Chapter Text
"So, how's your little crush going?", Kurosaki chuckled.
He was sitting across from Kizami; the both of them in the library.
Kizami glanced up from his work in front of him, annoyed. They were here to study, but Kurosaki couldn't help but intrude in his personal life once again. "What crush?"
"You know, you've been really close to Morishige-kun lately, haven't you?"
Kizami blinked at the mention of Morishige's name. "Close to him?"
Close. The word was foreign to him. There was never anyone in his life he could have described as being close to, not even Kurosaki, who he's known for almost eight years.
"You've been hanging out with him a lot. Sometimes, I even see you walking together after school. But, you don't go home, do you?" Kurosaki asked with a slight smirk. "I catch your sister outside your house sometimes, and she'll ask me if you're still at school or went off somewhere else."
Kizami narrowed his eyes, uncomfortable by Kurosaki's deduction. "I just hang out with him at his house. It's nothing."
Kurosaki grinned, "I'm just surprised. Even with me, you've never had sleepovers at my place."
He laughed when Kizami looked alarmed. "Your sister told me you don't even come home until the next afternoon."
"Whatever you're insinuating isn't happening,” Kizami asserted. He glared at Kurosaki before looking down at his work. “I don't like being at home. If I can stay the night at someone else's, why not take that opportunity?"
"Hm… Yeah, I know you don't like your family much," a sympathetic smile came across Kurosaki's face. "I guess it's nice you have someone who can give you that retreat away from them."
Retreat.
Kizami supposed he liked going to Morishige's house instead. It was empty and quiet-- a juxtaposition to his own that was usually loud with his family hounding him over his grades and behavior, which Kizami sometimes didn’t take kindly to. He preferred the silence of Morishige’s house. Even if he was too aware of the reason behind it.
He remembers the first time he visited and witnessed how Morishige’s mother refused to look her own son in the eye or enter his space, like he was contagious. The way Morishige spoke back to her was just as cold.
"He… also doesn't like his family much." Kizami stared blankly at his work.
"Huh," Kurosaki paused. "Well, I guess that makes sense then. That’s some kinda common ground."
Kizami snorted. That we both hate our families?
“Now that I think about it, you two are pretty similar. I used to think Morishige-kun was just kinda weird-- not that you’re weird! But, he’s… always really quiet and serious. And you’re kinda like that. But, honestly, when you hang out with him, you seem so… mellow."
Kizami looked over to him, staring as Kurosaki continued.
"Usually, when we're with our friends, you'll just hang out with us and whatever, but sometimes I can tell you don't actually wanna be there. But with Morishige-kun, it's like you actually do want to be around him. It's kinda cute."
“I just like talking to him,” Kizami grumbled.
Kurosaki looked at him with pure curiosity. He wasn’t used to his best friend of eight years actually being outgoing with someone. It was a look that screamed for Kizami to keep going.
Well, Kizami figured there was no harm in indulging Kurosaki, at least once in his life. "... He's an interesting person to talk to. He's actually intelligent and reasonable. He’s also driven and ambitious, but not so much that he loses his head. If anything, he needs someone to motivate him more. And I can do that for him." He paused. "I respect him."
He looked up to Kurosaki, who met him with a giant, unnerving smile. "You have never talked this much about someone else before. You must really like him."
Kizami scowled, "You basically were asking me to."
"You still have a lot to say about him anyways!" Kurosaki laughed.
Kizami groaned, slouching in his chair. Of course, he liked Morishige, but it was purely out of mutual respect. It wasn't a crush, it just couldn't be. Kizami has never been interested in anyone his whole life. He's not sure he's even capable of having romantic feelings for another person. But, there was a connection between him and Morishige that he couldn't deny.
It gets exhausting to have a mask up every second of your life. Having no choice but to present yourself as someone you're not, around every single person you interact with. When your classmates at school-- people who forced the friend label onto you-- try to talk to you and expect you to smile, laugh, and care. You can't help but be constantly tired.
With Morishige, there was no need to pretend. Kizami could lower the mask, enough to recharge his social battery. It also meant he ended up allowing Morishige to see his true self more and more. The thought of it would have made him sick before, but Morishige seemed to understand him in more ways than one.
He wasn't put off by Kizami's lack of empathy and compassion for most around him. Of course, Kizami disguised it as simply having an attitude, but Morishige seemed to relate to it. They both carried contempt for their social standing; Kizami may have been popular, but he only did it to survive, needing to keep up that image of a friendly, approachable person, or otherwise he’d just be a waste of space. Morishige sympathized as he attempted to do the same to different effect.
It was refreshing to be sardonic together. Even when sometimes it bordered on pessimism, and came from a very obvious place of how they’d been hurt when they were younger, they were still each other’s outlet. They kept each other in check.
At least Kurosaki was right that they were similar.
Their conversation was brought to an end by the school bell. So much for studying. Kurosaki got his school bag ready, but turned to Kizami before getting up.
“You should go for it.” Kizami opened his mouth to protest, but Kurosaki continued with a stern look on his face. “I’m serious. I’ve just never seen you like this before. You’re not really known for being sociable, you know? It’s nice to watch you act like that with someone for once.”
Kizami stayed silent.
“I’m gonna be late for class, but consider it, alright? Good luck at practice!”
As Kurosaki left the library, Kizami slowly got up to put his stuff away, mulling over the conversation.
Well:
- He respected Morishige.
- He enjoyed Morishige's company.
- He felt like Morishige was on his level emotionally and intellectually.
- He felt Morishige provided him a sense of stability.
On paper, it sounded like Kizami had a good enough foundation to build a real relationship with Morishige. And he wasn’t bad to look at, either.
The unfortunate truth, however, is just that he’s not a romantic person. He’s never felt any yearning or longing to be loved. Whatever that meant. He’s seen what couples do in movies, on television, and in real life. How they cling to each other, spend every moment together, how they act like they can’t breathe without one another. It sounded suffocating. And he’s seen the way people become absolutely batshit insane when their relationships are threatened. He just doesn’t understand how a person could act so stupid over someone else. It all just sounded like a goddamn nuisance to deal with.
He doesn’t imagine Morishige would be anything like those people, but it’d still be a risk. He’s heard the horror stories of someone asking a friend out and how that ended up ruining their friendship forever. He doesn’t want to think about losing the one person he could safely say he liked, all because he overstepped.
No skin off my back, I guess.
He can live just being friends with Morishige.