” She said. Meredith pushed the apple juice to her, and she took it. I nodded at Mer, and went upstairs.

I got Scout from his bed, and turned on my TV. I held Scout, and put on some baby sensory videos, and grabbed my phone.
It was Friday, which meant Charlotte could call any minute. I was ecstatic to talk to her, I had so much to update her about.

“Amelia?” Maggie knocked on my door.
“Come in!”
“Do you wanna come with me to the store? We need a few more things for the barbecue. I’d go alone, but I don’t want to.” She said. She was wearing her blue jumper and her hair in a pony tail. She was also wearing heels, which was a surprise. I’ve seen Maggie in heels, maybe three times? Her wedding, my wedding, and to the convention.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll take Scout with us, though. Mer is having the conversation with Zola, about therapy. I don’t want her to have to stop and get him, you know?” I said.
I got up, turned off the TV and grabbed my sneakers.
“Okay, big man, you’re coming with me.” I grabbed Scout, and his bag of essentials. Maggie was already downstairs, and had grabbed our coats and a few bags.
“You drive, I’m too tired.” I said.

“So, something’s been bothering me.” Maggie said. Oh God, here we go, she’s going to do this right now because I have no possible way to get out of this conversation.
“You, and Myara, and Link.” Yep, there it was. “What’s going on? Because, Link still sleeps here every night, and I know you don’t want to marry him, but are you two still together? Because I don’t think he’d be sleeping here if you two were broken up, but then why are you getting all flirty with the new ortho attending?”
“Maggie,” I sighed, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“You never talk to me anymore. Just tell me, you’ll feel better, I’ll feel better. Everybody wins.” She said. She was pretty convincing, and I hadn’t told Charlotte yet, so maybe this was the right thing to do.
“Fine. But not a word to anyone, but especially Meredith, about it."
Maggie nodded.

“When I went to the hospital a few weeks back, to get the all clear to operate, Myara asked me out.”
“What?”
“You have to let me finish, Maggie, before you judge.” I looked at Maggie, who was pouting. “I’m not gonna finish the story if you interrupt me every other word.”
“Fine.”
“She asked me out, and I said no, because of Link.” I said.
“Right.”
“And then I called Charlotte, and we talked about it, and I realized I didn’t say no because I want to be with Link, but I said no because I feel a need to keep Scout surrounded by both his parents.” I sighed. “And I’ve been to AA, and the more I think and talk about, the more sure I get Link and I, are not going to work. We’re just in total different places, and he wants me to be something I’m not. And then I asked her out, and she said no. And now, we’re in this awkward position.”
“But you’re still with Link.” She said. “Does he even know?”
“I’m waiting for the right moment to talk to him about it, but it’s been so hectic, and I- I think it’ll break him. And he doesn’t deserve that, but he’s smothering me. Mentally.”
“I get that. But talk to him before he catches you under a tree with his coworker, please, Amelia. He deserves a face to face.”
“I know.”

Maggie parked, I got a cart up front. Maggie had brought a list categorized by aisle with things we needed to get. Scout was awake, and fussed in the cart. I smiled at him. I had to stay clear of things he could grab onto easily, because he would grab it, and hold it. I was sure I’d forget about it, and then we’d come home with something like a single, stolen, radish or bag of chips, or something.
I was sent to the produce aisle, and grabbed seven cucumber, a few peppers, and the rest of Maggie’s list. Before I was done, Maggie had found me. She was rolling a big cooling cart in front of her.
“That’s the meat?” I asked.
“This is just the ribs, steak and burgers. Chicken, pig and vegan are in the other cooler.” She pointed at a store clerk rolling another cooler.
“Jesus Christ, these people are going to think we have some kind of secret zoo in our basement, or something.” I said. I knew we had to order a lot, but this was insane. This must be like, 40 kilo of meat. Just meat.
“It’s lucky Mer bought another freezer and put it in the shed, otherwise this wouldn’t even fit.” Maggie laughed, “You got the greens?” She peeked into my cart.
“Anything else?” I asked
“Beer? Wine?” Maggie said.
“Oh, right."
“That’s not a problem, right? I didn’t think about that, but we drink around you all the time. Or is it a problem if everyone else is drinking?"
“No, of course not.” I said. “I just don’t think about buying alcohol, because it’s a bad habit for an addict to remember to buy alcohol for her family.” I said. Part of that was true, but I was also worried Lysanne might change her mind and be surrounded by alcohol. Not a great thing for a freshly clean addict to be surrounded by.

“We’re back!” I yelled. “Anyone free? We’ve got meat to feed the zoo tomorrow.”
Zola and Bailey came running to the front, Meredith right behind them.
“I’ll grab the biggest box!” Bailey said.
Zola rolled her eyes. I laughed, the meat box was bigger than Bailey, there was no possible way he’d be able to lift that. I watched him try, and Zola laughed at him. He looked a bit disappointed, but it was hilarious. Maggie passed us carrying the produce bags.
“You got everything you needed?” Meredith asked.
“Yup.” I said.
“Did you buy the store? This is insane.” Meredith took a look at the freezers inside her big Subaru.
“I know, right?”
“How much was it?” She asked. I could already see her counting in her head of how much we had approximately bought.
“Trust me, you don’t want to know…” I said. Meredith would have a nervous breakdown if she knew the price. It wasn’t as much when we split it with the adults in the house, but it was still insane.
“Around 3000.” Maggie said.
“Maggie!” I hissed.
“3000 dollars?” Meredith gasped. “I could’ve bought phones for all three kids with that!”
“But you can’t pay the price for a fun night full of memories, right?” Maggie tried, but it was a lost cause. Meredith was already back inside. If we split it through five, which was the amount of adults hosting this barbecue, it was only around 400 per person. I’ve had night outs in bars that were more expensive than that.

I grabbed Scout from his carrier, and went upstairs to put him down again. He’d probably fuss for a while, but he was tired from the store. He got that from me.
To my surprise, I found Link in our room. Completely naked.
“Link!” He turned around, and I covered Scout’s eyes. Not like he’d remember any of this, but still.
“Amelia!” He said. He stepped back, falling over the bed, and landing on his ass on the ground. “Why did you bring Scout? I am naked!” He hissed.
“I didn’t bring him! I was going to put him down. What are you doing here? Don’t you have a hip replacement?” I whisper-yelled back at him.
“It got pushed for a trauma!” He said. Of course it got pushed, ortho always got pushed. I could’ve know. I shook my head, and went into the baby room. It had been Ellis’s before Mer had split the attic into three separate rooms for the kids. Now it was Scout’s. And it would be Maggie and Winston’s babies’ room too if we all kept living here.
“I love you. Yes, mommy loves you.” I said, and kissed Scout on his head. He still had that sweet, baby smell.

I opened the door, and Link still wasn’t dressed.
“Were you waiting for me?” I asked him.
“Would you be mad if I said yes?” He asked.
“No.” I smiled.
“Then yes, I was waiting for you.” He said. He stepped closer and kissed me. His soft lips and rough kiss were the perfect combination. His hands were already in my hair, and I kissed him back as if I had been starving.
“You,” I started, “Are naked, and the house is full. The kids-“
“Lock the door.” He said. I turned around and closed it. He turned the lock, and pushed me against the door. “You’re going to be very quiet, we don’t want to draw too much attention to what we’re doing, do we?” He whispered. I loved it when he was being so cavemen-like out of the blue. He was very good at it, too. Even better than Owen.
I hadn’t really felt sexy after having Scout, and then the accident… Him still wanting me in this way, it was good for my self esteem. His hands touched every inch of my body, and I could feel him against me. I smiled, and he picked me up to throw me on the bed. I let out a raspy giggle, which he immediately covered up with a kiss.
“I told you, be quiet.”

Chapter Text

My phone woke me up. It was Charlotte. I pushed my power button to disregard her call. I’d text her I was in surgery later.
“Don’t you have to get that?” Link asked.
“I would, but there’s a very handsome, naked man in my bed. I’d rather get that.” I kissed him, and I could feel him smile against my lips. He threw me over him so he was on top. I hadn’t expected that, and I yelped. I hoped no one had heard it.
Link was making his way down my body, and I was preparing for a second round, his soft lips leaving kisses all over me-
“Amelia? Everything okay in there?” Meredith asked. Shit.
“I’m fine! Go away, Mer!”
“You know Maggie and I are here for you, or whatever, right?” She said. Link groaned. There would be no second round for us today. I got up and opened the door, to put my head through.
“Mer, I love you, but I was having S-E-X, and-“
“Oh, God, sorry. I’m gonna- go. I thought you were- in pain.” She shook her head. “Continue… or, something.” She turned around and went down the stairs. I closed the door and turned around to Link, who was laughing.
“Being cockblocked by your own sister, that’s new. She didn’t do that when she was in a coma."
“You are awful.” I threw the pink cushion at him from my chair, and started putting my hair in a ponytail before getting dressed.

“I’m going to call Charlotte, can you watch Scout?” I asked Link. He was wearing his green hoodie, which was a size too small, but it meant I could see his buffed arms in it, so I didn’t really mind.
“Sure.” He said. “But we’re going to finish this later.” He whispered in my ear, and kissed my head before letting me leave. I was wearing my Grey-Sloan sweater we had gotten during the pandemic to keep us focussed and supposedly would help us regain control of the situation. It didn’t, but the sweater was comfy and soft. I had stolen Link’s too. I didn’t put effort into my hair other than the ponytail, as I was going to shower after the call. I needed to wash the sex smell off of me.

“Hey, I thought you were in surgery, you didn’t pick up.” Charlotte said. She sounded tired, worn-out.
“I was not in surgery, but I was” I thought about the best way to say this, but at the same time, it was Charlotte, she wouldn’t care, “I was busy having my guts railed out of me, sorry.”
“Good for you.” She said.
“So, how’ve you been?” I asked.
“The rugrats are crowding my house, and Cooper’s been taking extra shifts, but they’re fine. Mason came home with a girl last night, and I caught ‘em, had to have the whole talk with ‘em because Cooper wouldn’t, and now I’m the condom dispenser for my fifteen year old son. My cravings are getting worse, but I’m dealin’ with it. The girls are a nightmare, covering for each other. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with them when they hit puberty… How ‘bout you, chosen an ortho God yet?”
“You caught him, like, in the act?” I only remembered Mason as a sweet kid, a bit nerdy, just like Cooper. I couldn’t believe he was already fifteen.
“Pants down, bush out.”
“Oh no.” I laughed.
“Yeah, he’s going to think ‘bout it twice from now. He didn’t even introduce her to me, isn’t that weird?” She asked. I thought about it for a second.
“I don’t know… I never got introduced either, but hey, I was hooked on pills at that age, so I’m not sure I’m the best judge of character.” I joked.
“I was always introduced first. And I didn’t loose it until college. I get the teens are starting earlier, and all, but I’d rather he do it in the house and be honest ‘bout it than knock her up in some alley.” Charlotte groaned. I could hear her kicks her shoes off. Typical.
“You waited until college?” Damn, I thought. For the sex addiction Charlotte and Cooper had before their kids, that was kind of hard to believe.
“Yeah, boys were afraid of Big Daddy.” She sighed.
“Ah-ha, I see.” I said. “I just stole condoms from Derek, apparently I lost it before any of my sisters, my mom was not happy when she found out.”
“How old were ya?”
“Fourteen?” I said, “Maybe fifteen, I don’t really remember anymore. Except his name was Logan, and his mom was always working. Lasted about ten seconds, in the back of his car. The good stuff came later.”
“The ortho God’s a Sex God too?”
“Charlotte, if I could explain to you how good he is, I’d have to show you. He hits spots I didn’t even I know had. And he does this thing with his tongue, it’s amazing. Best sex of my life.” I said. I wasn’t lying. I had been with men who knew what they were doing, but Link was a whole other level. He re-invented sex for me. I didn’t even need kinks with him, he was that good.
“Sounds like you’ve made a choice.”

I sighed. If only It were that easy. Link was the best in bed, but I didn’t feel the same about him. He wanted marriage, I wanted freedom. He wanted more kids, I was already terrified just raising Scout.
“Amelia?”
“Sorry, no. I haven’t. But I can’t talk about that right now, I’m home, with everyone.”
“Next time you owe me some details.” She said.
“I’m not in town next week, I have a convention in Minnesota. Where I’ll be giving a presentation about Nicole Hermann again.”
“Impressive.” Charlotte said. “Isn’t that the woman you saved from an inoperable tumor, but blinded in the process?”
“Yeah…” I said. “But I can blame it on my own tumor, which must have been about the size of a grape at that time already, so not really my fault. But at least she’s still alive, and teaching neo-natal and fetal classes to other surgeons in New York.”
“True.” Charlotte said. “Talk to ya’ in two weeks, then. Take care.”
“Bye, Charlotte. Love to everyone at the practice!”
“You too.”

I stayed outside on the porch for a little. In my own thoughts. Meredith had this beautiful porch swing bench, that I had sat on so much last summer the pattern of the wood had burned into my thighs. It was chilly outside, but I didn’t want my jacket, or a blanket. I wanted to feel this cold breeze from outside, and not feel all the other feelings I had inside.
I thought about Link, and Myara. Link had proposed a threesome a while back, maybe he’d still be up for it… Nope, that’s cheating, I told myself. The feeling I had for Myara already felt like cheating, I couldn’t drag her into that too, and it wasn’t fair to Link.
Link had been amazing, he had been my rock. Especially during the pandemic. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have used. I would have. And I hate myself for the fact that I cannot for the life of me get Myara out of my head long enough to think about why I am with Link. In all honesty, I don’t even know why I am with him, except for Scout.
I sighed. I am not in love with Link anymore. And I haven’t been for a while. There is still love between us, and he has a part of my heart, but I’m no longer in love with him.

I opened my Spotify, and looked through my playlists. When I listened to music, I could have a conversation with myself and someone else. That might sound like something a crazy person might say, not to say I’m sane, but I guess I could explain it like a mild form of maladaptive daydreaming.
I would play out an entire fight, or a surgery, in the span of a song. I’d see everything I needed to do, everything that would happen. But in reality, when I would be performing that surgery, or have that fight, it would always end differently than I had imagined.
I searched my lists for a while before choosing a song. I needed something that fit the vibe of the conversation I needed to have with Link, to see if I could even do it.
When I heard the first note of Stick Around from ENVYYOU I knew I had found the song I needed to play this out. It was upbeat, and yet very emotional. I closed my eyes, and sank away in my thoughts.

I pictured us sitting across from each other at the dinner table. He would have a worried look on his face, and a cup of coffee in his hands. I would be picking at my food, playing with my necklace. Link would try to calm me down by reaching out for my hands, and I’d pull them away, which gave him a bad feeling.
He would ask me what’s wrong, and I’d start to cry. I’d tell him I needed space, air, to be my own person. And at first, he would be too confused too say anything, and then he’d get mad. Mad at me for wanting Scout to grow up with parents that wouldn’t be together, like he had growing up, mad at me for pretending we were alright up until this very moment, and mad at me for not loving him like he did me. He’d guilt trip me into thinking about Scout, and I would either cave or get mad. I decided to choose the mad scenario in this case, and play that out further.
I would yell at him, that he isn’t the only one in this relationship. I would yell that I wouldn’t want our kid to grow up with parents who didn’t love each other like lovers should, and that it would be better he has two great families instead of one mediocre one.
Link would ask me if there was someone else. If I had cheated, and if that was the reason we were having this conversation. He’d say that we could work through it, that we could do anything, together. I’d say no. I’d say that I could never give him what he wants, and deserves. He’d say maybe I would change my mind one day, about marriage.

I sighed. That is about as well as I could expect that conversation is going to go. I opened my eyes, and I got scared to death. Someone was standing right in front of me.
“Are you okay?”
“Meredith! You scared the hell out of me! You don’t sneak up on people like that, Jesus Christ.” I said. I took a deep breathe, and made space for her on the swing bench.
“If you can’t hear me getting closer, your headphones are too loud. I called for you four times. That’s what I tell the kids, at least. You don’t wanna be deaf at 50.” She said, sitting down. She handed me a cup of tea. I took a sip, and did my best to not spit it out. It was earl grey, but one that had been in my cup for at least ten minutes. It was strong. No, strong is an understatement. It could wake up the dead.
“No, I was thinking.” I sighed.
“About?”
I looked at Meredith. We didn’t talk much, especially not about our feelings, ever. We mostly talked about work, friends, parties, the kids… Not our thoughts and feeling. I stirred my tea, and looked at the cars driving by.
“Amelia?” She looked at me in a way I could not place. If it had ben anyone else I would have said she looked caring, interested, but I had never been able to read Meredith like I could others.
“Hm?”
“I’m giving you the opportunity to spill all your feelings here, and I don’t do that very often.” She joked. I smiled. “I mean, I could call Maggie out here if you rather talk to her, or Link-”
“No, don’t.” I said.
“Okay.” Meredith took a sip of her coffee. I could see she made a face. Maybe my tea wasn’t the worst. Maybe one of the kids had made it, probably Zola. “So, tell me. What are you brooding about?”

“I-“ I started, “I think Link and I are not working.” I said. Meredith shushed me, and looked through the window, as if she was looking for something. Then she nodded at me, to continue my story.
“Link’s in the study, you can talk.”
“Thank you.” I took a big sip from my tea, spilling some on my shirt, but I needed a drink, and this was the closest I would get to downing straight vodka.
“He proposed.”
“I know.” Meredith said.
“And then he revoked it. And I don’t want to get married, and I don’t want to have any more babies, and I don’t the life he loves. And I think he expects me to change in a few months, years maybe, but I just-“ I sighed, “I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“Well, are you going to break up with him?” She asked.
“I need to, right?” I asked her. “I mean, if I was a good person, I’d let him go, right?”
“That’s not for me to decide. If you think it’s bad for you, don’t compromise your life for someone else’s. You deserve to be just as happy as the other person in the relationship, and if that means you have to end it, that’s what it takes. Life’s messy, Amelia. But it’s also beautiful, but you can’t enjoy it if you’re spinning out.”
“But Scout-“ I started.
“Has two very loving parents, and two amazing aunties, and a whole village to take care of him. He is loved, Amelia.” She said. I sighed, she was right. But that din’t make it any easier. “And that won’t change because you and Link aren’t together anymore. It might make Christmas morning awkward, though.”
I smiled. “Thank you, Mer.”

Chapter Text

“Maggie, where did you put the peppers?” Meredith yelled. I was cutting the mushrooms, and Meredith had just finished the salad, except the peppers, which had apparently disappeared.
“Aren’t they in the drawer in the fridge?” Maggie asked.
“No.” Meredith said.
“Fruit bowl?” Link suggested.
“Why would they be in the fruit bowl?” I asked.
“Because things can get misplaced here very easily.” He said. I rolled my eyes. Men…
Meredith sighed. She was frustrated, it radiated off of her. I guess it was justified, as Maggie and I had promised to prepare everything and we didn’t. It was only ten in the morning, and Meredith and Link would be leaving for a shift in ten minutes, but we had so much left to do. Clean, prep the barbecue, steal Owen and Teddy’s barbecue from their yard, check if the pass tanks are full, prep the meat, prep the side dishes… Buy ice to keep the beer cold outside.
Luckily the kids were out, otherwise we would not get things done. Ellis had a playdate, Zola had a project and Bailey was playing somewhere in the neighborhood. 

Maggie had decide to put the dinner table outside, and create a self serve cue. It was pretty clever, and it would keep people from sitting next to the same person their entire meal like Christmas and Thanksgiving. I especially was thankful for that, I hated the same boring conversation over and over again.

“Does anyone know who are on call tonight? We need to keep the driveway free for them, and not block them in.” Maggie asked.
“I am.” I said. “And Richard, too. We volunteered, as we can’t drink, you know, being addicts and all…” I got a few concerning, and slightly annoyed looks. Tough crowd… I coughed. “I believe Teddy and Myara are also on call, but I’m not sure.” I added. I did know, because I had begged Teddy and Myara. Teddy wasn’t allowed to drink due to being on SSRI’s, and I needed Myara and Link to have as little alone time as possible. And I didn’t like big parties like these, anyway.
“Great, that means I can slip away with my best friend tequila if it’s necessary.” Meredith said. I rolled my eyes.

After Meredith and Link had left for their shift, Winston came home. He had been on call last night, and was going to sleep now until dinner. It was just Maggie, Scout and me, which was weird. And quiet. Very, very quiet.
“Have you talked to Link yet?” Maggie asked.
“Maggie-“ I sighed. I wish she would just leave it alone.
“Just to be sure I don’t mess up tonight. I’m not going to go down this road any further, I know you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Thank you.” I said.
We kept preparing in silence. Maggie was cutting up the steak, making sure all the fat was cut off. I did the same thing with the chicken and salmon. Normal people would do this with a steak knife, we did it with scalpels. We were operating on meat. One of the neat party tricks we surgeons got; cutting meat perfectly.
“Whoever can cut off the most perfect piece of fat gets to decide what goes on the barbecue first.” Maggie said. She wanted to race, but it was a race she’s loose.
“Bet.” I said.
“On the count of one. Three, two…”
“One!” I said. I started cutting my chicken. My scalpel got through it fairly easy, but so did Maggie’s. I sped up, and-
“Shit.” I said. I had cut my finger. I never cut quick, and never on a flat surface either. Blood was leaking from my finger, and it touched a piece of chicken. We would have to throw that out.
“Did you cut yourself?” Maggie laughed. “You’re a surgeon, who can’t handle a scalpel on a chicken.”
“Ha-ha. I am a neurosurgeon, a ten blade is not my specialty.” I groaned.
“Sit down, I’ll get the suture kit.” I heard her snicker some more while looking for the kit. I did as I was told, and sat down. I had wanted to suck on my finger, keep it from bleeding, but having touched raw chicken and all… I’m not going to risk salmonella.

“Winston asked me about kids yesterday.” Maggie blurted when she finally came back with the kit.
“He what?”
“I know, right? I get we’ve passed thirty, and all, and I guess we could try, but I’m not sure we should yet. We’ve been married for, what, five minutes? What if he turns out to be some kind of axe murderer and I didn’t know about it? And then suddenly, we have five children, and a basement full of body parts.” What? Is this woman okay? Is this how I sound to other people? I just looked at her, unsure how to respond. “See, you think it’s insane too.”
“I-No. I have a child from someone I hooked up with while at the same time hooking up with my ex-husband who got his best friend pregnant while cheating on me. I have zero place to judge. I wasn’t even sure who the dad was up until 32 weeks.” I said.
“Fair.” She said. “But it’s still too fast, right?”
“It’s only too fast if you think so. Your body, your choice. Even in marriage.” I said.
“I mean, we basically already have four kids. Why would we want any more, right now?”
“Maybe he wants his own blood? I don’t know, Maggie. I don’t know Winston that well.” I said. He and I had never really, actually talked. We talked, sure, but about surgery, or Maggie, or dinner. Not about whether or not he thought Maggie would want to be impregnated by him a few months after their marriage.
“Why do people say that, ‘their own blood.” She sighed. “I was adopted, and I turned out awesome! And so is Zola. Adopted kids are still your own kids, they’re not a replacement for not having to push a way too big life out of a very small cavity.” She said. I should have worded that differently.
“I didn’t mean that.” I said.
“I know, but still. I always thought I would adopt a kid, because there are already so many children that need a home, and a family, just like I did. And the horror stories of adopting…” Maggie said. “I just want to give a child the best life he or she could have. Whether I created them, or not. Every child should be loved unconditionally.”
“You’re a beautiful soul, you know that?” I said. Maggie’s words couldn’t be more true, and she had said it perfectly.
“I’m done.” Maggie said. I looked at my finger, with the stitches in it. It reminded me of how my body had looked right after the accident.

The first time I had been allowed to walk, to the bathroom, I stood in front of the mirror for about half an hour. I counted all my stitches, traced them. I could see the bruises of where my broken bones had pushed in my skin, trying to make their way out. I tried to push on my hips, to feel if I could trace the break. I couldn’t.
I had looked at my head after that. I could see where they had stitched me up, and this time, I could feel where they had cut open my skull. I could now feel two places on my head that had been open, cut out of my body, been kept in a basin, and had been replaced. If I wouldn’t have know better, I would have thought those places had once grown horns and they had sawed them off of me. I would have rather had that happen to me, actually.

“Amelia?” Maggie waved her hands in front of me. “Are you going to help me with retrieving Owen and Teddy’s barbecue, or are you going to cook that chicken with laser eyes?”
“I thought Owen would drop it off?” I asked.
“He just texted he and Teddy got pulled into surgery. There’s a spare key-“ She started.
“Inside the yellow bird house. Yes, I placed it.” I finished Maggie’s sentence.
We got up, and put the cut chicken and meat back into the coolers. It was starting to get a little warmer outside. I had been afraid it was too early in the year for an outside barbecue, but global warming had proved me wrong. Thank you, capitalism.
“Do you think we’ll have enough for everyone?” Maggie asked.
“Are you kidding?” She looked serious. “Not even the zoo feeds their carnivores this much meat. I’ll think we’ll be fine, and if not, there’s always pizza.”
“Right.” Maggie said, grabbing her green purse, “You’re right.”

Meredith had left her Subaru in the driveway for us. Maggie got in the drivers seat, and I sat besides her. I was tired already of this day, and it hadn’t even really started yet. Scout had been up all week during the night, and the only way he would be sleeping again was when I walked around with him. Link slept through the nights of course, leaving me to do most off it. I didn’t mind I was doing it, but I did mind he never even asked me if it was okay to sleep through the night, he just did.
“I hate this song.” Maggie sighed.
“What, why?” I asked. “It’s not bad. It’s Arctic Monkeys. How can you not like this song?” I asked. This was one of the first albums I had ever gotten. I got it from my first boyfriend, at fourteen. We listened to it for hours on end, over and over again.
“Because it is always played. I’ve heard it so much, I can tell you which version is radio edit and which is the original.” She sighed. “It’s just not my kind of music.”
“No, you and Meredith only listen to music that’s about as old as time.” I said.
“Excuse me, I am younger than you!” She looked at me, low-key pissed I had called her old.
“Yeah, well, obviously I got the better music taste in this family.” I said. I turned the volume ups which only let to Maggie turning it down. I laughed, and turned it up again. Maggie tried to say something, but I only made I-can’t-hear-you-signs at her, and she gave up eventually. When the song was over, I turned it down again.
“I hate you.” Maggie said.
“You love me. And my music.” I joked.

When we got to Owen and Teddy’s place, I grabbed the spare key from the bird house. He hadn’t even bothered to place it somewhere else. If I had been the crazy ex, I could have broken in if I had wanted, maybe even steal my favorite vase. He put a lot of faith into my sanity.
“The keys for the shed are in the kitchen, in a white pot.” I said. I looked around for a second. Even though he was now with Teddy, he hadn’t changed a single thing about the house. It was still dark, and even the blankets on the couch were the same. I could see something that resembled flowers, but they were dead. Very, very dead. Even that hadn’t changed, Owen not being able to keep plants alive and then not throwing them out when they met their inevitable demise.
“I got them!” Maggie yelled. She held a few keys up, all tagged. I had tagged them when I had moved in, because Owen just threw every key in the pot and called it a day. The blue one was the shed.
“Blue’s the shed.” I said. She put the others back where she had found them.

The shed had changed. It was now painted red, with blue and white details. Very American, which I guess, was something they liked, serving the army, and all.
I opened the shed, and I immediately saw this was Teddy’s work. It was clean, it was organized, and it was spacious. Owen and I had just thrown the barbecue, lawnmower and other things into the shed, never to be seen or used again.
We had put the barbecue into Meredith’s car. It had been a struggle, and in the end we had opted to disassemble parts of it to make it fit, but it fit. We put the keys back where they belonged, and went back home.

Once we were home and reassembled the barbecue, Maggie put together the last things for the dinner, and I went to take a shower. I was supposed to shower yesterday, after Link and me had been interrupted, but I had forgotten. I could smell myself, and I didn’t stink per say, but I did smell. Something about washing my pheromones off of me seemed like a good idea.
We all had a basket under Meredith’s sink with our shower stuff. Meredith’s was black, Maggie and Winstons’s was blue, and Link and mine’s was purple. I forgot to buy new shampoo, and stole Meredith’s. It was lavender. I hated lavender. I don’t know why, but I had always hated the smell of lavender.

