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Merlin sat down in the corner booth, setting his coffee down, and pulling out his textbook. He yawned as he started plugging his headphones into his phone. He had just started duteously flipping to the chapter on foreign policy in World War II when he glanced up at the entrance of another customer. The man stumbled through the door and walked to the counter, leaning over it as he lost his balance. Merlin suppressed a chuckle at the obviously hammered man.
"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" the cashier asked, far too polite for four in the morning.
"May you? I don't know, may you?" the man asked, his smirk suddenly turning into a frown as he concentrated, "Wait a moment, that's not right." He continued to contemplate as the employee looked at him with amusement before shaking his head and looking at the menu above him.
"I would like some chicken nug - no, wait," he pursed his lips, finger on his chin, and swayed slightly,"I want a cheeseburger." He smiled triumphantly at finally making a decision. Merlin stopped listening and tried to concentrate on his history notes as the man paid for his meal and entered the seating area. Merlin couldn't stop himself from watching the man out of the corner of his eye.
The seating area was arranged with benches along three walls, tables at each of them. In the middle of the square room were two aisles of small tables with a bench on each side. Merlin sat in the corner table, nestled in the crook of two walls. The man entered the area through the aisle directly in front of Merlin but he didn't seem to notice his presence. He slowly made his way down the aisle, holding the back of the benches as support. At one point, his foot got caught on a loose tile and he hit his elbow on the table to his right. He let out a surprisingly soft curse, rubbing his elbow and looking at the table as if it had personally attacked him. After what felt like ten minutes, the man collapsed into a bench right across from Merlin’s, facing towards Merlin, all the while mumbling to himself. Merlin thought he heard the man say something about the table trying to kill him with magic but he couldn’t be sure. The man dropped his head into his hands and didn’t say another word.
Merlin thought he had fallen asleep and looked back down to his book, chewing on the end of his pen, until he saw the man’s snap up suddenly. His eyes were wide as he stared right at Merlin, looking slightly terrified.
“Who are you?” he exclaimed; then he whipped his head around. “How long have I been out?”
Merlin raised his eyebrow, “Five minutes?”
“It was the table, I bet, sneaky bastard,” he was back to rubbing his head when the cashier brought out his food and laid it in front of him.
Merlin shook his head, a faint smile on his lips as he watched the man turn the burger over in his hand, looking at it like it might jump out of the wrapper. It took him a good four minutes just to unwrap the whole thing. He pushed the wrapper to the side and took the burger into both of his hand, watching it carefully. As he brought to his mouth, a drop of ketchup fell into his lap and he jumped in surprise.
His eyebrows furrowed and he looked down at his lap. Merlin watched as the man’s eyes widened and he lifted up the end of his shirt, staring at it.
“Is this blood?!” His voice was panicked. He brought the shirt to his nose, sniffing it before abruptly pulling back, his face scrunched up. Letting his shirt fall back into place, he looked back down to the burger he had put down a moment before. Its top bun had slipped off and the man started picking off the pickles on top.
“I specifically asked for no onions on my burger,” he grumbled, hunched over the table as he meticulously cleared his food of the unwanted topping.
Merlin was almost to the point of face palming as he watched this scene in front of him. The man seemed to have forgotten he was there again so he continued watching shamelessly. The man managed to put the bun back on and seemed to be ready to finally take a bite. He brought it to his lips and nibbled the end before stopping and furrowing his eyebrows. Merlin sighed exasperatedly. The man set the sandwich down again and took off the top bun, a look of outrage growing on his face.
“Where are my damn pickles?” he all but shouted, ”I asked for extra pickles!”
Merlin couldn’t hold back the giggle at the man’s anger. He tried to stifle his laugh by covering his mouth with his hand. The man heard the laughter and stared at Merlin coldly.
“Did you take my pickles?” he asked, his teeth gritted. Merlin pressed his lips together but lost all control, his laughter escaping and his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. The man looked taken aback, and then furious. He leaned forward on his table.
“You give me my pickles right now or I will have the guards take you away,” he growled.
