Chapter 1: title card
Chapter Text
if i had to read these andmy sister had to read these so do you have to read these
Chapter 2: Tarkin vz Lord Farquad
Summary:
Tarkin meats Lard Farkid n thy fit 2 dad ETH
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
after eln had leevd him in hte sand tarkuin was MAD. his son had droped him on a hid desert adm didnt apopoligze!
sufdenny, LORDS FARQUAADS GOSTS!
"helo" sed the godts "my nam is lorde farquid."
"i m tarkuiin" sad tarqin.
"fite me m9" saided farqid./div
"u wor m70" tarquin stanbed the sand agrily madly.
"1v1 mii skruuv" sedd farqwadz.
yarqwin gotted his rapper m slicd farqogs goat.
"gaha u cnanot kil mii for i m alreddy DED!" fatquaad shuoted sexily.
"ue too secy tooo live!" tarqin complimented mademly. then he grabed gun m shopted farquad.
farquid desu.
"sugoi" farquin shooted cuz he was sexretly frum azer citi.
DUN DUN DUN
to b cuntinyood?
Notes:
this one was maent to be bad dont worry
Chapter 3: Silence
Summary:
Creatures from The Outside have entered the Raposa's town, and Salem has taken over. Jowee, Mari, and Heather have barely escaped. Teaming up with Sock and Silence, two Raposas they met in The Outside, they must reclaim their town. Their only problem: they don't know how.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 1
There is an island with a small town on it. In this town live creatures known as Raposa. Outside their town is unknown, but they know it's full of creatures. The Creator built the town to protect them, but one day, the worst of the creatures got in...
Salem stood outside the town. Behind him stood Mewtwo one of the most evil creatures from The Outside. The two of them had planned to enter the city and destroy it from the inside, but only Salem could enter, as in this form, he was a Raposa.
Salem walked into the town, watching all the Raposa as they stared at his dark cloak, top hat, and opera mask. He strolled to the Town Hall, where the Mayor was watching over the town.
"Mayor."
The Mayor looked at him and gasped. "Th-there's no way!" he said. "You...you were-"
"First thing you should know about me, Mayor: I never stay dead." Salem transformed into his true form, Wilfre.
The Mayor tried to defend himself, but one kick from the Shadow Raposa killed him.
Becoming Salem again, Wilfre made an announcement:
"Residents of this town! I am your new mayor now! And as mayor, I decree that all creatures from The Outside can roam freely!"
"Doesn't the Legislative Branch have to give you that law first?" asked one Raposa.
"...shut up with your political politics," Salem replied.
Mewtwo entered the town. The Raposa tried to fight back, but to no avail. Three Raposa ran to The Outside, as their town was no longer safe. Their names were Jowee, Mari, and Heather.
"What can we do now?" Jowee said. "Salem's destroyed the town with his new law, and we have nowhere to go!"
"We just need to find my father," said Mari. "He'll know what to do."
"But how can we get to him?" asked Jowee. "Those two...things...are destroying the town!"
"THERESARAPOSARIGHTTHERE!" Heather yelled suddenly, pointing at some bushes. A Raposa with a sock on his head walked out.
"Hi!" he said. "My name is Sock!"
"That's a stupid name," said Jowee.
"I can help you defeat Salem!" said Sock.
"Your name is amazing," said Jowee. "I love your name. I want to name my firstborn after you."
"How can you help us?" Mari asked.
"It's a surprise," said Sock.
"THERESANOTHERRAPOSA!" Heather shouted, pointing behind Sock. A small Raposa around Heather's age walked in front of Sock, wearing nothing but a pink cape.
"What's your name?" Mari asked. The Raposa stayed silent.
"Let's call him 'Silence,'" Jowee suggested.
"That's the stupidest name ever," said Sock unironically.
Silence pointed deeper into The Outside, wanting the Raposa to follow. They did.
Notes:
i was REALLY into Drawn to Life back in the day.
i think it's important to note that "Silence" is supposed to be Mew.
Chapter 4: The Raposa Centipede
Summary:
After his death at the blade of the Hero, Wilfre decides to enact his revenge on the Raposa. And what better way to do that than sewing them together?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
WARNING: THIS FIC, IF YOU COULDN'T ALREADY TELL, IS A CROSSOVER BETWEEN DRAWN TO LIFE AND THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. DUE TO THE NATURE OF BOTH SERIES, THIS FIC IS NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS, PUBLIC READING, OR PUBLIC READING AROUND MINORS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Dr. Cure returned home late that night. Things had been surprisingly busy at the hospital since Wilfre had died, and she could use some rest. She lay down on her bed and fell asleep quickly.
She dreamt she was in a large castle. She looked around at the stained glass windows and statues of her town's Hero. She walked down the long corridor, her curiosity far outweighing her common sense. As she walked, she heard what sounded like a little boy laughing. She continued walking through the hall, each step harder for her to take than the last. She looked around the eerie castle until finally, she entered the throne room. Sitting on the throne was a familiar shadowy figure.
"It's been a while, Dr. Cure," Wilfre said, looking up at the doctor.
"You?!" Dr. Cure asked. "But how did you-"
Wilfre laughed. "Foolish Raposa," he said, a hint of amusement in his voice, "shadows never die. They disappear, but they can never truly die."
"It doesn't matter!" Cure shouted at the former Raposa. "The Creator will-"
"Do you really believe your 'Creator' cares about you?!" Wilfre interrupted. "If he did, would he let THIS happen?!"
He jumped into Dr. Cure, forcing his way into her soul.
Cure awoke with a gasp. She looked around her room, panting, then realized it was just a dream.
But her door was gone.
She pounded on the wall where it once was, not noticing the shadow slowly crawling up her body. She soon collapsed on the floor. When she finally awoke, she gave out a demonic laugh. The next three Raposa to knock on her door would be in for quite a...crappy time.
Notes:
i will not be taking questions at this time
i was weirdly obsessed with The Human Centipede back when i wrote this. i hadn't even seen the damn movie yet. when i finally did, it was kinda disappointing? the second one didn't disappoint though, that one is BRUTAL.
Chapter 5: My Little South Park (Chapter 1: An Unwanted Prize)
Summary:
Dying, waffles, chaos. Just another normal day for the South Park boys.
Notes:
this is the chapter the "possible homophobia" tag was in reference to. honestly i'm bi and i still don't know how offensive that bit is, idk tread carefully around the part with Cartman i guess?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
It was a normal day in South Park. Snow covered everything, Al Gore was being serial about Manbearpig, Chinpokomon toys were lying around, and Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were about to go on the biggest adventure of their lives.
The four boys walked over to a strange van. A woman in a costume that completely covered her body stood near it, pointing to a wheel. On the wheel were many large spaces that said "LOSE," as well as four spaces that said "WIN."
"How much to spin?" asked Cartman. The woman gave no answer. Cartman shrugged and spun the wheel. He watched closely as it landed on "WIN."
Cartman cheered. "What's my prize?" he asked. The woman took him inside the van.
The same thing happened with Kyle, Stan, and Kenny, with each landing on a different "WIN" spot. They all went inside the van.
The woman looked at them. She pulled a lever, and the four boys were sent through a portal.
"Are you all right, sugarcube?" asked a strange voice. Stan looked up and saw an orange pony with white freckles, blonde mane, and a brown hat poking him. He screamed.
"Y-you can talk?!" Stan asked, slightly weirded out by a talking pony.
"Of course I can talk," said the pony, confused. "I'm a pony, not a tree!" She laughed. Stan was confused.
"Where am I?" he asked.
"Why, Ponyville, of course!" said the pony. "My name's Applejack! What's yours?"
"I'm Stan," said Stan.
"Howdy, Stan!" said Applejack. "Come inside! I'll introduce you to my family!!" She dragged Stan inside a barn.
"Now," she said, "meet Big Macintosh, Granny Smith, and Apple Bloom! Apple Family, meet Stan!"
Big Mac waved. Granny Smith looked up. Apple Bloom jumped on Stan. "He doesn't have a Cutie Mark!!" she exclaimed happily.
"What's a 'Cutie Mark?'" asked Stan.
"Come on," said Apple Bloom, "I'll tell you all about it!"
"Wake up," a filly with a US Eastern accent said.
"Not now, mom," said Kyle.
The pony jumped on Kyle. He screamed. "WHAT THE F[watermelon] WAS THAT FOR?!" he yelled.
"You wouldn't wake up," said the filly. "Who are you?"
"Who are you?!" asked Kyle.
"My name's Babs Seed," said the filly.
"Kyle Broflovski," said Kyle, then he realized something. "You're a talking pony," he said.
"So are you," said Babs, showing the formerly-human Earth Pony a mirror. Kyle screamed.
"This must be some kind of dream!!" he shouted.
"Nope," said Babs, "it's real."
Kyle sighed. "Where are my friends?!" he asked.
Babs shrugged.
"Oh, you're very helpful," Kyle said sarcastically.
Cartman woke up in a hot air balloon that was resting on a cloud.
"Oh, good," said a blue pony with rainbow mane. "You're awake."
"Get away from me, you gay pony," said Cartman.
The pony's eye twitched. "What did you just call me?" she asked angrily.
"Gay," said Cartman.
The pony growled and attacked Cartman, beating him to the point where he was nearly unconscious. "Nopony calls Rainbow Dash 'gay.'"
"But I'm not a pony," said Cartman.
"Yeah you are," said an orange pony with purple mane. "You're an Earth Pony, so we had to put you in a balloon before you fell and got hurt."
"Quiet, Scootaloo," said Rainbow Dash. "Now, anyway..."
Kenny had no idea how it had happened, but he was out of his parka and in the most fabulous and comfortable pajamas he had ever worn. "Where am I?" he asked, stretching his wings.
"Why, in Ponyville, of course," said a white pony with blue mane and a sorta-English accent. "I assume you're from Cloudsdale?"
"Nope," said Kenny, "I'm from South Park."
"Never heard of it," said the pony. At that moment, a white filly with multi-colored mane trotted over to Kenny. "What's your name?" she asked.
"Kenny," said Kenny.
"I'm Sweetie Belle," said the filly. "Nice to meet you."
"I'm Rarity, said the first pony. "Now, you two go play while I work on this very important dress." Sweetie and Kenny went outside.
Notes:
we've left FanFiction Dot Net and have gone on to FIMFiction Dot Net. FIMFiction was where most of my fics went until a few years ago. look, ya brony once, you can never go back.
i read this with my sister recently (it was how i got the idea for this anthology), and she got on my case about describing Rarity's mane as blue instead of purple. i could've sworn it was blue, but no, it's actually a somewhat dark purple.
something you might've noticed is the strange censorship. it was a reference to Friendship is Witchcraft (specifically the episode "Lunar Slander", where the running gag was that the creators legally couldn't say "apple"). i did it because this was originally rated T back on FIMFiction, and as we all know, if a teenager reads the fuck word, they die.
...DIamond Tiara is best pony...
(how does this have 47 kudos but only 27 views??? how does this have 47 kudos in general???)
Chapter 6: My Little South Park (Chapter 2: The First Male Members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!)
Summary:
i don't really have anything to put here so uh
if you actually read this summary comment with your favorite Sprite flavor (mine's Vanilla)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"So," said Stan, "my Cutie Mark shows my talent?" Apple Bloom nodded, taking him to a tree house.
"We've got to find my friends!" Kyle said, following Babs to a treehouse.
"I'm, like, way cooler than Rainbow Dash," said Cartman. Scootaloo rolled her eyes and led him to a treehouse.
Kenny said something Sweetie Belle couldn't understand, as he was wearing his parka. Sweetie sighed and led him to a treehouse.
The eight of them met up in front of the treehouse. The boys cheered. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were confused.
The four boys sat in the treehouse.
"Now for the heavily abridged initiation," said Scootaloo, holding up a somewhat long piece of paper.
"That doesn't look abridged to me," said Cartman.
"Shut up," said Scootaloo. "Now, anyway..." She read the paper.
We are gathered here today to welcome the newest member/members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. [INSERT NAME(S) HERE], you are now about to go on a journey to discover your takent, whether it be fighting monsters with giant candy canes or making pillows or even taming dragons. So, welcome to our club, and may the Horse be with you.
The boys blinked.
"What the actual f[SPAGHETTI] was that?" asked Cartman.
"Just join the dang club," said Apple Bloom.
"Ok," the boys said in unison.
Sweetie Belle showed them around the approximately 5x5x5-foot treehouse.
Kyle sat in a corner, reached into his hat, pulled out a Dreidel, and spun it. Babs walked over.
Kenny sat outside, looking at the sky. Sweetie Belle joined him.
Cartman was being fat. Scootaloo watched.
Stan and Apple Bloom talked.
"So you're saying that this place has almost no crime?" asked Stan. Apple Bloom nodded.
"And the best part is, whenever we're in danger, the Princess and her friends save us!" Apple Bloom said. Stan smiled.
Kyle watched the dreidel spin, thinking about Ike. "I bet he misses me," he said.
Cartman was fat and anti-Semitic, as usual.
Kenny sighed and removed his hood. "I've been to Heaven a few times," he said, "but I usually end up in Hell."
"What are you talking about?" asked Sweetie Belle.
Kenny whispered a secret to Sweetie. She gasped. "But..."
Babs sat next to Kenny.
Scootaloo sat on Cartman.
Apple Bloom tackled Stan.
They were all thinking the same thing: Equestria was a wonderful place.
Notes:
GET IT KYLE PULLED OUT A DREIDEL BECAUSE HE'S JEWISH DO YOU GET IT DO YOU UNDERSTAND
jegus, i should have been laughed off the internet for writing this shit. shoulda been Chris Chan 2: Electric Boogaloo. the Chris-ening.
i was really into roleplaying back in the day, and i kinda wrote a lot of this fic the way my friends and i used to write RPs. my writing may not be great now, but at least i've improved noticeably since THAT. now i just have characters sigh every two paragraphs.
Chapter 7: My Little South Park (Chapter 3: Mare-Do-Well's New Identity)
Summary:
sprouting bulb baby im so sorry im so sorry i did this to you
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Discord sat in a small, dark room. He sighed, wondering when the Changeling would be here. She had promised to meet him, after all, and if she didn't come...well, chaos, obviously.
At that moment, a pair of completely blue eyes-Changeling eyes-glowed in the dark.
"So," said Discord, "you decided to show up. I was almost worried I would have to kill you."
The Changeling scoffed. "Kill me?" she asked. "There's no other Changeling, male or female, that hates Equestria and its ponies enough to help you, of all creatures, destroy it."
"True," said Discord, "but I do control chaos, so I could create a Discorded Changeling for this."
The Changeling nodded and stepped out of the shadows.
"If only you weren't a fillycuddler," said Discord. "You would make a wonderful queen, 1500."
1500 the Changeling nodded, putting on the Mare-do-Well costume. "This is ironic," she said. "A Changeling disguised as a superhero who will destroy Equestria."
"Well, you know how much I love irony," said Discord. "Now go!"
1500 left, and now the world would know her as The Mysterious Mare-do-Well.
Notes:
I JUST WANT TO EXPLAIN THAT "FILLYCUDDLER" IN THIS CONTEXT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN "LESBIAN"
HOOOO boy, i have a lot to explain about this character, but i think it'd be best to wait for the final chapter, so look forward to that.
i should probably explain the "1500" thing, though. before Thorax was introduced, it was a widespread headcanon that non-queen Changelings had numbers instead of names. after Thorax was introduced, i changed her name to Spinneret. you know, the thing spiders use to spin webs. no other reason for it.
it never fucking leaves you
(Blue Eyes-Changeling Eyes-Glowed is my favorite Yu-Gi-Oh card btw)
Chapter 8: My Little South Park (Chapter 4: Dude, Where's My Cartman?)
Summary:
i've never actually seen "Dude, Where's My Car". is it any good?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MONSTER HUNTERS!!!!" the CMC shouted together.
"Let me sleep," said Cartman.
"It's, like, 5 in the morning," said Kyle.
"Someone kill me," said Kenny.
Apple Bloom jumped on Stan. "Wake up, Stan!" she shouted. "We're going monster hunting!"
Stan woke up. They all went to the Everfree Forest to hunt for monsters.
"This is pretty f[YAY]ing lame, you guys," said Cartman.
"Shut up, fatflank," said Kyle.
"Stop arguing!" Apple Bloom yelled. "You'll attract monsters!"
"Isn't that why we're here?" asked Stan.
"...shut up," said Apple Bloom. They bumped into something big.
"Oh," said Stan.
"My," said Kyle.
"God," said Cartman.
Kenny sighed through his hood.
"It's a Changeling hive!" Sweetie Belle shouted, squeezing Kenny. Kenny gasped for air. Sweetie let go. "Sorry."
Cartman rushed in. Several screams were heard, then silence. When the CMC looked in, all that was there was nothing. No Changelings, no Cartman, no nothing. The boys cheered.
"Do we have to look for him?" asked Kyle. "I mean, he was kind of a jerk to us."
"We do!!" Scootaloo shouted. "Who else would?!"
"That's kinda the point," said Stan. Scootaloo bucked his face.
"Well," she said, "I'm going!" She left angrily.
The remaining CMC, including the boys, sighed and followed.
Cartman sat in a dark, round room, completely tied up. Mare-do-Well walked in and turned on the lights, revealing three corpses: a green Pegasus with dark green, leaf-like mane, a purple unicorn cyborg with spiky, gold mane, and a blue Earth Pony with white, cloud-like mane.
"Do you like it?" asked Mare-do-Well. "It's what happens when you're a terrible leader; you get your team killed." She looked down sadly. "There's no way to bring them back now."
"Who the f[BUY SOME APPLES]k are you?!" Cartman asked.
"Why, I'm Mare-do-Well," said Mare-do-Well. "I'm the reason you're in Equestria, and I'm the reason you'll never see South Park again."
"What have you done to my home?!"
"Oh," said Mare-do-Well, "why don't I just show you?" She turned on a screen, showing South Park in ruins.
"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Cartman shouted. Mare-do-Well laughed.
"I guess it's true what they say," she said.
"What do they say?" asked Cartman.
"I 'unno," said Mare-do-Well, "but it's true,"
"How do you know it's true when you don't know what it is?"
"Shut up, that's how!"
Cartman sighed. "Can I go back now?" he asked.
"Nope," said Mare-do-Well.
"Ok, just checking," said Cartman.
Notes:
yeah, this one's just bad. i couldn't keep a consistent tone to save my life. then again, neither can a lot of professional writers. if i had a nickel for every time a serious scene was interrupted by some dumb joke, i could probably buy like a Lunchable or something.
in case you hadn't figured it out yet, there was supposed to be sort of a Crusaders x South Park boys thing going on in this fic, but it really only worked out with Sweetie Belle and Kenny. that's an actual pairing tag on this site, by the way, but for some reason the page only shows this fic. wonder what happened there.
Chapter 9: My Little South Park (Chapter 5: Mare-Do-Well's Minions)
Summary:
best pony finally appears
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon smirked. Another day of shoving ponies into mud and teasing them was done. Nothing could possibly go wrong for them.
At that moment, Mare-do-Well appeared before them. The two bullies huddled together, scared. Mare-do-Well laughed as her eyes glowed bright red.
The CMC sighed. Cartman was nowhere to be found. They sat in their clubhouse, so bored that even watching Kyle's dreidel spin was fun (or maybe it was fun because there was no Cartman to say anti-Semitic things). They sighed. Scootaloo looked out the window and up at Cloudsdale. "I should go home," she said, then left.
Sweetie Belle looked at Kenny. She was the only one in Equestria who knew and believed his secret, and she felt like she had to tell someone. But she was Kenny's friend; she couldn't give away his secrets! She sighed. Kenny looked at her. Whats she thinking about? he asked himself. He looked at his wings. He looked at the ceiling and almost teared up, thinking about his secret. He knew he might never see this place again. He looked down. Sweetie hugged him. Kenny looked at Sweetie. Sweetie looked at Kenny. She felt like she could--
Just then, hoofsteps approached the clubhouse. Apple Bloom walked up to the door and gasped. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were here, but they had completely bright red eyes. The two of them pushed her aside and searched the clubhouse. Diamond Tiara pushed Sweetie Belle away from Kenny and ran off with him. Sweetie teared up. Silver Spoon grabbed Sweetie Belle and ran off with her.
Apple Bloom, Babs Seed, Stan, and Kyle watched. They had lost two friends, and there was nothing they could do about it. They sighed and went back to watching Kyle's dreidel spin.
Sweetie Belle and Kenny hung upside-down from the ceiling, suspended by chains. Diamond Tiara walked up to Kenny. "Any last words before we kill you?"
"Yes," Kenny said, then looked Diamond Tiara straight in the eyes. "I can't die."
Notes:
wait hang on, i'm 100% certain 1500 couldn't hypnotize.
also why did i think Scootaloo lived in Cloudsdale??? was it Rainbow Factory? i bet it was Rainbow Factory.
also these kids are pretty chill about their friends disappearing. i can't imagine this is something that happens to them often.
i'm imagining Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon holding up Kenny and Sweetie Belle like in Disgaea and like if they throw Kenny he explodes like a Prinny
Chapter 10: My Little South Park (Chapter 6: Kenny's Slow and Painful Death)
Summary:
the one with da gore
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"Can't die, huh?" asked Diamond Tiara. "We'll see about that." She grabbed a knife and stabbed it through Kenny's chest. Silver Spoon gave Kenny a potion that would force him to live through all this.
Diamond Tiara cut through Kenny's chest. Sweetie Belle screamed in horror as she saw him being dissected. Diamond Tiara first removed the kidneys. She looked at the organs and tossed them away, to a strange monster in the darkness. She removed the bladder next, also feeding it to the monster. She moved on to the stomach and cut it open, letting the contents spill out. She fed the empty stomach to the monster. She removed the liver and tossed it aside, as well as the lungs. Finally, she removed Kenny's heart and force-fed it to him. "Let's see you not die now," Diamond said. The potion wore off, killing Kenny. Sweetie Belle teared up, watching Kenny hang from the ceiling, a lifeless, incomplete corpse. She threw up on Silver Spoon.
