Archive of Our Own ^beta

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"Mom! I'm home!" I walked through the front door and hung up my jacket on the rack. My mother rarely picked me up from school, despite the school being a 40 minute walk from home.

I walked into the kitchen and tried to jump up on the counter, but alas my short legs are still as short as they were yesterday when I tried this. I grabbed a chair and propped it against the counter so I could get up to the cabinet with the bandaids.

I scraped my knee trying to get away from Mrs ruby's dog again. Thankfully being a fox hybrid has it's perks or I would be dog food.

I grabbed a bandaid from the pack and carefully placed it to my knee. It still hadn't fully healed from last time. I grab a cookie from the cookie jar, why should I ask permission when I was the one who baked them.

"Hey mom!" She never leaves home after work, her silence was starting to get on my nerves. I'd usually be able to hear her fingers twitching trying to reach for her pills or the opening of a cap.

Not a single movement was heard. Maybe she left to get her pills refilled. Or maybe she was on one of her self betterment phases again that only lasted for a week or two.

I try not to blame her, I know that dad leaving her, was hard. But I can only come up with so many excuses before people get suspicious and call CPS. I miss him too.

I pull up the necklace from my dress. It's a real gold necklace or at least that's what my dad told me, he apparently made it himself, I think uncle techno made it. It's a heart with small flowery detailing and an orange gem in the middle. I open the heart, the gentle music of the music box, fills the air, tugging at my heart strings and I feel tears build up in my eyes as I look at the picture of me and him.

He gave it to me the day he left. He looked me in the eyes, he told me he loved me and that I'm his little champion... I close the locket with a smack. He'll come back, I know he will.

I grab the cookbook and make dinner. It's never as good as mom's cooking, but she doesn't make food anymore. She works, gets home and sleeps. I put the leftovers in the fridge in case she's hungry when she gets home.

It's late, I can't read time properly yet but it's 21:07 on the clock in the kitchen. Mom isn't back. I should be in bed, but I need to know she's safe.

I've been sitting in front of the door for a while now. Maybe she'll be back soon and she can tuck me in and sing me a song, kiss me on the forehead and tell me reassuring words about how she'll get better and I'll be a happy little girl again.

I fumble with the necklace, I open it, close it, turn it around and twist the chain around my fingers before undoing it and then doing it again.

If I don't go to bed now, I won't be able to stay awake at school tomorrow. I'm torn, I can't sleep if I don't know if my mom is safe, but if I don't sleep then I won't be able to stay awake in class, and then the teacher will get mad at me and the principal will get mad at me, and I'll get detention and then my mom will cry and complain about how she's a terrible mother!

I make my way upstairs. I've already brushed my teeth and put on my pajamas. I stop at the door to my mother's room. There's a weird smell coming from it, it's weirdly metallic. I stretch to grab the handle, but the door was already open. I push it and-

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I sat alone on a bench outside in the yard of the orphanage. I didn't want to be near the other kids and they didn't want to be near me. I could hear some girls talking shit about my ears and some boys talking about how much they wanted to rail me.

I'd feel sick to my stomach if I wasn't so numb. My mother was dead, she died, she's no longer here, I'll never see her again and I'll never hear her gentle voice singing me a lullaby. Those thoughts rang loudly in my head.

I hoped my father would swoop in and carry me away from all the awfulness that was my life. I prayed silently by my bedside every night that, that he would return to me and never ever leave again. He never came.

The orphanage was strict, to say the least. Girls and boy were separated into two different basic, white buildings with a courtyard in the middle. The workers were nuns and a priest.

Beatings were permitted, but only used for extreme discipline. Like when you kiss a girl in the bathroom or when the girl gives you a hickey in the hallway. But that one boy pulling my skirt up and pushing me into the thorny bushes gets a pass, because 'boy will be boys'.

Sister Sofia was my arch nemesis. She always found an excuse to give me a beating. My rib still hurts from the time she beat me with a horse whip for calling Texas (yes his name was Texas) a 'bitch'.

