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Zedaph banged his head down on his desk with a loud thump. “I can’t believe this,” he groaned. “All hope of an elaborate confession- gone! I was going to create something so cool, like- like a rollercoaster ride, with fireworks and a scary drop where we could hold each other for support- and now I’ve gone and ruined it all by confessing with a rotten potato!” He slumped further down in his chair. “Tango didn’t even know! This is the worst coincidence in the history of awful coincidences.” He looked up at the robot dummy he was talking to. “You understand, don’t you, Relationship Counselling Bot 2000?”
The hunk of iron and redstone just stared at him.
“Damn, I knew trying to build an AI to help me with my relationship problems was a terrible idea.” Zedaph sighed. Then he paused. “...wait, did I forget to turn you on?!”
He rushed around the back of the robot and found that the circuitry was completely unpowered. Zed flipped a switch, watched the machine hum to life, and then ran back around to where he’d been sitting. “Alright! Now! Relationship Counselling Bot 2000, what should I do about VintageBeef?”
The bot sputtered and spat out a piece of paper, which landed neatly on Zedaph’s desk. He picked it up and read it.
“‘Confess’? No, I already did that! And now he thinks I’m some crazy mad scientist with a thing for potatoes.” Zed sighed. “Though… I am a crazy mad scientist and Mumbo is kind of cute- anyway, that’s not the point! I have to know how to fix things with Beef and make him know that I’m serious!”
The robot spluttered again and spat out another piece of paper. Zedaph squinted at it.
“‘Just tell him how you feel’... you’re a terrible relationship helper, Relationship Counselling Bot 2000. I knew I should have just gone to Impulse and Tango instead of trying to continue keeping this to myself…” He groaned. “Oh, this is all terrible. Everything’s just gone wrong, wrong, wrong-”
He slammed his head down on his desk again, and it must have jostled his brain cells together because suddenly he was struck with an idea. “Wait!” Zedaph’s head shot back up and he spoke directly to the robot as if it cared. “I can go to Doc! He knows Beef really well, and he’s my cousin, so he’d never tell anyone, especially not Beef! And he’s a science guy too!”
The robot stared blankly.
Zed sprung up from his chair, grabbing his lab coat off the back of it and prancing towards the door. “Bye, Relationship Counselling Bot 2000! Don’t cause any trouble while I’m gone!” He burst outside, kicked the door shut with one of his hooves, and set off.
“Believe me, even if Beef does think you’re crazy, it’s not a dealbreaker,” Doc said, grabbing a nearby goat and handing it to Zed, who struggled under the weight. “Make sure she looks healthy, then give her a snack and send her along,” he directed, referring to the goat. “I appreciate you offering to lend a hand, Zedaph.”
“Yeah- don’t mention it-” Zed squeaked, puffing heavily as he tried not to drop the goat, who seemed completely disinterested with the sheep hybrid. “You were- you were saying about Beef?” He squinted at the goat’s face, checking for any telltale signs of illness, and then breathed a sigh of relief as he put her down.
Doc picked up another goat with ease. “You know. He’s been friends with me for years, and I’m constantly tearing apart reality for fun. I don’t think he’d be put off by the fact that you experimented on him and then he experimented on you, and then one of your friends made you do a love confession with a rotten potato and a bucket of cod.”
“When you put it like that, it actually sounds worse,” Zed admits, struggling to take the next goat from Doc’s arms. “But I guess I see your point. So what do you think I should do? Is there anything you know he really likes?”
Doc shrugged. “Sincerity. Be yourself.”
“As sappy and adorable as that is, it doesn’t really help.” Zed put the goat down and looked up at Doc. “I need to know how to change his opinion of me from ‘that scientist that confessed his love to me with a rotten potato’ to ‘that guy who is genuinely in love with me’.”
“You want to stop being a scientist?”
“No, I-” Zed sighed as he saw Doc’s smile. “You’re… just pulling my leg. Doc, c’mon, I really need help here-”
“And I’m giving it to you!” Doc replied. “Beef doesn’t care if you compared your relationship to a rotten potato, or if you experimented on him or vice versa, because it was genuine. You want to get something across to him?” The taller man shrugged. “Just tell the truth. Tell him what you told me. He’ll listen. He’s good at that.”
Zed bit his lip, thinking. “Okay. Thanks, Doc. I’ll do that.”
He went through many ideas of elaborate setups he could use to enrapture Beef and tossed them all in the trash, before eventually settling on what he thought was the most genuine Zedaph way of all: ambushing Beef in his base and completely winging it off the top of his head. Surely that couldn’t go wrong, right? After all, if Beef could cope with the whole thing about ‘rotten potato love’, he could cope with another random tangent from Zedaph’s brain about how he was actually serious and Beef’s face haunted his dreams at night but in a romantic way. Right. This couldn’t possibly go wrong.
Zed spotted Beef milling around the outside of his base from the air and quickly dove down to meet him on the ground. “Beef!” Zedaph cried, just about throwing himself into the other man’s arms. “Beef, Beef, I have to talk to you.”
Beef blinked. “O-o…kay?”
“You remember the Chamber? Wait, of course you remember the Chamber. When Tango made me do that whole thing with a rotten potato and a bucket of cod?” Zed stammered quickly.
“Yes? Zed, are you-”
“I’m perfectly okay!” Zed answered before Beef could even finish asking. “Well, I just wanted to come over here- and say- well- Tango didn’t know, it was just a coincidence- Iactually do likeyoubutImadeafoolofmyselfandIwantedtomakesureyoudidn’thatemeorsomething.”
“I… huh? Zedaph, I didn’t get any of that,” Beef admitted.
“Oh.” Zedaph steadied himself. “I said- um- I do actually like you like that but Tango kind of accidentally pushed me into making a fool of myself in the Chamber and I wanted to come over here and confess properly and also make sure you didn’t hate me or something.”
Beef blinked again. “Well, I don’t hate you. And I don’t think you made a fool of yourself, though it was kind of… amusing? And, uh, y’know, I didn’t think you were serious, but I had my doubts, so I’m glad you came over here and told me and confirmed my suspicions,” he said evenly. “Oh, and I love you too.”
“That’s good, that’s good, I’m glad you don’t hate me or anything, it’s really quite reassuring-” and then Zed’s brain caught up to the end of Beef’s sentence and his words screeched to a halt. “What.”
Beef just looked at him, as if waiting for him to process.
“You- wait- hang on- did you just say- no, I misheard- wait-” Zed stammered, flustered. “Beef, did you just say you love me?”
“M-hm.”
“What.”
Beef shrugged. “You want to come inside? Have some coffee? I think I have some cake left over, too,” he said.
“Like a date?” Zedaph stared at him.
“Yeah, like a date, if you want it to be,” Beef replied.
“Of course I want it to be,” Zed breathed. “I want nothing more than it to be a date.”
Beef smiled, extending his hand for Zedaph to take. “Then it’s settled. Let’s have a date.”
Zedaph smiled back and let Beef lead him inside.