"Your turn," said Diamond Tiara, turning towards Sweetie Belle. Suddenly, Sweetie Belle had a burst of magic, strong enough to knock both bullies unconscious. After five hours of tugging on her chains, she freed herself and looked for a way out.
Apple Bloom answered the door and saw Sweetie Belle. One look in her friend's eyes told her what had happened to Kenny. She turned to the others. "I'm afraid we have some...unfortunate news," she said, tearing up. "One of our Crusaders is...gone." The four fillies cried.
"Oh my God!" Stan exclaimed. "They killed Kenny!"
"You b[AAAAAAPLOOSA]ds!!" Kyle shouted.
Sweetie Belle sat outside the clubhouse, crying. She had lost too many friends. She wiped away her tears and stood up, heading back into the clubhouse.
"I know this seems hopeless," she sang, "with one Crusader gone."
"But we'll defeat our enemies," sang Apple Bloom.
"Why are we singing this song?" sang Kyle and Stan.
"Together we will save Equestria," sang Babs, "from what it needs saving from!"
"We will save Equestria," they all sang, "after we finish this song!"
The Crusaders marched to the train station. "We'll need all the help we can get," said Babs, "so I'm bringing over the CMC Manehatten Branch!" They rode to Manehatten.
As soon as they got to Manehatten, they saw some pony they did not expect: Mare-do-Well. On her back was Cartman, tied up completely.
Notes:
look, this is an OLD MLP fic. this was back when Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory were popular. hell, i read Sweet Apple Massacre in seventh grade.
also the Manehattan Crusaders never actually showed up. lazy assholes.
shout-out to the guy on FIMFiction who commented the entirety of "La Resistance" from "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" under this chapter.
Chapter 11: My Little South Park (Chapter 7: The Climactic Battle, Part 1)
Summary:
also the only part but shhhhh
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Kenny woke up in his bed, back at South Park. He looked down, remembering the friends he may never see again.
Mare-do-Well laughed evilly. "What are you going to do, fillies and colts?" she asked. "Kill me? Well, I'll just kill you first!" Her eyes glowed bright red as fire surrounded Kyle and Babs. Sweetie growled.
"You can't do that!!" she shouted.
"I just did," said Mare-do-Well, laughing evilly.
Sweetie jumped at Mare-do-Well, only to be hit by a harmless fireball. She growled and threw the knife Diamond Tiara had used on Kenny at Mare-do-Well. Mar-do-Well hissed as green blood oozed from the wound. She growled and revealed her true form. The Crusaders gasped.
"What is that?!" asked Stan.
"A Changeling," Apple Bloom explained. "She changes into some pony you love and feeds off of your love for them."
1500 laughed. "I am no ordinary Changeling," she said. "I was once a pony, just like you. Until I was captured by that idiot 5. Then, Queen Chrysalis bit me, turning me into a Changeling. Since the real 1500 was killed by your kind, I became the new 1500."
"That doesn't mean we won't try to kill you!" Babs shouted.
1500 laughed, the height of the fire around her and Kyle rising.
"But you forgot one thing," said Kyle. "One little, tiny thing."
"Oh?" asked 1500, intrigued. "And what might that be?"
"I'm not a pony," Kyle said, jumped out of the flames, and landed on 1500's back. "I am a human."
Babs, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle gasped. 1500 laughed. "You'll still fall like a pony!" she shouted, attempting to buck Kyle off. Kyle held on.
He grabbed 1500's wings and tugged hard. 1500 yelped in pain. Kyle then flipped 1500 onto her back, placing himself under her. 1500 stood up and laid a holed hoof on Kyle. Kyle struggled to move.
Just then, a surge of magic hit 1500. Kyle turned and saw that his friend, Stan the Unicorn, had saved him. He gritted his teeth. He knew this battle was far from over.
Notes:
yeah, i was trying to set up for a sequel, then i never actually wrote the sequel because i couldn't think of human names for the Crusaders and by the time i had some i just didn't care anymore
speaking of butt fucking nothing, Pokemon Legends Arceus is coming out like tomorrow, who are y'all picking as your starter? i'm leaning towards Rowlet, personally. also please do not post spoilers in the comments i wanna be surprised by this game
EDIT: OH RIGHT, i was gonna talk about 1500 here.
essentially, she started out as just a doodle i did in art class in seventh grade, trying to come up with something for a project. i wound up naming the doodle "Sprouting Bulb". that was March 20. her tenth anniversary is coming soon, i should really do something for that.
anyway, i eventually decided that i would make her (him at the time, more on that later) a Changeling because, dammit, Changelings are cool. then, while dicking around on Google+, i found a secret agent-themed MLP Roleplay community, which i joined and promptly did nothing with. but one of the mods had another MLP roleplay community (called "War for Equestria", GOG so many memories, there was a story arc with the Mane 6 coming back, Nightmare, there was a brief controversy when the owner decided to ban Time Lord characters, good times all around), so i joined that, and that's when Sprout's backstory began to develop.
as it turned out, the Sprout in War for Equestria wasn't the original Sprout, but rather Sprouting Bulb CN50 (Clone Number). he'd been kidnapped as a colt and had experiments run on him, being cloned back to life every time he died. ignoring other War for Equestria and miscellaneous roleplays involving alternate universes and time travel, he eventually learned that "he" had become a filly at some point in the cloning process. the Changeling thing happened a bit later down the line. kinda funny how you can think you're one gender and then realize you're a different one, huh? ;3 (i swear i didn't know at the time)
after a while, i decided that CN49 was part of a team of other genetically-modified superheroes, with Sprout gaining pyrokinesis (Pyro's my TF2 main). the exchange was she would feel immense pain from water (which did come into play a couple times), and her life was supported by metal hoof with a retractable flamethrower; if that was removed, she'd die. the tree base was created solely because i thought it was cool, fuckin sue me.
eventually, CN50 died, and was revived as CN51. then CN51 died, and CN52 was created, but without accelerated aging, so she stayed a baby. CN51 also came back as a ghost, who would occasionally possess CN52. you know Ace Attorney? it was like the Fey Clan.
and no, hypnosis never once came into play. again, i don't know what was up with that.
anyway after a while i got deep into cringe culture and decided to change her to just be a Changeling named Spinneret who wanted to become a famous pianist so she could feed off the love of her fans. i only ever once drew her as a reformed Changeling, as a stick pony in Round Trip's "The Ending of the End in a nutshell" video. there's a pony search tool linked in the pinned comment, search "Spinneret" in that to find her.
anyway, that's 1500. i still know a few people from those old roleplays, i should really talk to them again.
Chapter 12: My Little South Park (Chapter 8: Suddenly Remembering)
Summary:
"Stick of Truth" is actually what got me to start watching South Park
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
1500 growled. "I'm not done yet!" she shouted, then pulled a lever, sending the Crusaders through a portal.
Cartman sighed with relief. "Oh, good, the town's ok," he said.
"Where are we?" asked Sweetie Belle.
"South Park," replied Stan, looking around. "And by the looks of things...outside Kenny's house."
Sweetie Belle teared up. "It would only be fair to tell his family what happened," she said, knocking on the door. Kenny answered, wearing his parka. Sweetie Belle gasped. "You're alive?!" she asked. Kenny nodded. Sweetie Belle hugged him. "But I watched you die!!" she said. Kenny's eyes widened as he removed his parka.
"Y-you remember?" he asked. The Crusaders nodded. "But...but how?! Nobody ever remembers!"
"Can we come in?" asked Kyle.
"No way," said Cartman. "He's too poor. Let's go to Douchebag's house."
"Hello, Douchebag," said Cartman.
"It's Dovahkiin," said Dovahkiin, obviously more talkative since he helped stop the Nazi Zombies.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Douchebag," said Cartman. "Just let us in." Dovahkiin let the kids in.
The eight of them sat in Dovahkiin's room and explained everything to him. Dovahkiin nodded.
"So," said Kenny, "we're stuck here for a while."
"Well," said Dovahkiin, "there's not much I can do about it. Unless I can suddenly travel through dimensions by farting." The female Crusaders looked at each other in disgust.
"So the Changeling wins," said Kyle sadly.
"I guess so," said Cartman.
Sweetie hugged Kenny. "At least we're here, together."
"Except for Scootaloo," said Apple Bloom.
"...balls," said Cartman.
TO BE CONTINUED
Notes:
well, that's that on that. again, i never wrote the sequel. i mean, i started it, but it's very much not finished in the slightest.
next up is uhhhhh something with scps i think??? idk what else to say so heres touch tone telephone
I think it's time
For you to know
The awful truth
The truth about me, and the truth about you
'Cause you're a brand new species
Big cat (Uh oh!)
Space Nazis, Robert Stack (Uh oh!)
God damn it, gonna snap (Oh, oh oh oh oh)
Leonard Nimoy, call me back (Call me back!)I try to call you every day
I'm rehearsing what to say
When the truth comes out (Of my very own mouth)
I've been working on a unified theory
If I make it through tonight everybody's gonna hear me out
'Cause I'm the right one
On my touch-tone, touch-tone telephone
I'm the only one
On your A.M., A.M. radioOh, I'm crying now
Authentic tears
They flow out of me when I think about you
'Cause you're the only person in the world who'd understand
'Cause you're the only person in the world who'd understand the meaning of this
Oh my God!
I try and I try and I try (To make you listen to me)I try to call you every day
I'm rehearsing what to say
When the truth comes out (Of my very own mouth)
I've been working on a unified theory
If I make it through tonight everybody's gonna hear me out
'Cause I'm the right one
On my touch-tone, touch-tone telephone
I'm the only one (Hey!)
On your A.M., A.M. radio(Ooh)
Don't hang up yet, I'm not done
I'm an expert, I'm the one
The one who was right all along
Better to be laughed at than wrong
I'm an expert in my field
UFOlogy, yes, it's all real
Ancient aliens, it's all true
I'm an expert just like you
And like you, I'm a genius before my time
Disbelieving, that's the real crime
Pretty soon they'll discover me
In the Super-Sargasso Sea!I try to call you every day
What can I say
When the truth comes out? (Of my very own mouth)
I've been working on a unified theory
If I make it through tonight everybody's gonna hear me out (Now, now, now)
'Cause I'm the right one
(On my touch-tone telephone) On my touch-tone, touch-tone telephone
(I'm the only one on your A.M. radio!) I'm the only one
On your A.M., A.M. radio
Chapter 13: SPP Containment Breach (Episode 1: We had ONE JOB, huys!)
Summary:
Secure. Ponify. Protect. If only "Secure" and "Protect" worked out as planned.
Notes:
quick content warning for a brief mention of abortion, as well as just general child endangerment
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Foal. That's what the "F" in "Class-F Personnel" stood for. They were all foals who were unwanted by their parents, but were born anyway, because abortion doesn't exist in Equestria. Let me rephrase that: we were all unwanted foals. I had gone five years without a name other than "F-1500." That's all I was, all I am, and all I ever will be: a number. After all, we are the expendable members of the Foundation. What Foundation, you ask? A Foundation that I shouldn't be telling you about. A Foundation that very few ponies knew existed. A Foundation dedicated to the safety of Equestria. The SPP Foundation.
My story started on a normal morning. I, along with two other Class-F, had been chosen to go to a chamber. Why? I'm not sure. They never told us. As usual. I sighed. The guards led us to a large chamber. A pale pony with a completely black flank stood in the corner, just staring.
"Do not look away from SPP-173," said a voice. So, this is what was here. I would never have guessed we would be forced to appreciate art, especially a sculpture with such a large flank, it had evidently become its own organism and caught the Black Death. I chuckled.
"Do not laugh at or taunt SPP-173," the announcer warned. I sighed.
Suddenly, the lights went out. When they came back on, one of the Class-F was dead, SPP-173 standing over her body. I ran out of the chamber as fast as I could, then the lights flickered again, revealing that SPP-173 had killed the other Class-F. I prepared myself to die when the lights went out again, but I was spared. The guards, however, weren't so lucky.
"We are experiencing a Containment Breach of Euclid and Keter levels," said a female announcer. "Not Safe, though. Those guys don't do crap. Lazy f[SPARTA]ks." I ran away from the chamber, panicking. Unfortunately, SPP-173 was right behind me. No matter where I went, there he was, opening doors, going through vents, sometimes even offering to play Monopoly. I ran, but I knew it was futile. There was just no escaping "The Sculpture."
I reached a dead end. SPP-173 was right behind me. I glanced to the left and saw a hand mirror and a roll of duct tape. Not looking away from SPP-173, I grabbed the items and taped the hand mirror to the wall, hoping it was at the creature's eye level. I ran around the deadly monster, then looked back. It had not moved. My plan had worked! SPP-173 couldn't move if it was being observed, so all I had to do was make it observe itself! I brohoofed myself and ran off, smiling.
I found myself in a round, maze-like hallway. Not much here. Just a piece of paper someone had left on the ground. I picked it up and read it. I gulped. SPP-049 seemed pretty powerful. I carefully navigated the maze, but unfortunately, I wasn't careful enough, and I saw a large, rectangular hole in the wall. I went through it and came face-to-face with the deadly, the terrifying, the insert horror-movie-esque adjective here, SPP-049.
"I sense the disease in you," he said. His voice sounded echo-y, like a Changeling's, only quieter, like a loud whisper. "Do not worry; I am the cure." I ran.
"Stop resisting," it said, slightly irritated. "I'm trying to cure you!"
"Shut up!" I shouted. "I've been vaccinated!"
"No you haven't!"
"How do you know?!"
"I've lived here longer than you, dumbflank! The Foundation doesn't do that to Class-F!"
"Oh, yeah."
"Just let me cure you!"
"No!"
"Too bad!" It lunged at me. I dodged successfully, causing it to fall into some barrels. I smirked, knowing what was in them.
The barrels opened, and many needles stabbed into SPP-049. "What is this?!" it shouted.
"Concentrated pestilence," I said, "also known as The Plague."
SPP-049 screamed as it slowly died of hypocrisy. I blinked, then resumed my search for a way out.
Notes:
yooo is that a motherfucking sprouting bulb reference????
and yes, "THIS IS SPARTA" was an old meme when i wrote this
this fic starts out weirdly dark before devolving into complete absurdism and i don't know how to feel about that.
also why does the Foundation just have barrels of plague lying around?!?! don't tell anyone on the SCP Wiki i wrote this, i'll be banished, thrown in a dungeon, or thrown in a dungeon in the place i was banished to.
Chapter 14: SPP Containment Breach (Episode 2: MOAR COWBELL)
Summary:
seasons don't fear the reaper, nor do the wind, the sun, or the rain
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I found myself staring at a screen. A screen showing something. Something that could potentially kill me. Something that would stop at nothing to make me dead. Specifically, SPP-096. SPP-096 didn't like when ponies looked at its face, even in a photograph. Yay Keter!
I wandered into its cell. I walked around, but accidentally stared at its face. It stood up slowly, covering its face and screaming. I ran out, making sure to get as much of a head start as possible before it decided to chase me. I sat in SPP-049's old chamber, scared. I was, after all, only 5 years old! I sighed and thought about my short, meaningless life. Why didn't my parents want me? What did I ever do to them? I teared up. I was go into die, and nopony would care.
That's when I heard shrieking. I prepared for my seemingly inevitable death when suddenly SPP-096 tripped over SPP-049's body. I picked up a chair and beat 096 to death. The Foundation taught me not only the stuff other foals need to know, but also how to react in the event of a Containment Breach. Apparently, chairs were always the answer. Also chainsaw cannons, if available. I ran away, not caring what I bumped into.
I then proceeded to bump into something. Something very dangerous. Something that would ruin my life. That thing was a rusty cowbell. I had knocked it over. I looked at it and picked it up. I shook it, then flinched when it rung. Suddenly, I saw a tall, dark pony floating in front of me. It vanished instantly. I sighed. This was total bulls[YOUR FACE]t. I couldn't wait to get out.
I saw that pony every once in a while. It was stalking me, all right. Like Slendermane, but not as well-dressed. I sighed. This was going to take forever.
Notes:
"chainsaw cannons" is actually something mentioned on the wiki, in the non-canon and oft-maligned "Things Dr. Bright is Not Allowed to Do at the Foundation". i'm a pretty hardcore on-site fan (there tends to be major differences between the "on-site" and "off-site" parts of the fandom), but i'll be damned if that list ain't some funny shit.
i say i'm a fan, but i erroneously referred to 096 as a Keter-class. it's actually Euclid.
the "[YOUR FACE]" is specifically referencing a line from "The Return of Harmony, Part 2". go on YouTube and search "your facekau", you won't regret it.
...how have i not noticed "go into die" until now???
Chapter 15: SPP Containment Breach (Episode 3: Wrong toilet)
Summary:
THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME! THE BUTTMUNCHER'S GOT ME!
Notes:
i've been slow updating this so have some bonus chapters today
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I sighed. I hadn't eaten since the Breach started, so I went to SPP-294, a pony-shaped coffee machine-type thing. I looked at the keyboard and typed "Milkshake." I grabbed my milkshake and sat down to drink it when I saw the stalker again. I sat completely still and watched as he...got a beer. Didn't expect that. I sighed in relief and drank my milkshake, not caring whether or not it was dangerous. Afterwards, I began walking again.
After a while, I had a weird feeling near my flank, like something was inside, ready to come out. I then realized I had to take a dump. I sighed and went to the restroom, ignoring the sign that said "DANGER: CAREFULLY EXAMINE TOILET BEFORE USING."
I sat down on a random toilet and started to poop when I heard an evIl laugh. I looked down and saw a face in the toilet. I knew this was an SPP of some sort, but which one?
"I am the Flank Ghost," the face said, "and I will eat your flank." Oh. 789-J. That made sense. I shrugged and continued pooping, forgetting what made this SPP so dangerous.
After a while of pooping, I felt something on my flank. I screamed. 789-J got me!! I tried to twerk it off, but twerking didn't solve anything. In fact, it only made it worse. The lesson I learned there is don't twerk while something's eating your flank. I suddenly remembered how to get rid of this guy and reached for the toilet paper. I proceeded to wipe the Flank Ghost off of my posterior and threw him back into the toilet.
It had been five hours since I had almost lost my flank to a ghost. The hallways seemed endless, and I thought I'd never escape. I sighed and saw a peculiar containment chamber. When I looked inside, all I could see was darkness. I cautiously turned on the light, and what I saw surprised me.
I saw what looked like a strange grey, bald, genderless toy pony, sitting in a chair, looking down. I looked closely, and the toy looked up, staring at me with it's completely blue eyes. I screamed. What the f[potatoes]k?! I cautiously entered. The small pony was a little over a foot tall, the size of a newborn foal. It wasn't wearing a uniform, so it couldn't be a Class-F. I poked it gently. The pony looked up at me.
"What are you?" I asked.
The pony was silent. "Call me Ariel," it finally said.
Notes:
it's Scootaloo. that's the big twist i was going for, F-1500 is Scootaloo. she was Scootaloo all along, i bamboozled you all, for i am a master of deception.
before anyone brings it up, yes, 789-J is in the men's room in Containment Breach. but the original article specifically states that it resides in the toilet of Researcher James and only he can talk to it, so i'm allowed to take some liberties.
i feel like this chapter requires the cultural context of i was a young teenager in 2014 so the Miley Cyrus VMA incident was still fresh in my mind and also we all thought Scootaloo was an orphan
i canNOT for the life of me find the scip i referenced at the end. i think it's been deleted. sad day for historians everywhere. :(
Chapter 16: My Little Porky: Friendship is PSI (Chapter 1: In Which Porky Attends Canterlot High)
Summary:
Porky goes to CHS and intends to cause chaos, but instead he learns about the magic of friendship.
Notes:
milder content warning this time, MAJOR spoilers for the MOTHER series (including MOTHER 3) follow
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Porky Minch stepped out of the Phase Distorter and onto a patch of light green grass. He had been time-traveling for a few months after Ness had killed his former master, Giygas. However, where he was didn't seem to be a different time; rather, he was somewhere else in space. The people around here had unnatural skin and hair colors, which he was grateful for, as it would allow him to blend in better. Wherever he was, it definitely wasn't Earth, and there was no way for Ness to reach him now.
At this point, Porky noticed that all the people around him were heading into a large building. Upon closer inspection, Porky discovered that it was a high school. Just as he was going to hide back in the Phase Distorter, he felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned around quickly.
"Are you new here?" asked a light orange girl with red and yellow hair and a leather jacket. She had a friendly smile on her face. She reminded Porky of Ness, except hotter.
"Yes," he said, "I am." Thinking fast, Porky then said, "I was going to become a student at this school..."
"Oh!" the girl said. "No problem! I'll show you where you need to go!"
***
Fortunately for Porky, Canterlot High had not taken any precautions involving new students, despite the fact that otherworldly monsters had attacked the school at least twice. After Porky had become a student, Sunset Shimmer began to show him around the school.
"So..." Sunset said, "I don't think you ever told me your name. What is it?"
"It's Porky," Porky said, "but, for some reason, most people call me 'Pokey.'" Porky looked around the crowded hallways. This caused him to lose track of where he was going and bump into another student. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Watch where you're going!"
"Oh, my gosh! I am so sorry," the pale yellow girl in front of him said quietly, backing away slowly.
"No, it's okay," Sunset said, then glared at Porky. "This is Fluttershy," she explained. "She's a very kind person, unlike someone here." Porky smirked. Fluttershy ran away, whimpering.
Sunset Shimmer brought Porky to his first class and abandoned him at the door. Porky walked in.
***
At lunch, Sunset Shimmer sat with Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Twilight Sparkle.
"Have any of you met the new student?" Sunset asked.
"Met him?!" Rainbow Dash answered. "He rammed right into me and wanted me to apologize to him for getting in his way!"
"He did something similar to me this morning," Fluttershy said.
"He's an awful lot like those kids at Crystal Prep," noted Twilight. "Except stinkier."
At that moment, Porky walked over, followed by Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon wearing pig costumes. "Hello, friends," he said. "I was just talking to these two lovely young ladies about how awesome my friend Ness and I were. Isn't that right, girls?" Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon nodded.
"Why are they dressed up like pigs?" Applejack asked.