I roasted myself under the boiling water. Link had stopped showing with me after the first few times, because I showered so hot he had actually been on the verge of overheating once. Meals need to cook, is what Charlotte would have said.
I washed my hair, and rinsed it. I thought about how and when to talk to Link. We needed to have this conversation soon, it wasn’t fair to him to pretend I was still in love.
“Jesus Christ!” I yelped. I stepped out of the shower. “Maggie! Water!” I yelled.
“Sorry! Just a minute!”
This was the worst about showering hot; if someone turned on the faucet downstairs, you’d get sprayed with icy cold water. Due to the difference in heat, it felt painful. It was a simple neurological response, I knew that, but it still took my be surprise.
I put my hand under the water every few seconds, to see if the water was back to skin crawling hot. When it was, I got back under it and washed my hair again. I had read somewhere you should wash your hair twice; first to get the grease out, secondly to let the shampoo have it’s full effect. Conditioner after, and rinse with coldish water. I didn’t rinse cold, but other than that, I did.
I shaved my legs while I let my conditioner set for a few minutes, and washed my face and body. It had become warm enough to have dinner in a dress, and I had decided I was going to wear my green, mid long dress, hair half up and gold jewelry. Maybe even heels…

Chapter Text

“Come on in!” I said. Owen and Teddy were the first to show up.
“Are we early?” Teddy asked, looking around the empty house. She was wearing a dark blue dress with white polka dots, hair in a braid, and her long, beige coat. She looked like she came straight out of one of those mothering magazines, but in a good way. She carried Allison in her arms, while Owen sent Leo inside. Leo was wearing a dress, too. It was cute, and I loved Owen and Teddy for letting him wear whatever he wanted. I knew his mom had said something about it, that him wearing dresses would give off the wrong idea, but Owen didn’t budge. Teddy had told me he had actually told his mother to either get used to it, or to not get to babysit anymore.
“No, you’re right on time. Actually, Owen, Winston is having some trouble with your barbecue, he’s in the back yard, could you-“ I asked.
“Of course.” He said. He hung his coat in the room besides the door, and walked to the back of the house. I reached for Allison, and Teddy handed her over. She put her coat away, too.
“You want something to drink?” I asked.
“Sprite, please.” She said. I handed Allison back to her.
We walked to the kitchen, and I grabbed the bottle. I poured it into a paper cup. We had decided we were not going to use glasses tonight, as that would mean one us would have to do dishes for 50 people. It was paper plates, cups and bamboo cutlery.
Teddy sat down. She looked tired.

“Teddy?” I asked. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, it’s Leo.” She said. “I love him, I do, but I’m just worried the world won’t be so kind to him when he finds out other boys don’t wear costume dresses. And Owen’s mom is really offended by it, too.” She sighed.
“They’re kids. They’re just clothes. Who cares what he wears, as long as it’s comfortable to him.” I said.
“I know that, and Owen knows that,” She started, “But I’m not sure the rest of the world does. And what if it’s not just clothes?” She looked at me with concern outlining her words.
“What do you mean?” I asked. I didn’t understand where she was going with this. Leo had always been very curious about things, and when he liked things, he loved them, and when he didn’t, he hated them.
“What if it’s a feeling he is chasing? Maybe he doesn’t feel like a boy.” She whispered.
“It could mean a lot of things, Teddy. He’s four, he’ll figure it out once he’s older and can understand his feelings. And if he does happen to be a girl, he’ll know he has parents who support him no matter what. That’s all a parent can do; support their kids.” I said.
“I know…” Teddy said.

I thought about it for a second. Maybe Teddy was right. Personally, I liked to think I am very open about things such as sexuality and gender. I’ve always know I wasn’t just into men, maybe Leo wasn’t just a boy, or maybe he wasn’t even a boy. I just hoped he would be strong and comfortable enough to come out when he figures it out for himself when he’s older.
I also knew, though, that a lot of his behavior could mean he’s autistic. I had done a very extensive research paper about autism when I was in med school, back when it was still wrongly dived into sub categories of autism based on only male studies. Leo had shown a lot of signs when I still lived with him, and Betty and Owen. But he wouldn’t be able to get a diagnoses until it would actually start to be problem. Thank you, health care.
I was just about to ask Teddy if she had noticed the signs too-

“I guess I should stick to valve replacements.” Winston said. He and Owen came inside.
“Maybe that’s for the better.” Owen said.
“First rule of electric devices; check if it’s plugged in. I should’ve know better.” Winston mocked himself, shaking his head.
“Don’t sweat it.” Owen said.
Owen sat down besides Teddy, lifting Allison from her arms. I looked at Winston, who was standing awkwardly behind the stove.
“Sit down, I’ll grab some beers.” I said. I patted my chair, and Winston gave me a nod. I understood how hard it could be to be the new person trying to fit into this family of surgeons. I opened one of the coolers on the floor, and grabbed two beers. They were ice cold, even though we had only put them in a few hours ago. I heard some noises upstairs, which meant Maggie was about done, too.
“Thank you.” They said. 

I heard the door open.
“Amelia?” Meredith yelled.
“Yeah?” I walked over to the door. Meredith held up one of her heels, or rather, what was left off it. I wanted to ask what happened, but Link gave me a look that told me I shouldn’t do that. Her hair was tied up as something resembling a bun, and there was a tear in her white blouse. Link shook his head no, and I stepped aside.
“Can I borrow a pair of yours?” Meredith asked.
“Sure, they’re in my closet, in a big, white box. The black ones you like, with the thick ankle strap and zipper.”
“Thank you.” She went upstairs.
“What happened?” I asked Link.
“She got run over by an intern and a gurney when we got there this morning. It tipped, and the patient rolled off, breaking his arm. The patient filed a complaint, and is threatening to sue.” He said.
“Yikes, that sucks.” I said. Link wanted to head to the dining table, but I stopped him.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Grabbing a beer with our friends?” He questioned.
“No.” I said.
“No?” He asked.
“You smell.” I said, sniffing him. “Go take a shower. And I put clothes out for you, they’re on the bed. And bring Scout with you when you come down stairs.”
I heard him sigh, but he did it anyway.
“Thank you!” I yelled after him.
“I thought I had moved out of my parents’ house twenty years ago.” I heard him mumble.
“I heard that, Atticus Lincoln!” I yelled after him.

I went back inside, but before I made it, I heard the bell again. I should probably just leave the door open, with a sign to just walk in, because otherwise, I’d be stuck on door duty for the next few hours.
“Come in!” I said. Richard, Bailey, Ben, Tuck and Joey stepped inside.
“Thank you for having us.” Richard handed me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. There were lilies, spikenards, chrysanthemums and marigolds. It smelled amazing, and there were a lot of colors. It was perfect.
“It’s beautiful! Thank you, all.” I put a shoe on the side of the door to keep it open, and signaled to the coat room. “Just put everything in here. We’re not going to ask you all night what you want to drink, so you can just grab whatever. Beer’s in the coolers, soda in the fridge. If you want something else, just ask.” I said. I walked to the kitchen, with the flowers. They were heavy and much bigger than my head.
“Auntie Amelia turned into a flowers!” I heard Ellis say. I could hear Teddy laugh.
I didn’t know they were home yet, but I saw Bailey running around, too. I looked for Zola, but she was nowhere to be found. I guessed she still was working on her project with her friend.
“Want some help with those?” Teddy asked.
“Yes, please.”
We started unwrapping the flowers of their paper prison, and starting cutting the stems. Meredith had a purple vase somewhere, but I didn’t know where. I looked everywhere, until I noticed it sitting on the side table. With dying flowers. Perfect.
I put the dying flowers in another vase, and Teddy started to put the cut flowers Richard had given us into the purple vase. There was a whole rainbow moment going on, and somehow it still fit the house. 

“Wow!” I heard Maggie say, “Those are beautiful! Who brought them in?” She glared over the guests, and Richard smiled.
“Just a small thank you for having us.” He said.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have! We’re happy you’re all here.” I looked at Maggie, who was wearing a maroon ruffle blouse and black, high waisted pants. She looked like a lawyer, but a very fancy one. Her hair in a clip, her golden necklace as a center piece tying her look together. She was wearing flats, which I didn’t expect, but it fit the look.
Winston got up, and kissed her. “Good morning, to you, too.” She said.

I could see Ben and Bailey’s boys were not sure where to go, and showed them the study. Maggie and I had turned it into a small lounge, and had put the TV, switch and Wii in the room. We had locked the files in one of the cabinets, and had put the desks all in a corner. This way there was room to sit, and play.
Ellis would probably color somewhere, and Bailey would challenge Joey and Tuck to some sort of online battle. This way, they were close, but not being crowded by adults with whom they had no other conversation than what college they were going to apply too, or their grades. And it would also mean they didn’t accidentally shoot a football into on of the barbecue’s, I could see that happening.
“If you guys need anything, there’s a mini fridge in the hall with soda, and the food is outside.” I said. “Chips and candy’s in the kitchen. Just pull on one of the doors, and you’ll find it somewhere.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Shepherd.” Joey said.
“Yeah, thank you. You didn’t need to do this, for us, you know?” Tuck said.
“Please, as if you wanna have the same conversation about grades all day with friends of your parents.” I joked. Tuck and Joey laughed.
“Yeah, that’s true.” Tuck said.
“No worries, I was a teenager once.” I smiled. Tuck gave Joey a look. This was my cue to leave, I think “I’m sure you can figure out how it all works, I couldn’t, but good luck.” I signaled to the elektra.
“Thank you.” Tuck said. I walked back to the kitchen, and bumped into Miranda.

“Did you move all that stuff just so they could play some video games?” She asked.
“Of course.” I said. “They’re teenagers, they don’t want to hang out with their parents weird friends."
“You’re spoiling them, Shepherd. They’re spoiled.” She sighed. I tried not to laugh, but I failed miserably. This time, Chief Bailey wouldn’t get the last word. My house- Meredith’s house, our rules? Or… something.
“Yeah, well…” I said. Miranda turned around to Ben.
“They made a whole game room for the boys. For one night.” She hissed.
“Sweet!” Ben said.
“No,” Miranda said, “Not sweet. They’re spoiled, Ben. Spoiled, little-“
“Miranda, they didn’t even wanna come, let them have their games.” He said. “Maybe I’ll join them if you’re gonna keep this up.” He mumbled. She hit him with her purse.
Miranda was wearing a violet dress, with white accents. It had an A-line, and her purse matched the pattern on it. Her hair was down, and pinned behind her ears with silver clips.
Ben was matching her, wearing a dark blue button-up, with a violet cuff and pocket square.

Bailey zoomed past me, up the stairs. Ellis and Zola followed him. They ran into Meredith half way, and she went back up stairs, probably to help dress them. Zola had picked this really, cute, dark blue sparkle dress to wear, and Bailey had a nice, light blue button up. Ellis had chosen a pony dress, no matter how many times Meredith had said she could pick something else. Maybe she had hoped she’d pick something else, but Ellis was stubborn.
My brother and Meredith were both stubborn, and Ellis apparently inherited their stubbornness times four.

“You looked good, Mer.” I said. She twirled in her blue dress, it had been the same as she had worn to Alex’s and Jo’s wedding. The color was gorgeous on her. “Someone special coming tonight?” I asked. She blushed, no matter how hard she tried not to.
“A woman can’t just look good for herself?” She said, with a slight shiver of lying in her voice that betrayed her true intentions.
“Yes, absolutely, but don’t think I didn’t notice you and Hayes outside my ICU months ago, and the suspicious, late nights…” I said.
“You saw us?” Meredith asked.
“‘Course I did. I know everything.” I whispered.
“Oh, please.” Meredith said, waving her hand. I smiled. “Come here.” She said. I looked at her, confused.
“Come here, what?” I asked.
“Give me a hug, before I change my mind.” I gave her a hug. This wasn’t something we did often, hugging. Maggie and I, we hugged all the time, but Meredith and me? Almost never. And it wasn’t a quick hug either, it was a good, genuine hug, where I could smell her very hated lavender shampoo. “Look at us, being all healthy, and huggy and… happy.” She said, before bursting out laughing.
“You did not just say that.” I laughed.
“I know, let’s pretend I didn’t.” She said.

We walked into the kitchen, surprised to see it was empty. Everyone had already moved outside. Meredith grabbed a cup of coffee, and offered me one, but I declined. I stood in the doorway, watching the play unravel in front of me. Ben, Owen, Winston and Link were busy stoking the barbecues, and Bailey and Teddy were busy with the kids. Allison was fast asleep, and Bailey was giving Scout his bottle. I sighed. Everyone looked so peaceful, so in their element. I was a part of this family. Derek had once been a part of this family.
Zola was teaching Maggie some new, funky moves, and Meredith was taking pictures. Thirty second dance party.
“Come on, Mer.” I grabbed Merediths arm, and dragged her out to Zola’s make-believe dance floor, too. We danced it out for far more then 30 seconds, but Zola had a lot of moves to teach us.
Richard had abandoned his barbecue duties with the men, and grabbed Maggie to dance with him. I smiled, I hadn’t felt this good in months. This was going to be a good day, no, a perfect day. 

Chapter Text

One by one the people of Grey-Sloan had started to come in. It had been a while after Jo had come in before someone else had shown up, though.
When Niko arrived, he arrived with Levi.
“Niko, this is an attendings party! Why did you bring the pre-schooler?” Jo joked.
“Technically, I am two years higher in my residency than you are. Which makes me your boss.” He said. Jo scoffed, but hugged him. Niko looked uncomfortable, he didn’t really have friends here. He had his mentor, sure, and Levi, but friends? Not really.
“Niko!” Link yelled. Link had already had a few more beers than he had originally planned, but he wasn’t on call, so who cared, right? Except, Amelia did. Ever since the incident of Amelia finding out he would drink, alone, in the garage, to escape her, and his responsibilities, she had been watching him. She wasn’t sure what for, or maybe she was, but she was sure to either have Teddy, or herself, have her baby.

There was a clear rift between the men and women tonight, except for Richard and Levi.
The women enjoyed their drinks, conversation and the kids, and the men kept busy attaining the barbecue and it’s meat. Every once in a while, one of them would come over with a platter of meat, or chicken, and hand it to the women scattered around the table outside, and the kids mostly inside. Bailey had challenged Miranda and Ben’s kids to a Mario Kart race. Zola was busy completing her project, even though it wouldn’t have to be finished for another month, and Ellis was drawing.
Teddy and Amelia sat on the left end, with Maggie and Meredith besides them. Bailey sat besides Maggie, and Jo besides Meredith. Levi besides Jo, and Richard besides Bailey. Everyone was busy having their respective conversations.

“Evening, everybody.” Hayes set foot inside, followed by his children. Amelia looked at Meredith, and caught her immediately smiling. She raised her eyebrows at her sister, who had seen her, but chose to ignore it.
“I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to come in. Your front door has been left open.” Cormac said.
“Yeah, otherwise we’re going to have to get up every few minutes for everyone who rings the door.” Meredith said. She hugged him, but he didn’t necessarily hugged her back. He whispered something in her ear, and Meredith nodded.
“Liam, Austin, Meredith has been so kind to create a game room for you, with Tuck and Joey.” Cormac said. “It’s in the study, immediately left inside."
“Thank you, Mrs. Grey.” Liam said. Austin gave her a look, but nothing more.
“Please, call me Meredith.” Liam smiled, and Austin rolled his eyes. Cormac gave him a warning look, but the boys went to look for the room.

Before everyone had settled down, last of the visitors came in. Myara, Carina and Maya, and Andy. They had driven here together, and apparently Andy and Myara were good friends, a surprise to many.
Carina and Maya both were on call, and so were Myara and Andy. Firefighters and doctors are never really, truly off of work. None of them minded this, though. Everyone understood their job description, and oath. They all saved lives because of it.

Meredith grabbed a glass of sauce, and started softly ticking her knife against it. It didn’t make a nice sound, like a wineglass would have made, but it did the job. Conversations died down, and the guests looked at her. Cormac even winked.
“I’m sure everyone’s already settled in, or will soon,” She looked at Cormac, “but I wanted to thank everyone for coming. We’ve had an incredible hard year and a half, pandemics, losses, sickness… We’ve all had a very rough time. And that’s why, tonight, Maggie and Amelia prepared this barbecue for us. Thank you.” She said. Amelia smiled, and nodded to her sister, and Maggie squealed.
“Thank you, Meredith.” She said. “The beer’s in the coolers, our lovely husbands have taken it upon themselves to manage the meat, and for everyone on call; make sure you eat something before you’re called in.” Maggie clapped once, as a sign she was done, and the crowd got the hint. A few people got up, and the dinner table got rearranged.
Winston followed Maggie inside.

“Your lovely husband thanks you for prepping everything else.” He kissed her cheek. “It’s delicious. Especially the salad.”
“Amelia made the salad.” She said.
“Well-“ Winston started, “I’m sure whatever you did prepare, is delicious, too.” 
Maggie turned around, and placed her hands on his cheeks. “Suck up.” She said, before kissing him.
“Ew!” Ellis yelled. Maggie tried not to laugh at the reaction of her niece, but she failed, and so did Winston.
“I have to agree with Ellis here,” Richard said, opening the fridge, “Ew.”
“Sir.” Winston nodded.
“Winston.” Richard said.
Maggie had tried to ignore the tension ever since the engagement, but it wasn’t doable at this point.

Ben had brought the kids some meat, too. He had prepared it for the youngest, like Ellis and Bailey, and had just thrown a lot of things on Joey and Tuck’s plates. He had asked Austin and Liam what they wanted, but when only Liam answered, he decided to just give Austin the same.
Austin sat on the side of the gameplay from the other boys. He had noticed how his father had looked at Meredith, and he wasn’t sure about it, but he could’ve sworn he had looked at her like he had looked at their mother. He questioned if his father was replacing her with another woman, who had even more kids, and if he and is brother would be replaced by them, too.

Meanwhile, conversation outside started to get a drunken element to it. Jo, who had been downing tequila’s with Meredith, was ranting on and on about how she had finally found the perfect babysitter.
“No, you don’t understand. I work crazy hours, and she is always there. Always, even at three in the morning and I have a surprise labour with Carina.” Jo said.
“Yeah, I know. I gave you the list, Jo.”
“I know! Thank you, again!”
“No problem. We al need a big village, with all the people we’ve lost these past few years. First, Cristina, then Callie, Arizona and April, and even Alex and Jackson left.” Meredith said. “I still can’t believe that they left.”
“At least your husband didn’t end his marriage through a letter.” Jo said.
“No, mine took the liberty to just, die. Way better.” Meredith joked.
“You win this one.” Jo handed Meredith the last of the bottle.
“Yeah, I do.” Meredith said, slamming the last shot.

Myara had observed the way Jo and Meredith had talked about tragedies. She was very confused, but apparently it was a running theme at Grey-Sloan to joke about these things.
“You’ll get used to it, eventually.” Amelia had said, handing her a coke.
“Maybe.” Myara said.
“So, you’re on call, right?” Amelia asked, looking at Link, “Because no matter how good Link is, he is not getting near a patient in this state.”
“I pawned it off on Niko.” Myara said.
“Myara! No!” She looked at Teddy, “We made a pact, shook chocolate chip cookies on it!” Amelia said.
“Trust me, when Owen’s alcohol is going to kick in, you do not want to stay here.” Teddy said. “He’s a messy drunk.”
“I was kidding, guys.” Myara said, laughing. “But now I’m curious.”
Amelia had tried not to lock too much at Myara, but when she had stepped in with her satin green dress, almost identical to Amelia’s, she had to look. She noticed Myara was wearing flats, had her hair down in beach waves, which were probably a result of the braids she always wore during work, and chunky, crystal jewelry. There was also a tiny, golden four leave clover around her neck. Amelia had seen it before, the day of the coffee cart.

“I have to ask,” Teddy started, “Your jewelry, what is it?”
“You don’t like it?” Myara asked.
“No! I like it, I’m just wondering what it is.” Teddy had asked the question Amelia was too afraid to ask. She had prompted to make small talk with Myara, not have her sit in a small trouple.
“My necklace is moss agate, my bracelet is too, and my rings are hematite.”
“I have no idea what that means.” Teddy said, looking at me.
“Don’t look at me, me neither.” Amelia said.
“Okay, I might have to explain something first before I get into the meaning of them.”
“Please, do.” Amelia said. Teddy nodded yes, too.
Myara sighed. She hadn’t really told anyone in a long time how she thought about life, and energy. And now she would be talking to her crush and her friend about it, which made her kind of uneasy.

“Okay, so, I don’t know what you know about new age spirituality-“ Myara asked.
“Absolutely nothing.” Teddy said.
“Well, that makes it easy.” Myara said, taking off her necklace. “This is a crystal.”
“One of those minerals, right?” Amelia asked. “From caves, and mines."
“Yeah,” Myara smiled, happy Amelia knew something about it, “And a lot of people have given these kind of stones special meaning. For example, this is supposed to calm your emotional state.” Myara said.
“Oh, I definitely need that.” Teddy said. “And so does Amelia.”
“What, why?” Amelia asked. “Am I that unhinged?”
Teddy choked on her drink, trying to ignore Amelia.
“Do you believe in that kind of stuff?” Amelia asked. She was worried about religion. She had that barrier with James, once, and it ended up not working out because of it. She noticed herself suddenly less interested in Myara.
“No, I don’t.” Myara said. “I don’t believe one rock has one property, and another a total different one. But, I do believe they hold energy.” Myara said. Teddy and Amelia gave each other a quick look.
“Energy?” Amelia asked.
“Yeah, like, everything has energy, right?” Myara said. “Your fridge needs energy, we need energy, plants need energy. Everything in the universe is energy, and energy can not be created or destroyed. So, my rocks, I believe they hold energy.”
“Right. Yeah.” Teddy said. “Excuse me, I’m gonna go- over, there.” Teddy got up and left with Allison. She started talking with Carina and Andy.

“Great, she thinks I’m mental.” Myara said. She sighed, and wiped her hand on her forehead. Amelia noticed the disappointment in her eyes, and felt guilty.
“She does not.” Amelia said, “She just- Yeah, no, she does.”
“Do you?” Myara asked. Amelia was in dangerous territory, she knew she should say yes, and that that would probably mean the end of the flirtation that had been going on for weeks, and she wouldn’t have to talk to Link, and would live happily ever after.
But she didn’t. Myara’s green eyes kept her from saying she didn’t.
“I don’t know.” Amelia said. “I don’t believe there’s some higher power controlling us, and our decisions, but I also like to believe we don’t go into nothingness after death. I didn’t, at least.” She said.
“What do you mean?” Myara asked.
“That’s a story for another time.” Amelia said. They sat in an awkward silence for a while. Amelia tried to eyeball Teddy, Andy and Maya to the table, but Teddy missed her hints.

Meredith and Cormac had been sitting together on the bench, eating off one plate, laughing and making eyes at each other. No one had said anything, but it was very clear to everyone they were together. Only people who liked each other like they did shared a plate of steak together.
“Dad?” Austin asked. Cormac shot up, and Meredith backed off.
“Hey, buddy.”
“Are you dating her?” He asked. Cormac and Meredith shared a look. They had wanted to tell the kids later, but they were at a crossroads now. They could lie, break their kids trust, or be honest.
“Yes, yea, we’re dating, son.” Cormac said. Meredith kept to herself, awkwardly. Amelia had noticed something going on, and had excused herself from Myara. Maggie and Winston also had seen something, but stayed were they were.
“So you’re just gonna replace mom?” Austin said. “And her kids are gonna replace Liam and me, right?” He angrily asked. There were angry tears coming from the corners of his eyes.
“I’m not trying to replace your mother, Austin.” Meredith said.
“I’m talking to my dad, lady.”
“Austin! That’s enough,” Cormac said. “I get you are upset, you’re allowed to be, but you are not going to be rude to Meredith. Apologize, now.”
“No! You are trying to replace your family with hers! I hate you!” He yelled.
The others had now noticed what was going on, and were looking. They didn’t want to, but they did. Like a car crash, or a dog who jumped into a muddy body of water and splashed the rich family in mud. Amelia and Maggie were vigilant of the situation, and what to do, and Meredith got up.
“I’ll be inside, if you want to talk.” She said to Cormac.
“No, we won’t. We’re leaving, or I’m not going home anymore.” Austin said.
“I don’t take ultimatums, Austin.”
“Fine.” Austin turned around, and walked through the door. He passed Liam, and Zola, who had heard the conversation, too. Cormac sighed, and followed his son, together with his brother.

“Mommy?” Zola asked Meredith. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, ZoZo, I’m fine.” Meredith said, blinking her eyes towards her kitchen light to not cry. Zola gave her mom a hug, and Meredith hugged her back. She was lucky to not have her kids hit puberty yet.
Cormac came back inside.
“I have to take them home.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, Grey.”
“Don’t be, your kids are number one, just like mine. I get it.” Meredith said. He nodded.
“I’m going to talk with him. He had no right to be that rude to you.”
“It’s fine, Cormac.”
“It’s not.” He said, “But thank you, for understanding. Good night, Grey.”
“Bye.” Meredith said.

Maggie had signaled to the guests to not make a big deal about it when Meredith returned, while Amelia went inside to look for her sister.
She found her in her room, trying to get out of her dress.
“Here, let me help.” Amelia said.
“I’m fine,” Meredith said, but her voice betrayed her, “Just, go.”
“Meredith.”
“Go, Amelia!” Meredith turned around, only half her dress still on. “I don’t want you here right now. So please, get out of my room!”
Amelia was taken by surprise for a second, she thought they had moved past these kind of things, these kind of arguments for each other to just get out of their assigned territory in the house.
“I’m going to ignore your yelling, because I know better, and I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”
“I won’t.” Meredith said. Amelia sighed, but left. She knew better as to try and talk to Meredith about this now.

When she closed the door, she saw someone sitting on the stairs, waiting for her.
“How much of that did you hear?” Amelia asked, sitting down besides her.
“Enough to ask if you need something?” Myara said.
“I’m used to it.” Amelia shrugged. The two women looked at each other, and Amelia felt at home in Mara’s eyes. Something about them made her feel safe, secure.
“That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.” Myara said. Amelia stayed quiet, and looked downstairs. She could be honest with Myara, tell her how much she hated Meredith when she acted like this, but she didn’t want to. She was okay, right here, sitting at the top of the stairs with Myara.
Amelia sighed. “No, it doesn’t. But Meredith is one of the best sisters I’ve ever had, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. Even when she’s like this, she’s ten times the sister I had growing up.”
Myara looked at Amelia, trying to guess what was going on inside her head.
“You’ve got a sister?” She asked.
“Three of them, actually.” Amelia said.
“Jesus, three sisters…” Myara said. “I can’t imagine having two, I had a hard time just with one."
“I had a brother, too.” Amelia said, “He kept the peace between us all, kept the vultures off of me during family occasions, took care of us.”
“Had?”
“What?” Amelia asked.
“You said you had a brother.” Myara said, “What did you mean by that?”
“He died.” Amelia said.
“Oh.” Myara said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too.” Amelia said.

Outside, the barbecue kept going. Maggie did the best she could not to make it weird, but everyone noticed three people weren’t there, except the ones who were already too out of it, like Link and Owen.
Teddy hated it when Owen drank. He wasn’t a mean drunk, or anything, but his PTSD would free roam in his head. He’d get whiny, and sad. Like a six year old when his favorite stuffy had been mutilated by the washing machine.
Link, on the other hand, had the time of his life. Jamming on his guitar, singing with Jo and Richard. He didn’t even notice Amelia was gone. He probably hadn’t even noticed the falling out between Meredith, Cormac and his son.

“He was Meredith’s husband.” Amelia said. “That’s why she and I will always be family.”
“I’m sorry?” Myara said. She didn’t follow Amelia.
“My brother, Derek, he was Meredith’s husband.” Amelia explained. “That’s why she is my sister, but we’ve stayed family, because we are one. Even on our worst days, we love each other. We’ll never say it, but we do.”
“Derek?” Myara asked. “As in Derek Shepherd?” She started to connect the dots between her old mentor, and Grey-Sloan. It felt like a well of information had been granted to her, and she was the only one who was allowed this knowledge.
“Yeah.”
“As in nerve regaining research with Callie Torres for prosthetics, working for the president Derek Shepherd?” Myara asked.
“Yep.” Amelia sighed. “That’s him, the superstar of the family, even from the grave.”
“No, no you don’t understand.” Myara said. She put away her drink, and turned to Amelia, with the most excited face Amelia had ever seen, apart from her own. “Callie gave me their research. Said it was only right I’d continue this with Dr. Shepherd. I just assumed Derek was like, out of town, or on president business. I didn’t know he was deceased."
“And?”
“And? This means she wants us to continue it, Amelia!”
Amelia looked at Myara. She had already planned to ask her if they should continue the research, but she wasn’t aware Callie had granted Myara the research.
“I guess?” Amelia said. “I don’t know, Myara. I-I just got back to working full-time, balancing a child, family… I don’t know if I have the time.” Lies. Amelia damn well knew she had the time, as she had gotten three days off per week since Scout.
“Make time! We should do this, Amelia! We should.”
“I don’t know.”
“Just think about it.” Myara said. Amelia had wanted to say something, but she saw Teddy appear.

“It’s the hospital, we’re being paged.” She said. She tore off her dress, and was standing in her shirt and leggings. “We should go.”
Amelia got up, but before redressing herself, she turned to Myara.
“Do you have a change of clothes with you?”
“Yeah,” She said, “If you could just point out your bathroom?” Amelia thought about saying she could just redress in her room, but the thought of having Myara in less clothes in her bedroom, was enough to set her straight, and point out the bathroom to her friend. Friend. Myara is just a friend, she thought.
“To your left.” Amelia coughed.
“Thanks.”

Amelia felt Teddy’s eyes burning on her skin from downstairs.
“What was that?” Teddy asked, climbing the stairs.
“Nothing.” Amelia said. “It’s nothing. She just came to see if me or Meredith needed anything, that’s all.”
“Yeah, I bet she came to see what Meredith or you needed…” Teddy said, suggestively.
“Stop it.” Amelia sighed, feeling her cheeks fill with blood. “There’s nothing to tell.”
Teddy knew damn well Amelia was lying to her at this very moment, but she allowed it. Amelia would tell her when she was ready. That was their kind of friendship; the one where they would talk if they were ready. No pushing, no questions. Usually, then. Teddy’s curiosity almost surpassed her to ask all the questions that were burning inside of her, dying to be let out.

Myara stepped out of the bathroom, dressed in joggers and a simple white-blue striped shirt. Like a female where is Waldo.
“If someone else could drive?” She asked. “I need to put braids in my hair. I hate operating without braids.”
“I’ll drive.” Teddy said.
“What do the kids say these day?” The women looked down stairs, seeing Richard. “Shotgun?” Damn it, Amelia thought. She’d be stuck with Myara in the backseat. 

