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1
There’s four Ghost Kings and three are obsessed with you but one of them isn’t even really a Ghost King so we’ll call it two.
So there’s two Ghost Kings and one is red for the blood he spills and one is white for mourning— just like you wear— but both are looking at you. Both are obsessed with you, and they both have ideas about you and they don’t have to be separate but they can’t really go together, can they?
The one in white wants to break you open and let you fall apart until the rage and resentment washes out like a river. And you haven’t been allowed to be cruel before. You’re scared that you might actually know how.
The one in red wants to cover you in flowers and build you up until your feet never have to touch the ground and he's calling your name but you haven’t used that name in a long time now. You’re not sure if it still fits.
There’s two Ghost Kings and you can choose one or both or nothing but you have to choose.
2
There are two Crown Princes and one of them is a Ghost but the other one looks more like a ghost and both of them are haunted.
The older one is glorious but he’s falling apart and the younger one is broken but he’s putting himself back together. And they’re both held together with tears and laughter but when the masks fall away and the ghosts that live inside of them are laid bare, only one can really take it.
The older one is trying to choose for the younger one but you can’t make choices for others and ultimately, that’s what will save him.
3
There are two Crown Princes scorned and abandoned by their kingdoms and they’re so similar only they aren’t really.
There’s two Crown Princes and one is older so we’ll say he’s wiser as he guides the other with a gentle hand because he only wants what’s best. The ruin was coming anyways so he just sped it up a little really, so they could be the same again because they really do seem so similar like that, all glory and grace and wasted potential.
There’s two Crown Princes and they’re so similar in their matching white so you have to understand when he carved the other open with a sword it wasn’t out of malice, he didn’t even touch the blade. And you have to understand when he slammed him to the wall bloodied and beaten it wasn’t out of malice because he was only doing what was asked of him.
Sometimes lessons are painful is all, it doesn’t mean they hate each other.
4
You’ve fallen twice but he’s picked you up three times so you trust him and you follow his commands. You didn’t once and look where that got you.
And he’s so kind to a wretched thing like you so how can you do anything but trust him and appreciate him and follow him with a grip closed around your throat and a binding tight around your ankle.
Because you asked for them to be there, so how could it hurt? He put them there because he cares about you and you asked for them so why would you do anything but thank him?
5
Let’s say the Gods in heaven are all taking prayers and gaining merits for their kindness and their might. They take such good care of the mortals below so it’s only right they receive prayers and offerings. And they get so many prayers it’s only right they can’t answer all of them.
They made it all the way up to heaven, so great and glorious except some of them are murderers and three of them are frauds and all of them are just waiting to stab each other in the back.
And let’s say the Ghosts they're the evil ones, and they’re killing but it’s not like when heaven kills because this killing isn’t holy. So they’re filled with resentment and they’re killing and eating people except for the ones that aren’t. Except for the ones that are here because they grieved too hard or loved too big.
But if you look at all of them up close it gets too hard to separate the Gods and the Ghosts so it’s easier if you don’t.
6
You’re in a mountain with three men you have loved in different ways and all of them are watching you like they’re waiting for the next big thing.
One of them is tied around your finger and he’s dangerous, he’s chasing you, he’s obsessed with you and he’s binding up the other two.
And the other two could probably get out of their bindings except they can’t work together, they never could, and you can’t help them either because they tied you up in a manner of speaking.
So the dangerous one is taking off your clothes and he’s healing your wounds and you wish you weren’t tied up because you think you’d rather like to heal his wounds too.
7
You’ve put your trust in three men, your teacher, your mentor, and your lover and all of them could’ve fucked you over but only one them did and all you know now is who it isn’t.
To them, your lover is strange, but to you he makes perfect sense and he’s taking your hand and whispering soft things now so you know it can’t be him who did it.
That means it must be one of the other two so you make up a fourth man and pray it’s him who fucked you over because you hate him anyways. It doesn’t matter though. There’s still only three men.
8
Two Crown Princes are fighting and it’s messy and it’s bloody and it’s cruel. First it’s swords then it’s fists and they’re both screaming at each other and one taught them other to cuss— not the words themselves just the way they felt on his tongue— so it’s loud too.
He wants to help one of the princes but he’s never been able to, not with this fight. He’s not the violent sort really, except all the times he is. He fought for a while now but he’s so tired and his job has always been to kiss the prince and go back to waiting. There really is so much waiting in this story.
