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She finds out that Shangqi and Leiko’s broken up when she gets the text from Soo.
She’d been busy with a conjuring spell that Wong had been drilling into her, and she’d been training the whole day, focused on getting the forms right. If she could nail it, then it simply meant that she’d be even more useful out in the field; she’d be able to conjure medical supplies, weapons, even people.
It’s a useful spell, it made sense that it’d be so damn taxing to learn. She hadn’t realized the time passing until Wong kicks her out of the sanctum at six in the evening.
That’s when she pulls out her phone to read the text.
Dude?????!!!!
Soo’s next message is a screen recording of Shangqi’s Instagram profile, filtered to show his followers. Soo’s typed in Leiko’s username, and the results returned, “No users found.”
She moves so that she’s not blocking anyone on the sidewalk and scrolls to her phone’s call logs, dread welling up within her.
She sees seventeen missed calls by Shangqi.
“Fuck,” she curses, thumbing to his name to call him right back.
He picks up on the second ring. “’lo?”
“Dude, where are you?”
“I . . . I dunno.” He’s slurring the way he does when he’s completely wasted. Katy’s well aware of how he sounds like drunk off his ass, and this far surpasses that.
“What?” She asks. “Okay, you’re gonna need to help me a little here. What’s the first thing you see?”
It’s noisy where he’s at; she can hear people talking over each other in the background.
“Stars.” He just says, and god, it’s not even that dark yet.
Katy gets concerned. “Okay, and?”
She puts the conversation on speakerphone, turns up the volume as loud as possible so she can hear him well over the noise of the evening rush of people.
“It’s soooo dark.” Katy represses a sigh. Instead, she opens her Find My iPhone app and selects the option to Help A Friend.
She tells him, “Don’t lose me yet, dumbass. Keep talking to me,” as she quickly types in Shangqi’s Apple ID credentials.
“Yah, hi,” he says.
She gets his location pretty quickly. “Stay where you are okay? Don’t go anywhere else.”
“I’m ‘na stay right near.” Katy hopes he means it. “’m sorry.”
She bites her lips, foot tapping impatiently as she waits for her Lyft request to get picked up. She presses her phone against her ear and tells Shangqi, “You don’t have to be sorry. Just stay where you are; I’m coming to you.”
“’m’kay.”
It takes another fifty minutes for Katy; the ride took forever to get picked up by a driver, given the rush hour. Soon enough, the driver pulls up to a bar that Katy’s never been to before – it’s a hole-in-the-wall pub, in an area of the city that her parents warn her never to venture to.
Katy’s not an Avenger for nothing, though. And she’s got bigger problems to deal with.
There’s a line at the door which she bypasses. When she reaches the front, she presses a few hundred-dollar bills into the bouncer’s hands. She’ll think about the contents of her bank account – or lack thereof – much later.
She thinks her desperate expression must’ve been the reason why the bouncer lets her in, though.
She ignores the people cursing at her in protest for cutting the queue, and heads straight in.
She gets why Shangqi sees stars – the interior of the pub’s ceiling is decorated with fairy lights. It’s probably the pub owner’s ironic twist on the design of an otherwise sketchy bar, but Katy doesn’t pay much attention to the details.
She takes the precursory scanning of the crowd, looking out for her best friend.
It doesn’t surprise her that it takes less than a minute for her to find him. Katy’s always been attuned to him, after all. She makes her way through the crowd over to where he’s got his head lying on the table. There’s an empty bottle of brandy beside him.
Katy clucks her tongue at the brand; he must’ve wanted to get extremely shitfaced for him to get a top-shelf liquor.
She waits, staring at him.
Even in his drunken state, Shangqi’s instincts don’t fail him. He jolts up, albeit shakily, and turns to face her, fists already held up and ready to fight.
When he sees Katy standing before him, he immediately drops his stance and instead raises his arms high above his head. He smiles goofily, wildly, looking as though he’s reuniting with a long-lost friend.
It would’ve been endearing, if only Katy’s heart isn’t quite broken over the reason why she’s seeing him in this state.
“Kaaaaaaty!” He yells, toppling over his stool, pouring his body onto hers. Katy’s not strong enough to hold both of them up, and he’s pretty much dead weight on her, so they both fall over. “Oh, we’re lying down?”
She sighs and takes in a deep breath. He reeks of alcohol and cigarettes from the other occupants of the pub. She tries not to think about the sticky floor they’re lying on, reaching up to smooth the back of his head.
He nuzzles into her neck.
“Come on,” she rubs her palms on his shoulder blades. “Let’s get you out of here.”
It’s not an easy task dragging someone who’s twice as large as you are. Katy’s sweating and cursing the entire time, wishing she’s stronger as she tries to haul him out the pub. The bartender’s kind enough to stop her, passing her Shangqi’s credit card, and she thanks the man and nudges her best friend to lean back onto her body when he goes too far on the other side.
