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Obi-Wan knew that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep that night. Even though he was fairly tired his brain just kept on running. Thinking about what happened that day, what was said at the council meeting, how he needed to write reports about his most recent mission, that he needed to talk to Cody and other less important stuff.
When his brain finally thought all these things through, his mind – in an attempt to keep itself entertained – went deeper. To the things he didn’t want to think about.
There were few of them, but today his mind settled on himself. Or rather, the person that he pretended to be.
Obi-Wan tried to shake his head a little to get these thoughts out, but it did not help. He tried again by rolling over to the other side of his bed, but not only that it didn’t stop him from thinking, he started to feel wrong. He took a deep breath and rolled on his back, so he was facing the ceiling. Not that he could see it of course. His room was dark as any room would be at approximately three in the morning.
He was looking at the darkness above him. It reminded him of himself. Kind of. He sometimes felt like he couldn’t see who he was. Or rather that there was something blocking him from seeing it. Maybe he was the thing, he though, the darkness keeping him from seeing the metaphorical ceiling. He knew, deep down, that this was not him. That this was just a performance, a very good one if he was honest. He could’ve almost believed it himself.
Almost.
There were times that Obi-wan allowed himself to use different pronouns, when referring to himself. Or rather, herself… themselves? They guessed this was one of those times. Obi-Wan never really thought about it. Or rather, they let themselves have these kinds of moments of euphoria and then they locked the memories somewhere deep inside of their mind and refused to even think about it again, until one of those times came again.
Well, Obi-Wan thought, they couldn’t run from it forever. So why not explore the feeling they have kept hidden since their childhood.
The feeling when an old Master accidentally called Obi-Wan a “very stubborn lady”. They smiled a bit at the memory. This “accident” happened when Obi-Wan was around six years old. They could still recall how weirdly right it felt.
They also remembered that one time they were sent to negotiate to some Mid-rim planet.
“Which pronouns should we use when referring to you?” Asked one of the ministers he was supposed to negotiate with.
They almost said she/her, but they quickly caught themselves, before replying with “Oh, he/him will do.”
It was weird, Obi-Wan thought, they/them or she/her pronouns haven’t felt right. Or maybe, they just weren’t used to them? Well, there is no harm in trying something new, right?
She thought about that one conversation with Quinlan about who would look better in a dress. She knew Quinlan would absolutely rock it, but for Obi-Wan? It would have felt… right. She remembered how, when she was training Anakin, she thought about herself more like his older sister than his brother. How utterly wrong it felt to talk with Ahsoka as a man than it would have felt if Ashoka viewed Obi-Wan as a woman.
But, Obi-Wan didn’t feel like a woman, not really. But they didn’t feel like a man either. Of course, Obi-Wan knew that gender wasn’t a feeling. But it was something they could describe using their feelings.
Obi-Wan got out of the bed. She for sure wasn’t getting any sleep tonight. She walked out of her bedroom and made a beeline for the fresher. She drank some water from the sink before looking up at herself in the mirror. She could make out her eyes and an outline of her face, but that was about it.
They rubbed a hand at their face and paused a bit at their beard.
Oh, the beard.
It wasn’t a normal beard, well, it was, but for her it was more like a prompt. Helping Obi-Wan to play the role of a wise Jedi Master who knew what he was doing and who he was. And Obi-Wan was really good at playing that role. But they weren’t happy with it. They knew they shouldn’t be playing a role their whole life.
She run her fingers through the beard. She knew for a long time that it had to go. It was something she hated about herself, even though Jedi weren’t supposed to hate anything. But she also knew that at this point, shaving the beard would mean shoving her true self. She could lie of course when someone would ask why she shaved it. But they knew they weren’t going to do that. They couldn’t do that. Obi-Wan was good at lying, or rather, not telling the truth – not that they did it often. Whatever lie she would tell the others, they would probably believe it. But she knew she wasn’t going to lie to them. She couldn’t lie to them. Not about this. There wouldn’t be a point in shaving the beard otherwise.
Was she ready though?
She knew who she was. She knew it for a long time. But was telling everyone else the right choice? After all, they were in the middle of a war. That wasn’t the best time to do this. What would the others say? Her fellow councillors? Force, what would Anakin say?
