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Chan had always been a bit sad.
It had gotten worse at some point, not finding any will to just wake up.
What was the point of waking up if there was nothing to do all day ? No one to see ? What was the point of eating or even showering ? He was alone and no one would even see him. It wasn’t like someone wanted to see him anyway.
His thoughts always ran wild, staring at the ceiling, unable to find in him to just stand up and go on with his day.
What’s the point ?
“Chan hyung ! Wake up !”
Chan instinctively smiled, looking at Jisung coming in loudly by slamming the door open with an exaggerated frown. “Hyung ! You didn’t even wash up ? Hurry up, Minho hyung’s gonna grill us otherwise !”
Chan laughed aloud as he sat, grinning happily, his heart bursting warmly, “Sorry sorry, I’ll go.”
But now that he found back his childhood friends— and possibly more, he might have a reason to wake up every morning.
“How do you feel today ?”
Chan glanced at Seungmin, already knowing what he meant, “I’m neutral I guess, but I’ll be happier if I could cuddle with you,” he blinked innocently at him and Seungmin rolled his eyes. They were sitting on the couch, watching a movie, the others were nowhere to be found.
“Stop using your charms on me,” He retorted, but still opened his arms for him to snuggle against him on the couch, Chan giggling happily.
He buried his face on his chest, sighing in satisfaction when the tender smell of citrus and books filled his nose. “You do know that I’ll always be happy with all of you, right ?” he couldn’t help but ask, feeling Seungmin’s hand passing through his hair.
“Sorry for… losing contact like that.”
Chan lifted up his head to find Seungmin’s gaze, remorseful and sad. “Hey,” he called softly, “it’s completely fine, you all had your lives and beside you’re always squatting here now,” he playfully poked his cheek but Seungmin wasn’t having that.
“Only now, that’s the problem,” he retorted, “if I knew you would’ve gone through that, we all would’ve stayed with you,” He added weakly and Chan’s gaze softened.
“It’s not something you could’ve known, and I’m happy now, everything’s in the past Seungminie,” He uttered with tender eyes, ruffling his hair and making him take a shaky breath. “and now we have all the time in the world.”
Seungmin took a deep breath to calm his need to cry, nodding slowly, “Right, and we’ll make sure to catch up,” he finished, Chan smiled brighter.
Chan had been sad in his life. For months, or maybe years. He didn’t really remember, as if his mind would blur when he tried to think about it.
He knew the principal reason was losing contact with his closest friends, his family. But he didn’t even remember how they lost contact. One day after an accident, he had come back from the hospital to his flat, finding it empty.
Completely cold and soulless.
Not a word, not a text or even a call.
Just gone.
As if he was never important to them like they were to him. As if his life was just a trash they picked up on their way to throw later.
And no matter how many times he tried calling them, no one ever answered.
Chan’s heart turned to ashes that day.
Chan had noticed.
Hyunjin had changed.
He wasn’t the same bright man, all laughter and smiles. Or incredible dance and passion burning in his eyes.
All of that faded away, leaving a frustrated and desperate man.
Whenever he found Chan with no one around, he would come to him, cupping his face with big hopeful eyes, “Do you feel me ?”
And Chan would blink in confusion, taking his wrists gently, “Of course, is— is something wrong ?”
But Hyunjin would always falter so hard that his eyes would prickle with tears, and before any words could come out of his lips, one of the youngest would appear and Hyunjin would back off until leaving the room.
Chan had tried to go talk to him but the youngests needed his help and he couldn’t turn them down.
He barely smiled anymore, always looking stressed and worried, glancing at him every now and then.
Jisung had told him he had a disorder, something about not feeling real and needing constant reassurance. It was always painful to watch him going through an episode and not being able to do anything about it.
Chan never blamed them.
He understood.
They just weren’t made to stay together all of their lives.
Or he was just an incredible dumbass. As if they would care about someone like him. As if he was even worth their times—
Chan took a deep breath that day, let hot and silent tears run on his cheeks, stared at the sky until it turned dark and stars could be shown. At that moment he wondered if they were watching the sky like him. With him.
Why would they ?
Chan shut the curtains and never opened them again.
But there wasn’t only him.
Changbin was more distant, almost like a shadow lurking around the flat, never really there but never really gone.
He always kept an eye on him and whenever Chan tried to discuss a bit with him and catch up, the youngests would stop him from doing so. And when he would look behind and catch Changbin’s gaze, he would only find incredible sadness before he would leave.
Minho too.
He always seemed torn between thoughts, looking at Chan with nothing but pain and always giving up before he could talk his mind out, pressing his head against his shoulder completely resigned.
Chan didn’t know how many days passed. Maybe one, maybe a dozen. What he knew was the hole in his heart only kept growing until it was starting to be insufferable.
He didn’t even remember the last time he stood up from his bed to eat something.
But that didn’t matter, nothing mattered. He didn’t matter.
His family’s dead, his friends disappeared without a word, he was just alone with himself.
And god he didn’t like that. If his friends left him, it clearly was for that reason alone. He was pathetic, a waste of place.
His phone rang.
And he was too clingy too, too annoying— too much, he was just too much.
His phone stopped ringing.
Chan exhaled a slow breath.
If no one wanted him, maybe he should just end it all ?
Because he was clearly just a fucking—
Someone knocked on the door.
“Chan ? Chan, are you there ? Open the door please.”
Chan ignored the voice.
But the others, Jeongin, Seungmin, Felix and Jisung. They were always so happy around him. Their eyes would shone a sparkle of thousand stars before tackling him into a hug and finishing almost all the time in a cuddle session.
Chan didn’t mind, but he wished to grow closer to the three others. They weren’t like that when he found them back randomly walking on the street. When they first came back to his flat and claimed it as their home.
The three of them were joyful and all smiley. Hearing them laugh was a constant in the flat and Chan loved it. He loved them.
But their smiles started weakening, their laughter ebbing away from their walls and soon they looked sad and pained everytime they found him, letting only a coldness wherever they went, his heart twinging in agony.
“Chan please ! I know you’re there !” The voice screamed, knocking harder on his door. “Open the door !”
Chan closed his eyes, imagining how his life would’ve been with his friends if he was good enough.
Warm and lovely, big smiles, laughters echoing, playing around. And maybe kisses too… he craved for kisses.
If only he was perfect…
Something cracked loudly in the background.
Chan hadn’t noticed how tired he was, but after taking a bunch of pills, he could feel it deep in his bones. A need to just listen to his body. To just let it go.
It’s okay, everything’s gonna be okay if he just gave in.
No more pain, no more tears, no more need to torture himself with his own demons.
Just set himself free.
And god the warmth. Someone was hugging him ?
“Fuck— Chan ? Chan, can you hear me ?” Someone was shaking him but Chan just felt lulled into a deeper sleep, “stay awake— fuck fuck fuck— I’m gonna take you to the hospital, alright ? Everything’s going to be fine, I promise—”
“Hyung ! Let’s go out !” Jeongin yelled happily, already wearing his shoes with Felix, giggling like two excited kids.
Chan smiled as he followed them out of their flat, waving at the others and not forgetting to take his wallet. They had the tendency to forget their own and Chan didn’t mind buying them everything if it meant they would be happy.
He grinned until his cheeks hurt when he felt them both hold his hands as they walked out of the elevator, “So, where are we going ?” He asked and ignored the weird look of an old lady waiting for the elevator.
“Shopping center,” Felix replied with his sunshine smile, balancing their intertwined hands, “you need new clothes hyung, you can’t keep wearing black all of your life !”
Chan laughed as they walked on the streets, the cold wind brushing their faces, he couldn’t lie they were right, a bit of color couldn’t hurt, right ? “Alright, alright.”
“And I’ll be there, to take care of your fashion disaster,” Jeongin teased and Chan almost gasped in offense.
“I’m not a disaster !” He retorted with a childish frown and made them both laugh, “Jisungie’s the disaster.”