The bartender purses his lips, eyeing the two of them. She flushes in embarrassment. “You need any help?”
“Thanks, man, I got it,” she assures him.
He raises an eyebrow at her.
She smiles in a way she hopes reassures him.
Together, Katy hobbles with Shangqi out the pub. She doesn’t get a Lyft this time; she can’t afford it, and she’s already losing her strength. She sets Shangqi on the ground, lets him lean his body onto her leg, and pulls up a portal direct to his apartment.
The people on the sidewalk stop and stare.
She nods at them, smiles awkwardly, then grabs Shangqi by his arms and proceeds to drag him through her portal.
She dumps him on the other side and quickly closes it, ignoring the people who still gape at her.
Finally, alone, Katy lets her magic loose. She focuses on the energy that surrounds Shangqi, lets it lift him gently up in the air, and carry him over to his bed. There, she arranges him so that his upper body’s tilted up; she’s been on the other end of one-too-many drunken nights out, and knows that lying flat on your back blocks your airways.
Shangqi’s got his eyes closed. She thinks he might be asleep.
Katy goes to his small kitchen and pulls open the cupboard below his sink. She takes out the bucket she bought for him when he’d first moved in, and places it right beside his bed where it’s easy for him to reach.
She pulls on his shoulder so that he leans forward and rearranges his pillow, makes it more comfortable for him so he doesn’t get a crick in his neck.
Then she heads back into the kitchen, makes herself some instant coffee, and drags a chair to his bedside. Katy sits, placing her coffee on his bedside table, and pulls out her phone.
It’s just past midnight; she sees a text from her mother asking her where she is. She replies, I’ll be home in the morning. There’s an emergency.
Sometime past four, Shangqi predictably jolts awake. He turns to his left side where Katy’s placed the bucket and vomits out the contents of his lone night out.
Katy grimaces, then leans forward to rub at his back soothingly.
When he’s done, she presses a glass of water to his hand. He takes it, rinses his mouth, and spits into the bucket. He moans in agony, placing the glass back on his bedside table, and then rubs at his temples. “Fuck me.”
Katy sighs. “Need me to help you get to your shower?”
He shakes his head, and then groans when the movement causes him pain. Katy winces in solidarity. “I’ll be okay. I got everything I needed to get out my system when I puked my guts out.”
“Oh, great, you’re finally talkative again,” Katy says, relieved. Then she pinches him on his forearm, ignoring him when he yelps. “What the fuck, man?”
Shangqi pulls his arm away from her, rubbing at it gingerly. “What d’you do that for?”
“We have a deal, moron,” she reaches over to pinch him again. “No getting drunk off our asses unless we’ve got each other or Soo with us. You broke that rule. You owe me a hot breakfast and a day off.”
He sighs instead of picking up his usual banter.
Katy immediately becomes somber.
Shangqi’s shoulders droop. He stares at Katy, looking conflicted, then he drops his head to his hands.
It’s in the way his whole body speaks what he can’t verbally say. Katy feels her heart lurch, unable to stand seeing him in any capacity of pain. She moves to sit beside him and leans her head on his shoulder. She thinks she feels him shudder once, then she hears the sniffle.
She tries her best to think of a way to best comfort him.
This wasn’t Shangqi’s first breakup. She knows it won’t be his last.
She knows there’s always going to be the next one.
A new Leiko.
A new reason for Katy’s heart to break apart all over again.
And she’d resigned herself to understanding, to stand at the background and let Shangqi have a piece of herself that he doesn’t know belongs to him.
She’d been fine with that, had made her peace with it.
Seeing him cry now, though, makes Katy wish she can find some sort of way to turn back time. She considers getting Wong or even Strange to teach her; changing reality, changing the course of events that would’ve made Shangqi break apart like this, would be far more rewarding than any other achievement she could’ve possibly had.
She doesn’t know how to, though, so instead, she twines her arm around his, and whispers, “I’m really sorry.”
When Shangqi cries, he doesn’t make a sound. It only hurts her even more because she knows it’s a product of his upbringing.
Show no emotion.
Hold it all in.
Never let anyone see you falter.
Don’t let them see you vulnerable.
She feels a little relieved that he lets her see him like this; it’s a very precious thing to have someone she loves trust her so completely, so entirely, that he allows her to be in his space when he’s most emotional.
His whole body trembles.
Katy presses closer, holds him tighter as he breaks.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next time Katy sees Leiko, gone is the woman’s calm and sweet facade.
Katy’s a beast now when it comes to magic.
She thinks she makes Wong proud with every training session where she proves she’s gotten stronger, faster, more durable. She’s proud enough to admit that she’s one of his better pupils; she isn’t ashamed because she spends so much time and effort, blood, sweat, and tears.
