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Lily wakes with a jump, hyperventilating and covered in a cold sweat.
She took stock of her surroundings. Her lumpy mattress, her sheets tangled around her, the dull throb in her head. She was home, in her cheap Muggle apartment in East London.
Lily let out a loud sigh and swung her legs down, touching the old carpet. She pulled herself up, grabbed her wand, and dragged herself to the kitchen, ignoring how the clock said it was four in the morning.
Somedays, she wondered what it would be like to not be in the middle of a war or if she was a Muggle. She’d be in uni right now, Lily knew. Probably with a large group of friends that weren’t dwindling in numbers by the day. She supposed she’d probably have a boyfriend, too, someone funny and bright and makes all her cares melt away.
Well, she could have had that now, she thinks until the crushing realization that actually, she wouldn’t have that now.
Because James was gone.
Two months. He had been missing for two months. He would have been declared dead by now, but Sirius in all his anger refused.
“Show me a body! Then, I’ll declare him dead,” Sirius had spat in Dumbledore’s face.
Lily filled her kettle and placed it on the stove before sinking down to the cold kitchen floor, placing her head between her knees.
Sometimes, her dreams had taken her back to the moment she lost him. A clearing in the countryside, curses whizzing around like mad throughout the air, the Dark Mark bright in the sky. Lily could feel the ghost of the memory of James squeezing her hand, right before they parted. It was normally a renewal of their promise, at least that is what it meant to Lily.
He broke their promise that day.
It was a stupid fucking promise. One that makes Lily almost double over in regret when she thinks about it.
At 18, Lily had thought there was no way love could bloom in the middle of a war. She thought that it would be a way of protecting each other, that way if something did happen, it wouldn’t hurt as much.
At 21, she realised that love didn’t bloom for her, it settled roots. Roots that grew strong in every nook and cranny, wrapping them around everything, covering her from the inside out.
And it certainly didn’t hurt less. In fact, it hurt worse.
When she closed her eyes, Lily almost see James’s brown eyes glowing in the sunset on the beach of the black lake as they graduated Hogwarts and made the promise. She could his warm cheek in her hand when he leaned into it, nodding reluctantly at her words.
“I don’t want them to use you against me,” Lily had said. “Or use me against you.”
“When this is over,” James had whispered, grabbing her wrist and pressing a kiss to the palm of her hand. “I’ll meet you right back here, okay?”
It hurt worse because the little time they had together was now wasted.
But those dreams of her last moments with him were nothing compared to the hurt of things that hadn’t happened.
Sometimes she wouldn’t see him, but she could feel or hear him. A hand on her back, the echo of his laugh. Other times, she would be back a Hogwarts, and James would just be there, in her orbit while the weird things that dreams do happen around them.
Other times, they were face to face, a warm smile on his face with hands holding her face there, James whispering that he loved her and she would say it back.
Those were the dreams that made Lily sob until her throat was sore and made her never want to sleep again.
Lily counted her breaths, trying to steady herself. She fisted her shirt, no his shirt that she had stolen from her and Sirius’s week of locking themselves in James’s room, willing him to come while Dumbledore refused to let them search for James.
Remus had returned from his mission to Sirius laying on James’s floor, listening to James’s favourite record, while Lily was on James’s bed, sobbing into his pillow. Remus didn’t even need words to understand. Instead, he had laid next to Lily, eyes shining.
Lily had made it with a lot of his clothes. Somethings were in boxes with strong preservation charms and moth repellents; like his old Gryffindor clothes and his favorite jumper. Others she wore, hoping they would give her some sort of comfort.
They were looking, Lily didn’t know if she would ever stop, but it came in waves for her. One week, it was like she couldn’t bear to do anything but look. Other weeks, it was like her grief immobilised her.
The kettle started to whistle, making Lily push herself up on unsteady legs and move it with a flick of her wand. She opened her bare cabinets and looked at her two tea options, earl grey or English breakfast.
