Work Text:
"Areyouinlovewithmybrother–"
The bewildered gaze you showed didn't surprise him in the slightest, on the contrary, Saeran didn't understand himself either when busting the words out without breathing air in between. His eyes were glued to the ground in front of his feet, every inch of his face burned in bright red. A color that harmonized so well with his hair, however, he detested the fact you must've been able to see it under the warm light of the street lamp.
At first his heart found peace after having you agree to take a nightly walk by his side, it's often a second therapy to him as the empty streets and beautiful stars shining alongside the bright moon offered a certain kind of protection. But he prefered your company twice as much. And when combining these things that he adored with all his heart, for once his restless soul found calm. It's a warm summer night, no need for a jacket or sweatshirts, yet he wore the cream colored shirt that had been a gift of his brother.
Saeyoung.. Saeran thought about his brother a lot, not only because they're living together in that underground bunker he declared his home. It's about everything regarding their past, presence and future that Saeran broke his head over. The memories which left him with both, a broken heart and a sparkle of hope. The future, wondering if their bond will ever bloom the way it used to again, asking himself for how long they're living together. And the presence, now that Saeran could take a look with ease.
Surely there's an endless list on thoughts when it came to the person that shared his face, but this one particular question nagging at the back of his head's overweighting these days. Was Saeyoung your type? Of course, you're both flamming with your friendship since you went through hell when being beside each other. Otherwise you wouldn't have agreed to move into the bunker for some time, it's been Saeyoung's request.
Although it shouldn't bother Saeran, he couldn't help noticing that with each passing day, he found his brother's and your friendship out of ordinary. You're a polite young woman with a pretty face, it's no shocker everyone around you enjoyed the conversations you shared. The RFA's the best example. Despite it all though, you and Saeyoung always felt different to the one with mint colored eyes. More intimate, if he dared to think. You and Saeyoung shared a bond beyond his understanding, there's a deeper connection shared Saeran couldn't identify.
And it plagued him. He's aware, he's the last person that deserved to think this way, he didn't do any good for neither you nor his brother in the past. Still, there's this kindness about you that Saeran's allowed to explore. Your show of affection's obvious, it's the most open way of communication he'd ever seen. The touch of yours considerate and thoughtful, your voice soft with a slight touch of maturity. The words that you bring across easily, as if an angel spoke to him.
Saeran knew he didn't have the right to see you as anything other than his friend, he tried to repress these imaginations for the sake of your friendship. You're the first person he managed to show his heart to, tell some of his insecurities and fears. It's your number he delayed late at night after waking up from a really bad nightmare. You're there whenever he needed stability, or simply asked for comapy. And you never said no to him, not once you pushed him away because he's complicated. You treated him with care. But that affection of yours probably ended up to be the reason for the butterflies inside.
It's an wasted emotion, Saeran's more than well acquainted with the feelings inside his body. The suffocating fear deep down in his stomach. Why your voice caused his heart to skip a beat. How your embrace chased away his demons to replace it with pure light. He knew why he's excited whenever you're spending time with him, why he enjoyed your touch instead of feeling threatened. There's no denying anymore, Saeran realized soon afterwards that he fell for you. The acknowledgment hurt more than any bottle of exlir, to accept what he's feeling quite impossible. Especially after what he'd done to you and your loved ones.
But Saeran's weak. Always had been, always will be. That's never going to change, regardless how well he could handle his past or grow from the trauma. Therefore, he couldn't ignore these things any further, he'd tried for a while. Sadly it's only doing more damage. The jealousy crept up his throat whenever you're laughing with his brother, the way you both seemed to work so flawlessly made him hate himself all over again. Because Saeyoung always got the things Saeran wanted, it's like a curse. The main reason as to why he's so afraid to ask.
So when taking a walk with just you and him, the nervousness didn't leave him to inhale the fresh air like it's usually the case. He wanted to treasure every second you're willing to spend with him, but these doubts and self loathing thoughts didn't let go of his head. He's ashamed for doing this to you, even without your knowledge. Saeran's embarrassed for the love that you're igniting and the following consequences it brought. Such as envy towards his brother and possessiveness whenever the RFA's around. Or the times where he imagined your lips on his underneath the blue sky.
