Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

a lesbian, 3 gays and 3 bisexuals walk into a bar…

trashmouth: yo anyone wanna binge watch buzzfeed unsolved with me

the angry spaghetti man: ME

big boy billiam: that was a quick response eddie… are you so eager because you want to spend time with richie or because you want to lust over ryan bergara?

the angry spaghetti man: leave me alone BILL

the angry spaghetti man: don’t act like i haven’t caught you making eyes at shane

trashmouth: whoa who would’ve thought it would get so juicy in here at only 8 in the morning

trashmouth: this is like watching two cats fight

trashmouth: i am EXTREMELY entertained

marshmallow: rich you pretend to be horny at the ghost “evidence” there’s no room for you to act like this

big boy billiam: I

the angry spaghetti man: DISGUSTING

trashmouth: BETRAYAL. THAT WAS IN CONFIDENCE

the angry spaghetti man: and the evidence in quotation marks… i’m disappointed in you bev

the angry spaghetti man: DIRTY SHANIAC

marshmallow: and proud! little pissbaby boogara

the angry spaghetti man: FUCK YOU BEV

bird bitch: it is way too early for any of this.

michael with a b: ok but can we go back to richie getting horny over ghosts for a moment because… what the fuck

the angry spaghetti man: please i’d rather not

trashmouth: that old city jail fba got me WET

the angry spaghetti man: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

big boy billiam: someone gotta kick this fucker from the chat

[trashmouth has been removed from the chat]

marshmallow: OUR LORD AND SAVIOR

big boy billiam: whoever did that deserves a kiss

michael with a b: :)

big boy billiam: michael hanlon you are the light of my life

michael with a b: and you are the light of mine!

marshmallow: …this gay shit gotta go

benjamin button: what have i walked into

the angry spaghetti man: hell

trashmouth & the angry spaghetti man

trashmouth: add me back

the angry spaghetti man: no

trashmouth: ADD ME BACK

the angry spaghetti man: NO

trashmouth: ADD. ME. BACK.

the angry spaghetti man: NO.

trashmouth: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

the angry spaghetti man: YOUR CRIMES DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED

trashmouth: eds :(

the angry spaghetti man: don’t call me that

trashmouth: but it’s cute!

trashmouth: and you love it don’t lie

the angry spaghetti man: both of those statements are categorically untrue

chaotic good bisexual & chaotic evil gay

chaotic evil gay: i am a liar

chaotic good bisexual: ?

trashmouth & the angry spaghetti man 

trashmouth: please i don’t understand big words

the angry spaghetti man: you are perhaps the most annoying person i have ever met

a lesbian, 3 gays and 3 bisexuals walk into a bar…

[trashmouth has been added to the chat]

trashmouth: HEY THERE DEMONS ITS ME YA BOI

bird bitch: …okay who did he annoy into it this time

marshmallow: eddie

big boy billiam: eddie

michael with a b: eddie

benjamin button: eddie

the angry spaghetti man: i will neither confirm nor deny

michael with a b: it’s always eddie

trashmouth: hey have you seen namjoon’s pics with gq and vogue on his ig

trashmouth: I WANT HIM

marshmallow: DO YOU EVER REST

trashmouth: I CANT HELP IT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MAN

the angry spaghetti man: have YOU seen YOONGI’S

big boy billiam: ok ok don’t forget about taehyung’s like this

michael with a b: let’s NOT start a war like last time

the angry spaghetti man: AS IF YOU DIDNT DEFEND JIN TO THE DEATH

michael with a b: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

benjamin button: this has devolved so quickly

benjamin button: but i’m gonna put my vote in and say we should take a moment to talk about jimin

marshmallow: STOP SLEEPING ON HOSEOK

bird bitch: you’re all insane

marshmallow: you are no better stanley uris. you fell asleep last night with jungkook’s ig page open whilst listening to euphoria on repeat.

trashmouth: LMAOOOOOO

bird bitch: BEV I’LL STRANGLE YOU

benjamin button: you guys had a sleepover? could’ve at least had the decency to invite me smh

marshmallow: aww benny we’ll invite you next time

trashmouth: there better not be a next time without ME

bird bitch: yeah, you’re not invited

trashmouth: STANIEL? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

the angry spaghetti man: richie stop using that line please we’re getting tired

big boy billiam: ok but in your case iTSIFUKR FINEEBGGUDIK

trashmouth: HUH

benjamin button: what just happened

bird bitch: i think bill just died

marshmallow: rip

michael with a b: eddie just jumped on him haha

big boy billiam: STOP LAUGHING AT MY PAIN MICHAEL

michael with a b: no <3

benjamin button: what have i gotta do for anyone to hang out with me ?!

