Chapter Text
11:54 AM
Kuroo
*sends a post about eating watermelon in the shower that says "what is the weirdest thing you regularly do in the shower?" with someone responding to it saying "Eat whole watermelons. Normally you have to eat them with care for risk of becoming entwined in their sticky juices. However, in the shower you can chow down with reckless abandon like a swarm of locusts upon a bountiful harvest. There is nothing more liberating in this life or the next."*
kind of want to do this now
Bokuto
If the person didn’t phrase it like that it wouldn’t have been weird
Oikawa
But if u eat it in the shower does it not get all warm and gross? Like i enjoy cold ass watermelon but warm showers and the two together….
Kuroo
Start with it frozen
Or like just Very Cold ™
Oikawa
But WHY would u put ur body in that
Kuroo
It sounds nice
Oikawa
Cold showers are reserved for post workout
Kuroo
The watermelon oikawa
Oikawa
Or like a rlly hot summer day
Kenma
Frozen watermelon
Kuroo
I would not touch cold water in the nude if my life depended on it
Oikawa
Cold watermelon IS good but not in a warm ass shower
It’s just the mixture of the two i can’t get behind
Kuroo
Frozen watermelon hot shower
Oikawa
BUT THEN ITS SOGGY
Kuroo
No bc it’s frozen
Oikawa
Have u seen how fast hot water melts ice???
Kenma
Turn your back to the shower, munch down, then turn around and rinse off and repeat
Oikawa
Unless ur shower is 30 seconds that shit is decimated
Kuroo
+ if u freeze it whole then the inside will be less frozen than the outside so it’ll be just right when u get thru there
You don’t put the watermelon in the spray oikawa
Oikawa
Okay i’m done goodbye
Kenma
*sends a drawn out diagram of a person in the shower with their watermelon out of the water stream*
Oikawa
But then theres this whole issue of ohno what if i accidentally lose my watermelon by dropping it or whatever and also how tf am i supposed to wash my hair
Kuroo
Don’t drop it
Oikawa
Also where do u put the rest of the watermelon bc i would definitely precut mine so it freezes easier
Kenma
All of the watermelon goes there coward
Kuroo
Pre cutting it defeats the purpose
Kenma
And just don’t drop it
Oikawa
I would need a whole watermelon shelf in the shower
Kenma
exactly
Kuroo
You’re supposed to eat it like the lizard king
Oikawa
BUT THEN WHATS THE POINT OF THE SHOWER
Kuroo
Bury ur face in and get juicy
TO GET JUICY
Bokuto
Thats what she said
Kenma
GET JUICY 💀💀💀
Oikawa
???? showers are for getting clean
Im killing myself after this one
Kenma
Get messy and then get clean and then messy and then clean
Kuroo
THE POINT IS SO YOU CAN GET COVERED IN WATERMELON AND BE CLEAN IMMEDIATELY
Oikawa
The water bill is sky high
Kita
Have you guys legit been debating eating watermelon in the shower this whole time
Kuroo
To be clean and dirty in equilibrium
Oikawa
Yeah
It’s upsetting
Kita
Like you didn’t move on to another topic ever?
Bokuto
I’m doing good mental health stuff today
Oikawa
Unfortunately
Kuroo
Oikawa is being wrong
Oikawa
Oh nice bokuto!!
Kenma
You could also just eat watermelon and then jump into a pool
Bokuto
Like showering and eating breakfast
Kuroo
Then you’d have to clean the pool
Bokuto
No
Self cleaning pool
Kuroo
Cleaning the shower is easier
Oikawa
See that makes sense bc then u shower afterwards all at once and it’s easy
Kuroo
No bc the point is to avoid being sticky
Oikawa
Watermelon > pool > shower
Kuroo
So eating in the shower means it’s getting washed off as you get juiced
Bokuto
Why would you do this after the hot shower tho? Get in the tub naked, eat the watermelon, and then shower
Oikawa
Bo u are correct
In all the ways
Wait
Just take a bath????
