Chapter Text
Wings came out, and suddenly, they were catapulted into the sky and labeled as superstars.
They reached the top of the charts. Billboard was talking about them. People from overseas knew about their existence.
They won Album of the Year at the 26th Seoul Music Awards. Blood Sweat and Tears was nominated for Song Of The Year at the MAMA's. They were also nominated as Artist Of The Year and came out victorious.
They no longer had enough space to store everything they had won so far, from awards to gifts given by their new sponsors and fans.
Money was raining at last, and behind were the days when they had to worry about their budget being too tight.
They were doing great, and most importantly, Army was ecstatic with their new songs.
It was the greatest miracle they could ever witness and partake in. But -as they had come to learn- happiness always comes a price and in their case, it was overwhelming stress.
Wings had been a milestone, and they had gained momentum. Now they had to figure out how to keep it going.
In the blink of an eye, it wasn't only Jimin that struggled with keeping a healthy work life. They were all put through the wringer.
He tried to help them as much as they had helped him. Comforting words, snuggles, hugs, welcoming ears, and an endless supply of jokes were his most used methods.
He tried to distribute his love evenly, but lately, his focus had shifted to Taehyung.
Sadly, his grandmother had passed away while they were on the Philippines.
Jimin was a standing next to him when he got the call. His best friend's shock was so intense he accidentally dropped his phone, silencing the roar of the crowd around them with the simple thud of the device. His sorrow was so heavy, he couldn't help but feel crushed by it. And for the first time in ages, he dropped to his knees, sobbing as if his world had ended.
The dancer - understanding something horrible must have happened- picked up the discarded phone and spoke with his mother, who was still on the line. As he assured her that her boy was okay, he tried to put together the pieces of the puzzle with the little information he was given. Eventually, he got the whole picture right.
Jungkook, who was also standing nearby, run into action and quickly wrapped Taehyung in a hug, as Jimin ended the call.
"She died..." The poor kid sobbed. "She d-died and I w-wasn't there..."
"I'm sorry Tae..." It was the only thing the maknae could say, as he felt him shake and whimper between his arms.
Jimin, heartbroken in behalf of his soulmate, ended up crying as well. He found it impossible not to.
The other members soon found out about what happened, and tried their best to comfort him. One of the ways in which they did that was by offering him the chance to return to their hotel right away, so he could mourn in the privacy his room. They could wrap up the show by themselves. But Taehyung, upon hearing the suggestion, had immediately refused. He wanted to work too, and he wanted to give his all to the public, even if all he had were the shattered pieces of his heart.
So, as a group, they agreed that the least they could do to help him get through the night was to shower him with love.
He appreciated the gesture more than he could say, but sadly, all of the tenderness in the world couldn't fill the space of her absence in his life.
And as he returned to his room, he collapsed again, drowning in his tears.
-----
There was nothing they could do to fix the awful timing of the universe.
His grandma had died, and her funeral took place the same day BTS won their first big award for Blood Sweat and Tears.
A day when he should have been happy. A day when he should have been screaming, and dancing, and celebrating their victory with undisturbed joy. But no spotlight would ever shine as bright as her gentle smile. Holding that heavy trophy in his hands reminded him of that.
When he returned home from the ceremony and was allowed to forget his sadness with hours of deep slumber, Jimin quietly snuck into his bedroom, laid down beside him and cuddled him until his breathing slowed down, and his tears stopped falling.
He was surprised by the sudden visit, but thankful for it nonetheless. It felt good to be held, when he felt he was falling apart. It felt good to regain some warmth, after days of shaking in the cold. And the heartbeat next to his reminded him of a promise they had made to each other, a long time ago; they would never be alone.
----
The next day they bought dumplings for lunch. Jimin didn't finish his own, but Taehyung ate the meal in a blink. It seemed fitting.
---
Working on their new projects and touring at the same time drained the dancer more then he'd like to admit.
They were jumping from city to city, country to country, and sometimes his life seemed to be completely out of control.
Concealing his mental health with his routine was oftentimes impossible. And currently, he had no motivation whatsoever to take care of himself. He was focused on work, on giving it all on stage, on keeping an eye out for his hyungs, and their beloved maknae.
So when it was finally time to perform his solo for the first time, in front of thousands of people, it was unsurprising that he found himself at the verge of a breakdown. Still, he pushed through his panic, did what he was supposed to do, and let his body speak on its on.