Me and this one guy would sneak out the fence and buy drugs with money we stole from the charity box. We smoke weed on the rooftop of one of the orphanage buildings and we'd snort cocaine together in the bathroom of a store we'd sometimes get sent to buy groceries from.

Too bad he overdosed and got permanent brain damage.

Late at night when we were forced to pray to a god most of us didn't believe in, I'd hold the necklace between my hands and pray for a miracle.

And I guess it happened.

I was 14 years old when I ran away. I stole the charity money and ran out the door with sister Sofia and sister Adelaide in tow.

I ran till my lungs were raw and my eyes stung. My legs felt like jelly, they were long gone, but I felt dread creep it's way up my spine at the mere thought of stopping. Nothing could stop me from reaching the train station. Nothing could stop me from finding him.

The memory of a girl showing me a picture of her favorite singer and seeing my own father plastered onto a piece of paper with a huge grin on his face. I'd say it was like setting my heart on fire, but it was more like a creeping, crippling cold, it made my heart heavy and the world became an array of different blues.

She told me he'd recently performed in London and I knew I had to find him. I'd beg him to take me back, I wouldn't even ask why he never came back, I just wanted him to hold me and never let go.

So I bought a ticket.

The ride was suffocating, anticipation and anxiety made me want to throw up. I held the necklace close to my heart and listened to the calming melody.

I walked aimlessly for hours, I'd never been to London before. The place is huge. When I passed The Big Ben for the fifth time in a row, I realized I'd been walking in circles.

But as I looked upon the guant clock once more, a sound completely encapsulated my ability to hear. That laughter was all I could hear. I turned around looking for the source, my ears strained to listen for a direction, the voice was fading and there was so many tourists walking around.

I ran towards where I thought the sound was coming from and there I saw him.

He was holding hands with some blonde kid. They were eating ice cream and laughing together.

That smile, the thought of seeing it again was what made me keep going. Those warm eyes weren't directed at me, they were directed at some kid I'd never seen before.

A stab through the heart would've been mercy, this was like letting acid drip onto my heart and slowly eat it's way to my soul.

Looking back on it now, I can safely say that I was overreacting. Part of me wishes I'd run up to him and screamed in his face that I was his daughter and that he had to take me back.

But I was a sensitive little coward.

The necklace felt too heavy to bare. It shattered when it hit the ground with a loud smash. The melody filled my ears and heavy tears filled my eyes as I ran away.

The world was a blur.

I ran aimlessly through the streets. The only thing I could think of was that melody. It flooded my brain and made me unable to think straight. I felt regret burn away at my chest and I stopped in my tracks.

I was in a dark alleyway, I can't remember if the sun was up or not. The melody was taunting me as I slid down onto the ground. I was too lost to go back and find it. Boiling hot tears rolled down my cheeks and fell down on my skirt.

I pulled at my stupidly long hair, trying desperately to distract myself. I couldn't breathe, I was sobbing so much. I gasped for air and pulled my hair. I threw a fist into the wall and then pulled my knees up to hide my face.

I wanted so desperately to know why everyone I loved abandoned me. Why I wasn't good enough for anyone, not even myself.

I remembered a packet in my left pocket, I'd gotten it from some shady guy I'd been doing business with. It was filled with a white powder. To be honest I don't know what drugs were in that tiny bag.

I do remember the awful trip it sent me on. Colors swirled across my vision, everything was spinning. At some point I thought I saw my heart actually beat itself out of my chest. I cried a lot. I screamed till my lungs were raw and my throat dry.

I don't know how long I was there.

I just remember waking up in the hospital. A kind face smiled upon me as I lifted my eyelids. A man wearing a beanie which covered most of his long black hair and he had deep yet kind black eyes.

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The man, who's name happened to be Quackity, listened to my sob story and opted to take me to his home. His home happened to be the top floor of a massive hotel which he apparently owned. I would've been amazed if I wasn't so numb.