Solves every problem
Kuroo
You’re all horrible
Oikawa
No U
Kuroo
You want to bathe in watermelon juice???
Bokuto
Why the fuck are y’all running the water while eating the melon
Oikawa
Just don’t get juice in the bath???
Kuroo
THATS THE POINT
Oikawa
It’s not that damn hard
Kuroo
TO KEEP FROM GETTING STICKY
Oikawa
Y’all
Kuroo
YOU GET WASHED OFF AS YOU GET JUICY
Bokuto
Ppl get JIZZ in the bath oiks, how is this worse
Oikawa
Kuroo no offense but u have no concept of work smarter not harder
None of it
Kuroo
Both alternatives are awful
Bokuto
Eat the melon, turn on the water
Kuroo
I’m working on the concept of SENSORY JUSTICE
Oikawa
This is SO MUCH WORSE BC SOGGY WATERMELON
Bokuto
And then the bath gets rinsed out
Kenma
…..
Kita
Have you guys ever considered eating the watermelon washing your hands and calling it a day
Bokuto
DONT RUN THE WATER WHILE YOU EAT IT
Oikawa
Exactly
Kuroo
Where is the freedom.
Oikawa
The wallet is screaming
Kita
The freedom is you’re eating the watermelon???
Oikawa
How else am i supposed to afford the halloween ouran hot topic tshirt that i’m manifesting a rerelease
Kuroo
THE WATER & THE MELON HAVE TO BE AT THE SAME TIME YOURE NOT DELICATELY NIPPING AT A SLIVE OF MELON YOURE EATING IT LIKE A COYOTE AT A CARCASS
Bokuto
Breathe, babes
Kuroo
You two just completely missed the whole point of the post
Kenma
I don’t like watermelon so i don’t know why i am participating
Kuroo
Being fed watermelon & cheese on a fainting couch by your little man/lady servant
Bokuto
Send the post again
Kuroo
*sends the post again*
Kuroo
The post says EAT. WHOLE. WATERMELONS. That means you can’t cut it up
And it talks about getting intertwined with their STICKY. JUICES. You can’t delicately eat THE WATERMELON
Bokuto
At no point in that post did they say to turn the water on while eating
Kuroo
ITS IN THE SHOWER. INTHESHOWER. IN THE SHOWER WHICH IMPLIES THAT YOURE TAKING. A SHOWER
Kenma
It’s implied
It’s. in the shower
Kuroo
IN THE SHOWER
Bokuto
I’m sorry, you cant cut it up? Kuroo, if i take a pizza and eat it one slice at a time but eat the entire pizza, did i eat the whole pizza???
Cause by your logic, if i cut it up, i still won’t be eating the whole thing
Oikawa
Bo is RIGHT
Kuroo just admit defeat
Kuroo
Bo is wrong.
Oikawa
Bo is NEVER wrong
Kenma
As an aquarius, kuroo is right
Bokuto
I disagree! because people call the place that they get clean the shower. Sometimes its a bathtub, sometimes it’s a standing shower. But that doesnt mean theyre not in the place where they get clean. That doesn’t mean that the water is actively running
Kuroo
THANK YOU
Bokuto
What youre gonna sit and get all that water into your watermelon bowl??
Kuroo
You are misconstruing this on purpose
Kenma
Gaslight
GATEKEEP
No girl bosses
Oikawa
I literally hate u all
Kita PLEASE
Continue
Bokuto
Fuck kita
This is a fight to the death
Kita
Okay i realize that i’m not a part of the conversation but why the FUCK is there a photo of a watermelon shelf? How is that relevant at all to the conversation and argument that was going on?
