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As a child, you remember reading books about princesses and princes. Queens and Kings. How just one person in your life fixes everything and you will never be sad again. How a true love’s kiss is the cure for everything.
As you got older and you found the world of romance novels and the majority of books in general, the story line of sadness being cured by ‘the one’ was something you got very familiar with. That after a break up a person becomes ‘depressed’ and it all goes away when you fall in love again. That a certain someone ‘fixes’ you with just a smile. And for a big part of your life, you believed it. You believed that this is how life works. It’s destined to be that way.
What no one prepared you for was the fact that, no, this isn’t how life works. Sometimes there is no big, dramatic backstory, no evil stepmother to explain your pain. You were loved as a child, had friends, got a good education but life still hurts. Sometimes there’s no tower you’re locked inside of, no poisonous apple. No jealous step-sisters or speaking animals around you.
Life is just life.
Day in, day out.
As a teenager you found the world around you turning gray. You started to lose interest in everything and everyone. Just wanted to hide in your room, escape from the crazy world around you. But not many noticed. You masked it well, you didn’t want to worry your parents or make them think they’ve done something wrong. But you were confused, everything around you felt slow and dark, but everyone else’s lives were still filled with color and joy.
At some point, you asked for help, afraid that you’re going insane. But you got some peace of mind when you found out that you’re not alone in this, and you got a diagnosis of depression. Having a word for it gave you some peace, knowing what was wrong with you
During the dark years, friends didn’t understand and a lot of them left. And you understood, you didn’t want to bring anyone down, hold anyone back. You didn’t think you were worth being understood or having people that care around you. Some even shamed you for being sick, as there are a lot of people out there that have it worse, that are still able to push through.
Slowly and with the help of professionals and medication, the colors started to come back to your life. The leaves in the trees started to look green again, the sky was blue and everything was starting to make more sense. And for a long time, the colors were vibrant and you felt like you had a purpose in life.
During that time, you’ve made new friends and you’ve gotten a career that you enjoy. Your friend Penelope introduced you to the rest of her friends and coworkers, who are like family to you now. One of them being her boss, Hotchner, who you started dating not long after. And who’s last name you took as your own a few years later.
To you, it sounds a lot like a fairytale, having met amazing friends and a partner, a great home to call your own. A home that’s been filled with a lot of happy memories and celebrations. A home where you and your husband both feel safe enough to let your guard down, comfort each other when it’s needed. Safe enough to love each other so deeply.
But what you didn’t notice was that the gray clouds started to form around you again. Until it was too late and the rain started pouring down on you. Slowly the colors had faded to black and white again without you noticing, until this morning.
Until this morning. You wake up in your shared bed, alone. Normally, this wouldn’t be anything unusual as Aaron works irregular hours and is out of town often hunting town serial killers. But this morning, nothing felt as devastating as being inside your house all alone. The silence was excruciating and your body and brain felt disconnected from one another. The bed feels huge and cold, making you feel even smaller and more insignificant than you already felt.
You could feel the tears in your eyes, burning and your whole soul felt like screaming. But nothing happened. Not a single tear drop fell down, like it was physically impossible for you to cry. And it made everything ten times more frustrating. Everything was bottled up, about to explode inside of you, but can’t find a way to release it.
You recognize the feeling as it’s an old friend. A friend you haven’t met in over a decade. The feeling of being disconnected from the world and your own body, feeling insignificant and worthless. The darkness and fog around you, even though it felt crushing and overwhelming, it was familiar and for that reason comforting.
You’re not sure what time it is, you’re not even sure what day it is. You don’t know how long you have been asleep. And honestly, you don’t really care to know. The room is dark, there’s only a small beam of light entering the room from between the curtains. All it does is give you enough information that it isn’t night time.
You feel…. nothing. Even numb doesn’t seem fitting at this point. You know nothing. And the feeling has consumed you.