Chapter Text

I panicked internally. It had seemed like a great idea initially to have Myara be on call too, but now? Now, I am stuck in Teddy’s Range Rover, in the back, with Myara. Her perfume was still noticeable, even after sitting in the smokey damps coming from the barbecues. Damn it….

I tried ignoring her hair brushing against my arm every now and then, while she was braiding it, but I couldn’t. It sent electric shocks down my spine. I inhaled, and I exhaled. Again. And again. But I couldn’t calm myself down. I saw Teddy look at me from the mirror. She was gloating, but I just looked away.
I hoped Meredith was alright. These were the moments she would usually have Alex, or I guess back in the day Christina, just exist near her, bury her in tequila. Maybe Maggie was checking up on her. I hoped Maggie was checking on her. Meredith liked to call this going dark and twisty, but she also knew if she’d be the one behaving like this, she’d be sent to rehab real quick. Maybe therapy hadn’t fixed Meredith the way she had said it did.

“Do we have a status update on the page yet?” Myara asked.
“Just that it’s a kid from Hilton High,” Richard said, “and that’s she’s in bad shape.” Tilton High, that was Betty’s school. Fancy one, never any major bad news articles, or misconduct. Owen and I had chosen this school specifically. It wasn’t a private school, so the snobs who’d do cocaine in the bathrooms wouldn’t be around Betty, but it was still good enough to have an average 3.8 GPA and have honor classes. They also had affiliations with UCLA’s sports teams. I had hoped Betty would pick up track again, maybe run herself to a scholarship. I had seen photo’s of her on FaceBook, and Instagram. But I wondered if she was still doing good, if she wanted to see Leo.
I had gotten a second chance with Lysanne, make sure she would end up in college. I hoped at least. She was so smart, bright. Funny even. I saw a lot of myself in her, and I wondered, no hoped, she would see me as an example of how to turn your life around.

We arrived at Grey-Sloan, and jumped out of the car. Helmouth was already standing outside in PPV.
“Sixteen year old, female, cheerleader. She’s a flyer, and-“
“Flyer?” Richard asked.
“Yeah, the one on top of a cheerleading pyramid, the one they toss into the air and catch.” Myara said. The way she said it, I wondered if she had done cheerleading. She didn’t sound condescending, almost proud. I made a mental note to ask her if she had been a cheerleader.
“I never understood that sport.” Richard sighed. “Being thrown into the air, purposefully.”
“It’s about strength and perseverance, combined in dance and gymnastics, sir. It can be very fun, and if you do it right, it improves your health greatly.” Myara said. Question answered, I thought. She had been a cheerleader.
“Yes. Unfornataly, our sixteen year old female who’s on her way in the ambulance here, isn’t very healthy at all.” Helmouth said. Myara and I glared at her, and to each other. I looked away first. “She fainted, and her squad didn’t notice, so they sent her up into the air for her trick, and…” she paused, “She went face first into the floor, and had a seizure according to her coach. Like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day, the coach said.”
“So, tell me,” I said to Helmouth, giddying up in PPV, “What are we expecting when she comes in?”
“Multiple fractures, head trauma…”
“We’ll have to get a full history, cheerleaders almost always have had previous surgeries, or scartcissue from either gymnastics or dance. Pulled muscles, ACL’s… Oh, and if we’re really lucky, her tissues will be friable as hell.” Myara said. Richard looked confused at her, but I knew exactly which direction she was heading. Helmouth looked disappointed to have been interrupted, but clearly Myara had more experience with cases like these.
“Why would her tissue be friable?” Richard asked.
“Eating disorders. One of the biggest issues in young female athletes, besides steroids. Especially in cheerleading.” Myara said. “We’re expecting these girls to simultaneously grow, develop, be strong, be flexible and thin. Especially flyers, they need to be under 100 pounds to even qualify. It’s unhealthy, and dangerous, and wrong.” I tried to look at Myara, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was upset. Maybe because it had been a sport so close to her, maybe something else. Before I could ask, I heard the ambulance closing in on the bay. I threw my hair in a quick bun, and put on my gloves.

“Julia Guinne, sixteen year old female, unstable in the field. Arrested multiple times, BP 48 over 62.” The paramedic said. “Obvious fractures in her left foot, her right leg and her left arm. Possible collarbone, too. Deep head lac.”
“Whoa, you sure you read that BP right?” Teddy asked.
“Yes,” the paramedic said, “I’m sure.”
“That’s not good.” Myara said.
“Not good at all…” Teddy added.
“Trauma room one.” I said. Myara nodded. “Did you get a history? From the coach? Or her parents?” I asked the paramedic.
“She has been a patient here before, the coach said.”
“Helmouth, get me her file.”
“Yes, Dr. Shepherd.”

We started working on her. We put her through the LODO, and got full body imagines immediately. Teddy did a cardiac echo, and Myara splinted most of her fractures. The LODO showed more fractures than anticipated.
“We need to get into an OR. There’s fluid around her heart, and her BP isn’t climbing.”
“I agree with Altman, we need to get her up now. There’s free fluid in Morrisons pouch, and her stomach is extended.” Richard said. I doubted for a second. I didn’t have a CT yet, she could have a brain bleed, a skull fracture… anything was on the table.
“I need a CT.” I said.
“No time.” Myara said, putting on her scrub cap. “We’re going now. Get a portable one, Shepherd.” I was taken aback by Myara’s words. She hadn’t called me Shepherd in weeks, and she never skipped CT when I worked with her. I tried telling myself this was just her in an emergent case, but we had had emergent cases before together, and she didn’t act like this.
I followed anyway, and put my scrub cap on, too. Teddy handed me handgel, and it got passed around. There was no time to scrub.

When the doors opened, we ran. The OR was up and ready, and Teddy was dressed in fluoro glasses immediately. She preferred those over the big lights, I remembered that.
“Where do you want me?” I asked. No one answered. I wanted to step away, to wait for CT, but Myara pulled me aside.
“When’s the last time you reset some bones?” She asked.
“Residency.” I said.
“Well, not anymore.” She said. “I could use your hands.” Before I knew what was happening, I was wrapped in a fresh surgery gown, gloves and a face shield. Myara handed me some tools that I hand’t held since my second year of residency, all while Teddy and Richard started their surgeries. I put my hands where Myara told me to, and I did it well.
“If you ever get bored of neuro, you can still have a future in ortho.” Myara said.
“Yeah, well, we’ve lost a few neurosurgeons over the years, I don’t think they can miss me.” I sighed. “Besides, we’ve already got a great team ortho.”
“That’s true, we do.” If it had not been for her mask, I am pretty sure she was smiling at me when I said it. And that made me feel even more guilty. I had still not talked to Link, and he was part of team ortho. Not only had I fallen out of love with Link, I had fallen in love with someone who shared his specialty.
I was woken up from my train of thoughts from the monitors. Her vitals were all over the place.
“Shit.” Teddy said. “Get me the paddles!” She grabbed the paddles from one of the nearest scrub nurses, and placed them. “Charge to 200. Clear!” I could hear the shock. I watched the monitor, but she was still in v-vib.
“Charge to 250. Clear!” Teddy said. Another shock. Still nothing. “Charge again!” Teddy said.
“Don’t.” Myara said.
“What do you mean? She’s in v-vib! Charge, again!”
“She is not coming back, Teddy!” Myara snapped.
“She is sixteen!” Teddy yelled. “We are not giving up on her yet. Charge, damnit!”
“She is gone Teddy! She has been gone for months, from the looks of her fractures and body. Even if we get her heart started again, she will never recover. She does not have the strength to get through recovery. Her body looks like a woman who is so near death, she is on nothing but shakes and vitamins. She has destroyed her body, and now she is dead. It’s over.” Myara said. “She’s gone.”
“I’ve got her previous records!” Helmouth stepped in. I sighed. “Why is no one operating?”
Myara untied her scrub cap, and yanked the braids from underneath it. I stared at Teddy, standing over Julia’s death and deteriorating body. She didn’t look any older than twelve.
I was taken by surprise of how I saw Lysanne in her. How I realized this could have been her, on the table, death by destroyed herself. And it could also have been me at that age.
“Time of death,” Teddy said, “Three past eight.”

“I’ll tell the parents.” Myara said.
“I’ll come with you.” I said. “Teddy, are you good to do her file?” She nodded, and I followed Myara. I could hear Helmouth ask what had happened, but I did not have time for this. I needed to be with Myara, who was clearly struggling with this loss.
“Myara, wait!” I yelled after her.
“I can tell her parents alone, Amelia.” She scoffed. “I have done it many times before.”
“But should you?” I asked. “Should you tell them alone? Should you tell them at all?”
“Damnit, Amelia! Let me do my job.”
“Hé!” I said. I put my body in front of hers, blocking her before leaving the surgical area. “You can take your shit out on me, that’s fine, I can handle it. But you are not going to tell parents their little girl is death when you can’t keep it together.” She stared at me. I understood the way her eyes pierced mine, both with hate, disgust and pain. I had looked at people the way she did at me.
“Fine.” I said. “You don’t wanna talk, that’s fine. But you are going to the attending lounge, wait for me, and I will tell the Guinne’s. Are we good?”
“I am fine, Amelia. I am.” Myara said.
“Fine.”
“I’ll be waiting for you.” She bowed, clearly as an insult. She knocked her shoulder against mine while passing through the doors. I hoped she would indeed stay in the attending lounge, get herself together. I tried doing by breath bubble for a few seconds before heading out, to the waiting room. I would be the doctor destroying their entire world, I would be the doctor that had taken away their little girl, their sun and their moon. My words would destroy them.

“Shepherd,” richard called, “Shouldn’t you still be in surgery?”
I pushed my lips together, to form a small line.
“No,” He said. “That can’t be.”
“She was already death before we even got her on the table.” I said. “There was nothing more we could have done.”
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” I said. I wanted to head out, but I turned around once more. “Actually, Myara - Dr. Johnes - she isn’t. I sent her over to the attending lounge, but I’m not sure she should be alone right now. Do you mind-“
“Of course.” He said. “I’ll wait with her.”
“Thanks, Richard.”

I walked over to the elevator, and pushed one. I was preparing myself for the pain her parents would be in. With peds cases like these - the ones where their child suddenly died - there was always a harder wave hitting the shore than with other cases. Parents knew death, and dying people, and it never looked like their child. Their sweet, sixteen year old, child.
I turned left, and saw a couple only a few years older sitting, waiting.
“Mr. And Mrs. Guinne?” I said. They jumped up.
“Julia-“ Mrs. Guinne said, “They said she had been in an accident at practice, can we go see her? She must be terrified. She never even has sleepovers because she can’t bear being alone. What’s her room number?”
“Mrs. Guinne,” I said, “We should have this conversation in private.” I lead them to the conference room.
“What’s going on? Did she break a bone again?” Mrs. Guinne asked. “She has been breaking bones many times these last few months in practice, I have even suggested quitting, but Julia wanted to keep going.”
“Honey,” Mr. Guinne said. “Maybe we should let the doctor talk?
“You are right Edward. I’m sorry, sweety, I have a tendency to be a tat overbearing.” Sweety, I thought to myself. How sweet will she think I am when I tell her her daughter has died on our table?
“Your daughter came in with multiple fractures and, and a deep head lack,” I said. “When we scanned her, there also were some internal injuries.”
“But she’s going to be fine?” Mrs. Guinne asked. I sighed, This was the final blow.
“Her injuries were extensive.” I said, “And with how severely underweight she was, her heart could not take the strain. She died at three past eight tonight.”
A silence as loud as this had been long overdue for me. The last time I felt this kind of silence, was when I was in the accident. I had always heard this silence when something extensively bad happened, like when everyone around me kept dying, or almost dying.
“What?” Mrs. Guinne asked.
“You daughter died at three past eight. I am so sorry.” I said. “We did everything we could, but despite our best efforts-“
“No!” Mrs. Guinne cried, “No, no, no! This can’t be. No!”
“Shhh, Kaya, shhhh.” Mr. Guinne said, hugging his wife.
“No, Edward, she’s- she's joking. Some cruel, sick joke.”
“No Kaya, she isn’t. And you know it.” He said. The room was filled with cloud, and crying. Whales for air, and sounds I had never heard a human make before.
I apologized one more time, before leaving the room. I notified the nurses station the Guinne’s would need a moment before the papers would be released to them, and to page the on-call resident to do it.
I needed air, I needed to not be here, I needed- I needed oxy. For the first time, I truly, fully, wanted oxycodone again. I wanted its haziness, its disability to form new memories. I let out one breath, and started walking to the attending lounge. If anyone would understand, it would be Richard, and Myara.

When I reached the lounge, I only saw Richard. I looked at him, and he looked at the bathroom door. The red was showing, meaning someone was in there. I pointed, and he nodded. Myara was in there. I wiped my hand underneath my nose, and dried my eyes with my sleeves.
“You okay?”
“No,” I sighed, “But I will be.” I looked at the door.
“She has been in there this whole time.” He said.
“Did she say anything?”
“Besides leave me alone?” He asked, “No.” I sighed, again, and walked over to the door. I nodded at Richard, as a sign he could leave, and he closed the door on his way out.
“Myara, open the door.” I said. “We’re alone, you can come out now.”
“Leave me alone, Amelia.”
“No,” I said, “This is done. You are gonna come out of the bathroom, and- and I am going to hold you. You want to yell? You can yell. You want to throw something? Fine, do it! But you are gonna do it here. In the lounge, outside of the bathroom. And after you do- whatever you need to do- I am going to hold you.” It was silent for a few seconds, and then I heard shuffling. I stepped away from the door, and my heart skipped a beat. Was she really coming out?

“If I tell you something,” she said, “Do you promise to never try and talk about it again, with me, or anyone else?” She looked serious. I couldn’t tell if this was headed the way I thought it was headed, but if it was, I could not promise her that.
“I am not a danger to myself or to someone else, I promise.”
“See, when you say it like that, it makes me think it means the opposite.”
“I promise you.” She said. “It’s just very, very personal.”
“Then why would you say you are not a danger to yourself?” I asked.
“Because I saw it on your face.” She wiped her nose with her sleeves.
“Okay.” I said, “I promise.”
She sat down on the sofa, curled up her legs to her chest and put her head on them. She looked so young, sitting like that.
“Okay. When I was fourteen, my mother died.” She said. I tried not to give her any looks, but I knew she had felt my eyes. “She was- she and I were anything but close. But, every year, we went to a different country and tried an extreme sport, just for kicks and giggles. My parents both lived in the art world, and nothing very excited ever happens there, so this had become like a tradition to us. This particular year, we went skiing in Austria. My mother had been trying every diet on the planet, and kept complaining about how fat she was getting. She wasn’t, she was actually skinnier than I had ever seen her before.” She sniffed, and dried her eyes. I could see how hard this was for her, but I wasn’t sure what to do.
“Anyway, we went down a black diamond - the hardest and most dangerous- and we started going faster and faster. I’m a snowboarder, like dad, but my mom’s a skier. I guess she lost control, and she fell. I heard her scream, and next thing I know, my dad was signing release papers for her body to be transported back to the States.”
“And the case today- she reminded her of your mother?” I tried.
“In a way, yeah. I accessed my mothers records when I was working with Callie, after treating a severely underweight equestrian who had broken almost every bone in her body. She died in recovery, though. Sorry, I’m wondering off of the story.”
“Take your time,” I said, “We’ve got time.”
“Anyway, I found out my mother had an eating disorder. It was so obvious from her autopsy report, and now I had the knowledge, I also knew she would have survived if she had been healthy. Just like this kid today. If she had been healthy, she would be alive right now.”
“We don’t know that.”
“I do.”
“You don’t, Myara,” I said, “Not really. They still could have stroked out, bled out, anything. Dead is dead.”
“You’re a real sunshine, aren’t you?” She joked. “You’re like me, seven years ago. We’re not that different.”
“You’ve got an oxy problem we need to talk about?” I asked.
“I may not have an oxy problem, but I still know what first hand how painful addiction can be, Amelia. I’m plenty fucked in the head.” I looked at her. The tears stained her face, her puffy, red eyes. The snot trying to make its way down to her lip. And still, she was beautiful to me.
“What?” She asked.
“Nothing.” I said. I pulled her into a hug, and just held her. I could be her tape and glue, jus for now. I took a deep breathe.
“Hé, I’ve got an idea.” I said. “I need to hit a meeting, you want to come with me?”
“Sure.”

Chapter Text

“Richard,” I said, “I am going to a meeting. Can you tell Maggie I’ll be home later, and ask her to put Scout to sleep? I don’t think Link will be able to do that, seeing how he was before we left.”
“Sure, should I wait for Myara? Teddy is already getting the car up front.”
“Actually, Myara is coming with me.” I said. Richards head formed a frown, but his lips curled almost into a smile. “Is she…?”
“No, no - I don’t think so, at least - but tonight has been very hard on her, and I think he could really benefit from seeing a group that isn’t always doing good either. And I really need to go, but I don’t think I can just send her back to Mer’s after this.”
“I understand.” Richard said. “Should we drop you off?”
“If you would, that’d be great. We need a minute, though.” I pointed behind me, and Richard told me to take all the time we needed. "Thank you.” I nodded, and went back into the lounge. Myara had finally gotten up, and was washing her face in the bathroom sink.
She didn’t notice me standing behind her, until she finally looked herself in the eyes in the mirror. She saw me looking, staring, and she stared back, still her back turned to me. I knew wild animals would only turn their backs to others when they trusted them, and I took this as a sign of Mara’s trust.
“You ready to go?” I asked her. She looked at her eyes for a few seconds. I could see how she was forcing herself to get over it, to be okay, even though she knew where we were headed it was alright to be vulnerable. Maybe she wasn’t ready yet, I got that. I hadn’t been either when I first started to hit meetings.
“Yeah,” She said, wiping her eyes one last time, “I’m ready.”
“Richard and Teddy are waiting up front. They’ll drop us off.”
“Okay.”

The ride was quiet. Richard drove, and when we arrived at the building, I saw a lot of people. I had secretly hoped it would be quiet, a dead evening like we called it, to not make it harder on Myara. But she would survive this. I saw Adelaide, the one who organized the meets, wave at Richard and me.
“I’ll pick you up at 10,” Richard said. We got out, and I walked over to Adelaide.
“I hope it’s not a problem,” I started, “But I took someone with me?”
“Is that a question, or are you telling me?”
“Both?”
“Is she an addict?” I hesitated for a second. If I said no, she would not be allowed in, as she wasn’t family. But she needed to be here. Everything about her told me that much.
“She has experience with addiction, yes.” I said. Not a total lie, she had told me herself she had first hand experience.
“Does she have a sponsor? Is she clean?” Adelaide asked. She must have seen the doubt on my face, before I could answer she continued, “Because Jake’s in tonight. And he has been struggling a lot, I don’t actively want to exclude addicts that aren’t clean, but he just got out of rehab, I don’t think he’ll be good, hearing active addicts stories.”
“As far as I know, she is clean.”
“Okay,” Adelaide said, “But she has to fill out a form, just like everyone else.” I had hoped to save her from that, but apparently not. I signaled Myara over, and introduced her to Adelaide.
“We’re happy you’re here.” She said. Liar, I thought. “Amelia will give you a form.”
“No problem,” She said, “I know the drill.” Adelaide gave me a look, one that clearly was displeased with me, but I didn’t care. 

“So,” I asked, “Earlier, when I joked about you not having told anyone you’ve got an oxy problem-“
“Yes?”
“You didn’t lie to me, right?” Shit. I had blurted it out, and it had sounded very offensive.
“I-“ She started, “I didn’t lie. But I also didn’t tell you the whole truth, yet. I’m not ready.” She looked at her feet, hands in the pockets of her vest. Her braids were messy, and the left overs of her washed and cried off mascara were crusting on her lower lash lid.
“Are you clean?”
“It’s not like that for me, Amelia.” She sighed.
“Okay, never mind.” I said, “Forget I asked. Let’s go inside, sign the forms.”

We walked in, and to my surprise, a lot of people I usually had meetings with on Monday morning were here too. I waved at Michelle and Logan, a couple that had gotten clean together to continue their work at the local stables for rescue horses, and then I saw her. Just a glimpse of her, but I was sure I saw her. I blinked again, trying to see, but I couldn’t.
“Amelia?”
“Yes, yeah. Forms, right. Follow me, they’re right here.” I led Myara to the counter.
“So, it does require you to fully be honest.” I said, handing her the paper. I saw her eyes scanning over the paper, but she didn’t seem shocked. There were quite personal questions. Normally, AA was anonymous. But, due to Adelaide’s new work with the community, she had managed to create a file log of every attendee. Just in case something happened to someone. It sounds rude, as addiction has no preference for anyone, but it made me feel good the people I had met here were protected by at least Adelaide, instead of how meetings normally were. That they at least had someone, and didn’t just come to meetings for their case workers. Almost everyone here was actively working to get or stay clean, and that made it so much easier for me, too.
“It’s fine, They’re still the same, I’ll be done in a minute.” Myara said. “Should I hand it to the lady you were talking to, the one in the blue dress?”
“Yeah - Adelaide - she handles admissions, and tracks us down when we haven’t been in a really long time. She might text you sometimes, but if you keep her updated every now and then, you’ll be fine.” I shrugged.
“Alrighty, then.”
She waited for me to leave to fill in the form, and I got us a brownie and two seats. I watched Myara write down, she should be somewhere close to done for the amount of time she spent over the paper. She looked through the crowd, to look for Adelaide. Adelaide spotted her, and walked over. I hated I could not her their conversation. I wasn’t nosy, and I did trust Myara, but I also just wanted to look out for her.
I also looked around to figure out if I had been delusional, or if I had really seen her, but I settled on delusional.

Myara sat down, and I handed her the brownie.
“Thanks.” She said, but she folded her napkin around it and picked at it. The same way she had done at Meredith’s. She saw me look. “I’m just saving it for after introducing myself. I don’t wanna spit brownie over the front row, you know?” She joked, but it wasn’t genuine.
“You nervous?” I asked.
“Huh? Oh- yes. Kind off. It’s been a long time.” My curiosity grew more, because, clearly she had done this before. But she wouldn’t tell me when, and why. I get that she was not ready, but I also wondered why. Talking is one of the main things you need to do in AA or NA. It is expected of you, almost compelled.

“We have a new guest, here, today.” Adelaide said, “Myara, if you could introduce yourself?” Myara put her brownie down, and got up. I smiled at her, but she didn’t look at me. Strange. This was getting weirder and weirder. Had I done the right thing?
“Hi, I am Myara”
“Hi, Myara,”
“And I am an addict.” I tried not to drop my jaw, but I was also getting angry. I had asked her, and she straight up lied to me. She had lied. “But not to alcohol, or drugs. I- I get most addictions are either of those, or both, and maybe I should not be here- I don’t know- but I have been struggling for a while. Since I was 12, really. I may not drink away my problems, or anything, but how I treat my body, and what I used to be in control until I’m not anymore, is just as bad. I haven’t had these thoughts - these dark thoughts - since I started my fellowship, but when I moved here, all the way from New York, just - what has it been? Like- seven months ago?” She fell quiet, and even though I tried to listen, I was also mad. Mad at her. And at the same time, I felt what she said. It had been the same for me, just from LA.
“Anyway, it’s been really hard. I didn’t really fit here, in Seattle, up until today. I’m not sure I’m allowed to say, but if Amelia hadn’t dragged me here today, I would probably have left Seattle after today. Everything here, it’s been a trigger. And- I miss it. I miss how in control I felt at my peak addiction, how even if no one else spoke to me for months, I had it be my friend. It was always there, and it made me feel good until it didn’t anymore.” She sighed. “And then, today, something happened that made me feel so out of control, I contemplated it for a really, really long time. I’m almost eleven years clean” a few woo’s and claps came from the crowd. Ten years was an accomplishment. Everyone here knew that.
“Thank you, yeah, I think I deserve to be proud of that, too. Anyway, I hadn’t really, actively wanted to for years. I have a stable job, a stable life- except my move- and nothing bad has happened to me, or anyone close to me. But when I had this patient die today, I just lost it. Everything I have worked for, it felt like nothing. And in that time window, in that very small window, I wanted to. And I had not realized how I had lost my ways of taking care of me up until today.” It was quiet, and a few people nodded at her story. I too, felt like she had, many times before. When I looked up, I saw she was looking at me. Not through me, not besides me, she was looking at me. I smiled at her, and she looked away, but this time not because she was avoiding me. She had accepted she needed to be here.
“Thank you, Myara.” Adelaide said. She went back to our row, picked up her brownie, and unfolded it. She broke a piece off of it, and ate it. The other part, she handed to me. I wanted to decline, but her face said not to.
“Please,” she asked, “I cannot have all off it. Not right now, and I don’t wanna look at it all night either.”
“Okay,” I said.

It was quiet, except the person who was speaking, but I was too in my thought to really pay attention. Myara, however, was actively listening to their stories. I looked at her, her black braids down her back, still wearing her scrubs and her green vest. She was a green person, I had know that for a while now, but something about it didn’t fit her yet. I hated how I was missing vital parts of information about her.
I was the total opposite, I word-vomitted everything to everyone.

“It’s ten, Richard’s here.” Myara said.
“Huh?”
“Richard’s here, to pick us up?”
“Oh. Right.” I said, still stuck in my thoughts. When we got outside, there was no car for us yet. I wanted to ask Myara what she addicted to, to have been able to speak like that, but I didn’t. She had already told me she wasn’t ready, I should not try to force it any further. I made her get to the meeting, I made her sign up, and she talked. That should be enough for now. But it isn’t for me, I thought. And that? That made me feel terrible.
“You really are trying to figure out what my issue is, aren’t you?”
“No.” I said, like a liar.
“You are. I know you, you’re a bad liar."
“I am not.” I said.
“You are.” She laughed. “But I’ll tell you if you really want to know.”
“Dear God, yes. I need to know. I was trying to not be rude, but I need to know, Myara.” I sighed in relieve.
“I am not addicted to drugs, or alcohol. I can drink, when I am surrounded by people that make me feel safe, or at parties. I don’t smoke, weed or tobacco, mainly because I had one bad trip once and hated how it burned my lungs, but I also don’t think I should.” She said. For crying out loud, can’t she just say it? Does she have to make this a riddle?
“Right, sorry. I’ll get to it.” She said. She must’ve read it off of my face, again. I really need to learn how to control my face. “I am a self harmer. I used to cut myself, and then when I went to therapy, and got it under control, I developed an eating disorder. That’s why todays case got me, I looked at myself on that table, Amelia. I saw that girl, so skinny, so weak, and brittle, and it was like someone threw a bucket of ice water of me. When I was at my lowest, I looked exactly like her. And I only today realized how close to being dead I had been all that time.” Unconsciously, I looked at her arms. As if I would be able to suddenly see her scars, like some type of magic.
“So, now you know.” I thought about it for a while, about what she said. Lysine had talked to me many times about why she cut, so I refrained from asking Myara the same question. I guess it is going to be the same answer as when you ask an alcoholic why they drink, or an addict why they do drugs.
“Can I ask you one thing, though?” I asked.
“Just one?” She said. “That’s new. Normally you just ask the questions as they come to you. But sure, you can ask one question.” She emphasized the one.
“Before we went in, you said you weren’t ready. And you also said it’s not like that for you, when I asked you if you were clean. What does that mean?” She sighed.
“Look, I am going to say this, and I hope it makes sense to you, because I do not have the mental capacity to try and further explain this tonight. Maybe ever. I’m not a talker, and when I open up, I just kind of try and pretend I didn’t. So, I hope you understand what I am about to say.” She shivered, and pulled up her hoodie to zip her vest. I did the same with my leather jacket. “The problem with an eating disorder and self harm is, you’ll never be clean, even when you are. I will always carry the scars, and bumps, and it’s not like I can remove every piece of food from me, because it would actually trigger me more, but food also triggers me. It’s impossible. And I tried a skin graft once, but I was so used to seeing my limbs full of scars, it didn’t look like part of me. It triggered me even more.” She sighed.
“You’re in a catch-twenty-two.” I said.
“Yes.”
“I get that.” I said. “Sort off, at least.”
“Good. I really hoped you would."
“God, it’s cold out here, I hope Richard’s almost here.” Just as I said it, I saw a black jeep pull up. It was Teddy behind the wheel, Owen in the front seat. Myara and I got in the car, but I could smell the bourbon from the front seat. Allison and Leo weren’t in the car, which was probably a good thing.
“Do you mind cracking a window?" I asked Teddy.
“I know, I am so sorry, Amelia.” She sighed, and pushed the button on the side of her door. The fresh air had never smelled better. “When Richard and I got back, he was passed out."
“I wasn’t passed out, I was sleeping.” Owen said. He sounded hostile, like he had sounded when he had PTSD attacks.
“It was eight o’clock! You had a normal, daytime shift. You were passed out!” Teddy yelled. I thought about all the times I had been passed out, and caught. There were too many to name, but I remember once, in LA, Addison had found me on her deck. This was before Ryan, before actually falling down the rabbit hole again. I had been downing whiskey, something I picked up after losing a patient I thought I should not have lost. Dilila Henton, a twenty seven year old woman. She worked as an arts therapist with troubled teens, and I had promised her she would see the boy she was counseling walk down his graduation. She didn’t, she stroked out, and I hated myself for it. It wasn’t anything I could have prevented, but I remember how mad Addison was when she found me. She was threatening to call Derek, to call my mother even though she knew my mother disliked her. I promised her I wouldn’t drink anymore, but when it happened with another patient, I did the same. I have felt guilty about it for years.