Bokuto
It’s relevant because you have to divide the watermelon into pieces and so you have to keep those other pieces of watermelon somewhere while you work on one piece at a time. Because JUST BECAUSE YOU CUT UP THE WATERMELON DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT EATING THE WHOLE THING, KUROO
Oikawa
exACTLY
Kuroo
“RECKLESS ABANDON”
YOU DO NOT
SLICE
A WATERMELON
WITH RECKLESS ABANDON
Oikawa
BC U CANT GET WATER IN THE BOWL BUT THERES NO SHELF FOR THE BOWL
Kuroo
YOU FUCKING ANANNAJSJSJSJJSJDJDKJFJDJD
Kita
Who the fuck has a shelf specifically for watermelon
Kuroo
US, KITA
YOU RIP THE WATERMELON IN HALF WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
Bokuto
SO WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA PRY THE WATERMELON APART WITH YOUR BARE HANDS AND EAT IT? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE RED PART IF YOU DON’T CUT IT AT LEAST ONCE???
Bokuto
Okay, rip the watermelon apart with your bare hands, kuroo, with your sharp ass fingernails…
Oikawa
Haha iwa could crush the watermelon w his legs probably
Kita
Bitch u eat the fucking shell- like the green part. What fucking world are you living in where you dont eat that? It’s food
Bouto
Die.
Oikawa
The RIND
Kuroo
Kita’s going to hell
Oikawa
THE WATERMELON SHELL????
Kita
Yes.
Kuroo
I think we can all rally under this cause
Oikawa
Kita idek what to say
Bokuto
I forgot the word
The rind
We can all agree on rind
Kenma
I am scared
Kuroo
I am one click away from removing you from the group kita
One fucking click
Oikawa
Im killing myself (time to eat lunch) goodbye whores
Kita
Yk watermelon shell is close enough
Kuroo
Kita do you wanna go get lunch
Bokuto
I haven’t had breakfast yet
Kuroo
Breakfast
Hunger
Bokuto
I’m too busy screaming at a gc full of gay ppl who don’t know how to eat watermelons
Kuroo
Is onigiri miya open today??
Kenma
Also i haven’t eaten but i am trapped in my room until i finish eating or it’s time for work
Kuroo
RIPF
Kenma
They aren’t open on tuesdays
Kuroo
It’s monday
Kenma
My point exactly
Kuroo
Ok
I will be taking myself to get noodles and boba
Bokuto
Can i join you for one or more of those activities
Kuroo
Yes :)
And outside the boba shop we can fight to the death
Kita
Lmk when so i can appear for death fight
Also we should meet up for the bare minimum of noodles
Kenma
Mmmm noods
Kuroo
Kenma become unemployed
Bokuto
Kuroo, mark my words: this summer i am going to purchase a watermelon and have you try to consume it without at least cutting it in half
You can even sit in your shower/bathtub to do so
Kuroo
I’ll have iwa smash it for me and then eat it like the lizard king
Im going to do this for myself. As a treat. Enrichment.
Kita
GUYSBDHSVDKANS
THE BOBA WORKER GAVE ME A PURPLE STRAW W MY TARO
WHAT A PERFECT HUMAN
Bokuto
What is the significance of the purple straw
Kita
Taro is purple
purple/purple pog
Bokuto
Their brain probably wouldn’t have allowed them to give you any other color
Kita
As it should
Kenma
I cannot become unemployed i am sorry
I need money for games
And to buy things i don’t need
Kuroo
You need all the things you buy
Looks at amazon history
Yeah
Kenma
💀💀💀
Kuroo
What if. Cowboy boots w todays fit
Maybe not
Kita
Yeehaw
Oikawa
Did u know that cowboy boots are ugly as hell no matter how you style them even if ur gay
In this essay i will-
My fashion and style have gotten noticeably better since the plaid shorts and hoodie phase…
But like if u like cowboy boots they can’t be worse than the slides/crocs combo
So go off kings queens and monarchs
Kuroo
Plaid shorts 💀
Bokuto
Kuroo, i mean this in a loving way, but i am not about to be caught in public holding the arm of a man in cowboy boots
I will stay home
Kuroo
*sends a post of a jojo's bizarre adventure figurine*
Why did they give the figure a crotch bulge
Oikawa
Tbh who wouldn’t
If ur gonna make a sexy beautiful figurine of a man might as well give it a package to enjoy w the rest of him