“Hey!” somewhere distant you hear your husband’s voice, but it gets no reaction from you. You lay on the bed, trying your best to focus on your breathing, just to feel something. Heavy, leaping footsteps climb up the stairs and go to the laundry room, searching for something. “Honey? Have you seen my” his voice comes to a full stop as you hear him enter the bedroom you’re in. If you had any energy in you, you’d turn to look at him or at least answer to him.
“Honey?” The softness of his voice was unexpected and was enough to trigger the tears. It felt like a tsunami in your chest as the crying took over, an explosive release of emotions you didn’t realize were there. You couldn’t help but sob into the pillow and let the tears stream down. Seconds after you hear him talk again, but not directed to you “Hey Dave. I can’t make it back” he said on the phone. “No, no, it’s all good. I’m just needed at home right now.”
The mattress dips beside you as he sits down. He takes off his suit jacket and tie and tosses them onto the armchair close by before coming to lay down beside you. In the shocking wave of emotions, you barely notice him there, before he wraps his arms around you and pulls you close.
His arms feel safe and warm as he holds you close to his chest. His chest moves up and down at such a steady pace, it’s almost mesmerizing. One of his hands moves up and down on your back and the other is stroking your hair. “I’m right here sweetheart. Take all the time you need”
The love and warmth of his tone was both amazing and horrible at the same time. Amazing in a way that it always is, he is such a kind man with a heart of gold. He’s never raised his voice at you, no matter how stressed he is. But it makes your heart hurt, because you want to give the man everything he’d deserve, but you don’t feel like you’re good enough and it’s only a matter of time until he gets bored with you.
“I’m… I’m so sorry Aaron” you stutter between sobs. He places soft kisses to your hair and hums at you, not understanding why you’re apologizing to him. “I’m so sorry I’m like this. You shouldn’t have to come home to such a broken wife” you burst into tears again. You hear and feel him sigh, trying to think of how to help. “I’m sorry I’m so broken and you would deserve so much better. I’m sorry I can’t be a better partner for you”.
He doesn’t say anything, just holds you close. His breath is warm in your hair and you can smell his faint cologne. So familiar and safe.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Aaron. I don’t understand why I’m like this. I married an amazing man, I have great friends and a beautiful home. And here I am, crying and feeling like shit when there are so many people out there, that have it so much worse. And you! You make the world so much safer but you don’t complain!” the words just come out of you. You feel yourself rambling between shaky breaths and sobs. “I mean, you’d have every reason to complain and cry and break down. Not me! Maybe I’m just being ungrateful and pathetic and just a waste of space”
“Honey” he whispers in your hair, planting soft kisses, trying to distract your train of thought as it seems to be going downhill and fast.
“I’m not good enough, Aaron. I’m too broken and I can’t hide it anymore. I’ve tried to be happy for you because you deserve that! I don’t know what you see in me, I don’t know what you ever saw in me in the first place, maybe I just somehow managed to fool you into liking someone that I’m really not and you’re just too kind to leave me”.
“Honey” his voice is now a bit more stern, but not harsh. “Take a deep breath for me, please”
‘Of course he’s polite, even when I’d deserve to be shouted at’ you think, but do what he asks you to. You take a deep breath in and sigh it out.
His arms squeeze you briefly as he praises you “Good job. Once more”. You feel him breathing deeper underneath you and you decide not to fight him and do as he asks you to. “Well done, sweetheart. Alright, listen to me” he starts and you start crying again, panic settling in your chest. “I. Love. You” he whispers between soft kisses to your forehead and hair. “You’re not broken. Life is hard. Life is so damn hard sometimes and you have every right to feel overwhelmed or sad or upset or whatever it is that you feel. It doesn’t make you a bad person”
“But you’d deserve so much better” you try to argue, but it falls flat.
