Chapter Text
Chapter 1
A famous painter, Zhongli. Decided to retire in arts. Without telling any of his reasons, he quit and began to live as a common person. He threw all of his painting tools, his works and disappeared like a ghost. Hoping he could open a new page of life, Zhongli decided to move back into his hometown.
"This is the twentieth time you came to me. Does your nightmare still occur?" The blond man with fair skin asked Zhongli.
"If my nightmare is gone, I wouldn't have come." Zhongli simply said.
"Should I add more doses for your medication?" The doctor asked.
"I don't think adding more doses for my medication can get rid of my nightmares," Zhongli told him indifferently, eyes looking hollow as he stared at the doctor.
"Zhongli, I know this nightmare is part of your trauma. But, knowing the fact that the only cure is by facing your greatest fear, I think yo--"
"Thank you for today's consultation, Doctor Dainsleif. I should take my leave." Zhongli cut Dainsleif's sentence and began to leave the room.
Dainsleif, Zhongli's psychologist doctor sighed as he saw the man leave. Truth to be told, the only person who knew the reason why Zhongli quit in arts was Dainsleif himself. Well, although he was aware enough that he wasn't his closest friend, at least… being the only friend he had was the only thing he could do for now.
"Five months…" Dainsleif muttered slowly.
Yes, it had been five months ever since Zhongli came here. One visit per week was Zhongli's usual choice to come here. Which meant it was already the 20th time including today that his nightmare was still haunting him.
Honestly, Dainsleif would also have enough if he had the same nightmare repeated continuously for five months. He could puke. Then again, as his doctor, Dainsleif just hoped his method could somehow help Zhongli to ease his mind a little.
By facing his greatest fear towards the ocean.
I hate the ocean…
I hate how cold the water of the ocean is…
I hate how that dream always comes again…
I hate how my mind never stops thinking about him…
And…
I hate how unlucky I am… as the only survivor in that incident…
Zhongli stared out at the ocean silently as he stood on the sand beach. He heard seagulls crying in the sky, he smelt the fragrance of the ocean, and his hair was blown by the wind. Deep down, Zhongli was afraid. All he wanted to do was close his eyes, ears and escape from that place. But, hearing from Doctor Dainsleif that facing the sea was his only option to overcome his fear, Zhongli had no choice but to come here.
Every Time he saw the vast sea, he remembered everything. Those memories kept turning into his mind.
"Please… stop it." Zhongli's body started to tremble.
As he continued to watch the ocean, Zhongli's legs were unable to stand anymore, which made him collapse and fall to the ground. And for the numerous times, Zhongli cried again while apologizing repeatedly.
That night, Zhongli didn't eat dinner. He became less likely to eat and even skipped his medication. Instead of sleeping, his eyes kept open while watching the television. He picked the channel randomly as long as he stayed up for the night until morning.
All he ever wanted was just to never see that dream ever again. Was that a selfish wish? Zhongli wasn't sure. But, the temptation for killing himself was way stronger than before. That way, he wouldn't be able to dream about it again.
The next morning, that city had a big rainstorm. The wind blew very strongly and even some of the trees fell because of it. The waves in the sea started to ebb which made the officer close the access to the sea to prevent the people from going there. Well, even normal people wouldn't want to go there in such weather. However, to Zhongli… He saw no big deal to go there. Besides, rather than facing his fear, Zhongli had another plan.
He used the secret entrance to access the way to the sea and went there without using an umbrella. His body was soaked because of the rainstorm and you could probably imagine how horrible his appearance was currently on that day.
Zhongli felt grateful that today's weather was a rainstorm. A lot of people would stay inside their house to warm themselves from the rain.
This is a good opportunity. Zhongli said in his thoughts.
Might as well I would end my life here. Hoping that I could be with you. He added another sentence.
Slowly, Zhongli walked towards the sea as his feet started to feel the cold of the water. He continued to walk until the height of the water reached his neck. Just one more step into drowning, he would be free.
Splash . The sound of his last trace as a human ended there.
As Zhongli began to drown, he closed his eyes. No, bother to open and see what the sea looked like in such a storm. To be honest, he was afraid to die. Yet, because he had reached this far, there was no turning back.
Slowly, Zhongli lost the air for him to breathe. With that, his consciousness started to fade as he felt suffocated.
Finally… I could rest. Zhongli told himself.
"Zhongli! Wake up! Zhongli! Hey!" The voice of a man called him.
Zhongli, bothered by the voice who kept calling him, all he wanted to do was sleep. Yet again, his urge to see heaven soon ended by the hard slap he could feel from his cheek.
"Are you an idiot?! Why would you do that?!!"
As Zhongli opened his eyes, he saw Dainsleif's panicked face looking at his worrying condition. The first thing Zhongli realized, he wasn't in heaven and inside the hospital instead.
How come I still survive? Zhongli asked himself.
"Don't ever do that again. Please, I beg of you." Dainsleif pleaded as he lowered his head.
"W-where did you...find me?" Zhongli asked in his hoarse voice.
"We found you at the shore, The doctor had to pump the water from your stomach because you were unable to breathe. You almost made me have a heart attack, Zhongli."
Wasn't I drowning? I'm sure I had fallen into the deeper ocean… Had the wave dragged me back to the shore? Zhongli thought to himself.
Zhongli didn't pay any attention to what Dainsleif said to him afterward. The only thing he knew was that for the next day after he was free from the hospital, Dainsleif would keep an eye on him 24/7 every day living inside his house.
Annoying? Yes. But Zhongli had no choice but to follow what he had to say. As long as Dainsleif was around, Zhongli's freedom to do anything was chained under Dainsleif's eyes.