trashmouth: i’ll hang out with you ben!

benjamin button: not you.

trashmouth: benjamin i hope you know you’re my archnemesis.

big boy billiam: EDDIE IS A MENACE

marshmallow: what was bill even typing though for eddie to jump on them

bird bitch: i have an idea

big boy billiam: SOMEONE HELP ME

marshmallow: TEXT ME RN CURLY

trashmouth: GUYS? WHAT ABOUT ME

bird bitch: hmmm…

bird bitch: NO

trashmouth: WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME

big boy billiam: CAN WE PLS TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT EDDIE IS BITING ME

bev & curly 

curly: i bet he was gonna say something about eddie loving richie

bev: FUCK YOU’RE RIGHT WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THAT

curly: you’re simply not a genius like me

bev: you are a dead person walking stanley uris

a lesbian, 3 gays and 3 bisexuals walk into a bar…

the angry spaghetti man: william denbrough is a traitor

big boy billiam: at least i’m not a little bitch

trashmouth: HELLO?

marshmallow: IM PISSING MYSELF

trashmouth: don’t talk about my eds like that billiam

michael with a b: rich don’t say that you’re gonna make eddie gay panic

the angry spaghetti man: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH MICHAEL

michael with a b: payback for attacking my boyfriend

the angry spaghetti man: your boyfriend DESERVED it

benjamin button: i think we as a society are sleeping on the fact that So Far Away (SUGA, 진, 정국 Ver.) exists

benjamin button: not the time? i’ll MAKE the time

big boy billiam: ben as much as i love to talk about bts i am FIGHTING for my life rn

trashmouth: why would that make eddie gay panic???

marshmallow: you are an idiot

trashmouth: RICHIE SLANDER FOR WHAT?

bird bitch: richie slander is the air i breathe and the water i survive on

trashmouth: forget ben being my archnemesis, stanley uris you are now at the top of my hit list

bird bitch: good luck :)

the angry spaghetti man: why is that so OMINOUS

michael with a b: who let stan become so unhinged

marshmallow: okay but to be fair if richie threatened to kill me i wouldn’t be too worried either

trashmouth: hello. my name is richie tozier. you killed my father. prepare to die.

big boy billiam: why are you quoting the PRINCESS BRIDE

benjamin button: the princess bride does not deserve this kind of hate

big boy billiam: i’m not HATING i just don’t understand why richie chose this moment to quote it

marshmallow: PRINCESS BRIDE REWATCH AT MOVIE NIGHT THIS WEEK VOTE NOW

benjamin button: 👍

michael with a b: 👍

the angry spaghetti man: 👍

trashmouth: 👍

bird bitch: 👍

big boy billiam: …

big boy billiam: 👍

trashmouth: HATER

big boy billiam: I THUMBSED UP YOU DICK

trashmouth: eds come over to watch bfu?

the angry spaghetti man: i WOULD if bill would LET GO OF ME

the angry spaghetti man: how is she so strong she’s built like a twig

the angry spaghetti man: AND DONT CALL ME THAT

big boy billiam: RUDE

marshmallow: bill let go of him for my sanity pls richie won’t stop texting me

trashmouth: you LOVE it when i text you bev

marshmallow: no i do not

big boy billiam: i guess i’ll do it for you bev

the angry spaghetti man: coming now :)

marshmallow: …i’m gonna refrain from doing what richie normally would

Chapter Text

a lesbian, 3 gays and 3 bisexuals walk into a bar…

trashmouth: can one of you ask me out and then break up with me so i can listen to taylor swift’s entire discography and cry

marshmallow: are you okay rich

trashmouth: mike and bill are flaunting their relationship in my face

marshmallow: …okay he’s fine

benjamin button: how is that gonna help you feel any better

trashmouth: i do not want to feel better i want to feel WORSE

bird bitch: there is something extremely wrong with you

trashmouth: thank you :)

bird bitch: not a compliment.

trashmouth: oh i know

trashmouth: but it may be the best i’ll ever get from you

the angry spaghetti man: hey rich is the taylor swift listening party open invite

trashmouth: it’s always open invite for you my dear eds

the angry spaghetti man: die.