Saeran should've kept his mouth shut after you decided to sit down onto a bench and watch the stars for a bit. There's so much that's able to turn into disaster, it would never work out regardless how much he prayed or decided to hope. He never got his wishes fulfilled, this wasn't an exception. It's selfish, he could be lucky for you to accept him the way you did and the help you offered. It's more than he could dream of, he didn't have the right to want more. But the words left him and now you waited for him to repeat them.
At first he'd been thinking about confessing despite the justified rejection you would give him. Saeran figured it's only fair to speak the truth, you're honest with him all the time. He couldn't act arrogant, if you're liking him enough to be truthful with him, he's required to copy the courage. Yet the more he thought about dumping out his feelings, the more scared he got. So instead his brain worked against his decision to ask the one question haunting his nights away. Are you in love with Saeyoung?
"I'm sorry, I don't think I caught your words. Can you say it again?"
He wanted to sink untill he's one with the dirt on the ground. Maybe he could take the chance and ask something nonsensical, just get away from the grave he almost buried for himself. What if you say yes? What when you're going to admit you loved Saeyoung? What should he do, then? It wouldn't change anything, if not making the pain pounding inside his heart worse. Saeran pressed his fingernails into his palms, leaving red marks while pressing his fists down onto his lap.
He could've avoided being confronted with the truth and the unrequited love confession it secretly spoke. Reminding him of his place, teaching him a lesson for having the audacity. He could have, yet he inhaled deeply to say the words slower once more. It's a loss, it's nothing but blunt reassurance that he's never good enough for anything. But there's still hope clinging onto his shoulders. If you didn't love his brother, he might had a chance after all. Somehow. Someday, in some way. Saeran sighed heavily.
"Do.. Do you.."
Why's it so hard? He's already resigned to knowing the answer, what in the world narrowed his throat now? It's not even him spilling the secret of his heart beating for you, it's just a simple question. Nothing to think about, some causal thought that could pass by at day. It wouldn't come across as weird, considering Saeran lived with you both. It would seem like curiosity, if anything. So why. Why did he feel as if he's going to fall apart any second? Before you could've wondered out loud, he frowned deeply.
"Do you have feelings for Saeyoung..?"
He despised the cracks in his voice after placing the question in the air. He hated that the blush reached his ears due to shame, for both digging into your private life and for being desperate enough to corner you. He's disgusting, Saeran couldn't believe he behaved the way a dumb toddler would. This was a nightmare, he wished to take a walk in order to calm down. Now he managed the exact opposite. Doing everything to avoid your stare, he turned his head away completely. There's no guarantee he wouldn't start tearing up when watching you nod.
Not once in his life he had to deal with such emotions. There's a lot he went through and survived in his past, many different aspects of life that taught him how to hide or defend himself in case things got dangerous. This was new, though. He had no clue how to prepare himself, nor what to do once you're going to figure out what exactly's going on with him. Saeran's clueless as to how protect his heart from pain when it came to romantic love. And it's truly terrifying, it forced his body to tremble with fear. He felt helpless.
You shifted, he could hear it. No matter what you decided to say or do, he couldn't look back. He's certain it's going to cause him another panic attack to the point where he's unable to breath. Why are you taking so long? Where you thinking about your words? Maybe to speak them through the flower in order to not hurt him as much when telling him how the odd charm of his brother wrapped you around his finger? With each passing second, Saeran became more and more unsettled.
"Why do you ask?"
His eyes widened, that's not the response he expected. No.. Why did you want to know? You didn't say no, did that imply you're feeling these things for Saeyoung? The feelings he hid away from you? On the other hand you didn't say yes, yet, either. Saeran tried to swallow the bitter taste on his tongue, the attempt ended in vain. Couldn't you just answer? What's suddenly making you curious enough to find out the reason behind his question? What could he possibly say without blowing his cover? So much circled around his head, he feared to suffer a blackout.
