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He’s not sure what time it is anymore, all he knows is the darkness outside. And the city lights are making it hard to even see stars. Even the moon isn’t visible tonight. The night is cold, and a bit of him regrets not having a bigger jacket on him but his tailored suit.
Aaron had just returned back to Virginia after a long flight from Seattle. He and his team had a case there that lasted for 3 days. Everyone’s beat after the case, sleeping most of the 6 hours that the flight back took. Everyone, except the team leader who was having a hard time shaking the case from his mind.
He’s seen a lot of brutality and death in his line of duty, and to a point, he’s used to it. But on days like today, everything feels like too much. Like there is so much bad in the world, making it hard to see the good. On days like these, it feels like the world is too heavy on one man’s shoulders. On days like these, any and every emotion feels gone and he’s just left empty.
He’s walking to his SUV that is neatly parked in the parking garage. With one hand, he carries his belongings in a duffle bag, the other is fidgeting with the keys in his pocket, trying to ground himself, feel something. Only a few other cars accompanied his own. With flashing lights, the car unlocked, by the press of the button under his finger. Seconds after, a car behind him mimics his, startling the man from his thoughts. The man turns to look towards it, seeing his good friends and teammates, Spencer and JJ about to enter the vehicle behind. With a small wave, the agents say their goodbyes and with JJ behind the wheel, they head home.
Slowly, Aaron enters his car, too. Everything feels quiet and unreal around him, making him feel like he’s in a trance. Once the car starts, the radio turns on too, breaking the silence around him. Within seconds, he turns the radio off. It’s too loud for his brain. Heading home, surrounded by the silence and city lights.
The ride is smooth, the roads are almost empty and the car is comfortable to ride. But he’s squeezing the steering wheel so tight it makes his knuckles white and his whole body tense. Only thing in his mind was to get home to see his son and you. Both of you have probably been fast asleep for hours by now and it doesn’t help the heartache the case has caused him. He feels like the last person awake right now, so alone and cold.
Usually, the car ride home is about 10 minutes long, but today, it felt like every second was longer than the one before it. Every mile felt like 10, just darkness ahead of him. A part of him doesn’t even register the fact that he’s operating a moving vehicle, as if an autopilot had taken over. But he’s gone back and forth so many times that he could do it even with his eyes closed; which wasn’t much different from his current mentality.
Parking his car on the driveway, like a million times before, he observes the house. The hallway light is on, faintly shining through the window. And it made him hurt just a tiny bit less. Having something to look forward to, having a light to walk towards when everything else feels too overwhelming.
He grabs his bag, fidgets with his keys just a little bit longer as he approaches the door. The door home, to the two people he loves the most in life. But his home wasn’t a place. His home is with his little boy. His home is in the care and love he shares with you. And when everything else seems to go wrong, every hug from you or Jack feels like coming home after a long day.
He lets himself in and he’s greeted with total silence. He takes his shoes off and slowly walks upstairs. He drops his bag in the bathroom, by the washing machine and almost runs towards the door that is covered in drawings, signed by his little boy. The door is shut, but he goes to open it as silently as he’s able to.
The world of hurt was crumbling down from his shoulders as he could focus on one of his favourite sounds: his son, fast asleep. Something so simple like seeing Jack asleep got the man on his knees. He sits down on the carpeted floor, next to the bed. He oh so lightly brushes his palm on the boy’s back, afraid to wake him up, but needing reassurance that he’s really there and safe. For awhile, he just sits there, leaning his forehead on the mattress, feeling tears in his eyes.
He’s not sure why such a strong feeling of desperation and hurt is taking over him tonight. Why the case caught him off guard, it was just like every other case. Everyone in the team is okay and they managed to get another bad guy behind bars for the rest of his life. That’s a win. So, where does this feeling come from all the sudden?
He kisses his son’s temple lightly, and leaves the room. Letting him adventure in dreamland, letting him rest. He enters the bedroom across the hallway, the one he shares with you. Only to find it empty. A moment of panic waves over him, a flashback to the night his ex wife left him, years ago. A part of him knows that isn’t the case here as Jack is still asleep in his own bed. But not seeing you asleep in the bed he shares with you, he can’t help the feeling.
The bathroom is empty and so is his home office. He goes to the living room and the sight makes him forget to breathe momentarily. You’re asleep on the couch, book on the floor, probably fallen from your grasp as you fell asleep. You’re wearing one of his big t-shirts and a blanket covering your legs. Chest heaving up and down in slow rhythm.
Just like moments before, he kneels next to you, hand slowly running up and down your back. This time there was more pressure on it, with the intention to gently wake you up. You humm silently under his touch, not yet fully registering what’s happening. “Hey sweetheart” he whispers into your hair, planting featherlight kisses.
“Hey baby” you smile at him, once you get your eyes open and realize that having your husband home wasn’t just a dream. “I didn’t hear you come in” your eyes are now used to the faint light behind you and as you look him in the eye, you see the pain he’s in.
He doesn’t say a word and his lips are pressed to a tight line. His eyes are watery and he looks like a puppy that someone’s kicked way too many times. His presence felt defeated. You’re not a profiler like him, but you do know your husband. You get yourself up and just wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. He lays his head on the crook of your neck, breathing in your scent.
“Let’s get you to bed” you suggest and he nods in agreement. You’re not leaving his side for a moment, holding his hand, kissing him here and there. The man’s still silent, letting you lead the way. He hates to have you worry over him, but he’s too tired to do anything about it at the moment. He sits on the side of the bed, looking deep into your eyes, his own filled with pain and love.
You help him untie his tie and out of his jacket. His hands go to work on the buttons of his shirt, but even that feels like it takes so much energy out of him that he doesn’t have. You take his head in your hands and kiss him deeply. While you kiss him, your hands go to help him with the buttons, and in no time get him out of it. He stands up and removes the rest of his clothes, just leaving his boxers on.
He climbs in bed, under the still-cold covers. You join him and get as close to him as possible. You wrap his arms around him and he does the same. Both of you are just holding each other close. You breathe into his hair, smelling a faint smell of his shampoo and cologne. Fingers playing with his hair while the other draws small circles on his back and shoulders.
He kisses your neck a few times, laying there and letting you hold him. No words are needed. The heat from your bodies is slowly heating up the covers and it feels safe. Just breathing in each other, you start to drift off to the dreamland and Aaron does the same.
Just before he falls asleep the last thing in his mind is: This is where I belong. This is what home is supposed to feel like.