But also, she knew she couldn’t live like this any longer.
She reached for a razor.
Shaving took her longer, than she expected. Obi-Wan washed remains of the beard away and looked up at herself in the mirror. Even in the dark, she couldn’t help but stare at her own face. This was it. This was her.
Of course, there were other things she wanted to change about her appearance, but this was a start. A start to looking like her true self.
She watched a tear run down her face and felt so good when it hasn’t stopped at her beard – because there was no beard. Her fingers were moving across her cheeks and lips and chin and there was no beard any longer. She felt so happy and relieved, and she was crying, and she didn’t know why.
Obi-Wan poured their tea and thought about their best course of action. They needed to tell everyone. But how? They can’t go to every individual being and tell them. They will tell the council – no, they will tell Master Windu first, before the council meeting, and then she will tell the rest of the council before their meeting. The council than releases a statemen and that will hopefully be it.
But what about Anakin? And Ashoka?
They will have to tell them personally. Probably right before the council meeting, so there won’t be a chance that they will hear it somewhere else first.
Obi-Wan took a deep breath and chugged down their tea. They dressed in the most feminine-looking robes they had – whatever that meant. They took another deep breath and then they were out on their way to Master Windu’s quarters.
Even though Obi-Wan’s and Windu’s quarters were quite close together, getting there felt somehow harder than before. She felt on herself eyes of everyone she met, their confused looks and raised eyebrows. She tried to project calmness into the force, like she always did, and nodded to everyone that greeted her.
Thankfully, no one stopped to ask her about her beard, or lack there off. They’re going to learn soon enough, Obi-Wan thought.
It took only one knock on the door for Mace to appear. He looked Obi-Wan up and down with measuring eyes but didn’t comment on anything.
“What brings you here?” He asked, letting Obi-Wan in.
“I want to share something with you.” Obi-Wan said.
Master Windu gestured to the couch and Obi-Wan sat down.
“Tee?”
“Yes, thank you,” Obi-Wan replied, nervously playing with the tip of her sleeves.
“So… What is it?” Windu asked calmly, as he was pouring the tee into two cups. He offered one to Obi-Wan who took it and chugged half of it down. Windu just raised his eyebrows at that. He knew something was off with Obi-Wan the moment they set foot in his apartment. Windu sat on a chair opposite to Obi-Wan, his own cup in hand.
Obi-Wan took a deep.
“I’m a woman.”
“Congratulations,” Mace said, without missing a beat. He smiled at Obi-Wan encouragingly and started projecting calmness and security into the force. “What pronouns should I use?”
“She and they would be lovely,” Obi-Wan replied, all tension slowly leaving their shoulders. It felt so relieving, even though Obi-Wan shouldn’t have been stressed about it in the first place. It was highly unlikely for someone not to be okay with it. For forces sake, they knew a lot of people that changed their gender, and everyone was supportive of them. They didn’t know why they thought that for them it will be different.
“Will you also be changing your name?” Master Windu asked, pulling Obi-Wan from their thoughts.
It took a while for Obi-Wan to reply; she hasn’t really thought about that.
“No, I don’t think I will. I like my name and it’s also unisex, so I think I will keep it.”
Master Windu smiled at Obi-Wan again, and if it weren’t for the fact that Obi-Wan was still processing the whole conversation she would’ve teased him about it. But she was, indeed, still processing the whole conversation, so she was thankful for all the support she was offered.
“Have you talked about it with someone else?” Mace asked.
“No, I wanted to bring it up at today’s council meeting.”
Windu gave a little nod, “and then, will you want to proceed as normal? I assume you know about the whole process. We’ll releases a statemen so everyone can gender you correctly and you’ll get an appointment in the healers ward to discuss medical transition.”
“Yes, I do. But before that, I want to tell Anakin. I don’t want him to get the information from the council, or some rumours.” Obi-Wan said, absently tracing her hairless cheeks.
“Alright,” said Mace, “we have some time before the meeting, I assume you’ll want to tell him now?”
Obi-Wan nodded. She drank the remaining tee, sat the cup on Maces table and turned to leave.