“I can’t really say the opposite,” Jeongin added with a snicker when Felix squeezed his hand.
Chan looked at him only to find him glancing around and he noticed only now how people were staring at them with confusion and whispering who knew what. Felix didn’t seem comfortable with the amount of attention and Chan squeezed back his hand in comfort, “Don’t pay attention to them, I’m there.”
Felix nodded slowly, looking a bit shy, ears turning pink and Chan almost cooed.
It wasn’t the first time they received a bunch of glares or weirded out gaze, whispers trailing on their backs like footsteps in the snow.
Chan was used to that. He never understood why they could even judge them for, nor did he want to know.
He simply didn’t care.
He only cared about making his friends comfortable, that was all that mattered.
Chan huffed as he passed the check-in, Felix and Jeongin taking a bag each while he paid.
“You’re finally going to wear good clothes,” Felix said teasingly and Chan sent him an offended glare.
“Meanie,” He uttered, the cashier looked up to him in confusion and Chan flushed in embarrassment, bowing lightly his head in apology, “thank you,” he took the two bags left and they started walking out.
“Wait sir, you forgot your bags,” the cashier called, pointing at two bags on the floor.
Chan looked at Felix and Jeongin who both had bags and him with his two. He shook his head at the cashier, “There aren’t ours.”
The cashier frowned even more confused “Ours ?”, he looked around Chan, as if he didn’t know what he was looking for, before adding, “But you just paid them.”
Chan shook his head, “I didn’t,” he looked at a woman who got closer to the cashier to whisper who knew what and Chan clearly knew what they were going to say, huffing in annoyance, before glancing at Jeongin and Felix looking worried. “Let’s just go.”
“Wait sir !”
Chan left.
Chan blinked blearily, body buzzing, mind still cloudy, until he could finally hear someone.
“Hey,” A soft voice echoed in his head, something warm held his hand. Chan’s heart cried in hope, “hey buddy, how do you feel ?”
Chan looked at the man holding his hand and his heart twisted in disappointment.
It wasn’t his family. Just Younghyun.
Chan didn’t answer his question and ignored the pitiful gaze on him. He didn’t need that right now. He needed his family.
“The— the doctor— he told us it would be better if you go to a psychiatric hospital to help you—” his voice started to tune in the background, Chan’s ears ringing, he looked by the door to find Sana talking with one of the doctors. She looked mentally exhausted, dark rings under her eyes, “— they’ll help you there—”
Chan shut his mind.
It was silent on their way home, an uncomfortable one, where Jeongin stared down at the ground and Felix stayed a bit closer to him. Chan sighed slowly, “Let’s eat my specialty at home.”
Jeongin and Felix perked up, smiles back on their faces and Chan relaxed, sighing in satisfaction when they started talking like usual.
“We’re back !” Jeongin yelled happily, the others greeting them back minus Changbin who was nowhere to be seen.
Chan smiled when Jisung snatched one of the bags from his hand to look inside, “Oh my god, colors !” He yelled in shock as he pulled out a blue shirt with white straps, Seungmin looked even more surprised, joining in.
“Impossible.”
“Hey hey !” Chan yelled in disagreement, looking up to meet Hyunjin’s gaze, just sad. This was his new constant.
While the others were busy, he scooted closer to Hyunjin, “You okay ?”
Hyunjin huffed dryly, “You should answer that,” he retorted weakly.
Chan took his hand, “I am fine,” feeling the warmth of his skin and he tilted his head a bit, “and I feel you,” he added softly, wondering if Hyunjin was having another episode.
With a bittersweet smile, Hyunjin pushed his hand away, “I think it’s too early for you hyung.”
Chan parted his lips, ready to ask what he meant, but the younger just shook his head before leaving to go upstairs, listening to him closing and locking his door.
He sighed sadly, hand lingering in the air, wanting to badly just hold him and reassure him. He didn’t like seeing him like this but no matter how many times he tried, Hyunjin would push him away. He decided against it, going into the kitchen and finding Minho staring at the island, hands leaning against it.
“Something’s going on ?” He asked and saw how Minho flinched at his voice, completely surprised.
“Not really, didn’t know what to cook,” He replied nonchalantly and yet couldn’t meet up his gaze.
Chan noticed.
He nudged his shoulder gently, “You know you can tell me everything, I’m there for you.”
“And that’s the problem because we’re not.”
Chan was startled from his words, looking at him chewing his lower lip and eyes shining with remorse. He gently squeezed his shoulder, smiling a bit, “Min, that’s in the past, I don’t even care anymore. You’re there now and that’s what counts.”
But Minho shook his head, staring at him with parted lips, “Are we really though ?”
Chan frowned, his words going over his head, what was going on with everyone ? He couldn’t recognize them anymore, something happened when they were gone ? “Of course you are—”
“I’m hungry !” Jisung piped in, stretching his arms, “What are we eating ?”
Minho sighed in defeat, “Hyung’s cooking this time,” and leaving him alone with Jisung.
Chan just blinked, worry dripping from his gaze, while Jisung just back-hugged him, letting out a happy noise.
“Lixie told me you’ll cook your specialty ?”
Chan hummed, tearing his gaze away, “Why— why are you—” he shook his head, “— I don’t like seeing you all like this.”
Jisung tightened his hug, but didn’t answer.
Chan slowly held Jisung’s forearm, “Are you all still feeling bad ?”
Jisung sighed, “You can’t really blame him for acting like that,” he whispered and Chan detached himself from Jisung. He looked at him, gaze shiny and sad, they’re always sad, “we’re all feeling bad for leaving you.”
“But you’re back now,” Chan replied, a bit frustrated for always saying the same thing.
Jisung’s shoulders deflated a bit, gaze just so miserable and Chan wanted to scream why, why are you feeling like this ? I’m okay, I’m fine, please stop being sad for me, “Yeah, we’re back.”
Chan sat next to Seungmin, looking at everyone who had started eating, the youngests animatedly talking while Minho kept quiet, head lost in his thoughts. Chan had tried to coax Hyunjin out of his room but the younger hadn’t even replied.
Looking around, he noticed Changbin wasn’t there too and Chan sighed as he stood up, promptly quieting the conversation or any movements.
“Where are you going ?” Seungmin asked.
“Find Binie,” He replied and the three youngests seemed to pale, Jisung quickly speaking.
“You don’t have to, he’s certainly not hungry—”
“I don’t know what’s going on between you and him, but that’s not a reason to outcast him like that,” Chan cut him with a disappointed frown.
Jisung looked down in shame, before he replied weakly, “It’s not that, we just want you to be happy.”
He sounded so sincere that Chan almost missed how it didn’t make sense at all. Leaving Changbin out was clearly not going to make him happy, “I’ll be happy when he’ll join us,” he walked upstairs, before knocking on his door.
Changbin usually locked himself in, but this time his door was opened and Chan took the chance to enter, “Binie ?” He called, fully stepping into the dark room, the only light coming from the window and shining Changbin’s figure who was looking out with empty eyes.
Chan carefully came closer, gently wrapping his arms around him and pressing his head on his shoulder, “Food’s ready,” he mumbled, heart buzzing happily.
It was always hard to find him without anyone asking for something, so hugging him was even harder. Today, he was content to feel Changbin against him, the way his chest slowly lifted before deflating from breathing or just the warmth of his being.
Changbin simply hummed, a long sigh leaving his lips.
“Something’s wrong ?” He asked, lifting his head to find Changbin already staring at him.
He looked so devastated that Chan wished he could take his pain away, he wished he could disappear, maybe like that, they wouldn’t be so sad anymore, “Hyung, don’t you think it’s time to open your eyes ?”
Chan stared at him, confusion wrapping his mind, they all had been acting weirder as days passed, Chan didn’t like that, “What do you mean ?” There was something, a weird tingling buzzing on the nape of his neck rising goosebumps on his skin.