The magic glows an almost blood-orange at her fingertips.
Leiko glances down at Katy’s hands, then quickly averts her gaze.
On the projector screen, Leiko’s presentation still flashes. It says simply, Xu Shangqi – Evaluation: Non-Threat.
Katy’s not a tracker; for all that she is, she’s only someone good in the field when they needed extra manpower. The only contributions she had for the Avengers was to simply provide support, and that’s a role that she’s comfortable with, because she gets to have her own brand of protecting Shangqi and watching over his back when he needs it the most.
Yelena hadn’t even questioned Katy when she’d come up to her with the request and a bottle of the best vodka her money could buy. She’d given Katy a shit-eating grin, requested for her to give her two days, and soon she was passing Leiko’s coordinates and routine to her.
That’s how she’d found out about Leiko’s MI-6 bosses and the meeting.
It was quick enough work for Katy to time her arrival, then create a portal right after Leiko was done presenting her report on Shangqi to her bosses.
She’d made sure the room had cleared out before she stepped right into it.
Leiko looks at her now, one hand on her gun holster.
Katy tilts her head at her, smirking. “You really think that’s gonna do something, huh?”
“I don’t.” Leiko replies. “I know my losses when I see it.”
Katy takes a seat opposite of her. “I just wanted to make sure you were telling the truth to your bosses, is all.”
“I don’t know what else you’d think I’d tell them,” Leiko looks frustrated.
Katy shakes her head. “I know you wouldn’t . . . betray him like that. Not after what went down between the two of you. But I still needed to make sure.”
The other woman rests her back against her chair. She looks over Katy, pursing her lips. “Most people would take this opportunity to celebrate, you know. The possibility of unrequited love finally getting reciprocated is a temptation many fall for.”
Katy doesn’t even question why Leiko knows.
She wouldn’t be a spy, otherwise.
“I love him, as did you.” She pretends Leiko doesn’t flinch at the reminder. She offers her that semblance of kindness because Katy’s always been brought up to treat others the same way she wishes they’d treat her. “You wouldn’t be able to hurt him, just like I wouldn’t. I came here because I wanted to ensure that your bosses knew just who they were dealing with, and also because you cared for him.
“And because you cared for him, and you loved him, I care for you too.”
At this, Leiko’s stoic expression breaks. She falters at Katy’s confession.
“I don’t understand. Why are you saying this?”
Katy walks over to her. Places a hand on her shoulder. “Because, had it been me, I would’ve wished for some kindness too.”
She opens a portal. Before she exits, she turns back to Leiko and says pleasantly, “Feel free to give your bosses my number. I’d be down anytime for a chat.”
Katy’s a non-terrifying person. She thinks she’s physically incapable of being presented as a threat. Nonetheless, the dangerous grin she sends towards Leiko presents a warning. Don’t try this again.
Her fingertips glow blood-orange when she waves at the other woman.
Leiko’s eyes flit to her hands, then she nods, understanding the context.
Katy leaves.
~~~~~~~~~~
In the months after, Shangqi gets overwhelmingly overprotective.
Katy finds out in the worst way.
He alternates between indifference and irritability that they often blend together to form a special kind of astringency that, if Katy had been any less patient, she would’ve screamed at him in frustration.
She understands, though, that his reaction to Leiko’s betrayal is a culmination of his past trauma and trust issues. She tries her best to be understanding, to practice empathy towards her best friend who’s still hurting, but god it’s so fucking difficult.
Especially when he doesn’t let her go anywhere without him.
“Dude, come on, you really don’t have to come,” she tells him, frowning severely. “I’m literally just going to be with Wong. It won’t even take a day.”
He shakes his head, thumbing through his phone. She knows he’s checking for missions with their Captain, attempting to find a replacement so he can string along.
Katy has to remind herself that Shangqi tends to go where she goes, and that most of the time, this is a good thing.
Except she can’t bear the sight of seeing him pretend he’s fine. That he’s coping well with his loss, even if he isn’t. That he’s pretending he and Leiko never existed. That the person who he was with her, someone freer, someone happier, hadn’t existed.
Katy does her best to grapple with the pain that comes with the understanding that she hadn’t always been the reason behind Shangqi’s source of happiness. She’s made her peace with it; there is, after all, going to be another person someday who he’ll love, and be loved by in return.
She knows love isn’t measured by who reciprocates it, but in the trust that you have in the genuine happiness of the person you love.
She tries to remember this now as Shangqi thumbs through his phone.
The bracelet he’s gotten for her rattles when she reaches up to wrap her hand around his own wrist. She makes him stare at her in the eye.
His gaze trembles when he looks at her. There’s a vulnerability there that he keeps hidden after that first night since he’d found out the truth about Leiko. She gives him what she hopes is a reassuring smile.