“Thank you very much for, you know, everything,” she said.
Windu smiled again, and, seriously, what was it with him and smiling today?
“Go, Obi-wan,” he gave her one last encouraging look.
Obi-Wan nodded her head in silent thanks and went out the door.
Once out of Windus appartement, Obi-Wan took a deep breath. That went well. Unsurprisingly.
The walk to Anakin’s quarters was too quick. She didn’t really though through what she wanted to tell him. Obi-Wan opened the door to find Anakin in the kitchen, attempting to make what seemed to be an omelette.
“Will you want some?” Anakin asked, feeling Obi-Wan’s arrival in the force.
“No, thank you,” Obi-Wan answered and sat down at the table. “Actually, I want to speak with you, if that’s alright.”
“What’s going on?” Anakin asked and turned to face Obi-Wan.
A beat passed of them just staring at each other. Obi-Wan unable to say a word and Anakin’s brain straight up stopping at the sight of Obi-Wan without a beard.
“Obi-Wan?” Anakin broke the silence first with a shaky voice. Something was going on.
“Anakin… I-,” Obi-Wan tried to start, but the words wouldn’t come out.
“What happened to your beard?” Uncertainty and fear started flooding the force.
“I shaved it,” Obi-Wan finally managed to answer.
Anakin asked with a surprised voice, “you… shaved it? Why?”
“Because” Obi-Wan took a deep breath and met Anakin’s eyes. “It didn’t resonate with who I am.”
“Who… are you then?” Anakin tried to sound less scared and tiny, but it didn’t work.
“I’m a woman,” Obi-Wan said simply.
A beat.
“A woman?” Anakin blinked a few times to make sure everything was real and actually happening.
“I-, yes. I’m a woman, but I’m using both she and they pronouns, if that’s alright. I’ve wa-,” Obi-Wan felt herself starting to ramble, but was cut off by Anakin.
“How long have you known?” His voice was absent from any emotions now.
“It doesn’t matter how long I’ve known,” she started again, trying to calm herself. “What matters is that I’ve accepted it quite recently and I hope that you can learn to accept it too.”
“I-,” Anakin looked down in an attempt to absorb everything that just happened. Obi-Wan sounded broken somehow. Was it because of him? Did he react badly? Did Obi-Wan though that he hated him, no wait, her now? Anakin closed his eyes briefly. He doesn’t hate Obi-Wan, of course not. He’s happy, that she can finally be herself.
“All this time I thought I knew who you were, but now you are someone different and I don’t know what to do about it.” Anakin finally said, hoping that maybe being honest about his feeling regarding this situation will make Obi-Wan feel better.
“Anakin, I’m still the Obi-Wan you know. The only thing that changed about me is my gender and pronouns.” Obi-Wan spoke in, what she hoped would be, a reassuring voice.
“Yeah, I know, but… I-, I just-, I had this picture of you in my head and now, it’s not you anymore, and what if there are other things that I thought I knew about you but are actually a part of the person you aren’t anymore. I just… What if I said something stupid and it hurt you?” Anakin was gesturing chaotically as he spoke. He suddenly remembered times he made jokes, stupid little jokes, that maybe hurt his master. Maybe Obi-Wan could have realised who she was sooner, if it weren’t for him.
Obi-Wan stood up, carefully making his way to Anakin.
“Anakin, you haven’t said anything stupid, and, even if you would, I would have told you. We would’ve talked about it. You know I care about you very much, right? I wouldn’t let our relationship be destroyed by something like that.”
Anakin stopped dead in his tracks. So, it wasn’t his fault? Obi-Wan cared about Anakin enough that she would tell him when he made her uncomfortable?
“You mean it?” He managed to ask.
“Oh, Anakin.” Obi-Wan smiled and hugged Anakin tightly. Anakin relaxed in her arms after a while, hugging Obi-Wan back with brute force.
“Thank you for telling me, master,” he said. “I’ll try to use your pronouns and not to fark up to often.”
Obi-Wan smiled into Anakin’s shoulder, “I know you’ll do your best Anakin, you always do.”
If there were few tears, well, no one needed to know.