He had two boyfriends, a guy named Karl and some dude named Sapnap. Karl seemed overjoyed to have me there. He was all up in my face asking all kinds of questions until Sapnap managed to drag him away. Quackity smiled at them with such overwhelming love and care. Sapnap gave Karl a stern look and Karl gave me an apologetic smile.

Quackity took me to the kitchen and had me sit on a bar stool by the counter top while he made dinner. Sapnap and Karl sat on either side of me. Sapnap put a hand on my back and told me I could stay for as long as I wanted. I just kind of stared at him for a bit while I let his words sink before giving him a timid ok for an answer. I remember feeling unsure at first, but the tone of his voice was filled with such kindness and care that I just couldn't help, but believe him. Just a tiny bit though.

Life was better there. I mean it was clear these dumbasses didn't know shit about taking care of a teenager but they learned... eventually.

A great day for a crash course in female anatomy was the day I got my first period. I was 15 years old and woke up in the middle of the night to absolute pain. (I was a late bloomer in every aspect of puberty). So I was chilling in bed trying not to scream. I was crying and breathing heavily. It was like a ton of bricks were being stuffed into my uterus and then shaken around. And I could just feel the blood flowing out of me, staining my sheets red.

After trying to regulate my breathing for a bit while having a panic attack. I tried so hard to keep quiet, but I couldn't do it. I cracked and finally let out a blood curdling scream. The panic was sickening, I felt like I was going to throw up and my lungs were grasping at every piece of oxygen they could get. I heard a door slam open and multiple footsteps making a run for my room before I eventually passed out. My favorite hobby.

I wake up still in pain and laying in a hospital bed. I was so out of it I couldn't understand what the doctor was saying. My vision was blurry and my brain felt like goo. Karl held my hand hard while Sapnap held his hand on my shoulder. They were tense, it was clear that they'd been panicking. Quackity was somewhere in the room, but I didn't feel like looking for him. Just knowing he was there was good enough.

When we got home I was placed into one of their cuddle piles. I cried a lot that night and they just held me. I screamed about how unfair it was, that I hated my body and all of that stuff. Period hormones got me crazy that night.

But as my body kept developing I was faced with other problems. Boobs are nice, I like tits, but not on me. They just felt like two lumps of flesh weighing me down. It didn't feel right to have to wear a bra or those stupid panties that crawl up your ass. The curves of my hips started bothering me, my voice was too light. And I just hated myself, I hated my body and I know it's normal for teenagers to hate things about their bodies, but that body felt wrong and I despised it.

I avoided mirrors like the plague, I refused to be touched and I felt miserable all the time. By the time I was 16 years old the throuple decided to take me to therapy. The therapist was full of shit though. She kept telling me about the wonders of the female body and how I should cherish it. She would give me homework, she told me to stare at myself in the mirror naked while complimenting myself. Spoiler alert! It made me feel worse.

At some point Karl sat us all down on the couch and told me that if I ever needed to talk that they were always there to listen and help in any way they can. It took me months before I felt comfortable enough to tell them all the shit that was wrong with me. That's when Karl asked a groundbreaking question.

"Do you want to be a boy?" The answer is yes, but it's a thought I never let myself explore. Mom always dressed me in cute dresses and braided my hair, she'd get upset if I said I wanted short hair or that I wanted to wear pants. The nuns beat the crap out of me for kissing girls and cussing like a boy. They always told me to act more ladylike and that girls can't play pirates.

We started small. I got a hair cut, it was ugly as hell and way too short for my face, but I loved it. We burned all my dresses and skirts. We blew a lot of Quackity's money on expensive high quality binders and a tailored suit. Sapnap played catch with me in a park because it's something every man has to do according to him. Karl took me shopping so I could get more pants and shirts. All in all things were going well.

Then my period hit again and I ruined one of my favorite pants. I was inconsolable for days. I didn't cry this time, the realization that no amount of binding and shopping would change my body really hit me like a sledgehammer. But I didn't cry. I just laid in bed, numb. I didn't go to school, I didn't come out to eat and I only went to the toilet when I couldn't hold it in anymore.

