Work Text:
9/17/2021
5:53 PM
Unknown number:
hey did you remember to pick up the goat for tonight?
5:56 PM
i’m sorry but who is this and why the fuck do you need a goat?
6:01 PM
Unknown number:
sorry wrong number
6:03 PM
obviously, but now i need more information on the goat
6:14 PM
Unknown number:
it’s for a thing
6:18 PM
a thing????
6:20 PM
Unknown number:
don’t worry it’s not as sus as it sounds
6:22 PM
idk it sounds pretty sus. wtf are you planning on even doing with a goat??
6:35 PM
hello??? is the goat okay???
6:43 PM
Unknown number:
what?? yeah the goat is fine
6:44 PM
Unknown number:
we’re not doing anything nefarious to the goat
6:52 PM
then what the hell did you need a goat for?
6:53 PM
Unknown number:
ok now you’re sounding like you WANT us to do something weird with the goat
6:53 PM
Unknown number:
do YOU have a weird goat thing???
6:55 PM
WHAT
6:55 PM
NO I DON’T HAVE A WEIRD GOAT THING
6:56 PM
WHO EVEN IS THIS
6:56 PM
WHY DO YOU HAVE A GOAT
6:59 PM
Unknown number:
why are you yelling
6:59 PM
Unknown number:
you texted me first
7:00 PM
Unknown number:
i told you it’s for a thing
7:01 PM
YOU TEXTED ME FIRST
7:02 PM
ok but WHAT thing??????
7:10 PM
Unknown number:
we’re not slaughtering it or anything. just teaching my friend about the responsibility of owning a pet
7:11 PM
Unknown number:
he wanted a dog but oh well
7:13 PM
so you got him a goat????
7:15 PM
Unknown number:
abraxas isn’t the most reliable person. he’d forget to feed it or something idk so we thought a goat was the best alternative. he can just take it to the park and let it eat the grass
7:16 PM
i-
7:16 PM
i do not have the energy to explain to you how idiotic that is
_____
9/28/2021
8:55 PM
Unknown number:
don’t forget the koolaid
9:10 PM
ok seriously dude are you running a cult or something?
9:11 PM
Unknown number:
shit i thought i saved bella's new number. sorry about that.
9:11 PM
Unknown number:
wait what? no. we just like fruit flavored drinks that provoke childhood nostalgia
9:12 PM
and you chose koolaid???? that shit is disgusting
9:15 PM
Unknown number:
just bc you don’t appreciate a good fruit punch doesn’t mean you have to slander an entire brand that brings joy to millions of children
9:17 PM
don’t you mean “brings diabetes to millions of children”?
9:21 PM
Unknown number:
just say you have no taste buds and leave it at that
9:22 PM
just say you don’t like water and leave it at that
9:28 PM
Unknown number:
i’ll have you know i love water
9:28 PM
Unknown number:
i’m very hydrated
9:28 PM
Unknown number:
my skin is amazing
9:35 PM
stop texting me
____
10/6/2021
2:27 AM
Unknown number:
how hard do you think it is to organize a mass suicide
2:27 AM
Unknown number:
not that i’m trying to organize one or anything
2:27 AM
Unknown number:
i’m just curious about the logistics
2:32 AM
what the fuck
2:36 AM
Unknown number:
it’s a valid question
2:38 AM
should i be concerned that you’re trying to organize a mass suicide
2:38 AM
should i be contacting the police rn
2:42 AM
Unknown number:
i JUST said i wasn’t organizing one
2:43 AM
and i’m expected to believe you?? i don’t even know you
2:43 AM
you could be some sort of cult leader for all i know
2:47 AM
Unknown number:
jesus fucking christ i already told you i’m not a cult leader
2:47 AM
Unknown number:
i’m just reading the virgin suicides and ruminating on hypotheticals
2:48 AM
you and every other 16 year old who thinks they’re “different”
2:49 AM
Unknown number:
what’s THAT supposed to mean????
2:50 AM
Unknown number:
it’s a great book
2:51 AM
is it tho?
____
10/15/2021
12:07 PM
weird cult guy:
you know what?
12:07 PM
weird cult guy:
i’m gonna say it
12:08 PM
weird cult guy:
helter skelter is a great song
12:08 PM
weird cult guy:
possibly the best song
12:09 PM
weird cult guy:
maybe manson just had great music taste. did anyone ever consider that?
12:09 PM
weird cult guy:
like yeah he was a weird dude, and all the murder was probably a bad choice, but what if he was just a really big beatles fan
12:10 PM
weird cult guy:
i love the beatles
1:27 PM
you’re really living up to your contact name rn
1:32 PM
weird cult guy:
oh so you finally saved my number?
1:32 PM
weird cult guy:
how sweet
1:32 PM
weird cult guy:
what is it
1:37 PM
“weird cult guy”
1:39 PM
weird cult guy:
are you fucking kidding me
1:39 PM
weird cult guy:
I’M NOT IN A CULT
1:40 PM
weird cult guy:
ALSO WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST USE MY NAME
1:42 PM
I LITERALLY DON’T KNOW YOUR NAME
1:42 PM
YOU JUST KEEP TEXTING ME
1:43 PM
weird cult guy:
well my name is tom
1:43 PM
weird cult guy:
there, now change my name
1:45 PM
fine
1:45 PM
btw that sounds like a cult leader’s name
1:46 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
OH MY FUCKING GOD
_____
10/23/2021
2:12 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
ok that’s a solid idea but what if we used the virgins
2:26 PM
do i even want to know
2:32 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
what?
