Archive of Our Own

If I could trade mistakes for sheep

Count me away before you sleep

Soobin feels starved for affection. It’s a lonely, ugly feeling that festers in his chest, and the worst part about it is that he knows exactly why it’s there. 

2 weeks ago manager-nim had enrolled Soobin in a late-night English course over Zoom, claiming that as the leader his English needed to be more perfect than the other members’. Additionally, Soobin had been finding himself sitting in on after-hours corporate meetings more and more often, listening to what the higher ups of Bighit had in store for his group. These two things had moved his already late bedtime up 3 hours, meaning that he was only finally falling into bed around 4 o’clock in the morning. 

The first few nights he slipped in with Yeonjun as he typically would, curling around his hyung and giving him a kiss to apologize for waking him up. After a week, though, Yeonjun had become bleary eyed and sleep deprived from being woken up in the middle of the night. From that day forward Soobin slept in the second bed in their shared bedroom, alone. 

To be clear, Soobin and Yeonjun’s room has two beds, one slightly larger than the other. They sleep in the big bed, and their manager is used to walking into the room at 9am and seeing them both snuggled close to one another. The other bed is for “appearances”, like dorm vlogs, and for if one of them got sick. Or for situations like this.

The problem is, Soobin thrives off of late night cuddles, and forehead kisses, and other assorted sleepytime affection. He didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but now that 2 weeks have passed it feels like absolute hell on earth.

To make matters worse, Yeonjun has been acting... “funny” recently. When all five of them are in the car on the way to a schedule, Yeonjun doesn’t sit next to Soobin anymore. He’s used to early-morning cuddles and raccoon videos watched together in the car, but all of a sudden Soobin finds himself sitting next to Taehyun, or Beomgyu, or Kai. 

Yeonjun has been shying away from fanservice too. He’s never done this before, not even when he had first fallen for his leader 7 months prior and tried to hide from the feelings. When they’re on camera Soobin finds himself messing around with other members more often, because Yeonjun hasn’t initiated or reacted to any of his leader’s flirtations. His confusion outweighs his hurt, because there’s absolutely no way to explain this sudden coldness.

Soobin doesn’t think too much of it though, because nothing is too weird so far. Yeonjun still smiles at him every time their eyes meet, and he still texts Soobin cute animal pictures and heart emojis whenever he has the chance. Things are just strained because Soobin is barely home, and when they’re working cameras watch their every move. 

Both boys know they’re very lucky to even be allowed to date at all. Txt’s main manager is aware of the secret, as well as all 3 other members, but nobody else is allowed to know. Soobin understands how much of a privilege it is, but sometimes he wonders what it would be like if he could just wave at the security camera in the practice room, plant a fat kiss on Yeonjun’s mouth, and not have to worry about losing his job the next day. He’s sure he wouldn’t feel so lonely if he were allowed to be affectionate at the company building.

The final straw in Soobin’s mind is when Yeonjun starts going out with friends, much more often than he did previously. They aren’t promoting right now, which gives him the spare time to hang out, but something about it pierces Soobin’s chest in a way he can’t quite explain.

He comes home one night, tuckered out from a difficult English lesson and ready to slip into bed. His recent habit has been to wrap himself in blankets burrito-style and let his mind drift to past nights, with Yeonjun’s warm arms wrapped around him and plush lips pressed to his neck. When he tiptoes into the bedroom, however, his hyung is nowhere to be found.

Soobin vaguely remembers Yeonjun mentioning that he was going over to visit his friends, but why is he out so late? He shoots a text over, asking where he is. In the meantime, Soobin wonders whether he should sleep in the big bed or not. If both of them are out late then there’s no danger of one waking the other up, right? He moves to get into bed, his and Yeonjun’s bed, mind you, but something stops him. 

Soobin feels uncomfortable. Something makes him feel like he shouldn’t. He ends up getting into the smaller bed, feeling a little confused and a little sad. He can’t place why he doesn’t feel like he belongs in the larger bed, despite having slept there with his hyung for almost a year.Yeonjun replies to the text with a single word. “Out.”

For the following week, Yeonjun is out with friends when Soobin gets home almost as often as he’s asleep at the dorms. The other members eventually get him to explain what he’s been doing, and Yeonjun explains that he has been going to Stray Kids’ dorm to visit with his various friends, who have been congregating there. His friend group is too large to keep track of, but Changbin, Hyunjin, and some members of Ateez are the boys he mentions this time. Stray Kids is on break and most of the members are at home with their families, so the dorm is mostly empty and the friends can hang out and drink without having to be stalked by sasaengs. 

Soobin still sleeps in the smaller bed even when Yeonjun isn’t home to occupy the larger one. He lies to himself, claiming that it’s because he doesn’t want Yeonjun to wake him up with his drunken stumbling, but Soobin knows that’s not the real reason. He feels unwelcome in the larger bed, like he doesn’t really belong there. The feeling is almost as ugly as the green, envious monster that’s been growing in his chest. He hates that Yeonjun’s friends get this much attention, but he hates even more that he feels so jealous.