On the fourth night, Quackity came in to my room. He told me about some hormone treatments I could get and that he'd pay for everything, all I had to do was get out of bed and eat something. His eyes were glossy and I felt guilt rush over me, it was like a snakebite and I could feel the venom coursing through my veins.

"...I'm sorry" He looked up in surprise, tears about to spill. "Don't apologize for things you can't control" His breath was shaky and he looked absolutely broken. "All I've done is make you worry, fuck you found me dying in the streets! You've all been so nice to me and I've only made your lives worse!" He put his arms around me and hugged me tightly, his tears falling freely. "I know what it's like to hate yourself, to feel like a burden because you can't get your shit together... but you're not a burden Fundy, you're just a little fucked up and we love you despite all that... fuck they've loved me despite my shitshow"

I don't know the full extent of Quackity's trauma, just that his ex was shit and that Karl and Sapnap made him feel better. Quackity loves those two more than anything in the world and I can see why.

That night he held me for a long time. We cried a bit and then we went to grab some food. I was hungry as shit. He cooked us some omelets and sat down beside me while we ate in silence. Once we finished up and cleaned our dishes, we both went to our respective room. But before he went inside I stopped and without turning around said "I'd really like to start testosterone by the way"

I could practically feel the warm smile he gave me. "Of course" and then he went into his room where a very upset Sapnap asked him why he left while Karl kept on snoring.

I was 18 when I got my top surgery done and 20 when I got my bottom surgery and life was perfect. I worked at Quackity's casino in the lobby. Quackity's apparent step son joined our lives and he was great. Sapnap, Karl and Quackity were finally engaged and getting married in the summer down in mexico. Everything was going just wonderfully.

Until a tall blonde kid ran into the casino with a tall man in a trench coat running after him. My world froze as I recognized the two. The shitty blonde kid and my fucking dad were running in my new better dads casino. I asked Foolish to cover for me in the lobby while I checked out what the fuck they were doing here.

The blonde kid yelled out Tubbo and they ran towards eachother and hugged. Wilbur looked exhausted and took a moment to catch his breath. Quackity went up to him and patted him hard on the back before greeting the blonde kid. They looked like old friends. I was seething with rage.

Karl and Sapnap seemed more skeptical of Wilbur, but were friendly with the blonde kid. Tubbo spotted me, but I ran before he could call me over. No way I was going to see that bastard.

I guess you could argue that getting closure would be nice or maybe he has a good reason. I don't want any of that. I just want to forget he exists and move on. But fate had other plans.

He stuck around the casino for weeks. Between flirting with Quackity and being passive aggressive towards Karl and Sapnap, he would gamble and win large sums of money. Sometimes he walked around as if he was looking for something or someone.

Quackity seemed almost smitten, but it was clear he only wanted Wilbur to keep gambling there. Personally I avoided the man at all costs. I would hide in dirty janitors closets or hide behind either Sam or Foolish. (They're both massive beefcakes).

Karl asked me if Wilbur had bothered me since I was avoiding him so much. I didn't answer.

The blonde kid, whose name I don't care enough to know, would hang out with tubbo all the fucking time and this creepy tall enderman dude would would join them sometimes. Tubbo asked if I wanted to join them a couple times but I always declined.

Soon enough Wilbur wasn't the only family member who would stick around the casino. His parents, Phil and Kristin, would drop by to pick him and blondie up and sometimes Tubbo would join them. Kristin tried to talk to me once, but I brushed her off. That family is as good as dead to me.

Now having the family you hate suddenly be around you will of course bring shitty consequences. I basically classify as an alcoholic with how much I'll drink to numb my anxieties. I've ended drunk at work a couple times now and I've always been reprimanded by either Karl or Sapnap, but never Quackity for some reason. This in turn has drawn some unwanted attention towards me. Wilbur is now actively trying to strike up conversations.