Perhaps, his pent up anxiety and his weariness were the cause of his destruction. Perhaps, it was dehydration and overheating. Or maybe, it was the fact that he had stopped eating, again.
He performance was beautiful. That was undeniable. But once he returned backstage, all of the shine and glamour he wore onstage were gone. All of the air in the world couldn't fill his lungs and make him breathe again. He saw blacks spots cloud his vision, and heard a few people scream his name, not understanding why they seemed so desperate and afraid. He was so out of it, he didn't even register the moment in which he fell face down to the ground, heaving and sweating like never before.
When he woke up, confused as to what had happened, and as to why he had an oxygen mask strapped to his face, he was met with the worried eyes of the medical team and of his best friend.
"What happened?..."
"You fainted." Taehyung answered, crossing his arms.
He tried to take his mask off, but one of the paramedics stopped him.
"You're not returning to the stage yet, buddy."
"But I have to..."
"No, you don't." It was Jin who spoke, this time around. "You're staying here until you're okay."
"But..."
"Cypher is still playing. Rest." The older ordered, before walking towards the door. "I'm gonna tell Kookie you're okay. I'll be back soon."
"Jin..."
Jimin knew he was crying, but was unable to do anything to calm him down. He felt so exhausted that even keeping his eyes open felt like a chore.
Their staff and the paramedics, noticing the tension in the air, were also quick to scatter.
"Keep an eye on him, and if you need us, we'll be outside."
Taehyung nodded as he watched them leave, finally allowing his shoulders to drop and his mask of seriousness to slip. He sat down next to his best friend on the ground, and focused his attention on the soothing sound of the oxygen mask, that quickly became annoying once the silence settled in.
"You couldn't breathe." He whispered. "You were making these awful noises..." He furrowed his brows. "I don't know if it was because you were swallowing your tongue, or if it was just you body begging for air, but... It was horrifying."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too." He confessed, with a somber tone. "I wish I could have done more to help you than just scream."
"Well, it won't happen again." Jimin moved his hand to his face.
"You better keep that mask right where it is, if you know what's good for you."
"If that a threat?" He asked, but followed Taehyung's demand anyway.
"Yes."
"Well, you aren't doing a good job being intimidating."
"I don't need to, I'm your best friend. You listen to me even when you think you don't." The reply was meant to be taken as a joke, but the emotion in his voice was so raw neither of them could perceive it as one anymore. "Jimin-ah."
"What?"
"Please don't do this to me again."
"... I wasn't planning to pass out, you know?"
"Please, don't..." He shook his head, fighting his tears. "I'm being serious. Please take care of yourself... I don't want to see you like this again... I don't think I can stand losing someone else. Not right now... Not like this."
The weakened singer opened his mouth to say something, but found his mind completely empty.
Asking for forgiveness yet again felt like insulting him. Promising he would get better eventually made him feel like a disgusting liar. So he kept his thoughts to himself and moved his hand with the little strength he still had, grabbing Taehyung's with his slim, pale fingers. He squeezed his palm as hard as he could and watched him cry, helplessly.
When Jin came back, announcing that it was time to go, Jimin decided that he was tagging along, even if he felt like shit.
Thanks to that unfortunate event, it had become clear to him that he wasn't the only one in need of help. Taehyung was at his breaking point too. And he wasn't going to abandon his soulmate, not like this.
"Give me your arm."
"What?"
Jimin ignored his confusion and grabbed it anyway, using it as a clutch to walk through the endless halls of the backstage, while he fought with his brain to regain control over his legs.
When they returned to the spotlight, they did it side by side, like two soldiers returning to a bloody battlefield.
They didn't separate for the rest of the night.
----
In Taehyung's eyes, 2017 went by in a blur.
Promotion, filming, recording, travelling, attending events, receiving awards, talking to people, interacting with fans, working out, dieting, running to get everything done, screaming out of frustration, crying out of sadness, collapsing from exhaustion... It all happened again, and again, and again, in a vicious cycle that never seemed to stop.
There were good moments amongst the chaos, though. Fishing with Jin. Learning how to produce with Namjoom and Yoongi. Shopping with Hobi. Watching Jimin and Jungkook try to hide their blossoming relationship and fail miserably. Meeting fans all over the world. Adopting Yeontan. Getting to visit his family.