“Do you think he’s gonna puke?” Myara whispered in my ear. I could feel the warmth of her breath pass through my hair, reach my ear. I shivered. She was so close, if I just turned my head-
“If he pukes, he will sleep in the shed for the next two weeks.” Teddy said. “It’s bad enough I have to drive him home and go back to Meredith’s to pick up Leo and Allison, alone, you know, without a husband.” She spat at Owen. I understood them both. But I didn’t want to be here, between a worried fiancé and a drunken soon to be husband. Again.
“Preach.” Myara said.
“Was Meredith still awake?” I asked Teddy.
“Yeah, she and Richard were cleaning when I left to pick you guys up. There’s some food left, some spare ribs and burgers.”
“And Lysanne?”
“I think she gave her number to one of Bailey’s boys, but her Mom came to pick her up. She asked for you, but I told her you got pulled into surgery. Lysanne asked me to thank you for inviting her, though. Sweet girl.” Teddy said.
“Oh, is she flirting with Bailey’s boys? That’s good! They’re good guys, raised right. Nice.” Myara said.
“I don’t know what she gave them her number for,” I said, “But when I talked to her about boys the other day, she said they weren’t really her type…”
“What?” Myara said, “How can cute, smart boys not be your type? I wish I had boys around me that were raised the way they were at that age.”
“Apparently, boys aren’t really her thing at all.” I said.
“Oh.” Teddy said, looking through her back mirror.
“Oh,” Myara said. “Score for the girls, then. Good for her.”
“Maybe Teddy can teach her how to be with a woman. In secret. She’s good at that, apparently.” Owen mumbled. Teddy shot her eyes down, clearly saddened by his words.
“Owen!” I said. “That’s enough. You’re done.”
“I’ll call my mother when I want someone to tell me to shut up, thank you, Amelia.”
“Child.” I said. “You are a literal child. You were with me, you were with Christina, you always will be. Do not talk to or about Teddy that way.”
“No-“ He started, “You know what?” He turned around. “You do not get to talk about Christina. And you were a lousy wife. You weren’t even a wife, we were just married on paper. You left me. And then you tell me to go be with Teddy, and when I do, you are still unhappy. And you’re doing the same with Link. He has been telling me all night how you are acting different, distant. He knows you, Amelia. And now leave me alone, I don’t take orders from civilians.” I felt tears well up in my eyes. If I had been alone with him, I would have at least gave him a good slap. His comment to Teddy was hurtful, but this was just cruel.
“Stop the car, Teddy.”
“No, Amelia- he- he didn’t mean it like that. He’s just drunk. Right?” Myara asked, looking at Teddy, who was focused on the road.
“Stop. The car.” I said. I felt Mara’s eyes on me. I needed to get out of this car. I’d walk home.
“Amelia, I can’t just stop the car.”
“Teddy, I swear to God, let me out of this car.”
“I’ll walk with her.” Myara said. “It’s fine, we can walk.”
“Fine.” Teddy pulled over, and we got out.
“I’ll drop him off, and I’ll come back-“ Teddy started, “I’m so sorry… He has been like this for weeks when he drinks. I don’t know what to do…”
“I do.” I said. “Get him into rehab.”
“He’s not a drunk-“
“I am.” I said. I felt Mara’s eyes on the back of my head, but I tried to ignore her. I was too mad, too hurt, to care. This had been an awful day, and this was the limit. I had reached my limit. “And his behaviour, Teddy? It’s the behaviour of someone who is going to ruin his life and take you down with him if he doesn’t fix himself.”
She sighed. “I’ll talk to you, tomorrow, or something.”
“I hope you do, Teddy, he needs help.”

Teddy sighed, rolled up her window and started her car. I could hear Owen’s voice, telling her something, but I didn’t care. I started walking. All the way down from 12th avenue up till 26th. I could hear Myara trailing me, and I wondered why she hadn’t tried to talk to me. Why she hadn’t called Meredith, or Maggie, or anyone else to pick us up. I didn’t even like walking, I just wanted not to be near Owen.
I stopped. “Why haven’t you asked me yet?”
“Why haven’t I asked you… what do I need to ask you?” She asked.
“Anything!” I yelled, “Anything! Why haven’t you?”
“Do you want me to?” She looked confused, probably as to why I was yelling at her. I didn’t even know myself why I was, or maybe I did. She made me feel crazy, like I was on fire, inside and out. Even when we were outside, I could swear I could smell her pepperminty smell. “Because, I could ask you what your favorite pizza is, or your favorite color. I don’t know those things about you, weirdly. I know you’re in AA, I know your brother is Derek Shepherd, I know Grey-Sloan is your family. I know a lot about you, or rather, I found out a lot about you. You’re interesting to me, but I don’t want to ask.” She said.
Something sunk, and a feeling of sick started to fall over me. She didn’t want to ask. Why didn’t she? Did this mean I imagined everything? “Why don’t you want to ask? Am I that unworthy to know? To take up space in your knowledge?”
“I didn’t say that-“
“I understood you.” I scoffed, “Loud and clear.” I turned around, and started walking again. Two more blocks. Only two more blocks before I reached Hillprep, and was out of her sight. Only two more miles until I was home.
“Amelia!” I ignored her. I didn’t want to be near her, not right now.
“Amelia! Wait- I didn’t mean it like that!” She grabbed my arm, and I yanked it away from her. She looked scared, and for a second I felt bad. She ducked, as if I was going to hit her.
“I have gotten good at being alone, being the crazy one. The addict of the family. I know how to keep myself sober, safe. And right now-“ I said, “Right now I need you to leave me alone, because I will hurt you.” I almost whispered the last few words.
“I’m not scared of getting hurt.” She said.
“But I am!” I yelled. I saw her face soften, and I regretted what I said. I didn’t need her pitty. I didn’t need her to make me feel good. But I did. But I didn’t.
“Okay.” She said. I just stared at her. Okay? None of this was okay. I didn’t feel okay, I felt- I felt everything, and nothing. Confused, maybe. And angry.
“Can I tell you something?” I scoffed. She ignored me. “I am not sure you understand me. I think- somewhere, but I’m not sure where even though I have been trying to find out for the last few minutes where it happened- we walked past each others point, and I am confused.” I looked at her, trying to capture her eyes, but she wasn’t looking at me. Fine.
“Does it matter?” I asked. Please, say yes. Say yes, it matters.
“To me it does.” She said. She looked at me, and I could see there were tears in her eyes, too. “Because you are my first and only friend here, I think. And I don’t want to lose a friend over a miscommunication- which I think is happening here. Or am I wrong?”
“I don’t know!” I yelled. I was so confused. Did she, or did she not like me? Had I been imagining things? Were awe just that- friends?
“Neither do I!” She yelled back. “You confuse the hell out of me, Amelia!” She undid the buttons of her jacket, and loosened her sleeves. I could see the small tattoo again, the one of the hummingbird. I looked at it, and for the first time I noticed the scars underneath it, the textured, wobbly lines in its wings. She followed my eyes, and crossed her arms in front of her body.

“What do I need to do? What do I need to say- to ask?” She said, after a long silence. “You make me stumble Amelia, I look like a fool when I talk to you! I feel like a high schooler again.” She sat down, on the middle of the side walk. I looked around, to see if there were people, but there weren’t. I felt a need to sit down besides her, hold her, kiss her. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t, because I’m not sure I would be able to stop.
“When I asked you out, and you said no,” she started, “Part of me felt relieved. Like I could ignore it, just move on. But then, when you asked me, not even an hour later, I was confused. I still am. So tell me, Amelia, what do I need to-“ I didn’t let her finish. I kneeled down in front of her, and I kissed her. I couldn’t look at her lips anymore, I needed to feel them, I needed to taste them. They were so much softer than anyone else’s I have ever kissed. Her lips moved against mine in perfect synchronisation, as if we had kissed a thousand times before this. The only thing missing was rain.
She wore chapstick, something I had missed while I was with Owen- While I was with Link. The peppermint tingled, but in a good way. The way I had wanted her, it had consumed me, and in this moment, this passion, I felt calm for the first time in months.
Her hands were on my hips, pulling me closer. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. The guilt I would feel if I went ahead with what we both wanted, it would kill me. I pulled away, not far, but far enough. I could feel her warm breath against my lips, she had not expected that, I could tell, her eyes still closed as if when she opened them, I would be gone.
But when she opened them, I wasn’t. I still was kneeling in front of her, staring right back at her. Her green eyes almost yellow in this light.
“You could have just told me that.” She whispered.
“I didn’t know how I needed to tell you…” I said.
“Me, neither.” She said, "But I liked this better, I think."

Chapter Text

I had told Myara to take the bus home, to not follow me back to Merediths, as I could not promise to her or myself, or God, that I wouldn’t kiss her again, that I wouldn’t touch her the way I wanted to. I had walked up and down the porch seventy-two times, to prepare myself for the conversation I needed to have. And I needed to do it now, because next time, I would maybe not be able to stop.
I sighed, and the door opened.
“Amelia, what are you doing? Get inside, it’s eleven, we have to get up at six.” Meredith said. I looked at her, and she looked behind her, before closing the door, reading it on my face. I really, really needed to get better at hiding things.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She asked.
“No-“ I said, “Yes, no. I don’t know.”
“What happened?” She asked. “Did something happen to you?”
“Kind off?” I didn’t look at her.
“Do you want me to get Link?”
“No!” I yelled. She looked confused, and then she didn’t.
“Do you need me to drive you to the hospital?” I stopped pacing.
“Hospital?”
“Yeah, for- a kit?” She whispered, “Testing?” Shit. Did I look hurt? “Or do you just want to go to the police? I’ll drive, really, you shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?” She hissed.
“I need you to promise me something-“
“Do I need to call rehab?”
“What? No! Jesus, Meredith.” In yanked her to the side, “I’m not on drugs, I’m not hurt, I just did something really stupid and I need you to tell me what to do.”
“Now?” She looked at her phone. “We should have been asleep two hours ago!”
“Yes! This cannot wait to tomorrow.”
“There’s a morning after in the cabinet, if that’s-"
“Shut up!” I said. “I didn’t have sex, either.” I whispered.
“Then what is it?”

I explained everything to Meredith. How our first meeting had went, the diagnoses of my meniscus, everything. I even told her Myara’s idea of continuing Derek and Callie’s research. And about the kiss. I left out the AA meeting, not sure if Myara was ready to tell others that.
Meredith just stared at me, every now and then a flicker of shock, disappointment or something else washed over her eyes.
“So,” She said, “If I understand you, which I’m not sure I do, you kept me up to tell me about how you cannot choose between two people? One of which is the father of your child, and one of which you actually like?”
“Well, when you say it like that-“
“Am I misunderstanding you?”
“You’re not,” I started, “I just don’t think it is that black and white.”
“Amelia,” She said, “I’m going to tell you this, once.”
“Okay.”
“You are a grown up. The decision is yours.” She got up, folding the blanket she had been sitting underneath for the past forty minutes. “But for the record, I’ve watched you. And I don’t think you’re being completely honest with yourself. I think Johnes is new, shiny. And she offers something Link doesn’t; freedom. And it seems like you need that, now more than ever. But Link offers stability, something you also very much need.”
“So, what do I do Mer?” I sighed.
“That’s up to you.”

I sat outside for a few minutes more, thinking how I was going to tell Link. Meredith was right, maybe I jumped the gun with Myara. Why was everything so hard?
I missed being Lysanne’s age. The age where I could be a heavy addict, which obviously wasn’t that great in the long run, but at that moment it didn’t matter. Nothing did, because nothing was permanent. And now it was. Now everything was real. Link and I, we were responsible for a new life. But I was also responsible for my life, my choices. And the more I thought about it, the kinder it seemed to let go of Link.
I went inside, up stairs. I kissed Scout goodnight, and sniffed his head. I loved the smell of babies, and maybe I was biased, but Scout always smelled like baby. But when I turned to close the door, a small panic fell over me. I saw Link sitting on the bed. Why wasn’t he asleep? It was twelve in the night…
“Hey.” I said, sitting down next to him.
“Why won’t you marry me?” Was he still on to this? Marriage? I sighed, this was what I had been afraid of. He would stay with me, be unhappy, expect me to marry him eventually. And maybe I would have, but right now, I knew Links life is not what I wanted mine to become. I hated how I was splitting my sons parents, but I was also not ready to give up my own happiness, after trying to seal that away for over three decades.
“Please, Amelia, I’m begging you.” Link said, grabbing my hand. I could smell the bourbon he had been drinking, and I hated it. “Marry me.”
“Link.” I said, turning away my head from his mouth. “We talked about this.”
“Please,” He said again, pressing his lips on my neck. For a second, I wanted to give in. But when he pressed his lips against my neck again, and closed my eyes, I saw Myara, and not Link. I imagined her lips in my neck the way Links were at this very moment, leaving traces of peppermint. “You still react to my touch the way you’ve always had. I need you, I want you, Amelia. I want all of you, forever.” I opened my eyes, and turned my head. His lips crashed onto mine, and I started to compare his kiss to Myara’s. How possessive his lips felt against mine, how they told me to marry him, over and over again.
I pulled away.
“You know you want me,” Link said, trying to kiss me again.
“We need to talk about something.” I whispered. He backed away. “I’m leaving you.”

It felt likes hours when I saw Link finally process what I had just said. Even in the pitch black dark of our room, I saw the anger flicker behind his eyes.
“You’re leaving me?” He said, pulling away. “What about Scout? Hm? Do you want him to grow up with divorced parents?”
“Link, this is not about Scout-“
“It is, though!”
“It isn’t.” I said. “It’s about me, and you. I cannot be with you.”
He stayed quiet for a few seconds.
“Why?” He asked, “Why today, all of the sudden? Did something happen?”
“Nothing happened,” I lied, “I just- I need to choose me.”
“And what about me?” He said, trying to keep himself composed. But I heard the shiver of pain, and I swear the light of the moon reflected on one single tear rolling down his cheeks.
I felt sad, and angry. I knew he was drunk, but he was clearly sober enough to understand what was happening. He had the tolerance about the same I had when I was at my drinking peak. And I felt bad, telling him this. But I also felt angry how he made it about himself, his happiness, as if it was somehow more important than mine.
“I’ll go sleep on the couch, for as long as you need to find something of your own.” I said, grabbing my nightwear. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“No,” He said, “I’ll be out first light. I’ll stay at Jo’s. We switch every two days, with Scout. She has Luna, it’ll be fine. I’ll be fine without you.”
“Link-“
“Amelia, I need you to go, because I am hurt, and I am angry, and I do not feel like talking to you anymore. Goodbye, and goodnight.”
“Okay.” I said, stepping outside of the room. I wanted to turn around, and just hug him one last time, like he deserved. But I couldn’t.
“Okay.” He said, closing the door behind me, a bit too loud. I hoped no one heard, but when I turned around, I saw Meredith lurking in the dark.
“I have two pillows.” She said. “I will use you to heat up my cold feet, though.” I smiled at her. That was a small price to pay to not sleep on Mer's puked on, peed on, eaten on couch. I called it a win for myself, even though I had lost tonight. I had lost the father of my son, a friend, a lover…

Meredith was fast asleep, and I saw her clock hit every number on it, over and over again. My phone lied on top of my chest, my hands around it. I had been thinking about texting Myara, calling her even, but something inside me felt stuck, like I couldn’t move my hands and type her name into my phone.
I wanted to ask her how she was feeling, if she wanted to walk into work together. But I knew I would have to at least keep this hidden from Link for a few weeks, maybe even months.
I sighed, and I pushed my phone underneath my pillow. I glanced at Merediths clock, and closed my eyes. I needed to sleep, even if I didn’t have surgeries scheduled, my work in my lab was just as important.
But just I was dozing off, I felt something buzz. My phone. I grabbed it, and there it was. Her name, on my screen, at three in the morning.
Wished you were laying besides me so I could wake up in your arms…
I was supposed to respond, but I didn’t. I read the message, over and over, and eventually I fell asleep.

“Amelia?” I heard besides me, “I don’t know if you’re going to work, but it’s six in the morning. I heard the front door, I guess that was Link leaving?”
“I-“ I yawned, “I guess… He said he’d leave at first light, I guess he meant it."
“So you two are done?” She asked, trying to fit herself in her jeans.
“Yeah,” I said, “We’re done.”
“Really?” She asked, doing her button, “Because I’ve heard that before, and then I heard you in the bathroom-“
“We’re done, Meredith.” I said. I didn’t look at her, I just opened the covers and got dressed.
“Okay.” She said.
“Okay.” I said.
Once I was downstairs, we saw Maggie sitting, eating her breakfast.
“Guys!” She said, “I was trying to make Link breakfast, and he just walked out on me?”
“Yeah, don’t take it personal,” I said, “He’s not coming back either, so we have to dial down on the orange juice we bulk buy.”
“What?” She asked, looking at Meredith, “What happened? Are you okay?”
“She’s fine.” Meredith said.
“Are you?”
“I’m fine, Maggie.” I sighed. “Can we just get to work and get over it?” I packed my lunch and stuffed it in my bag before heading out, to wait in the car. I would give Meredith five minutes to explain it to Maggie, and then I’d be grilled all the way to work about Myara. I had peace with it, whatever…

A buzzing from my bag shook me out of my thoughts. It was Lysanne, an SOS to pick her up at home. I got out of the car, just when Meredith and Maggie walked out the door.
“Hey, can we pick up Lysanne on our way?”
“You’re still gonna have to explain what happened.” Maggie said.
“Fine,” I said, “You got ten blocks to grill me. Not a word when Lysanne’s in the car.”
“Deal.”
Meredith started the car, and before I even fastened my seatbelt, Maggie had already turned around.
“So, when I asked you about Myara the other day, you lied to me.” She said. Meredith gave me a quick look from the mirror, telling me to just say it. I knew how much Maggie hated lying, but I had felt at the time I had to.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I doubted for a second, but this was family. “Because I didn’t know anything more than you did at that point. I knew I wasn’t in love with Link anymore, but I didn’t know what I felt for Myara, or if it was even real.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Maggie!” I sputtered, “I just didn’t know yet.”
“And now you do?”
“No, I don’t. But I do know I had to be honest with Link because I couldn’t do this to him anymore.”
“And Myara?”
“I-“ I sighed.
“He, Lysanne!” Meredith yelled, rolling down her window. Saved by a teenager, I thought. Pathetic.
“Hey,” she said, getting in the back. I could see she was wearing long sleeves, when it wasn’t even cold. Most of the time that meant bad news, but I didn’t ask her in front of my sisters. “Thanks, for picking me up."
“You wanna go to school?” I asked.
“Could I just go with you today?” She asked, looking at her shoes.
“Yeah, sure.” I said. It was bad news, she had done something, I felt it in every atom of my body.

“Okay, they’re gone,” I said, seeing Maggie and Meredith walk off. “What did you do?” I turned to Lysanne.
“Can we get inside first, please?” She asked, she looked different than usual. Smaller, almost.
“We can go to my lab, but once we are there, you are going to have to tell me.” I said. “Those are the rules.”
“I know.” She said.
I handed her a cup of chocolate milk, and poured myself some coffee before walking to my lab. She had been quiet all the way there, and the longer we stayed quiet, the more scared I got. I knew this silence, I had been this silence.
“So,” I said.
“Okay,” she started, “I know you said I could always, always tell you everything, but I don’t wanna disappoint you, which is what is going to happen when I tell you this.”
“Lysanne,” I started, but before I could finish she pulled off her shirt, and just sat there in her bra. For a few seconds, I was very confused, but then I saw it. The marks.
“I’m so sorry…” She said, almost whispering to fight the tears. “I’m so sorry, Amelia… I’m so, so, so sorry. I fucked it up, I know, I’m so-“ I held her in my arms, her cold skin covered by my arms. I tried not to touch the marks, the small, charred, circles burned into her flesh, but they were everywhere.
“Who did this to you?” I asked her
“I did.” I pushed the tears back down, back into my stomach. I had to be the strong one, she needed an adult, not a sister. I was her sponsor, not a friend. I pulled away from her, to look her in the eyes, but she wouldn’t meet mine.
“Lysanne,” I said softly, “Look at me, please.”
“No, because- because then I’m gonna cry- and”
“Sweety, look at me.” I sighed. “Thank you for being honest and for telling me. Now I can help you, but I do need to ask you if you did anything else? Did you use?” My heart felt as if it was about to beat out of my chest, that’s how terrified I was for her answer.
“No, just this.” She wrapped herself up in a self soothing hug.
“Look, I’m going to be honest.” I said. “These will probably not go away all the way. Burn scars are very difficult, and I will have to call down our plastic surgeon for them.”
“Can’t you do it?”
“I can,” I said, “But our plastics unit specializes in burns, so they’re way more qualified for it than I am. Besides, we have a few things to go over together, so this doesn’t happen again.” She sighed, but I could feel the tension lift from the air.
“Do i still need to pee in the cup?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I said, “You do. We agreed to those rules, right?” I handed her the cup.
“I know,” She said, getting up to go to the bathroom. It was a full drug test, meaning there was absolutely no way she was able to fake the results, so I let her.
When she was out of sight, I allowed myself to care. She was fifteen, and already scarred top to bottom. I let out a silent wail, covering my mouth. I didn’t hear the door open, and I froze when I felt her hands on my hips.
“I texted you,” she said, planting a kiss in my neck. I let out the air in my lungs, my hand wiping my eyes. “I wanted to wake up to you this morning, but you were asleep in your own bed I guess.” I was not ready to deal with Myara right now, not today, not right now.
“Hey,” she said, “What happened?”
“Lysanne-“ I said, “She- nothing, never mind.” I wiped my eyes, and forced myself to get it together. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought we needed to talk- about last night.” She said “But that can wait. I can wait.”
“I need to focus on Lysanne today,” I said.
“I know.” She said, leaning against the counter opposite of me. I was waited her out, hoping she’d leave without me forcing her to. “I’m free Wednesday. And Thursday. We can go out, lunch?”
“I’ll have to check with Meredith who’s got the kids that day, and check with Link if he can take Scout, so I can’t say I’m sure I’ll be there."
“Oh,” she said.
“I’m sorry."
“I get it.” She said, “You’re busy.” Myara shrugged, but I saw it in her eyes; I had hurt her. I sighed.
“But-“ I said, before she left, ”ll text you, okay? I promise.” She nodded, a faint smile creeping onto her face. I saw Lysanne stand in the door, holding the cup. Myara turned around, almost bumping in her, seeing the charred circles on her. She gave me a look, and stepped out.
“I forgot my shirt…” Lysanne said, hastily putting it back on. I checked the cup, everything was the color it was supposed to be.
“You’re clear, like you said.”
“Yup.” She sat down. “So, about the burn unit… what do they do?”

Chapter Text

I had wrapped my arms around Lysanne’s shoulders while walking to the burn unit. I had paged the new head of plastics, who I couldn’t remember the name of due to plastics being a revolving door these days. No one stayed after Jackson had left. And with Jackson, I was the only trace of Mark left in this place except the burn unit. I know it’s selfish to think about, but everyone I had grown up with that I actually liked, had died. Every now and then I’d hear Marks name from a resident, asking another plastic surgeon to teach them his stitches. Or when Jackson was still here, teaching his ways. Continuing whatever the plastics posse was. It had meant something, to him, and to me.
But now he was gone, and so was his knowledge, and so were his memories one by one.

“How much does it hurt, though?” Lysanne asked.
“What?”
“Them taking the pieces I- you know, burned- and putting ointment on it?” She looked at me, and her always brave smile and annoyed eyes had been replaced by a teenager who was going to the doctor, pushing her body against mine, the tension in her back making her walk like a stick figure.
“It will hurt.” I said.
“Yeah, you said that, but how much?” She asked.
“I’m trying to think of a good example, give me a second.” I said. I tried, really, but all I could think about were the sparks I saw flying at me when I was in the crash, and realized something was wrong due to the lack of pain I felt. “You know how when a mosquito stings you, and you scratch until you break skin, and then it heals, and it starts itching again, and you peel off the healed skin?” She nodded.
“That’s what it feels like.” I said. “The itching, then the peeling, itching again but then not peeling as it needs to heal.”
“Oh.” Is all she said. I thought about asking her if she wanted me to stay, but I didn’t. If she wanted me to stay, she should ask me herself. I needed to be a sponsor, not a mom, not a friend. This was her mess, I would just guide her to getting it unmessed.

“Dr. Shepherd!” I saw the new plastics guy. Cheekbones that could cut a knife, no wrinkles even though he was obviously over forty. “What a surprise to see you in the burn unit. What brings you here?” He said, putting his clipboards down.
“I have a patient for you.” I said. I nudged Lysanne forward, to the guy who’s name I still didn’t know, as his coat was wrinkled and I couldn’t make out what squiggles I was supposed to see from this side.
“Hello…”
“Lysanne.”
“Hello Lysanne,” He shook her hand, “I’m doctor Pine.”
“Like the stuff a Christmas tree is made off?” She asked, trying not to burst out laughing. I tried not to laugh at her bluntness, instead I stared at his eyebrows, as a form to avoid eye contact.
“Yes, you could say that.” Dr. Pine said, awkwardly shifting his gaze to one of the nurses that was silently choking on his bagel. “What can I do for you?” Lysanne turned her head to me, asking me to tell him.
“She has burns all over her body, I think they’re from cigarets, I have already made a chart for her with her entire history.” I said, handing him the tabloid. He clicked a few buttons, read a few things, and then I saw his eyes go from the tablet to Lysanne, and back.
“She’s your daughter?”
“Oh- no- uh.” I tried to think of a way to not tell this attending I was an addict and her sponsor, that wouldn’t do either of us any good, but especially me. I had nearly recovered from the one time I was publicly outed as an addict eight years ago.
“She’s a friend of my mom’s.” Lysanne said, “We live very close, and my mom has to work a lot, so Dr. Shepherd is kind enough to get me patched up every now and then, you know?” She didn’t look at me, and I was too stunned for how quickly and good she made that up without that showing on her face. This is what she looked like when she lied, this is what her made an addict in essence; the quick, clever, just smart and true enough lies to be believed.
“I see.” Dr. Pine said. “I’m still getting to know all the attendings, forgive me. Well, I’ll take over from here, if you’ll follow me. Dr. Shepherd.” He nodded at me, and I nodded back.
“I’ll text you when I’m done.” Lysanne said, walking behind Dr. Pine to a room. I sighed. Now I knew what she looked like when she lied, it’d be a lot easier to pinpoint the truth from now on. It somehow eased my nerves.

I sighed. I wondered if I had been that good at lying, ever. I must have been, as I was addicted from age 12 to 18, and then from at 25, and 31, but I couldn’t remember anything I had lied about, not one single thing. No one had directly asked me if I was doing drugs, and I never lied if they asked.
At the same time, I was a destruction worse than a hurricane and earthquake together. I drowned everyone out, and I pulled them under the waves along with the gravel and dirt, buried them in words more painful and unkind than I could ever save lives. I tried every day to become better, be a better person, to save lives to make up for the ones I had destroyed.
Even now with Lysanne. I needed to save her, because I hadn’t saved myself.

“You’re frowning,” Meredith said, “You only frown when something’s wrong.” She hung over the desk, trying to grab a pen.
“I am not frowning,” I said, “and nothing’s wrong. I am perfectly fine.” I leaned against the desk, looking at how Meredith was writing something with the newly stolen pen that undoubtedly would disappear in her pocket, leaving the nurses station with one less pen.
“Your frown says otherwise.” Meredith said.
“Who’s frowning?” Maggie said, walking up to us.
“No one.” I said.
“Amelia.” Meredith said. I looked at her with an angry side eye.
“Why are you frowning?” Maggie asked.
I groaned. “I am not frowning. And I am taking my leave now, from the most annoying sisters I have ever had before I punch either of you in the face.”
“She was definitely frowning.” I heard Maggie mutter to Meredith, who’s smile I could feel on the back of my head.

I walked past the film rooms, to the stairs, back to my lab. I had been thinking about what Myara had said, continuing Derek and Callie’s research. It would indeed be perfect, and some sort of last goodbye. But I wasn’t sure I was ready to say goodbye to Derek, not in this sense. It felt both right and wrong to continue, and especially with Myara the way we were.
I skimmed over the pages of research, of Callie cutting out Derek from the process, and how she had been stuck after that. Of Derek and the president, what Meredith had saved for me illegally and which I would never show anyone out of fear and love. It was the only part of Derek no one except Meredith and Maggie knew about. Sacred, almost. Even though he was anything but the latter.

My hands held onto my phone as if I was about to receive a call from a Jeff Bezos offering me ten million, but instead I typed an M and an A into my phone’s contact list. Her name popped to the top of my screen. Myara Johnes (Grey Sloan - Ortho). I did that with everyone, putting their specialty behind their name, it allowed me to search a specialty and select anyone needed when I couldn’t remember their name like with Dr. Pine.
I laughed just thinking about what Lysanne said to him. Like the stuff a Christmas tree is made of… Witty remark, clever, funny. She reminded me so much of me, even her lack of filter.
Myara’s name almost glowed when I looked down at it again. I sighed, and pressed the call button before I could back out. It rang three times, and when someone picked up, I immediately knew it wasn’t Myara.
“Dr. Shepherd?”
“Hi,” I said, unsure whether I should end the call or ask whoever was on the end of the line to ask for Myara. “I-“
“Dr. Johnes is in OR 4. I’m Katie- a nurse.” Just a nurse, I thought, not a secret other lover she kept from me. Idiot, why would you jump there? “Do you need me to ask her something?”
“Yeah- could- could you ask her if she stops by my lab after surgery?”
“Sure,” Katie said. I could hear her mutter what I had asked of her, and I could Myara tell her something before a saw loudly revoked my snooping privilege.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Johnes has a knee replacement right after this. She said she’s available after eight.” That’s nine hours from now. That’s way too long. I needed to speak with her before that. An idea popped into my head, a bad one probably, but I didn’t care. “Dr. Shepherd?” I hung up on Katie, and started walking to the OR floor. I’d just step into her OR real quick, tell her yes.