He’s done enough waiting for now, it’s time to rest. It’s better the Prince do the waiting now.
9
You’re in a temple and your face is cast in gold and it’s not a bad likeness really so you don’t mind it. People are kneeling and you asked them not to but people don’t really care to listen do they? And the altar has food and incense and everything you could want so there’s nothing to complain about.
Besides, they’re praying to you so what does it matter how they do it? You don’t know their faces or their names and you hardly hear the prayers but they’re praying to you.
Doesn’t that make you special?
10
You’re in a temple and your hands are bound in cloth but gods exist for their believers so you aren’t supposed to mind. You’re kneeling on the altar and you didn’t mean to kneel but it’s so hard to stand with all the blood you’re losing.
And the sword goes in again so you’re bleeding out and you can’t stay conscious but the sword comes again and again and again and maybe the sword has always been there you’ve always lived half dead like this.
Except that can’t be right because you’re looking less and less human as this goes on and you’re sure if the world was always like this it would hurt less, you could ignore it better.
But how much does it really matter? This is saving lives and only you can do it. Doesn’t that make you special?
11
Suppose for a moment that obsession has two sides. And the one obsessed is drowning in grief beyond measure and pain nearly as great as your own. The one obsessed is telling you about how much he cares about you and how easy it would be to stop this if you just came to your senses he’s really just looking out for you except it’s hard to hear him because the one obsessed is screaming and you’re screaming.
Suppose for a moment you died a hundred times to save people who all burned alive anyways. They died because of you, you know. Maybe that’s what they deserved.
12
Consider the Ghost Kings again. One is to your side and the other is behind you and the end is coming but you think it’ll feel good this time because you chose it. You choose penance. You choose to carry the weight of all those souls on your skin.
Except neither of the ghosts like to listen to you and now you’re staring at a flower where a ghost should be and carrying the weight of one soul in your heart instead of many in your body. You choose penance but it looks like a chain around your ankle.
You’re still doing penance. You’re still carrying the weight of the dead. Isn't that what you wanted?
13
This time you don’t reject what you earned. You ascended again, it makes you happy. Let’s act like that makes you happy. Let’s say you’re kissing a ghost and that makes you happy. He’s got his tongue in your mouth and his hands in your hair and his essence is burning into your skin and staining it with his colors and he wants you.
He wants you and you’re happy, and you’re allowed to be happy because this is a love story after all with grand declarations and endless devotion and chains that break with the power of love after so long alone.
But you won’t tell anyone he kissed you, not even the ghost, because he won’t remember anyways. For a moment though he wanted you and you knew what it felt like to be wanted again.
You knew what it felt like to want.
14
After he kisses you you look thoroughly fucked but so does he and neither of you really did anything so what does it matter?
Calm your head, calm your heart, calm the sword.
He’s asking questions now but you don’t have answers for him so you clean the room instead.
Push down the love, push down the longing, push down the wanting.
Someone else is asking you questions now but you still don’t have the answers so you touch your lips instead.
15
It was back when you were touching his throat, surrounded by blood and death and grief so heavy it stained the land for centuries and centuries.
There were snakes too but they never liked fire and he was made of flames, warm and bright and deadly.
So maybe this was where things started or maybe it was before, surrounded by different blood and different death and different grief heavy enough to curse for centuries and centuries.
But this was the time he caught you.
16
There was a time you caught him though and that came first and he probably remembers it more than you do or maybe everyone else remembers it better than you, you’ve never had good memory after all.
It doesn’t matter who remembers though because what you do remember is that you were endless and only just beginning. A god before your ascension, everyone knew it was just a matter of time really. You were so pretty, so handsome, so strong, so sweet. Everything is endless and your future is pure white.
So you catch him and the crowd goes wild and who cares if people don’t approve, it’s only a matter of time before you’re a god so you know what’s right and it has to be this.
You’ve got a child in your arms and a crowd going wild while the gods look on and your best friend is trying to kill you but you both know he won’t succeed. This is your third path, this is your future.
This is what you chose.
17
The Crown Princes are beating into each other but where’s the happy ending we were promised? Where’s the love story? Shouldn’t the couple defeat the villain together? Why is the Prince alone?