Something’s wrong.
Changbin’s shoulders slumped, “How long have we been there ?”
“I think, more than a month,” He replied, not really knowing where the conversation was going, “but why are you asking that ?”
Changbin shook his head, giving up for today, “Nevermind, it’s too early I guess.”
Chan worriedly stared at him, “I’m there if you need to talk,” he took his hands, thumbs brushing his knuckles.
Please talk to me.
Changbin’s smile turned bitter, “I know.”
Chan didn’t know how long he stayed in that hospital. But he didn’t care. When they found out he was doing better— as if he was really doing better— they simply let him go back.
That was it.
His mind had completely shut everything that had happened there, locking his memories in a strongbox and tearing the code into pieces. To never remember anything they made him go through. To protect himself from going insane.
Chan wanted to vomit all the pills he had to swallow there.
Instead, he entered his flat to Younghyun and Sana waiting for him with big proud smiles, praises and compliments leaving their lips, a Welcome back ! decoration filling his flat.
Chan threw up.
When Chan came back from work, he was startled to hear yelling coming from their flat. He hastily opened the door, stepping in quickly and looking at the scene unfolding in front of him.
“You really think it’s helping him that we lie ?!”
“You know none of us want him to be sad ! Can’t you understand ? Or do you like seeing him suffer that much ?!”
Chan stared at Jisung and Minho, both with clenched fists and angry frowns. There seemed to be a division because Changbin and Hyunjin were behind Minho while Jeongin and Felix behind Jisung.
Seungmin seemed to try to calm them without any success.
“We’re talking about Chan’s health here—” Minho cut himself when his gaze locked with Chan and his face paled in a second, the others quieting down when they saw him, all equally panicked.
His heart pulsed behind his eyes, “My health ? What’s going on ?” he murmured, anxious knots forming in the depth of his stomach.
“It’s— it’s nothing,” Jisung quickly muttered, only to earn three glares.
“Stop fucking lying to him !” Minho yelled angrily, “I can’t fucking stand it anymore !”
“You’re not better than us !” Jisung growled back, both looking ready to physically fight, but Seungmin quickly put himself in between.
Chan stared, completely uselessly and so out of the loop, their words echoing in his head louder everytime and his ears started buzzing. He put his hands over them to silence the mess, but their voices were too clear and Chan found himself starting to freak out, the comfort of their loudness disappearing with every hurtful word spat.
“You think I wanted to ?! How was I supposed to react with how happy he was ?!”
“Exactly ! If you tell him he’ll break down ! Do you want him to feel like that ?!” Jisung retorted, “After what we already made him go through ?!”
He pressed his back against the wall before sliding down until he could sit, trying to calm his breathing gone irregular and eyes burning hot as he shut them.
“It’s not sane ! We can’t let him go like that !”
“We have to ! I wouldn’t be able to live like that,” he replied weakly.
Minho scoffed, “Jisung, you’re already fucking—”
“STOP !” Jeongin yelled and managed to quiet everyone down, “You’re scaring him !”
Chan almost missed someone squeezing his shoulders before bringing him into a warm hug, soon followed by someone else.
“It’s okay hyung, you’re okay, we got you,” Changbin whispered tenderly, drawing patterns on his back.
“We’re sorry for all the yelling,” Felix added, his low voice soothing his breathing, pressing his face on his shoulder and kissing it gently, “we didn’t mean to scare you.”
Chan sniffled weakly as he hugged them back, burying his face on Changbin’s shoulder, tears staining his shirt, “I don’t like when you’re all fighting,” he choked out, fighting the sobs threatening to leave his lips, “just please stop fighting.”
He looked up tentatively, finding Minho and Jisung looking away, ashamed and remorseful, “Why were you even fighting about me ? I want an explanation,” he demanded with a frown, voice slightly wavy, just so tired to be left out from his own family. He was bound to be an outcast, wasn’t he ?
“It’s…” Minho trailed weakly, rubbing the nape of his neck in discomfort, “it’s complicated.”
“Now you don’t want to tell him ?” Jisung couldn’t help but say with a scoff, crossing his arms.
“Jisung don’t start now,” Minho spoke lowly, voice with a hint of a warning and glaring at the younger.
Chan ignored their bickering, “Did my therapist call or something ?”
“Hyung,” Seungmin’s voice piped in, “when did you take your medicine for the last time ?”
Chan frowned at the question, “When I found you all back.”
Hyunjin sighed defeatedly at Chan, he didn’t really look surprised, “Didn’t the doctor tell you to take them everyday ?”
“But I’m happy now, I don’t need them—”
“You’re not,” Changbin cut him, cupping his face to stare at him, “you’re really not hyung, please, just stop lying to yourself.”
Chan frowned, “But I am, I’m telling you I’m happy, I’m really happy.”
“Chan—”
“You’re right,” Jisung cut Minho with a glare, “you don’t have to take them if you’re really happy, but if it starts again, take them, alright ?”
Chan nodded with a thankful smile and just like that, everything went back to normal. Jisung and Minho exchanged a look and a tiny nod before going to their activities. Seungmin looked a bit exhausted from the whole fight, Jeongin wasn’t better, gently patting his shoulder. Changbin and Felix made sure to stick with him to cuddle in his room. Hyunjin just sighed, sitting on the couch and rubbing his fingers on his eyelids tiredly.
He painfully ignored the worried gazes of the three oldests on him.
Chan had used his body at waking up and doing nothing all day. He had gotten used to eat despite wanting to just throw up and disappear under his blanket. He even managed to take a shower every three days which was a miracle for him.
After all, Younghyun and Sana were still worried.
Despite his monotonous and tasteless routine, Chan decided to leave his flat, too nauseous from staring at one wall for hours.
Walking on the streets with no goal, he remembered when he would go to the convenience store open all night with his friends—
Chan abruptly stopped, taking a sharp breath, eyes wide open in shock.
They’re here.
They’re back.
Pairs of eyes locked with him and before he could choked out something— their names, Jisung jumped in his arms, followed by the others and he couldn’t stop his knees from wobbling, falling to the ground with loud cries, burying his face in the crook of his neck and hugging him— them tighter. Just in case.
Please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, please—
“We’re sorry, we’re so sorry,” Jisung whispered shakily, some of them crying with him and Chan never felt more relieved in his whole life, “we never meant to hurt you hyung, please forgive us.”
It’s okay, everything’s okay now that they came back to him.
Chan woke up in the middle of a cuddle pile and he sighed in satisfaction, grinning happily. He looked at Jeongin who was snoring softly and Seungmin trying to wake him up with kisses on his cheek. Jisung looked completely passed out against Hyunjin and Felix was hugging him tightly with a smile on his face.
Only Minho and Changbin were missing.
Chan looked around to find them talking in the kitchen, Changbin’s back facing him.
“And how are we supposed to do that ?” Minho asked with a worried frown.
Changbin shrugged, and after a moment, his next words broke Chan’s happy world, “We could leave.”
His smile faded.
What ?
“We can’t do that,” Minho retorted in frustration, “he almost killed himself last time.”
“Then what are we supposed to do ?” Changbin’s voice turned angrier, hands as fists, “he just—” he took a deep breath, “— we need to show him, we need to make him open his eyes.”
Chan’s heart missed a beat, breaths gone shorter, eyes shaky as he carefully placed back his head on the pillow.
Minho’s voice replied, “Let’s go slowly then, I don’t want him to try… again.”
Chan shut his eyes tight, fighting back his tears.
He hoped to wake up from this nightmare.
Chan wondered when his feelings started to grow until he could only think of them.
When they invited him for the first time on dates ? Despite knowing his insecurity ?
Or when they so dearly made sure to never cross boundaries ? To talk to him when they were unsure about certain topics ?
Or was it their smiles ? Their laughter ? Their tender words ?
Chan didn’t know, but he fell hard for all of them.
And he couldn’t think of his life without them. The only ones wanting him.