When I scrubbed, she had her back turned to me. I waited until she took her forceps out of the patient and was putting the needed angled saw into it’s place on the table besides her. Before she could put her foot on the paddle besides her, I stepped in. She heard the doors open, and looked behind her.
I could see her eyes for lines, which meant she was smiling. I said no to the nurse trying to gown me.
“Yes.” I said. I saw some nurses whisper with each other. I assume they had already heard about Link and I - those things never stayed quiet for more than two seconds.
“Yes?” Myara asked?
“Yes,” I said, taking a deep breath, “We will finis Callie and Derek’s research. I-I’m not yet sure how I’m going to do it with Scout, and all, but we will do it. I promise.”
“And you couldn’t wait to tell me after surgery so we could properly celebrate?” She asked, putting the saw down, and her hands up.
“I-“
“I’m joking Amelia, I’m thrilled!” She said. “I’ll find you when I’m out, okay? We’ll talk then. Now out, I gotta saw this diseased bone off and I know how much you hate gutters of blood which happen to be always here with ortho cases.”
“I’ll go. I’ll be in the lab.” I said, turning around. “Good luck with your attempted murder.” I tried not to smile behind my mask, but I hoped she was smiling just as much as me. I had said yes.
“You’re too kind, Amelia.” She snickered. I heard the saw start, and I mistakenly turned around. God, I love brains. Just one organ, a tricky one, but never, ever messy. Ironic, isn’t it? A messy person choosing an unmessy organ.

Chapter Text

hi! as you may have seen I have been away for a very long time. I have been in out of the hospital, replanning exams (because of the unpredictable hospital stays) for school and working. I am finally on a break right now, and I do mean to continue this fic! it is going to be continued!
However, s18 is already out on disney+ now. I have seen it. this means two things: I have to rewrite pre written scenes and delete some of the plot lines as they would clash with the real series as of now. This will take a bit, and this means the scheduling will be more erratic and less often. I know this is a disappointment for some, but my situation doesn't allow for more updates right now. more about that below.

Anyway; I AM CONTINUING THE FIC! I will not abandon it, I hate when that happens too, so I won't. I will also not take shortcuts in my writing which makes you wanna die that I started this off so good (tell me that happens to you guys too, please?) and I hope you will continue to read this fic and enjoy it.

For the people who are interested why I was absent: I was out with covid, and have since developed a lot of complications from it. I've had my tonsils removed due to severe infection after a low immune system due to covid, which isn't a fun operation as a 20 year old, have been readmitted for a complication from it and then I had an weird infection in both my nose and ears which they couldn't figure out. it turned out to be yet another infection after my extremely impacted immune system couldn't handle it anymore but the pain had driven me insane at this point. All while this I still had grades to get, exams to make, and work. I would have liked to be able to update you all sooner, but honestly it was scary. I wasn't sure the pain would ever stop, and I was so sick that I couldn't do anything.

I fully intend to make it up to all of you.

Thank you for the support and patience.

Chapter Text

Reading the research Callie and Derek left us made me realize we would probably also need a vascular surgeon. I had no idea why and how they had not used one, as all these seems way too complicated for just neuro and ortho.
I put my head on the piles and piles of paper scattered around my table. My laptop was somewhere, out of juice and the tablet was horrible to do anything other than edit patient files on it. How many times would I have done this in college? Put my head down like this, on endless piles of papers?
My back already started hurting from the position I was in. A little leftover from my accident and Tom and Meredith fixing my spine. It was probably built up scar tissue that was being compressed why I sat like this, or something that hadn’t healed properly. Either way, I should just not sit like this. We always tell patients who come in “it hurts to go like this” to not go like that, as in eighty percent of the cases them not moving the way should not create a problem. But every once in a while when someone said that, we told them that they were right and their body should be able to move that way. In my case, your head should not be on your spine like that, so I should take my own advice.

My phone rang, somewhere far away. After a second I realized it wasn’t far away, rather that I had dozed off. Not getting enough sleep after Link left so angrily and I kept thinking about Myara would do that me.
‘Hey,” I said.
‘That hurt way more than what you described.” Lysanne sighed.
“I know,” I said, “I didn’t want to scare you into not going. I know how you teens are.”
“Yeah, sure” she said. “Just come and get me, they’re waiting to sign my release papers.”
‘I’ll be there in a second,” I said. I put my phone in my back pocket and made my way back to the burn unit. I saw her sitting on the bed, dangling her feet off of it. I saw a nurse standing over a tablet, probably her paperwork.
“I’m here to pick up Lysanne,” I said, pointing at her. The nurse handed me the tablet, and I signed the forms. I was about to sign the last one, when I saw that it was an unusual one. The ones before were just to confirm her treatment, confirm her medication and confirm her identity etcetera, but this was a form to have her on a psych hold.
“Why is this form here?” I asked the nurse.
“Dr. Pine included it.” She said. I was shooting fire on the inside. If he had read her file, he had know she was getting help and didn’t need to be evaluated again. “But I can page him?”
“Yeah, please.” I said. “Because we are not agreeing to this.”
“What do we not agree on?” Lysanne asked. I wanted to tell her she was going to have to call her mom if this didn’t work out, but I knew how much she hated to call her mother out of work.
“You see this paper?” I asked, handing her the tablet. “It’s a form that allows the doctor to evaluate you.”
“A psych hold?”
“Yeah.” I said.
“Absolutely not.” She said. “I am not going away again. I am done with those places. All they ever do is make you come out worse than before. No, no way. I am not doing this.” She said, tears welling in her eyes.
“I agree,” I told her, getting her hands, “I also think it’s useless and unnecessary.” I could see my words were not reaching her. She was probably spiraling out inside her head, asking herself what she had worked for if she’d be sent back right now.
“You know what?” I said. “I’m calling Richard to sit with you, I’ll go talk with the Christmas tree myself, in his OR.”

When Richard arrived, I was fuming. Idiot, I thought. Plastic surgeon that had done every plastic surgery possible to make him look the way he did, and then doing this. He was clearly not involved with the patients, or else he would have read her file.
I walked past the OR board, looking for his name. OR 6.
I put on a mask, and stepped inside the OR. The gallery was empty. It was a liposuction, something our residents could already do on their own and therefore weren’t medically or educationally necessary. I was happy with that.
“Whose inside my OR?” He asked.
“Hi,” I said, “It’s Dr. Shepherd.”
“Ah, Shepherd! I got your page, I was gonna find you when I was done.”
“Yeah, this can’t wait though. So i came to you.”
“I noticed.” He said. Smart guy, I thought to myself.
“Are you gonna ask your questions?” The gurgling sound of the suction made my skin crawl. People eat after these kind of surgeries. I couldn’t, not even as a resident.
“Why’d you put her on a psych hold?” I asked, holding up my hands. He couldn’t see that, but I was frustrated. I talked with my body when that was the case.
“Because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt before I’d sent CPS over there.” He said. “Thought I’d give you that, as a fellow surgeon.” CPS? Why would he want to call CPS? “The marks on her body, the burns-“ He said, turning off the suction, and turning halfway to me. “She can’t reach that far. I asked her to put her arms behind her back, you know the kind of stretches to determine hyper mobility, and she couldn’t reach 10 percent of the spots.”
“That doesn’t mean she’s being abused?” I said. “I know this girl, I know her mother. She has never show signs of abuse.”
‘Really?” He asked. “Have you read her file? Bruises, self harm. Self harm has a reason, Shepherd. And she is giving off the signs for abuse.”
‘No you don’t understand-“
“Shepherd,” he turned around, putting the suction down, hands up. “I’m telling you this as a medical professional. She is my patient. I am noticing possible signs of abuse on a very scarred teenager, that uses automutilation as a form of coping. What is she coping with? It could be child abuse. You’re too close to this to see it, maybe because you’re friends with her mother.” I was numb. He had read this whole situation completely wrong. She wasn’t being abused, her mother was desperate to find a way to deal with her. She had never touched her.
Although she did threaten to kick her out- but so had my mother when I was her age as an addict.
“You read she’s an addict, right?” I asked. ‘Her mother has never laid a hand on her-“
“Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. Mental abuse creates just as much problems, and would explain why she is taking her problems out on her body. This way she has a physical reminder of the abuse.”
“No-“
“No?” He asked. “Listen, Shepherd. I’m sure you’re a fine doctor, but leave this to me.” He turned around.
A fine doctor?  Was he questioning my medical training, my skill? “What are you saying here?”
“That you have been out of the running for over a year- I heard you took over child care while Dr. Grey was out, had an accident. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mom-“
“Excuse you?” I said. I stepped closer, grabbing a sterile towel from the table. “You are in no position to challenge my medical training. I am one of the leading neurosurgeons in this country. I own part of this hospital.” I stepped closer. “And don’t you dare say that being a mother makes me less capable as a medical professional. You wanna talk about professionalism?” I spat. My anger had surpassed levels I had felt in a while. I wasn’t sure if it was the misogyny or the smugness, but I wanted to grab that suction and jam it in between his ribs. “Start with yourself. You’ve been fired from two hospitals, you haven’t published since residency and you make a living suctioning fat. You wanna talk about professionalism? Start with your own OR.” I turned my back, threw the towel in the wash bin and walked. I grabbed my phone and called Lysanne’s mother.

“Hello?”
“Hi, Samantha?”
“Hello, Amelia. Is Lysanne alright?”
“Well, she showed me the marks on her back, stomach and arms, and our new plastics attending is going to inform CPS.” I said. It was silent for a second. I could hear her brain make the connections.
“CPS?” She asked. “Why?”
“They think she isn’t able to reach all of the spots, and her previous injuries, admissions and addiction lead them to the conclusion-“
“That I am burning my daughters skin?” I stayed silent for a second. I knew CPS is there to save children, but they should not be in this loop. Everything about this was wrong. If I had just done the decrying myself, none of this would have happened. “What am I supposed to do now? I thought she was finally doing better- going to meetings with you, trusting someone, getting help. What is going to happen now?”
“There is going to be a case worker, see if anything seems off.talk to Lysanne, talk with you, your work. The best thing to do is tell them straight up she is an addict, and that she is in recovery. They’ll probably will talk with me, being her sponsor, but I assure you if it’s up to me, this will be shut down asap.” I sighed.
“But it isn’t up to you.” She sighed. “And there is already a CPS file from when her father left us. He took everything, and left us with nothing. I tried everything, but we ended up living in a car for a few weeks. She thinks we made a road trip- she was five- but someone at her school noticed. They got us housing, checked every year and there were never any other flags up until twelve, so I was declared fit to be a mother again. But this is going to ruin that. God, I can’t loose her.” I didn’t know what to say. I hoped I would never have to go through it, and I do not wish this upon anyone.

“If CPS wants to remove her-“
“I’ll take her. I’ll work with you and them to get her back home.” I heard her crying. I felt horrible. I know I hadn’t put her in this position, but I still felt guilty. If Lysanne hadn’t met me, she’d not be in this situation. No, you don’t know that. Not for sure. “If there’s anything I can do-“
“I need to go. Thank you for the heads up.” She sighed. “If she gets to go home, can you have her call me? And if she can’t, can you take her?”
“Of course.” I said. Then a tone rang. She’d hung up. I sighed. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. I sat down on the stairs. I knew I was going to need my strength for this, but right now I couldn’t do it. I covered my mouth with my hand to silence my cries. 

“Dr. Shepherd? I have been running around the whole damn hospital looking for you.” Bailey sat besides me. “I just got a complaint from Dr. Pine, and a resignation based on an unprofessional environment. You wanna tell me what happened?”
“He’s an idiot.” I said, clearing my eyes. “He should leave. He’s no fit for Grey-Sloan.”
"Wanna tell me why?” I sighed. “Because, right now, I’m looking at an HR discussion if it’s even legal for him to be leaving. So I need a damn good reason, Shepherd, not just that you own part of this hospital.” I wanted to scream at her, yell at her to listen, to read the file. But I had no fight left. My eyes started watering again, and I looked at the lights.
Before I had noticed Bailey had me lay my head on her shoulder. Every damn broke inside me. “You really care about this patient, don’t you?” I nodded. I was in no position to speak. I felt guilty, as if I had failed as a sponsor and even mother, even if she wasn’t my child. I had seen her grow these past months, seen her fall on her ass, seen her get interested in surgery. She had such a long way to go, but she was doing it. I worried that this would sent her spiraling. “Shepherd, tell me what happened, cus’ right now I don’t understand the situation.”

Chapter Text

Bailey sighed. “I need to go fix something before it is too late. You need to get to Lysanne, and tell her what is going to happen.”
“What do I tell her, Bailey?” I asked. Even while sitting on the stairs, she was so much smaller than I was, and that said something. I almost looked down on her, which felt inappropriate. She was my boss, and very feisty when she needed to be.
“You tell her,” she said, pulling herself up from the stairs, “the truth. That we are doing everything we can, but despite our best efforts we cannot guarantee-“
“That everything will be alright, and that she’s not out of the woods yet.” I said. I looked up at the ceiling. I half expected to see God laugh at me, laugh at yet another mess in my life. But I saw nothing. There was nothing except blue led lights, and a grey railing.
“are you on the board today?” Bailey asked.
“No, not today.” I sighed. “I was supposed to go celebrate tonight, about continuing Derek and Callie’s research about the nerve trails for amputee’s.”
“Sounds like something that should be celebrated.” Bailey said, opening the door for me.
“But not today,” I got up and followed the Chief out of the house of stairs. She nodded, before putting the phone to her ear. I nodded back, with a quick smile, but she had already turned around. Off to her next problem.

I wiped my eyes, before I realized I had taken the time this morning to put on mascara. “Shit.” I said. A nursing student glared at me, but quickly looked away again. I hadn’t seen her before, she must have gotten in while I was out. She faintly looked like Kathleen when she was younger. The same eager look in her eyes, the same red brown eyes that a certainty to them like she was on top of whatever she sat her mind to.
I had always been jealous of that mindset, that confidence. The one where people seemed to decide they were going to do something, and just did it. Meredith and Maggie had that sway about them, too. Even Winston had it. Whenever I went after what I wanted, it turned into a dumpster fire.

“Amelia!” Shit. “Hey, wait up!” I turned around, seeing a very happy Maggie. I faintly smiled at her, or at least I tried, but she saw right through it. Her face dropped, and her eyes lost the sparkle. I hated when I had that effect on people.
“Are you alright?” She asked, putting her arm on my shoulder. “Walk with me while you tell me what happened.”
“I can’t-“ I said. “I can’t Maggie.” I shook my head, hoping to keep the waterfalls locked where they were.
“Did something happen?” She asked. I nodded.
“With Lysanne?” I nodded again. She stopped us, and put her body in front of mine. She forced eye contact between us, and without speaking a word I knew she got it. I knew she got everything what was going through my mind at this very moment, and I felt relieved. I wouldn’t need to explain to her, she was here to just be here.
“Do you need a hug?”
“No,” I said, “Because then I will definitely fall apart and I can’t have that right now. I need to get things done before I can fall apart, or other people start falling apart, other things start falling apart, and I just can’t-.”
“Okay.” She said. “You’re okay. And I will be only a page away if you need me, okay?”
“Thank you, Maggie.”
“That’s what sisters are for, right?” I smiled. Yes, this was how sisters should be to each other. Maggie might not be my sister through blood, but she was one of the only people who got me. All of me, and still loved me. She was more family than most of my family had ever been, and I was grateful for that.

I was less grateful for the asshole that called himself a doctor that roamed these halls. I put on my game face, and I started heading towards the burn unit. I planned out every word that I was going to say to Lysanne and Pine.
When I stepped through the doors, I saw Lysanne, and I saw Richard and someone I didn’t know. Lysanne looked through me when I met her eyes, and that told me everything I needed to know.
“Where is he?” I asked Richard.
“Talking to Bailey.” He sighed. “I still don’t understand what just happened here. Did he really call CPS on her?” I nodded. I looked at Lysanne, sitting with her legs crossed, her head on them with EarPods in. Her pink crop top had crawled up, and that made the spots visible on her back, sides and arms. Her purple long sleeve laid besides her, and the blue from her hair had stained her neck. She didn’t look like the fighter I had gotten to know over the past few months in AA anymore, something that greatly concerned me. I touched Richards arm, before heading towards her.
“They’re here to take me away again, right?” She asked.
“No,” I said. “They’re here to evaluate if you should be taken away. But not to another hospital.” I tried reading her, but she didn’t move a muscle.
“Then where would they take me?” She asked softly.
I sighed. “They’re people from CPS.” I said. “So if they decided you were not safe at home, you’d be placed in foster care for a little while. Until we get everything sorted.”
Her eyes flashed up. The first reaction I had gotten out of her. I couldn’t determine whether that was good or bad. “CPS? That’s child protective services, right?”
“Yes.” I said.
“Why are they here?” She asked. “I’m not being abused?”
“Dr. Pine rang a bell- and I am trying everything to unring the bell.” I said. “But until that happens, we need to work with them.”
“Do I get to go home?” She asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Do I get to see my mom?”
“I don’t know.” I said again.
“So what do you know?’ She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Because from what I am hearing, you don’t know anything, and you’re not doing anything either.”
“Sweety-“
“Don’t call me that.” She hissed. “I’m not a child, and I am not your child. You don’t get to call me sweety. I asked you to do dress the burns, but you insisted the burn unit would be  better equipped.” I stayed silent. She was telling me all the things I had thought just minutes earlier.
“I guess you were right, though.” She said after a few seconds. “They are better equipped. Better equipped to ruin my life.”
“Lysanne-“
“No.” She said. She wiped her eyes, and I saw her harden in her expression. I had reached her breaking point. “I don’t wanna hear it Amelia, not from you. You have never lied to me before this, and I wish I could say I could understand this, but I can’t. I understand you did a lot for me, but if this is where it ends because of you, I will never forgive you.” Her eyes pierced mine, and all I could see was myself. How angry I had been during those years. My nose being rubbed in this confrontation made that a thousand times worse. I wouldn’t be able to tell her I understood, she would never believe or trust me to get close to her. Not right now, and maybe not ever. And maybe she was right, I thought. Maybe I deserved this.

“Hello Lysanne, I’m Lea, I’m from C-“
“You’re from CPS. I know.” She said. She grabbed her shirt, and walked right past me. “Just take me away from here. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I’ll tell you everything you need, just take me anywhere but here.” Lea looked at me, as if she had just won the lottery, and I looked at Richard.
“Lysanne, please just-“ I tried.
“No, I’m done.” She said. She put her hair in a bun, and only now I could see the blue in it completely. It was a deep ocean blue, a color I had never seen her wear before. It suited her well, though. I think the ocean would suit her even better. The soft sand between her toes, the salt in her hair. Feeling things on the outside.
As i watched her walk away, I felt a hand on my shoulder. “We did everything we could, Shepherd. This is her battle now.” I knew he was right, but it still felt wrong. “But we’ll be here if she needs us.”
“When,” I said, “when she needs us. I need her to need me, Richard. I need her to be okay.”

I wasn’t sure how I had ended up at the lab again, but standing in front of the window, feeling the sun of my face, gave me a longing to be outside. I was overflowing with thoughts. I wanted to run, but with my endurance I would problem reach the parking lot and not be able to catch my breath for the next twenty minutes.
I could go to a meeting. I could talk to someone, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to feel the heat of the sun on my face, my arms. I needed something else to feel, to not feel what was on the inside.

These feelings would have been enough to make me relapse a year ago. And yet somehow, I was keeping it together right now. I walked through the doors of the building, and I was hit with the suns light on my face. I put on my sunglasses, and headed to the coffee cart.
“Vanilla matcha, please.” I said. I still hated the taste, but I needed caffeine if I was going to get through this day. And coffee would not do the trick today.
“Ordering matcha?” Myara. Shit. I thought. I was supposed to go find her after her surgery. “I’m rubbing off of you, aren’t I?” She joked.
“I am so sorry,” I said. “I completely forgot-“
“Forgot what?” She asked. “I was gonna find you, but this works too.” I smiled at her, but it didn’t get past my mouth.

While we waited on our drinks, I soaked in as much sun as I could. I let it touch every neuron it could reach on my skin.
“So,” Myara said, handing me my drink, “When and where do you wanna celebrate? I was thinking Lucians. They have amazing Italian food, and they’re lasagna is to die for. I know I shouldn’t say that in a hospital, but if I needed to choose a dish as my last meal, I’d want it to be this lasagna.” She undid her bun, and her braids covered her shoulders.
I took a sip of my drink. “God, that’s disgusting.”
“Lasagna?”
“No,” I said, “This drink. I can’t stand this taste. I think they forgot my vanilla.”
“Oh, you’ve got mine. I ordered it without anything.” She switched our cups, and took a sip without moving a muscle. “Yeah, this is mine. Sorry about that. Luckily I don’t have any transferable diseases, so we should be fine.” She smiled.

I kept walking, towards the tree. Myara was talking, about her procedure, about dinner. I heard her, but I wasn’t listening.
“You know, I met the muffin man once.” She said.
“What?”
“Oh, so the muffin man gets your attention? Good to know.”
“I’m sorry.” I said. “This day started out great.”
“I know, you told me yes. I love getting told yes.” She laughed.
“But it ended up a nightmare for me today. I want to celebrate, but I can’t today. I’m sorry.” She stopped, and so did I. I looked over the water, my cup in my hand. I should go outside more.
“Did something happen?” She asked. “Loose a patient?”
“I lost someone today, yes, you could say that.” I sighed. “But I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

I enjoyed the silence surrounding us. I could barely tolerate anyone silent, but right now it felt great to me to have Myara here and not need to explain. To just be in this moment.
“Put your drink down.”
“What?”
“I can see the thoughts overheating your brain, so put your drink down.” She said. “And close you eyes.”
“I don’t-“
“Just trust me.” She said. “Can you do that?”
I put my drink down. I was nervous for what she was about to do to me, but I didn’t have the energy to argue about it. “Fine.”
“Thank you for being so open to ideas, Shepherd.” Myara joked. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes.
“Okay. That’s good.” She said. “Now give me your hands.” I hesitated for a second, but did what she said. I had my palm turned upward, and I felt my watch on wrist when she grabbed them. Her hands were soft, but big. Her hands held mine, and I felt the electrical pulses again.
“Follow my movements.” She tightened her grip, and put my hands up. Then one down, then both down, then one up, one to the side. This continued for a while. I felt the tightness leave me chest, and my shoulders. I stopped biting down on nothing and I felt the relieve in my jaw. Then my hands were spin the air, and she stood behind me. She crossed my arms in front of my body, creating a weird pressure. My lungs filled with air, and at the same time my eyes filled with water. Before I could stop it, I noticed I was crying. Again.
“That’s good, Amelia.” Myara said, laying her head in my neck, sending shocks down my body. “Let it all out. You’re safe. You’re safe with me. You’ll always be safe with me.” Her whisper in my ear made me want to turn around and kiss her. I needed to, but my body did not agree.

“What did you do to me?” I asked her, when she finally let go of me.
“A combination of yoga and deep pressure.” She said. Handing my cup, but not letting me look away to drink from it. “It help me a lot when I was a kid. I learned it from a childhood friend of mine. She, uh, she’s autistic, and she used to do this when she was overstimulated. She showed me once, when I was having a panic attack, and I adapted this from her. I can’t explain why, but something about it-“
“Opens up your lungs, and makes you feel like you can get air again?”
“Yes,” she smiled, “That’s exactly what I mean. I think it’s the concentrated motion, that makes you focus on something else, and the hug obviously released hormones that make you feel safe, so, you know… Science.”
“I might need more of those healthy techniques.” I said. “Did she teach you any other coping skills?”
“No,” Myara laughed, “She did inspire me to go into medicine though. We always watched medical shows together, and she kept pointing out all the inaccuracies, and she always talked about how she wanted to go into medicine if she could.”
“Did she make it?” Myara shook her head.
“No. She ended up as one of the researchers for the autism in females study from 2016, made some big statements. I think she would have been a very good neurosurgeon, though. I wish we’d stayed in contact, now I only follow her on Instagram and Facebook. She was the best friend I had ever had.” Myara turned to the water. I could read her, how much she missed her friend.

I thought about Addison. This girl was Myara’s Addison. I should really visit her sometimes. We haven’t spoken in eight years, the same as Charlotte before she had shown up.
“You should call her.” I said.
“You think?” Myara asked. “What if it’s awkward? We haven’t spoken in a decade or so."
“We don’t always get a say if we get to stay in someone’s life, but we do get to try, right? I know I would, if I hadn’t left the things like I did.” I said. “I had friends like that, but we didn’t grew apart. I packed up my life, and moved here. That’s a different kind of situation.”
“Why?” She fiddled with her cup, making one of her braids fall in front of her face.
“Because I have trouble letting people in my life.” I said.
She sighed. “Is it fair to her though? To crash her life like that?”
“It’s just a call Myara, you’re not telling her that you’re moving in. Don’t be so dramatic” I smiled.
“I’m not dramatic?”
“You are though.” I laughed. “But it’s fine, I have kids, I’m used to it.” She scoffed.
“If I was petty, I’d say you are bullying me.”
“I am.” I said, taking a sip of my drink. For a second, my mind wasn’t focussing on anything but her. Her laugh especially. Her eyes had the most beautiful sparkle when she laughed. I wondered how many times I’d get to look at them, where this was headed. I hoped it was headed somewhere. And at the same time I was scared it was heading somewhere, and I didn't know the destination yet.

Chapter Text

“Maggie!” I yelled. “Have you seen my blue sweater? I can’t find it anywhere, and if I don’t find it- I will need to redo my entire outfit for my presentation.”
“The one with the ruffles or the button-down?” She asked.
“Button down.” I sighed.
“About that-“ she said. When I looked up, she handed me a blue something that resembled the sweater I was looking for. “I may or may not have washed it, and accidentally set it on 70 degrees celsius…” I folded the sweater open, and I saw what she meant.
“Maggie!” I hissed. “How? You literally check everything six times! I needed this shirt!” I put it down besides my suitcase. Maybe Zola would want to have it, seeing it was her size now. I sighed. What was I going to wear now? I had planned on my grey pants, blue button down and a grey jacket. I didn’t want to go in black, or white. Most people did that. I needed something memorable, something clean. Something that let me pretend I had my life together, maybe that would help with getting my actual life together.
“You can take my red satin long sleeve?” Maggie said. “Yes, and then you ditch the jacket.” She walked out of the room before I could protest. Red wasn’t usually my color, but I had gotten a slight tan over the summer. When Maggie came back, I knew she was right. It was a deep red, a red that did look good on me, though I never wore it.
“And my hair?” I plucked away at a few styles I wore often, but none of those felt right.
“Half up, curled with your front locks pinned behind your ears.” She said, showing me what she had in mind in the mirror on my dresser. “And wear your silver necklace and bracelet with it. And the heels instead of the flats. You’ll look beautiful, professional and memorable.” She let my hair back down, and started to sort my suitcase.
“I am Amelia Shepherd,” I said, throwing my hair in a ponytail, “my name alone should be memorable. If only for the fact my brother was Derek Shepherd, but I’d say I’m pretty memorable too.” Maggie rolled her eyes.
“You have clothes, make-up, sanitary towels, handgel, jewelry, your notes, tickets and hotel reservations, passport, laptop, phone, chargers, headphones, and an empty bottle to fill after going through customs. You’ve got everything you need.”
“Where would I be without you Maggie?” I blew her a kisshand. I checked everything one last time in my head. I’d speak Friday evening at the neurosurgery conference, Saturday evening at the conference for neuroscientists and Sunday at noon at Hopkins to students who had signed up for my lecture. Busy weekend, but so worth it. I loved mingling with people I’d never see again most of the time. I got to pretend I was confident and had my life together, and no one would doubt it.

“I got this.” I said. I took a deep breath, and looked at Maggie holding my suitcase. I had had the same one for years. There were still stickers on it from when I lived in L.A.
“You got this.” Maggie said. She looked at her watch, and her face dropped. “But you have to go now. As in now. You’ve gotta go now.”
“Already?”
“You should have been gone for at least forty minutes already.” She said. “Go! Go!”
“Okay,” I said, grabbing my backpack and suitcase. “I’ll go. Bye.” I kissed her on the cheek and headed downstairs. I found Link and Meredith in the kitchen, serving breakfast to the herd of kids.
“Amelia, go!” I heard Maggie yell. I couldn’t leave without a kiss from Scout.
“You should be at the airport already.” Meredith said.
“I know but I needed a kiss from my little man.” I said. I picked Scout up from his seat and smelt his head. “Mommy is gonna teach new generations of neurosurgeons and neuroscientists this weekend. Isn’t that exiting? Yes, it is.” I looked at my son’s smile, and all the stress from the minutes earlier left my body.
“Amelia!” Maggie said.
“Alright, I’ll go.” I said. “Bye bye. Bye bye baby.” I kissed Scout one last time, waved at Meredith and passed Maggie. I nodded awkwardly at Link before dragging my suitcase out the door. I took a breath, threw my bag and suitcase in my car and sped out the driveway.