But he isn’t alone, not with freshly kissed lips and a ring over his heart perfectly placed to hear the thump thump thump of his body’s rhythm.
And then they’re holding each other again and they’re kissing and it’s magic. And he’s falling apart in his arms, fading to butterflies in the breeze so this can’t be our happy ending. Just wait.
I told you there’s a lot of waiting in this story.
18
There’s two Ghost Kings, one wants to remake you the other wants to hold you while you remake yourself.
Red or white, whose obsession are you going to let consume you? You don’t get other paths now, no ands or neithers it’s just or, just red or white. You’ve come too far to have other choices now. There’s only two paths available to you so you have to choose one and really the second path closed a long time ago, you’ve already chosen, you were walking it before you knew there was a choice to make.
You just wanted to be able to make your third path and say you had a choice in all this, to say fate wasn’t merciless tugging you at its whims.
He just wanted to pave that third path with flowers and soft things so you’d be loved and happy and safe and he would’ve tore himself to shreds to fertilise it if he had to.
You only ever had two paths, that’s all fate had available for you, but you like the red path so it’s alright.
You chose the best you could.
19
You don’t get to choose the effects your choices have, you just get to hope.
So you save him and he has no name but he does have a nickname but it doesn’t matter what he’s called anyways because he’s dead again soon, there’s not even a chapter for it, it doesn’t matter how it happened, it was always inevitable that he’d die.
So he dies and he has no name and you never give him one and he dies again a few chapters later but it’s fine, he was always going to die anyways.
So he’s back and he has a name and two titles and a nickname and he’s dying again.
You don’t get to choose the effects your choices have so you save him the first time but he dies three more. Maybe some things can’t be avoided.
20
There are two Crown Princes but only one knows about the other and he can’t stand it.
You aren’t getting it. Fine.
Let’s say there’s one Crown Prince and he loved so much and tried so hard but fate didn’t give a fuck and now everyone he loved has died or left him and the people, god the people, they’re screaming for help even after cursing him out.
Why are you shaking? Fine, there’s no Crown Princes, just a Ghost and a God and they're both so tired.
21
You’re in a temple and there’s no believers but it’s okay because you’re waiting for him and he’ll be all the believers you need.
There’s no sword or voice in your ear, you’re just stopping by while you wait, because you really should get back up to the cottage. You have repairs to make, he’ll be home any day now.
He’ll love this old temple when he gets back, he loves everything to do with you. Maybe he’ll fix it up. Maybe you’d like it here too.
Maybe you’ll kneel on the altar and you’ll find him inside you again and again and again and it won’t hurt this time.
Just keep waiting, we’re almost finished with the waiting now.
22
You had a party and everyone you knew was there and they were all laughing and eating and you felt good.
There’s the beggars who helped make things right and your best friend and she looks different now but he’s still laughing and kind so he’s still beautiful.
There’s your childhood friends and you love each other again even if you still don’t know how but it’s fine because there’s time to learn.
There’s the fool who thought he could kill your husband. Come in, come in, there’s enough food for everyone.
There’s your husband's best friend who destroyed your best friend’s life. Thank you for coming, sit at the table next time, won’t you?
23
Let’s say Gods are powerful with good and bad like any person has. Let’s say Ghosts are powerful with good and bad like any person has.
Together you’ll defy fate, carve third paths no one else could’ve seen, bound together by choice— the choice to love that is bigger than the halfhearted whims of the universe.
Together you’ll weather the storms of fate the way it was always bound to happen, trapped together where you were pulled by some invisible force more powerful than any of you.
If you didn’t choose to stay, even fate couldn’t have kept you together. You have to choose to love each other. You have to learn how. Learn how to be loved now, darling. It’s okay. It’s safe here.
24
You spend eternity with your husband by your side and it’s never spelled out that he loves you, but he loves you and everyone knows without having to hear him say it and we all think he must say it in the quiet of your bedroom or maybe he likes to find other words to express this.
And neither of you are perfect, your pasts are muddy, haunted things that breed nightmares and panic attacks and for so long these cursed pasts kept you from saying you loved each other. But it’s hard to hide the way the eyes linger or the hands stray or the lips curve up into a smile or crash against each other. And it’s impossible to hide love like that, love that you keep choosing in every action, every thought, every day.
So it doesn’t matter that no one ever said “I love you” in this love story because we already knew this love couldn’t be contained in such words.