Days pass where Yeonjun and Soobin only see each other at the company building or asleep, and it tears the younger to shreds. He often has hours “off” in the afternoons, meant to be for studying English and doing homework- Soobin could go anywhere in the building to study, and he sometimes feels the urge to go into Yeonjun’s studio and just ask if he can sit with his hyung and work there. Yeonjun’s studio is a very special place, due to the fact that the cctv camera in there is broken but nobody from the company has noticed even after months. What fun that would be, cuddling on the couch while Soobin studies grammar patterns and Yeonjun goes over song lyrics he’s writing, dipping down occasionally to kiss his leader on the cheek and correct an English mistake. Something always stops Soobin though, beyond the obvious “oh he’s probably busy”. It’s a cold feeling that flashes through him when he thinks of bothering Yeonjun, almost like looking down when standing somewhere high up. It’s a fearful feeling.

A night comes where Soobin’s tossing and turning in bed, too stressed and lonely to fall asleep. Yeonjun is nowhere to be seen, presumably out with friends again. The hole in Soobin’s chest is just so deep and hard to ignore, but his early schedules the next day demand immediate slumber. Maybe he would get to sleep if he got up and had a glass of water? But it’s late, and he’s lazy. He could watch some raccoon videos, but his phone screen is too bright and his eyes hurt from working on his computer all day. 

Soobin turns his attention to the larger bed, just barely illuminated by the moon. A “fuck it” moment passes and his legs are walking him over to it, pulling back the covers and settling into the mattress. It’s been almost a month and oh--

Everything smells like Yeonjun. The covers smell like Yeonjun, and the sheets, and the pillows... Soobin takes a pillow and rolls his face in it, surrounding himself in warm citrus, satsuma mixed with cinnamon, the scent of his hyung. The stress melts away, replaced entirely by heady warmth and fluffy feelings from head to toe. Soobin’s eyes grow heavy in mere seconds.

Unfortunately, this bliss doesn’t last. Soobin wakes up an hour later, hyperventilating and trembling all over. He had been having a nightmare but he doesn’t remember what it was; something about Yeonjun, maybe losing him.... 

He tries desperately to get his breathing in control, clamping a hand over his mouth frantically as he struggles to quiet himself. Anything to make sure he doesn’t wake Yeonjun, anything to keep this secret from him, anything to not bother him. He doesn’t even know if Yeonjun is back home yet, but the possibility is enough to draw out that cold fear now associated with his hyung. Soobin squeezes his eyes shut and tries to count his breaths, 7 seconds in, 7 seconds out, and his imagination supplies a set of soft kisses pressed to his cheeks, with strong arms wrapped tightly around him. Even so, the panic refuses to cease.

Soobin hears a rustling from across the room and his heart drops into his feet; he knows he’s woken his hyung up. He realizes offhandedly that this has, at some point, become his greatest fear. Yeonjun pads over and kneels next to the bed, ignoring Soobin’s frantic “I’m sorry hyung please go back bed I’m okay” and pulling him into a hug. He whispers the softest of reassurances into the younger’s hair, moving him over so he can get into bed as well. 

Yeonjun feels just as wonderful as before this living nightmare started, before Soobin began second-guessing his every move towards his hyung. He can’t even hear what Yeonjun’s whispering, the rushing of blood in his ears is too loud, but his heart sings at the thought that his hyung still wants to hold him like this. There’s a little alarm that goes off in his brain at this thought: When did Soobin start doubting that Yeonjun still wanted him? The notion must have wormed its way into his brain without him noticing. He sticks his face into his hyung’s neck and inhales deeply, savoring the moment and attempting to calm himself. Yeonjun smells different though, like alcohol and something that Soobin can’t quite place. He must have just gotten home from Changbin’s. 

When manager-nim wakes Soobin up the next day, Yeonjun is nowhere to be found. Apparently he had gotten up earlier and headed to the gym before the manager had even arrived at the dorms. For some reason this plants a funny feeling in Soobin’s stomach, the comforts of the previous night no longer feeling as if they really happened. Did they actually? Or was it all part of his dream? He’s left with the other 3 members, who are all in good moods because they have the day off from school. 

Soobin walks into the main area of the dorm, where Kai and Beomgyu are fighting over cereal. Taehyun, who is making coffee (and struggling), turns to say good morning. Soobin throws aside his apprehensions about Yeonjun and flops into a chair, barely flinching when Kai climbs onto him koala style for a cuddle. 

“You smell funny, hyung” he mutters, pausing to grab the cereal bowl from where Beomgyu has laid it, trying to pour himself a serving. Cereal pours all over the kitchen counter, much to Kai’s amusement. Beomgyu mutters in irritation, something along the line of “Next time ill use your face as the bowl” while Taehyun pads over with a mug of suspiciously brewed coffee. He hands it to Soobin and sticks his nose in the elder’s hair to assess Kai’s claim. “You know what Hueningie, he does.” 

Soobin snorts, shoving both of them off his lap and wrapping his hands around the mug as a new source of warmth. “I’m not a candle.” He takes a sip of the coffee, nose wrinkling when he realizes that Taehyun hasn’t done a very good job brewing it. “Probably I just smell like Yeonjun.”

Beomgyu narrows his eyes at his hyung. “I thought you two were temporarily divorced?” Taehyun throws the empty cereal box at his head as both Beomgyu and Kai erupt into giggles. “They’re sleeping in separate beds because they have different bedtimes, you idiot.”