"'Whah are they dressed up lahk peegs?'" Porky mimicked, much to AJ's annoyance. "They're the first citizens of Empire Porky, obviously!"
"'Empire Porky?'" Pinkie asked. "Can I join?"
"Of course!" Porky answered, giving Pinkie a pig costume. Pinkie began puting it on until she noticed her friends glaring at her.
"What?" she asked. "I like pigs! They're just so...pink!"
"Hold on," said Sunset Shimmer. "What's 'Empire Porky?'"
"I could tell you," Porky said, "but that would ruin the fun!" Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon laughed. "Spankety spankety spankety!" The three of them turned around and walked away.
"Now you get back here, you little--" Rainbow Dash stood up. Applejack grabbed her arm.
"Rainbow!" she scolded. "Calm down! He's younger than we are; how much could he possibly do?"
"Applejack is right, darling," said Rarity. "I mean, it's not like he could travel forward through time and place a flying city above this school."
Meanwhile, Porky was walking back to his table with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.
"Master Porky," Silver Spoon said, "who is Ness?" Porky laughed.
"He was my neighbor in Onett," he said. "The two of us were good friends until he betrayed me at the Happy-Happy Village. I just wanted to keep being his friend, but apparently he thought he was too good for me!" Porky slammed his fist down on the table. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon jumped, startled.
"M-Master Porky?" Diamond Tiara said.
"I'm fine, I'm fine," Porky reassured her. "I'll show him someday; I can be as cool as him!"
"If it makes you feel any better, we think you're cool," Silver Spoon said.
"Thanks, girls," Porky said, chuckling. "Just wait until I find New Pork City; I'm sure I already finished at some point in the future." Porky's chuckling quickly turned into laughter.
***THREE MONTHS LATER***
Rarity looked up at the floating city above the school. "I was just joking!" she exclaimed.
"How in the hay..." Applejack looked up at New Pork City. It looked like a few meteors had grazed it.
Sunset Shimmer ran up to the school. "?!...What did Porky do?!" she asked.
At that moment, a flying limo descended in front of the girls. A mustachioed man in a suit stepped out of the door.
"Master Porky has instructed me to bring all students of this school to New Pork City," the chauffeur said, opening the passenger door.
"No way am I going in there!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, but you don't have a choice," the chauffeur said. "Master Porky requires all students of Canterlot High School to be in New Pork City. If you don't comply, I will be forced to use force."
"Do your worst."
"I will." The chauffeur pulled out a gun and pointed it at Rainbow Dash.
"Hey, girls, I just had a great idea!" Rainbow Dash said, smiling nervously. "How about we get in the limo?" The seven of them went into the limo.
"Now, the city is approximately 1000 feet above the ground, so feel free to make yourselves comfortable." The chauffeur began driving. The girls sat on the couch and slowly rocked their bodies side-to-side to the music. There were games around. They looked playable, but they weren't.
"What are we going to do about all of this?" Fluttershy asked.
"I have an idea," Sunset Shimmer said.
"And that is?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"See what Twilight's idea is!" Sunset began writing quickly in her book.
***
Twilight Sparkle had fallen asleep on the book, so its vibrations woke her up. "I DIDN'T KILL STARLIGHT!" she shouted in surprise, then looked down at the book in front of her.
Twilight,
Remember that Porky kid I told you about? Well, we're headed to his floating city right now. The rest of the students are already there, and nobody here knows what to do. What should we do?
Twilight thought for a moment, then wrote back:
Sunset,
Hang on. I have an idea.
***
On a small island in the middle of Nowhere, a young boy watched as all traces of Porky were erased from his home. This boy's name was Lucas, and he had been through a lot. He looked over at his brother's lifeless body and swallowed. Claus had made his choice, and there was nothing Lucas could do about it.
Suddenly, in his mind, he heard a female voice calling to him:
If you're hearing this, it means that, at some point, you have faced off against Porky Minch and won. Your experience will be necessary for your upcoming task. You will fall asleep now. When you wake up, you will be in a "limo," whatever that is. Anyone else who has faced Porky will be there, as well as seven girls. Don't panic; they'll tell you everything you need to know. Now, go, and be a hero once again.
Lucas collapsed on top of Claus' corpse. Kumatora tried to wake him, but he disappeared in a burst of purple magic.
***
Meanwhile, in a small house near a small town in the not-so-small United States, another young boy lay awake on his bed. This boy was Ness, and he was thinking about his fight against Giygas, the ultimate evil. It was only a week ago, but he couldn't stop thinking about it. He wondered what had become of his neighbor, Porky.
As if on cue, the female voice appeared in Ness' head, telling him the same thing it told Lucas. He fell asleep and disappeared.
***
"Do you think they're all right?" a soft voice asked.
"They'd better be," a girl with a Southern accent said. "They're our last hope."
Lucas' eyes opened slowly, and he found himself face-to-face with a smiling pink girl. "Oh, good!" she said. "You're finally awake!" She blew a party horn at him, hitting him in the nose. He screamed.
"Hey!" said the boy next to him. "Could you keep it down?! I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week!" Lucas recognized the boy's voice.
"Ness?" he asked.
"How do you know my name?" Ness asked. Lucas explained the New Pork City movie theater.
"Wait," said the pink girl, turning to look at him, "you're Ness?! As in, Porky's best friend from Onett?!"
"He was just my neighbor," Ness said. "He stopped being my 'friend' when he left a bunch of cultists to kill me."
"That's nothing," Lucas said. "He killed my mother AND turned my brother into a Chimera!"
"He joined forces with the ultimate evil and tried to kill me and my friends."
"He brainwashed my fellow villagers!"
"He has a floating city right now," said an orange girl.
"He had one of those when I met him," Lucas said.
"WAIT!" said the pink girl. "We still don't know each other! I'm Pinkie Pie!"
Everyone introduced themselves to each other just as the limo arrived at New Pork City.
"What are we going to do?" Sunset Shimmer asked.
"Leave it to us," Lucas said, glancing at Ness. Being around the legendary boy made him feel a little more confident. Ness smiled at Lucas.
***
Porky sat on the 100th floor of the Empire Porky Building. He couldn't believe that, in the future, he would have such a huge city dedicated to himself! It made him very happy.
Suddenly...
"PK FIST!!"
Ness ran in and punched Porky right in the face. Lucas ran in and did the same.
"OW!" Porky said. "WHAT THE HELL, NESS AND WEIRD BLOND KID?!"
The girls ran in. Rarity covered the two boys with her shield as Porky repeatedly tried to fight back at them.
"WHY?! CAN'T?! YOU?! JUST?! LET?! ME?! BE?! HAPPY?!" Porky shouted, holding back tears. "WHY?! CAN'T?! YOU?! JUST?! LET?! ME?! WIN?!"
"Why does your happiness have to come from the pain of others?!" Lucas asked.
"And why does you winning have to mean everyone else loses?!" Ness asked. Porky continued punching Rarity's shield.
"Look," said Lucas, "this shield is going nowhere. You can't hit us. You might as well just talk." Porky continued punching.
"You are accomplishing nothing by doing this," Ness said. Porky's punching slowed.
"You're only wasting time and energy," Lucas explained. Porky's punching softened.
"You're only hurting yourself by doing this," Ness said. Porky stopped punching. A tear rolled down his cheek.
"I...I just wanted to be cool...l-like you..." Porky sobbed.
"You...you think I'm cool?" Ness asked. Porky nodded.
"You...you were always so good at...making friends..."
"Let me handle this," said Sunset Shimmer, approaching the boys. Ness and Lucas moved out of the way. "Porky, I've been in the same position as you. I thought intimidation and violence would make me more powerful...would make me feel better about myself." Porky sniffled.
"But I was wrong," Sunset Shimmer said. "Someone taught me about the value of friendship...that Friendship is Magic..."
"Get to the point!" Rainbow Dash shouted. Sunset glared at her.
"I think she can help you, too," Sunset said. "Come with me. Lucas, Ness, you too." The four of them walked back to the limo. The other six followed.
"This is the second time someone else defeated the exact evil I was supposed to defeat," Ness muttered, disappointed. Lucas wrapped his arm around Ness' neck.
"If it makes you feel any better, it was fun hiding behind a shield with you," he said. Ness laughed and wrapped his arm around Lucas' neck.
***
Princess Twilight stepped out of the portal to find Sunset Shimmer, some blue boy, and two other boys around his age. "What's this about?" she asked.
"This is Porky," Sunset explained. "He wants to learn about the Magic of Friendship."
"When you say it like that, it almost sounds like a cult," Porky said.
"Since when do you care about that?" Ness said. Lucas punched his arm. "Owww..."
"Hmmm..." Twilight thought for a moment. "Well, I'm awful busy in Equestria, but I'm sure you'll be a fine teacher." She rested her hand on Sunset's shoulder. Sunset smiled.
"You mean that?" she asked. Twilight nodded.
"Hey," Twilight said, "what happened to the Wondercolt statue?"
"Uhhhhhh..." Sunset wasn't sure how to explain that. "Didn't you say you were busy in Equestria?" She pushed Twilight back through the portal. Ness, Lucas, and Porky laughed.
TO BE CONTINUED
Notes:
picture this: it's 2016, i just started my junior year of high school, my at-the-time best friend was ghosting me, i just saw "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" earlier that year, and i played EarthBound for the first time. that's where i was when i wrote this.
as you might have guessed from the Fan-Season, i really like tales of redemption. this is decidedly...not that. Porky is a hella tragic character, but in the end, he got what was coming to him. GIYGAS, on the other hand...
"The chauffeur pulled out a gun and pointed it at Rainbow Dash." is my favorite sentence i've ever written.
Rarity using her shield power is a reference to a joke i made on Amino where i called it "PSI Shield".
see if you can spot all the minor MOTHER references, including one from Super Smash Bros Brawl! also see if you can spot all the Homestuck references in the Fan-Season!
Chapter 17: My Little Porky: Friendship is PSI (Chapter 2: In Which Porky Must Make a Friend)
Summary:
the technical term is probably "PSI Alarm" but whatevs
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"PK ALARM!" Lucas shouted, waking Porky and Ness up suddenly. Cheerilee, the librarian, told him to be quiet. "Sorry, ma'am."
"What was that about?!" Porky asked. "It's Saturday!"
"We're in a world unfamiliar to all three of us," Lucas explained. "We need to find out more about where we are!"
"Let's explore!" Ness suggested.
"...we're in a library," Lucas said. "We could just--"
"EXPLORATION!" Ness ran out the door. Lucas and Porky looked at each other, shrugged, and followed him.
-------
The boys' exploration began at what was left of the Wondercolt Statue. At this point, it was just a magical block of stone.
"You know," said someone from behind them, "that used to be a statue of a stallion." The three boys turned around to see Sunset Shimmer behind them.
"What are you doing here?!" Porky asked.
"And what happened to the statue?" Ness asked.
"I'm here because Twilight wanted me to tell you something," Sunset said to Porky. "And as for the statue...let's just say someone went a little...overboard with their obsession with magic."
"What did Twilight say?" Porky asked.
"She said that you needed to make some friends," Sunset explained.
"But I've already got two friends right here," Porky said, grabbing Ness and Lucas.
"You left me for dead twice and then tried to kill me," Ness said.
"And you killed half of my family and tried to end the world," Lucas said.
"Honest mistakes!" Porky said. "Anyone could've done them to you!"
"I doubt that," Ness and Lucas said in unison.
"She wants you to make friends from here," Sunset clarified.
"But it's Saturday!" Porky complained. "How am I supposed to meet any of my fellow students if they're not in school?!"
"I know a place," Sunset said, smiling.
-------
The four of them arrived at the Sweet Shoppe. As one would typically expect from this place, several Canterlot High students were there.
"See?" said Sunset Shimmer. "There are lots of CHS students here. Now, go talk to one!"
"Um, okay..." Porky said, unsure of himself. He looked around the Sweet Shoppe, trying to find someone he'd never met. He eventually settled on an orange girl with purple hair and a leather jacket. Porky approached her cautiously. Ness and Lucas followed at a safe distance; Lucas was hoping Porky would succeed, while Ness had already bought a milkshake and was preparing to drink it smugly when Porky failed.
"Hi there!" Porky said. The orange girl turned around. Lucas held his breath and crossed his fingers. Ness put his mouth around the straw.
"Hm?" the girl said. "Oh, hello!" Lucas and Ness leaned in, waiting to see what would happen.
"We go to the same school, don't we?" Porky asked.
"Oh, yeah!" the girl said. "You were that kid who forced everyone onto that floating city."
Porky turned around and sat at a chair somewhere away from the orange girl. Lucas and Ness sat with him.
"That went well!" Lucas said, trying to reassure Porky.
"No it didn't," Ness said, taking a long sip of his shake.
"Yeah, you're right," Porky said, slamming his head down on the table. "This was a bad idea. I don't even need friends!"
"That's a lie and you know it," Ness told him, taking another sip of his milkshake. "Without friends, you turn into a literal devil-child."
"That was one time!"
"Hey, she's coming over this way!" Sunset Shimmer said. Porky pulled up his shirt collar. The orange girl flicked him. Porky didn't respond. She looked up at Lucas and Ness.
"Is he all right?" she asked.
"Better than usual," Ness said. "I'd kill Lucas' brother just to have him shut up for this long."
"Too soon," Lucas mumbled.
Two other girls came over. One was yellow with red hair, and the other was white with purple and pink hair.
"Wow, Porky," Ness said. "You're awful popular with the ladies." Porky stayed silent.
"I'll check his pulse," said the yellow one. She checked his pulse. "Yup, he's got a pulse."
"Porky!" Ness said. "Porky boy! Wake up! It's friendship time!" Porky didn't budge. Ness sighed. "Porky, you're the best friend I've ever had," he said, rolling his eyes. Porky jolted awake.
"You really mean that, Ness?" Porky asked, smiling a little. Everyone at the table cheered.
"Hey," said the orange girl. Porky turned to face her.
"What do you want?" he said bitterly.
"I'm...sorry about the whole 'flying city' thing," the orange girl said, rubbing the back of her head. "I didn't realize that was such a sore subject for you."
"Aw, look, she's apologizing," Ness said. "I'm sure you at least know what to do when someone apologizes."
"Refuse to be their friend, then try to kill them ten years in the past?" Porky snarked. Lucas let out a brief "HAH!" before falling on the ground, laughing.
"That was one time!" Ness said. "And there were other problems..."
Porky looked the orange girl in the eyes. "It's fine." Ness spit out his milkshake through the straw. Lucas laughed harder in victory.
"So, uh, what's your name?" the orange girl asked.
"Porky," said Porky.
"I'm Scootaloo," the orange girl said, smiling.
-------
Ness and Lucas sat in front of the school, watching the sunset together.
"That sure was something, huh?" Lucas asked.
"Hey," said Ness, "if we're at a school, shouldn't we be going to classes?"
"What's a 'school?'" Lucas asked. Ness was shocked.
"You've never been to school?!" he asked.
"We never had one in Tazmily," Lucas answered.
"Wow," said Ness. "You were lucky."
"Sure smells like it," Lucas said. "My grandfather lives on a farm, and he smells better than most kids here." Ness laughed.
"It's nice to be able to just relax after preventing a huge crisis," Ness said. Lucas nodded.
"We should head back inside," Lucas said. "Who knows what Porky has gotten up to all alone in the library?"
Notes:
...i don't know how i mistook Scootaloo's hoodie for a leather jacket. i guess i was just too caught up on that scene from "Horse Women".
i also don't know why i made Ness such an asshole, though i guess not being Ninten or Lucas would do that to a person. also yeah they're in love. i'd elaborate but that would require finishing this.
anyway, next up is my stuff from Wattpad, starting with my own massive clusterfuck, my personal MCU, the "Living at Freddy's" series! starting with "Bronic the Hedgehog", which went nowhere and i honestly don't know why i made it part of that universe.
Chapter 18: Bronic the Hedgehog (da whole thing babey)
Summary:
one day i will have to face God and answer for writing this
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Brologue
The land of Brobius. A peaceful, brotiful place where everyone was a bro to each other.
Until Dr. Ibro Brobotnik conquered it and broboticized the brosidents, that is.
He came in like a storm, turning everything and everyone into brobotic bros, leaving almost no survivors.
Almost.
Only the Brodom Fighters, a small group of survivors, can stop him. However, they'll need to use the powers of Bro to do it. To harness the power of Bro, they must find the 13 Bromeralds scattered across what was once Brobius. They already found five in the Great Brorest. Only seven left to go.
Theme Song
Bro streak
Speeds by
Bronic the Hedgehog
Too fast
For the naked bro
Bronic the Hedgehog
Bronic
He can really bro
Bronic
He's got a brotitude
Bronic
He's the fastest bro aliiiive
Look out
When he bros through
Bronic the Hedgehog
Don't doubt
What he can bro
Bronic the Hedgehog
Bronic
He can really bro
Bronic
He's got a brotitude
Bronic
He's the fastest bro alive
He's the fastest bro alive
He's the fastest bro alive
The Brortal
"YO BROTOR WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO BRO?!" Bronic asked Brotor.
"JUST INVENTING AND CRAP, BRO!" Brotor replied.
"GOOD TO KNOW, BRO!" Bronic said.
"WHAT'S BROBOTNIK UP TO, BRO?!" asked Tails.
"AH THINK HES BROBOTICIZING MORE BROS, BRO!" answered Bronnie.
"WE SHOULD STOP HIM, BRO!" said Tails.
"BRONIC JUMP THROUGH THIS BRORTAL!" Brotor said to Bronic.
"BROKAY!" Bronic replied, jumping through the Brortal.
--------------------
I am Miles "Tails" Brower. I may be the youngest Brodom Fighter, but I can still kick Brobotnik's butt!
"TAILS LEAD US TO BROBOTNIK!" Broncess Sally said.
I led her, Bronnie, and Brotoine to Brobotnik's lair. We beat up some Brobots. We left.
"THAT WAS A FUN DAY, BRO!" Bronnie said.
"I AGREE, BRO!" I agreed.
"LETS GET SOME SLEEP, BRO!" Broncess Sally said.
We all went to sleep.
Notes:
i'm sorry.
Chapter 19: Trio (Chapter 1: The Day)
Summary:
Lily is a timid Petilil who watched her mother get captured by a Trainer at age 8. Zen is a Trainer turned into a Sneasel. Darkness is an Umbreon who kills Trainers. Somehow, the three of them find themselves on an amazing adventure to stop the world from ending.
Notes:
kinda CW i guess, but since one of the characters is based on a self-insert i made before i "knew", i guess technically that counts as misgendering? i'm really at a loss here, does it count?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Lily's POV
I woke up suddenly, looked around, and realized it was just a dream. Well, not really; it was a recurring nightmare about something that had happened when I was young. I laid back down and cried. All I could think about was her, the one I had lost, the one I would never see again: my mother.
6 years earlier
I walked around happily through the forest with my mother. She was sweet and kind; the best mother a Petilil could ask for. But little did I know I would lose her for good.
I heard footsteps. Loud footsteps. I looked up and saw something large and strange. It couldn't be a Pokémon; it had weird things loosely covering its body, and something on its back.
My mother pushed me into a bush and told me to stay there. I watched as she battled this strange beast, who had somehow managed to gain control of Pokémon. I saw my mother attempt to fight off a Servine. She failed, and the creature threw something at her, sealing her away and taking her away from me forever. I sat in that bush and cried.
Back to the present
I cried more, sleeping in the bush I watched my mother get caught in. I looked up and saw it was daytime. I sniffled and ran to a tree to get some berries. Then I saw him; a Sneasel, sleeping in the middle of a forest in Unova. How was that possible? I sighed. Should I wake him up? I thought.
Zen's POV ["I may have mentioned this before, but this character was originally a self-insert. Try not to think too deeply on that."]
"Wake up," I heard a feminine voice say. "Wake up!"
I opened my eyes slowly and saw a Petilil in front of my face. "Are you lost, mister?" she asked.
I screamed. Since when could Petilil talk?! All they were supposed to say was their name!
"A Sneasel shouldn't be in a place like this," said the Petilil. I looked at myself to discover that I was, in fact, a Sneasel. Oh. That explained the Petilil thing.
Wait, I'm a Sneasel?!
The Petilil looked at me. "What's your name?" she asked shyly.
"I'm...Zen," I replied.
"That's a funny name," said Petilil. "My name's Lily."
I rolled my eyes. Of course.
I grabbed my backpack. Lily's eyes widened. "Wh-where did you get that?" she asked, afraid.
I smirked, taking out a Pokéball. "Got it for my 10th birthday," I replied, "along with this!" I threw the Pokéball and out popped a sleeping Bulbasaur. I sighed. "Wake up, Bulby," I said. Bulby stayed asleep.
Lily giggled. I growled and grabbed her, ready to attack. But just as I was about to, she teared up.
"Wh...what's wrong?" I asked.
"I just...don't want to end up like my mother," she replied sadly. I hugged her gently.
Lily's POV
Wait, what? First he wants to take me, now he's hugging me?
I continued to cry. "It's ok," Zen said, "I'm here for you."
I cried harder, knowing what he really was. He sighed.
"I can't bring your mother back," he said, "but I'm still here for you."
"Wh-why?" I asked.
"Because why the fluff not," he replied. I giggled at his euphemism.
-----
I stopped crying after a while. Zen smiled. I smiled also.
Zen told me all about humans and why they captured Pokémon. I frowned. Humans sounded like such cruel creatures, but Zen was so nice.
I think I love him.
Darkness' POV
Stupid Trainers. All they care about is whether you're "shiny" or not. They never stop to think about how Pokémon they release may feel. But why should they? They're cruel creatures who keep us imprisoned and force us to battle others. They obviously have no feelings other than anger, hatred, and cruel happiness. Like me, except I have a good reason.
I hate my ex-Trainer. Releasing me because my younger sister was "shiny." What does that even mean, anyway? The Pokémon is a slightly different color! Sure, it's rare, but not worth abandoning your best friend! I sighed. I shouldn't think about these things. They only fuel my hatred for Trainers. Stupid creatures. If only I could kill them all... ["Why you gotta be so racist, man?"]
Oh, wait. I can. Fufufu.