I'd always ignore him of course, but the bastard is persistent. When life gets too overwhelming I'll just go to a closed off balcony no one uses and smoke. I was doing exactly that, smoking away my problems, hoping that my lungs would collapse soon so I wouldn't have to deal with living. It's a funny thing really, I crave death, but am too much of a coward to do it myself.

"Are you trying to get into more trouble?" That voice was like a fork scraping against a plate to my ears. "Leave me alone" I spoke harshly because I wanted him to fuck off, why didn't he understand that. He walked up beside me and pulled out a lighter and his own cigarette.

"So what has you so down in the dumps?" Maybe I didn't crave death for myself, maybe I craved it for him. "None of your business" He took the hint and was silent. Before talking again, because why the fuck not!?

"Fox hybrids are pretty hard to come by in large cities, what brings you so far from the countryside?" The silence was deafening. "My daughter is a fox hybrid actually" I felt sick with dread at those words. "The funny thing is that neither me nor her mother are fox hybrids, it caused quite the ruckus in our relationship, but a quick DNA test confirmed that she's indeed my little girl" He spoke with such disgusting fondness. My heart sank with the knowledge I bare.

"I regret not getting to see her grow up, I left them when she was so young so I could become a singer in a band, her mother hated me for leaving and promptly told me to never contact them ever again" The sorrow in his voice filled me with fury, my blood was boiling. "Was it worth it?" He looked up at him, fury clear in my eyes. His eyes were wide and a bit glossy with tears. "...no"

"Have you seen your daughter after you left?"

"...no"

"Have you tried?"

"...once or twice"

"Do you think she would forgive you?"

"I don't know"

The door burst open and an old blonde man stood in the doorway. "There you are! We've been looking everywhere for you!" Phil's expression quickly changed from annoyed to worried once he got a good look at Wilbur. "You alright mate?" Wilbur gained is composure almost expertly and plastered on a big nonchalant smile on his face. "Of course! I was just talking to my great friend uhh" I rolled my eyes and sighed before walking inside.

Wilbur was a great singer in a great band until a drug scandal happened which landed two of his band mates in prison and one of them in a coma. He was the only one who got away without being reprimanded. He quit music shortly after the comatose band mate was declared brain dead. He's stayed mostly out of the public eye ever since. This is everything I got from reading his Wikipedia page.

Going on social media there's plenty of people who pity him and others who thinks he should've been incarcerated too. Apparently there wasn't enough evidence to put him in the crime scene at the time when it happened, but there was some.
The brain dead band mate was taken off lifesupport a year after the declaration. The imprisoned ones won't be out until next year.

All of this information gave me very mixed feelings towards Wilbur. On the one hand I hate him for abandoning me, on the other hand, nobody deserves to go through what either of us have gone through.

So I walked up to the closed off balcony and waited. He appeared through the door less than five minutes later.

"I looked you up on the internet" He tensed completely before gaining his composure with practiced precision. "Really? What did you find?" I side eyed him before looking back towards the city. "Two imprisoned band mates and one dead one, must've been very hard to deal with". He couldn't quite regain his composure this time. "Yeah, but I manage". I saw a chance and took it. "How?" I took a drag of my cigarette while he was in deep thought.

"Honestly the only reason I'm still going is because of my family. If it weren't for my parents always checking up on me or Tommy always keeping me busy I probably would've died a long time ago... and then there's Fundy, my daughter, just the thought that she's out there, that I could see her again, I-I... I've been trying to find her for a while now, I just wanna see what an amazing woman she's become"

Those are the words I longed for all those years ago. Knowing that my father wanted to see me would've meant the world to me, but I've changed. I'm not a little girl anymore, I'm a grown ass man. But despite the changes, despite everything those words still made my heart swell.

The sound of an all to familiar melody made it's way into my ears before I could say anything. I looked down and saw the locket, it was all fixed up. Wilbur let a single tear roll down his cheek while he smiled sweetly at the locket.