One thing he's sure of, Saeran's forced to give you explanation to some degree before you're telling him. He needed a good reason, preferably quickly before you're picking up at the tension that's killing him from the inside. That cut the air and had his chest tighten. What to say? Maybe if he pointed out you're both touchy he could play it off as annoyance. Or if he said that you're both appearing that way to the rest of the RFA, the question wouldn't come from him at all. Saeran licked over his dry lips, voice still too unstable.
"You.. both make t-that impression to everyone.. So I was.. I was wondering."
Not the best excuse he could've come up with, but the only that's plausible. It's acceptable if it's not just him thinking that way, surely nobody would want their entire friend group to think lies or speculate about potential relationships. Hopefully that's satisfying enough for you to give him an answer now, Saeran's uncertain how much of the tension he could continue to bear. Then there's a lightheaded giggle to witness, freezing his blood despite the wamrth of the summer. He somehow didn't like that reaction.
"Really? I didn't know they thought that. Well, suppose it makes sense given our humor."
That's not an answer, you didn't say yes or no. Saeran's reaching his limits, what else could he try to make you confess? Was there really no option left other than pouring out his heart to you? How should he find the strength to get over you and move on without getting a clear set of boundaries? Just why.. Hot water pricked at the conrers of his eyes, he felt so pathetic it's actually concerning. This wasn't going how he thought, then again, nothing ever worked the way he wanted.
"Y-Yeah.. your humor is– it's.. definitely similar."
What am I saying?! His voice's at the edge of breaking apart, it's so clearly to hear it would've been a wonder if you didn't notice. He's just making the biggest fool in history out of himself, this was ridiculous. Anger began to bubble under his skin, frustration rushed through his veins. This was stupid. He's making a big fuss out of your words for literally nothing. The way he felt's a lost show of affection already, he didn't need any confirmation to realize that. Why was he pushing it, then? Nothing made sense, this was a waste of time.
Saeran's jaw's clenched, he couldn't speak rubbish any further even if he wanted. He shouldn't have brought you out tonight. Unsure how to continue, he stood up before brushing his pants free from the cold. The best's to bring you back without another word, that way he couldn't embarrass himself and get you back into the house, close to Saeyoung. You probably preferred his company more anyways. No, not probably. Of course you did, Saeran's brother's a good person. Just like you. It's only natural you had more fun with him.
"Saeran, I don't know why you ask that, but I can't help feeling that.. is it personal, perhaps?"
You found it out. Personal.. There's no way you didn't get the hang of his thoughts, apparently that's enough to send him into motion and take steps back to the house. Saeran's heart's beating so hard, he felt like it's going to jump out his chest and land in front of your feet. It's personal, you'd figured, since he's always selfish enough to keep his own needs and wishes in the spotlight, although he's far from being worthy. Saeran had to hide away in his room, otherwise he'd lose the remaining composure and start crying like a goddamn baby.
It startled him to death once the wamrth of your hand came in contact with his wrist, getting an hold of him without a way to escape. He couldn't tear away from you, it would make everything unnecessarily difficult to explain in the future. So he stiffened, incapable of looking back as you stood up. That's it, the fear caused his stomach to spin like a carousel. You're aware of his feelings towards you, you knew why he asked the question in the first place. And now you're either going to reject him, or even worse, tell him to leave you alone because of how uncomfortable that's making you.
He wouldn't blame that decision, if you decided to move out and never come near him again, he's the last to judge. After what he'd done to everyone, it's only fair. That's his karma, Saeran sympathized with the agony. You deserved so much better after all, someone like his brother. There's a string in his chest as he noticed your touch, which usually helped him relax, now hurt as if someone's sticking needles through his skin. He just wanted to run away, bath in the corner of shame for all eternity.
"Sae? What's wrong?"