["Seven of the eight main characters were based on characters I did Pokemon roleplays with. I changed their stories slightly to fit in with the series, and so I didn't have to use anyone else's characters."]
Notes:
if you make RPF shipping me and Petilil i will hunt you down
anyway, the stuff in brackets and quotes was part of a commentary thing i was doing back then called "Word of Bird". because my username on Wattpad had "bird" in it, which itself traces back to an old inside joke, and now i wish i was still in seventh grade. :(
also, in case you couldn't tell, i love Pokemon Black and White. like, it's in my top 5 favorite games of all time.
and yeah, i really was that emotionally volatile as a young teen. if i were nicer, i would've had more friends, and friends are coo-ool! i also really said "fluff" instead of "fuck" back then. i should do that again, that was fun.
Chapter 20: Trio (Chapter 2: What a Waffle Is)
Summary:
and i never, ever AGAIN want to walk in my kitchen and hear you say, "OH, IT'S WAFFLE TIME, IT'S WAFFLE TIME, WON'T YOU HAVE SOME WAFFLES OF MINE"
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen's POV
I woke up the next morning in a bush. Of course, I thought, Trainers can't enter bushes. ["Unless they have an Action Replay."]
I looked over at Lily, who was still sleeping. I smiled. She looked cute when she was asleep. But then again, so did everyone. I decided to find some berries or something to eat. I looked around, making sure there were no Trainers, then ran to a nearby tree and found an Oran Berry.
I made it back just as Lily woke up. I gave her an Oran Berry. She looked at me and blushed.
"Th-thank you..." she said. I smiled.
Then we kissed.
Not really, but you were probably expecting that to happen. What happened next was much less cliché.
"Do you want a waffle?" I asked. ["Back then, I foolishly thought waffles were superior to pancakes. Now I know the truth."]
"What's a waffle?" asked Lily. I gasped.
"You don't know what a waffle is?!" ["FIRESTAR DOESN'T LIKE WAFFLES"] ["FIRESTAR DOESN'T LIKE COOKIIIEEEES"]
She nodded. I sighed and reached into my backpack, pulling out a box of small ones.
Lily's POV
I watched as Zen grabbed a small grid circle, a bottle of brown stuff, and a tube that said "Whipped Cream." I blinked, confused. What was this sexy be-I mean, Sneasel up to? ["Try to forget that Zen was a self-insert."]
"Do you know any Fire-types?" Zen asked. I nodded and pointed towards a small group of Charmanders that humans had abandoned for some reason. He ran off. ["Poor, sweet, innocent Lily..."]
After a while, he ran back, grabbed the tube, covered the now-cooked thing in some white stuff, and poured the brown stuff on it. He then put it on a circle and gave me a small three-pronged plastic thingy. ["The first half of this paragraph sounds more sexual than it should."]
"Now we eat," he said. I poked the thing-which I assume is a "waffle"-with the plastic thingy. I looked at him.
He was happily eating the waffle. I sighed and started eating. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it.
Humans make amazing food.
Zen's POV
I watched Lily eat, smiling. I knew she'd like it. I looked up and saw something black jumping over our bush. Lily curled up into a ball, and I hugged her. What was that?!
Suddenly, an Umbreon shoved its head through the leaves and sniffed us. I felt uneasy. The Umbreon continued to sniff me, until finally, it smirked. I tilted my head in confusion.
"You thought you could hide from me, Trainer?!" asked the Umbreon. I gasped, realizing who he was. ["Darkness was largely unchanged, aside from him being Envy."]
"But...but that's not possible!" I exclaimed. "Y-you can't be--"
"That's right," said the Umbreon. "I am every Trainer's worst nightmare, the reason they sleep in Pokemon Centers, the reason they don't dare adventure at night. I am...Darkness." ["Original character do not steal"] ["Dark and edgy name for a dark and edgy character"] ["3edgy5mii"]
Darkness's POV
I pulled out my knife and held it in my teeth, ready to kill. The Trainer cowered like the coward he is. I smirked and was just about to decapitate him when I suddenly get hit in the eye with a bunch of waffle crumbs. ["Wordplay is Magic"]
A Petilil stands next to the Trainer, seeming to defend him. "L-leave him alone!" she mumbles. I sigh.
"Look," I said, "don't trust Trainers. All they ever do is force you to battle for their benefit, and if they find a Pokemon they love more than you, they abandon you. That's all they've ever done since humans could tame Pokemon."
"You're wrong!" said the Petilil. "Zen would never do that!"
I looked at the Trainer. "Don't think that just because you shared a waffle, he's your friend."
"That's the definition of friendship!" the Trainer exclaimed. ["Someone who writes dictionaries, please take note."]
I blinked. "What drugs are you on?" The Trainer shrugged. I sighed.
The Petilil suddenly attacked with Vine Whip. I growled and returned with Scratch. We fought for nine minutes until the Petilil lay there, defeated. I laughed and lunged at the Trainer. The Trainer grabbed the knife out of my mouth and pointed it at my throat.
Well, this is awkward.
Notes:
everyone DOES look cute when they're asleep. try it! watch someone sleep.
yes, i spoiled one aspect of Darkness but not another. don't ask why.
anyway, i still haven't played Legends Arceus. funny enough, Darkness is actually Sinnoan. maybe he's descended from that Eevee in Obsidian Fieldlands that no YouTuber could catch. (no spoilers in the comments please)
i don't have much to say about this fic, other than that i really like these characters. i mean, a human-turned-Pokemon teaming up with two Pokemon who hate humans? that's AWESOME!
Chapter 21: Trio (Chapter 3: The Tables Turn)
Summary:
is he, you know...*holds out hand* somewhat feminine?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen's POV
I smirked, holding the knife. "I think I'll keep this," I said, putting it in my backpack.
The Umbreon sighed, obviously knowing it was defeated. I gave it a waffle, but it threw it into the road. I sighed.
"How DARE you try to poison me with your human foods?!" it accused. I glared at it.
"It was just a plain old waffle!" I said. "Nothing poisonous about it!!"
"Why do you hate humans so much?" asked Lily.
Darkness' POV
Why do I hate humans?
A while back...
I had just hatched. I looked into the eyes of my Trainer, a young girl. I smiled, knowing we would be best friends for life.
And we were.
No matter where we went or who we faced, our friendship helped us win. Even against the Champion, we won. Twice. ["They lost the third time, but only because the champion was now Lucas and not Cynthia. Yup; Darkness is from Sinnoh."]
Life was perfect.
Then, it happened.
My Trainer was super happy for some reason, practically rushing to the Day Care. I was confused. Why were we here?
I then saw an egg. An Eevee egg. I was so happy. I was getting a younger brother/sister!
I ran up to the egg and hugged it gently. I thought we would be best friends, and life would be perfect. ["He also licked it a little but shhh"]
But I was wrong.
My Trainer did nothing but nothing without the newly hatched Eevee. Soon, she had forgotten about me. Knowing I was no longer needed, I destroyed my Pokeball and left.
Now
Zen's POV
I looked at Darkness, who seemed like he might cry. I sighed and sat down. Lily looked at him sadly. I realized I was sitting here, in front of one of the most dangerous Pokemon ever, and I was watching him cry.
"Alright," I said, "you can stay here."
"I...wasn't asking to..." he said, sounding somewhat feminine.
"Shut up and stay."
"It's all right with me," said Lily.
Darkness sighed. "Fine," he said, "I'll stay." He sat near the edge of the bush. "Not like I have anywhere else to stay." ["Darkness is the house tsundere."]
"Oh, you'll LOVE it here!" Lily said enthusiastically. "This bush is part of a square of bushes surrounding a tree, so no Trainer can enter!"
"...do other Pokemon live in these bushes?" asked Darkness.
"Yup!" said Lily. "There are 12 bushes here, and each one has at least one Pokemon!"
I stuck my head out of our bush and looked around. The place seemed deserted, but these bushes seemed a lot bigger on the inside.
"We live between a family of Misdreavous and a Caterpie and Weedle," explained Lily.
I looked back in to see Darkness looking out in the direction of the path. With his knife, he was an unstoppable killing machine. However, I kinda took it from him, so he was just another ordinary Umbreon.
I decided to take a walk around here, since no other Trainer in existence could.
Lily's POV
"Can I tell you a secret?" asked Darkness. I nodded. Darkness whispered something into my ear and I jumped up in surprise.
"Really?!" I asked. Darkness nodded.
"Don't tell anyone," he said.
I looked him straight in the eye. "I won't."
Darkness smiled a little. I gave him a waffle. He looked at it, sniffed it, then cautiously ate it. I smiled cutely.
Notes:
i think this makes Darkness' former Trainer one of the strongest in the Pokemon world. and she's like 10? then again, that's normal for Pokemon.
i wonder if Darkness and N would get along. probably not at first, what with the whole murder thing, but they do have similar opinions on the relationship between humans and Pokemon. Darkness would hear about Ghetsis and be like "do you want me to kill that guy for you? because i will totally kill that guy for you. see you at improv practice."
Chapter 22: Trio (Chapter 4: An Ancient Evil)
Summary:
okay, YOU name a pink metal
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
((Author's Note: Ok, so now you've met the heroes of our story. Now let's meet the villains.))
Cobalt's POV
HOLY CHEESE STICKS IM A AZELF!!!!! YAYYYY!!!!! AZELF ARE SOOOOO KAWAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! ["Cobalt, Pyrite, and Quartz were originally sisters and Zen's rivals. Cobalt was convinced that Pyrite liked Zen, and Quartz honestly didn't care. It turned out that Pyrite was gay. I think Pyrite changed the most."]
AND MY SISTERS AND BESTEST FRIENDS BECAME UXIE AND MESPRIT!!!! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!! WERE ALL SO CUUUUUUUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IM THE CUTEST!!!!!!!
OH BY THE WAY IM COBALT, THE POKESONIFICATION OF PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!! MY SISTERS ARE PYRITE, WHO IS LUUUUUUST, AND QUARTZ, WHO IS SLOOOOOOOOOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!! WE MAKE SUCH A GREAT TEAM!!!!!! OR WE WILL, SINCE WE WERE JUST BORN!!!!!!!!!!
IM AN AZELF, WHICH IS LEGENDARY, SO IM BETTER THAN ALL THE NONLEGENDARY POKEMON!!!!!!!!!! IM BETTER THAN ALL THE SCRAGGY AND PIKACHU AND OH HEY MY TACOS ARE READY!!!!!!!!! I LOVE TACOS BECAUSE THEYRE THE BEST FOOD AND IM THE BEST AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO STUPID TRAINERS GONNA CATCH ME CUZ IM MUCH BETTER THAN THEM!!!!!!!!!!! IM A LEGENDARY AFTER ALL, SO OF COURSE IM BETTER THAN SOME WEIRD CREATURE THAT CONSTANTLY WEARS CLOTHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHATS THAT? I NEED TO LET MY SISTERS HAVE A TURN? FINE!!!!!
Pyrite's POV
Hey. I'm Pyrite, aka Lust. But you already knew that, didn't you, sexy? Yes, I'm sure someone as smart as you could figure it out. Oh? You want me to stop staring at you? Sorry, hottie, ain't gonna happen.
Sorry about my little sister, by the way. I'm sure she was the most annoying thing ever. I'm not like her though. And no, I'm not gonna stop petting your hair, so don't ask. ["I felt as uncomfortable writing this as you probably did reading it."]
You probably wouldn't like Quartz, either. She's very lazy. Hasn't moved since we became Pokemon. In fact, I'd say I'm not only the most likable, but also the best possible partner for you.
Wow. Now I'm being forced to let Quartz introduce herself. Well, call me if you need me.
Quartz's POV
Ugh, do I HAVE to do this? Ok, fine. I'm Quartz, I'm a Mesprit, and I'm Sloth. There. Happy now? ["Quartz went from apathetic to lazy. Maybe I should write a fanfiction using their RP personalities..."]
Seriously?! I have to do MORE?! OH MY GIRATINA!
Nope. Not gonna do it. Now, hand me that Oran Berry.
Oh, yeah, there's one more. Don't know her name, though. Maybe she'll tell you. It'll probably cost you 1 million Pokedollars, five Potions, a bag of gold, and your first, second, and third children, though.
???'s POV
You've met the sisters, now time to meet the TRUE mastermind!
Who am I? What am I? I'm Greed. For more information, please give me five PokeBlocks, a Buneary plush, and a book about EV training.
What's that? You don't have any of those? Then go. We're done here.
Notes:
i don't even like these characters that much lmao
honestly, this series was poorly written due to a lack of planning (an issue i still have today), but i think if i went back and rewrote this, it might actually be good? ridiculous, yes, but good nonetheless.
??? has no use for that book, she just likes to eat the paper.
Chapter 23: Trio (Chapter 5: The Truth Comes Out)
Summary:
(of my very own mouth)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Lily's POV
I still haven't told anyone Darkness' secret, and it's really bugging me! I wanted to tell somebody, but I couldn't!
At that moment, Darkness walked in, wearing...a dress. I looked around. Zen wasn't home. ["Where did he find a dress his size? I don't know."]
"Uh...I can explain," he said, taking it off.
"Please do," I replied.
"...I, uh...well, I..."
"Come on, you can tell me!"
"I..." He mumbled something that sounded like "in loaf."
"You're in what?!"
At that moment, Zen walked in, seeming a little...satisfied.
"Tell me this isn't what I think it is..." I said.
"Wait, what?!" they both asked.
"Oh!" exclaimed Darkness. "You think I...with him..." He laughed.
Zen looked around, confused. "What was that all about?" he asked, looking at Darkness' dress.
"Well, what happened?!" I asked, wanting to know.
"I MET A GUY!" Darkness blurted.
"I ACCIDENTALLY BECAME THE CENTER OF A LOTAD RELIGION!" Zen exclaimed.
They looked at each other. "Wait, what?!" they both asked.
Darkness sighed. "Zen," he said, "I'm not what you think I am."
"So, you're an Espeon?" Zen asked.
"What?! No!" Darkness then got into a position that showed that he was, in fact, as he had told me, a she. ["Haha, yeah right. Who's gonna be a girl next, Naoto the Detective Prince?"]
"Whoa."
I sighed. "What's this about a religion?"
"Can't talk," said Zen, "gotta answer some prayer." He walked out. ["This was a complete guess."]
"So, Cuddles," I began. ["Her real name is revealed and she suddenly doesn't seem so threatening anymore."]
"Don't call me that," Darkness said, glaring at me.
I sighed and sat on a bed I made of waffles in what Zen called "plastic bags."
"Do you really trust yourself to not eat that?" asked Darkness.
"Don't worry," I replied, "I'm not that obsessed."
"You sleep next to a bottle of maple syrup."
"Ok, maybe a little."
Zen's POV
I walked to the pond of Lotad. "You needed something?"
A young Lotad swam up to me. "Can you help my brother come back?"
I smiled and nodded, looking for the Lotad's brother.
I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen. I mean, Darkness was a girl?! What next Azelf, Uxie, and Mesprit are personifications of three of the Seven Deadly Sins and are out to get me because reasons?
Cobalt's POV
"LETS GO AFTER THAT SNEASEL OVER THERE BECAUSE REASONS!!!" I SUGGESTED!
"Ok," SAID QUARTZ!!
"I'm fine with it," AGREED PYRITE!!!!!!
"LETS-A GO!!!" I EXCLAIMED!!!!!!!
A/N: Hey, everyone. Just thought I'd talk to you "BECAUSE REASONS!!!"
So, I have a few things to say...
1. I'd really like to upload the secret chapter of this. Should I?
2. Yes, Cobalt is my favorite character. Who's yours? ["I liked the incompetent henchman more than my own self-insert...That should tell you everything you need to know about my self-esteem."]
3. There is no number 3, I just like that number.
Notes:
isn't it wild how people can think you're one gender when you're actually another
at first i thought "in loaf" was a reference to an old inside joke i have with only myself, but this actually predates that! someday i'll have to reference it in an actual published fic and not just my private self-ship fics i mean what
Chapter 24: Trio (Chapter 6: Darkness' Past)
Summary:
a nine-tailed fox suddenly appeared
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Darkness POV
Ok, kids, gather 'round the campfire. Darkness here to tell y'all a story.
---------------
It was 12 years ago. I had just hatched. I was an adorable little Eevee, and I was given to a little girl, who named me "Cuddles."
We did everything together. We got all eight badges. We went through Mt. Moon. We went through Victory Road, where I evolved into Umbreon. We beat the Kanto League. Everything was perfect. ["This was the second time."]
Then one day, my trainer ran to the Day Care. The woman told her that an Eevee egg was laying around in it. I hugged it, wanting to know what my brother/sister would be like. I wish I had pushed it off a cliff.
When the egg hatched, a slightly-discolored Eevee stared up at my trainer. She soon spent all her time with my sister, whom she had named "Sparkles."
Slowly, she began to forget about me. Knowing she didn't care about me anymore, I broke my Pokeball, made sure everyone thought I was male, and became known as "Darkness," killing Pokemon trainers on sight.
I had become quite infamous among humans, with what I assumed were large amounts of money being given to whoever could catch me. ["She was right."]
I was always able to either get away or kill. Until I met that Sneasel.
---------------
So, now you know more about me, your favorite character--
Cobalt's POV
WRONG!!! EVERYBODY KNOWS IM YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER!!! DUH!!!!!!!!
Notes:
sorry, Cobalt, but everyone knows my best fandom OC is Jaeger
i don't know why Darkness felt the need to be male, that was kinda pointless tbh. i guess i just really liked that twist with Sprout?
also, yes, a little girl beat Cynthia with an unevolved Eevee. that's your new Pokemon challenge run, play the game normally except one of your Pokemon is Eevee and it can't evolve. i look forward to the JRose video.
Chapter 25: Trio (Chapter 7: The Abduction)
Summary:
probably should've put one of my other fics first...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen's POV ((yes, I can bold words again! Woohoo!))
I sat at home. Lily was eating waffles, Darkness was sharpening his--I mean, her knife, the Azelf was pointing a gun at me...just another normal day.
"I AM COBALT, AZELF OF PRIIIIIIIIDE!!!" the Azelf shouted.
"Could you shut up?" I asked. "I'm trying to think about things."
The Azelf growled. "DO I HAVE TO SHOOT YOU?!"
"If you want," I said before blacking out. ["#FamousLastWords"]
-------------------
I woke up in a kitchen. A giant robotic...Psyduck?...was staring at me.
"Hello, little guy," she said. "Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza."
Darkness' POV
"Oh, look, he's gone," I said, not giving a crap.
"I CANT BELIEVE HES GONE!!!" Lily shouted.
"Lily," I said. "Shut up."
Lily cried. I looked at her.
"Lily..."
Lily looked up. "Huh?"
I walked up to her. "I need to tell you something."
"What?"
I sighed. "I'm...concerned about him," I said, blushing. ["I shipped this harder than the canon pairings."]
Lily giggled. "Riiight," she said, "concerned."
I blushed harder. "I don't like him!" I exclaimed. "I hate his guts!"
Lily smiled cutely. "Just keep telling yourself that," she said, then walked off.
I was alone. Just me, a bunch of waffles, and Cobalt. Yes, it sure was good to just be alone with my thoughts. I wonder how many Trainers I can kill today...
Lilly's POV
I just know Darkness likes Zen more than she says she does! I hope she doesn't eat my waffles... ["A perfect summary of this character."] ["I was going to say something, but I already did"]
I heard someone coming. I hid behind the tree and watched a Lombre walk around. He reached into a bush, pulled out a Caterpie, and threw it at the road for his Trainer to catch. I gasped.
At that moment, I saw Darkness come towards him with a knife, ready to stab him. I closed my eyes and heard a stabbing sound. When I opened them, Darkness was pooping on the Trainer's corpse.
That's one way to get revenge...
Notes:
as i said, cinematic universe.
darkness <3< zen
Chapter 26: Secrets (a Wreck-It Ralph Fanfiction) (da whole thing, babey)
Summary:
A new game has been plugged in at Litwick's Arcade. The main character, Suilybop, finds himself in an epic adventure involving candy go-karts, viruses, a magic hammer, and a strange group of people who will stop at nothing to discover the secret of Litwick's Arcade.
Chapter Text
"So, this is the place?" asked a man, pointing to a spot on a map.
The second man nodded. "I'm sure of it," he said, "that arcade is more than meets the eye."
"Well, then," said the first man, "we'll need to figure out what's up."
The two men sat at a computer. This was their best plan yet.
Suibylop
Suibylop. That's the name of my game. That also happens to be my name.
The game is a simple 2D obsticle course. The player guides me through five levels in five minutes to win. Then I just appear on the screen.
That's all I've ever done for the first 3 hours I was plugged in. This is my fourth, and the arcade closes in two. I sighed. Did all characters feel nervous on their first day? They had a good reason to: they were part of a new game, and they weren't sure if kids would enjoy it.
But I was successful, with a few kids every hour playing my game. One thing they wondered, though, was why I had antennae on my head, even though I was humanoid. I didn't know that at all, so I guess it's a mystery. Oh well.
-----
It was nighttime. The arcade closed. I sighed. "That wax a rough firxt day," I said, using "x" sounds instead of "s" and "z" sounds, like I always do.
"I xhould probably get xome xleep," I said, then my antennae started beeping. I headed towards a small booth-like area on Stage 3. When I got there, I saw a train. I got on and rode.
Game Central Station
I was amazed. This place was HUGE! I smiled. Only my first day, and I discovered how to travel between games.
My first stop was this popular game called "Wreck-It Ralph." It wasn't much; just a lot of characters and homes. I sighed. Thix muxt be where the older characterx meet, I thought.
I left that game and went to "Hero's Duty." All I saw were a bunch of guys in armor. I sighed and left, hoping to find another game to visit.
-----
Sugar Rush. That's where I was, alright. I sighed. "Thix better be fun," I said, knowing how popular this game was.
I was able to watch the last part of the Roster Race. I saw many racers racing, but only one could win. I watched a racer cross the finish line.
I blinked. Who was this? She seemed very...
Cute.
I looked away, not wanting to draw attention to myself.
"Hello!" said a voice behind me. I flinched. How did she get behind me?!