When I looked at my watch again, I had only an hour left to get through customs and security. Why did I always have to be late with these kind of things? I could have packed my days Monday, but no, I had waited to do so the day of leaving for the event. Again.
I thought about what I was going to say at Hopkins. I had my presentation for the conference ready, but I hadn’t been standing in front of students like this in a very long time. The last time I had done a lecture this size, allowed questions when they had them, and taught instead of told was when I was preparing for Hermann’s surgery. I’d have to adapt my presentation for this kind of teaching.
“Hi,” I said, handing off my passport to security. I could see her name was Ellie. She checked it, and then the computer. Then she looked at me again, and back to the computer. It got me worried. “Is something wrong?”
“Your passport should have been renewed half a year ago.” She said. Shit. Shit, this was not happening.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” I groaned. I should’ve looked at my passport. I knew I had to renew it soon, but I had forgotten we had a whole pandemic ruin everything. I probably pushed it off and forgot about it. And now here I was.
“You’re eligible for a temporary one, but you’re gonna miss your plane. It takes a while.” Ellie said.
“When is the next one?” I asked.
“At 7 today. But it’s a commercial flight instead of a business plane, Mrs. Shepherd.”
“That’s fine,” I said, “I’ll pretend I’ll go on vacation instead of speaking at conferences this weekend.” She smiled, and took my passport from me. She handed it to a guy next to her behind a desk, instructing him to print me a temporary passport. He started the paperwork, and directed me and my luggage to a special room. It was all glass, with a very big, wooden table. There was a vending machine, and a tap for water. I was through customs, so I decided to fill my bottle now. Free liquids at the airport. Maggie was so smart to have thought of that. I’d just buy juice most of the time, but this way better. Better for the planet.
“Mrs. Shepherd?” I looked up from tapping my water. “Do you have an up to date picture for you passport? We can’t use your old one anymore, our systems won’t allow it.”
“I must have something… somewhere.” I said. I laid my luggage on the table. I opened my folder of reservations and important information, but there weren’t pictures suitable for a passport. Only of Scout.
“We have a photobooth, Miss, if you haven’t got anything useable.”
“That’s a better idea.” I was escorted to the booth, threw in my quarter, and handed to security man my pictures. After what felt like hours, I got handed a pink booklet.
“This is your temporary passport. You will be able to use it for two week for national flights. You cannot use this internationally, okay? You will not be let into the country in that case until an embassy gets your new passport. We have also put a stamp on your original passport. You need to show both at the gates and security from where you’ll be flying. Do you have any questions?”
“I.. No, i think I’m good.” I nodded, slipping the old passport and the temporary one in the pockets of my jacket, together with my boarding pass.
“In that case,” the man said, giving me a firm hand, “I thank you for your patience and wish you save travels.”
“Thank you. Have a nice day.”
“You too, Miss.”

I walked past the Burger King with heavy feet, and waited at the plant seating spot. I had been sitting there for over three hours, making it 6 in the evening now. My plane would go out at 7, meaning I’d be there around 2 in the morning. I should call the hotel, ask if they can come pick me up. Nothing would be driving me there otherwise.
I dialed the number from the folder Maggie had put in my bag. After a few seconds someone picked up.
“Hotel Aravienna, this is Mandy speaking, how can I help you today?”
“Hello,” I said, scratching my throat, “I, uhm, I have a booking for this weekend, and my flight got delayed-“
“What’s the name, Miss?” She interrupted, with the best customer service voice I had ever heard. I always wondered what my customer service voice would sound like. There was no way anyone spoke like that in real life.
“Shepherd, Amelia. It should be booked in the conference wing, for Hopkins.” I read from my folder.
“I see it.” She said. “So, what seems to be the problem Miss?”
“My flight got delayed, and I won’t be there until 2. The problem is, nothing drives at 2 in the morning. I was wondering if there was a shuttle bus available? Maybe a car, or someone else that’s flying in at the same time?”
“We can sent a shuttle bus, that’t absolutely no problem at all.” I heard her nails click on the keyboard, and I heard her say something to someone probably at the desk. “Is there anything else we can do to make you stay more comfortable, Miss Shepherd?”
“Is your kitchen still open at that time?” I asked. I had caved. I thought I’d grab a bite here, but hotel food was included anyway and ten times better than a whopper anyway.
“It normally isn’t, but I can ask the chef to make something and have it put in your room?”
“Mandy, you’re a lifesaver.” I said. I heard her chuckle.
“We have a soup of the day, carpaccio wraps and a cheese fondue today. I’d recommend the carpaccio, it won’t cool off if there happens to be traffic at that hour.”
“Sounds perfect.” I said. “Thank you, Mandy.”
“Alright, thank you for calling Miss Shepherd. We’ll have someone waiting at the fountain with a shuttle bus. Have a good-“ she was silent for a second, “evening and night, then.” Mandy said
“Thank you again.”

I stared at the take off’s from other planes. I could have already been in Baltimore by now, if I had gotten my passport updated. I got my phone, and opened my chat with Maggie to tell her what just happened. A few seconds later I got an ‘omg’ back.

“Flight 2168, Frontier Airlines from Seattle to Baltimore, now boarding at gate H5. I repeat, flight 2168, Frontier Airlines from Seattle to Baltimore, now boarding at gate H5.”
The announcement grabbed my attention, and I started stuffing my laptop back in my suitcase, before heading to the gate. H1, H2, H3.. H5. Found it, I thought.
“Welcome aboard. We wish you a safe flight.” I nodded at the flight attendant, and handed her my passports. She stamped both, before handing them back. I shoved the in the backpacker of my backpack, and headed into the tube.
I was greeted by more attendants, and put my suitcase in the space above my seat. I put my backpack in the compartment under my seat, and waited.

As a kid I loved flying. It meant we were going somewhere new, and anything was better than staying at home. But the older I got, the more scared I got of planes. Maybe it had something to do with the plane crash Mark, Meredith and Derek were in years ago, maybe it was my adult brain assessing risk more carefully. Maybe it was the fact I had a child now. I don’t know.
I thought about all the times I had flown out to Addison ranch. About all the times I flew home from university, and back. Or the countless trips I had taken with friends, or with Tom when he had been my mentor and flew us out for the most outrages cases he could find.

Sometimes I missed residency and being a fellow. It felt like I had the power, but there was also mystery. Now mystery was often disguised in just a very complicated way of fixing the problem. It didn’t feel new, it didn’t feel refreshing.
I didn’t care about the awards. The Catherine fox’s, the noble prize or any other prize. I just wanted to solve diseases. Alzheimers, Parkinsons. Any other neurodegenerative disease. Maybe that was why I had accepted Myara’s invitation to continue the research: it would get me back into research. Back into new steps, new ideas, new knowledge. Expanding my horizons.
But also working on Derek’s research. Like a normal brother and sister, even while he was dead, I still got my childhood dream of doing research with my big brother. I wondered if he would be proud if he could see me now.

“Hello, and welcome aboard. Im Mike, I’ll be your pilot today. If you could all put your phones on airplane mode, put on your seatbelts and watch the flight attendants for the instructions in case of emergency…”
The flight attendants did their routine of inflating the yellow cushion, the oxygen masks and the ways to exit the plane. I watched, and when they were done the plane started taxiing.
“Here we go, people.” The pilot said. I took a breath, and before I knew it the feeling of a rollercoaster washed over me. I knew it was simple adrenaline caused by G-force, nothing more, and still I couldn’t get my heart rate back to normal when we were in the air. “That was lift off, enjoy your flight and if you need anything just push a call button and our staff will be with you shortly. Thank you for choosing Frontier Airlines this evening.”
And with that, I settled on trying to get some sleep, even if I wasn’t tired. I’d need my energy and focus this weekend, and maybe not having a crying child would make that possible for just three days. Even if I already missed my boy, I was excited for this trip.

Chapter Text

When Amelia left for Baltimore, she hadn’t spoken to Lysanne in three days. Lysanne often stopped speaking to her when she was mad, or otherwise overflowing with emotions, and Amelia knew that. She knew the girl needed space, and in time, be back. It was their thing.
But this time was different. 

Lysanne had been picking fights in school with the other girls in her class. Her foster parents had been called in every day. They seemed like nice people, but Lysanne hated what they stood for. Foster parents were for children from broken homes, for children who’s mothers were to busy scoring dope and having sex with lousy men. Those were the kind of children who should be given foster parents. She didn’t see herself as fitting in any of those pictures.
And she was so mad at Amelia. Not only mad, but disappointed. She had asked her debris her arm, but she sent her away, and then that doctor called CPS on her.
And now she was here. In the office of the principal for the third time week. She covered her ribs with her left arm, and held herself up with her right. Any other way of sitting, she could feel the bruises she had going on. Lysanne blamed herself, but she also had felt more alive than she had felt in a very long time. The moment her hand hit that girls face, and she felt her jaw break, was the best feeling in the world. She hadn’t expected the girl to kick her in her ribs afterwards.
But the best feeling was that Amelia had no idea she was doing all of it. She kept it from her sponsor, and she felt more power than she had ever done before. She was better than Amelia.

“Lysanne, I’m asking you something.” Principal Henderson said.
“I know.” She said. “I just don’t care. I hit her, felt her jaw break, she kicked me in the ribs and now we’re here.”
“My daughter would never-“ the mother of the other girl started.
“Whatever, say that to the bruise on my ribs woman.” Lysanne mouthed off.
“Excuse me-“
“People! Please, I’m trying to get a picture of what happened here. I understand you’re going through a rough time, Lysanne, but-“ principal Henderson started.
“With all due respect, sir, you haven’t got a clue. I am fifteen. Fifteen. I have been in active addiction for over 2 years. I have 124 days sober behind me, and some crazy ass doctor called CPS on me, removes me from my home, my environment that’s keeping me sober, and hands me over to a strange family who’s son tries to feel me up every time they leave the house. I’m a lesbian! I’m an addict, and I have no family felt by my side! I’m not sure my sponsor is ever going to speak to me again because I yelled her, the same way I’m yelling at you right now, and my foster family isn’t even here right now because they’ve already made the call for me to be placed somewhere else. I have nowhere to go, and nothing to lose.” It was quiet for a second. Mirada, the girl Lysanne fought with, stared at her feet. “And for the record? I would’ve ended her if Mrs. Travis wouldn’t have held me back. I would have, sir. I might be a pain in the ass, I know that, but at least I am a decent human being, who loves honesty. And the truth is, that girl is a snake, and a backstabbing bitch. She has been pestering me since the day I got here, because I don’t fit her standards. I’m not pretty, I don’t have bleach blonde hair and eyelashes and brows that get waxed. She hates me for existing. And I am done trying to fit a perfect bitches standard.”
All hell broke loose around Lysanne, but she didn’t hear another word. Everything flew over her head, right past her. She sat there, until someone came looking for her. It was her foster mother, but she didn’t say a thing. The car ride was silent, and the way up to her room was silent.

Lysanne had slowly been making up with the world these last three days. Give back the karma she thought others deserved, say the things she had choked back for years, and got her affairs in order. When she said she wanted to be anywhere else but here to Amelia, she had meant it.
Lysanne had secretly hoped Amelia would come and get her. She hoped Amelia cared enough for her to forgive her yelling, and just come and get her. But she didn’t, and she hadn’t. So, she got her affairs in order. At first she had wanted to run away, but she didn’t want to die in a city where no one knew her, where no one would be able to identify her as anything else than Jane Doe. She had seen it happen in Grey- Sloan: people dying in the hospital and staying for weeks, months in the morgue unclaimed. She didn’t want that for her body.

She had written everything down, into details, as of what to happen to her body afterwards. She wanted to be buried in a natural grave yard, be food for the trees, animals. It seemed horrible, to be ripped apart by animals, but it was the circle of live. If we humans hadn’t evolved the way it did, it would be how we would up even nowadays. Lysanne wanted to give her body back to nature. Hoped it could do more with her as substance than living.
She read over her wishes one last time, and put them in the envelop. So did she with the letter to her mother. And then she looked at her notepad, where she had scribbled something resembling a letter for Amelia. 

And then Lysanne moved in flashes. She remembered getting the scalpel she stole from Grey - Sloan, the one she and Amelia had used to cut into the kind of flesh residents and interns practice sutures on. Amelia had taught her, and it helped with her cravings, but this was no craving. This was determination.
She put the blade to her arm, and then it got black.
When Lysanne’s foster parents got upstairs, there was blood everywhere. Hank bandaged her arms as good as he could, and Wilma called 911.

“Richard,” Meredith yelled. “We have an incoming, four minutes out. Suicide attempt.” When Meredith met his eyes, he looked defeated. “I know.” She said.
“As if this pandemic didn’t take so much already.” He sighed. “Alright, let’s get trauma room one ready, this doesn’t need an audience.” The nurses started moving, setting up tables, medication and a portable monitor.
“They’re pulling up!” Meredith yelled. Richard headed out and watched them unload her.
“Fifteen year old female, attempted suicide, lost around two liters of blood, has been getting a transfusion and saline in the field, BP 67 over 42.” Richard grabbed onto the gurney, and saw who was on his table.
“Lysanne?” He asked. “Is this Lysanne Field?” He asked the paramedic.
“You know this girl?”
“Yes.” Richard said. He rolled her to the trauma room, sweating. “Page Maggie Pierce.”
“What do we got?” Meredith asked.
“Lysanne.”
“No.” Meredith said. “No, no this can’t happen. Amelia isn’t here. Has someone called her?”
“I got it. I’ve got Maggie on her way, you call her. You tell her if she hasn’t boarded that plane yet she gets back her. Now!” Meredith ran out. She ran up the stairs to the attending lounge, to her locker. She had put her phone there, to charge. The one day she forgets to charge her phone, she needs it on the floor. Damnit, Meredith thought. After everything, Amelia didn’t need this. She was finally doing good. Genuinely good. She didn’t need this.

“Meredith?” Teddy asked. “Where are you going?”
“No!” She yelled back. Teddy looked after the woman, watch her turn the corner and started heading to the ER.
Meredith opened the door, forced her lock and grabbed her phone. She dialed Amelia, and waited. One, two, three.. why wasn’t she picking up? “Come on, Amelia. Pick up, pick up damnit!” She called again, and again. But it kept going to Amelia’s overly cheerful voicemail. Meredith started walking, back to the ER. She found Teddy and Maggie working to stop the bleeding, and Richard just standing over her.
“We need to get up to the OR. She is getting groggy and fighting us. We have to hold her steady to repair the damage she did to her nerves, veins, skin. Call the OR.” Teddy yelled.
“I’m on it,” Maggie said. “And I’m calling vascular. We need more hands.”
“I’m hands,” Meredith said. “I’ll do it.”
“Good, because we’ve gotta go, now.” Teddy said.
“Richard, keep calling Amelia with my phone until she answers. I think she’s already in the air, but she needs to know what is happening as soon as she lands.”
“Will do.” Richard said, taking over Merediths phone. Teddy, Meredith and Maggie moved together. She was under as soon as possible.
“What’s the plan?” Meredith asked."
“Get her veins fixed, see what nerve damage we have and if we can fix it, and then fix her up in the hope her scarring is minimal. Although, minimal scarring usually means scars for live with these kind of- things.” Teddy said. “Clamp, Bohkee.”
“Bovie.” Maggie said. “This is- I- I- don’t know. Did she and Amelia have a falling out? No, Amelia would’ve told us, right?” She looked at Meredith. “Right?”
“She did.” Meredith said. “She came in the other day, Amelia turfed her to the burn unit, you know, logical, but the plastics guy- what was his name again, Pine? Whatever, he called CPS on her."
“CPS?” Teddy asked. “Is she being abused?”
“Not at all.” Meredith sighed. “Her mother is barely holding it together, her kid is in recovery… it’s rough.”
“So she and Amelia did have a falling out?”
“Kind off,” Meredith retracted the flesh of the girl, “She yelled at Amelia, Amelia let her cool off and now…”
“Now she’s on our table, Amelia’s halfway across the country with no idea what’s happening here and she-“ Maggie hand gestured at Lysanne, “Will never be able to look at herself again without seeing the damage she has done to her body.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing.” Teddy muttered under her breath.
“How is that a good thing? She- she’s completely- she tried to kill herself, okay? No one recovers from that.”
“I did.” Meredith said. And in that split second, she knew she messed up. Teddy and Maggie hadn’t been here when she drowned herself. They hadn’t been here when she had stuck her hand in a body cavity to get out a home-made explosive device. Teddy had been here when she offered herself to a shooter, but Maggie hadn’t.
“You tried to kill yourself?” Maggie asked. “When?”
“I-“ Meredith sighed. “We- we should focus on Lysanne."
“No,” Maggie said. “You gotta tell me, because now I need to know if I have to put you on suicide watch.”
Meredith stayed quiet for a while. Maybe she shouldn’t tell them. They’d never look at her the same again. At the same time, she had already said it, it was already out and in the known now. She should just say it- but it was hard. It was hard to talk about, no one talked about it. 
“You don’t have to tell us, Meredith.” Teddy said.
“No, no you do.” Maggie said.
“Do we have to do this now? Clamp, Bohkee.” Meredith asked.
“We’re stuck in surgery anyway, might as well do it now. I’m not backing down until you tell me, because I need to know you’re okay, and that you’re gonna be okay.” Maggie said. Meredith took a breath. She might as well do it now, Maggie would never let her off her watch now if she didn’t tell her.

“When I was an intern, I was on the scene of a ferry boat crash. I was tagging a patient very close to the docs, and everything in my life was just- it was too much. I fell into the ice cold water, you know, by the crossing, and I- I gave up. I stopped swimming. When they got me here, downstairs, I had been dead for three minutes. They kept trying and luckily I had no defects, but yeah- I was very, very dead. I gave up on life. Bovie please, thank you.” Meredith sighed. “And before that, I stuck my hand into a body cavity with unexploded ammunition. By choice. And after that, I uhm, I offered myself to the shooter that shot up the hospital.”
“You offered yourself to Gary- Gary what’s his name?” Teddy asked.
“Gary Clark.” Meredith muttered.
“Right. He shot Derek, and Owen. Christina was traumatized for months after that.”
“Because I tried to give myself up to him to make sure Lexie, Richard and Derek would live, in front of Christina… I couldn’t live without them, so I told him to shoot me instead.” Meredith sighed.
“I never knew that.” Teddy said. She looked at her friend in awe and disbelief. “I could’ve helped you, Grey, I was in the army. I could’ve helped you."
“We weren’t friends then, Teddy. You were my superior, and honestly, I thought you were all rainbows and candy back then.” She muttered.
“I know. I was very chirpy, wasn’t I?” Teddy sighed. “I’ve got a bleeder, bovie please. Clamp. But still.”
“Why haven’t you told me any of this?” Maggie asked.
“Because,” Meredith started. “I didn’t want you to think I’m dark and twisty.”
“Mer-"
“Listen, now you know, can we please fix this girl so Amelia doesn’t come back to a funeral? Richard, has she answered yet?” Meredith tried to shift the conversation off of her.
“Dark and twisty…” Teddy muttered into nothingness.
“She’s not picking up.”
“Damnit.” The three whispered.

They kept working on Lysanne until she was patched up. Surgically, at least. When they rolled her into a room, Richard decided to stay with her.
“We uhm, we should put her on a psych hold. At least until Shepherd gets back.” Richard said. “I’ll stay with her until she wakes up. I’ll talk to CPS, her mom. I’ve got this. You three go save some lives.” He sat down, and watched over the small girl. Her blue hair was messy, and if he had know how to braid hair, he would’ve done it for her. But not having kids meant he had never leant how to do it.
He thought about it. Meredith may not be his biological child, but he had seen her grow up, taught her how to be a surgeon, and watched her spread her wings. He had the opposite with Maggie. And then there was Amelia. There was no real, logical connection. But he felt responsible for her in the way only a father would. She came to him with things, he would get told of by her when he was being stubborn, or otherwise unreasonable. She came to him about Lysanne, and before about Betty.

“Amelia?” Meredith asked. Her phone finally didn’t go to voicemail anymore.
“Mer?” Amelia asked. “What’s going on?”
“You didn’t pick up your phone! I tried calling you seven times. Why didn’t you pick up?” Meredith yelled in the phone. Richard stood behind the door of Lysanne’s room, trying to listen on what was happening outside.
Amelia rambled on, eventually asking what was going on.
Meredith sighed. “It’s Lysanne.”

Chapter Text

“Ladies, gentlemen and gentlethems, we will be landing in half an hour. We will be descending through the clouds in a minute, so if you could start to head to your seats, and fasten your belts, we can start landing shortly. I hope you enjoyed your flight and we hope you will choose Frontier Airlines next time you’ll have to be in the air. It was a pleasure being your pilot.” The lights above my head turned on, and I heard some shuffling in the back from people trying to get back into their seats. I looked at my phone. It was 1:28 in the morning, meaning I had slept through the entire flight. My left sore, and I tried to stretch as far as possible in my seat to make them feel like they were part of my body again.

“Are you Amelia Shepherd?” The woman besides me asked. She looked about twenty-seven, very put together and fierce.
“Yes,” I yawned. “Are you in need of medical assistance?”
“No, no,” she said, “I uhm- I am a student at Hopkins. I signed up for your lecture on Sunday, and I can’t believe you’re sitting next to me on a plane!”
I smiled. “Nice to meet you…” I held out my hand, hoping she would give me her name.
“Aylean,” she said, giving me her hand.
“Nice to meet you Aylean.” She gave me a very rough handshake. “It’s always nice meeting students who are excited about my research.”
“Oh man, I’m not just excited, I’m ecstatic! You are like- like a celebrity to me. But only so much better. I still can’t believe I’m sitting next to you, Dr. Shepherd. I have so many questions lined up for Sunday. You are actually the reason I’m going into neurosurgery.” I raised my brow at her, and nodded. “Yeah, I read your research about Nicole Hermann, and I watched the tape, and then I just knew. I knew, neuro would be my specialty.”
“What year are you in?” I asked.
“I’m in my seventh year.” She said. “I have to choose a fellowship soon, but I haven’t decided yet. There are so many good fellowships out there… and it feels like a betrayal if I leave Hopkins. I have been here since my intern year.” She sighed. “I’m sorry. I am rambling, and you don’t know me, and you’re so awesome and I’m just dumping my entire career onto you… I’m sorry. You must think I’m an idiot.” She groaned. I smiled. I wasn’t used to people treating me like this. Most of the time I was just dr. Shepherd, the little sister of the Dr. Shepherd who worked for the president, who was my sister-in-laws husband or something like that. People saw me as Amelia first in my life, instead of Dr. Shepherd like Aylean did. It was nice, having someone see me as an example, even if I may not always be the best.
“Well, if you got into Hopkins, you’re hardly an idiot. Especially if you’re under Tom Korcick.” I said.
“I am.” She said.
“Thought so. He has a special eye for diamonds in the rough.” I said. I looked her up and down. I saw a slight pink streak in her hair. It was uncoventional, but it also suited her. She was wearing a silver charm necklace, with something attached. She had peaked my interest. “Let’s hear your options, then.” I said. She seemed sweet enough. She seemed like me when I was nervous.
“Really?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I said. I shifted in my seat, crossing my legs and bowing a bit forward towards her. “I mean, we’re descending, and I have seen almost every neurosurgery fellowship, so I might have some insights for you.”
“I have the option of working under Dr. Koracick at Hopkins. Or Dr. Daniels at Mayo.”
I shook my head. “No, Mayo is for cardio and vascular,” I said. “I didn’t even know they had a neurosurgery program. If you wanna be an outstanding neurosurgeon, you should not be going to Mayo.”
“I also have an offer from San Fransisco Medical Center under Dr. Letelli, who specifies in pediatric neurosurgery and spine deformities. That one seems really interesting, she seems like a really great surgeon, and her research is stellar. It’s not as good as yours of course-“
“I’ve worked with her a few times.” I said. “She’s good. And San Fransisco is very good. They get a lot of good cases. I read her research about glioma’s in teens, and her approach has saved me a few times in surgery.”
“Really?” Aylean asked. “Who did you do your fellowship under?”
“Tom,” I said. “He was the only who wanted to work with me.”
“I can’t imagine that,” she scoffed, “there is no way only Tom wanted to work with you. You published more during your residency than any other student in your year, and even now you’re the one to watch.” When she saw my face, hers dropped. “I didn’t mean it like that, Dr. Shepherd- I”
“Aylean,” I said. “I’m not mad, you remind me of myself when I was your age. Only with more options. I wasn’t always the ‘Dr. Shepherd’ I am now. Tom was the only one who wanted to teach me neurosurgery on the level I was at.”
“Why?” She asked. Her eyes were looking at my shoes, and her hands were circling a cup. “I mean, you turned out to be one of the best this country has ever know.”
I nodded. “Like I said, Tom has an eye for diamonds in the rough.”
“So I should take his fellowship?”
“You should do what makes you feel like the best. You’ve got two great options, both are amazing programs and mentors. I mean, if I were you, now, I’d have a hard time choosing, too.” I said. She smiled, and before I could ask her about the questions she had saved for Sunday, the pilot told us we were landing.

“I’ll see you Sunday.” I shook her hand, and left my seat.
“Absolutely. Thank you, Dr. Shepherd.” I waved one last time, and stepped through the gate from the plane. I saw a hotel clerk holding a sign with my name, and waved at him.
“Good evening, Dr. Shepherd.”
“Please, call me Amelia.” I said, shaking his hand. “And thank you, for picking me up.
“That’s not a problem.” He said. “I’m Michael, I’ll be your ride to the hotel. If you would follow me.” He pointed to the exit, and grabbed my suitcase. We walked off, and when I came outside the hall, I saw a red bus, with the hotel’s name and logo. A small waterfall.
It reminded me of the Seaside Wellness logo. I noticed how, these last few weeks, I had been thinking about my life in L.A. a lot. I really should visit sometime. See Addison, Charlotte. I missed L.A. but not in the way I used to. I used to miss the life I had. The free, chaotic life. Derek had never been there, even though he was friends with the people I worked with, he had never been Dr. Shepherd to them. I had been Dr. Shepherd to them, before I was Amelia. It was slightly weird, but they never saw me as less of a surgeon as him. I had never felt like I was the replacement.
I still struggled with that sometimes, here, in Seattle. I felt like I hadn’t left my mark yet, like I hadn’t pissed against enough tree’s to mark my territory or something. I had done some incredible things, but it never felt “good enough.” Not to me. That may sound selfish, but honestly, I was allowed to be a little selfish. At least when it came to my career. Derek worked for the president, had an Alzheimers trial. When would I do something that got me some genuine recognition? When would I get to do something so amazing it would be good enough for me?

“Dr. Shepherd- sorry- Amelia, we’re here.”
“Already?” I asked. I looked away from the lights I saw outside.
“We’ve been driving for forty minutes. But I guess you were in your own world a little.” Michael said. “Do you want me to put your suitcase in your room?”
“Yes, please.” I said. I undid my seatbelt, and slid open the door. I jumped out of the bus, and felt the fresh air through my hair. I was supposed to go to New York eight months ago, but after everything I hadn’t had the energy to do so. It felt good, the east-coast air on my skin. I grew up here. I went through residency here. And yet, it didn’t feel like home anymore. There was a time I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere else than the east-coast, but now I can’t imagine living here. Maybe I should’ve moved to Kansas.

“If it isn’t Dr. Amelia Shepherd.” I heard behind me. I couldn’t place the voice, and turned around. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw who had just said my name.
“What are you guys doing here!” I said, hugging Callie her before moving onto Arizona.
“Arizona is speaking at the conference tomorrow, and I saw your name on the brochure, so I thought I’d ask you what you taught of the present I sent you? You know- the very handsome, green eyed, twisted ortho God I trained.” Callie said.
“I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I heard you had a baby, congratulations!” Arizona said, hugging me again. I smelled bourbon. That explained what they were doing in the hotel lobby at 2 in the morning, almost 3 even.
“Thank you,” I said to Arizona, before turning to Callie. “And I got your present just fine.” I looked at my shoes. I wondered if Myara had told her anything. Anything about - us.
“Fine?” Callie asked. “I sent away my best fellow I have ever had to you, and she’s just ‘fine’ to you? Maybe I’m going to steal her back.” Arizona pushed her elbow in Callie’s ribs. They thought they were slick, but they hadn’t changed one bit.
“I wanna know everything.” Arizona whispered. “But I seem to be -a little, just a little- drunk, right now. And so is Callie. We thought you wouldn’t get here until tomorrow- wait it’s already today. Should we do breakfast together? Yes, we should. I- we- invite you for breakfast tomorrow at 10 ish?” Arizona mumbled. I smiled.
“Sounds like a plan. I’d love to tell you guys what’s been happening, and I wanna know what’s going on up here!” I said.
“Good. Me too.” Callie said. “Goodnight, Dr. Shepherd.”
“Dr. Robbins, Dr. Torres.” I nodded, before grabbing my backpack off the floor. My suitcase should already be in my room. Room 347, east wing of the hotel, fifth floor.
I watched as my two intoxicated friends waddled off to the stairs, while I tried to find an elevator. I wasn’t going to walk five stories of stairs if I didn’t need to. I pressed the button, and waited. We made a stop at the fourth floor, and then I reached my floor.
“East wing…” I mumbled. I looked at the map I had gotten from Michael. “321, 322. Should be this way, right?” I stuffed the map back into my pocket, switching it for my keycard. I held it against the door, and voila, it opened. 