Soobin doesn’t laugh with them. They’re just joking around but it doesn’t feel so funny to him. “That’s right, but last night he found his way into my bed. I was... studying so I didn’t mind.”

He gets up quickly and tries to leave the room, heading to the bathroom for a shower, but he doesn’t get very far. Beomgyu grabs the back of his shirt, jerking Soobin back and barely avoiding causing his coffee to spill. Now there’s a third nose stuck to the top of his head. 

“He does”, Beomgyu starts, sniffing loudly. “He smells familiar though.... Almost like-” He halts mid sentence, letting go of Soobin’s shirt and stepping back with an extremely poorly hidden expression of shock. If the elder had been more awake he would have commented on the dramatics of it. 

Instead, Soobin puts down his coffee and heads into the bathroom with a grumbled “when you figure out what candle brand I smell like, let me know and I’ll arrange a sponsorship.” Beomgyu turns to the others, confused and slightly pale.

“Hyunjin,” he murmurs as the bathroom door closes. “He smells just like Hyunjin.”

As the sound of running water begins to emanate from the bathroom, the three little ones sit on the floor in a circle whispering frantically about this bombshell news.

“Hyung, are you sure it was Hyunjin?”

“He’s one of my friends and he always wears too much of the same damn cologne. It’s definitely him.”

“Has Soobin hung out with Hyunjin recently?”

“I frankly don’t think they’ve met more than once.”

The three of them seem to come to a sort of conclusion, and they look at each other with slightly worried expressions as it clicks into place. Taehyun starts the sentence, Beomgyu continues, and Kai finishes. “Yeonjun slept in Soobin’s bed last night...” “...he went out with Changbin and Hyunjin earlier that night...” “...so Yeonjun smells like Hyunjin.”

They’re silent a moment, and then the arguing starts. 

“What if Yeonjun got a new cologne, and it’s the same one?”

“Or what if Hyunjin let him borrow his?”

“What if Beomgyu’s nose is biologically malfunctioning?”

Taehyun gets up off the floor and heads determinedly to the massive pile of laundry in the corner of the room. The others follow, catching on to the slightly gross idea, but Beomgyu pushes past to point at something resting on the top of the pile. It’s a navy blue t-shirt, with a Calvin Klein logo on the front.

“That’s Hyunjin’s shirt. It’s his favorite one, he wears it all the time.”

He picks it up and sniffs it, ignoring Kai’s mock-gagging in the back. “Smells like sweat and Hwang Hyunjin.”

Soobin doesn’t know what’s going on today, but every other member of his group is acting weird. Yeonjun is ignoring him, an occurrence that has grown customary but still makes Soobin uneasy. Beomgyu, Taehyun and Kai are also ignoring him, in favor of huddling together in a circle and whispering. It’s been 8 hours.

Even Yeonjun notices, raising his eyebrow as he enters the practice room to find the three with their foreheads together. He clears his throat to catch their attention and they split apart quickly, looking flustered and avoiding his eyes. Soobin is watching from the corner of the room, attempting to diagnose the situation. They had been strange this morning, ignoring him after he stepped out of the shower, and now they’re even worse. The five move into position to start practice, but Soobin can’t let the peculiarity leave his mind.

This is supposed to be a last minute practice, they have a big day tomorrow. Fairy of Shampoo, Little Prince Concept, Music Bank - it’s a special stage which means that they’ll have to look extra perfect. Try as he might, though, Soobin just can’t seem to do this one move correctly. Every time they do a run-through it sticks out like a sore thumb, and no matter how many times he tries to fix his angling it still looks wrong.

The others sit down for a break, but Soobin keeps going, repeating that section over and over until his arms ache. Each time it comes out incorrectly he grows more and more frustrated, until his teeth are gritted and the blood rushing in his ears makes it hard to hear. The little ones are deep in discussion again, unnoticing, but Yeonjun eventually walks over to tell Soobin to take a break.

He shakes his head stubbornly, so Yeonjun moves behind him instead. 

Placing his hands on Soobin’s wrists, the elder fixes his angle manually, limb by limb, murmuring instructions over the top of his shoulder. Soobin represses a shiver, trying to keep his focus and not let the close proximity get to him. He misses his Yeonjun so much though... he’s so touch starved it almost feels like the early days before they had confessed to one another. Every graze of fingers against skin is electric, and Soobin has to keep his eyes from fluttering shut.

Yeonjun’s guidance helps though, and Soobin realizes what he had been doing wrong this whole time. Being taller than the others he was supposed to adjust his own positions to accommodate his height, but he had forgotten. Yeonjun steps back, whispering a soft “There we go, now do it by yourself.”

Soobin shows off his now corrected dance move, the areas of his wrists where Yeonjun’s hands had touched already turning cold. The elder nods affirmatively, satisfied, then turns around... and goes back to completely ignoring Soobin. The change is so immediate that it almost seems like a button has been turned off in his brain.

Soobin slumps to the floor, exhausted to the bone and starting to get emotional. He got his choreography right, but at what cost? His wrists burn now, white-cold with the lingering feeling of Yeonjun’s hands on them. 