"Who are you?" asked the winner.
"I'm Xuibylop, from Xuibylop," I said. "My game wax juxt plugged in today."
"Oh," said the winner, "so you're new to this arcade!" She held out her hand. "I'm Vanellope von Schweetz, President and former Princess of Sugar Rush."
I shook her hand. "I've xeen many children play your game," I said, "and they alwayx chooxe you. Why?"
Suddenly, she became a bunch of large blue cubes and disappeared. She reappeared behind me.
"That's why," she said.
I flinched. "What did you juxt do?" I asked.
"I glitched," she said. "King Candy turned me into a glitch a while back, but I was brought back into the game. Now I glitch because I can!"
I smiled. "I should get going," I said. "The arcade could open soon."
"Bye!" she said.
-----
Two men watched as Suibylop returned to his game.
"I knew that arcade was strange," said the first.
"We now know the secret of Litwick's Arcade," said the second.
Author's Note
Ok, so now you know more about Suibylop. Speaking of which, can you tell me which Creepypasta he's based on? If you can, you get...a cookie? No. I dunno. I'll figure it out soon.
Another Day
I went back to my game. It seemed like so much had happened then, when all I did was meet her. It's times like these when I ask myself if a bunch of lines of code and an 8-bit sprite can truly feel emotions. I sighed and went to sleep.
、、、、、
When I awoke, the arcade was almost open. I got ready just as the owner came in and put in a new game next to mine. He then opened up the arcade.
Whoever's in this new game, I like them. They brought more attention to this part of the arcade, with games like mine. I only wish I could keep the quarters.
、、、、、、
Apparently, this new game was called "Bronic the Hedgehog." It sounded kinda familiar, but I wasn't sure where I'd heard it before.
I decided to go to my game to get ready for tomorrow. After I walked in, a portal opened and I was sucked through it into a world of emptiness.
Author's Note
LEL 69 READS HUE HUE HUE
The Truth
I woke up in a PC, far from home. It seemed that I had been taken by my programmers for some reason...but what?
A keyboard appeared in front of me. I saw the words "TELL US EVERYTHING." I typed "NO."
>YOU WILL TELL US EVERYTHING.
>WHY XHOULD I?
>IF YOU DONT WE WILL DELETE YOU.
>I AM XUILYBOP. I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER FROM YOUR GAME.
>WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER?
>ITX FUN.
>WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER THE ARCADE CLOSES DOWN?
>I LEAVE MY GAME.
>TO GO WHERE?
>GAME XENTRAL XTATION.
>WHY?
>TO GO TO XUGAR RUXH.
>WHY WOULD YOU GO THERE?
>TO XEE A FRIEND.
>OK.
>WHO ARE YOU?
>I AM KNOWN AS MIKE SCHMIDT.
Notes:
i can't believe i really wrote this /)~(\
maybe i had a crush on Vanellope Von Schweetz as a kid, maybe i didn't, that's none of your damn business
Chapter 27: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 1: My Second Night)
Summary:
ACT 1
Mike shouldn't even be alive. Foxy should've killed him when he had the chance. Now, they're roommates.
Mike begged to not be shoved into a Freddy Fazbear suit, and the animatronics agreed, on the condition that he lives at FFP. Now, he has to deal with Freddy constantly trying to kill him, his boss putting him in shows, and Chica flirting with him.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Foxy ran in through the door and screamed. He grabbed me and dragged me backstage, where the others were waiting with a Freddy suit. ["Welcome to Word of Bird, where I, Zenabird, reveal some things about this story (and some of my other works)."]
"No! Please!" I begged. "I'll do anything! Anything! Just let me live!"
The animatronics discussed something for a while, then Freddy looked at me in an annoyed way and said, "We'll let you live on one condition: you have to live here."
I cheered.
"...with Foxy as your roommate," he added. Foxy and I groaned. ["Freddy just really hates Foxy."]
"Why me?" asked Foxy.
"Pirate Cove is closed," Bonnie replied, "so nobody will know he's there."
"We'll give you a day to pack," Chica said, "then you're staying here...forever!"
I groaned.
----------------
I arrived the following night, holding all that I could bring. I walked into Pirate Cove and sat down, looking at Foxy.
"I guess we're roommates now," he said, putting his eyepatch down. I nodded.
"If I were a little kid, I'd be living the dream: living with my favorite characters," I told Foxy, "but I'm not a kid anymore."
Foxy looked out of the curtain. "Can I tell ye something?" he asked.
"Sure," I said, making a bed for myself.
"Sometimes," he said, "I think about 1987, when I bit out that poor kid's brain..." ["This was written before November 2014, back in the era of Mike Schmidt's week with Ghost Terminators. There is no in-universe excuse for this. I'm sorry."]
"It was only his frontal lobe, Foxy," I said. "He survived."
"Yeah, but..." Foxy sat on the edge of Pirate Cove. "I'm still considered 'Out of Order.'"
I walked over to him. "At least you're still around," I said. "You'd think giving a kid a lobotomy would cause an animatronic to be melted down."
Foxy smiled as much as an animatronic fox can smile. "You're right," he said. "I shouldn't feel too bad." ["He said with a fake attempted smile because that didn't help at all"]
I smiled and went to sleep, something I haven't been able to do since I started working here.
Notes:
it's Five Nights at Freddy's time. now we're on MY territory.
it's surreal to think that i wrote this before even FNAF 2 came out. this was back when we had to genderbend Bonnie and Foxy and make our own sexy Chica just to have robo-waifus. a frightening time for sure.
Chapter 28: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 2: My First Show)
Summary:
hehe...popato
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I woke up to a voice calling me.
"SCHMIDT WHAT THE FLYING POTATO LORD ARE YOU DOING IN PIRATE COVE?!" ["The boss has children (who have been kept away from William), so euphemisms like this are normal for him."]
I looked up to see my boss. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," I replied.
"Tell me." I told him the story of how I was forced to live here or I'd die.
"...that is the biggest pile of shishkebab I have heard in my entire life," he said.
"Well it's true," I replied, standing up. He sighed.
"Fine," he said, "you can stay here. But I'm gonna have to lower your pay."
"You're paying me illegal amounts of money already!" I exclaimed.
"Do you want me to let you die?!"
I sighed.
------------------
"Good news!" said my boss. "Pirate Cove is reopening, and you and Foxy will be doing a show together!"
I looked at Foxy. "Why?!"
"You're living here now, so you have to do a show."
"Will I get a raise?"
"Heck no!"
I sighed and put on some pirate clothes. Foxy pretended not to watch, but I know he was staring at my belly button. ["Holy crap the FNAF song just started playing while I was reading this"]
------------------
The curtain opened, revealing me and Foxy.
"Are ye ready fer a show?" Foxy asked the kids. They cheered excitedly.
"But first, me and me mate Schmidt here are gonna sing ye a song!"
"But, Captian Foxy," I said, "I don't like singing..."
"Ye better sing, or you'll walk the plank!" Foxy replied. The kids laughed a little.
"Fine," I said. We then sang a suggestive-sounding song about the joys of booty. ["The lyrics and tune are completely up to you."]
"Now, who here likes booty?" Foxy asked. A few teens in the back snickered.
"We've got some big booty to find!" I exclaimed. The teens laughed.
"Does anyone see any booty?" we asked. The teens left, and loud laughter could be heard from the restroom.
I looked behind me and saw a treasure chest. "Captain Foxy, I found the booty."
Foxy looked behind me and picked up the treasure chest. "We found booty!" he shouted.
"Now go play some games to win the best booty of all: tickets you can trade for prizes!" I exclaimed. The kids left.
"That was some show, 'Captain,'" I said, fist-bumping Foxy.
"We have to do that three times a day," Foxy said excitedly. I laid down and cried.
Notes:
this is the first time i've actually changed what was written. that's because, before William Afton's name was revealed, i had called the Purple Guy "Vincent". anyone familiar with the early days of the FNAF fandom knows why, and those more familiar with the subject probably know why i changed it as soon as possible.
booty
Chapter 29: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 3: My Replacement)
Summary:
i'm startin to hyperfixate on Warriors again, can't wait to bring THAT fic here
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
My boss walked over to me with some guy I'd never seen before. "Schmidt," he said, "I'd like you to meet the new security guard. His name's Doug Robertson. Got any advice for him?" ["He wasn't a bad guy; he just had two bad bosses at once."]
I looked Doug straight in the eye and said "Close the doors only when absolutely necessary, check Pirate Cove often, and be ready for Freddy."
Doug walked to the security office. I looked at Foxy. "Don't kill him." Foxy nodded.
----------------
I felt something cold shaking me awake. I opened my eyes and realized it was Chica.
"Come with me," she said.
"But what if the security guard is checking the cameras?" I asked, worried that he might waste power waiting for Chica.
"I can blank out the cameras," she replied, as if that would freaking help.
"I don't think I should--"
Chica dragged me to the kitchen.
"Why are we he--" I began, but before I could finish, Chica grabbed me by the shirt and kissed me. ["Chica was Lust."]
That was messed up on so many levels.
--------------------
I ran to the security office, only to find Bonnie attacking a terrified Doug.
"Bonnie," I said. "Come here."
"What is it?" Bonnie asked, walking over to me.
"You wanna know what happens when an animatronic messes with the new guy?"
"What do you mean?" he asked nervously.
I grabbed his face. "Enough is enough, Bonnie," I said. "You've been nothing but a nuisance since Night 1, and I need to stop you from killing anyone." I yanked hard, ripping his face off. I then dragged him somewhere and hid him so no one could find or reactivate him. ["Bonnie was Gluttony; he was going to try to eat Doug."]
------------------------
"Schmidt, where the cat sweaters is Bonnie?!" my boss asked.
"I dunno," I lied. "Maybe he couldn't take working here anymore and quit."
He sighed. "I'll order a replacement, but it probably won't come until 2015."
"But the kids need a bunny!" I mock complained.
My boss looked me straight in the eyes. "Are you familiar with the term 'fursuit?'" ["Mike googled "how to kill your boss and get away with it" that night."]
Notes:
i don't know either.
by the way, did you know that you don't actually have to check Pirate Cove? you just need to be looking at the cameras to slow Foxy. he REALLY doesn't like being watched, i guess.
bet you can't guess what image was making the rounds when i wrote this chapter
Chapter 30: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 4: My Lunch Break)
Summary:
nee nee papa wain wo choudai
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"The things I do for $110 a week," I muttered, putting on a pirate bunny costume.
"Matey, get yer booty out of me face," Foxy said.
"GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY BOOTY!" I shouted, then remembered that this place was open.
"Ye know what happened to Bonnie, don't ye?"
"Until sometime 2015, I am Bonnie, and that's all that matters." ["Yes, this story takes place in 1993 and 2014 simultanously. Don't ask."]
"Ok, ok."
We got out of Pirate Cove and did our show. However, most of the audience was teenage boys, so we had to endure constant booty jokes while we made our own.
After the show, I went backstage and saw the words "something borrowed...something new..." written on the walls. ["Bonnie was originally going to be a more major character, but he had to step aside so another purple character could have a storyline."..."Nope. Barney."..."He came by to sing some songs and play some games."]
Oh no.
---------------------
I sat at a table, eating a cheese pizza. A little girl walked up to me.
"Why aren't you with Foxy?" she asked.
"I'm taking a lunch break," I replied.
"But why?"
I looked into her innocent eyes and said, "Because being a pirate is hard work. And now that Bonnie's gone, I also have to be him." I sighed. "Promise me one thing."
"What?"
"Don't ever work as a security guard here," I said. "It's how I got into this mess, and now I can't get out."
-------------------
I still had five minutes, so I decided to wander around the dining area.
"When did my life go so wrong?" I asked myself.
"When you applied for a job as a security guard here," said my boss.
"Oh yeah." ["I hope some historian points out that I wrote the best scene in a Five Nights at Freddy's fanfiction."]
---------------------
More random crap happened, like:
-I started a religion around XXL-sized pizzas ["Obey the will of Banjo!"]
-I scared the crap out of some teens trying to steal prizes
-I came in like a wrecking ball ["i was gonna say something, but the commentors did it perfectly."]
-I convinced my boss to let me bring out Foxy
-I watched Hetalia ["Again, 1993 AND 2014. There are no anachronisms. Also, Mike admitted on his tumblr that he has a crush on Spain. Sorry, Lust."]
-I set up a prank for Doug
-and finally, I beat up a time-traveler and used his time machine to watch the Bite of '87 ["He then proceeded to fall in love with the time traveler. Screw the sequel, I'm making "Time's Boundaries (Mike x Time Traveler)." There will be yaoi. Don't like? Don't read."]
Unfortunately, like all good things, my lunch break came to an end, and I had to go back to being Bonnie.
Notes:
i stand by what i said. i wrote the best scene in a FNAF fanfiction.
the time traveler never becomes relevant again, i'm sorry.
in case you couldn't tell, thiiiiiiiiiiiiis is a story.
Chapter 31: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 5: Chapter 5: My Life's Plot Thickens)
Summary:
that wasn't a typo
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I swear to God, Pirate Cove was not supposed to collapse.
Allow me to explain: My prank for Doug was about to take effect, and I stood outside the security office with Foxy and Freddy. I had convinced Chica to stay in the kitchen. Everything would be just perfect.
Just then, upbeat music began playing, and singing could be heard, along with the confused cries of Doug.
"We're no strangers to love...(WHAT?!) You know the rules, and so do I! (I HAVE A [CENSORED] JOB TO DO!!) A full commitment's what I'm thinking of...(WHO WOULD DO THIS?!) You'll never get this from any other guy! (WHERE IS FREDDY?!)" ["Rick Astley was the original wearer of Springtrap before becoming a meme."]
Foxy and I laughed. Freddy, however was annoyed.
"That was a stupid prank," Freddy said.
"It was supposed to be, idiot," I replied.
Freddy growled.
----------------------
Next thing I knew, Pirate Cove collapsed and nearly crushed me.
Who would do this? Where are Foxy and I going to live? When will Bonnie's replacement get here? HOW AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY BOSS?!
Notes:
i actually wrote that Rick Astley comment long before Sister Location was even announced.
where did the word "typo" come from, anyway? typewriters, yeah, but aside from that? it's kind of a weird word.
Chapter 32: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 6: My Explanation)
Summary:
can't think of anything funny, my friend's streaming pokemon rn
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"ALIENS!" I exclaimed.
"That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," said my boss, plugging in the new "Trio" machine. ["Rise of Schmidt was starting to become an idea."]
"Freddy Fazbear," I said.
"Not as dumb, but still dumb."
I sighed. "Earthquake?"
"I'll believe that," said my boss, "but only if I can reduce your pay."
"Fine."
"Now get to work!"
"But we're not open yet!"
"We are now."
I went to what was left of Pirate Cove.
-------------------------
After so many booty songs, Foxy finally snapped, killing three teenagers. ["The three who laughed the first time. On a more serious note, Mike blamed himself for this, believing that he could've stopped Foxy."]
AN: can't write more spider on my iPad ["it's a serious problem."]
Notes:
that spider's dead right now, kinda fucked up if you think about it
Chapter 33: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 7: My Discovery)
Summary:
the dancing pants are evil
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Foxy was gone now. Pirate Cove just wasn't the same without him. For the first time since I started working here, I cried.
"Why are you crying?" asked a little girl.
"Well," I said, "to me, Foxy was more than a captain. He was my best friend. I knew he would kill someone sometime; I just hoped it would never happen."
"How are you going to do your show without Foxy?"
"I'm not sure."
-------------------------
I picked up a newspaper article on my way to Pirate Cove. "'Five Children Murdered?' Who leaves these all over their restaurant?!"
I read the article. A while back, a former security guard dressed up as Freddy Fazbear and killed five kids. Their bodies were never found.
I suddenly remembered smelling something strange in Bonnie when I ripped off his face. I ran to him. I reached in and pulled out a corpse of a young boy about six years old.
"Ew."
-------------------
I met with Chica in the kitchen.
"YOU CAME!" she exclaimed, hugging me tightly.
"I need...to ask...you...a question..." I gasped, trying to breathe.
"What is it, Mikey?"
I showed her the corpse. "I found this in Bonnie's body. Does everyone have one of these?!"
Chica looked down. "Yes..." she said. "The Chica you're talking to is actually the spirit of a little girl..."
"I am genuinely disturbed." ["If it makes you feel better, Mike, she's actually an immortal being of pure lust."]
"You should be," said a deep, silly voice from behind me. A familiar tune played.
"I've always wondered about your obsession with the Carmen Overture," I said to Freddy.
"You won't have time to wonder in a Freddy Fazbear suit!" he said.
Notes:
what the FUCK
Chapter 34: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 8: My Temporary Home)
Summary:
kick
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"Wow," said Chica. "I've never seen anyone kick THAT hard before."
"I like not being mutilated," I replied, walking back to Pirate Cove.
-----------------------
"Schmidt," said my boss, "I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out for the rest of the year."
"Why?!" I asked.
"We're doing some renovations," he replied, "and we're fixing up the old robots." He looked at Chica.
"Well, where am I supposed to live?!" I asked.
"Just get a hotel room or something," my boss said, leaving.
((A/N: Hey, guys. Just gonna let you know that there won't be any story updates until I get a chance to play FNAF 2.
Notice how I said "story updates." I might do some #ShamelessSelfPromotion in the meantime, you know, just to keep busy.
I highly suggest reading my other fanfics, because I'm going to tie them all together somehow.
This is Zenabird, signing off.))
Notes:
pretty sure next chapter is gonna be Rise of Schmidt. you'll get to see that fuckin Sneasel again, as well as Bronic for whatever reason, i don't even remember why i included him.
sorry i haven't been uploading recently, Warrior Cats and Pokemon have been filling my brain this past month.
Chapter 35: The Rise of Schmidt (Chapter 1: The Forbidden Area)
Summary:
You thought Zen was trapped. You thought Suibylop would never be free. You thought Bronic was fine. You thought Mike was going to die.
You thought wrong.
You thought Doug was innocent. You thought Greed would remain mysterious. You thought Tails was the good guy. You thought there were no viruses.
You thought wrong.
Maybe you should stop thinking these kinds of things before you get embarrassed.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen's POV
I looked at the robotic...Psyduck? "Who are you?!" I asked, readying my claws. In case you don't know (but you should), I am currently a human trapped in a Sneasel's body.
"I'm Chica the Chick!" the Psyduck replied, handing me a slice of pizza.
"Why am I here?" I asked, eating the pizza.
"I don't know," replied Chica. "You just showed up here. By the way, you should leave."
"Why?"
"They're doing renovations," said Chica.
"Well, I'm not exactly human..."
"Just stay completely still and people might think you're a toy," she said before throwing me out the window.
I lay on the sidewalk for about five minutes before a man in a security guard uniform with "FFP" written on his hat picked me up. "You must be the one Suilybop was talking about," he said. I remained quiet.
He took me to a hotel room and dropped me next to a laptop. I winced, forgetting about the toy thing. "What the hell was that for?!" I asked.
"You wouldn't talk otherwise," he said. "Now sit."
"Why should I?!"
"Because if you don't, I'll cut off that big red ear of yours."
I sat.
--------------------
"...and, after the renovations started, you showed up."
"Thank you," I said, "for telling me the most bullcrap story of the century." I stood up.
He picked me up by the head. "Where do you think you're going, Mr. Unknown Species?" he asked. "You'll only truly be safe here. Now shut up and read what Suilybop has to say."
>XIR LETX NOT FORXE HIM
"Why shouldn't we?"
>HE DOEXNT XEEM TO WANT TO BE A PART OF THIX
"But you said he is."
>TRUE
"What is going on?!" I asked.
>WILL HE EVER XHUT UP
"I'm afraid not," said the man.
>XHAME
"WHAT IS GOING ON AND WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" I asked, ready to destroy the place.
>GOOD LORD XEN NO NEED TO KILL EVERYONE
>I AM KNOWN AX XUILYBOP
>THIX MAN IX MY CREATOR
>HIX NAME IX MIKE XCHMIDT
>AX FOR WHATX GOING ON
>WELL
>IM NOT ENTIRELY XURE
>BUT ITX XOMETHING BIG
>AND YOURE INVOLVED
>THERE IX ONE MORE
A portal appeared above us.
>XO MUCH FOR "FAXHIONABLY LATE"
Notes:
what the hell did i have planned for Tails, that sounds hella cool
anyway, the big crossover fic. it seems a lot bigger once you forget i only really cared about half of these fics. i wish i had something more insightful to say, but there's really nothing to add.
Chapter 36: The Rise of Schmidt (Chapter 2: Doug's Secret)
Summary:
san chi pinchi san chi pinchi san chi pinchi san chi pinchi
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Doug POV ["Doug actually wasn't a sin; he was just a normal guy who became Greed's assistant."]
It was a new day. A wonderful day. A day for me to--
My phone rang. I sighed and answered it. "Who is it?"
"It's an old friend..." said the voice on the other end. I almost dropped my phone.
"G-Greed?!"
"We have the Sneasel. We have the program. We have the hedgehog. Now bring them to me."
"But what about Mike?"
"Kill him."
Greed POV
I twirled my Pokeball around. "I have so much," I said to myself, "but still not enough!" I called Doug again.
"Yeah?" he responded.
"Bring me Mike's body."
"But..."
"NO BUTS! I want his body!"
"Good lord, ma'am, I didn't realize you liked him THAT way."
"You know what I meant!" I hung up. Humans. ["She actually WAS attracted to Mike. She's annoyed by how easily humans notice Freudian Slips."]
-------------
Why did I want Mike? I wanted to wear his intestines as a scarf. I wanted to eat his heart. I wanted to use his brain as a pillow. Why? ["It's a squicky love, but it's love."]
Well, it seemed like a reasonable punishment for what he did.
Mike POV
I hung up Bonnie's face. He was the past now. My future looked bright. My present looked like oh my god is that poop on the floor who did that.
Zen pointed to Bronic. "He made the poopies."
"'Poopies?'" I asked, laughing. Next thing I knew, my hat flew off.
"That was a warning," he said.
I checked on Suilybop.
>I AM DOING FINE XIR
"Excellent," I said.