the angry spaghetti man: i’m on my way

trashmouth: :)

big boy billiam: gay people are so annoying

trashmouth: you are the exact homosexual reason i’m suffering right now

big boy billiam: would you rather i be straight?

trashmouth: I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN

trashmouth: i’m gonna cover my ears and start singing

trashmouth: la la la la la la LA LA LA LA LA LA

marshmallow: you are so dramatic

bird bitch: that is not new information to any of us

trashmouth: MY EDS IS HERE

big boy billiam: good. now please shut up

[ a few hours later… ]

the angry spaghetti man: richie is currently listening to exile and crying

the angry spaghetti man: [picture]

trashmouth: you don’t UNDERSTAND

trashmouth: it took her FIVE WHOLE MINUTES to pack them up and LEAVE HIM WITH IT

trashmouth: she’s not his HOMELAND ANYMORE. SO WHAT IS HE DEFENDING NOW???

trashmouth: HE THINKS HES SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE

trashmouth: she can see him STARING LIKE HES HIS UNDERSTUDY

trashmouth: LIKE HED GET HIS KNUCKLES BLOODY FOR HER

trashmouth: THEY ALWAYS WALKED A VERY THIN LINE

the angry spaghetti man: …he’s having a mental breakdown

marshmallow: i think we now understand plenty

trashmouth: FUCK YOU BEV YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND

the angry spaghetti man: he’s emotional pls ignore him

benjamin button: at least you only have evermore left i guess?

the angry spaghetti man: that is where you’d be wrong… he insisted on listening to fearless tv and red tv last

marshmallow: LOL

marshmallow: you’re gonna have fun listening to all too well 10 minute version

the angry spaghetti man: DONT REMIND ME IM ALREADY IN DISTRESS

the three musketeers

trashmouth: so.

trashmouth: i fucked up.

chaotic good bisexual & chaotic evil gay

chaotic evil gay: HELP ME

Chapter Text

the sane ones

mr president: YALL SEEN THIS SHIT?

stanley tucci: richie has apparently "fucked up"

sir bedivere: oh god

benjimin: what have they done now

michaelmas: should we be scared

mr president: mr tucci and i will keep you updated

stanley tucci: IS THAT STILL MY NAME IN YOUR PHONE?

mr president: ...no

stanley tucci: i hate you.

chaotic good bisexual & chaotic evil gay

chaotic good bisexual: okay what the hell has happened now

chaotic good bisexual: should i get popcorn?

chaotic evil gay: bill i'm in a CRISIS it is not time for POPCORN

chaotic good bisexual: if you don't tell me what your "crisis" is right now i'm going to get popcorn and you can't stop me

chaotic evil gay: i uh i

chaotic evil gay: GAY PANIC

chaotic good bisexual: what???

chaotic good bisexual: i am so done with you

the sane ones

mr president: why does eddie always have to come to me with his gay crises i'm not emotionally equipped to deal with this

mr president: he is IMPOSSIBLE

michaelmas: babe i do not envy you

chaotic good bisexual & chaotic evil gay

chaotic evil gay: BILL COME BACK

chaotic evil gay: THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE POPCORN

chaotic evil gay: WILLIAM DENBROUGH.

chaotic evil gay: you can have the popcorn just please come back :(

chaotic evil gay: RICHIE KISSED ME

chaotic good bisexual: WHAT??????

chaotic good bisexual: IM HERE IM HERE

chaotic good bisexual: omg finally

chaotic evil gay: what do you mean FINALLY???

chaotic good bisexual: well uh you see

chaotic good bisexual: never mind that doesn't matter tell me EVERYTHING

chaotic evil gay: bill

chaotic evil gay: please

chaotic evil gay: i'm freaking out

chaotic evil gay: what does this mean

chaotic good bisexual: i'm coming over

the sane ones

mr president: why can these two not just COMMUNICATE

mr president: i'm heading to eddie's rn i'll catch you all up later

benjimin: what's going on!!!

the three musketeers

marshmallow: what happened rich?

trashmouth: i'm an idiot

trashmouth: this is the worst day of my life

trashmouth: i kissed him bev. i kissed him and he RAN AWAY.

trashmouth: was it really that terrible? does he hate me that much?

bird bitch: rich...

trashmouth: don't, stan. just don't.