God. That nickname didn't make it easier, he's the only one you called that. While you're addressing his brother by his old one, Seven, for him you used a brand new one. It's still his name, yet there's a sweet touch of individuality in the way you called him by that. What was he supposed to do? Nothing's saving the ruined night, especially not as he began to get unnerved to the point where he's tempted to spit out what's bothering him. It's tearing him apart, that you didn't specifically denied the question, nor that you offered enlightenment.
"Sa–"
"Can't you just tell me!?"
A startled yelp fell over your lips, his desperate tone of voice a minor matter since Saeran's patience snapped. He turned back around, grabbing both your shoulders with a firm grip as he eyed your face. Why did you not say anything regarding his brother? Were you embarrassed to talk to him about this? Did it feel impossible to be honest with him once the topic's Saeyoung? What's making you hesitate? Saeran shook his head, mouth open without a sound coming out. When in his meaningless life would he stop hurting?
The shocked facial expression's breaking his heart into pieces, that's just another aspect he's not good enough for. His often unpredictable outbursts pained others, they made things harder without reason. All for the simple fact that Saeran couldn't keep himself together, which he should've with his goddamn twenty-six years of experience. However, there he stood, holding you tightly until it must've been painful. The hot tears mocked him for the countless time. This was a nightmare, his entire existence's a mistake.
"Why are you dodging my question..? Are you doing it on purpose? Why?"
The shock on your side suddenly seemed replaced with empathy, the glitter inside your eyes shining bright thanks to the street lamp's somehow speaking a language Saeran's not able to read. I'm so sorry.. He bit down his lower lip, preventing with all willpower to keep on making you uncomfortable. He's truly sorry for everything that's taking place, yet he's not in the position to turn back time and redo this. It's painful. He's ashamed to the bone. You had to know, more than ever before, so what's your justification to leave him in the dark?
"I... I'm sorry."
Nothing but a whisper, genuine and therefore filled with agony. He's more than just sorry for all the times you bared his incompetence, the deeds sticking to his hands you're aware of. There's no hope, he's messed up. No way a bright shining star like yourself would ever find him precious, regardless how much he changed. I'm so fucking disgusting. Saeran slowly reduced the strength around your shoulders, eyes filled with pathetic tears. Enough. His subconscious hissed, scolding at him that he's only stepping over your private limits. He let go completely, then.
"Let's just.. go back. I'm sorry."
With freezing hands, he took distance from you. One step, a second one before turning around to leave again. Congratulations. The demons awakening from their slumber sneered at him. You ruined the only healthy relationship you have. They made fun of him, clearly finding pleasure in his misery. You lost the one good thing in your life. It hurt in a different way. For how long? He's unsure, but frankly, he didn't want to know. Saeran wanted to stop thinking for once.
For a second time that night, your hand searched his shape. Now it's holding his sleeve in place, he really begged some wonder took place. Like an heart attack, that way he's able to flee and leave the tension behind. She's going to laugh at you.. They snickered sarcastically, forcing him to clench his fist to painful major. She will laugh into your face and tell you she never wants to see you again. Surely that's a possibility after the scene he caused. He wouldn't blame you for such a reaction, the opposite if anything, he would deserve it.
"I didn't mean to dodge your question. I was just wondering.. But if you want to know, then no. I don't love Saeyoung. He's my best friend."
Oh.. Somehow it managed for his chest to untangle the threads and breath through. That's at least something, although he would've bet on ice cream you're both attracted to each other. It's written in your every interaction. Then again, Saeran's uneducated in reading people and their relationships. He might misread everything, not sure if that's making it better or even more embarrassing. Well, guess that's good. Saeran nodded, still not brave enough to turn back and face you. That's all the satisfaction he'd been seeking, now he could start collecting his thoughts.
"Can you tell me why that's on your mind? I don't want to make assumptions, it's not fair towards you."
Given he's freed from some of the agony, he figured lying wouldn't work forever. He could find an lame excuse right now. Then what? In the future it's going to bite his back, rise to the surface and reveal the truth. He's aware feelings like these always find their way out, regardless how careful he's approaching it. He'd seen and read enough in his life to know, it's undeniable nothing's kept as secret. Because one day these emotions would betray him, become so intense he would lash out in a way he didn't want to imagine.