“Hyung please,” Minho pleaded gently.
Chan shook his head, glaring at his hand who had pills in.
“It’s for your sake, please hyung,” Minho tilted his head to find his gaze with a hopeful smile, “do it for me ? For us ?”
Chan glanced at Changbin whose expression was serious and anticipating. The others looked worried. Chan didn’t like that.
But he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t when they both looked so hopeful and Minho talking with hesitation was the final blow.
He’d do everything for them.
He reluctantly nodded, taking the pills and shoving it in his mouth before drinking from the glass of water Hyunjin handed him. He swallowed before puckering his lips, “Happy now ?”
Minho exhaled in relief, hugging Chan out of the blue and making the older forget about his worried thoughts, “Really happy.”
Chan woke up from his nap with a hot wave on his back. He stood up, cracking his back painfully before going to the living-room to find his family.
He paused in his tracks.
Silence filled the place in the most terrifying way.
No one was there.
Chan took a shaky breath as he started looking around the flat, “Guys ? Are you there ?” going in every room, looking under the beds, behind the curtains, anywhere but nobody was there.
They left.
They left again.
Chan took a hold of his hair, back knocking against the wall, they left him again, they left him, they left him— tears burnt their paths on his cheeks, the silence breaking under his heavy breathing.
No no no— they can’t do that to me— they wouldn’t— please don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me—
Shaky sobs dripped from his mouth, as he huddled himself close, heart breaking out from his chest and he couldn’t breath— he couldn’t breath he was dying— he’s dying—
“—yung hyung ! Chan hyung !”
Chan fluttered his heavy lashes, feeling someone wiping away the rest of his tears and when he could finally remember everything after passing out, he immediately sat and hugged the first one, choking out pitifully, “Don’t leave me please, please.”
Jeongin hugged back, “We’ll never do that,” someone patted his back and Chan sniffled harder, fighting back the constant tears wanting to escape his eyes, “we’re so sorry for worrying you, we just wanted to go buy you something.”
Chan pressed his hand on his eyelids hard, “Liar,” he choked out, the others hastily trying to reassure him but Chan shook his head, “I heard Minho and Changbin talking, I know you all want to leave me,” he whispered weakly as sobs echoed from between the cracks of his heart.
I know you don’t love me anymore, I know it’s too late.
Chan buried his face in his neck, ignoring the sudden tense situation.
He could hear some rustling before he heard Changbin’s voice closer to him, “I’m so sorry Chan hyung, we never meant to hurt you and I promise we’re not leaving you, never. ”
Chan lifted his head with puffy eyes, betrayal poisoning his heart, “Prove it.”
Changbin smiled bitterly, cupping his face oh so carefully, “I love you, we all do,” he whispered before kissing him gently, “please trust us one more time.”
Chan’s heart painted in pink, filling and hiding all of its cracks.
Chan flushed under their gazes, all anticipating, “I… I need more time, I’m sorry,” he looked down at his lap, fingers fidgety. He kept ruining everything—
“That’s okay hyung ! No need to work yourself like that,” Jeongin spoke with a big grin and hugged Chan despite being known for not liking skinship that much.
He looked up to the others who were just as encouraging, smiling at him, Seungmin gently squeezed his knee, “Take your time, we’re not going anywhere.”
Chan puckered his lips, “Are you both coming ? Or did you decide to fight ?” he asked, completely unimpressed by Hyunjin and Jisung’s hostile behavior to each other.
“I’m coming,” Jisung said with a sweet smile, hastily wearing his shoes before turning to Hyunjin who was glaring at him, “but looks like Hyunjinie doesn’t want to—”
“Who said I didn’t want to ?” Hyunjin asked angrily, wearing his shoes and making Jisung roll his eyes.
“Let’s just go hyung, he’s going to slow us down,” Jisung muttered as he hooked an arm around Chan’s before dragging him out of the building, Hyunjin catching them up easily.
Chan shook his head in disapproval, “What’s going on with both of you ? You were like best friends yesterday.”
The youngsters scoffed at the same time, “We just can’t agree on something important,” Hyunjin answered him and Chan held his hand.
“You’re just too stupid—”
“Jisung,” Chan called him warningly and successfully shutting his mouth, “I told you both I didn’t like it when you fight, please try to keep it civil,” they both faltered at his words, nodding slowly and Chan smiled fondly, squeezing both of their hands, “thank you, both of you for accompanying me on a walk.”
He glanced at them and he smiled brightly when he found them smiling just a bit, both replying, “No problem hyung,” before kissing his cheeks at the same time making Chan flush bright red.
Chan jolted up when a drop of water hit his nose, and Hyunjin whined, curling himself against Chan impossibly small and looking so adorable, “It’s gonna rain !”
Chan briefly wondered if it could trigger an episode from Hyunjin, “Let’s go home,” he spoke as they stood up from the bench they were resting on.
Jisung looked up as they started walking faster, drops of water falling more and more, “I don’t think we’re gonna make it hyung !”
“I’m— I’m not gonna make it hyung—”
Chan completely froze as rain poured harder, but his friends managed to drag him into a store, almost completely soaked.
“Hyung ?”
Chan took a sharp breath, staring at Jisung and Hyunjin who looked worried, heartbeat pulsing behind his ears, “I’m— I’m okay.” Was he ?
What just happened ?
Jisung and Hyunjin took a step closer, pressing their hand on his shoulders, “Are you sure ?” Hyunjin asked and Chan parted his lips.
“I think I need to cuddle with everyone,” the youngsters nodded and Chan looked at Hyunjin, “will it be alright for you ? Or is the rain one of your triggers ?”
Hyunjin blinked, “One of my triggers ? What are you talking about ?”
Chan frowned, glancing hesitantly at Jisung who paled, “Uhm… about your disorder ? Jisungie told me you don't feel real sometimes and I thought that maybe the rain could trigger you… ?” he looked between them when Hyunjin stared at Jisung in disbelief, “Uh, am I missing something ?”
“How fucking dare you,” Hyunjin spat coldly, face twisted in anger as he walked closer to Jisung who swallowed thickly, “what else did you lie to him about ?!” He yelled and Chan quickly put himself between them, feeling the tension and desperately trying to ignore the looks they were receiving from workers of the store.
“Hyunjinie—”
“You think I don’t know what you’ve been trying to do too ?” Jisung asked, frowning determinedly, “Do you feel me ? Do you feel me ?” he mimicked him with a sarcastic voice, “what do you think he’s going to answer you dumbass ?!”
Hyunjin clenched his jaw and Chan watched completely hopelessly turned to him, “Hyung, I don’t have a disorder but you do,” Chan stared at him leaving the store and he hastily rushed after him.
“Hyunjin— where are— what are you doing ?!” He yelled in horror as he watched him go in the middle of the road, opening wide his arms, hair sticking to his forehead from the strong rain while cars passed next to him.
“I’m opening your eyes hyung ! I’m not real !” He yelled back and Chan looked at a car rushing straight to Hyunjin.
“Hyunjin !” He screamed, running to him, the moment going to slowly as he clenched his jaw, begging his legs to be faster, before it’s too late please—
Hyunjin smiled desperately, his voice barely a whisper but Chan heard him well, so well.
“Just let me go.”
A loud honk echoed in the night and Chan roughly pushed Hyunjin out of the way, looking at the car’s light blinding him and shutting his eyes, waiting for the impact— only for a loud screech to follow.
“What the fuck is wrong with you ?!”
Chan blinked in surprise, exhaling a relieved breath, all the adrenaline leaving his body and replacing it by exhaustion forcing him to lay on the ground, panting loudly before looking at Hyunjin in disbelief.
Hyunjin bit his lower lip in defeat, “Why did you do this, hyung ? Why can’t you understand ?” he asked, voice cracking as he buried his face in his hands.
“Hyunjin—”
“Why did you fucking jump in front of my car ?! Crazy bastard !”