He just wants , wants to be touched, wants to be doted on, wants to be praised... he just wants attention from his hyung and it’s been too damn long. Soobin hasn’t felt loved in weeks and now he’s been given the smallest taste of the closeness he craves, only to have it cruelly ripped away like a sticky bandaid. 

He doesn’t realize he’s begun crying until the sobs start to shake in his chest, tears dripping down his face and onto the practice room floor. The room falls silent and everyone freezes, turning their attention to the trembling bundle of leader in the center of the room. Someone gets up and rushes over, leaning down to rub circles into Soobin’s back. It’s Taehyun.

“Go get some air, hyung, take a break, you really need it. It’s okay, we’ll cover for you if manager-nim asks. Take all the time you need.”

Within seconds Soobin is up on his feet and out of the room, door slamming behind him. The four remaining boys stare at each other with wide eyes, so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Yeonjun sputters, breaking the silence with a flailing hand pointed at the door. “Taehyun, go after him. He probably went to my studio.”

Taehyun hurries for the door, momentarily forgetting about his conspiracy theory in favor of worrying about his hyung. The others are more perceptive though, Beomgyu raising an eyebrow and facing Yeonjun with his best “and what about you?” look. The eldest pretends not to notice. 

Taehyung jogs through the halls of the company building, trying desperately to come up with a reason why Soobin could’ve broken down like that. He hopes it isn’t related to the little surprise he had uncovered this morning with the others. The little ones are insistent upon not making any assumptions, simply gathering evidence and possibilities, but it’s hard not to worry at least a little when two suspicious things happen in such quick succession.

The door to Yeonjun’s studio isn’t closed all the way, and when Taehyun knocks he hears a sniffle coming from inside. Pushing open the door, he steps inside to see the same Soo-ball that had been on the practice room floor, except now it’s on the couch squeezing a pillow. Taehyun sits down and wraps his arms around Soobin as best he can, trying to get a peek of his hyung’s face so he can figure out what to say.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Soobin shakes his head quickly, trying to catch his breath so he can reply. “I’m just frustrated, -s nothing. You didn’t have to come.” He sniffles a bit, hooking his chin over the younger’s shoulder.

The excuse is very obviously untrue, but Taehyun doesn’t really know how to press further without jumping to conclusions. “Is this related to Yeonjun hyung?”

Soobin tenses immediately, holding his breath for a split second before shaking his head almost violently. This time Taehyun doesn’t feign ignorance.

“I’m assuming it is, in which case you need to talk it out. In fact, I think all five of us have some things to discuss.” 

The elder looks up with a shocked expression, teary eyes stopping their flow to fix themselves upon Taehyun. “All... five?”

Taehyun nods and gestures for his hyung to get up. His statement has distracted Soobin just enough that he’s stopped crying, which is perfect. Although it wouldn’t be the end of the world, their choreographer surely would be displeased if he found 40% of the group missing from the practice room.

They walk back to the others in silence, Soobin wiping his eyes with the corner of his shirt. Taehyun stands on tiptoe to whisper in his ear, waiting until right when they enter the practice room so that his hyung won’t be able to argue. “Discussion tonight, after Music Bank. Promise me.”

Soobin takes a deep breath, opening the door and flinching a little as 3 sets of eyes immediately fix upon him. “Fine.”

Their performance on Music Bank goes well, with very few takes and no mistakes. While they’re waiting in the green room a staff member comes up to Soobin and asks him if he’d be interested in auditioning for an MC job with them. 

He accepts, of course, running to inform their manager of this great opportunity. He goes to tell the members too, but decides against it when he sees them. All four of them look on edge and uneasy, avoiding making eye contact and burying their faces in their phones. The pride blooming in his chest wilts like a sun-deprived flower; he almost feels embarrassed at his own excitement. A new thought plants itself in his head: maybe it’s not just Yeonjun that I’m bothering lately. Maybe it’s all of them. Maybe that’s what Taehyun wants to talk about later. He goes back to sitting in the corner of the room, scared half to death of sharing the great news and being met with indifference. 

These music shows drag on for hours, most of the time being spent cooped up in a green room waiting to be called upon. Soobin has been stewing in this soup of heavy awkwardness for long enough, so he gets up to explore backstage. Other groups are milling about in hallways, ready to perform or talking with friends. As Soobin begins to walk pointedly towards nowhere in particular, an arm shoots out and grabs him by the shoulder. 

He turns to see the shining face of Hwang Hyunjin, some friend of Yeonjun’s that Soobin barely recognizes. He’s a little bit breathless, and his face is slightly flushed.

“Soobin-ssi, hi! I wish we had time to talk but I’m about to perform.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone before Soobin can even open his mouth to respond. “This is a bit of a weird request, but can I have your phone number? I wanted to talk to you when I have more time.”

Soobin nods dumbly and takes the phone, completely flabbergasted. He’s not used to people randomly approaching him like this, and he’s definitely not used to anyone asking for his phone number without even having a conversation first. He types it in though, not wanting to make Hyunjin late for his performance. He admits he’s a little curious. 

Hyunjin thanks him and begins to run off, but turns back abruptly. “Actually,” He lowers his voice. “Do you happen to have a... Telegram?” 