She sighed deeply, grabbing the earl grey. She reached for her favourite mug, filling it until there was just enough space at the top that she didn’t have to worry about it sloshing everywhere.
She set her mug down on her stained coffee table before going to her old cassette player. It was already loaded; there hadn’t been in new tape in there for almost three months now. She ran her hands over the buttons, remembering that James had been the only other person to touch these.
She pressed, the satisfying clicks easing her a bit.
“Don't wish it away…Don't look at it like it's forever…Between you and me I can honestly say…That things will only get better.”
She flopped down on her lumpy couch, head resting on the arm of the couch. She grabbed her tea and took a sip, not caring that her tongue burned.
James loved Elton John. The cassette was a mixtape of his favorite Elton John songs that Sirius had made him for his birthday. He had left it there the last time he visited.
She listened to it often now, in times when she couldn’t sleep. It was like creating a safe space for herself deep in her memories. Of James twirling her around her cramped living room, only to pull her back to whisper the lyrics into her ear.
“And I guess that's why they call it the blues…Time on my hands should be time spent with you…Laughing like children, living like lovers…Rolling like thunder under the covers…And I guess that's why they call it the blues.”
How hard would it have been to kiss him then? Or just tell him that she loved him?
Those were only for her dreams now.
Lily took another sip. There were footsteps in the hallway she could hear over the soft music. Her Muggle neighbours often came and went at odd hours.
“Wait on me girl…Cry in the night if it helps…But more than ever I simply love you…More than I love life itself.”
A knock on Lily’s door jarred her, making her spill a little tea.
Fear gripped her as she quickly shot a spell at the cassette player, willing it to stop. She held her breath, waiting to see if maybe it was actually her neighbour’s door that was getting knocked on.
A few ticks later, there was another knock on her door.
Slowly, she sat up, soundlessly placing her mug back on the coffee table and raising to her feet. She pushed her long hair behind her shoulders as she quickly padded across the floor, avoiding the areas that she knew creaked even though her silencing charm was still up.
She ran through a list of people of who it could be, every friendly face she could think of have sent a Patronus over before they came. A death eater would have just blown the door open and walked right in.
There was another knock just as she stood at the door, two interruptions visible in the crack between the door and floor. She gripped her wand tightly in her right hand as her left reached the knob. Lily cast a protection spell right before she pulled the door open and—
No.
No.
James was standing there, leaning against the frame, like he couldn’t stand on his own. That wasn’t James, covered in dirt and ashes, dried blood down the side of his face with glasses crooked on his face.
All the breath was knocked out of her but she stayed standing, her wand pointed directly at him. She couldn’t control the tears that sprung into the corners of her eyes, but she kept her eyes still and stared at the imposter before her.
The imposter went to speak, but Lily shot a disarming spell and then a body bind, forcing them to unable to move. Before the stiff imposter could fall flat on their face, Lily quickly cast a levitating charm on them, keeping them upright.
She pulled them into her flat, not wanting Muggles to get hurt or see. She shut her door and flipped on the switch on the wall, bathing the room in a warm yellow glow as she floated the imposter against the wall.
No wand flew out when she disarmed him, but she still kept her distance. She knew she would have to check their person but the thought of doing it while this person was polyjuiced as James was too much. She had to blink back more tears as they welled up the longer she looked at his face. Her chest felt like it was getting tighter and tighter.
Lily knew she needed to alert The Order, but she felt just as paralyzed as the imposter.
“I’m going to ask you this once…” Lily’s voice shook. “Who are you?”
James’s brown eyes blinked—no, the imposter’s eyes blinked at her in response. Lily swished her wand, canceling the floating charm before rapidly undoing the body bind. The imposter fell to their knees and doubled over, coughing before Lily sent ropes to wrap around their arms and legs.
“Lily, it’s me.”
His voice cut her right through her because it was the voice she had only heard in her dreams for the last two months. The dangerous feeling of hope started in her chest, taking all the room that she needed to breathe.
For a minute, she almost lowered her wand. For a minute, she forgot that there was even a war.