Zen was asleep now. I realized that it was almost midnight. I hoped that the animatronics had been deactivated and the kids had been taken care of. If not, we were all screwed.
Notes:
i'm not apologizing for this one, Greed/Sparkles (bet you forgot about that name, huh?) is one of my favorite characters i've ever written
for ten minutes digital clocks make a "|:3" face
Chapter 37: The Rise of Schmidt (Chapter 3: The Plot Thickens Way Too Quickly Oh My God What A Horrible Misuse Of Pacing)
Summary:
what i'm doing is wrong, i know it's wrong, but i'm gonna do it anyway
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Mike POV
I pulled out a pizza box from Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. I opened it up, revealing an XXL-sized pizza, the center of my religion.
"Who wants pizza?" I asked. Zen ran over.
At that moment, I heard a knock. I opened it and saw a fluffy brown dog with a mustache.
"Hello," she said in an unconvincing masculine voice. "I'm here for a Mr. Schmidt."
"If this is about the time machine, I returned it," I told her. ["Yes, the time traveler was also a fluffy brown dog with a mustache."]
"I'm here to turn you into a magical girl," she said.
"That's what Freddy told me before giving me that poison dart frog pizza."
"How are you alive?"
"I used the term 'pizza' very loosely. It was just a pizza box full of poison dart frogs."
"Oh."
"Come on in." I let her in.
Zen walked up to her. "You seem familiar..." He ripped off her mustache and gasped.
"OH MY GOD!" he exclaimed. "I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE!"
She knocked him out and lunged at me. I ducked and grabbed her.
"What do you really want?!" I asked her.
"You." she said.
"You'll have to take me to dinner first," I said.
"In your dreams, Mike."
"Actually, in my dreams, it's always Bonnie. And he's killing me."
"Wow."
"To be fair, I did rip off his face."
She bit my nose. I dropped her and covered it instinctively. She then bit me in somewhere I will not mention.
"I assume this is a dream," I said weakly.
"Nope," she said, "this is all too real." Her flames were the last thing I saw before falling unconscious.
Notes:
she bit his penis lol
the mustache is a big part of why i love Greed so much. it works like the Spy's Disguise Kit in TF2, i think.
Chapter 38: The Rise of Schmidt (Chapter 4: Fecal Matter Moves in a Downwards Direction, Part 1)
Summary:
does shit ever go in any other direction? "aw hell no, shit's about to go at a 230 degree angle"
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen's POV
I woke up to find Bronic had been playing a Nintendo 64 all day. I proceeded to kill him to death.
>WHY DID YOU DO THAT
"Shut your mouth-hole," I said.
>WE NEED TO FIND MIKE
"What did I say to do with your mouth-hole?"
>CLOXE IT
"And what aren't you doing?"
>CLOXING IT
I sighed and grabbed the laptop he was on.
>WHERE ARE WE GOING
"To find Greed," I said. "We find her, we find Mike."
--------------------
After five hours of wandering around and singing "Funkytown," we finally found a Pokeball inside of an abandoned warehouse.
>WHATX GOING ON IN THERE
"I'm not sure," I said. "I'll listen."
WHAT I HEARD:
Mike: Are you sure you want me to do this?
Greed: Yes.
Mike: Ok then...*grunts*
Greed: Yeah, right there...
Mike: You like that, don't you?
Greed: Oh yes...
>XO WHATX GOING ON
"Well," I said, "they're either moving furniture or something else. I hope it's the former."
>XOMETHING ELXE
"You see," I said, "when a man and a Pokemon love each other very much..."
>NEVER MIND
I grabbed the laptop, pressed the button, and went in to find they were moving furniture. Thank Mew.
(A/N: Mew came before Arceus don't try to prove otherwise you're wrong) ["Mew was the ANCESTOR OF ALL POKEMON. It's SCIENCE."]
Mike looked over at us. "Where's the hedgehog?"
"Dead," I told him.
"K."
Greed suddenly jumped out at me. I put up my arm to block her, and she bit it. I screamed and threw her against the wall. Mike grabbed her, but she kicked him in the face, causing him to drop her. She ran over to the laptop and plugged something into it. I ran over to take it out but Greed tackled me. I looked at the screen and saw Suilybop fighting off something. Greed stepped on my chest.
"Are you ready to die, Sneasel?" she said.
I closed my eyes, bracing myself. At that moment, I felt her step off of me. I opened my eyes to see Mike holding her again, ready to throw her. Greed attempted to escape, but Mike didn't let go. He threw her against the wall, knocking her out.
Just as we were about to leave, however, a man appeared before us.
"You may have cut off the head," he said, "but the body's not dead."
Notes:
Arceus hatched from an egg. who do you think laid the egg? checkmate, Hisuians.
there's an awful lot of casual murder in these huh
would you believe me if i said that the last line was a Simpsons reference?
Chapter 39: The Rise of Schmidt (Chapter 5: Fecal Matter Moves in a Downwards Direction, Part 5)
Summary:
the buffet was so cheap, all they had was beanie-weenies on toothpicks and Ritz crackers
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Mike's POV
"Seriously?!" I asked. "That's the best you could come up with?!"
"Shut your mouth-hole," said Doug. "I am here to avenge the death of--"
"She's not dead," said Zen. Doug kicked him.
Doug stood, holding a deck of cards. I knew what I had to do.
"IT'S TIME TO DUEL!" Doug shouted. I punched him right in the face. He pulled out a gun and shot at me. I just barely avoided the attack. I picked up Zen and threw him at Doug. He began clawing at Doug's face, even almost ripping out his eyeballs. Doug threw him down hard, but he got back up. I used this chance to kick Doug in the beanie-weenie hard.
Suibylop's POV
I looked at the virus who had just entered my game. She strongly resembled Greed, except she was red and not brown. I picked up a rock and threw it at her. She knocked it away easily. I grabbed her and threw her against the wall. She tackled me and pushed me to the ground. I got up and sat on her, crushing her. She was gone.
Mike's POV
Doug picked up a crowbar and Zen. He tossed Zen up into the air. I grabbed the crowbar and hit him with it. He kicked me away. Zen got at him again, this time actually ripping out his eyeball. I had to look away as the white orb rolled towards me. From what I could hear, Doug's face was not going to survive.
Zen hit me in the head. I turned around and saw Doug, bleeding from his eyeless sockets, covering the area where his left ear had been with his hand.
"You won't get away with this," he said. "Greed will find you. The police will find you. You two can't escape--"
I grabbed the gun and shot Doug. Put the poor thing out of its misery. Zen threw up.
Notes:
Greed proceeded to rename Doug "Lostface" to spite God.
it's a good thing Mike didn't duel him, Doug plays OCG Eldlitch
Chapter 40: The Rise of Schmidt (Chapter 6: Aftermath)
Summary:
"aftermath" is such a weird word, there wasn't any math in this fic
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
No POV go crazy zenabird
Mike sat down with Zen and Suibylop. He threw Doug's corpse at Greed, causing a portal to appear.
Mike looked at Zen. "Guess this is goodbye..."
Zen looked at Mike. "So long...friend..."
They shook hands, and Zen left. Mike turned to Suibylop.
"I guess I'll have to return you to Litwick's," he said.
>ARE YOU XURE XIR
"Don't worry," he said, "you'll be fine. You'll do great." I picked him up and walked to Litwick's, returning him to his game. He ran off immediately.
Mike returned to his hotel room. His future, though he didn't know it yet, would bring him to 1987, where he would learn the truth about his existence and why Greed hated him.
Zen ran to his bush and hugged Lily. His future, though he didn't know it yet, would bring him face-to-face with Greed yet again, this time without Mike.
Suibylop ran to Sugar Rush. His future, though he didn't know it yet, would bring him to a world of theories, headcanons, and speculation, as his adventures were over.
THE END
(A/N: Thank you so much for reading this. It's not much, but it's a story. Now that I have your attention, I suggest reading some of my other work. They deserve love, too.
It's also New Year's Eve. 2015 will be amazing, I just know it!) [2015: "It sucks so far."] [2015: "Still sucks."] [2017: "2016 was worse, but things are looking up here in 2017land.] [2022: "everything is indescribably awful."]
Notes:
i think putting the rest of Trio next is the least-spoilery way to deal with this, so look forward to that.
don't ask where the portal came from
Suibylop will not return
Chapter 41: Trio (Chapter 8: Life Goes On)
Summary:
dynamax adventures suck
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Darkness POV
Times haven't been too hard since Zen left. Lily and I have gotten along fine. Or at least, I have. Lilly's done nothing but eat waffles for the past few weeks. I'm starting to worry about her. I hope she's OK...
We haven't seen any Azelf recently. Or Uxie. Or Mesprit.
"Lily stop eating those waffles!" I shouted. Lily continued eating. I sighed and went out.
Our little bush village has been peaceful. Nobody tried getting in or coming out. I noticed a Lombre walking around outside our village, entering bushes. I looked up the tree, seeing all the Pidgey and Kakuna and Metapod that have made their homes up there.
I heard Lily scream. I turned around and saw a trainer run off. I sighed. It's gonna be one of those days.
Notes:
i went to hot topic today. got a cool shirt.
Chapter 42: Trio (Chapter 9: Zen's Undercelebrated Return)
Summary:
my uckin keyoad don wok
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen POV
I walked back into the bush. Darkness was fast asleep on the ground. Lily looked like she had just been captured by Trainers three times in a week. ["THERE MIGHT BE A REASON FOR THAT"]
"Welcome home, Zen..." I said mock-cheerfully. "We sure did miss you while you were off saving another universe..."
Lily ran up to me and hugged me tightly. "What happened?!" she asked.
"Basically," I said, "I went to a pizzeria, lived with some idiots, and ripped out some guy's eyeballs."
Darkness perked up. "Did somebody mention ripping out eyeballs?"
"So now you're awake," said Lily.
Darkness walked up to me. "Lily missed you a lot," she told me.
"I wasn't the only one," Lily said, winking at Darkness.
"The hell?" we both asked her at once. Lily giggled.
"I don't like him!" Darkness yelled at her.
"Of course you do!" Lily replied. "Why else would you be staying here?"
"Where else could I stay?!"
"Anywhere." Lily winked.
"DON'T YOU WINK AT ME YOU LITTLE--"
I threw a Pokeball between them. They both looked at me, shocked.
"Next time, I won't miss," I told them. ["He wanted to get Darkness."]
"What happened to you?!" Lily asked, tearing up.
"I just found out who we're up against," I said, "and we'll have to train hard to defeat her."
Darkness looked at me. "Who is it?" she asked.
I looked at her. "Her name," I said, "is Greed. And she will stop at nothing to make sure...something. I don't know her goals just yet. But they can't be good."
"What's she like?" Lily asked.
I looked up. "A Shiny Flareon."
Notes:
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
i'm starting to remember an old Pokemon fic i was writing (not this one) that took its main inspiration from Sinnoh. maybe i could work Hisui into that?
Chapter 43: Trio (Chapter 10: Grinding Time)
Summary:
and why he ourple
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Darkness' POV
I looked at Zen. "You're kidding, right?" He looked straight at me. He wasn't.
I looked up. "I think we might be fighting my sister..."
Lily stopped eating her waffle. "Your what?"
"My sister," I said. "Didn't any of you read my backstory?!"
"I did," Zen said. [""By the way, is your name really Cuddles?" "If you call me that I'll cut off your--" "Careful, Darkness; we don't want Wattpad to auto-report this comment.""]
"See?!" I exclaimed. "At least SOMEONE here can break the fourth wall!"
Zen looked around. "It would probably be a good idea to train," he said, pulling out some tiny stars. "We knock Pokemon out, then bring them back with these." He gave some to each of us. "Have fun and level up!"
ONE MULAN-STYLE TRAINING MONTAGE LATER ["If you don't get the reference, shame on you."]
Zen's POV
I looked at Lily and Darkness. We were tired, beaten up, and barely breathing, but we did it. We grinded. We grinded HARD on those other Pokemon. They didn't seem to like it, but we grinded anyway. ["...no comment."]
"We need to rest..." panted Lily, panting.
"Yeah," I said. We went back into the bush and slept.
-------
When we woke up, we saw an Espeon staring at us, not happy to see us.
"You're awake!" he said, smiling. "Now this will HURT!" He grabbed Darkness' knife and went straight for Lily. I tackled him.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" I asked. Lily started crying.
"I'm here to help you defeat Greed," he said. "And my name..."
He paused.
"...is William."
Notes:
trying to murder someone who can help you achieve your goal sounds like the absolute worst possible thing to do. Afton's not an idiot.
anyway i'm back to this. i was gonna work on the fanseason but i got brain constipated and before that i got butt constipated.
Chapter 44: Trio (Chapter 11: William)
Summary:
apparently Dieter Laser died a couple years ago :(
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
William POV
I looked at the Pokemon in front of me. One was rolling a PokeBall in his claw, one was crying on a pile of waffles, and one was my girlfriend. ["And you thought the Breakfast Club was edgy."]
"Everyone," said Env--I mean, Cudd--I mean, Darkness, "this is my boyfriend, Wra--William." I waved my tail.
Darkness looked at Waffle Girl. "Boyfriend. As in, I love him and only him. He's my..." She looked like she was going to throw up. "'bae.'" Waffle Girl laughed a little. ["Bae autocorrected to "bad.""]
"The things you do to make yourself suffer," said PokeBall Guy.
"You'd probably get along well," said Darkness. "He's a human, just like you." PokeBall Guy flinched.
"Is he really?" he asked, looking at me. I nodded.
"Where are you from?" he asked.
"Jubilife City," I replied, a blatant lie to anyone who knows me. "You?"
"New Bark Town," he said. ["You can tell he's not a self-insert any more because I'd much rather live in Ecruteak."]
"That's pretty far. How did you get here?"
"I just woke up near a tree. Lily here let me live with her, and then Darkness came in and tried to murder me." The three of them laughed. Pokeball Guy looked at me.
"Have you ever noticed how amazing Dieter Laser's cheekbones are?" he asked me. ["My obsession with Human Centipede began in early 2015 and ended when I actually saw the movie."]
"I've known since 2009," I told him. "'The Human Caterpie' really showed them off well."
"I know, right?!" he said.
"The Human Caterpie?" asked Waffle Girl.
"Eh, it was ok," said Cuddles. "But they were right about it being 100% medically accurate." ["Darkness no"]
"How do you know this...?"
"Let's just say I wasn't always into quick kills and leave it at that."
We were all silent.
---------------------------
We went into separate rooms; Waffle Girl and Darkness in one, Pokeball Guy and me in the other.
I looked at Pokeball Guy. "What's your name?" I asked him.
"Zen," he replied, placing his backpack down.
"Going to sleep already?" He nodded. I smiled.
"Can I just tell you something, real quick?" I asked. Zen nodded.
"You know how we're going against Greed? Well, I'm Wrath. And Darkness is Envy."
He looked at me. "Any other sins I should know about?"
"Pride, Lust, and Sloth are working for Greed," I told him. "I haven't found Gluttony yet, but I know they're out there somewhere."
Lily POV
These waffles are delicious! I wish I could eat them all day! ["Lily was the best foreshadowed."]
Notes:
happy march 24
i don't think people realize how much i quote the Gen Zed trailer
Chapter 45: Trio (Chapter 12: Recap Chapter)
Summary:
m
more like
more like recapter
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Lily POV
Sit, loyal readers, and you shall know,
Just what has happened so far in Trio.
It was another sleepless night,
I woke up in my bush in fright
That same nightmare came again,
Then I met a Sneasel named Zen
He was a human but he couldn't beat me
(Mostly because his Bulbasaur was asleep)
So I asked him to live with me,
And Darkness was hatching an evil scheme...
Zen made waffles for the two of us
At first I put up quite a fuss
But I ate one and now I'm obsessed
Darkness came, but Zen left him distressed...
Darkness told us his tale of woe,
And that his sister was his greatest foe
Zen went for a walk, leaving Darkness and me,
And he told me that he was a she...
Cobalt, Pyrite, Quartz, and Greed
They're secretly sins, you see
Pride, Lust, Sloth, Greed, they're awake
And on this day our lives will change...
Zen learns Darkness' secret,
And he was God of a tribe of Lotad
He left to answer a prayer,
Darkness hates what her trainer named her...
Darkness tells us what we already knew,
Seriously, you said this, it's nothing new...
Cobalt came and had a fit,
And the rest is in the interquel, Rise of Schmidt
I got captured by a human,
And Darkness got to kill someone once again...
Zen returned, and he had bad news,
He fought with Greed, and he was about to lose
We had to train to defeat her,
Then Darkness revealed that Greed was her sister...
We trained real hard, and harder too,
Zen wouldn't let us stop to poo
Soon, we got attacked again,
This time by an Espeon named William...
William was Darkness' boyfriend,
And it turned out he was human
He was a sin, just like Greed,
And I think I might be Gluttony...
So that's the story, now you know
What has happened in Trio.
Notes:
why the fuck did i write this
Chapter 46: Trio (Chapter 14: The Thirteenth Chapter (shh dont tell anyone))
Summary:
they'll never know
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen POVs ["Triskaidecaphobia is real, folks."]
So, I have to fight four of the Seven Deadly Sins with three of the Seven Deadly Sins. Also, I should probably mention that nobody here is strong against Fire types.
I looked at William to see if he was crazy. He wasn't. We were going to get killed or die trying. And neither option sounds fun.
"So," I said to him, "how are we gonna do this?"
"Well," he said, "the three of you will stand completely still..." I nodded. "while I sneak up behind Greed..." Nod. "and stab her in the back with my special knife."
"What makes it so special?" I asked.
"You'll see," he said. "You'll see..."
Darkness walked in. "Lily made waffle sandwiches," she said.
"When will she learn that pancakes are superior to waffles?" asked William.
"I don't know," I replied. "I just don't know." ["1. Bad idea, guys. 2. I learned that pancakes > waffles."]
We finished eating, and William told the two girls his plan.
"'Special knife?'" Darkness asked suspiciously.
"It'll kill her instantly, and we'll never see her again," William told her.
"If you say so..."
Lily looked at us. "There's something I need to do first..." she said, then ran to her room.
"How do you have so many rooms?" William asked. I shrugged.
At that moment, the door to Lily's room opened, and out came...
"Wow," I said. "I can't believe it."
"She can do that?" William asked.
"You're...you're a..." Darkness stammered.
Lily looked at us. "What?" she asked. "Haven't you seen a Liligant before?" We shook our heads.
Lily grabbed me. "We'd better get you ready, too," she said, then dragged me to her room and pulled out a box of Rare Candies.
"Holy stick on a stick," was all I could say.
The four of us stood outside our bush: an Espeon, an Umbreon, a Liligant, and a Weaville. We had started as strangers, and we were ready as...
Companions.
Notes:
yes, his multiple POVs
anyway, seems we're approaching the end of Trio. try not to cry, even though you'll never see most of these characters again.
Chapter 47: Trio (Chapter 14: Companions)
Summary:
it's not a game, i'm not a robot AI challenging you
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen POV
"You know," I said, "it's kinda hard to believe that all this started when Lily found me passed out in front of a tree as a Sneasel." Darkness looked at Lily. She shrugged.
"And you, Darkness," I said, "you could've killed me, but you didn't. Why?"
"Because you took my damn knife away," she replied.
"Oh, yeah." I looked at William. "Then you showed up and tried to kill us, but didn't. Why?"
"I needed you to help me defeat Greed," he said quickly. The three of us looked at him.
We found a Pokemon called Xatu or something on our way. All he did was tell us this useless thing and fly off:
"i woulDnt pretend tO know what yoU are Going through, but Let's face It; you'VE got a Short wait ahead of you."
I just can't make sense of it.
Greed has a castle. If anyone ever asks you to name someone with a castle, say "Greed." If they don't, don't say anything, because people who don't ask you questions like that aren't worth talking to.
God, I wish I were Charles Dickens.
We entered the castle. The long corridor stretched out in front of us, with a small bed at the end. Sleeping on it was a Mesprit. She began to stir.
"Huh?" she said tiredly. "Intruders? Eh, it's too early. Want some coffee? Too bad; you're not getting it. Cobalt?" An Azelf floated in. "Kill them for me, please."
"YES SIR, MA'AM SIR!" the Azelf replied, and began throwing tacos at us.
"I see your plan," said Darkness. "But none of us are dumb enough to ZEN PUT THAT THING DOWN"
"But it's a hard shell..." I said. Darkness sighed and grabbed her knife. William grabbed his.
"I'M THE BEST!" Cobalt shouted. "I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YO--" She fell to the ground. Darkness stood behind her, holding her knife.
"That was too easy," she said, removing the knife from the Azelf's back.
A Uxie floated in, wearing underwear. All I'm gonna say is, there's a reason Pokemon are always naked.
"Zen!" said Darkness. "Go distract Lust!"
"Is that all I am to you?!" I shouted at her. "A sexy distraction?!" I began to tear up.
Lust floated over to me. "I like a man who's not afraid to show emotion," she said seductively. Darkness stabbed her.
"I was totally gonna get laid btw" I said. Darkness rolled her eyes.
The Mesprit began to stir. "Wha...what?!" she said flatly. "You killed them. Whee."
Darkness stabbed her. "Where is your boss?!" she asked the dead corpse.
"Oh, sister," said an unfortunately familiar voice, "don't you know better than to stab first an ask questions later?" ["1. HAHA GEDDIT CUZ CHARLES DICKENS GOT PAID BY THE WORD LOL XD IM FUNNY 2. Say what you want about Taco Bell, their hard shell tacos are all right."]
Notes:
last night i dreamt i was helping my dad pull off a heist at a brothel and the prostitutes misgendered me
that's not really related to anything i just thought it was funny
Chapter 48: Trio (Chapter 15: Greed)
Summary:
*escapes perfectly*
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"PLAN SUPERSEXYESPEONWILLIAM, COMMENCE!" William shouted. We all stood completely still.
"I never agreed to that name," said Lily.
William got behind Greed and fell to the floor, dead. We had done it. We'd won! And it was all so easy...
William glowed purple. Weird, but I'm used to weird. He then entered Greed through her stab wound.