Chan looked at the driver who was glaring angrily at him. As if he didn’t even notice Hyunjin. Didn’t even notice him in the middle of the road just waiting to be crushed.
Jisung rushed to them, helping Hyunjin up and staring at the scene, which drew more eyes on them.
Chan’s anger left his lips as he stood up, pointing an accusatory finger to him, “Didn’t you see my friend ?!” The driver stared at him as if he was crazy, Chan clenched his jaw, “you could’ve hit him !” pointing to Hyunjin whose head remained low.
The driver looked even more stupefied, following his finger in confusion and Chan decided to ignore him, helping Hyunjin up.
Chan just heard him one last time screaming a “Crazy bastard !” before they decided to leave.
He held Hyunjin’s trembling hand tighter.
“Why did you try doing that ?” Chan asked softly, now that they were at home in fluffy clothes, in Hyunjin and Seungmin’s room. He gently took his hand, brushing his thumb on his soft skin.
He had asked the others to leave them alone, Hyunjin seemed overwhelmed by the situation.
Hyunjin shook his head quickly, eyes already glassy as he stared at him, “Because I’m not real hyung.”
Was he having an episode ? Was he depressed ? Chan didn’t know but he wanted to help him.
Chan frowned worriedly, gently caressing his cheek, “You are, you’re completely real Hyunjinie.”
The younger shook his head again, frustrated, “You don’t understand— hyung you don’t understand—” he choked out, rubbing his eyes roughly and making Chan wince.
“Then explain to me—”
“I am explaining to you but you’re not getting it ! You’re not admitting it !” He yelled, standing up in frustration before abruptly kneeling and cupping Chan’s face, “hyung please, please wake up.”
And Chan’s heart squeezed until it was twisted forever.
He gently brought Hyunjin in his arms, let him cry his heart out, “It’s okay, you’re okay, hyung’s there for you.”
Chan watched Felix trying to snuggle against Jeongin with a happy smile. He kind of wanted to tease Jeongin too.
He got startled when someone kissed his shoulder, looking with wide eyes Hyunjin who smiled worriedly, “Too much ?”
Chan shook his head, the moment finally processing and flushing his whole face, “No— I just— I didn’t expect that, sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Hyunjin replied before hugging the older from behind, pressing his cheek on his shoulder, Chan tried not to freak out at the proximity, “you’re so cute hyung.”
Chan was clearly a volcano now.
“I… I like it,” He whispered shyly, “I don’t mind if you… kiss me,” gosh what was he saying ?
“Even on the lips ?”
Chan took a deep breath before turning himself to find Hyunjin looking surprised. He frowned determinedly, putting his hands on his waist naturally, “You should maybe find out.”
Hyunjin’s surprise morphed into a smile as he leaned closer, “I think the others are going to be jealous.”
“Chan hyung ?”
Chan hummed as he stared at the black sky, tilting his head a bit.
The days went weirder and weirder. Changbin, Minho and Hyunjin’s words echoing in his mind all day and night.
“Open your eyes.”
“Wake up.”
What did they mean by that ?
“Hyung please, can you come down ?” Seungmin’s voice pleaded.
Chan looked at him with a grin before deciding to jump off the edge of their balcony and noticing the weak exhale of the young man, was he still worried he would jump ? “Yeah ? You wanted to tell me something ?”
Seungmin nodded slowly, before taking his hand to drag him away from the balcony. Chan smiled fondly, hugging the younger and following him to the living-room.
“I feel like you have a lot in your mind,” he whispered because the others were clearly all sleeping and Chan felt his heart melt at how cute he was.
He couldn’t help kissing his cheek with a coo, “Seungminie’s a big boy now.”
Seungmin rolled his eyes, before talking in English out of the blue, “Hyung come on.”
Chan giggled as he rested against the couch, eyes staring at the ceiling, “I’ve just been thinking of everything going on,” he trailed, Seungmin hummed, pressing himself against him, “I just… I can’t understand Hyunjinie or Changbin or Minho, they…” his gaze faltered a bit, “they changed.”
Seungmin didn’t answer, simply took his hand to play with it and comfort him.
“I don’t know how I can help them, I don’t even understand what they need anymore,” he continued with a sigh, “but I want to.”
“You really want to ?”
Chan looked at Seungmin whose eyes sparkled in the dim light of their side light, “Yeah,” he whispered.
Seungmin nodded, something resolute and sad, “Then maybe you should listen to them.”
Chan frowned, looking at Seungmin standing up, “And how ? I don’t understand what they say,” Seungmin flashed him a small smile, Chan was even more confused, “how am I supposed to open my eyes ?” he asked, looking at Seungmin going into his room and leaving Chan with more questions than answers.
Chan looked at Seungmin, busy working on his homework.
Chan kind of wanted a kiss.
The others had found out about him kissing Hyunjin and now they all were expecting one. Not like Chan could fight back, all looking too adorable with big anticipating eyes.
So, he simply stood up and sat next to Seungmin, who glanced up before focusing back on his work, “What is it hyung ?”
Chan puckered his lips, closing his book, heart hammering in his chest, “I want a kiss,” he mentally patted himself from not stuttering.
Seungmin paused his movement, blinking for a few seconds before his ears started flaming up, “Really ?”
Chan nodded with a smile, “You’re so cute,” he whispered, not even noticing he had leaned close enough to share their breath together.
“Then what are you waiting for ?” Seungmin asked and Chan didn’t let him wait any longer.
Chan looked at Minho who was soullessly staring at the wall, fingers playing with his phone.
“Min ?”
Minho hummed, sounding tired.
“You didn’t answer me that day,” Chan mumbled, looking at him tensing up, gaze unable to find his.
“I…” he sighed tiredly, “do you really wanna know ?” He asked weakly, shoulders slumped, looking down at his phone.
Chan swallowed his bad feeling, “Yeah.”
Minho turned himself to stare right through Chan’s soul and the older found himself unable to breathe, anticipation rising goosebumps on his skin.
“You need help.”
Chan faltered at his words, they all kept saying that, “I don’t, I’m happy.”
Minho shook his head, gently taking his hands, “You’re not, your— your depression got so bad that you’re blinding yourself with pink tinted glasses—” Chan was ready to retort but Minho frowned sadly, “— you think you’re alright, but you’re not. Hyung, you need help,” and he grimaced even more devastated as he looked him up then down, “you’re so skinny now,” he whispered defeatedly, hanging his head low.
“What are you saying ? I’m literally eating everything you make,” Chan replied softly, cupping his face to see how tearful he was, something that never happened before.
Something tried to click in his brain. (He stopped it before it could.)
“Don’t you think it’s weird then ?” He asked, “You’ve been eating so much and yet you’re only losing weight,” Chan parted his lips, but couldn’t find anything to retort with how ridiculous everything was, what’s going on exactly ? “please hyung, think about it.”
He brought Minho closer, hand caressing the base of his neck, “Gosh, I can’t understand you anymore Min,” he whispered tiredly and desperately wanting to never give up but what could he do now ?
Minho shook his head, “You just don’t want to understand us anymore.”
“You kissed Hyunjin and Seungmin before me ?”
Chan looked at Minho who seemed scandalized, arms crossed on his chest and Chan snorted, “You literally date them.”
Minho puckered his lips, “And that’s outrageous how they decided to cheat on me— on all of us,” and then he looked at the older up then down, “but I guess I would’ve done the same.”
Chan found himself backing off on his bed until his back met the wall while Minho simply followed him with a sweet scary smile, crawling until he was caging the older against the wall.
Chan’s heart was going to break from how fast it was beating.
“Can I have my kiss now ?” He asked cutely and Chan almost forgot he was Minho’s only hyung.
He smiled softly, all the tension fading away to be replaced with a sense of relaxation. It seemed to catch Minho off guard whose ears turned red, “Come here.”
Chan was losing his sanity maybe ?