“What’s all this about, hey?” She squeezes his wrist. “Talk to me, please.”
Shangqi doesn’t let his gaze fall. There must be something that he sees in Katy that tears down the walls he’s built. “I can’t . . . I don’t even know where to start, K.”
She pulls him so they’re both seated on the ground.
Katy pushes the books she’d been rearranging in the sanctum’s library so they’re comfortable. They lean against the bookshelf, sides pressed close together.
He picks up the same hand that has the bracelet he gave her and traces it. He’s quiet for a while, and Katy lets him collect his thoughts. Then, “I keep thinking that I should hate her. And I hate that I can’t. I want to forget. Everything. All of it. If I could, then I wouldn’t have to be reminded of how fucking stupid I was.”
“Don’t say that,” she nudges him. “You loved her.”
“And she played me like a fucking fiddle,” he shakes his head. He lets go of Katy’s hand, presses his own pair against the top of his thighs where he clenches them so hard that Katy sees the tendons. She pulls one tightly fisted hand over to her own lap and rubs at it.
Katy has a million and one things to say but she doesn’t. This is the first time in months he’s even brought her up – she won’t let it go, even if it hurts her to hear, directly from him, the magnitude of the love he had for Leiko.
And maybe he still does.
He wouldn’t feel so strongly about her now, in this way, if he didn’t.
Shangqi continues, “I just keep thinking about every moment I had with her, you know? She told me she loved me, but then she turned and stabbed me right in the back. Now I can’t tell what’s real or not. That’s why I ended it, ended us, because I couldn’t figure it out and I simply didn’t want to.”
“But . . .?”
He sighs deeply, lets his head fall back lightly against the bookshelf. The hand that’s on Katy’s lap unfolds, and he wraps his fingers around hers. She squeezes it in solace, and because she’s only human, and this is the man she’s been in love with for so long, she feels her heart stutter.
She doesn’t stamp it down; she can’t. It’s ingrained in her to enjoy whatever little morsel of him that was afforded to her.
“I really did love her, you know.”
Katy thinks there’s really no other possible manner for her heart to break any more than it does now.
She leans her head on his shoulder. “I know you still do.”
She feels the phantom of old pain rear up again when he doesn’t reply, confirming what Katy had suspected all along.
“God,” Shangqi squeezes her hand again. He leans his head on hers. “What would I even do without you?”
~~~~~~~~~~
It takes a year before she gets to see the smile she missed so much return.
They’re sitting across each other in their favorite diner, just after watching a movie. It’d been their first day off in a long while; Katy hasn’t felt this much jubilation at having a Friday night all to herself without needing to share it with some otherworldly threat.
She’s got two fries in her mouth, mocking the crappy B-rated werewolf movie they’d watched just for the heck of it, when she sees his eyes brighten, crinkle up, in the way that she gets her breath stolen from her.
She hadn’t realized she’d missed his smile so goddamn much until then.
“What?” He asks, seeing her smile softly at him. He’s still got amusement playing at the corners of his lips. “I got something on my chin, don’t I?”
Because he’s dumb, and because he’s never really thinking much, he takes his metal spoon from the sundae they’d been sharing and tries to check his reflection off the back of it. Katy doesn’t tell him that he’s got his phone right there beside him, where he can just turn on the front camera to get a proper check-through.
She sits back, feeling lighter than she’s ever had before, because it feels like she’s finally gotten her best friend back.
~~~~~~~~~~
It gets a little tricky after that.
Katy notices that things become . . . different.
She doesn’t know what triggers it.
All she knows is that sometimes Shangqi stares at her in a way he hadn’t before. Like he’s trying to figure her out, even if he knows her like the back of his hand. He doesn’t look away when she catches him, only gives her a quick, impish smile before they go back to whatever banter they’d been on about.
It’s a scary thing.
Katy’s never been afraid of anything in her life.
But this terrifies her because she doesn’t know what to do when that smile he sends her is different from the ones she knows. Her heart hammers because she’s seen him smile like that only when looking at Leiko before. It’s a heady feeling but all the more it petrifies her – whatever’s happening between them, she can’t figure it out, and because she can’t, she doesn’t exactly know how to respond to it.
Shangqi’s touches grow bolder.
This, she notices too.
She doesn’t know if it’s intended, or if it’s a product of how close they’d gotten, walls all but ripped apart between the two of them.
Well, she thinks of the secret she’d harbored for years, not all of them.
She’s got a traitorous heart that beats away whenever he leans too close to her, getting as close as her personal space allowed. There are times when they’re simply standing, looking over mission plans on the holograms, and he’ll stand right behind her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder so that he pulls her to his chest.
When he rests his chin on her head, Katy feels faint.
It happens all the damn time he does it, too.
She tries to inch away, pretending she’s needed somewhere else, but Shangqi reads her too well and follows right along.