Now, Soobin does have a Telegram. It’s an encrypted messaging app that idols use, often in conjunction with a notification-masking program that makes text message notifications look like mobile game ones. If the app is adequately hidden, idols can text away from the prying eyes of their managers. He and Yeonjun use Telegram to share their more... intimate messages. Or at least they did at some point. Nowadays the app collects dust on his phone.

Quickly glancing around to make sure there aren’t any staff members nearby, Soobin nods. He opens “Rainbow Run” on his own cell phone and hands it over to Hyunjin, who types his username into a rainbow-themed textbox. It’s some nondescript combo of letters and numbers, impossible to trace back to a specific person. Hyunjin makes Soobin promise that he won’t tell a soul about this interaction, not even other TXT members, which Soobin finds odd but agrees to anyways. Then the other boy runs off, responding to a call for Stray Kids to take the stage. 

The recording ends around 10, and the boys are informed by their manager that they’ll have the night off. Normally this would be a cause for celebration but nobody cheers or yells, each member merely thanking the manager and heading to the car to be taken home. Nobody talks on the way there, either, the two oldest members dozing off on opposite sides of the car while the other three text rapid-fire in a presumed secret group chat.

They get home, eat, shower in turns, all as normal. Soobin can’t shake the uncomfortable sinking feeling in his stomach though, and he also can’t stop turning the weird interaction with Hyunjin over in his head. It seems like everyone around him seems to know something that he doesn’t. 

Soobin gets progressively more nervous as the night wears on, until he hears Taehyun’s voice ringing out through the dorm: “Hyungs, let’s have A Talk.”

All five boys gather on the floor in a circle, looking towards Taehyun to initiate conversation. The younger fumbles a bit. “Yeonjun hyung and Soobin hyung...” he starts, unsure. “You two seem to be fighting... or something. Whatever’s going on... it’s making both of you irritable and hard to work with.”

Yeonjun heaves a sigh and drags a hand up his face, cat-style. He turns a scowl upon the floor and begins to talk: “I know that we usually address conflicts as all five, but frankly I don’t think this concerns anyone except me.

Taehyun raises one eyebrow, exchanging a tired look with Kai. “Case in point. You’re crabby all the time, like right now, and Soobin is so exhausted and dejected that he walks into walls and dozes off mid conversation without noticing. It’s freaking the other three of us out, which makes five total people affected.” 

Soobin hasn’t said anything. He’s sitting with his knees against his chest, making himself small in hopes that they’ll forget he’s there. The hideous, ugly fear grows in his stomach with every passing second.

Meanwhile, Yeonjun has turned his scowl towards Taehyun, clearly starting to get angry. “Me being crabby is not directly affecting any of you. Soobin is just blasted out because he’s overworking himself.” He rubs his face again, missing the way that his leader rolls his eyes at the latter statement. “Manager-nim is all up my ass about something, that’s all. It’s a personal issue.”

Beomgyu looks back and forth between his two hyungs, trying to figure out how to politely say that he wants to take each by the shoulders and shake violently for at least 5 minutes. Kai interrupts before he opens his mouth. “Well hyung, that also applies to all of us. If manager-nim is upset with you then we need to know so that we can avoid upsetting him as well.”

The hand that’s currently covering half of Yeonjun’s face tenses into a frustrated claw shape. “You absolutely do not!” The others sit up a bit straighter, and Soobin flinches. He doesn’t know anything about this manager trouble but he has a very bad feeling about it, like it’s his fault in some twisted way

“Okay... okay look.” The eldest seems marginally apologetic for yelling at his members, although it isn’t clear whether or not he noticed how Soobin appears visibly afraid of him. “I’ll tell you since it seems like there won’t be peace until I do so. It’s not a big secret or anything though. It just really has nothing to do with anyone except me.”

“I was on the phone with my mom a while ago and she asked me if I was seeing anyone. Obviously I didn’t tell her in the moment but later I asked manager-nim if it would be okay to reveal the secret, just to her.”

Yeonjun’s scowl deepens but his reflexive picking at his cuticles betrays his anxiety. “He totally blew up at me. I think he was in a bad mood that day or something... Saying all sorts of shit like ‘You’re already walking on thin ice’ and ‘You should be lucky that I’m so generous with you.’ I didn’t say in the moment that him being generous is just allowing me basic fucking human rights- but anyway.”

The four younger boys listen carefully; Soobin feels bad for his hyung but doesn’t have any idea what this has to do with Yeonjun’s long-term neglect. He doesn’t want to ask though, because that would be admitting that the aloneness has been bothering him. He would rather die than admit it, admit it’s eaten away at his heart for so long he fears there’s nothing left.

“But anyway,” Yeonjun continues, “I didn’t want to make him angrier, because that would lead to him taking it out on the four of you. I’m... working on how to make him less upset, but the only thing that I’ve thought of is doing less fanservice with Soobinie on camera.” He sends a glare towards the ceiling, trying but failing to directi his anger away from the members. “Currently working, as in I will remain crabby until I have a solution.”

“Wait wait wait wait-” Beomgyu, catching up, still has more questions. “If all this is between you and manager-nim, why does Soobin spend his every waking moment looking like a puppy that someone just kicked?”

Taehyun elbows Beomgyu squarely in the ribs, but it’s too late, damage already done. Yeonjun turns towards his leader, irritated look turning to confusion as he fixes his gaze upon him for the first time that night. “Oh Soob,” he starts, scooting closer then raising his eyebrows as the younger shifts away slightly. “I honestly didn’t know it was bothering you that much. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would stress you out more.”