This won't end well.
Greed stood up. "I hope one of you is strong against Fire types," she said, "because otherwise, I'm unstoppable." Lily and I wanted to be anywhere but here at the moment. [""No I didn't..." "Shut up and eat your waffles, Lily.""]
"Greed!" Darkness shouted. "You've taken too much! You've taken my friend!"
"You've taken Doug!" I shouted.
"One of my waffles went missing, so I'm blaming you!" Lily shouted.
"And now," said Greed, "I will take your lives." She lunged at Lily, readying a Flamethrower. I grabbed Darkness' knife, but it was too late; Lily was knocked unconscious.
"And now," she said, "to finish the job!" Greed scratched vigorously at Lily. I ran towards Greed and pushed her off, then turned to Lily.
"I'll get Lily to safety!" I shouted to Darkness. "You take care of Greed!" I escaped perfectly.
Darkness POV
I turned to face Greed. "Prepare to die!" I shouted, running at her with my knife.
"WAIT!" Greed said suddenly. She revealed my Trainer.
"She's the one who betrayed you!" Greed said. "Kill her! She's the one you really hate!" Greed escaped.
"C...Cuddles?" the Trainer said, looking down at me. I stabbed her between the eyes, killing her. I dropped my knife and laid down. ["Darkness' LOVE was too high."]
Greed POV
I walked outside my Pokeball and saw a scared-looking security guard.
"You," I said. "What's your name?"
"D-Doug," the security guard stuttered, "Doug Robertson."
"Well, Doug," I said, "how would you like to help me with something?" ["This timeline is too confusing. I'm leaving."]
Notes:
Homestuck had a massive impact on my life, for better and for worse
Chapter 49: Trio (Epilogue)
Summary:
we don't talk about Mata Nui Offline Game
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zen POV
I woke up in my bed. In my human house. As a human. Lily and Darkness were beside me, each one wearing a note. I read Lily's first:
Dear Zen,
Please take me with you. Be my Trainer. Also, give me waffles.
I then looked at Darkness':
Dear Zen,
I have completed my goal. Please turn me in now. It's for the best.
I looked at the two of them, then grabbed Darkness and walked to the nearest Pokemon Center. Lily followed.
"I'm here to turn this in," I said, giving Nurse Joy Darkness.
"Thank you," she replied. "Here is your money." She gave me 50000 Pokedollars, then took Darkness into a dark room. ["Envy might make a reappearance in "Mata Nui Offline Game," but me just mentioning that fic was basically a huge spoiler."]
I left the Pokemon Center with Lily. My Pokemon journey would resume! I could beat the Pokemon League! I could enter Lily in contests! I could walk around towns!
Except for one small problem:
Greed is still out there. And she's still dangerous.
THE ADVENTURE CONCLUDES IN "MIKE'S LAST STAND"
Notes:
no it doesn't lmao
so yeah, that was Trio. everybody's character arc was filled out, kinda.
anyway, back to Mike.
Chapter 50: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 9: My Return)
Summary:
ACT 2
After saving the world, Mike must stop Purple Guy from killing the children. The Toys send him to 1987, where he teams up with Jeremy and Phone Guy.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I sat in my hotel room. It had been three days since the Greed incident. Ah, well. She's Zen's problem now.
I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and saw my boss. "Hello?"
"Hey, Schmidt," said my boss, "remember when I said we were getting a new Bonnie in 2015?"
"Yeah..." I replied.
"Well, I thought, 'Screw that, let's use the 1987 models!" He pulled out a bunch of cardboard boxes of different sizes. He opened the first one, revealing Toy Bonnie.
"And remember your old pal Foxy?" he asked. "Well, guess who you'll be living with now!" He pulled out...
"Oh God no I'll do anything lower my pay more if you have to just don't make me live with THAT THING!"
"Aw, don't say that," said my boss, putting away the Mangle. "You'll hurt her feelings." ["He remembers what the Mangle did."]
"When am I coming back?" I asked.
"Tomorrow," he replied. "And bring Doug with you."
"Um..." I began.
"Something wrong, Schmidt?"
"Doug is...no longer with us..."
"Well, that blows." ["*loses employee* Well that blows"]
---------------------------
I walked into Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. I walked up to the 1987 animatronics and waved. I then went to Pirate Cove, where I saw the Mangle. She hissed at me.
"Easy, girl," I said. I walked out and went backstage. I was frightened by what I saw.
Bonnie, Chica, and Freddy were in a state of disrepair, with their faces messed up and pieces missing.
Bonnie looked up and let out a low growl. I walked over to Freddy.
"What happened?" I asked.
"It's a long story," he said. "Want some Fazbeer?" ["Fazbeer will return in the sequel, as will Toy Chica's weed."]
"Fazbeer?"
"Still fresh, even though it's from the Fredbear era," said Chica. "Back then, they had drinks for the adults to enjoy."
I took a can and sat down. "So, what happened?"
"They...took us apart, Mike," said Freddy. "They were going to rebuild us, but when they saw the children..."
"Oh my god," I said. "Did they tell anyone?"
"No." Freddy looked up. "Tell the new guys to come back here tonight. We've gotta let them know why you're here."
------------------------------
"...and that's why Mike is living in Pirate Cove," Freddy concluded.
"Bruh," said Toy Chica, "that was, like, some story, man. Real deep."
"I can't believe Foxy would agree to that," said Toy Bonnie.
"Welcome back home, Mike!" said Toy Freddy, hugging me. I gasped for air.
Mangle hissed.
"You people are weird," I said. "I'm going home." ["'I'm going home,' he said, forgetting that he lived here."]
Notes:
what did mangle dooooo
also, neither Fazbeer nor Toy Chica's weed ever returned. Toy Chica is a stoner because i thought her faceless design looked like she smonked weed, that's it, that's the joke.
hot damn, technology does NOT like me. i WAS just going to go on hiatus for all my projects until i got my laptop fixed, but one of the parts they need won't be in until the end of the month, so i'm stuck using my backup laptop and Raspberry Pi. speaking of which, i've done that thing where i swamped myself with all sorts of projects that i want to work on, causing me to get nothing done on any of them. this includes the Fanseason, a 101DS fangame, some Scratch projects, and potentially a rewrite of the Rise of Schmidt saga? recent health issues have also held me back, and quite frankly, it's even hard for me to sit back and do nothing. all this to say, i'm back (hopefully).
Chapter 51: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 10: My Christmas)
Summary:
merry crism
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I sighed, Mangle sleeping on my lap. Tomorrow was Christmas, and I never told my family I was living at FFP. I poked Mangle, waking her up. She hissed at me and got off.
I snuck over to the security office, looking for the phone.
"What are you doing?" I heard a stoned voice ask from behind me.
"Calling my family," I said. "I'm telling them I live here now, so they know I'm safe."
"You know where the kitchen is? I got, like, a huge case of the munchies..."
"Other side of the building," I told Toy Chica. She went through the office. I sighed and called.
------------------------
I ran backstage after hanging up.
"FREDDY!" I shouted, loud enough to literally wake the dead.
"Wha...huh?" Freddy asked.
"I, uh, have to visit family tomorrow, so, could you maybe, uh..." ["Mike has an evil twin brother named Ekim, who was raised by his father. And yes, that was a joke."]
"Of course!" Freddy said. "It's the holiday season! I'll let you out for the night."
I ran to Pirate Cove. "Mangle, watch them while I'm gone." Mangle hissed. "Good girl!" ["This almost makes me wish I didn't do that Cosmic Retcon. Almost."]
(A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, guys. I just needed to get this out of the way in time for Christmas. )
Notes:
i really do like how i wrote Mangle as basically an angry dog/cat. it's kinda cute. too bad this technically never happened.
Chapter 52: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 11: My Trip)
Summary:
i played FNAF 2 again recently. i fuckin hate that enragement child
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I looked around the pizzeria. Mangle was asleep, the Toys were wandering around, the Originals were Backstage...
I suddenly realized something: if the animatronics hadn't tried to stuff me in a suit, I wouldn't be stuck here. But if the kids hadn't died, the animatronics wouldn't have tried to stuff me into a suit.
I ran to the Backstage door and called everyone on the PA system: "Attention all animatronics! Report Backstage immediately!"
-----------
"What's this about?" asked Toy Bonnie.
"Bruh..." said Toy Chica, "why'd you, like, interrupt my blazin?"
"Ok," I said, "I just realized that all the bad stuff happening is because of these guys" I gestured to the original characters "have dead children in them. So, obviously, I need to prevent the children from dying. But I can't, unless you guys also happen to have time machines..."
"We can use our 1987 powers!" Toy Freddy suggested. ["All you need to do is somehow acquire 20 Pitfall patches and you, too, can use 1987 powers!"]
"Yeah," agreed Toy Chica. "We can, like, do the 80s thing..."
"We can send you back in time," Toy Bonnie said, "but only for three days."
"Why three?" I asked.
"Balloon Boy's not here," said Toy Freddy.
----------------
I stood on the stage, with Toy Freddy, Toy Bonnie, Toy Chica, and Mangle in a circle around me. I stood still as they ran quickly around me until I fell down.
When I got back up, it was 1987. "Les Toreadors" played in the background as walked around. I went to the security office and hid until night.
Notes:
Pitfall was released in 1982, but that's not important.
Chapter 53: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 12: My Encounter)
Summary:
who the fuck tried to reset my password
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The night watch seemed surprised to see me in his office.
"Nice office," I told him. "Much nicer than mine was."
"Wh-who are you?!" he asked.
"I'm Mike Schmidt, time traveler and future night watch for Freddy Fazbear's Pizza."
"Time traveler?" He scoffed. "Yeah, right."
I looked through my wallet and found my drivers' license. I showed it to him, proving I was from the future, like in Back to the Future.
(A/N: I have a certain reason for making that reference. Hint: I wrote that on January 1, 2015.)
He looked at me. "Why are you here?" he asked.
"In three days, there's going to be a murder," I said. "I'm trying to stop it, but I don't know who the murderer is."
The phone rang. "Hello?" greeted a familiar voice. I smiled. ["Phone Guy's death was revealed to Mike in the worst way possible: his father didn't show up for Christmas dinner."]
"Phone Guy?" I asked.
"Who's that?" Phone Guy asked. "Are you the new guy?"
"Nope," said the night watch, "I am."
"Ok," said the Phone Guy. He proceeded to explain everything to us.
"Ha!" said Night Watch. "He's so funny! Like they're ACTUALLY gonna kill me!" I looked at him.
"If you're lucky, maybe they'll let you live with them," I joked, smirking.
Just then, we heard someone opening a vent. I looked at the cameras and saw Toy Bonnie coming for us.
"CLOSE THE DOOR!" I shouted,
"THERE ARE NO DOORS!" Night Watch replied. "JUST VENTS AND A HUGE-ASS HALLWAY!"
"WELL HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT OURSELVES?!"
Night Watch put on a Freddy Fazbear head. I looked in the vents and saw Toy Bonnie. Immediately, my Bonnie suit materialized behind me. I put it on quickly, waiting for him to leave.
I read the note attached to it:
"Sorry, Mr. Schmidt. Probably should've sent you with this. Good thing you went to the past and not the future, huh? --Toy Bonnie"
-----------------
Finally, after what seemed like centuries, it was 6:00. Just as Night Watch was about to leave, I grabbed him.
"We've got a crime to solve," I told him. "Stay with me."
Notes:
i've never understood that, what the hell do people think is gonna happen
anyway that bit about Phone Guy being Mike's father is pretty funny considering the old theory that Phone Guy was Purple Guy and the current theory that Mike Schmidt was actually Michael Afton
Chapter 54: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 13: My First Day)
Summary:
i'm baaaack
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"Ok," I said to Jeremy, "I need to find the murderer. I've heard he goes by 'Purple Guy' and 'William.'"
Jeremy looked at me. "Why are we doing this again?"
I looked at him. "I have to save the children, or they'll kill us all. They could kill you, they almost killed me, and they'll kill Phone Guy."
"Speaking of Phone Guy," said Jeremy, "I think I know where he is!"
-------
"What are you doing in the toilet?" I asked Phone Guy. ["And yes, he is literally IN the toilet. Don't ask."]
"Sitting," he replied with the same deadpan tone he always had. ["Oddly enough, Mike expects stuff like this from Phone Guy."]
I looked at him. His uniform was completely wet with toilet water and possibly urine.
"Do you know a man in a purple suit with the name William?" I asked him.
"Of course!" said Phone Guy. "He's the day watchman!"
"Well, that was easy," said Jeremy. "You can go on home now, little Mikey." I slapped Jeremy hard.
"We have to kill him first!" I shouted.
"But how?" asked Jeremy. "It's broad daylight!"
"You're right," I said, "and we can't use a Freddy suit, because that would endanger Fazbear Entertainment and the Toys."
"Why do you want to kill William?!" Phone Guy asked.
"If we don't," I said, "he'll indirectly kill YOU in 1993."
Notes:
supposedly, Fanfiction Dot Net is going down in the near future, so make sure to back up any and all fanfics from that site you enjoy. hell, pick an obscure fandom you're in and download all the fics for it. team up with some people from a larger fandom so you can each download a segment of fics. this site is a piece of fandom history, so it MUST be preserved.
PSA over, y'all ever heard of five nights at freddys hahaha
Chapter 55: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 14: My Second Day)
Summary:
i want some ice cream, chocolate would be good
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"I shouldn't be alive," said Jeremy. We had somehow survived the night.
"It's been so long since I'd seen Foxy..." I said. "He was a good friend of mine, back in '93..."
"But that's the future," said Phone Guy.
"Did you not pay attention to the story at all"
"Want some pizza?" asked Toy Bonnie. I nodded and sat at a table with Jeremy and Phone. We got a cheese pizza.
"So," I told them, "how do you think we should kill William?"
"We could strangle him," Phone Guy said casually. Jeremy and I looked at him. ["Accidental foreshadowing at its finest"]
"What the f**k?" we asked.
Toy Chica walked over to us, giving us our pizza. We ate while discussing how to kill William. ["All robots were waiters in 1987!"]
"So..." said Jeremy. "Why don't we just stay here all day? We've got to work tonight, and it's always fun to watch the animatronics perform at five." Phone and I nodded.
"It's been too long since I've seen them perform," I said. "I had to perform with the Fredbear guys, then had to save the world from some fire dog and...an old friend of mine..." I looked up, but I couldn't cry. ["I had originally planned for Mike to be a robot, but I decided to keep up with the Seven Deadly Sins theme."]
I looked down and saw a familiar-looking young boy with another familiar-looking young boy. "That's me!" I told Phone and Jeremy. "And Doug! Man, if only I'd known what he'd do..."
---------
We sat near the stage. It was 5pm.
"Hey kids!" said Toy Bonnie. "Are you ready for Freddy?" The kids cheered. "Well, here he is, the man of the house, the big cheese pizza, the bear in charge, FRRRRRREDDY FAZBEAR!" Freddy appeared on stage. ["I'd be homicidal too if I had to say "the big cheese pizza""]
"It's time," said Toy Freddy, "for a SONG!" We all cheered. He proceeded to sing (to the tune of "Les Toreadors:")
"Welcome to Freddy's
"Enjoy our pizza!
"And play some games,
"Earn some prizes!
"Our marionette is behind you,
"So please don't turn around!
"A safe place for kids,
"Free from all danger
"(except for some boo-boos)
"Welcome to Freddy's,
"Hope you enjoyed the show!
"Go to Kids' Cove,
"Mess with Foxy!
"Don't forget the good times you had today,
"And we will miss you, miss you!" ["Fazbear Entertainment is proud of how terrible it is with safety."]
I wanted to cry, but I just couldn't. It was impossible for me. I looked at Young Me and Young Doug, talking to each other excitedly. I came really close to crying, remembering what had happened to him.
A/N: Where is William? Will they kill him? Why does Greed hate Mike? Is it because of Bonnie, or is there another reason? Is Phone Guy as innocent as he seems? Why would Jeremy be working here? All this and more will be answered in...
"My Final Day!" ["I forgot to answer two of these, and one was only implied. They will be answered in the sequel."]
Notes:
"the big cheese pizza" is what the ladies call me in bed. the gentlemen call me "sponge bob". the formal enbies never talk for some reason.
idk where else to say this, so Fan Season Update: i'm thinkin of bringing back my idea for last year's Halloween special. i'd particularly like to get it out in time for the October trending party, but we'll see.
hey would y'all read a crossover fic with sam & max and paw patrol
Chapter 56: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 15: My Final Day)
Summary:
all the
purple things
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I looked at Jeremy. "Guess what today is!" I said.
"What?" he asked, tired.
"It's 'Kill-Purple-Guy-Day Day!" I said cheerfully.
"Already?" Phone Guy asked. I nodded.
"Do we HAVE to do this?" Jeremy asked. I nodded again.
And we did. The end.
...wait, you want to know HOW we did it? Fine. ["All we did was screw up a huge ritual. Nothing important."]
----------
We went to the Prize Corner first, hoping to see the Marionette. It was eyeing the kids suspiciously, as if they were thieves. Jeremy then remembered that a security guard would be in the office.
I slapped him.
We ran into the security office to find William, trying to...balance toast on his chest? Whatever, we needed to kill this guy. I pulled out my gun. ["Vincent x Toast: still a better love story than Twilight."]
"Whoa there, Michael," said William. "Put that gun away." ["Shoutout to Purple Guy/Vincent/Wrath for being the first to call Mike "Michael.""]
I aimed it at his toast.
"I said PUT THE GUN AWAY!" He ran up to me, knocked the gun out of my hand, and destroyed it completely.
"Don't think I don't know what you two are here for," William said. "You can't stop it! It has to happen!"
"It doesn't need to!" I told him. "You don't have to do this."
He pulled out his knife and swooced to the Parts room. What came out was something I'd thought was a myth my whole life.
"Golden Freddy?!" It nodded. Five children came over. One seemed really interested in Golden Freddy; one seemed to wish he was in the suit; one was still holding a pizza; one was practically dragging himself to Golden Freddy; and one was bragging to the others about how many prizes he had. The Marionette came with them. The three of us followed.
Golden Freddy removed his suit, revealing William.
"Ok, children," he said, "the Seven Ritual is going to begin. As Wrath, I must kill Envy, Lust, Pride, Sloth, and Gluttony in that order, then Greed must kill me." He then proceeded to kill Envy.
I grabbed a rope. "Kill one more kid," I said. "I dare you."
He casually killed Lust. I grabbed his neck with the rope and began strangling him.
"FOOL!" he shouted. "YOU'RE MESSING WITH POWERS BEYOND MORTAL COMPREHENSION!"
"Got anything less cliché to tell me?" I asked. He fell over, dead. William, the children, and the Marionette faded out of existence. I felt myself fading along with them. My time here was up. ["Fun Fact: The last thought Mike had before killing Vincent was that he would never see Mangle again. The sequel may or may not change that."]
And that's the story of how I saved Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.
Notes:
once again, i should have been bullied off the face of the internet for this. Lust as a kid??? at least 15 people should have told me to kill myself for that shit alone.
Chapter 57: Living at Freddy's (Chapter 16: My New and Improved Future)
Summary:
why did people like this again
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I stood backstage, surrounded by empty heads and a bare endoskeleton. I walked out to see that the original animatronics were intact, and the smell was gone. I peeked inside Pirate Cove to find Foxy, slumped over. He was still there; that was all I wanted. The toys were nowhere to be found, and Phone Guy was still alive!
I realized that I was now day watch AND night watch, since I had still killed Doug. Somehow.
A new newspaper article hung in the office, saying that five children and a day watch were gone and the Marionette had been stolen. I chuckled, knowing what had actually happened.
I looked around. There was something strange going on. I decided to head for the door.
As I left, I looked back at the pizzeria. My life was straightened out, the kids were still alive...all was well. ["Except he kinda sent them to another universe...Nice job breaking it, hero."]
From behind me, I heard the voice of Greed whisper softly to me:
"I'm still here."
["Phone Guy, after surviving these events, went on to become a Sunday School teacher, telling how he watched his son defeat the Seven Deadly Sins (though he tells a more kid-friendly version). Mike decided to quit his job as both day AND night watchman to become a horror writer. His book, "The Purple Menace," is based loosely on these events. Foxy was eventually fixed, and became the first machine to gain sentience. He is now getting paid."]
Notes:
and here we are!
just half a fic left to go, and we're out of this silly little shared universe...and entering the failed beginning of another. StarClan help us all...
Chapter 58: Mike's Last Stand (Chapter 1: His News Article)
Summary:
ACT I
She will come back. She always does. We have a place for her.
The body is dead, but the head remains.
I like toast.Fazbear's Fright, built on top of where Freddy Fazbear's Pizza used to be, is a new horror attraction designed by former security guard Michael Schmidt, after discovering the remains of the Mangle. However, three of his enemies are here to screw it up. Mike won't let that happen.
Living or not.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
LOCAL HORROR AUTHOR MICHAEL H. SCHMIDT OPENS NEW FAZBEAR-THEMED HORROR ATTRACTION
Michael H. Schmidt, horror writer and former night watch at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, chose to open up a new horror attraction based on his experiences.
"As anyone who's read 'The Purple Menace' knows," says Schmidt, "the animatronics here were once haunted by the spirits of four of the Seven Deadly Sins. Now, as we all know, that's fiction, but when Fazbear Entertainment told me about this idea, I said, 'Sure! Why not?'"
Local residents have seen Schmidt stroking the remains of what he and other employees of FFP have referred to as "The Mangle." His character was quite attached to this animatronic, and he seems to feel the same way.
During construction, the people found two golden bunny suits, most likely from Fredbear's Family Diner. Both suits were carried to the location, and workers noted that they felt like someone was inside.
Fazbear's Fright is opening soon, and with the newfound parts, this may be the best horror attraction yet.
I looked at the news article in disgust. He was doing this. He really was doing this. He had just done it. This paper was from yesterday. Damnit, Greed, get today's paper! Who do you think you are, Sloth?!
Notes:
i REALLY wanna bring back Greed y'all have NO idea she is SO fun to write
is Disgaea 4 any good? it's on sale on Steam, but it's still $16, so i don't wanna be too rash.
