Work Text:
It’s way past midnight, it must be. It was almost 11pm when you finally made it to bed, only to find yourself tossing and turning restlessly. Nothing felt right. Anxiety running in your veins and blurring your mind.
Every day feels the same, nothing new, nothing exciting. Just gray and cold, going on with your life on autopilot. Work, home, sleep and repeat. You feel so alone, the world moving on without you. Your friends, living their own lives and dreams, not giving you any time of their days. At least you still think of them as your friends, even if they keep proving to you why you shouldn’t.
You’re not used to asking for help, you’re used to being the one people lean towards. You’re the one people come to when they need to talk, let out some steam, vent or cry. But being on the other side of that, it’s so strange and hard for you. You feel like a burden, like you don’t deserve the help.
A lot of people have gone out their ways to tell you exactly that: you expect too much from others when you’re the one to struggle. No matter how they have promised to support you the same way you’ve supported them during hard times. Somehow, they all turn against you once you need someone to talk to. Telling you that you’re too needy and there’s a lot of people out there that have it worse.
So you’ve kept it all inside. You’ve always been good at it. That’s what you’ve always done. You’ve never meant to bother anyone with you problems and if you push them down, they can’t hurt anyone else, can they? If they hurt you, it doesn’t matter, right?
But tonight, the lump in your throat was too much. The pain in your eyes got too heavy and the skin you’re in doesn’t feel like it belongs to you at all. Everything feels distant and strange, leaving you breathless. Your heart’s racing, hands tingling and nothing clear inside of your head. It felt almost empty.
It was scary.
Somehow, the next thing you know is that you’re out of your house. Nothing else with you but your keys and phone, both in your hands as you run down the street. Steps echoing the empty streets as you ran. Your breath was laboured, but you didn’t care, you kept going.
The street lights were on, shining a yellow, almost orange light down on the street. It was so quiet, normally it would make you afraid, but with your pace, you didn’t have time nor room for fear anymore.
The hood of your hoodie bouncing at your back, sneakers softening your steps as you run. Your brain isn’t fully even comprehending your destination, until you arrive at it just minutes later. You see a small front yard of a modern apartment building. You open the gate and enter the yard you’ve been in many times. Jump up the stairs you’ve had many conversations on at these small hours of the night.
As you’re about to press the familiar buzzer, you see a woman walking towards you, inside the hallway, about to exit the house. You smile at her, you’ve seen her a couple of times and she seems to recognize you too. As she exits, she holds the door open for you, letting you inside.
You’re so grateful for her.
You lead up to the second floor and stop on the door where you’ve stood many times before. Sometimes, you’d have a book with you, or a present for the little boy that you know lives inside of the apartment. Sometimes you’d have coffee with you, sometimes wine, depending on the time and reason for your visit.
What did you bring this time? You didn’t have anything. Just an uneasy feeling, anxiety and pain.
You knock on the door and a wave of regret takes over. It makes you hope you didn’t knock hard enough, waking up the residents of the apartment. You take a step back, trying to talk yourself out of the house. It would be better if you’d just leave. Don’t bother his night. But your legs refuse to listen, having a mind of their own.
Your heart sinks as you hear steps behind the door you’ve knocked. Was it relief? Or fear? Maybe both, you were unsure. You hear the lock turning and the white door in front of you opens slowly.
A tall man stood by it, a puzzled look in his tired eyes. His hair was a mess, going in all directions. He has a big t-shirt covering his torso and soft looking pajama pants warming his long legs. Once he fully registers who’s standing at his door at this time, he smiles at you but you see concern pooling in his eyes. “Hey. What are you doing here?” he asks softly. You try to come up with an apology, but no words leave your mouth. “Are you alright?” he takes a step towards you, he if someone’s able to read the pain in your eyes.
“Aaron” you begin, voice trembling. It was enough for the man to pull you into a hug. Soothingly he runs his big hands along your spine and you reach to rest your chin on his shoulder. As you’ve done many, many times before. Yet it never gets old.
He’s warm and the size of him makes you feel even smaller than you already felt. But he didn’t make you feel insignificant, it made you feel noticed and loved. It made you feel appreciated. He made you feel like for a moment, breathing would be a little bit easier. “I’m right here” he whispers in your hair, not making a single effort to part from the embrace.
He knew how much you needed to feel someone close to you at that moment.
“I didn’t know where else to go” you sob to his shoulder.
He squeezes you just a tiny bit tighter, before he parts. Just enough to look you in your eyes. With his thumb, he wipes one the tears rolling down your cheek. It’s a sign of him taking a little bit of the weight on your shoulders, on his own. He helps you inside of the apartment, away from the cold hallway.
As the door closes behind you, you can’t keep yourself together anymore and you crumble down, the weight of the world crushing you beneath it. You fall down and you feel your anxiety and exhaustion taking over. Leaning your back on the now closed front door, you sob into your hands, covering your face.
He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t need to. His presence is all you need right now. He takes a seat next to you and wraps his arms around you, pulling you close to his chest. His fingers sooth your hair, gently holding you against his broad chest. You hear his heart beating, a soft rhythm inside his chest, bringing you slowly back to reality.
“I didn’t know where else to go” you repeat, it’s the only thing that makes sense right now. When everything else seems uncertain, you know in his arms there’s always a place for you. Even when nothing else makes sense. He continues to hold you, for as long as you need and you know that it will never change. He doesn’t have to say it, he’s shown it to you with his actions so many times.
There’s a place for you, too.