Soobin takes a deep breath, willing his racing heart to slow as he tries to form a sentence. He can’t hold eye contact with anyone so focuses hard on the cracks in their floor. “I don’t mind less fanservice.” The words come out weak and unfamiliar, in a voice Soobin doesn’t recognize. All the reasons for his upset temperament are illogical and irrational, so he explains the only one that makes sense. “I just miss sleeping next to you, that’s all.”

He’s blushing, and extremely embarrassed, but the maknaes can see that he’s holding back tears and therefore refrain from teasing. Yeonjun’s angry scowl is back, and Kai quickly reaches out to stop the elder’s hand from tearing out a chunk of bleach-fried yellow hair. “That stupid manager I would kill him if I had the weaponry for it. He’s the one who wakes us up in the morning and I didn’t want to push his buttons... I thought for sure he would start yelling one day and scare you awake so I made up some excuse to prevent it from happening.” 

Yeonjun lets go of his hair and reaches out tentatively to hold Soobin’s hand. “I was afraid he’d start going through my phone too, nitpicking my messages. I’m sorry I haven’t been texting you.”

Soobin nods, unable to speak but so relieved to finally understand what’s been happening. The others also seem satisfied, until Yeonjun reminds them of their final issue: “I’ve been staying with my other friends until late too, just to keep manager-nim convinced that I’m not keeping Soobinie awake or distracting him from his studies.

At the mention of friends Taehyun perks up, steeling himself and producing a shoebox from behind his back. “Hyung... about that. There was one final question I wanted to ask, me as well as Kai and Beomgyu hyung. We found this in the laundry today, and we want to know the whole story so we can avoid confusion.” He opens the box, revealing the t-shirt in all its crumpled glory.

Yeonjun rolls his eyes, letting out a dismissive “oh c'mon guys” but Beomgyu is quick to interject with an explanation. “Listen!! Soobin hyung smelled like Hyunjin’s cologne this morning and it freaked me the hell out so we had to get to the bottom of it. That’s all.” 

At this Soobin lets go of Yeonjun’s hand, jumping back as if burned. That was why the maknaes were sniffing him like a candle, why they were scheming all day, why they were acting so awkward around Yeonjun. The implications of what they’re saying make him feel sick.

The four boys stare cautiously at Yeonjun, who’s back to dragging his hands over his face. “This is unbelievable. I know y’all are worried about me but going through my dirty laundry is a new low.”

Taehyun tries to bring the situation back from the dangerous conclusion that it’s leaning towards, explaining that they didn’t want to make assumptions but that Yeonjun’s distant behavior had made the situation seem worse than it surely was. The rushing of blood in Soobin’s ears almost entirely drowns out the words. His eyes are squeezed shut and he’s begun hyperventilating again, like a lost bunny in a snowstorm. 

With yet another defeated sigh Yeonjun opens his mouth to explain. “Just like the other issue this really isn’t anything crazy or unusual. I drank too much and threw up on my shirt last night, and Hyunjin lent me one of his. If you really wanted to you could ask him, or the other friends we were with.”

Kai and Beomgyu look instantly like a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders, heaving twin sighs of relief and smiling at one another. Taehyun looks extremely relieved as well, although he does spare a worried glance at Soobin. “See, we knew it was nothing to worry about, but we had to bring it up. For Soobin hyung’s sake we had to bring it up. I hope you understand.”

At the mention of his leader Yeonjun finally looks over, brows furrowing as he sees the state of him. He presses his hand to Soobin’s cheek, leaning in to whisper in his ear. “Oh sweetheart, you know I would never go after someone else. Of all the stupid things I’d do you know I would never do that.” 

What he doesn’t expect is for Soobin to shiver and shy away from the touch, face going blank and trembly limbs halting instantly. “Can we finish things up? I’m exhausted, and it looks like there isn’t any more confusion.” His voice is uncharacteristically cold.

Raising one eyebrow, Taehyun steps in once again to do some damage control. “Let’s get some sleep and come up with solutions to our manager problems tomorrow. This is our problem since he’s in charge of all of us, so we can all think of how to fix it.”

Kai interjects thoughtfully, although he rubs at his eyes blearily as he talks: “If manager-nim was really just in a bad mood that day, maybe you can talk about it with him again and see if he changes his mind.” Beomgyu nods, getting up from the floor and lending an arm to Yeonjun. “He has to keep you and Soobin hyung secret from his higher-ups, so maybe he’s just stressed out about it. If your mom told anybody and the secret got out, manager-nim would be blamed for sure.”

Nodding and murmuring overtakes the room, as the five prepare to head to bed. Beomgyu gives Yeonjun a big hug and offers one to Soobin too, but the elder mumbles something about being tired and wanders off instead of accepting it. Taehyun stands on tiptoe to whisper in Yeonjun’s ear, like he had done earlier with Soobin: “Give him some time, I have a feeling he’s a lot more hurt than he lets on.”

It’s nearing 1am when the bedroom door opens and Yeonjun enters. Soobin is sitting on the little bed, curled up in a classic Soo-ball, but he doesn’t feel comfortable or cozy. Hideous, cruel thoughts cloud his mind, and images of Hyunjin float around in his peripheral vision despite his desperate attempts to rub his eyes clear. 