It’s not just those instances that she notices.
Shangqi’s always been pretty protective of Katy. It’s been a constant since they met in high school. He used to walk her home after school.
In university, whenever he’d visited her, he’d walk her to her classes.
When they’d worked as valets, he made sure to take up the same shiftwork as she had, and every morning and evening, without fail, he’d gone with her.
He doesn’t come with her on missions where he’s not needed anymore, not after Wong’s given him a strict talking-to, arguing about the need for Katy to learn. “She’s not going to learn anything if you’re literally putting her behind you all the damn time.”
But on missions that they’re both assigned to, Katy finds out very quickly that Shangqi has a streak of bleak, dangerous vengeance whenever she’s in any kind of remote danger.
Mostly, she tries to keep away from the fight – Katy’s not good at close-range, so she stays either high above the ground where her arrows find their targets more easily, or she’s conjuring things that helps the team progress in the fight.
She recalls a time when Shangqi had gone berserk after an alien had knocked Katy over, and she’d lost her footing on the rooftop of the building she’d scaled with Kate Bishop. She heard him scream her name through her comms, and it’s the same scream in her nightmares from when she’d fallen from the scaffolding.
But Katy’s stronger now.
Instead of letting herself fall, Katy turns in the air, and creates a portal that drops her a few feet right above the street Shangqi and the grounds team had been fighting on.
She hadn’t even managed to catch her breath when Shangqi grabbed her, hauling her to him.
The way he’d clutched onto Katy then reminded her of the aftermath of the battle in Ta Lo. She’d been in too much shock, then, to register her heart hammering away in her chest, and that if she focused, she could very well feel his own heart beating furiously.
There are other smaller moments that she notices, too.
Whenever he visits her home, and Waipo teases, “When are you getting married?” he doesn’t say that they’re just friends anymore. There’s a time when she catches him winking at her Waipo, who looks so delighted that she actually hobbles over to the family altar and begins burning incense for her Waigong.
Ruihua teases her about it occasionally. Tells her that Waipo’s asking Waigong for some auspicious dates.
And then there are times when they head out somewhere nice with Soo.
Katy doesn’t have many clothes that’s appropriate for the swankier bars Soo prefers. She loves her jeans and shorts too much; sometimes, if she feels like it, she’ll put on pants that may or may not be audacious enough to embarrass Soo.
She does it because she likes the way Soo pretends she’s embarrassed by Katy’s blatant in-your-face attitude, but she knows her friend adores this side of Katy.
Sometimes, though, Soo has to wrangle Katy into something fancier. She plays nice and lets Soo play human Barbie with her. She does it because, ultimately, when Shangqi picks them up from Soo’s place, his jaw drops, and he immediately shrugs his blazer off to wrap it around Katy.
“Aren’t you cold?” He’ll say. “I think you’re cold–”
“It’s literally a hundred out, dude,” Soo says on Katy’s behalf.
“ – yeah, see, you’re cold, in you go.” And Shangqi continues to ignore Soo as he shoves Katy into his blazer.
These are moments that confuses Katy.
And they frighten her.
Because she doesn’t know what to do and is too fearful to think of the possibilities.
She’s never been afraid of anything in her life.
But she’s terrified of this.
She doesn’t want to think about what these moments mean – if only because if it means what she thinks they do, then there’s the horrible likelihood that it’s a step into a direction that they can’t go back on.
And Katy doesn’t want that. She doesn’t because she can’t lose him.
She can’t.
~~~~~~~~~~
She doesn’t know how Shangqi finds out about the date.
Sorry, she sees Soo’s text, he just kept on pestering me.
Fuck.
Katy tries to sink down her seat, looking at everywhere else but the direction where she feels imploring eyes.
Opposite of her, Torres – no, Joaquin – laughs nervously. “I think this means this date’s a bust?”
She grimaces. “I’m so sorry. He’s not usually like this.”
“No, no, I mean,” he shrugs. “I didn’t know he liked you like that.”
“He doesn’t.”
Joaquin looks at her skeptically.
She ignores it.
“I do think we’re better off as teammates, though,” Joaquin smiles at her, and she has to smile back, because he’s right.
He’s a genuine guy, good-looking, and maybe if Katy puts in some effort, she’ll be able to see him in a different light that’s not team or colleague. “We should wrap it up before your guy over there explodes.”
Katy deliberately ignores where Joaquin points at Shangqi’s table – god, how’d he even find one in this restaurant on such notice – and pokes at her leftover steak. “Yeah, we should.”
Joaquin grins cheekily at her, as if he can sense the impending fight that’s going to inevitably happen between Katy and Shangqi. “Let me know if you need backup.” He picks up his other utensil and flaps it up and down, mimicking his flight armor, and Katy snorts.