trashmouth: i don't even wanna talk about this i don't know why i texted

trashmouth: i'm just gonna go wallow in my misery

trashmouth: and now i can't even listen to my sad taylor swift playlist without thinking of him

curly & bev

bev: IM GOING TO BEAT A BITCH UP

curly: bev please don't do anything rash

curly: we don't even know how eddie is feeling in this situation

bev: i know i know. and i know he's our friend too but...

bev: i just don't like thinking of richie upset. you know how down he gets

curly: yeah i know.

curly: he obviously doesn't want to talk to us right now though, and i don't want to push it.

bev: i hate when you're right

the sane ones

stanley tucci: short of it is: richie kissed eddie, eddie ran away, richie is upset and situation on eddie is unknown (bill?)

michaelmas: oh.

benjimin: damn

stanley tucci: yeah. oh.

stanley tucci: bev is pissed

sir bedivere: listen if they don't sort this shit out soon shortstack is gonna have a fist coming his way

mr president: bev. don't.

sir bedivere: oh come on bill

sir bedivere: if you knew how richie was right now you'd say the same

mr president: so you're telling me i'd threaten to punch my best friend, is that what you're saying

sir bedivere: well you had no problem actually punching richie a few years ago so whats the goddamn difference bill

mr president: jesus bev do you really have to bring that up

sir bedivere: i will for as long as you continue acting like you're a fucking saint

benjimin: guys cmon do we really have to do this. this is so off topic

mr president: i'm not trying to act like a saint. i just don't understand how you can be so sympathetic towards richie when he's vulnerable but extend nothing of the same sort towards eddie as well? and i get it, i do. richie's your best friend, but it's like you can never take a single second to think about the rest of us and instead you neglect our feelings all the time. sometimes you act like we're not even your friends.

sir bedivere: i'm sorry bill but if richie's feeling that way i'm not gonna pretend that i'm not worried about him more than eddie. we all look out for each other, but you look after eddie and stan and i look after richie. that's the way it's always been. and that doesn't mean i don't care about eddie so don't you dare try and twist my words

michaelmas: please do not do this right now.

mr president: that's the thing bev. i've never once seen an instance where it seems you've cared about eddie.

sir bedivere: oh go to hell bill. i could just as easily say the same with you for richie

mr president: i was friends with richie for YEARS before you ever came along. you don't know what the hell you're talking about. it doesn't even seem like you care about richie much either, it doesn't sound like you've tried to comfort him AT ALL, you've just jumped to conclusions and got angry like you always do

stanley tucci: STOP IT, okay?

stanley tucci: both eddie AND richie need our support right now. i wish it hadn't come to this but instead of this stupid squabbling that isn't going to help anything, how about you actually go and make sure they're alright?

sir bedivere: whatever. i'm done.

mr president: yeah fuck right off. i don't give a shit.

taejinmin

michaelmas: bill that was extremely uncalled for

benjimin: can you two please just try and get on

mr president: when she stops acting so aggressive and inflammatory maybe

mr president: i don't get what her problem is

michaelmas: bill you know she's just protective over richie, especially after he's been hurt before

mr president: that doesn't give her the right to threaten eddie as if he's not her friend too

benjimin: how's eddie doing?

mr president: not good. i think he's just confused and also beating himself up over running away

mr president: he is currently watching a series of unfortunate events on netflix. not sure whether this is a good or bad sign

mr president: (i know you're partially saying that to change the subject but i will allow it just this once benjamin)

benjimin: (i wasn't particularly trying to hide it william)

michaelmas: at least it's not stranger things

benjimin: oh god remember when he made us all watch season 3 with him and he would just stare at mike every time he was on screen

michaelmas: and richie was doing everything in his power to get eddie's attention because he was jealous? yeah they're idiots

mr president: eddie's glaring at me for not watching with him and threatening to confiscate my phone, if he ever reads any of this i think he'll kill me

benjimin: go watch netflix with him bill! we can cope without you

michaelmas: he can only go for a couple hours without talking to us you know that ben

benjimin: they can only go for a couple hours without talking to YOU more like. i can never get a break from your guys' gross couple shit

michaelmas: don't lump me in with bill i'm not the bad one!!!

benjimin: you're a COUPLE of course i'm gonna lump you in together

benjimin: and don't act like the amount of times i've had to experience you calling her babe isn't seared into my brain forever michael

mr president: okay that is enough of THAT

mr president: have fun entertaining yourselves for a few hours