These were memories he cherished, and that kept him grounded in his worst days. Although lately, he had been having a lot of them.
He never used to think of himself as sad person.
When he was upset, it used to be a fleeting thing, a small nuisance that never stayed for long. But, in the last months, things had begun to change. He didn't find joy in the things that used to bring him pleasure anymore. Hanging out with his friends left him drained. Every and any mistake that he made was followed by days of brooding and punching himself on the head for being so dumb. No longer we felt love and compassion for himself, only hatred. Apathy.
He started picking fights more often. Starting arguments when there was absolutely no reason to have one. He knew his world was burning, but at least the fire kept him warm. At least it made him feel something.
And it wasn't like he was the only one doing it, anyway. The stress and anxiety of fame was slowly drifting everyone in the group apart. The events that took place at the end of the year didn't help the situation either.
Hearing about the death of a fellow artist like Jonghyun was hard. But finding out how he had passed away was even harder.
He wasn't able to sleep that night, and neither were the other members. All of them might not have been close friends, but they knew the man enough. They had seen him at award shows, had exchanged a few words, made a few jokes... It was almost impossible to believe that he was truly gone.
Jimin was the most affected by the loss. He - unlike his peers- was friends with the guy, with his team.
Yoongi followed him suit, and Taehyung understood why, perhaps better than the others would believe.
Depression sometimes seemed like an invincible beast, and when things like this happened, it only solidified the dreadful thought that it could never be beaten. That perhaps that bitter end was inescapable.
When the group had their "great fight", at the begining of 2018, this was the only thought present in Taehyung's mind. Maybe, they were all struggling for nothing. Maybe, all of the riches they had conquered would never be able to heal the open wound that was their loneliness. Maybe the fame and the privilege they had desperately craved in their younger years was their ultimate downfall. After all, the higher they climbed on the pyramid of power, the less the little things bellow seemed to matter anymore. Their own greed, pride and selfishness were the roots of their discomfort with themselves and with others. Their always present, unwavering, fear of failure was poisoning them, and turning them into the most toxic human beings they knew. They destroyed each other mercilessly, and didn't think about the soul behind the "Idol". Somehow, they had forgotten that love was more important than chart numbers and unachievable perfection.
"Maybe we should disband." He found himself saying, in a pained voice, after the senseless screaming was over. "If we are so unhappy together, what's the point of keep going?"
This suggestion signaled the end of the discussion, and separated the group in two sections; those who wholeheartedly agreed, and those who were ready to throw punches upon hearing it.
"How fucking dare you?" Yoongi barked, before quickly being pulled back by Jungkook. "Do you even think before you speak?!"
Of course Taehyung did. In fact, he had been thinking about this topic for a while.
He wanted to leave.
He didn't want to disappoint anyone, but that wouldn't change the truth. And perhaps, it would be easier if he wasn't the only one abandoning the ship. That way he'd feel less guilty for jumping out of that wreck.
Jimin understood him. He was also debating the same thing. It was unsurprising when - despite the resentment brought on by their harsh words against each other - he supported his suggestion. Jin, although heartbroken, also seemed to be on the same page. He didn't like fights, and he was tired of repeating them over and over again.
Yoongi, Namjoon and Jungkook, on the other hand, thought they had gone insane. And Hoseok... Well, he was lost in his own mind, not knowing what he wanted or whom he should support.
He wanted BTS to keep going. He wanted to spend the rest of his life working and playing around with these guys. They were his family.
But the things they had said to each other had hurt. And now that the smoke was coming down, he could see that both sides of the battlefield were wrong. They shouldn't be throwing bullets at each other, neither sticking swords into already open wounds. They should listen to one another, comfort one another, not pretend that they were complete strangers and that the love they shared didn't exist. These were his brothers, for fuck's sake. This was his family.
When he begun crying, everyone knew how screwed up the situation was. There was a reason the man was nicknamed "Sunshine", after all. He was always laughing, cheering people up, and hyping the hell out of everyone even in the most awful situations. Sure, he was strict when his job required him to be, but his constructive criticism didn't diminish his goodness or kindness.
When Hoseok got angry -or cried-, it was a sign of the times. Solid proof that nothing was okay, and that things just couldn't get any worse.
"I think... We need some time apart." Namjoon said, sternly. "Let's cool our heads first. We won't get anywhere if we keep bickering at each other like children."