The other option's not prideful, it's far from the perfect moment. You're supposed to have some kind of beautiful date, a great sunny day where happiness's the main focus. A Confession's supposed to be romantic, right? This wasn't going to become cheesy or whatever's happening in these unrealistic movies. Saeran took your hand in his, warm in temperature contrast. So soft, addicting to hold and tempting him to never let go. This was unrequited, he's alone on this sea of helplessness. Yet he knew. He owed you an explanation, more than anyone else. Although it burned his nerves, he found his words.
"I've fallen in love with you. That's why.."
Awkward, both the tone of his abused voice and the silence that followed. I said it– The sudden outburst of his heart took him by surprise, the adrenaline shoot back through every inch of his body. But he felt liberated, it actually brought the dark imaginations to an hold. So what, you could reject him. As long as you're staying by his side, he'll be fine. He could handle this, it's nothing in comparison to his past. Just some moments of his heart contracting, nothing he couldn't overcome. Tell him you keep supporting his decision and let him take part in your life and he's okay.
Saeran's breath caught in his throat after you pulled him back, losing balance in the process and have him stumble down onto the bench. He didn't have much space to ask himself what's happening since his vision turned from the rapid shift, but before he knew, you squeezed both hands against his cheeks. Ah.. How embarrassing, hadn't he made a fool of himself enough tonight? The determination that's steaming from your aura, your eyes fixed on him like he's some math exam got him fidgeting with his brown sweater. Saeran's fear of you hating him ate away his soul.
"You love me..?"
You sounded so out of breath, he's taken aback hardly. Why did it surprise you so much? Wasn't it obvious? Saeran might be good at hiding his emotions, on the other hand he's just a mess whenever you're around. It showed the occasions where he forgot to pay attention, Saeran couldn't even count how often he let the blush take the best of him. Was he so talented at hiding it away? Or did you never questioned these reactions? It's not your intension, he's certain. Yet he felt a bit violated by your shock, that's the last reaction on the list he suspected. Saeran avoided eye contact when nodding his head.
"I— Oh my god.. I never thought you like me that much! How am I that special to you.."
Were you serious? Why you're special to him? That's such a stupid declaration he couldn't stop himself from wheezing. Saeran might as well take paper and pen to start write down the reasons that made you special, he's never going to finish that list within the next twenty-four hours. Unable to speak these thoughts, he instead placed his hands over yours. So delicate, so small. So adorable. There's not much peeking his passion, you're definitely an exception in all existing matters. The red color running down his shoulders spoke walls for that. Saeran felt the corners of his lips pull upward.
"You.. You're..."
While he stared into your face, finally having back the confidence he usually lacked, he couldn't help but notice the sweet rush of color that filled your cheeks. Similar to his own. Your lips so soft looking and your eyes sparkling in a way a wildfire would be jealous. So beautiful. The most beautiful thing he's ever seen, inside and out. There weren't words to describe how perfect you were. Saeran thought less and less the more he watched your face being across his. The dreamy emotions must've shown, he could feel the silly smile that's crawling over his lips.
"You're perfect (N). I mean it.."
It's true, Saeran meant the words as they came from the bottom of his heart. You lost some shock inside your features, soon replaced by a calm albeit serious gaze that reminded him your hands were on his face for quite a while. He didn't expect you to lean down, he malfunctioned once the sent of yours rose into his nose. Comfortable and familiar. The moment you placed your lips against his, that poor heart behind his ribcage stopped beating. She's.. kissing me.. Saeran's aware he should've retuned the gesture, sadly all his muscles were kept in place. Everything's moving in slow motion.