"I made this for her when she was just a baby, she loved it so much. I was walking with Tommy once, I heard the melody and I just felt so happy because I thought she'd be close by, but when I got to where the song was coming from I saw smashed it on the ground. I'll often keep myself up at night wondering what happened to it" He smiled at me, a sickly sweet smile, like a combination of syrup, honey and molasses. He spoke so softly and held the locket so gently. How dare this bastard say these thing when he was the one who abandoned me!?

"I don't know what it is about that makes me tell you all these personal things, but it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't have any involvement you know... what's your name by the way?" I threw my cigarette butt from the balcony before lighting up a new one.

"Quackity hasn't told you?"

"People around here seem to avoid talking about you"

"...The name's Fundy" He looked at me for a long time before awkwardly laughing. "Okay I get it now, nobody talks about you cause you're a massive dick!"

"Nope, they don't talk about me to my family because I don't want anything to do with you" I could practically hear his heart beat faster. "...what?"

"Yeah! It's me, Fundy, the child you abandoned!"

"...what!? What the fuck is wrong with you!?!? Fundy isn't- she's not... no!"

"Mom killed herself when I was 9 and I ended up in an orphanage before running away at 14 to find you! And when I did I see you being all happy with some blonde kid!! I destroyed the necklace and ran away to an empty street where I overdosed on some drugs, Quackity found me and took me to the hospital and him, Sapnap and Karl have been taking care of me ever since!!!" It felt great to finally get to speak my mind, to yell it out loud to my so called father. I felt little to no remorse when I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"You said you wanted to see the kind of woman I'd become, but guess what? I'm a man now! Fuck you and the rest of your family and stay the fuck away from me!" I pushed my index finger hard into his chest in a way I knew was painful. Before me stood a broken man, any progress he may have made in life bled away with his tears.

"...how, why, I thought you were safe!! I thought you'd be happy and thriving!!! I-I I didn't know!.... I'm sorry". The sorrow and pain in his voice clawed at my heart.

The remorse came flooding back. I regretted making such a broken man, who was clearly holding on by a thread, lose that thread. I pitied him, I pitied the people around him, because they would have to deal with the consequences. The mix of emotions was overwhelming, my brain got fuzzy and I had a million thoughts crossing my mind all at once.

So I did what I always do... I ran, because even after all these years I'm still a coward. I ran down the hall and beelined for the elevator. I somehow made it to bed, where I cried myself to sleep. Because that's what I do, I run and I cry. Like a pathetic little coward.

The next day of work was miserable. Why? Because Tommy (the blonde kid apparently) assaulted me while I was on my break. This 14 year old kid broke my fucking nose. Little shit made me drop my turkey sandwich.

"What the fuck did you do to Wilbur!??!!!" One thing was clear, this kid DESPISED me. The absolute disgust and hatred in his voice was earthshaking. "I don't know what you're talking about" It's surprisingly hard to sound serious when you're in pain and holding your nose. "He was fine! He's been fine for 3 years now and you ruined it!!"

How does he know it was me? Why wouldn't Wilbur just tell him what I said? "He just lays in bed now while listening to his locket music or whatever!" The tears started to well up in his eyes. I looked away at that, big mistake. He was going in for a kick before Phil caught him.

"Tommy what the fuck are you doing!??!?" Phil was standing between us, he held onto Tommy's arms and stared up at him sternly. "He's the reason Wilbur is depressed again!!!!" The sting of guilt felt like thousands of wasps surrounding my stomach. "Look he's clearly guilty!!" How is this 14 year old boy so loud and tall? It hurts my ears.

Things quickly devolved into a screaming match between the two. Tommy was screeching about me being the fucking devil while Phil told him to stop randomly assaulting people. So he's just guessing that I hurt Wilbur... interesting. Phil quickly apologized for his son's behavior (the kid is my uncle????) And tried to drag Tommy away.

I said nothing, I just stared at them as they left. The pungent feeling of guilt ever present in my throat and a spark of everlasting hatred burning at my soul as it has for so many years. Yet the flame is becoming smaller.

My nose hurt like shit though.