He tries to look up at Yeonjun but can’t quite manage it, eyes filling with tears as soon as he sees how uncomfortable his hyung is. Even after learning the motive behind Yeonjun’s behavior, bothering him in any way plants a sickening fear in Soobin’s stomach. He hates himself even more now, for not being able to control himself when it’s clear that Yeonjun wasn’t trying to hurt him in any way. But he just can’t get this story of Taehyun’s out of his head.

Hyunjin’s weird request that afternoon only increases his suspicion; why would a stranger approach him like that if it wasn’t to confess to some unsavory act?

Yeonjun sits down carefully beside him, moving to wrap an arm around him but pausing when Soobin shivers harshly. “Can I touch you, Soob?”

A long pause follows as Soobin tries and fails to find his voice. His mouth opens, then closes, then he nods. Yeonjun moves to hold him gently, soft and tender just like he knows Soobin loves; he doesn’t let it discourage him when the younger remains stiff as a statue. He takes a deep breath and pushes a lock of hair behind Soobin’s ear. “Do you think I’m cheating on you?”

Soobin doesn’t respond. His breathing doesn’t change, there’s really no signal that he even heard the words. But Yeonjun knows he did, and the unspoken ‘yes’ hangs heavily in the air. “Okay. I respect that.”

For some reason, Yeonjun not trying at all to argue his case shakes Soobin a little. He was expecting defensiveness, explanations, even possibly a profession of love or something, but the complete acceptance of the accusation catches him off guard. It feels reassuring in a strange way, like Yeonjun doesn’t have anything to hide and therefore doesn’t feel the need to do any convincing. 

“Do you want to sleep now and talk about it in the morning? I can go if you want me to.” Something about Yeonjun offering to leave breaks Soobin. It doesn’t matter what he thinks his hyung did or didn’t do. It doesn’t matter how much it hurt to sit there on that cold floor and listen to other people discuss his broken heart like a debate club topic. It doesn’t matter that Yeonjun didn’t even notice how much his baby was suffering until four whole weeks of cold avoidance had passed. The audacity, the absolute audacity to suggest leaving him alone at this time? The tears spill over and his body seizes with the beginning of a sob. “Stay, hyung. Don’t you dare go.”

He can’t speak any more, or hear, or see, all he can do is feel the sorrow overtake his body as Yeonjun pulls him close. It feels like he’s been possessed and his hyung is the chain holding him down on earth, digging deep into his skin and drawing blood but also keeping him safe.

He lets himself be picked up and placed gingerly in the big bed, barely making out a whispered “ This is where you belong” in his ear. A warm body presses up next to his, a feeling he barely recognizes, and fingers come up to tenderly comb through his hair. 

He doesn’t know how long this continues. At some point he stops crying and the room grows silent. Yeonjun stays awake as long as he possibly can, blinking his bleary eyes open repeatedly to stroke Soobin’s cheek and press kisses to his neck. The younger dares to meet his eyes only once, and is met with an expression of such pure, unadulterated concern that he can’t hold the gaze for more than a second. Yeonjun doesn’t look guilty or shameful, just worried that he’s gone too far and broken Soobin beyond repair. 

Eventually the anxious eyes close and Yeonjun sleeps, but Soobin can’t join him. The little Hyunjins circle his head like stars in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, and no amount of cuddles from Yeonjun has faded their image even a single percent. He wants to believe Yeonjun, but he can’t explain the strange occurrences of the afternoon in any way that wouldn’t implicate his hyung somehow. If only Hyunjin would just speak up and explain what he wanted... or maybe he already has?

Soobin reaches over to grab his phone, barely reaching it from a far away bedside table. Yeonjun grumbles sleepily, readjusting his tight hold on the younger’s waist. Soobin unlocks his phone to find 8 new Rainbow Run notifications, staring at him from the bright screen like they’re mocking his tear stained face. He taps one and types his code into the multicolored text box that appears, a 20 character monstrosity that he memorized solely so he could tell Yeonjun to come home from work alone. The contrast to his current use for the app is almost laughable.

The code goes through and the rainbows give way to a plain message screen with only two message threads. One is from Yeonjun, untouched for a month, but the other has multiple messages posted only 10 minutes ago. They read as follows:

Hey!! I’m the person who asked for your number today at work. I get this is totally weird because we’ve only met a few times but I’m your hyung’s friend, I’m not a stranger!

He’s been coming over to my place a lot with his friends and we’ve just been talking and drinking as a group, but last night your hyung had a little too much and he did something I’m sure he would really regret. He doesn’t remember anything but I think as his partner it’s your right to know

Soobin feels his stomach turn. He sits up quickly, narrowly avoiding waking Yeonjun in his attempt to keep his dinner down. In his panic he ignores a fatal part of the message - how does Hyunjin know about his relationship with Yeonjun? Hadn’t Yeonjun just spent the whole prior month in turmoil because he couldn’t tell anyone? Why would he tell some friend before his own mother? The thoughts sail clear over Soobin’s head, pushed out by the intense feeling of terror beginning to creep up his body. Thumb shaking against the screen, he scrolls to read the next message. 