You're soft, desirable even as you moved your lips carefully against his. Nothing extravagant, he's sure that the kiss's the most innocent gift he ever got. He could see your eyes close, a little sigh dying between the nonexistent space, like you're relieved. Like you waited for this to happen. Right when he thought he's capable to process what you'd done, you're pulling away. Tears held his vision blurry, due to him not blinking and maybe the realization that you shared some of that affection he longed for so long. Out of reflex, he lifted his hand to hide away his lips. They tingled. All of him did, actually. He never felt like that before, it's confusing.
"If I would've known sooner.. I would've kissed you a while ago."
"W-What..? Wh–"
You interrupted his stuttering with another kiss, pressure used and therefore a tad more urgent. Saeran's certain he died, otherwise he couldn't explain what's happening. Maybe he's dreaming and would wake up to the nosie of his brother's whinging soon. The thought narrowed his throat, his hands reached out to get a grip on your shirt. This time, more prepared physically, he closed his eyes as well. It's better than he could've ever imagined. You're sweet, he swore there's a hint of strawberry on your lips. This was to good to be true. Perhaps you're believing in a different meaning when it came to kissing. You pulled away once again.
"Thank you for telling me, Sae.. I love you too. And I'm so, so happy you told me."
How? How's that possible? Saeran's fingertips burned like a thousand fires. Could this be reality, one where he's actually allowed something of his own? Did you really, you from all people on this earth, felt the same towards him? You deserved better and there's guilt spreading on his tongue. To his luck, the happiness exploding in his heart's much bigger, so big he almost choked on the feeling. You chucked lightheaded by the look on his face, he couldn't phantom the chaos that's running in milliseconds over his eyes. You loved him? You? It's too much to take, let alone comprehend.
But there you stood, beaming with the widest smile he'd ever seen on you. Breathtaking, really. Your fingers ran up into his chaotic hair, going through the red strands with both strength and care. It felt safe, giving him the chance to let out the sigh he didn't know he held back. He prepared for every kind of pain after asking the question, instead he got rewarded with nothing but bliss. You continued the silent caressing a moment longer, watching his shoulders realx into the touch. Were you calming him? Whatever the reason was, he never wanted you to stop.
"It's fine, I know it's– a lot. No stress, we can.. we take it easy and slow."
You assured with an amused whisper, lingering inside his ears like a prayer. Of course.. You would consider his wellbeing, since he's still hard on both himself and the people around him. Doubts and regrets took away lots of playground, they poisoned his head at night and humiliated him at daytime. Something as intense as a romantic relationship would certainly drain the both of you, there's no denying that fact. Yet you appeared so willing to give it a try. To give him a chance. And Saeran truly never felt more seen before, what had he done to deserve an angel like you.
"Oh.. okay."
All over the place, he nodded to himself. He's never going to fall asleep tonight, not with these endless thoughts. You took his hand to stand back up, for a short second he feared to lose balance by how fast his head's working. She's in love with me.. Saeran repeated it like a mantra, echoing back in a way it's almost to hard to manage. You took the lead, walking slowly while holding his hand. His eyes glued to your hands twisted, no other words followered. Partly because it's too much for his heart, he needed some time to analyze this entire night.
Also for the fact that millions of questions flapped around his brain, close to knock him over from the intensity. Why were you in love with him? Since when did you feel that way? How come you didn't tell him first? What made you acknowledge him as more than just some damaged roommate? Too many things laying, burning on his tongue. Saeran's aware, however, that you wouldn't run away. He could ask another time, once he's not at the edge of sanity. Instead he focused on his hand still tight in yours. Giving the love he felt a pass to make him feel wanted from inside. You're the one responsible for that massive change in his life.
And for once, he's thankful. Grateful. He could never give back what you offered without expecting anything in return. You're an honest person, someone with a good soul and clean hands. You had humor, charisma that's shining brighter than the sun. A beautiful young Lady that he's head over heels for. Saeran hadn't seen himself like this before, it's new. A bit nerve-wracking, if he admitted. But open to explore, now that you're not just an unreachable dream anymore. You're really here, with him. Walking beside him. Holding his hand. Accepting his feelings. Loving him. The smile on his lips returned, he's fulfilled like never before.