What was he supposed to do ? Open his eyes ? How ? He didn’t even understand what they meant by that. Wake up ? He was awake and completely fine, he didn’t need to go back to that so-called hospital, didn't need to take his pills because he had his family back.
But what did they mean then ?
All he wanted was to make his family happy and he would make sure of it. They were the only reason for him to continue living.
But how was he supposed to make them happy when they just kept watching him with sorrowful eyes and slumped shoulders ? A confession at the tip of their tongues before they decided all to swallow it ? To keep it to themselves and live in a state of constant lie and guilt ?
Why couldn’t they be happy ? Why couldn’t they understand he was happy ?
He mindlessly let Felix drag him to the kitchen, “Ready to make some cookies ?” his cheerful voice managed to cut his spiraling thoughts, nodding slowly.
“You used to always make some,” Chan uttered pensively, smiling and looking at the younger pulling out the necessities to bake.
Felix giggled happily, “Because I knew you would come back sad and I didn’t want that,” he spoke softly, “you’re better with always a smile on your face.”
Chan parted his lips in surprise, looking up at the younger, “You knew ?”
He never told them anything about his sudden moods, his need to cry day and night, his inability to sleep with so many thoughts blurring his mind. The fact they already knew made his heart hammer in panic.
Felix smiled sympathetically, “We’ve always known hyung, do you really think we don’t care about you ?” He asked with a pout, Chan hastily shook his head, looking away, ears turning pink.
“Sorry, I just— I don’t like it,” He whispered embarrassingly, tears already filling his eyes for no reason. Why did he want to cry ?
Felix hugged him warmly, breath tickling his neck, “I know hyung, we all know you want to be the best hyung for us, but you already are,” he whispered, burying his face on his shoulder and Chan hugged him back, “you’ve always been the best.”
Chan fought back his stubborn tears, Felix smiled, “We’ve all been trying to help you and I hope it worked,” he gently rubbed his hand on his back, “did it work ?”
Chan nodded mutely. He remembered how caring some days they were, especially when his mood would be awful, their gentle touches, making his favorite food, sharing a bath with him, and cuddling with everyone at the end.
It always made him feel better. Oh so much better.
Chan could never thank them enough.
Chan watched Felix putting away the groceries they bought, looking cute and humming softly a song.
Felix seemed to notice him because he tilted his head a bit, “Something’s on your mind ?”
Chan found himself blurting out without meaning to, “I want to kiss you.”
Felix went silent for some seconds before the biggest sunshine smile took his features, “You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed to do that,” he whispered after cupping his face.
Chan smiled, leaning at the soft touches, “Then be my guest.”
“Seungmin hyung told me,” Jeongin spoke softly, gaze focused on his fingers playing with his sleeves, “you wanted to know.”
Chan watched him, “About ?”
Jeongin glanced up, “The truth.”
Chan straightened up at his words, perking up in interest, the truth ? “Yeah.”
Jeongin sighed, sitting on his bed before tackling him into a hug and forcing them to lay down, nuzzling his face in the crook of his neck. Chan let him, passing his hand through his hair slowly.
“I just… we all just wanted you to be happy,” He whispered like a confession of some sort of sin. Chan wondered why, “you’ve been so sad because of us and— and we don’t want to see you like this ever again,” he finished, hugging Chan tighter.
“I’m not sad anymore Inie,” He said gently, “I was, but not anymore.”
Jeongin lifted his head, “But if we tell you the truth you’ll be sad again and maybe you’ll try to do something again and I don't want that— we don’t want that,” he cried out hopelessly, pressing his face against his chest to muffle his cries.
Chan’s mind swirled in confusion and questions, cold wave rising goosebumps on his back, what do you mean ? “I’ll be okay, I promise you.”
Jeongin looked fidgety as he pouted and Chan cooed a bit.
“What is it Inie ?”
Jeongin sighed defeatedly, seeming to give up on what he wanted to say, “Nothing, forget about it.”
But Chan caught his wrist before he could leave his room, he smiled gently at him, “You can ask me.”
Jeongin looked even more worried, as if he was selfish for even thinking to ask, “Are you sure ?”
Chan nodded with a giggle, “Gosh Jeonginie, you’re so adorable.”
Jeongin flushed, “Can you— can you kiss me please ?”
Chan laughed softly, nodding his head, bringing him closer, “Of course,” he whispered.
“Inie told us,” Changbin spoke while they were all eating and stopping everyone’s movements at his words, “you want to know the truth.”
Chan glanced around the table, before nodding, “Yeah.”
“Wait wait wait— hyung are you serious ?” Jisung’s voice piped in, face so pale, Chan thought he would pass out at some point.
“I mean yeah, I wanna understand you all,” He replied softly, giving a small encouraging smile.
Almost all of them seemed to accept his demand, sharing smiles sad to bitter. But not Jisung.
“No wait, hyung, I really think it’s too early,” He added hastily, “you’re not ready— it’s— it’s gonna be—”
“Cut it out Jisung,” Minho hissed, “if he wants to, we’ll do it,” he looked at Chan, “we’ll show you.”
Changbin nodded, the others slowly agreed but Jisung abruptly stood up to grip Chan’s shoulders tightly in a desperate attempt to stop the older. He looked pale and horrified, “Are you sure ? Are you sure you’re ready for what you’re going to see ?”
The way he spoke, panic and fear mixed together didn’t sit well in his stomach, nodding hesitantly, something bad was going to happen, “Yeah,” he breathed out, ignoring his own fear filling his mind.
Jisung’s gaze faltered, dejectedly nodding, “Alright, if you really want to, I can’t stop you.”
Chan didn’t know where the heavy silence came from, a sort of finality, or acceptance ? He didn’t know. He looked at Felix who held his hand in comfort and Chan exhaled a long breath he didn’t know he was holding.
He looked around the place, gaze locking on the graveyard for a second before he understood they were actually going in.
Chan never liked cemeteries. Always only filled with sadness and despair.
His heartbeat picked up unconsciously.
The others started glancing at him every now and then and Chan swallowed the knots forming in the pit of his stomach.
“Why… why did you bring me here ?”
They all stopped in their tracks and Chan hesitantly took a step towards a row of graves.
Seven graves. All nameless.
Changbin patted the edge of one of the graves and Chan felt an unknown dread making him nauseous. His throat turned dry, “There are just nameless graves.”
“There are not,” Changbin replied softly, pointing to the empty space a name was supposed to take, “can’t you see it ?”
He couldn’t help the weird cold feeling taking his back, his heart beating erratically against his ribcage. “There’s nothing there, what are you even talking about ?”
“Chan,” Minho called softly, walking to the grave next to Changbin and kneeling next to it, “You really can’t read it ?” Chan shook his head slowly, eyes shaky as he looked at the nameless grave, there was nothing, what did they want him to find ? “Whose grave is it hyung ? Tell me.”
“No— no one I know,” He argued back, tears burning his glassy eyes, what did they mean ? What’s going on ? I don’t understand I don’t understand— “what prank are you pulling on me—”
“We’re not hyung !” Hyunjin cut him, looking desperate, “I can’t stand seeing you hurting yourself like that ! Just please, please,” he begged as he sniffled, hot tears running on his cheeks as he took a hold of his shoulders, “open your eyes,” his voice was barely a choked whisper.
No no no no no—
Chan shoved his hands away, taking a step back, breaths starting to sound ragged as he stared at the graves, all lined up and for a split second, he swore he saw a name— an all too familiar name, but it disappeared just as fast as his tears fell and he shook roughly his head, “No— no no no— no one— there isn’t— it can’t be—” Chan pushed his hands against his ears, trying to silence everything around him but he could clearly hear their voices, growing closer and closer.
“Chan hyung please, please,” Changbin called desperately, voice cracking and Chan swat his hand away before he could touch him.
“I told you he wasn’t ready !” Jisung’s voice rang in his ears.
Chan looked up to them, tears blurring his vision.