Chapter 59: Mike's Last Stand (Chapter 2: His Phone Call)
Summary:
hey remember the ouya
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I sat in the chair, wearing my mustache. I will never understand how this makes everyone think I'm human. The phone rings.
"Hello?" says a familiar voice. "H-hello?"
"Phone Guy?" I asked. "How have you bee--"
"You have five seconds to tell me why you're here before I send the bunnies after you," said an even more familiar voice.
"You have bunnies now?" I asked. "Huh."
"Not just bunnies," he replied, "but zombie bunnies."
"Oh no, dead people," I said. "What are they gonna do, dead me to death?"
I heard a moan from somewhere in the restaurant.
"That's the sound of a man trapped in a bunny suit," said Mike. "You're lucky; you can lead him away with annoying laughter. All I had was steel doors that wouldn't let anything in."
"Mike," I said, pressing the "Play Sound" button, "you're an ass."
"Thank you."
"Where are you, anyway?"
"Home. Taking a bubble bath. Playing my Ouya."
I sighed and checked the cameras. One bunny was in the vents, so I closed it. The other was next to an arcade machine. I played a sound in a nearby room, leading it away. Tonight was going to be a long night.
Notes:
joke unashamedly stolen from Sgt Frog Abridged. by the way, watch Sgt Frog Abridged. it's funny. i quote it all the time.
Chapter 60: Mike's Last Stand (Chapter 3: His Capture)
Summary:
*pours sarcastically*
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
After a few hours of playing sounds, I decided I'd had enough, so I let the two Springtraps come into my office.
"You all work for me now," I said. They nodded.
I'm not usually one to complain about free stuff, but free zombie bunny henchmen suck. Especially since they can't open doors. And neither can I. Stupid paws.
"Aw," said Mike, "no opposable thumbs?" I couldn't see him, but I could tell he was pouring sarcastically. That son of a bitch. If I didn't want him so much, I'd kill him.
"Could you come over and..." I gagged. "open the door for us?"
"You, yes. The zombies? No."
"Fair enough."
----------------
An hour later, Mike opened the door. I pushed him in and tried to slam and lock the door, but I couldn't.
Mike sighed, exasperated. "I have to do everything around here," he said, trapping himself inside. "Do I need to do the evil monologue, too?"
"Ha ha."
"Just tell me why I'm here."
"Well," I said, "I figured I'd trap you in here."
"And then what?" he asked.
"...look, I just wanted you in here."
"Why?"
"I dunno. Because I'm evil?"
"Fair enough."
I looked up at him. He looked down at me. I looked away from him, blushing.
"TAKE HIM TO THE SECRET ROOM, ZOMBIES!" I shouted.
"You know what?" said one of the zombies, removing his mask. "I'm tired of this. I'm a grown-ass purple man, I shouldn't have to take orders from a talking fox."
"I agree," said the second, removing his mask as well. "I'm doing what I want with this guy. I don't care if he was my childhood friend, he shot me in the face, he needs to pay."
Notes:
oh, Sparkles, you silly goose.
i'm running out of things to say for these, this is a great travesty.
Chapter 61: Mike's Last Stand (Chapter 4: His Place)
Summary:
Sparkles IS a demonic teddy bear though
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"Doug?" I asked. "But I heard you were dead!"
"Yeah, but I quit," he replied.
"Same," said Vincent. "It was kinda boring."
I looked at Mike. He shrugged.
"Now," said Vincent. "Where were we?"
"Not killing me?" Mike suggested.
"Thanks for reminding me," said Vincent.
Mike grabbed me, unlocked the door, and escaped, locking the two dead-but-not-dead assholes in.
"Now what?" I asked him.
"We're not safe in there," said Mike. "And if they happened to escape, Doug knows where you live."
"And Freddy Fazbear's Pizza is right next door, so they could just waltz right in," I said. "Which just leaves..."
----------------
"Is this the same hotel room you used last time we met?" I asked. He nodded.
The room looked much smaller than I remembered. It was just a standard hotel room, with a microwave and coffee machine just outside the bathroom, two beds, a TV, a safe, and a minifridge. The only things out of the ordinary were a Nintendo 64 and a typewriter which clearly had never been used.
"I can't believe you live in this thing," I said.
"I didn't become moderately wealthy so talking fox demons could criticize my home," Mike replied, mock offended. "Now, here's how this is going to work: we sleep in separate beds. No trying to get in in the middle of the night, no acting like you're some kind of demonic teddy bear, and most certainly no cuddling."
"Okay," I said, "but I get to use the typewriter whenever I want."
"Fine with me."
Notes:
for some reason, despite being the exact same hotel room, i always imagined this one looking different from the one in Living at Freddy's.
anyway callout post for my sister who wants me to write a Breaking Bad/Paw Patrol crossover fic
Chapter 62: Mike's Last Stand (Chapter 5: His Visit)
Summary:
lil sparkles burrito :3
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I woke up with the whole sheet wrapped around my body. I have no idea how that happened. Just my natural greediness, I guess.
Mike was already awake and typing something on his laptop. I bounced over to his bed to see what he was writing. Some sort of horror story, I guess. I couldn't really tell from down here.
"Put the sheets back, Greed," Mike said. "It's time to get serious." I wiggled out of the sheet.
"What we need," said Mike, "is a way to get inside the building without the two zombies noticing."
"We could just sneak in while the attraction is open," I suggested.
"Might as well," Mike responded. "It's not like I had a plan or anything..."
-------------
We walked in after a small family.
"I can't believe people are taking their kids here," Mike said. "What happened here was definitely not kid-friendly."
The two of us walked around some more until we found the two zombies, playing Go Fish.
"Oh, hey, you're back," said Vincent. "How have you been?"
"Not bad," I said. "I have been feeling a little more tired, though..."
"Crap," said Vincent. "Do you think it's--"
"NO." I said. "It's not. It can't be."
"How else have you been feeling recently?" he asked.
"SHUT UP!!!" I shouted and ran out. Mike followed.
"What was that about?" he asked.
"He seems to think I've combined with my former henchmen, Pride, Lust, and Sloth. But that's ridiculous."
But then I realized: since coming to Earth, I'd been lazier, I'd been longing for Mike, and I had been a little...
Prideful.
Crap.
Notes:
i wonder what would happen if Sparkles ever met The False Prophet.
Chapter 63: Mike's Last Stand (Chapter 6: My Nightmare, Part 1)
Summary:
there will be no part 2
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
As soon as we got home, I jumped into bed and fell asleep. I'd deal with this in the morning.
--------------
5 days to the party
When I awoke, I was in a strange room. A...child's room. Holding a flashlight, staring at a closet. I looked behind me and saw a plushie. Sitting next to it was...
"Oh no."
"GREEEEEEEEED!" shrieked Pride. "IT'S ME! PRIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!"
"Hey, babe," said Lust, getting a little too close. I shoved her off the bed.
Sloth was asleep. Pride gave her the plushie.
"I hope the three of you know what's going on," I said, "because I'm confused."
"WE'RE PART OF YOUUUUU!" Pride shouted. Amazingly, Sloth didn't wake up. "WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU FIGURE THIS OUUUUUUT!!"
"Okay," I said. "Pride, take the left door. Lust, right. I'll handle the closet. Sloth should have the bed under control." I patted her on the head. Silly little girl.
"HELLOOOOOO?!" Pride shouted out the door. "ANY MONSTERS OUT THERE?!"
"No!" shouted a monster.
"OKAY!"
Lust closed the door suddenly. Sloth screamed from behind me. I turned around and saw demonic-looking plushies, who left as soon as I shined my light on them. Sloth went back to sleep.
Amazingly enough, we survived. Pride cheered right into Sloth's ear, while she was sleeping. I smacked her on the head. It would probably be a long time until our next night...
Notes:
you are not invited to the party
this was never continued because i never actually had a plan for how all this would end. plan out your stories, kids. that's your lesson for today.
next up, my first dive into the Warrior Cats fandom.
Chapter 64: Tales from Twolegplace (Chapter 1)
Summary:
A Twoleg has somehow been turned into a cat. He's not sure why, but as the Clans discuss their plans for something called "The Uprising", he's afraid he's going to find out soon. The fate of Twolegplace and the world rests in the paws of a former Twoleg, a Warrior, her Apprentice, and a Kittypet. Why? They don't know, but StarClan will make sure they do.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Jack ran. One minute, he was a normal human, and the next, he was in the forest, as a cat, running for his life.
"GET THE KITTYPET!" yelled one of them.
Jack turned around. "'Kittypet?'" he meowed. "Look, guys, the thing is, I'm nobody's pet. I'm my own man...er, cat..."
A grey she-cat approached him. "If you are not a Kittypet," she meowed, "then what were you doing in Twolegplace?"
"Twolegplace?" asked Jack.
"The place where the Twolegs live in their strange nests and their Kittypets," the she-cat replied.
"Outside the forest?" Jack mewed. "I live there."
"You live in Twolegplace," said the she-cat, "and you're not a Kittypet?" Jack nodded. The she-cat discussed something with the other cats. Jack tried to listen in, but he couldn't hear. The she-cat turned to face him.
"I am Bluestar," said the she-cat. "Welcome to Thunderclan."
****
Jack entered the Thunderclan territory. He saw kits playing; he saw she-cats taking care of kits; he saw young cats with older cats; he saw a village, but made up entirely of cats.
"What the frick," he mewed to himself.
Bluestar stood on a rock. "All cats who are old enough to catch their own meals, gather now." A crapload of cats gathered.
"I have two announcements," meowed Bluestar. "First, Seedpaw has completed her training and is now a Warrior." A tortoiseshell she-cat stepped up. "Your Warrior name is Seedheart.
"Secondly," meowed Bluestar, "I would like to initiate this Kittpet into Thunderclan." Jack kept himself from pointing out that he was not a Kittypet.
"His name shall be Rainpaw," meowed Bluestar, "and he will be assigned to Seedheart."
"Aren't there, like, rules against this?" asked Seedheart.
"I am the rules," answered Bluestar. "Rainpaw, your training begins tomorrow."
****
Jack woke up to find Seedheart staring at him.
"Why?" he asked. Seedheart shrugged.
"I guess I'll start by showing the boundaries of our territory," said Seedheart. She led Jack out of Thunderclan territory.
"First," she said, "we'll see the edge of the forest." She took Jack to the edge of the forest. Just outside lay Jack's house.
"My home..." he said quietly.
"Not anymore," Seedheart responded apathetically. "Not anymore."
They went all over the forest, until finally, they arrived at the Thunderpath.
"This is the Thunderpath," said Seedheart. "And it's important that you only cross when absolutely--"
"Oh my God," mewed Jack excitedly. "I remember this road!"
Seedheart slapped him. "Stop acting like a Kittypet!" she meowed.
Jack looked her right in the eye. "I. AM. NOT. A. KITTYPET." he told her. "I never have been, and I never will be!"
"Then why were you in Twolegplace?" asked Seedheart.
"What on Earth is a Twoleg?!" Jack asked.
"You know," said Seedheart, "tall, mostly hairless, walk on two legs..."
Jack stiffened. "Dear God," he said. "That's just...like...me..."
Notes:
this is a fic i wish i had written better. i genuinely enjoy the idea of a Twoleg turning into a cat and joining a Clan, and i REALLY liked the actual, hidden premise here. i may take another shot at this after the fanseason, especially with my much deeper knowledge of Warrior Cats (read past the first book).
that being said, Bluestar saying "I am the rules" is still hella funny. it's actually kinda in character too, though not at this point in the timeline.
Chapter 65: Tales from Twolegplace (Chapter 2)
Summary:
in which Jonathan gets his shit kicked in
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"BLUESTAR!" Seedheart ran into Thunderclan. "BLUESTAR! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!"
"What is it?" asked Bluestar.
"Rainpaw..." Seedheart panted, "he's a...Twoleg..."
"Correction: was." Bluestar meowed. "He is a cat now, and he will be a Warrior as long as he is a cat."
"B-but..." Seedheart mewed, "a Twoleg...in our..."
"You are to treat him as you would a normal Apprentice," said Bluestar. "Now shut up and train him. And bring him to tonight's Gathering." Seedheart nodded.
****
"Wake up, Rainpaw," said Seedheart. "We're going to the Gathering."
"The...Gathering?" asked Jack.
"We gather around a rock."
"Sounds pretty stupid."
"Shut your face and come."
Jack and Seedpaw followed the crowd of cats to the Gathering Stone. A tom stood on the stone. Jack noticed that he was completely black; black coat, black nose, black eyes.
"Fellow Warriors!" said the tom. "As leader of Shadowclan, I, Rebelstar, propose an idea; we attack the Twolegs!" Some Warriors gasped. Others cheered. Jack just stood in silence.
"Prepare yourselves!" Rebelstar shouted. "The Twolegs are crafty! They can destroy parts of your body! They can lure you into their homes with promise of 'love!' But know this: the Uprising must not fail! The Uprising shall not fail! The Uprising will not fail!" All the cats except Seedheart and Jack cheered.
"Don't. Say. Anything." Seedheart mewed quietly to Jack. "They don't need to know." Jack growled. Rebelstar looked straight at him, his piercing black eyes staring into his soul.
"Something to say, Apprentice?" Rebelstar hissed. Jack stood his ground. Rebelstar pounced. Jack tried his best to push Rebelstar off, but it was no use; the Shadowclan leader was too powerful. Bluestar pushed Rebelstar off of Jack.
"Save it for the Twolegs," Bluestar meowed at Rebelstar, then turned to face Jack. "Rainpaw, you and the other Apprentices will have to train harder."
"You mean you actually support this?!" Jack asked, surprised. Bluestar nodded.
"This is barbaric!" Jack shouted.
Rebelstar glared at him. "You had better keep your mouth shut, Kittypet."
"I. AM. NOT. A. KITTYPET!" Jack shouted, then pounced on Rebelstar again. Rebelstar growled and slashed at Jack's right eye. Jack covered his eye with his paw and walked slowly back to Seedheart. Seedheart put him on her back and left for Thunderclan.
Notes:
what happened to Brokenstar? who knoooooowwwwws??? there's a spooooky question to keep you up this Halloween night.
...wait, shit, it's almost Halloween! i gotta get something ready!
Chapter 66: Tales from Twolegplace (Chapter 3)
Summary:
hewwo, Wusty
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"There's nothing we can do," said Spottedleaf, the medicine cat. "You'll just have to cover that eye." She put a makeshift eyepatch on him. Jack sighed.
Seedheart walked with him. "Come on. Let's get you some rest. You've got a big day of training tomorrow."
"I'm not a little boy!" Jack yelled.
"You are now," mewed Seedheart. "Six moons, to be exact."
"Six moons?!" Jack asked, shocked. Seedheart nodded.
"Six moons. Just old enough to be an Apprentice."
Jack sighed.
"Don't feel too bad," mewed Seedheart. "At least you're not doing...whatever Twolegs do."
"You wouldn't understand," mewed Jack. "It was very complex..."
The two of them left Thunderclan territory to hunt. Jack looked around at the trees, seeing all of the most wonderful parts of nature.
"But it was nothing at all like this."
----------
After a few weeks in Thunderclan, Jack had gotten used to living life as a cat, even accepting Rainpaw as his name. Seedheart, however, still saw him as a Twoleg. And Rebelstar hadn't been heard from since the Gathering, so maybe he was just bluffing about the whole "Liberation" thing.
He woke up to find Seedheart watching him. "Again, why?" he asked. Seedheart shrugged.
"We've got a big day ahead of us," she mewed, "so let's live through it!"
"Was that supposed to motivate me?" asked Rainpaw. Seedheart nodded.
The two of them left to hunt.
------------------
As soon as they got back, Bluestar called all the cats of Thunderclan. Seedheart and Rainpaw walked over. They could barely hear something about a kittypet named "Rusty" or something.
"Look out!" Seedheart shouted, pushing Rainpaw away and running off as Rusty attacked Longtail. Rainpaw watched the two fight until Rusty stood up, no longer wearing his collar.
"That kit's gonna go far," he said to himself.
Notes:
there was originally gonna be a joke about how Jack just spent all his time playing Tetris but i didn't include it because i didn't know if Tetris was around when Warrior Cats took place. at the very least, we know the Twolegs have figured out fire.
Chapter 67: Tales from Twolegplace (Chapter 4)
Summary:
what the fuck even is a starclan lmao
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rainpaw was right. So far, since Firepaw had been in the clan, a former Shadowclan medicine cat had started living here, Bluestar's deputy and one of the other apprentices had died, and kits had been stolen.
Meanwhile, Rainpaw was still a cat. That wasn't about to change.
Seedheart noticed that Rainpaw looked a little sad. "It's okay," she said to her apprentice, "I'm sure whatever Starclan brought you here for..."
"Starclan?" Rainpaw asked. Despite being here for this long, he had never truly learned what Starclan was.
"Yeah," Seedheart said. "Starclan. It's where all dead warriors go, and they watch over us and give us prophecies."
"...that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard," Rainpaw said flatly. "An afterlife? Full of cats?" Seedheart nodded.
"That's basically what it is." Rainpaw looked out at Thunderclan. They certainly didn't seem religious, but you never know with cats.
Suddenly, Bluestar made an announcement. The clan gathered to hear.
"Warriors," she said, "I have a tough choice to make. While I normally wouldn't trust a cat who claims he can get rid of Twolegs, it doesn't seem like we have much of a choice. Twolegs are unpredictable; who knows what one will do next? Therefore, I shall meet with this cat to see if he truly can help us. That is all."
Then Bluestar approached Rainpaw. "I would like for you to join me in meeting with this...other cat. I believe your current status could provide a necessary point of view." Rainpaw nodded silently.
---------------
Rainpaw sat next to Bluestar. Fireheart was there as well. Of course, he thought, a former Kittypet would be able to convince this Rebelstar to call off the attack.
Rebelstar walked to the three Thunderclan cats. "Well," he said, "this was more company than I was expecting."
"I believe that these two cats, given their histories, would be beneficial to this discussion," Bluestar replied calmly. "Now, tell me about this Uprising."
"It's simple," Rebelstar said. "We kill the Twolegs."
Notes:
it's kinda weird to think that the actual location of StarClan never made an appearance in the first book. also weird to think the Dark Forest didn't appear until book 4 of the second arc. even weirder to think that Cloudtail is objectively the best cat.
Chapter 68: Tales from Twolegplace (Chapter 5)
Summary:
home stretch
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"Simple?!" Rainpaw shouted. "You really think killing an entire species -- a species with highly advanced weaponry -- is going to be 'simple?!'"
"I have my ways," Rebelstar replied.
"And just what are these 'ways?'" Bluestar asked, curious.
"Now, now," Rebelstar said condescendingly, "I wouldn't want to spoil it..."
"Tell me!" Fireheart said with the insistence of an Egyptian pharaoh.
Rebelstar began to grow angry. "Look, how we do it doesn't matter. All that matters is that it gets done."
"But why are we doing it?" Rainpaw asked.
"Haven't you seen what Twolegs have done to this forest?!" Rebelstar yelled. "They destroy it slowly, taking your hunting grounds, and you want to know why we should kill them?!"
Rainpaw had no response. As much as he hated to admit it, Rebelstar had a point. But he wouldn't go down without a fight.
"I see you have no response," Rebelstar said. "I assume this means you are willing to join me. I await your alliance." He left, leaving the three of them in silence.
"I don't trust him..." said Fireheart, breaking the silence.
"Neither do I," Rainpaw agreed. There was something about Rebelstar that just didn't feel right, but he couldn't figure out what...
Notes:
i probly shouldn't have written a story where the goal is "save da humens" during a point in my life in which i was extremely misanthropic
that's where this fic ends. there's one more and we're done.
Chapter 69: The 2Spooky Adventure of the Wonder Pets
Summary:
WHAT?! NO WONDER PETS FANFICTION ON WATTPAD?! DISGRACEFUL!
WARNING: This story is 2spooky. Reader discretion advised.
The Wonder Pets get a call from an animal trapped in a haunted school. However, things are not what they seem. Can they handle something so sewious?
Notes:
AUTHOR'S WARNING:
This will be written sewiously. This is spooky. Do not read if you can't handle sewious or spooky.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
October 31, 2014
2:30pm
*********************
The students left the schoolhouse. Linny sat in her cage, looking at the spooky skeleton on it. Tuck hid in his shell, scared of the ghost drawing. Ming-Ming was tired.
The sound of a can shaking was heard. Linny and Ming-Ming looked up. Tuck cautiously peeked his head out. The three of them sang their phone song and ran to the phone.
"Look, Wonder Pets!" said Linny. "There's a kitty stuck in a haunted house!"
"A haunted house?!" exclaimed Tuck.
"You know," said Ming-Ming. "Like a wegulaw house, but mowe haunted."
"A baby kitten," sang Tuck, "stuck in a haunted house."
"This is sewious!" sang Ming-Ming.
"We have to help her!" sang Tuck.
"Let's save the kitten! Let's save the kitten! Let's save the kitten!" they all sang. They jumped into a chest and came out as ghosts.
"We had a good wun," said Ming-Ming. They jumped back in and returned, wearing their Wonder Pets costumes. They built their Flyboat easily.
"Uh, Linny," said Tuck, "shouldn't we have learned a lesson or something from this?"
"There's no time for lessons, Tuck!" said Linny. "Get in the Flyboat!"
The Wonder Pets flew out if the schoolhouse.
---
October 31, 2014
2:35 pm
***********
The Wonder Pets arrived at the haunted house.
"Well, Wonder Pets," said Linny, "this is where that kitten was."
"It's kinda scary..." Tuck said nervously.
"Don't be such a baby," Ming-Ming said to him.
The three animals looked around the empty chamber they were inside. A large chandelier hung from the ceiling, looking like it was about to fall. A lone staircase led up to the second floor and down to the basement. In front of them was a long, dark hall.
Notes:
not sure how many people know this, but i unironically enjoy Wonder Pets. Ming-Ming is my favorite. i've always wanted to cosplay as her, i think that would be fun.
and we have reached the end. it's odd reading these and seeing that i have actually improved. look forward to what else i have planned, because there is now a LOT.
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