I looked around the room I’d be spending my time in for the next three days. The walls were a deep green, with black and gold flowers decorated all over the place, even on the curtains. I had a wooden desk, and a very comfortable-looking chair in the corner next to my fridge. I dropped my backpack on my bed, and opened the door to the bathroom. It was very white, compared to my room. The details were black and green, with a golden showerhead and a golden tap. Whoever had designed the bathrooms, needed to redo them. The room was gorgeous, though. I hadn’t even seen the life sized mirror behind the door when I came in.

My phone pinged. It was Meredith. 111. I clicked the icon on my phone, and it didn’t even get the chance to ring once before she picked up.
“Amelia?”
“Mer?’ I asked. “What’s going on?”
“You didn’t pick up your phone! I tried calling you seventy-eight times. Why didn’t you pick up?” She sounded like she had ran a marathon.
“I was in the air, Meredith. I landed an hour ago, I have been in my hotel for all of ten minutes. What’s so important you couldn’t wait to call me tomorrow, or text me? I’d like to get some sleep, preferably before my conference and speaking to a thousand people.” I sighed.
“It’s Lysanne.” She said. My heart dropped, and my hand went numb. “She just got admitted to the hospital. Richard is taking care of her, she is going to live, but I thought you would want to know.” Lysanne. Lysanne got admitted. I checked my texts immediately, but there were none. She was supposed to text me, call me when she wanted to do everything AA wouldn’t let her. She was supposed to text when she was in trouble, or when something happened. I got I was the enemy to her right now, but I had honestly thought she’d text me. Maybe even just an angry text, telling me how much she hated me. I would’ve understood that. But this? This I didn’t.
“Amelia? Are you still there”
“Yea- yes. I’m here.” I said. “What- uhm- what happened? Did she- did she OD?” I asked, running my hand across my nose. It was quiet. It was quiet for too long.
“Meredith, did she OD?” I asked again.
“No,” I heard Meredith sigh. I let out the breath I had been holding waiting for Meredith to answer me, and inhaled shakily.
“Okay.” I said, a blanket of relieve fell over me. She hadn’t done this to herself, something else had happened. “What happened? Tell me what happened, Mer, please. Was she in an accident, or?”
“Her fosterparents said she got into a fight at school today, and came home covered in bruises. She didn’t want to talk with them, and went to her room. They gave her space, but when they went upstairs to tell her diner was ready-"
“Damnit Meredith, I don’t want a whole audiobook! What. Happened to her?”
“She tried to kill herself. She tried to kill herself, Amelia.” 

I felt the phone slip from my hand, and the blood that was supposed to go to my brain didn’t anymore. I dropped to my knees, feeling the hard floor against my hands and knees. I wasn’t sure if the blurry spots in my eyes were from the overwhelming feeling of guilt or from the tears in my eyes, but I wasn’t seeing anything. I didn’t see where I dropped my phone, to hang up, and book a ticket home. Air. I needed air. But my legs felt sore and heavy, and so did my heart. I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to help her. This was on me. She might not have been on my operating table, but this still my fault.
I heard someone faintly call my name, but I didn’t care. My lungs filled and deflated, over and over again. My chest hurt, and if I weren’t a doctor I’d think I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t catch my breath, and my hands were covered in tears. I tried smothering my wails with my hand, but it only made them ring louder in my ears. There was a headache starting from the lack of oxygen I had, and it was getting black in front of my eyes.
Breathe, Amelia, breathe. Five things you can see. The flowers, my hands, my open suitcase, my backpack. One more. The light switch. Breathe, Amelia. I slowly felt the numbness in my limbs subside, but the oncoming headache was only getting worse.

Meredith, my phone. I needed to get my phone. I started crawling over the floor, and every time I put my hand down, I felt the ache in my chest.
“M-Mer.” I cried. I heard my name faintly coming from the device that had fallen. It was near the desk, and when I picked it up I saw it had a crack in the screen. It didn’t matter.
“Amelia?” I heard Meredith yell.
“I-‘
“You scared me to death!” She yelled. “Don’t ever do that again.”
“Mer- I- I can’t,” I cried “this is my fault. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t-“
“Amelia.”
“If I hadn’t-”
“Amelia.”
“This is my fault, Mer-”
“Amelia!”
“What!?” I yelled back.
“I need you to hear me.” She said. “This is not your fault, okay? Nothing you did caused this.”
“You don’t know that-“ I sniffled.
“I do. I do. That was what I was telling you before you cut me off. It was nothing you did. It was nothing you did that caused her to be pushed over the edge. You did everything you could, Amelia.” I fell silent for a minute. I crawled under the desk, putting my phone besides me and my head on my knees, wrapping my arms around them. My breathing still consisted of short, tiny breaths, but they were regular. I looked at my watch, felt the cold metal. My head felt like it was splitting open, like I was having brain surgery all over again. If I had the energy, I’d massage my temples, but I didn’t.

“Amelia?”
“I’m here,” I sighed. “I just-“
“I know.” Meredith said. I knew she knew. She knew loss. She knew almost loss. She knew suicide. She knew I knew suicide. We were the same in so many ways. I think that’s why Derek fell in love with her. The only difference was, Meredith had turned to sex and traveling the world, and I had turned to pills and booze. In this moment, those things were very high on my want list.
“You said Richard’s working on her?” I dried my eyes with my sleeves. I didn’t care about the mascara that was all over my face now, I needed these waterfalls to stop.
“Yes,” Meredith said. “He is. We all thought she’d might need him when she wakes up.”
“She went into surgery?”
“Yes, and she lost a lot of blood. She was out cold, for over a minute. She’ll be sore for a while, she broke some ribs during the process. And we have to put her on a psych hold for now.”
I sighed. This is exactly what we tried to avoid the other day with that podunk doctor. I shouldn’t have left her, not like this. Most of the time she’d turn around in a few days if I gave her time to think. I should have known better.
“Do you need anything?”
“Can you just stay on the phone with me for a while?”
“I can do that.”

I heard her breathe every now and then. Her rhythm was slow and steady, and that somehow also calmed me. Physically, at least. Emotionally, I was a wreck and I would be for a while. I hadn’t lost someone to an OD or suicide since Ryan, and Michelle, and L.A. and thinking about that just opened a can of worms that couldn’t be put back and locked up. I toyed with my watch. This watch had now belonged to two of the most important people in my life. My father, and the father of my unicorn baby. The man who I thought was the love of my life.
Whenever I thought of Ryan, I always asked the question whether or not we would have made it together. I’d like to think we did, but the fact was, I was unsure about it. And that made me feel like I betrayed him, and Christopher. The life I would have had would have been so much different. Meredith and I would have only seen each other with the holidays, maybe. Maybe Derek would still be alive. Maybe everyone would still be alive.
I sighed. “Okay.”
“Okay.” And with that I hung up. I didn’t get up, my body felt like jelly. My mouth was dry, but I didn’t want water. Getting water meant I had to get up, and I couldn’t. I stared at my ceiling, and my half unpacked backpack. My silver, stickered, suitcase in the corner. I reached for my blanket, and wrapped it around me. I felt save under the desk, and closed my eyes. Maybe that would help with the headache. I hoped it would.

Chapter Text

A knocking woke me up. It was a very distant, yet also a very close, knocking. It was my door. My door was being knocked on very loudly. I opened my eyes, and I tried to stretch. I had fallen asleep on the floor, with nothing but my blanket. My entire body felt sore, my eyes were puffy from all the crying last night and my head hurt just as bad as when I had brain surgery. I scoured my floor for my backpack for some Tylenol, and just chewed on it instead of getting some water before laying my head against my bedframe. I’d get up, sometime soon, just not right now. Is this what I had looked like to others in my peak of my addiction? I sighed.
“Amelia?” Shit. Shit. Someone came looking for me. Why was someone looking for me at this God awful time of morning. I groaned, and looked at my phone. It was dead. Great, dead, just as dead as me on the inside.
“Amelia?” I heard again. I heard some shuffling, and whispering. “Are you okay? You- you missed breakfast, and it’s almost twelve now, I thought you’d want to see Dr. Bartley present on the neuroscience project they’ve been working on? It seemed to right up your alley. Amelia?”
“I’m coming!” I yelled. I crawled to my door, and tried to get myself up to a point where it was acceptable to open the door for people. I turned the lock, unhooked the chain and opened my door. And there they were, a very bright Arizona, dressed and ready, and a very pretty Callie in a black dress.
“Oh God, you look awful.” Arizona said.
“Thanks.” I groaned.
“Did something happen?” I shook my head.  They didn’t need to know. I’d tell them about Link, and Scout, maybe even Myara, but they wouldn’t hear about this. There was no added value to make them worry about me after such a long time.
I stepped aside to let them in. I’d need help if I was going to make it to Dr. Bartley’s presentation. “I just had a killer headache last night, I still have one now, but I need to get dressed. I need my notes.”
“Okay,” Callie said, “Can we do anything?”
“Save me a seat?” I asked, wiping my fingers across my eyes.
“Sure. Sure, yes we’ll save you a seat.” Arizona said. There were some quick looks between them, but I didn’t really care.
“Thanks, guys.” And they left. I decided my hair wasn’t worth it today. I threw my suitcase on my bed, and started shifting through it, looking for the outfit Maggie had put together for me. I found my heels, my pants and my shirt. I was still wearing my bra, and didn’t bother to change it. I grabbed some eyeliner to make my eyes look a little more alive, did my mascara and clipped my hair up half. It wasn’t special, but it was fine. I looked… presentable, and respectful. Also, possibly, dead, but presentable. I threw my phone on the charger, grabbed my notes, keycard and USB drive, and started heading downstairs. 

When the elevator opened, I saw Callie and Arizona looking worried, and whispering, but when they saw me, they turned around completely. Arizona smiled at me, but Callie wasn’t as much of an actor.
“Hi, Amelia!” Arizona’s voice was two octaves higher than normal.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Nothing, nothing, we-“
“Don’t give me that crap. You were my only friends the first few years I was at Grey-Sloan. You were the only ones who didn’t look at me like I was damaged when Meredith ran away to Boston. You were my friends.” I sighed. “And if- if we are still friends, you guys are gonna tell me what just happened here.”
“Are you-“ Arizona looked at Callie.
“She thinks you’re using.” Callie muttered. There it was. I had been afraid that’s what they were thinking when they found me like that, my sheets on the floor, not awake, ill-looking. I put my hands on my hips, and looked up at the ceiling.
“We wanna help you- we’ll call Meredith, get you home safe. We’ll stay with you, no questions asked.” Callie said.
“Okay.” I sniffled. “Okay. I wasn’t going to tell you this, I didn’t want you guys to worry, but when I landed, Meredith called. I have been a sponsor to this kid, she’s fifteen, and like me, an addict. And she tried to kill herself last night, and I wasn’t there. I was here, on the other side of the country. So I cried myself to sleep on the floor last night.” I kept blinking, to not cry again. I couldn’t go on stage having puffy eyes.
No one said anything. Arizona looked at me like I had kicked her puppy, and Callie looked at me like- like my mother did when she found out her seventeen year old daughter had been an addict for over three years and she hadn’t noticed.
“So, now you know. I might have my life somewhat together on paper, but I’m still me. I’m still Hurricane Amelia.”
“Oh, Amelia, I had no idea.” Arizona said.
“Course you didn’t. I haven’t seen you in years.” Arizona pulled me into a hug. “I can’t cry right now. I can’t- I have to pull this off today.” I whispered.
“You are one of the strongest women I know, Amelia.” She whispered back. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” She pulled back, wiping her undereyes.
“I know we’re all feeling very emotional, but we should get in there. If we want to sit for the next six hours, at least. I snatched a croissant from the buffet.” Callie said, handing me a napkin with a flat croissant. I smiled at her. 

God, I had missed them so much. When Callie left, I was so busy saving Nicole we almost kind of grew apart. We walked passed each other, I picked her up from Joe’s every now and then, and then she left. My life felt like a black hole, but they were the ones holding a light to it and dragged me out when I had no one left in Seattle. When I was living in Derek and Merediths house, with the lights off, hoping I would be stupid enough to drink or use, they came over with monopoly. They came over to watch the great British bake-off with me, take away my chocolate ice cream if I reached the halfway point of the tub.
Callie had been the first person that made me realize it was okay to love whoever you loved. She even left me her bi-coloured spine. It had been Callie who made me realize every time I had felt that flutter for anyone else than a man, it was the same flutter I felt for men. I used to wonder whether I wanted to be them, you know, the effortless pretty girls with the beach blonde waves, the blue eyes, the white smiles and a surfboard, or a horse. Those girls. But Callie made me realize I wasn’t jealous of their lives, I was jealous of their boyfriends.

We sat down, and waited for Dr. Bartley to present their research. I had been following their articles for years, and the things I had read were flawless, precise and good. They had been a few years behind me at Hopkins, but when I started my fellowship, they went into research instead. I remember having one of Tom’s classes with them, but I was always to busy to be the best. Now I wish I hadn’t.
“Oh my God,” Arizona said. “That’s Kai.”
“What?” I asked. “Dr. Kai Bartley. You know them?”
“They were at Hopkins. I- we partied together. We-“
“Hold up. Is this Kai?” Callie asked. “As in Kai from when you started your residency?” Arizona smiled sheepishly. Now I was curious, what had been going on between them? Sometimes I wished I had been able to go to parties. Half of the people I had worked with came from Hopkins, and now I felt like I had missed out while they all knew each other.
“They look so different now. The long hair- wow. I never thought I’d see them at one of these conferences. Kai always told me these kind of things were for the know it alls, the kind of doctors and researches who did their work for the press, and the money, not the patients. We-.”
“Hello everyone,” Dr. Bartley interrupted. My attention was immediately drawn to them, something about the way they stood on that big stage, and filled it, was very attractive. “I’m Dr. Kai Bartley. Today I will be presenting the research I have conducted over the past year about live cell insertion in benign growths, in particular in benign meningiomas, as a way to possibly eliminate surgery.” Eliminate surgery? Really? Now I was curious. If Kai had been able to successfully do this, this could mean a first step into curing malignant and premalignant growths. This would be a major step into curing cancer.
The more I listened, the more I kept wandering off. It was so interesting, and I was convinced they did everything right during the process, but my mind wasn’t here. It was in Seattle. It was also stuck on how and why Arizona and Kai knew each other, but I was worried about Lysanne. I had hoped she would’ve at least texted me by now. Or called, even. But my phone had been dead silent since last night.
And then I remembered. I had put my phone on my desk to charge. Shit. If she called, I wouldn’t be there for her, again. 

I had two options: excuse myself, be seen as rude to leave in the middle of someone’s presentation, which by the way was very interesting, or try to ignore the growing feeling of restlessness. I didn’t know which was worse, but the fact I was sitting very far away from the stairs that let to the exit, made the decision for me. I would stay put, and try to focus. I would call her when I was done with my presentation. 

“At this moment, the succesrate is already at 72 percent. My team and I have managed to keep 72 percent of the inserted cells alive inside of the meningiomas after two weeks. The meningiomas were found to have lost two to five percent of their growth after this time. We’ve found they need to be inserted at 7 degrees Celsius to reach full potential. Anything above or below this, and the cells die due to clumping together, or spreading too far from each other. The cells behave as a group: if they spread too far, the surface level target doesn’t reach it’s full potential, they stop functioning and die. The same thing happens when they clump. As of now, we have not yet found a way to maximize the spread and keep it functional at the same time. Several attempts were made to control this, yet none were definite protocols with a constant success. This will be something we need to focus on during the next stage of developing this protocol.”
“That’s amazing.” Callie muttered. I nodded; it was. There was no flaw to be found in any of the numbers, protocols or science as far as I had heard. If I were to do this, I’d have done it the exact same way. But I loved cutting too much to research this.
“We had hoped to have a full report ready for today. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, we had to wait to continue. This means I’ll have an update for you- sometime in the future. I hope.” The audience laughed. We, as doctors and scientists, understood setbacks, FDA rules and how every available scientist with somewhat of a name had been put on hold while covid vaccines were being developed. “And with that I’d like to end today. If you have any questions, please don’t ask them, I’m not good at improvising.” I smiled. That was a clever way to tell people to not rip apart your research, approach and everything else. And it was funny, no one would ever have said that, but Dr. Bartley did.

Some people from UCLA and San Diego asked questions, simple ones, ones that people should’ve been able to understand from listening to the presentation, but they were questions. My watch told me it was almost time for Arizona to be going on stage, and I showed her what time it was. She nodded, and started slowly gathering her things. People moved out of her way, and she straightened her shirt at the side of the stage.
As Kai left the stage, there was a smile on their face when meeting Arizona’s eyes. It was fleeting, but it was there.

Arizona’s presentation was well put together. It was weird, seeing her talk about neonatal surgery. Up until seven years ago, Addison had been the only neonatal surgeon I knew. And then Hermann came along, and then Hermann created neonatal surgeon Arizona. Still, Addison was the only triple board certified neonatal, maternal-fetal medicine and OBGYN surgeon I knew, with a subspecialty in genetic diseases, but still. The way Arizona was talking, I had never heard Addie this way. It suited Arizona. I wish I completely understood what she was saying, but apart from the science behind it, it went straight over my head. Whoever once said, the more you know, the more you know you don’t know anything, was right. You kept tightening the leash as a surgeon: you started out knowing everything from the body in med school, then you became a well-rounded intern with a specialty: surgery, family medicine, research. And if you chose surgery, you start specializing from your third year, doing a fellowship furthering the specialty, and then you can even decide to focus on one sort of things. As a starting ortho resident, you could end up doing only sports surgeries. As a neurosurgeon, you could end up working with bleeds, or tumors. The more I knew, the more I knew I knew nothing.

Callie poked me, showing me it was almost 3:30. Meaning I was up next. These were tough acts to follow: a perfect solution to not cut everyone open and possibly cure cancer, a perfect solution to decrease fatalities during childbirth of both the child and mother and then there was me talking once again about one of the riskiest surgeries in my life.
“I know you’re all overwhelmed by the amazing presentations from Dr. Bartley and Dr. Robbins, and the tremendous information they’ve given you today, but I hope you’ll bear with me for the last hour. Some of you might have already heard this presentation - maybe even read it - but I do hope you’ll be able to follow me.” I took a breath. “Seven years ago, I stood up on the stage of an auditorium for the first time in my career. It was smaller than this one, the lights were a lot less bright too, but, I stood there, telling residents and surgeons all over the world how I was planning to remove a grade four glioblastoma, pressing against the optic nerve, or as what I call it: the dream box. Everything that made Nicole Herrmann Nicole Herrmann was in my hands.” I couldn’t see how to audience was reacting to the way I was telling the story, they lights in my face created a shadow over the auditorium. I panicked. I relied on face to face responses for these. Breathe, just breathe. You got this. You’ve done this five times now, you can do it.

“I came up with the ultimate hybrid protocol to eliminate this tumor. It was brutal, it was a one shot, and no one had done it before. Months of preperation, going back and forth between protocols, months of pre-surgery radiation. There was no research about the results of combining radiation, surgery and chemo. I could have killed her at hundred different moments, but she lived. She lives And this, todays presentation, is about how we managed that.”

Before I knew it I had been standing there for over an hour, and my presentation was done. It felt like a fever dream, there was no second I didn’t feel like I was either having a nervous breakdown or a severe panic attack. “If you have questions, you can ask them now.” I said.
“Dr. Shepherd!” I heard from a few places. So they were actually listening, I hadn’t made it all up.
“Dr. Shepherd, when you started the first rounds of chemo- how did you decide when the right moment to operate was? Were you looking for shrinkage?”
“At first, I did plan on a certain amount of stability at least, shrinkage at best. At the same time, there was a need to have her tissue contain as much fibrin as possible to not have them disintegrate in my hands in surgery. There was another complication with the chemo: the patient reacted badly to it, so we decided on a compromise. As long as the tumor didn’t reach into the optic nerve, there would be one round of chemo a week. Afterwards she was put on a maximized round of chemo until there definitely was no growth after two months.”
“Thank you, Dr. Shepherd.”
I smiled. “Next question.” I saw someone standing at the stairs. I wasn’t sure, but in the shadow of the light the person who asked the question looked like Dr. Bartley. I had thought they’d leave before my presentation, as it wasn’t research enough.
“How did you know it would work? There was no research guaranteeing this combination would have this effect, did you test trial this?” That was definitely Dr. Bartley. I smiled.
“I didn’t.” I said. There were some whispers, I assumed of shock. “I didn’t know it would be success, and I didn’t have time for a trial run. As I said before, there were a hundred complications that could have led to her death. I had a plan, a limited time frame and while I was in surgery, I had to adjust it to fit the pieces to what I had in front of me. I didn’t know, and I couldn’t have. There never is a way to guarantee survival in surgery, and with this kind of tumor, in this location, at this stage, there is no way to even give a percentage of chance of survival. The patient and I discussed this, and she wanted it to be published no matter what.”
“Are you planning a clinical trial to make this protocol into a real procedure and a real treatment for this type of brain tumor?”
“At this time, I am not planning on building a clinical trial around or based on this case.” I said. There were no further questions. I looked at my watch. It was 16:54. It had taken a little longer than usual, but we got through it. I had just given this presentation, and I already couldn’t remember anything I had said. That’s how terrified these conferences made me, especially now everything was televised. If you made one wrong movement, it could mean the end of your career. But not today, today was not the end of my career, and I was happy about that. It gave me a chance to enjoy my meal with Callie and Arizona, hopefully.

Chapter Text

“So,” I said, catching up to Callie and Arizona, “does this mean we are finally getting something good to eat now?” I stuffed my notes back into my folder, and looked for my key to my room, patting my pockets.
“Yes.” Callie said. “But I do need to change out of this- this is not my style.” She pointed at her skirt and jacket. It wasn’t often Callie was dressed like that, that was true.
“You look hot in it though.” Arizona said.
“You’re just saying that because you’re my wife.” Callie said. Arizona had the biggest smile on her lips. “But I’ll take the compliment anyway.” Callie kissed her on the cheeks. I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe one day I was allowed to be in a relationship like that. A relationship in which I was allowed to love someone, and still be angry with them, without feeling like they’ll abandon me if I raise my voice at them.
“So we’ll meet you back here in say” Arizona looked at her phone, “thirty minutes? It’ll be sixish, I know that’s a little early for dinner, but I have a morning presentation tomorrow.”
“That’s fine,” I said. I waved at them, before stepping on the elevator back up. I had my keycard, cup and folder in my hands, my hair was a mess, I was overheating and my stomach had been growling for either coffee or dinner the entire presentation.

When I stepped through the door, I just threw everything on my bed. I switched my pants for my denim jeans, and my blouse for a knitted sweater. I kept wearing my pumps, though, it looked mommy chic, something I’d normally try and avoid, but in case we’d run into people from the conference I couldn’t risk looking unhinged. The clip I had worn all day got exchanged for a low ponytail, and I took off my jewelry, except my earrings, watch and ring.
I looked decent. My watch told me it was only 5:35. I hoped Lysanne would pick up if I called her, the emails in my inbox could wait until I got back on Monday. But when I opened her chat to FaceTime her, there still wasn’t a single message. By now she should be awake and know someone had informed me of what happened. I dialed anyway.

“This is Lysanne, I’m currently probably at school, so call me later, leave a message or text. Thank you.” Voicemail, but after two tones. She declined my call. I called again. One, two… and it cut out again.
“Hey, Lysanne,” I started. But my mind went empty immediately. What do you say to the kid you sponsor that tried to kill herself as soon as you were on a plane? “Meredith called me. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to reach out, but uhm- I want to know how you are. If you could text- or call me? I just want to talk to you. I care, okay? I care. Call me.” And I ended the call.

I wanted to walk out the door, be early in the lobby, but the glimpse I caught of myself in the mirror on my way out made me stop for a minute. It had been a long time since I had actually seen myself. I had looked myself up and down after the accident, chasing the scars, feeling the dents, but now I was fully healed, I looked the same, and yet very different. There was a patch near my right ear, where they had sowed me up, that was clearly asymmetrical to the left side. On the left there was an indent, on the right it looked straight from point to point. It was one of those small things neurosurgery almost always did. For men it was worse, they couldn’t cover it with a ponytail and a fringe, or a hairclip. Sometimes it even caused more balding, but after having surgery two times, it didn’t bother me that much anymore. Without it, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I had tempted death, more times than I could count. As a kid, as a teen God knows how many times, in college probably a few times, when I relapsed at the practice with Ryan, after Derek died, when I relapsed in Seattle after Merediths attack, and even during the pandemic. Someone who didn’t know me might say that made me the luckiest person in the world, but if they would get to know me, they’d understand that very often I would have chosen to wander to the light if it was up to me.
But that also meant I knew that no matter how bad life got, there was always something would make it worth it. I hoped Lysanne would see that soon, too.

I wandered out the door, trying to leave all those thoughts behind for just a minute. I couldn’t get anything done if she didn’t call me, and I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself if I kept worrying like this. And I needed myself to be okay if I was going to make sure Lysanne was okay when she got out of this.

On my way to the elevator someone walked passed me, who I sweared resembled someone I knew once, but when I turned around they were nowhere to be found. This had been the second time this had happened at this conference. Maybe I was loosing my mind. I looked back one last time, but the hallway was still empty.
The lobby, however, was far from empty. It was almost overcrowded, something that felt weird after covid. I knew we were safe now, but after a year of madness and darkness, it felt unreal to have people close to me and in masses again.
“Amelia!” Arizona waved. I started heading towards them, and I saw my casual outfit was nowhere near their outfit. They looked like going out, I was dressed for dinner. Maybe I had misunderstood.
“I think I missed a memo about the dress code…” I said, looking from them to myself, and back.
“We’re meeting up with some people later, but we don’t have time to change, so don’t worry.” Arizona said. When she saw my face, she immediately apologized. “We didn’t know you were going to this conference, and I arranged for Callie to meet some of the people I worked with at Hopkins as a resident and fellow. I’m sorry, we should’ve probably told you.”
“It’s fine, I didn’t know you would be here either if I’m honest. I keep forgetting years have passed and we can’t go back to the way things were. We’ve grown. I get it.”
“Can we do this over dinner? I long for a good burger, with fries and ketchup. There’s an 80’s burger tent down the street, and it looks really good.” Callie suggested. I shook it off. Tonight, I’m having dinner with my friends. We didn’t need to make it more difficult. I didn’t need to make it more difficult.
“Good fries are hard to come by.” I said. “But I’d kill for a good, fat, cheeseburger with mustard and pickles right about now. Let’s go, ladies.”
“You’re not pregnant again already, are you?” Callie joked.
“I am not, but I was, and now I love pickles.” I said.
“It seems- adult. Adults like pickles. They’re like olives, young people hate them, then they start drinking cocktails, ate the soaked olive and start liking olives. It’s growth, Amelia!” Arizona said. “Besides, Callie ate the weirdest things when she was pregnant, so picking up a pickle habit doesn’t seem that bad.”
“You didn’t even want me drinking coffee! You don’t get to tell me I ate weird things- you and Mark made me drink spinach juices, cooked me chicken and started a cooking club! I’m sorry Sofia wanted chicken nuggets with lemon juice, but it’s not that weird!”
“I’m talking about the mayonnaise with peanut butter sandwiches, not the lemon juice and chicken nuggets. Or- or the avocado with chili flakes, the toast with marshmallow spread and ravioli, the egg muffin with mustard-“
“We get it!” Callie nudged her wife.
“Oh, don’t be embarrassed,” I said, “I ate a loaf of bread dipped in barbecue sauce, like an entire loaf, myself. I grilled a steak, no actually I made Link grill me a steak, doesn’t matter, just to dip it in chocolate sauce. It was a good steak, though.”
“Ew.” Arizona said, making a disgusted face like I had only seen Ellis make. “I take it back, you weren’t that weird.”
“Thank you.” Callie said. 

I could see the diner even from the beginning of the street. The neon signs, the crowds lingering in front. It looked like the 80’s never left.
“See, this is the beauty of the 80’s. The food, the diners. The cigarettes, women.” I smiled.
“Woah,” Arizona said, “pause. Smoking? You’re a smoker too?” I was confused as to why she got stuck on the smoking part, and not the women part, I hoped either one of them picked up on it so it wouldn’t come as a surprise later when I told them about Myara.
“I was for like, two months. Before Addison took them from me, told me she’d kill me if she ever saw them near me again. She was right, addiction is addiction. Doesn’t mean I was happy to hear it, though.” I explained.
“See, it’s addiction Zona.” Callie muttered.
“You’re a smoker?” I asked the blonde. That’s something I’d never picture for her. Even though she told me some stories about her and her party personality, I’d never in a million years imagined her with a cigarette.
“Only when I’m really stressed.” She defended herself.
“Ah yes, the surgeon’s life is totally stress free.” I joked.
“I thought we were going to eat, not bully me over one bad habit.” Arizona scoffed. I had wanted to say something else, but the lack of line in front of the diner stopped me.
“Hello ladies, welcome to Shakestatic. Are you looking to dine, sit at the bar or are you here for any of our game rooms?” A handsome fellow asked us.
“We have dinner reservations for three.” Callie said.
“And the name is…”
“Torres.”
“Alrighty then, enjoy the dinner, and if you find yourself in no hurry, you might want to check out our rink, glow in the dark golf or even our adult arcade.” I nodded at him, and followed Arizona and Callie inside. The neon and fluor was even brighter inside, but not in a bothersome way. There was a jukebox stationed besides the door, and the diner was stacked with cute booths in varying colors. Pinks, purples and yellows shone all around the diner. The checkered floor only added to the ambience. I was so caught up in the looks of the diner, I almost missed the skating waitress. She scooted behind me with a full plate, and in that moment I forgot how much fun it had been in college to just… go out for dinner. Nowadays I either ate at Joe’s, ordered in, or warmed something up in the hospital. On a rare occasion there was actually cooked food waiting at home, but that didn’t happen often. This was a much appreciated change of pace.