They all looked… gloomy, glint of understanding in their eyes, but all too accepting of the situation.
Chan wasn’t.
He backed off on his butt until he managed to stand up and run.
Run until his lungs gave up, until his muscles burnt, until their voices couldn’t echo in his head.
That couldn’t be possible.
No way, no way, no way.
They can’t be— no, impossible.
Impossible.
Chan didn’t fight the tears running on his cheeks freely nor the nausea gurgling from his throat, pressing his hand on the wall to throw up next to some garbage.
He tiredly sat on the floor, pressing his hands on his eyes to focus on his breathing too shallow for him to not feel light headed, cold sweats building up and making him uncomfortable.
That’s okay. He’d just forget it. Like all the other shits he forgot. He’d lock it in his safebox and just forget.
And everything would be back to normal.
He’s going to go back to his home filled with only his loved ones, with big and kind smiles and he’d cuddle with them, burying his pain under the blanket.
And everything would be better.
Because it never happened in the first place.
Chan hesitantly opened the door after taking a deep breath, peeking his head in the flat.
Silence greeted him.
He slowly stepped in, carefully taking his shoes off before lifting his gaze up when he saw some movement from his peripheral vision.
Jisung.
“Welcome back hyung ! Where were you ?” He sounded cheerful, with a big smile, “we’ve been waiting for you to eat !”
Chan breathed out in relief, grinning back, “Just needed some time alone, but I’m better now.”
He followed the younger to the living room despite having no appetite.
The place was cold and everyone looked up to him, defeated and dull.
Chan ignored the heavy tension resting in his chest.
He’s happy, so so happy.
Chan looked up at Jisung, catching his gaze before he hurriedly looked away, ears turning pink.
Chan smiled teasingly, “Is something wrong Jisungie ?” he occupied his hands with the paperwork of his university he was supposed to give yesterday.
Jisung quickly shook his head, “No, nothing, not at all, everything’s good,” he opened the next page of his book a bit roughly.
Chan tried to stifle his laugh, “You look jealous.”
Jisung looked up from his book, “I’m not !” before focusing back on it.
Chan smiled tenderly, standing up from the kitchen’s chair to the couch. He sat suddenly making Jisung jolt up and glare at him, “What hyung ?”
He really didn't expect Jisung to be the type to be jealous. He was so cute.
He faked a pout, “You don’t want my kiss ?”
Jisung immediately perked up, “Of course I want it ! Please don’t make me wait more,” he whined and Chan laughed, patting his head.
“Come here.”
They didn’t try to show him anything after that.
They simply bathed in his blinded happiness, tried to go along with it.
But Chan knew. His friends were starting to slip from his grasp, looking desperate and not finding the strength to try something again.
Because Chan could take a turning point to roughly and finish with only blood painting his home— their home.
Chan smiled when he found Felix smiling back and Jeongin showing him some games.
Hesitant, but still a first step.
That was okay, they were starting to come back to him on their own.
And Chan loved them even more if possible.
Chan looked up with a groan, “Changbinie, I can’t focus when you stare at me like that.”
Changbin puckered his lips, “Sorry but you finished your set already.”
Chan flushed, putting down the weight on its hold. He didn’t even notice, too focused on Changbin scrutinizing him, “Why didn’t you tell me,” he whined, slapping his chest and making Changbin yelp.
“I told you but you were so focused on checking me out—”
Chan gasped offendedly, “You were checking me out !”
They both stared at each other before bursting out in laughter, sitting on the bench, “Sorry for uh— for checking you out,” Changbin rambled suddenly and Chan looked at him a bit startled by his sudden apology.
He looked worried he had stepped on a boundary and Chan smiled, “No it’s okay, I literally did the same with you, and I don’t mind it if it’s you or the others.”
Changbin nodded slowly, taking his bottle to drink from it, ears red that could easily be excused from their work-out session. “Does that mean you don’t mind it if I kiss you right now ?”
Chan almost choked on his saliva, looking around quickly, face flushed, “Here ? With everyone—” he cut himself when he found Changbin looking unbothered, not even caring of people’s prying eyes, but caring about Chan’s comfort, “— yeah, go ahead.”
“You should maybe go to the psychiatric hospital—”
“No,” Chan cut Seungmin almost with a growl, “it’s useless.”
“It’s not,” The younger retorted.
How many days have passed already ? A few months ? A year perhaps ?
Chan didn’t care.
“Last time I went, you never visited me,” Chan accused with an apprehensive frown, he looked around, no one argued back, “I don’t want to go there if you don’t visit me.”
Changbin squeezed his knee, “We can’t visit you.”
“Why ?” He asked.
“You know why hyung,” Jeongin spoke, gaze finding his own.
Chan didn’t. (He did.)
He shook his head, trying to remember how to breathe.
Minho sighed sadly, Chan watched him go to the kitchen and come back with pills and a glass of water. “Please hyung.”
“But whenever I take them you leave me,” he choked out, rubbing his eyes tiredly and Minho’s gaze shone with empathy and sadness, “I don’t want you to leave me, don’t leave me please.”
“Chan—”
“No ! I’m not gonna take those shits ever again !” He yelled angrily, throwing the pills against the wall hard, and scattering them on the floor, “you keep telling me you care about me but you never—” his words got stuck in his throat, a sudden sob echoing and he bit the inside of his cheek hard, “— you don’t. You don’t care at all. You don’t love me.”
Everyone looked almost offended, but Minho’s tone was calm, almost apaising, and Chan hated him for that, “You really think that ?”
“Yes I do ! You always leave me and I can’t find any of you even if I look around the whole fucking flat ! Why should I care about myself when no one does ?!” He cried out, gripping his hair, “why are you always leaving me ? What did I do ?” He asked weakly, voice shaky and tears already rolling on his cheeks.
Don’t leave me.
Minho sighed tiredly, bringing the oldest into a hug and gently patting his back, “It’s for your sake, you can’t keep lying to yourself Chanie.”
Chan sniffled, “What do you mean by that ?”
He slowly pulled away to see his face and carefully brushed his wet cheek, “It’s time for you to open your eyes.”
Chan shook his head roughly, burying his face in the crook of his neck.
“I don’t want to.”
Don’t force me please.
Someone pressed his hand on his back, “We know hyung,” Seungmin whispered so sadly.
“It will take time to heal you, but don’t forget we’re always by your side,” Felix added gently, kissing the top of his head.
Chan didn’t agree at all, “No please, please, please, please don’t go— don’t leave me—”
Jeongin cupped his face, wiping away his tears, smiled sympathetically, “You’ll be okay, we’re always there,” Minho moved away, letting Jeongin press his hand on his chest, where his heart was, “we’ve always been there.”
Chan sniffled messily when Changbin kneeled in front of him with a small encouraging smile, “We know you feel bad for being the only one to survive, when you never wanted to live,” he whispered shakily, his eyes glassy, “but can you do that for us ? Can you continue living for us ?”
“I— I can’t— not without you,” He choked out, “please.”
Jisung kneeled next to Changbin, “I’m sorry, for helping you blind yourself, and for so much more,” he sniffled, “I just wanted you to be happy,” he trailed and Chan shook his head, stop it please, “but now I know how unhealthy it is, how it’s tearing you,” he looked up at Chan with the most painful gaze, “hyung, you can’t continue like this, we don’t want you to continue like this.”
“But— but I want to,” He replied, voice cracking, he couldn’t lose them.
Not again.
“You’ll be alright,” Hyunjin reassured him, gently carding his hand through his hair, “we’ll go when you’ll let us, promise.”
“Is everyone ready ?” Chan asked with excitement, the others loudly answering like the mess they always were.
“Then let’s go for our holidays !”
Jisung grinned happily as they lined up for the boarding, just teasing each other, “It’s gonna be so cool !”
Minho hummed with a smirk, “How do we divide for the hotel ?” He couldn’t help but ask.