He grabs the bill before she does, pays quickly, and then proceeds to complain when she Venmo’s him her share. She sticks out her tongue at him, and they move quickly out of the restaurant.
She isn’t even out for five minutes when she hears him call, “Katy.”
Joaquin whistles and holds his hands up, staring over her shoulder. “Yep, that’s my sign. Catch you later, K.”
Katy’s friends with Joaquin, so she knows just how much of a little shit he can be. It doesn’t surprise her when he lets out a smirk and quickly leans down to press a kiss to her cheek before he jogs away.
Fucking coward, she thinks, watching his back.
Katy can feel Shangqi right behind her. He wraps a hand around her elbow, turning her gently around.
He’s frowning, brows pulled together. He’s clenching his jaw so tightly that she thinks he might break a tooth or two. He’s got a tick on his forehead and looks one wrong word away from blowing a gasket.
Katy swallows. Finds her courage. “What?”
“What do you mean, what?” Shangqi scoffs. He keeps his hand around her elbow.
She’s well aware that they’re in public. Katy doesn’t want to fight in such a public space, so she meekly says, “Can we not do this here? I don’t want to make a scene.”
Shangqi lets her arm go. He crosses his arms over his chest and nods.
Katy sighs, knowing she’s in so much trouble, and quickly pulls up a portal that brings them to his apartment where she knows they’ll have the privacy they need.
As soon as they’re alone, Shangqi pulls the tie he’d been wearing apart. Katy tries not to feel too taken by his appearance; it’s a rare sight for her to see him all dressed up in a dress shirt and pants that’s tailored to fit him very nicely.
She puts her purse on his kitchen table warily, and watches as he goes on to pace the length of limited space his apartment can afford.
It’s only because Katy’s known him for so long now that she lets him work out whatever it is he needs to run through in his mind.
She doesn’t walk away to let him stew in his own thoughts because she knows he’ll only turn to avoidance, and with avoidance comes a whole new round of selfish bluffing that she isn’t willing to have to go through again.
Finally, he stops, standing right in front of her.
He looks just as terrified as she does.
It feels as if they’re both about to jump off a cliff.
“I thought,” he swallows. He sighs, clenches his jaw, and takes a step closer to her. He looks down, meeting her gaze. “I thought that we were working on something.”
Oh, motherfucker.
Katy breaks.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Katy,” he says, and the way he says it makes Katy feel like the beginning and ending of her world as she knows it depends on the outcome of their conversation. “Are we really going to do this?”
“Do what?”
At this, Shangqi simply jerks his head back and stares at her strangely. He takes a moment, then suddenly, he bursts out laughing. His laugh turns into chortles, and then his chortles turns into full on belly-laughs that Katy’s helpless against.
And how couldn’t she be; when he’s like this? All free, and joyful, and so very happy – and isn’t that what she’s wanted for him all along, to have all the exuberance that’s available in the world, because he’s very much deserved it?
Katy stays very still. It’s not a thing she’s used to, being as fidgety and hyperactive as she’s always been.
Shangqi wipes his hands across his eyes, looking at her with so much mirth and an emotion that Katy doesn’t want to examine – refuses to – and she feels like her heart’s going to jump right out of her throat if he doesn’t stop looking at her like that.
Katy’s always been the braver one between the two of them.
But in this instance, Shangqi blows right pass her.
He’s the one who takes a step forward.
He’s the one who gingerly presses his hand against her cheek.
He’s the one who tries – and fails – to subtly wipe away Joaquin’s kiss against her cheek even if there’d been no trace of it anymore.
He’s the one who leans down and lets his forehead rest on hers. He doesn’t let his gaze on her drop.
He’s the one who says, “God, Katy, you’re so fucking stubborn.”
And, he’s the one who whispers, “I love you, Katy Chen. Don’t ever change.”
And even if she’s terrified, even if she’s scared beyond her wits, even if she knows that losing him will destroy her forever, she lets him press his lips against hers.
When she kisses him back, Katy feels infinite.
~~~~~~~~~~
It’s such a strange feeling.
She’s loved him for so long now that she doesn’t quite believe it when he tells her he loves her. She doesn’t – can’t – hide anything from him now, so she tells him just as such. Shangqi’s only response is to press her closer to him, “That’s okay. I’ll just keep showing it to you until you do.”
It’s an adjustment, for sure.
It doesn’t just take months – it spans years.
As close as they’d been, Katy and Shangqi had never quite orbited around each other in the way they do now. It’s a tender line that they have to balance, and it’s precarious, because any wrong shift can turn their devotion into an obsession.
They evolve from being close friends to lovers, sharing a bond so intimate that it honestly frightens Katy because she doesn’t know what to do with a relationship this cherished.
It’s so strange to Katy to be able to express her love for him freely, to be able to reach out for him and have him reach back.