“Oh my God, this place is amazing.” I said, sliding in the booth Arizona and Callie had picked. It was near the window, but also allowed us to see the open kitchen. Chatter filled around us, as we looked the place up and down, and at the menu.
“I used to come here a lot. Mostly on dates, or with friends. It was my favorite place in this entire city, especially when it was winter and I couldn’t skate outside, we’d do it here.” Arizona said.
“This place existed when we were in college?” I asked her. She nodded. “I never knew. I clearly missed out on something. Wow.” I scanned the menu, but I already knew what I was going to eat. A cheese burger, with extra pickles, and a blueberry milkshake. I offered the menu to Arizona, but she declined.
“I’ve had the same meal here for 10 years, I’m good.”
“So what kind of dates did you bring here?” Callie asked.
“Jealous?”
“No.” Callie scoffed.
“You are so jealous.”
“I am not.”
“You are.” I said.
“I’m just- curious. That’s all.” Callie said.
“She’s gonna keep asking, you should tell her. Worst thing she’ll do is cyberstalk them.” I told Arizona. Just when she was about to open her mouth, a waitress skated our way.
“Hi,” She said, coming to a stop at our table, “I’m Wendy, I’ll be your server today. Are you ready for drinks?” She asked us, her terminal in her hand. Except the electronic in her hand, her looks matched the place up to the details. The wrist bands, the blue and pink skates. Even the chunky earrings.
“We’d like to order already, if that’s okay.” Arizona said.
“That’s totally fine, go ahead.”
“I’d kill for your inside out burger with a side of fries instead of rings, with ketchup, and a tall vanilla milkshake.”
“Inside out, we haven’t had that order in a while, you must’ve been a regular if you know our secret menu.” Wendy said. Secret menu. I wondered who Arizona had shared her fries with, and Callie clearly did too. The look on her face was hard to describe, but if I had to, it be close to jealous.
“I studied here, at Hopkins, so I’d say I know your menu pretty well.” Arizona smiled.
“No way! I’m a student at Hopkins, too.” Wendy said. “I’m studying to become a neuroscientist, fifth year. That’s so funny.” She turned to Callie.
“For me a chicken supreme with twisted fries and mayo, and a chocolate milkshake.” She said, and then Wendy turned to me.
“And for me a simple cheeseburger with extra pickles, no sides and a blueberry milkshake.” I said, putting the menu back in it’s holder.
“Alrighty!” The bright and shiny waitress put away her terminal. “Drinks will be out in ten minutes tops, food might take up to twenty to twenty five minutes.”
“Thanks.” Arizona said, and off Wendy went.
“What the hell is an inside out burger?” I asked Arizona.
“Burger, bread, burger.” She simple said. That made a lot more sense than what I was picturing. I wasn’t even sure what I was picturing.

Our milkshakes were out quickly, and then we waited for the food. We caught up about the stupid little things, like recent research, and somehow ended back at the conference.
“So, Amelia, what did you think about Dr. Bartley’s research?” Arizona asked.
“If it works, and that’s a big if, it’ll be huge! I’m very interested in their research, I have been following it for a while now, but I didn’t know they were working on something this big. The last time I read something from them was about deep brain stimulation as a temporary solution for Parkinson’s patients.”
“Yeah, Kai’s amazing. Their research has always been top of the field, even when we were studying.” Arizona shut her mouth as soon as she saw my face. She had made the mistake of telling us a little too much.
“You know Dr. Bartley?” I asked.
“I- we- yes, we used to date.” She admitted, stuffing her cheeks with milkshake to cool down the redness on them.
“Oh my God.” Callie laughed. “So this is Kai, as in Kai."
“I was going to tell you-“ I gave both my friends a puzzled look. I had no idea what they were depicting in this conversation, or where it was headed. Arizona noticed the look on my face, and sighed. “Kai and I- we were together since the start of college right up till halfway of med school, and then I fell in love with pediatric surgery, and they fell in love with days in the lab, and so, our schedules didn’t allow us for much time together anymore, and it- it ended.” She said. Somehow I wondered if that was the full story, and from the way Callie was looking at her wife, I could tell she was wondering the same.
I had wanted to ask another question, but Wendy returned to us with a stacked plate full of burgers. We pushed our shakes aside, to make room for her.
“The inside out, chicken supreme and a cheeseburger.” She said, handing us our food. “If you need anything, just wave.”
“Actually-“ Arizona started, “Is Len in today?”
“Yes, should I gave him a message?”
“If you could tell him hi from Arizona Robbins, he’ll know enough.” She smiled.
“Alrighty, will do. Enjoy!”

I looked at Arizona’s monstrosity. It didn’t even look like a burger anymore, just two patties and a piece of bread. Mine, however, dripped in cheese and pickles, just how I liked it.
“I wanted to ask you, before sending Myara your way, but it fell through. Is she doing alright? She wasn’t made to stick around one place too long, and she seemed to get bored in New York, but I didn’t want to just sent her off to Mayo, or Cleveland.” Callie asked.
“Link loves her as a surgeon, and is very happy he can spend more time with Scout thanks to her, Bailey loves her enthusiasm, she’s a good teacher, and her and Teddy are becoming friends, and, uhm, she is doing research right now.” I hesitated. “With me.”
“So she told you? Thank God. I was so afraid of how you’d take it. And then earlier when you said she was just fine, I was so worried she hadn’t told you… I had no time and business continuing it, and it didn’t feel right to just hand it off to Myara.” Callie rambled. “But you two are working on it? Together?”
“Yes.” I said, chewing my burger. “Started two weeks ago, actually. We’re just getting up to speed right now, figuring out what we need, you know.”
“Is she up to your liking?” Callie didn’t look at me when she asked the question, but it still felt personal. My burger went into my windpipe from the sudden question. I gasped for air, and tried pushing it down a bit of my shake.
“She’s uhm, very… talented.” I said, still recovering from the incident with the burger.
“Oh my God!” Arizona hissed. “I knew it! You owe me ten bucks, Calliope. I knew it when you said she was just fine, and I was right! Ha! You’re dating her!” She smacked her hand on the table in enthusiasm. The secret was out. I lowered my knife down to the table, and bit my lip, trying to avoid my friend’s eyes. They were right and wrong. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to spill all of it to them.
“Shepherd…”
“We’re- not not dating, but we’re also not dating."
“What does that even mean?” Arizona asked, eyes widening. There was a twinkle in them that I had missed for a very long time, and it pushed me over the edge.
“It means… it means I had a messy situation with my baby daddy, we kissed, once, and we haven’t talked about it since.” I said.
“That’s crap.” Callie said. “No way in hell you two haven’t talked. Myara can be difficult, but she needs to know what is going on. Always. No way she hasn’t asked what it meant at least once.” I shrugged.
“We haven’t talked. Really.” I told Callie, who clearly didn’t believe me. “I’ve been very busy with other- things- people- who needed me, and she seemed to understand.”
“People?” Callie asked.
“Yea, God there’s so much you guys missed, it’s been hectic in the hospital, having a baby, baby daddy drama, and on top of that having a struggling teenager under me as a sponsor. She’s been taking up most of my time- not that I mind- but it has been pushing things with Myara to the background, if I’m honest. Adulting is tough.” I sighed.
“I wanna know everything.” Arizona said.

It was close to midnight when we finished our conversations. Callie and Arizona had listened to me, and talked with me. It was refreshing, talking to people who knew both me and Myara, and the hospital, but weren’t so close to it anymore they already had an opinion. I had needed that.
“Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow, for lunch?” Callie asked.
“Yes, this time I’ll actually be awake. I promise.” I hugged both of them, before turning around. “And thank you, for tonight.”

Chapter Text

My phone buzzed, waking me up. It was still dark outside, so it was either incredibly late for my phone to be buzzing, or incredibly early.
“Amelia Shepherd.” I mumbled, trying to cover up the yawn that was trying to make it’s way out of my body.
“Hi, Dr. Shepherd? This is Leonna Davids. I’m from CPS, I’m calling about Lysanne. Is this a good time?”
“I-“ I threw my hair in a bun, putting the phone on speaker. Lysanne? What was this about? “Yes, this is a good time. If you could give me one second to move to my desk…”
“Not a problem.” I settled on the big futon besides the desk, grabbed the notepad and contorted my body in a way that allowed my feet to be under my ass, and the pad on my legs. I decided to leave my phone besides me on the desk, and just sit.
“Alright, I’m settled.”
“Good, good.” I heard her type something. “Normally, we’d have this conversation face to face, but it has come to my understanding you are currently in Baltimore, is that correct?”
“Yes.” I said. “I’m at the conference of Medical Innovations for Surgeons, at John Hopkins, Baltimore.”
“Do you travel a lot, normally?” She asked with a stern voice. If I could picture her from just a voice, she’d be wearing a cold grey pencil skirt with a blazer, an off white blouse, pointy, small black heels and raspberry pink lipstick with green glasses.
“On and off. I’m a surgeon, so travel is something that’s part of my job description every now and then. Usually I’m home the same weekend, or even the same day, I left, but when it’s a conference, it’s different.” Leonna was busy typing my words. Was what I saying the right things?
“How often do you travel? Approximately?” She asked.
“This is the first time in… eight months? Before, normally, I’d travel once every two to four months, maybe? Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. For number’s I’d have to check my schedule, I don’t have that right now. And, also, I did have a baby less than a year ago, so my travels are probably not going to be as frequent.” I said. “I’m sorry, is there a reason you inquire my schedule in this much detail?"
“Well, normally, when people foster a teenager are stationed at one place-“ She scoffed over the phone.
“I’m sorry? I- I think there has been a mistake- I’m Lysanne’s sponsor. I wouldn’t be the one legally fostering her. That would be Richard Webber.” I scribbled his name on my pad, circled in question marks. The rigorous typing became longer and louder the more I listened to it. Had something gone wrong in her file? Would this mean she wouldn’t be fostered by Richard?
“And Richard Webber would be your… boyfriend?” I audibly laughed at the absurdity before I realized what she asked me.
“Absolutely not.” I hummed.
“But he is the one on her file, side by side with your name. Correct?”
“Yes, and no.” I said. “This is a complicated situation, I understand. I don’t think I could possible inform you in the correct way over the phone, if I’m honest. If we could meet on Monday? Would that be a good time to explain and go through the options? I’ll make sure Richard Webber is also present.”
“I’d rather close her file sooner than later-“
“So do I. However, under current circumstances, I don’t think that’s possible without properly explaining the extreme parameters of her and our situation, Mrs. Davids.” I said. CPS was not something I liked dealing with. Especially not about Lysanne.
“You do still want to foster her, right?” She asked.
“Again, Mrs. Davids, Richard Webber would be fostering her. Not me.” I said.
She typed something, probably filing us unfit to foster. If I had done one thing different, none of us would be here right now. And that’s something I’ll never be able to take back.
“Monday,” She asked. “What time?”
“Four PM, or after eight PM, Grey Sloan Memorial. Ask for me, or Richard Webber, and we’ll be there. It’s very important to us this gets sorted out, too.”
“Alright. I will see you Monday, then.” She said.
“Have a nice day!” Before I could finish my sentence, she had already hung up. I only now saw what time it was- 2:42 AM. I sighed. This whole conversation was a mess. If something happened to her, it would be my fault. Over and over I kept failing her. Not by choice, but it was still my fault nonetheless. 

Not sure as to when I had fallen back asleep, I was woken up by my phone ringing again. Or at least, that’s what I thought. It had actually been my alarm, but it didn’t matter. I stretched my entire body, wiggling and turning to have every muscle be contorted. It was time to wake up and start another day of presentation filled conferences. I was happy that tomorrow, I would be teaching at Hopkins to students who still had something to prove, and the eagerness to actually want to learn innovative medicine. Most people here just came to brag about their own achievements, not actually learn anything from others.

I had no pressing research in my inbox relevant to my field, or to surgery, and decided I’d catch up with the innovative minds of todays world tonight. Maybe if I hadn’t been called in the middle of the night I’d have the energy to do it now, but that was not how today was going to go for me.
I hopped in the shower, only to see the bottle of shampoo had a lavender flower on it. “I hate lavender…” I muttered, but I hated dirty feeling hair more, and thus I had no choice. Should’ve brought my own shampoo.

Once downstairs, the buffet was already almost empty. There were some hard boiled eggs left, and a few smothered and smashed croissant, pieces of watermelon and other fruit in cups. Normally I didn’t do breakfast like this- I’d eat a bowl of yoghurt with fruit and cereal, have coffee and call it a day. But I wasn’t operating, or presenting until 2 today, so I took my time picking up the least damaged pieces of food I could find.
“You could’ve told me you were coming to this conference, you know. Mom would’ve loved to see you, after these last eight months in recovery. She’s worried about you.” As soon as she spoke, I turned my head around so fast I was sure it caused me a whiplash. Seeing my face only made her smile more.
“Lizzie?”
“So you do remember me?” She said, grabbing the last croissant. “Not that brain damaged after all. That’s something, I guess.” I bit my lip at her words. The nonchalance radiated off of her, but her eyes betrayed she actually felt pretty mad, even when scanning the table for other foods. On another note, it felt great knowing I wasn’t hallucinating her presence earlier, she was actually here, though I had no idea what a dermatologist did at these type of conferences.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, after I managed to find the ability to speak again.
“I saw your name on the brochure, and it’s only a short drive if it means I get to spend some with my little sister.” She smirked. “I haven’t seen you in ages, I wanted to know how you were doing. I heard about the fake Owen situation from Kate and Nance, and then from mom you had a tumor and I had to find out from your instagram you have a baby now?”
“Jumping right in, are you?” I mumbled.
“Well, yes, because if you’re not doing good, we wanna help you Amy.” She said. I took a deep breath in, trying to ignore the condescending look on her face and the fake concern in her voice.
“Don’t call me Amy. It’s Dr. Shepherd. I am in a position of respect here, and I don’t respond well to being ambushed like this, especially as a representative from the hospital I work at.” I said. “You wouldn’t have done that to Derek. Even after he hid Zola from you, you wouldn’t have questioned his choices and you would have addressed him professionally. Even after Meredith hid Ellis from you, you would address her professionally. It’s always just me you like to antagonize into the smallest spaces in your life, and I’m not listening to it.” I put my cup down, and left with just my plate filled with one croissant and a tower of watermelon pieces. I hoped to spot Callie, or Arizona, or even Dr. Bartley somewhere just so I could avoid Lizzie. But they weren’t there, because Arizona had an early presentation. Callie and Dr. Bartley would probably both be there to hear it, meaning I was on my own. Great. I shoved my plate on the surface of a small table, and hoped the crowd would cover me. But when I saw the heels come my way, I knew enough.

“Amelia, if we could just talk.” She said, putting her plate down. “I’m really not trying to start anything this time. I genuinely want to know what’s happening in your life.” I watched her expressions. She stood besides the table, as to wait for me to say something so she could sit herself down. She had never waited for me to allow her to do anything. Maybe she was actually trying to connect this time.
“You can talk,” I said, sighing to the free chair at the other side of the table, “but don’t expect me to answer you. This conversation is happening on my terms."
“Assertive,” she said, “that’s new for you.” I shot her a side eye, and she tilted her hands to apologize.
For a while we just sat and ate in silence. Somehow that felt worse than have her question my life choices. Maybe Kathleen had taught her to stay silent if she wanted information out of people, and she was just silencing me out to have me break.
“Look, Amelia. I’m not here because I want to tell you how to live your life.” She sighed.
“But you’re going to anyway.” I said.
“No- truely.” She said, putting her fork down. “I actually came to apologize to you.” A snort left my nose.
“You came to apologize to me? For what, exactly?” I asked her, sitting back in my chair.
“Everything.” She said. “Look, I have never been a good sister to you, I know that. You were always so different from Nancy and Kate and me, and you were not a good person to be around when we grew up together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I would’ve loved to come to Seattle and give you and your babies father a few days off after the birth. I would’ve loved to see you, and Meredith, and the kids. I actually rescheduled plans I had when mom told me you were coming to New York months ago, just so we could talk.” I scrunched my brows at her words. They seemed genuine enough, but it was shocking to have Lizzie talk to me in that way. And i was still waiting on the apology.
“I know I haven’t always been nice to you- actually I would say I have been pretty cruel to you all these years- but during the pandemic I think I finally got to understand you. The entire isolation, the only thing that was there to do was drink and talk, and walk with the kids, bake stupid cakes. Even for someone like me that was difficult, and that’s when I realized that’s probably how you have felt your entire life being surrounded by us. The only person who got that was Derek, and he’s not here anymore, and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for taking the better of forty five years to understand you.” I didn’t know what to say. It was heartfelt, that was for sure. Somehow it made me feel  better she was apparently somewhat prone to addiction too, just like Derek, and mom. I had felt alone in that for years, that I was the only one with addiction issues in this family, when in reality we all were, just on different levels and things.
“Thank you.” I said. “That- weirdly- made me feel better.”
“So… you accept my apology?” She asked, taking a bite from her croissant.
I hesitated. “I want to say yes, but I am not sure I can do that and be honest. There is a lot still to be resolved, but I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt, even though you never gave me that.”
“That’s fair.” She nodded. “I deserved that.”

The entire rest of my morning was spent talking to Lizzie, making me miss Arizona’s presentation. Somehow, though, the only thing I could think about was how much fun it was talking to Lizzie the way I was. It felt like- I couldn’t describe what it felt like. It was weird, telling her about my kid, about Link, but still choosing to not tell her we had broken up and I was in a situationship with a woman now. One conversation didn’t fix an entire lifetime of incidents we had, and I still wasn’t convinced she’d just be reporting back to the New York posse of stalkers and trash talkers.

When it felt like we were running out of conversation, a storm of people left the auditorium. Saved by the masses, I thought.
“I uhm, I won’t keep you longer.” Lizzie said.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got lunch plans with my friends.” I said. “Maybe we could- have dinner tomorrow, before I fly back to Seattle?”
“I can’t, I’m driving back tonight, but I’d love for you to come, with Scout and Link, someday? In a vacation, or something?” She said.
I nodded. “Okay, yeah, I’ll uhm- I’ll call you, then.” She side hugged me, and I awkwardly put my hands around her side before saying my final goodbye’s and looking for blonde and brunette locks mixed together. It didn’t take long, but there was someone else.
“Arizona! Callie!” I waved. Only Callie came my way, kissing her wife goodbye, and I gave her a puzzled look when she reached my proximaty.
“We’re on our own,” she said, “Arizona is going on a catch-up date with that beautiful, handsome, neuroscientist she used to date and I am-“
“Jealous?” I asked

“Concerned.” She sighed. “I am concerned. I thought I was over it, but I am not. I don’t  wanna to be that person that tells her not to go, because they have a past, and a past that’s filled with love, and loving, and hot, hot aerobic sex and-“
“Okay stop.” I said, pushing myself in front of her. “You’re me. You’re spiraling. You and Arizona worked out your issues. Yes, you’re allowed to doubt, but unless she gives you an actual reason to question her, you don’t get to interfere. Take a breath, and come with me."
She inhaled, and exhaled a few times, tracking her wife with her eyes until she and Kai left the foyer. “Distract me.”
“My sister tackled me this morning apologizing for antagonizing me her entire live.” I blurted. It was the only thing I could think of to distract her. That seemed to get her attention.
“Hold up- the sisters from Seattle or New York?”
“Lizzie. New York. The dermatologist.” I said, leading her out the front door. I had picked out a small Italian lunch place down the street. I craved a good panini and coffee after this mornings disaster breakfast.
“And she apologized to you?” She asked, raisin her left brow.
“I know, right?” I laughed. “It was so weird. It was an actual apology, I’m still processing.”

We were seated right away, and I ordered a small prosciutto panini with truffle mayo, with a large caramel macchiato, and Callie a small salmon and lime sandwich and an English tea.
“Okay, I have to confess something.” Callie said. “I talked with Myara last night.”
“And….?” I asked, somewhat scared of what was to come
“And she is definitely freaking out. She thinks you took on this conference to avoid talking to her. I know she doesn’t like to show it, but I trained her from residency up. She’s a lot more insecure than she presents herself. You gotta talk to her, she deserves that much. She’s a good person, Amelia, both as a surgeon and a friend, and a lover. And from the way she speaks about you- I know there’s a smile plastered on her face.” I fell silent for a second. That was a lot of scary information, and a lot of outside mingling. I had hoped to just take things slow, talk to her when I got back, go on a date, drive her home, Bring her coffee after dropping Scout off at the daycare. Maybe two, three months from then have a conversation about it. I wanted this to work, and to have that happen, things needed to be slow.
“You’re freaking out now.” Callie said. “Don’t freak out.”
“I- I am not, but I am, but I am not.” I said. “I wanna do this right, you know? I don’t want to jump in like I did with Owen, or Link. She deserves the best version of me, and I want to give her that but I don’t know how. And what if I have it- and I don’t know how to have it?”
“I was like that with Zona.” Callie said. I raised my brow at her, almost not believing me. “Don’t look at me like that. Arizona was my first, real, lesbian relationship. And every second I was terrified for the first few years. And then we broke up, and then we got married. And then we got divorced, I moved to the other side of the country, and after a few years she followed me. And now, we’re married again. We didn’t know how to have it either, but we still have it. Honestly, I think the only way we’ll ever truly be apart is when we’re in a grave.” She joked.
“We’re more alike than we realize, aren’t we?” I asked her. Callie smiled at me, with the warmth she had always carried. Callie also understood the depths of love like Meredith and I did, I thought. I had seen that when we had worked together, and I saw it now, years later.
“Yeah, I think so, too.” Callie said.
“We would’ve been great friends.” I said. “We would have so rocked that research you and Derek did. And I wouldn’t even have left you for the president.” I joked.
“That’s why I handed it over to Myara. For you and her. But especially you. it’s what Derek, the white, hot center of the universe, would have wanted.”
“He really thought he was the- wait how did you say it- white hot center of the universe?” She nodded. “He really thought he was that, didn’t he?” I laughed. All our arguments later in life had either been about him trying to show me up, or about him apparently knowing what was best for me.
“He did.” She smirked. “The fact he was actually good at what he did made it more annoying.”
“Yeah…” I sighed. “I miss him. When he was around, I always, always, wished he’d just leave me alone for more than five seconds, stop hovering, but now I’d give anything for him to try and tell me he was better. I’m not sure when it happened- I used to be very good at being alone, you know, being on my own… but now? I- I miss him. I miss having my big brother around to- to bitch and moan to about my stupid boyfriends, or girlfriends. I miss Meredith just being the sister-in-law instead of my actual sister.”
“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t left, that I should’ve fought to have Mark remembered every day. And I do, I mean, Sofia is a living, breathing reminder of him, but it’s different.”
“It’s all so different now.” I circled my spoon in my coffee. “God, can we go back to stressing about Dr. Bartley and Arizona?”
“I’d rather not.” Callie smiled. “Tell me something about… I don’t know. Tell me about Tom Koracick! I heard some rumors here and there, but-“
“But not all that good?” I laughed. Callie nodded, eating a piece of her sandwich. It looked like a good sandwich.
“Zona talked about him- apparently Dr. Handsome studied under him…”
“So did I.” I smiled. “I had lab with Kai in my third year. They probably don’t remember, because I was a very different person then, but yeah, I had lab with them, from Tom.”
“Is he good?”
“As a surgeon, or in bed?” I quickly stuffed my face with a piece of my panini to avoid Callies eyes.
“Oh my God!” Callie grinned. “You slept with your teacher?”
‘He saved my life, okay! It was thank-you-for-your-service-sex.” I squirmed. Her eyes were still lit with that excitement.

For a while we talked about Tom, his stupid behavior. And it dawned upon me, how much Callie would’ve probably liked Tom. He was a good man, despite his asshole behavior. Something like Mark, in a way. Assertive, sexiness and bossy, and still, if you pushed and scraped long enough on his hard surface and exterior, you’d see small cracks, and know in how much he’d been his entire life.
I think that’s why he was the only one giving me a chance. Every fellowship I applied to, denied me, based on addiction. I was the best resident in my class, but I was denied over and over again. Until Tom had a surgery at the hospital I worked at, and offered me a spot as his fellow. It wasn’t an offer, actually, more a very strong ‘you’re coming with me, whether you like it or not, because every other neurosurgeon will ruin you and your gift.’
And he was right, he shaped me into the best damn neurosurgeon on the west coast. “Amelia?” Callie asked. “You okay? You went somewhere, just now.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s nothing.” I said. I finished my last piece of my meal, and chugged my coffee after it. This conference had been far more than a conference, it had been closer and beginnings, and reminders. I hadn’t expected that when I flew out to be here. “We should get back. It’s almost a quarter to two.”

My second presentation went fine. There were a lot less questions, a lot less people, too. I was kind of glad, maybe I’d get some sleep before dinner this way.
I made my way back to my room, caught up with the innovations of the world, and changed into my sweats. I thought about showering, but that way I’d get less sleep. I put my phone on silent except my emergency contacts, and hit the deck.
I groaned at the sound of my phone. “Come on! What do I have to do to get some sleep?” I asked the big man in the sky, not that he answered me. It was Tom.
“Shepherd! My favorite student! What ya doing tonight?” The jovial voice of my mentor asked. When he was like this, it usually meant he wanted something from me.
“What do you want Tom?” I asked.
“I have a hemangioblastoma the size of Florida in fifty six year old construction worker, some dislodged disks and a very dense cord. If you’re bored, you know, from the conference craziness, need those hands to do some work… you know, be an actual surgeon, you could join me.” Tom rambled in his usual monotone voice.
“Ask me for help.” I said.
“Come on, Shep… it’s the size of Florida, you don’t want to miss that. I know you well enough to know you don't want to miss that.” He appealed.
“Ask me for my help, and I’ll be there in thirty minutes.” I repeated. I loved playing this game with him. It was our thing. I could hear him be annoyed from the other side of the phone.
“Fine. I need your help, my residents are incompetent and I need someone who anticipates my moves and mirrors them.” He said.
“That wasn’t a question.” I said, falling back to bed. “Goodnight Tom-“
“Please, dearest doctor Amelia Frances Shepherd, will you help me resect Florida?”
I smiled. “I’ll see you in thirty minutes.”

I stepped though the well know front doors of the hospital I had worked at for years. It had the same yellow white walls, the same statue in front of the building, and the same, big constructional look from the outside.
“Where are you going?” I heard from the gallery. I smiled, knowing he couldn’t see me yet.
“To meet Florida.” I said. “And then to steal a resident. Aylean- is she working today?” I asked.
“How’d you know Aylean?” Tom asked, handing his tablet to the person at the front desk, who handed me a badge with my picture on it. “Secret hook up?”
“Yes, we had sex in the bathroom of the plane I met her on. Satisfied?” I joked.
“Girl on girl… I didn’t know you swung that way. You’re getting hotter the older you become. Way to go, Shep.” He smirked.
“I’m going to choose to ignore how creepy and wrong that sounds.” I sighed.
“Come on… I was joking!” I walked past him, heading to the locker room to get some clean scrubs. I assumed I had full privileges, so I grabbed a pager from the desk, clipped it to my waistband, and clipped my badge to my breast pocket. I also stole a pen from the nurses station, and started putting my hair up. Shit i don’t have my own scrub caps….
“Where’s Florida?” I asked. “And does Florida have a God given name?”
“4011. Name’s Henry Schiffelten.” Tom said, handing me the chart. I skimmed through it, not seeing anything substantial. “You wanna meet him before we go in? He’s doped up, so he’s very pleasant. Little old for you, though.”
I sighed, handing Tom the chart back. “Have you paged Aylean yet? I want her in on this, I want to see what she’s made off.”

We made our way down the neurowing of John’s Hopkins Medical centre. It had almost twenty years since I had last set foot in this place. We reached 4011.
“Mr. Schiffelten,” I said, stepping inside, “I’m Dr. Shepherd, I’ll be assisting with your surgery today. How are you doing?”
“I need another neurosurgeon?” He asked Tom.
“Dr. Shepherd was trained by me. I promise you, she’s almost as good as me.” I coughed, and gave him a side eye. “If I needed brain surgery, I’d ask her. But only because I wasn’t available. And you, dear sir, get both of us. You ready to roll?” He said, slapping his bedside. There was a nonchalance around him, always. It soothed patients, in a weird way.
“I’d like to introduce myself too.” I heard a voice behind me say. “I’m Dr. Mildridge. I will be assisting, too, and oversee you post-op.”
“I need three neurosurgeons?” The patient asked. “You told me it wasn’t that bad. How is it not that bad if I need three people to cut open my spine?”
“Oh, no, the surgery itself is no problem. I have done dozens, Shepherd has done dozens. And Dr. Mildridge is a resident, she could learn a lot from your surgery. You’re in good hands with us.” Tom said. He could play nice with people who were not his coworkers, I knew that, but it was also always a surprise to actual witness the niceness, even if I knew he was just nice because he excited to take this thing out.
“Okay…” Mr. Schiffleten said. “Let’s do it.”