A few days later… Zhongli wanted to go to the beach by asking Dainsleif to accompany him. At first, Dainsleif didn't allow him to go there. Not only because the waves were still dangerous thanks to yesterday's storm, he just wanted Zhongli to be safe no matter what.
Yet, Zhongli still insisted, which made Dainsleif sigh in defeat.
"Just one hour, alright? More than that, I'll drag you home." Dainsleif warned him as he took his car key.
Happy enough, Zhongli nodded and followed him to get in the car. Along the road, both of them didn't share any conversation. Secretly, Dainsleif looked at Zhongli from time to time as he drove the car with no other riders along the road. No matter how much he took a guess, Dainsleif knew enough that Zhongli still thought about that incident.
"Here we are. The beach is pretty filthy because of the storm a few days ago. Don't try to walk around the sea, alright? There's something I have to do before joining you. I'll see you after this." Dainsleif gave a small tap to Zhongli's shoulder and left without saying another word.
As Zhongli saw Dainsleif leave to meet someone's house near the beach, Zhongli absentmindedly stared at the ocean once again. The weather on that day wasn't sunny. it was a bit cloudy which made the beach somehow become more gloomy.
He walked slowly towards the beach and closed his eyes. He heard the seagull cry on the sky and the waves that continuously drifted back and forward which almost reaching his feet.
"You're lying," Zhongli mumbled to himself.
Zhongli still was unable to face his fear. Moreover, the suicide he did a few days ago didn't make his trauma lessen. He felt like all attempts he had tried were useless. He became powerless without 'him'.
He was nothing compared to him. 'he' was his life, Zhongli just knew about it.
Again, another tear fell to his cheeks. For the first time, never he had felt this level of sadness in his life. If he could just turn back the time, he would rather not fall in love with anyone if he knew the results will be like this.
Suddenly, a heavy gush of wind came directly where Zhongli stood on the beach. Of course, it made him open his eyes as he wondered why there was a sudden wind.
Zhongli squinted his eyes, looking at an object from afar of the sea. As the object floated slowly to the shore, Zhongli finally realized it wasn't an object. It was a person.
"Oh my God, I'd better tell Dainsleif." Zhongli gasped as his feet started to run.
Without a second thought, his urge to save this person was very strong. If only he had the power to walk forward to the sea and swim towards the person, he wouldn't make this problem into a bigger one. Zhongli gritted his teeth, irritated about how pathetic he was in such a condition.
It couldn't be helped. No matter how much he wanted to swim, his feet wouldn't move. It was futile.
"Dainsleif! There's a person over the sea!" Zhongli let out a heavy breath as he pointed to the sea.
"Are you sure?" Dainsleif asked, still unsure but he looked at the sea anyway.
"I swear to God that I'm not lying," Zhongli replied with an annoyed tone.
Dainsleif finally saw what Zhongli had seen, it was a person. He quickly told the person next to him to follow him. As Zhongli wanted to come, Dainsleif quickly stopped him.
"You better stay here, Me and Thoma will go," Dainsleif told him and Zhongli, had no choice but to nod.
To be honest, Dainsleif didn't want to make Zhongli remember again about his being the last survivor of that incident. Hence why he didn't want him to follow him even though Zhongli was the first one who found the person.
"Hey, did you hear about the new student in classroom B?" One of the girls said to her friend.
"Yeah, I did. I heard he was transferred here because of something though. Do you know about it?" One of the girls started being nosy.
"I don't have any idea. No one ever asks him. He rarely speaks, you know?" She frowned as she told her friend.
"Ssh, be quiet, he's coming." The other girl told to her friends to stay quiet.
Zhongli silently walked across and stared at them which made all the girls flinch and look away. Actually, he knew about the gossips and rumors about him.
The fact that he rarely spoke was because he didn't know how to interact with new people around him. The atmosphere, the situation, it was all different. He had to adapt to the environment around him every time he transferred into another school from time to time. It wasn't like he wanted to, it was because of his father who was always moving out from time to time for no reason.
Oh. He also forgot to mention that both of his parents were already divorced. His mother left him behind along with his abusive father ever since he was still 10 years old. Which meant it had been 8 years until now for him to endure every physical abuse that he received from his father.
Fortunately for him, to erase his sadness, Zhongli made a small world just for him by painting. He expressed all of his emotions through the painting so when he felt happy, sad, grief, and angry, everything reflected on that canvas. Even though a lot of people thought that his painting was absurd, he didn't care. Because the painting was merely an object for him to release all of his emotions he always pressed deep in his heart.
One day, the day after school where every student should already leave. Zhongli always took his opportunity to visit the art class so he could spend his time longer in the school rather than his home.
What should I paint today? Zhongli thought to himself.
His mood had been pretty blue lately. Lonely, sad, alone, pain…
The ocean it is then. He thought again with a nod.
For almost 3 hours, he colored the ocean with a deep blue color, just as his mood was on that day. Part of his sleeves got a stain from the blue paint, but he didn't care. As he put down the brush from his right hand, he frowned.
"What did I miss? It seems like I'm missing something important…" Zhongli hummed as he tilted his head, wondering what he missed.
"Don't you think you're putting too much deep blue on your canvas?"
Startled, Zhongli saw someone who stood in front of the class. For the first time, there was someone in this school who tried to interact with him.
"They said, '' A painting reflects the painter's emotion. " If it's true then, Is there something that makes you sad?"
How long had it been since he wanted to have a conversation along with another person just like this? How much he longed for someone to help him escape from his zone?
That day... That was how the first time Zhongli met him. And also, the very first time he fell in love with his first love.
--- End of Chapter 1---