He hasn’t ever actually SAID he’s in a relationship but he’s humble bragged so many times that we all kinda know he is... I just didn’t know it was you until yesterday. Everyone else had already headed home for the night but your hyung was really upset about something and just wouldn’t stop drinking

I promise I tried to stop him!! He’s a crazy lightweight but like... he just drank and drank and then he started talking and I didn’t realize he was sharing super secret and dangerous information until it was too late to shut him up

Basically he told me the whole story of how he’s been dating you for a year and how he’s not allowed to tell anyone not even his family and how it tears him apart and stuff but honestly most of the time he was just gushing about you and how hot you are and how much he loves you blah blah blah he’s insufferable lol

Omg but lemme be clear he didn’t say anything explicit or super personal or anything!! The bad part is that he revealed your identity even though he’s been trying so hard to keep it a secret for so long and I know he’d totally hate himself if he knew he told me. That’s like his worst fear on earth that someone would find out he’s dating you and it would make you lose your job

Honestly I thought it was all over and we wouldn’t be able to stay friends but then he puked on me and I sent him home and the next morning he texted me and said he didn’t remember anything so like. I’m obviously not going to tell anyone but I feel like I need to come clean to at least one person and you’re the only person I could possibly tell

I don’t know if you wanna tell your hyung but if you want to it’s totally fine to show him these messages. Do whatever feels right to you and once again I promise I will never tell a single soul because I know how dangerous that would be!! Goodnight and I hope I didn’t scare you too much with these messages haha I know it was out of the blue <333

Soobin stares blankly at his phone screen, then scrolls to the top and reads the whole thing again. It feels unreal, too good to be true, almost comedic. There’s no way that this is Hyunjin’s reason for messaging him. There’s no way it could be this simple.

He reads the messages a third time, trying to force the words through his skull but they won’t sink in. Yeonjun had been giving him the cold shoulder and meanwhile been covertly bragging about their relationship to his friends? Ridiculous. Ridiculous but unapologetically Yeonjun behavior. And all that coy secrecy just to reveal the whole thing after too many bottles of soju... 

Soobin can hardly contain his laughter, so hilarious and relieving the news is. 

And just like that, the heavy weight pressing squarely against his chest is lifted off, revealing a broken but fixable heart beneath. For the first time that night Soobin thinks he could forgive his hyung for the pain he caused. He knew as soon as Yeonjun explained his issue that there was never any malicious intent meant, but he didn’t feel ready to accept that until now. His silly, overdramatic hyung, causing all this trouble and heartbreak over some tiny manager squabble, then getting himself involved in a whirlwind of Taehyun-fabricated soap opera intrigues? The entire situation seems too unbelievable to cause any real damage. All Soobin needs is a long talk with Yeonjun and some affection-formulated superglue to repair himself.

Soobin wakes up the next morning pressed up against Yeonjun’s chest, the elder holding his hand and rubbing it gently. He’s watching Soobin sleep so their eyes meet when Soobin opens his; it’s a connection they haven’t felt in so long, waking up together. The look they share says what words can’t, and Yeonjun resents with every cell in his body the approaching footsteps of manager-nim coming to disrupt them. 

He sits up and grunts out a quick “We’re awake” as soon as their manager opens the bedroom door, getting up and meeting him in the doorway to shield Soobin from the man’s judgemental eye. When he’s successfully got ridden of the manager he turns around to meet Soobin again, only to find him holding out his phone shyly. “Do you mind reading this, hyung? Hyunjin messaged me.”

Yeonjun sits down next to Soobin quickly and reads the messages. His face shifts from confusion to recognition, then to panic, then through what looks like all the other 6 stages of grief simultaneously. When he finishes he throws the phone down and buries his face in his hands.

Soobin forces the smile of endearment off his face, trying not to coo as he goes to comfort his hyung. “You know it’s really not the end of the world that Hyunjin knows. Surely you have an entire bank of damning information about him to use as leverage.”

Yeonjun shrugs. “He has told me some interesting stories. But still!” He pouts and smacks himself in the forehead. “After all this secrecy and pain I just tell my friend like it’s nothing!”

He looks so much like a disgruntled duckling that Soobin can’t help but laugh. It feels like years since he saw Yeonjun this way, not avoidant nor apologetic but instead completely unfiltered. “One good thing did come out of it though.”

Now Yeonjun is the one looking shy. “What good thing could have possibly come out of me getting blackout drunk off of only 4 sojus and then spouting my whole life story to people?”

Soobin sighs in exasperation and falls back on the bed. “It means you have an alibi, stupid. Hyunjin confirmed your dumb story of coming home in his shirt.” He pulls himself up so they can make eye contact. The fact that he feels comfortable doing so speaks more to Yeonjun than anything he could possibly say, but he speaks anyways: “I believe that even when you acted like you hated me, it was just an act. You never went to someone else. I believe you.”

Bonus:

After breakfast, when he and Yeonjun are snuggled up in the car on the way to the Hybe building, Soobin sends a couple texts to the unlabeled contact in his Telegram.

I showed him your messages. Thank you for telling me

I'll make sure he doesn’t forget to return your shirt when he visits next

He gets a response almost immediately:

Thank goodness bro that’s my favorite shirt