Katy thinks she’s lucky to have found a love so precious.
She thinks about how incredible it is to love and be loved in return. She knows that not everyone is afforded the same reality.
She thinks about this every time he puts a hand at the small of her back when they walk together, always together. She thinks about it whenever he sends a message in the morning, and one more at night, without fail – he’s the one who ensures that he gives her a reason to think about him the first and last thing in the morning and night respectively.
She thinks about it in the way how he replaces her bracelet with a pendant he’s carved himself.
Katy still keeps the bracelet, though. She can’t bring herself to throw it away even if she does sometimes associate it with painful memories. She doesn’t throw it away because it’s still a gift from Shangqi, and anything from him is precious.
She keeps it in a box, stored safely away at the foot of her bed, together with other trinkets that commemorate their shared lives together.
In it, she’s got some photos.
There’s one that’s taken long ago, in their favorite diner.
They’ve just graduated from high school, and she’s made him take a photo after he’s shot one for her. She keeps it locked away because he looked so resigned but amused at the same time; it’s a very common look he has when it comes to her, and it’s Katy’s favorite thing to look at.
She’s also got other stuff in it, like the first time he’d scored an eighty-six on their English test in their junior year in high school. Katy had known how hard he’d worked to learn American English, spending so much time poring over books with an electronic English-to-Chinese dictionary that she’d gotten for him.
Amongst the movie and bowling alley tickets that she’s kept, Katy’s also got the jade pendant his mother had given Shangqi. He’d passed it to her after Ta Lo, asking her to keep it safe because he can’t, not when he uses his body too much in a fight.
Katy doesn’t keep it on herself because she’s clumsy, and has a tendency to lose things, so she stores it in her box where it’s safe.
These are things that are treasures to her.
Katy looks over them every once in a while to remind herself that she’s lucky. That not everyone’s afforded this same luxury. That a love this blinding, a love this encompassing, is a love that’s worth it.
She thinks about all these and adds one more trinket to her box.
It’s another photo.
It’s a polaroid shot she’s taken of her left hand. In Shangqi’s handwriting, there’s a caption that says, She said yes!
~~~~~~~~~~
It’s only when Katy’s getting treated for the gun shot she’d taken to her arm when he finds out.
“I think congratulations are in order,” the doctor tells her, wiping down the medical table. The smell of antiseptic turns Katy’s stomach, and she has to try and ground herself before the bile rises up and cause an unfortunate situation.
The doctor’s words distract her though.
“Excuse me?”
“Congratulations, Katy,” he smiles at her, tapping on his clipboard.
He looks down at her stomach.
Katy feels her heart lurch.
“Katy!” She hears Shangqi cry out. He bursts into the medical room, and Katy thinks her abrasiveness may have rubbed off too much on him because he’s as loud as a donkey braying alone in a green field. “Laopo!”
She gives the other occupants of the medical center a sheepish smile, then turns to face Shangqi, who’s barreling his way towards her.
When he sees her, his shoulders visibly relax, and he quickly jogs over to where she’s sat atop her designated stretcher, swinging her feet idly as the doctor who’d been treating her ignores her husband’s antics and goes back to examining his clipboard.
Katy’s still got an IV drip in her arm, and there’s an attachment monitoring her heart rate and blood pressure, so Shangqi skids to a stop. He looks over her, nods once in satisfaction that she’s okay, and then moves between her legs so he can cup her face and press a kiss to her forehead.
Even years later, he never fails to make Katy’s heart skip a beat.
She tilts her head up further, nudging the underside of his chin. She feels his smile press against her lips, and he kisses her once more before he pulls away. “Thank god you’re okay.”
“It was just a graze, Laogong.” She laughs. “I’ll be fine.”
He snorts, shaking his head. His thumbs trace either side of her cheek as he turns to face the doctor and asks for confirmation.
The doctor nods, looking over them in amusement. He takes another glance at his clipboard, and then he says, “And, congratulations, again.”
Katy doesn’t need to see Shangqi’s face to know he’s got that look of utter confusion.
She sees it in her mind’s eye; it’s the same one he had when he first had to get the groceries for them, and he couldn’t figure out the brand of tampons and sanitary pads that Katy uses alternately.
It’s also the same one he has when Katy tries to catch him up on a show they’d started together, but because Shangqi’s too impatient to continue a long-form series, it’s mostly Katy who tries to fill him in on the what’s-going-on-now.
Katy tilts her body back. She grabs his hands from her face, gently presses them against her navel.
She grins at the mystified look on Shangqi’s face.
“Laopo . . .?”
“Surprise?” She giggles.
Shangqi’s eyes widen. Then –
Both Katy and the doctor scramble to grab onto him when he faints.
~~~~~~~~~~
At thirty-eight, after thirteen years dedicated to the service of the greater good, Katy gives up the mantle of being an Avenger.