“That’s not true. And even if it was, I want you. I choose you, and I’d do it every single day, over anyone else. Always. Even on days like these, when you feel like the world’s too much. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here, with you” he reassures, and a part of you knows it. Always have known, but a big part of you doesn’t comprehend it. “And I know you’ve been feeling down, even when you try your best to keep smiling. You don’t have to hide it from me or anyone else. I didn’t say anything, but I probably should have. And before you say anything, no, it has nothing to do with profiling. I know my wife. Just like the way you know me, better than I probably know myself” he tries to smile a little, making his tone a little softer.
Somewhere, you get the energy to look up to him, meeting his beautiful brown eyes. You can hear his steady heartbeat and the way his arms feel around you makes your breathing just a tiny bit better.
“I wish I knew how to take your pain away. I’m sorry I can’t. But what I can promise is that you will never, ever have to deal with it alone. I can’t make them disappear, but I’m going to try my damn hardest to make it a little less heavy and help you carry it”. He reaches for the soft blanket next to the bed and wraps it around you both. He then continues to rub your back and give you more time to calm down.
“You’re too patient with me” you whisper to his chest, but make no other effort to protest his love for you.
“Didn’t quite hear you, honey” he says, asking for you to repeat. Instead, you fall quiet.
Neither of you are sure how much time passes between words being said. Aaron keeps thinking how glad he is that he came home the moment he did. He’s trying to think of ways to help, but all he can come up with at the moment is to just hold you close.
Have you in his arms, help protect you from the ‘depression fairy’ as you’ve called your negative thoughts. You’re just trying your best to stay grounded and just breathe. Today, only something as simple as breathing feels like a chore.
“Have you eaten today?” Aaron asks finally after an eternity of the two of you just laying in bed. You shake your head slightly, food has been the furthest thing from your mind all day. “I’ll be right back” he kisses your forehead once more before getting up.
About 10 minutes later, he returns to the bedroom with a small bowl and a plate. He hands them to you as he’s climbing back to bed with you and under the blanket. He leans his back to the headboard and helps you do the same. As you get up, he praises you once more, planting a kiss on your temple. “That’s my girl. Good job sweetie” You notice that the corner of your lip rises just a tiny bit, which feels strange.
Your gaze drops to the plate on your hands. Grilled cheese sandwich. It looks delicious and it’s the perfect comfort food, but you’re not sure if you can keep anything down at the moment. Aaron speaks as if he could read your mind “Just a little bit. Even if it’s a bite or two, it’s better than nothing. I also brought some apples, if it’s easier to eat something fresh” he points to the bowl, takes a slice and bites it. He puts the tv on, as he knows it helps to distract you a little bit.
“Thank you” you lean your head on his shoulder and pick up one of the triangle cut sandwiches. You’re able to eat one of the triangles and two apple slices before you reach your limit. “I can’t have any more” you tell him, passing him the plate.
“That’s alright. I’m proud of you”
You sit up a tiny bit longer with him, resting your head on the man’s shoulder. Aaron eats the other half of the sandwich and rest of the apple. After he’s done, both of you lay back down and he pulls you close. The safety from his presence, warmth of the blanket and the exhaustion from all the emotions is tiring you out and you feel your eyes closing, no matter how hard you try to keep them open.
“Aaron?” you speak so soft, you’re not sure if the sound comes out. But as the man answers to you, you continue “please don’t leave me”.
Another kiss is being planted to your head and he hums “I’m not going to go anywhere, honey. I’m right here with you. Try to get some rest. It’s been a long day”. Just seconds after you drift off to sleep in the safety of his arms.
Fairytales lie by telling you that one single person is going to make you happy for the rest of your life and you will never be sad again. Fairytales lie by telling you that one single person is going to fix you and make you whole again. Fairytales lie by telling you that being in a relationship is going to take away everything bad from your life.
But maybe after all, no one can do that for you. You will have to work through your own battles, no matter if the monster was someone else or just your own brain. But having someone with you, help you and encourage you, it can make the journey just a little bit easier. Maybe they aren’t going to take all the pain and sickness away, and magically make life perfect. Maybe they aren’t destined to fix you, but love you and every ‘broken piece’ of you, and most importantly, help you love yourself again.