“Let’s do rock, paper, scissors !” Changbin yelled and received a few glares from other people waiting in line. He ducked his head down in embarrassment while the others snickered.
“Yah ! Stop laughing at me !”
They all made a small circle, quickly throwing their fists to find with whom they would sleep.
Minho finished with Changbin, a weird duo but interesting, Hyunjin with Jisung who high-fived each other, Felix with Jeongin— the youngest bawled in agony while Felix giggled happily— and Chan with Seungmin who seemed defeated while the older took the chance to hug him tightly.
“Next person please !”
After all passing the boarding check, they started going through the hallway guiding to their plane, speaking loudly and cheerfully.
“I can’t wait to dive into the sea !” Felix spoke excitedly after they all had decided to go to Australia for the two aussies.
Chan nodded eagerly, Hyunjin and Jisung had already started talking in English making them all laugh with their heavy accents.
They all started to go off their principal plan, wanting to go to the desert, to visit some museums and Chan couldn’t really blame them. There was so much to see, to do and he hoped to spend the most of his time with all of them.
“We’re all glad you’re with us.”
Chan blinked in surprise as they entered the plane, showing their tickets. He looked at Jeongin who was flushing a bit and he grinned, ruffling his hair, “And I’m glad too.”
“Hyung you better be ready for the week of your life !” Changbin yelled from somewhere in the plane earning glares from the workers, Chan laughed.
“We’ll drive you crazy,” Minho added with a mischievous smile before adding softly, “and maybe you’ll tell us your final thought on everything.”
Chan’s ears flushed pink at his words, the others snickering and cooing. He embarrassingly put his bag in the overhead bin, slapping Minho’s shoulder playfully.
Seungmin smiled teasingly, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know ?”
“I— I know,” He retorted weakly, face bursting red, as he sat on his seat, between Jisung and Changbin who wiggled their eyebrows. “It’s— it’s still new for me,” he puckered his lips, and their gazes softened.
“What ? To have so many people love and cherish you ?” Jisung asked in fake shock, earning a slap on his thigh from Changbin. He giggled, “It’s kind of scary in the beginning but you’ll get used to it— actually you’ll never get used to it.”
Changbin snorted, puckering his lips for a kiss exaggeratedly, “Come on, you love us.”
Jisung gagged making him yell completely offended, and Chan snickered, so fond about them bickering that he almost didn’t feel the soft pat on his head, looking up at Felix who grinned.
“Don’t forget you’ll be in one hell of a ride,” He spoke before kissing his head and Chan blushed harder.
“Oh my gosh please,” He whined only earning fond gazes, “you can’t do that to my poor heart.”
Minho plopped his head up with a smirk, mimicking a kiss, “Come here, I’ll kiss it better,” Seungmin slapped his shoulder with a shake of his head and the man simply winked at him.
Chan would die in this plane if they kept doing that.
“Can I kiss you hyung ?” Jisung asked with big sparkly eyes.
The first ones he gave set a fire in their eyes that was hard to put off. Actually, he couldn’t stop them at all. And now that they knew the older had feelings for them and started showing it, they started to ask for more and Chan’s heart would just give in.
He was so weak for them.
But he knew they loved him back. They were just trying to understand his pace and helping him when he was struggling to understand.
Because Chan still found it hard to believe seven men loved him.
So, instead of answering Jisung, he just leaned and pecked his lips, pulling away to find him flushing, completely taken off guard and making Chan giggle, “You’re so cute.”
“I want a kiss too !” Changbin whined and Chan rolled his eyes playfully.
“What ? He’s giving kisses ?” Hyunjin asked, standing up from his seat to look behind at Chan kissing Changbin, “And me ?”
Chan obliged and soon he was kissing them all, heart bursting warmly and gaze shining with adoration.
It wasn’t long before the plane started taking off, all taking pictures or video of the moment and Chan shook his hands excitedly.
Because he would finally tell them all he was ready.
He was ready to dive in, to let himself be loved by them and to love them back just as much.
But red lights started, loud noises echoing and they all looked at each other with worried frowns when the plane started being unstable.
Screams echoed when the plane suddenly tipped and oxygen masks abruptly fell to hang in front of them messily— Chan looked at Jisung scared and freaking out, the others on the same state, Changbin was holding his hand tightly— Chan saw the cloud of smoke coming from one of the engine and his breath caught in his throat.
It was too late.
Chan woke up with his skull pounding hard, blurry lights coming into focus and hot waves burning his skin.
He coughed, his ears ringing slowly tuning down to hear the loud screams of pain and agony from some passengers, a disgusting metal taste in his mouth and his first thought was to look for his family— his lovers.
He groaned when he tried to move, looking down at his leg, bent at an awkward angle and he huffed, lungs burning at every breath, looking around to find them— anyone—
His gaze locked on one, then slowly found all the others.
His heart understood before his mind could.
A scream ripped its way from his throat.
Chan entered the cemetery after buying a bouquet of seven heliotropes. He walked slowly, taking his time to look around.
How long since he came here last time ?
Three months ago exactly.
The sky was a light blue, the wind tenderly brushing his skin, the tree's branches gently swaying a greeting.
Chan’s gaze locked on a row of graves.
He stopped in front of them and took a deep breath before exhaling.
“I think I’m ready,” He whispered just for them to hear, “I’m ready to let you all go.”
Someone squeezed his shoulder encouragingly.
Chan smiled sadly as he gently put one flower on each grave.
He straightened himself, brought his hands together and closed his eyes to pray. “I’ll miss you but I’ll try to continue living. For you all. I love you.”
“We love you too hyung.”
Chan opened his eyes, turning himself to find no one.
The cemetery was empty.
There was only him.
Chan smiled shakily and let his tears run down his cheeks.
He took a deep breath, his smile eased.
His heart too.
It’s okay. He would need some time and then he would be okay.
He left the cemetery, deciding to go visit his old friends.
Chan never felt he was worth someone. So, having seven people saying the opposite was hard to believe.
He looked at them playing around, some sharing kisses and he felt like he was too much, wondering if it wouldn’t be better to leave them alone, between lovers in their intimate moments.
But they made it sure he understood they wanted him too.
Chan fidgeted anxiously, what was he supposed to do ?
They had called him to come stay a day with them in their flat and just sleep all together but Chan felt he was too much, gosh he shouldn’t have said yes—
“You okay ?”
Chan jolted up looking at Felix who had sat next to him, while the others fought at bringing the mattresses for the night in the living-room for a good old cuddle time, “Yeah,” he whispered, he knew he didn’t sound convincing and didn’t dare look at Felix, “I just… I don’t really understand why…” he didn’t manage to finish his sentence when he noticed everyone had gone quiet to pay attention to him.
Chan flushed, “Nothing.”
Felix gently hugged him from the side, pressing his cheek on his shoulder, “We’re there if you want to talk.”
The others agreed quickly and Jeongin worriedly asked, “Are we going too fast for you ?”
Chan almost gasped, shaking his head quickly, “No ! Not at all ! I just,” he trailed, gaze falling on his lap, “I don’t understand why you want me ? Why do you… love me ?” he stuttered hesitantly, tip of his ears pink.
When he looked back at them, he found himself blushing even more because they all were looking fond with kind smiles and others pouting completely offended by what he meant.
“Hyung, there’s not really a reason for that except that you’re you,” Hyunjin replied, making finger hearts, the others quickly joined him and Chan laughed shyly, rubbing his earlobe embarrassingly.
It was such a simple reason, a reason he could use back for them and his heart relaxed because he knew they were honest. They were always honest with him, maybe even too much. But Chan was thankful because they were easy to read.
They loved him.
And he loved them back.
He wished he could say those simple three words but he swallowed them back for the perfect moment. Instead he grinned, “I kind of want to kiss you all.”
They all perked up, and Chan laughed as they started fighting for who would have the first kiss of the night.
He smiled, eyes shining with the love he had for them.
I love you.