Work Text:
“Sir!”
Childe looked up from the numerous documents to see a confused Ekaterina.
“What’s up?”
She took a deep breath, “There’s a horse outside.”
He looked at her. “I don’t see how this is a problem.”
“Well we’ve tried luring it away from the door but it refuses to leave and keeps trying to enter the bank instead."
What the hell. Normal horses don't do that do they?
He sighed, “I’ll go check out the situation”.
It was nearly noon (lunch time with Zhongli!) and now he has to sort out some weird horse problem? This was not how he expected his day to go. Childe got up and started towards the main entrance with Ekaterina trailing behind. How should he remove it? Carry it somewhere? Throw it? Maybe he should give it to Kaeya so he could finally call himself a Cavalry Captain? So many options.
And then Childe saw him.
“Zhongli?”
Ekaterina choked. The horse turned to him. Was it truly a horse though? It certainly had the body of one, sleek brown mane, long elegant legs, and a tail swishing behind. But that face. It was clearly Zhongli’s.
Childe decided he should stop testing Xiangling’s test recipes, for the sake of his own health.
“Ah. Childe, there you are. I was trying to ask if you were available for lunch but I couldn’t get in.”
“Well it’s no wonder– you’re a horse, Zhongli.”
Zhongli sighed as he turned around, “I am well aware, but matter not, let us off to Wanmin. I’ve been wanting some jade parcels today.”
"I- ok." Childe turned to Ekaterina and pointed at the retreating figure “You can’t see his face right there?”
“No sir, I just see the head of a normal horse”
Damn.
And off they went, with the rest of the Fatui Members watching after them in wonder. Perhaps, they thought, the harbinger needs a break from all the work he's been doing. No... perhaps they all need a break.
__________
The two arrived at Wanmin and ever the so bright Xiangling greeted them.
“Childe! And… a horse?” she eyed him. “New ingredient you found? I’m so happy! I heard they taste like beef so I was wondering… a shame he kind of looks like Mister Zhongli. Wouldn’t it be weird if I served something that once resembled him?” She tilted her head to get a better angle.
Childe laughed nervously as Zhongli huffed, “No no, it is Zhongli.” How was he supposed to explain to her when even he doesn’t know how he turned out like this?
Xiangling stared, then a look of pity developed in her eyes as she sat him down (Zhongli just stood at the table).
Oh no, Childe thought.
“I don’t know what happened between you two, but I hope you guys get together again! So hopefully you won’t have to use it as your temporary boyfriend replacement. Kind of surprising you’d choose a horse of all things, but also not for some reason. Shall I assume the usual order today?” She smiled encouragingly, slapping Zhongli on his thick neck.
Childe groaned, burying his head in his hands while Zhongli sniggered. What did she mean by “not surprised”? How did she even end up with that conclusion? He chose to ignore those parts, “Yeah, and add a serving of Jade Parcels on top of that.”
Xiangling cheerily skipped away while Childe tried to endure the judgemental stares of the other customers. This was definitely not how he wanted his day to go.
________
"Here's your food! And I got an extra carrots for your horse too! Enjoy your meal!" Xiangling rushed back to the kitchen.
The dishes glistened, looking as appetizing as ever. Thank Tsaritsa she didn't have any new recipes to try today either.
Childe looked at Zhongli, "You're unusually quiet today aren't you? Usually you'd go off on about one of the dishes even before they're served."
"Well" Zhongli started, "I am aware that what words I "say" can only be heard by you while the rest would hear them as simple neighs. I do not wish to inconvenience you and the other customers too much; meals should be enjoyed in peace." He held his chopsticks and glanced at the dishes, pondering which one to eat first.
As if that would change anything.
Childe sighed, "I appreciate the thoug- wait chopsticks?" He glanced at Zhongli's. "How do you- I-" Childe flustered as he fumbled with his own.
Zhongli eyed him, contently chewing on a jade parcel. That he picked up with chopsticks. With hooves. He looked down at Childe's shaky grip.
"It seems your skills are still quite lacking". Childe's pride shattered. How could he, the 11th harbinger who survived and crawled out of the abyss at 14 years old and have murdered thousands since, be bested by something that didn't have fingers for something that needed them?
The world is truly a cruel place, he thought as he stabbed his own parcel. Zhongli looked at the action disapprovingly, "You will need to be adept with chopsticks if you are to truly appreciate Liyue's gastronomy."
Ruthless, Childe thought, an absolute menace. Ironic, coming from someone like himself. He snorted. Wait no that's Zhongli's thing, I'm not a horse.
Or are you? His mind unhelpfully supplied.
"You can be an ass sometimes, you know that?"
Zhongli sipped his tea (How in the what now?), "My current form is of a horse, not a donkey. Though there may be many similarities in both physical appearance and behavior, I assure you that-"
Childe ponders the meaning of his existence.