“My question,” James said. “Ask me a question”
It took her a second to find her voice.
“What’s James’s favorite flower?” she asked.
“Corncockle,” he replied, easily.
She remembered his mother's laugh, the first time she had the late Euphemia, telling her that James would ruin her corncockle bush on the side of their cottage to impress a Muggle girl that lived down the lane. It was even funnier when James had returned and handed Lily a flower from that same bush, a shy smile on his face.
That flower was still pressed in between the pages of her old arthimacy textbook.
Lily sank to her knees, tears rolling down her cheeks. The rope charm canceled and James caught himself by his hands before he face-planted into the floor.
She didn’t know if she crawled to him, or he did, but soon Lily was sobbing into his neck, her arms wrapped tightly around him, whispering that he was alive.
At moments, she thought that this maybe was a dream because that’s what it felt like. It felt surreal to feel his hands gently rubbing her back, to hear his own soft sobs in her ear, to feel him cling onto her.
It was a dream, then she hoped she didn’t wake up.
“Where have you been?” she sobbed into his neck, wrapping her legs around him as they sat on the floor. “How are you alive?”
It took a few seconds for James to find his ability to speak.
“I—Regulus—,” he managed to get out. “Voldemort’s gone. It’s over, Lils.”
She pulled away, moving to look at his face, tear tracks showing just how much grime he was covered in. She didn’t care as she cupped his face.
“What?”
“R-Regulus broke me out of where they were holding me,” he stumbled over the name. “He told me that he knew how to kill Voldemort but he needed help. We did it.”
Just then, a slivery glow burst appeared in her living room, a big mastiff dog. Sirius.
“Lily. Hogwarts NOW! Dumbledore said Voldemort is gone,” Sirius's voice said before dissipating.
“I just needed to see you,” James whispered, his head resting on her shoulder. “I needed to know you made it out of this.”
Lily decided Hogwarts and The Order could wait. They could all wait.
Lily thought the sun now shone a little brighter. The world certainly felt warmer than the typical chilly April surrounding her as she stood on the shores of the Black Lake.
Maybe the warmth was coming from the person beside her. James, his arms wrapped around her, her back against his chest.
James had explained what happened. He had been stunned on the battlefield and then woke up in some dingy cell. He was tortured, a bit of cruico but the most damning evidence was Snape’s signature severing curse, small marks up and down his back that only got healed when he was on the brink of bleeding to death. James thinks he was only in captivity for a few days before Regulus broke him out.
Regulus and James had spent a month and a half destroying the Horcruxes. Regulus had died killing the final one, the nasty little snake Nagini. And then James killed Voldemort.
There was still work to be done. Death Eaters that needed to be rounded up, having proper funerals for those they lost, and rebuilding the ministry.
But Lily decided there were more important things to focus on. She would help, of course. But her priority was her friends and family. And more importantly, making up for lost time with the love of her life.
“James,” she whispered, getting his attention. He hummed in acknowledgment, but stayed behind her, swaying them gently side to side. “I think there’s something you need to do.”
It had been the first time since he came to her apartment that they were alone, and while she loved Sirius and Remus, this was something she didn’t want to do in their company. Especially if ended in the way she wanted it to.
It took him a second before she heard his breath catch.
“Ah, the promise?” he asked, his voice low in her ear.
She turned around, pressing them chest to chest. She cupped his face in her hands, her thumbs brushing across his jawline and the prickly stubble that was dusted there.
Warm brown eyes met hers before he bent down and pressed their foreheads together. She threw her arms around his neck and closed her eyes, relishing the way she could feel his breath against her. Alive, she reminded herself.
“I don’t want to waste any more time,” Lily whispered. She tried not to think about the wasted time and wanted to focus on the future. James and her’s future.
“I love you, Lily,” James said, his voice full of emotion. “I love you. I’ve loved you the whole time.”
“I love you, James,” Lily replied. “So much.”
As James pressed his lips to hers for the first time, she felt like she bloomed.