This just forced another string of sniggers out of Merlin before he rolled his eyes and pointed towards the man’s tray. “Your damn pickles are right in front of you, you prat,” he said, amusement coloring his voice. The man looked down and saw the pickles, his anger disappearing and his body deflating.
“Oh.” He continued to stare down at his burger before shaking his head and burying his face in his hands. Merlin saw the man’s face crumple slightly before he covered it, appearing to be on the verge of tears. He froze, not sure what to do. The man sniffled a few times and Merlin slowly made his way over to his bench.
“Are you alright?” he asked uncertainly, peering down to try to glimpse the man’s face. The man shook his head and turned his head toward Merlin.
“I’m sorry,” his voice was weak, and Merlin decided, quite pathetic-sounding, ”I shouldn’t have threatened to have the guards take you away.” He sniffled again. Merlin knelt down so he was eye-level with the emotional man in front of him. He put his hand on his shoulder and awkwardly patted it.
“That’s alright, I’ll be okay,” he assured. The man shook his head again, more violently this time and looked at Merlin.
“No! It’s not alright.” His eyes focused on Merlin’s face. Merlin suddenly felt the man’s fingertips grazing his cheek. “Oh god,” he breathed, sounding horrified, “you’re attractive.” His hand dropped from Merlin’s face. Merlin smiled, still unsure of how to react.
“Thank you, I think,” the man didn’t respond and continued wallowing in whatever caused his breakdown, “how about we get you home, yeah?” Merlin still had all of his reading to do, but it was apparent this man was completely helpless and he feared for what might happen to him if he left him in this state. The man nodded silently and let Merlin pull him to his feet, his cheeseburger long forgotten. Merlin left the man standing to quickly grab his things and rushed back over to catch the other man before he face-planted onto the ground.
Merlin somehow managed to get the guy into the front seat and pulled onto the road leading back to campus. “So do you live on campus or off?” Merlin hoped he would be able to get his address out of him still. Thankfully, the man replied with an address that Merlin desperately hoped was actually his. The man was leaning his head against the passenger door window so that Merlin could only see the side of his face if he glanced over.
“You know, if I weren’t completely smashed right now, I’d probably ask for your number?” Merlin tried to hold back his smile and refused to feel any butterflies in his stomach. The man was out of his mind; he didn’t know what he was saying. Right?
“If you weren’t completely smashed right now, I wouldn’t have even considered driving you home,” Merlin replied, “I have a feeling you’re even more obnoxious sober than you are now.” The man laughed, a genuine one, and Merlin’s heart stopped for a moment at the man’s smile, directed at him.
It was silent after that. Merlin thought the guy had fallen asleep, but when he arrived at the apartment building, the man started opening the door and attempting to walk to the building. Merlin ran after him, just barely catching him, and led him to his apartment as directed. Once inside, Merlin guided the half-asleep man to the first place he found – what he assumed was the living room right inside the entrance – and laid him on the couch. A blanket was draped across the back and he pulled it over the other man, silently tucking him in. Merlin found a trash in the kitchen, some painkillers, and a bottle of water that he placed next on the table next to the man’s head. He was sleeping now, snoring slightly with his mouth hanging open.
Merlin realized he was staring, watching some stranger as he was sleeping. He arranged everything he had gathered before quietly slipping back out and leaving in his car.
***
Arthur woke the next morning, his head throbbing and his vision slightly blurred. The first thing he saw was a bottle of pills and water and he grasped at them like his only lifeline, downing the pills with one swallow. Slightly more awake, he noticed the piece of paper lying next to the water, with a scrawl of words hastily printed across it.
Dear Royal Prat King,
You probably don’t remember much from last night, but don’t worry, as far as I know, all you did while intoxicated was try to eat a cheeseburger (you failed).
Happy hangover!
Merlin (the guy who laughed at you and stole your pickles)
Arthur smiled when he saw the phone number written at the bottom. He searched his pockets and brought out his phone, squinting at the too-bright screen, and dialed carefully so he didn’t mess up any numbers.
“Hello?” a cheery voice greeted.
“So it was you who stole my pickles.”