She does it with the utmost pride and absolutely no regret.
Because she chooses to raise her son instead.
To her surprise, Shangqi does as well.
“I should be offended,” he scoffs at her when she tells him this, even as he grunts under the weight of putting together the new crib they’d bought in preparation for the arrival of their baby. “In fact, I am offended. You owe me giving you a foot-rub.”
Katy laughs from where she’s standing, supervising the whole process. She extends a hand and tries to help. Shangqi swats at her, shooing her away and forcing her back onto the sofa.
“Pretty sure that defeats the whole purpose of owing someone, Laogong-ah.” She says. “That part’s done up wrong, by the way.”
Shangqi curses.
Katy waits until he’s standing proudly over his work, marveling over it. She can’t help but feel a great wave of affection for this man.
She thinks that all the heartache she’d endured, the journey they’d taken together – fearful and filled with so much doubt – had all come to fruition with the life they’re sharing and, will now have the honor of extending it to, their precious treasure that she carries.
Shangqi comes over to where she rests on the sofa. He wraps an arm around her and presses a kiss to her temple.
He leans down, cupping her rounded belly, and drops a kiss there too before he rests his head right where he thinks the baby is.
They both bask in the peaceful quiet for a while.
Then, he says, “I don’t go where you can’t, Katy.”
She rests her hand on his head, smooths his hair down from where it’s gotten ruffled with all his exertion.
When their baby comes, Katy adds another trinket to her box.
There, nestled on top of the Shangqi’s Rings, is Baobao’s little footprint, taken a few days after he’d been born. Katy’s mom had insisted that she followed the very Chinese tradition of inking your newborn’s foot and pressing it against paper – who even does that, Ma, we’re all digital now – and she finds that she’s grateful for it.
The footprint serves as a reminder that Katy and Shangqi’s got a little precious treasure to look after, to love, and to hold dear.
Baobao whines a little from where he’s pressed to her chest.
Katy kisses his tiny head and adjusts the beanie she’s made for him.
It’s a clumsy attempt, and it’s obviously too large for her baby’s four-month-old head, but Shangqi had adored it so much that he’d even gone through their trash just to find it when Katy all but threw it away in resignation.
She smiles at the memory of her husband’s hands pruning while he meticulously washed Baobao’s beanie, soaking it in disinfectant while berating Katy for even considering such a travesty.
She shifts Baobao who’s nuzzling into her neck. He’s warm and smells so good, the scent of baby powder and a sweetness that’s so unique that Katy couldn’t help but press another kiss to his head.
She hefts him up higher.
“Come, Baobao, let’s go see what your Baba is up to.”
There wasn’t anyone else who’d been more surprised than her parents when Shangqi suggested taking over their family’s convenience store. Her father, who’d always treated Shangqi with aloofness, had given her husband a rare nod of approval.
Her mother cried.
So did Ruihua.
It was a far cry from the life they lived as Avengers.
Their battles now came in the form of disgruntled customers and stockpiles. They now fought against inventory, and stocking, and expiration dates of produces, and food wastage. Their enemies now amounted to the overall rental cost and resulting store revenue that would ensure it would be kept operable.
Yet they wouldn’t have it any other way.
Katy gets out of their convenience store.
It’s a breezy day out.
She’s glad for the tank top and skirt she wears, and that she’s kept her hair up in a bun.
Baobao’s little face scrunches up, as if he doesn’t approve of being outside, and Katy has to let out a laugh.
He wraps a small hand around her nose, and Katy’s smile stretches wider across her face because Baobao’s hand is so small that it barely covers her nose.
She walks towards where Shangqi’s stacking up boxes of produce. Ever aware of Katy, he turns towards her, and he immediately brightens up. Katy takes a moment to appreciate the sight, then she gives him a wide grin in response.
She gets closer to him.
“And what’s my Baobao doing here?!” He coos, taking the baby from Katy’s arms. He tickles Baobao’s round little belly, and their sweet baby gives Shangqi a toothless smile. Katy sees her husband melt completely, utterly charmed by the precious bundle.
She presses herself against him, keeping one hand on Baobao’s back, while the other she rests on the spine of Shangqi’s.
She kisses his shoulder. “Your Baobao wanted to help his Baba stack up the melons.”
Shangqi coos again, and Katy’s only human – she kisses his shoulder once more. She notices the beanie on Baobao’s head come askew, and she reaches her left hand up from where it rested on her baby’s back to fix it.
And even if her husband reeks of sunshine and sweat from a day of labor, even if Katy’s still got to tally the profit from the day before, even if the fridge that stores the Korean banana milk they’ve got in stock just broke down, even if she probably has to change Baobao’s diaper again in about thirty minutes –
These are moments, these are instances, that are hers and Shangqi’s.