2:33 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
shit i was wondering why abraxas never texted me back
2:33 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
that text wasn’t for you
2:35 PM
obviously
2:35 PM
why do your friends have such weird names
2:35 PM
also what the fuck are you using virgins for
2:36 PM
is this a weird sex cult thing
2:37 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
abraxas is a fine name
2:37 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
you’re the one with the weird name
2:40 PM
you don’t even know my name
2:42 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
exactly
2:42 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i can only assume you haven’t told me your name because it’s weird
2:45 PM
my name is perfectly normal thank you very much
2:46 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i don’t believe you
2:48 PM
you don’t believe me??????
2:49 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
if it was a normal name then you would’ve told me what it was
2:49 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
but since you haven’t, i must assume it’s because your name sucks
2:50 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
you’re probably embarrassed by it
2:50 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
how tragic
2:52 PM
I AM NOT EMBARRASSED BY MY NAME
2:52 PM
also, you never answered my question. is the virgin text related to a weird sex cult thing?
2:54 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
what? no, i told you i’m not in a cult
2:54 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i’m just in a fraternity
2:56 PM
same thing
2:58 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
stop changing the subject
2:58 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
what’s your name?
2:59 PM
this is ridiculous
3:02 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
fine, dont tell me. but i’ll be forced to make your contact name something truly abysmal since you refuse to tell me
3:02 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
gertrude, perhaps?
3:07 PM
hermione
3:09 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
no, that’s not NEARLY bad enough
3:10 PM
no, my name is hermione
3:19 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
huh
3:20 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i like that name.
______
10/27/2021
9:52 PM
Maybe: Abraxas Malfoy
ok so white hooded cloaks are out for obvious reasons, but do we really HAVE to all match???
9:54 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
it’s a group costume so yes
9:56 PM
Maybe: Abraxas Malfoy
but there’s so much potential for group costumes that DON’T include matching outfits
9:59 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
blame bella
10:25 PM
WHAT THE HELL TOM
10:25 PM
WHAT IS THIS
10:28 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
in my defense
10:28 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i didn’t even make this chat
10:28 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i have no idea how abraxas got your number
10:32 PM
Maybe: Abraxas Malfoy
wait i thought i added bella
10:32 PM
Maybe: Abraxas Malfoy
who are you?
10:37 PM
i’m gonna kms
10:41 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
good job abraxas
______
10/29/2021
6:02 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i need you to do me a favor
6:12 PM
no
6:15 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i haven’t even told you what the favor is
6:17 PM
doesn’t matter. still no
6:19 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i need you to go to a party with me
6:20 PM
no
6:21 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
why not?
6:22 PM
well first of all, i don’t even know you
6:24 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
oh come on, we’re practically best friends
6:24 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
we’ve been texting for well over a month now
6:27 PM
that doesn’t make us best friends
6:30 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
close enough
6:30 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
come on, i really need you to come to this party with me
6:35 PM
how do i know it’s not just some sort of cult initiation
6:37 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i thought we were past you accusing me of being in a cult
6:38 PM
i’m still not entirely convinced you’re NOT in a cult
6:40 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i promise there will be zero cult stuff at this party
6:40 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
well there might be some chanting
6:40 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
and some possible blood rituals
6:41 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
but that’s just because lestrange is going through a phase rn
6:41 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
anyway, i need you to come with me so i can get out of this group costume thing
6:41 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
also so bella stops trying to set me up with all of her friends
6:42 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
she thinks i’m lonely
6:42 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
so will you come?
6:48 PM
fine
6:48 PM
but i’m not dressing up
6:49 PM
and i’m not giving you my address
______
10/30/2021
10:05 PM
i’m here (i think?)
10:07 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
be right out
______
10/30/2021
11:42 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
where are you
11:44 PM
i have no idea, but i found the chanting room
11:47 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
fucking hell i told lestrange to knock it off
11:47 PM
tom (possible cult leader):
i’ll be right there
11:50 PM
are you SURE this isn’t a cult?
_______
10/31/2021
9:35 AM
hey
9:35 AM
i had fun last night
9:55 AM
tom:
yeah, so did i
9:57 AM
do you want to get coffee in a bit?
9:57 AM
absolutely.
______
10/31/2021
11:08 AM
Abraxas Malfoy:
‼️ATTENTION‼️ 💀👻ALL HALLOWEEN🎃🕸 HOES😙💅 ITS TIME TO GET ☠️SPOOKY💀 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS👏 GET 👊FISTED👊 BY A 💀SKELETON 💀SHOVE✊🍭 CANDY 🌽🌽CORN🍬 IN YOUR👉PUSSY😽 AND 🙅DONT🙅♂️ FORGET TO SUCK😩🙌 SOME 💏DRACULA💉 DICK🍆💦😫 SO PUT 🔛 YOUR 👗👑COSTUMES👘👒 AND GO 🚪DOOR TO DOOR🚪 👀👅💦BEGGING😩 FOR THAT 😍GOOD GOOD😍 SEND THIS TO TWELVE1️⃣2️⃣ ☠️SPOOKY👻 🍑SLUTS🌮 TO 👁SHOW💁 THAT YOURE READY TO GET SOME 🍫CHOCOLATE🍫 COVERED 🍆DICK🌽
*tom left the conversation*
*you left the conversation*