"Whatever, I'm done." Yoongi replied, barely holding back his tears.
The producer left the practice room with a hard slam of the door. The sound sent shivers down Taehyung's spine.
"Me too." He was the next one to leave, feeling a panic attack quickly approaching.
He didn't raise his eyes from the ground, as he walked towards the exit and made his way to the nearest bathroom. His watery vision only worsened the blurriness of the world around him, and his desperation to get away from everyone made him trip, twice. His shakiness prevented him from properly locking the door of his stall. And eventually, all he could do without failing was sob.
Why did he say all those terrible things? Why was he being such an asshole? Why could he be happy anymore?
His brothers didn't deserve his bitterness and harshness. No one did. But he couldn't help himself. Anger and sadness made his blood boil, and soon enough, irritation overflowed from his insides, burning those closest to him. He was dangerous to be around. A nuisance.
Engulfed in this deep feeling of despair, he tried to come up with ways to escape it. Sadly, he only found one. And it scared him. Oh, how it scared him.
"Tae?" He heard Jimin's voice echo through the tiles.
Right then and there, he was then confronted by two possible scenarios:
One in which he admitted that he was severely depressed, suicidal, and that nothing in his entire life seemed to make sense anymore.
Two, he could stay silent in his corner, wait until his best friend left, and put an end to his suffering in whatever way he found fitting.
"Tae, please... I know you're in here."
Afraid of his own mind, and craving a hug more than he craved to breathe, he put a hand on the door, and pushed it open.
Once Jimin saw his state, he dropped any resentment, held him in his arms and didn't let go.
"W-what did I d-do?" Grabbing his shirt in his fists, the younger cried. "I'm so... S-sorry."
"Yeah..." The other sniffled. "Me too."
---
Taehyung begun going to therapy the next week. Talking about everything he was going through removed a huge weight from his shoulders, and the medication he was currently on helped improve his mood swings too, a lot.
His shrink also suggested he should start a journal - which he did, genuinely interested in the idea-.
And things got better, eventually. The progress was slow, sure, but it was progress nonetheless.
Jimin's support was another crucial factor in his recovery. They agreed that they were both beyond screwed up, but they understood one another, and knew how to navigate their collective grumpiness and weirdness without falling into deeper, more aggressive arguments. Maybe that's why it was so easy to ask him for his forgiveness.
"I didn't mean half of the things I said that Friday." Taehyung admitted, while they were laying in bed, snuggling. "I don't think you are selfish, or egotistical, at all... You're the kindest soul I've ever known. Even if a little sassy and annoying sometimes."
"Rude." He joked. "But... I'm sorry too. You aren't aloof, and definitely not overbearing. I just said you were because I wanted to hurt you."
"Same thing here."
"Ahem."
Both of them turned their eyes to the door of Taehyung's bedroom, where Jungkook was standing, like a dog kicked out of the house by his master. His eyes glistened and his posture was stiff, paralyzed by his anxiety.
"Kookie?" Jimin untangled himself and stood up. "What are you doing here?"
"Hi... I came because... Well, me and Jin-hyung talked. We both apologized for what we said and... I wanted to do the same with you. Apologize, that is."
"I'm not sure this is..."
"I texted him." Taehyung revealed, to his best friend's surprise. "I apologized and asked him to drop by when he felt ready to talk with us... And I guess he is ready now."
"You... When?"
"Yesterday."
"And you didn't think to warn me about that?"
"Jiminie..." Jungkook cut through his annoyed voice, stepping inside the room. "Don't be angry at Tae, please. I asked him to not say anything to you... I knew you'd try to run away if you knew I was coming here."
"Well, I'm perfectly still right now, ain't I?"
Jungkook laughed. Even his angry sarcasm was cute.
"Yes... You are." Another step forward. "I... I'm not here to start another fight. I just... I want..." He stopped, thoughtful. "I just wanted to say sorry. For everything."
"You just did, now go."
"Jimin." Taehyung reprimanded him. "Don't. Please. Listen to what he has to say."
"... I'm not good at words. Or feelings. You know that." The maknae started, before he had a chance to reply. "But I'm trying. I really am trying... Because I love you, Jimin-ah. And I wish there was something else I could say to make you understand that... I wish I had Joonie's brain or Yoongi's passion, but... I don't. I wanted to be a better boyfriend for you, and I wanted to help you when you needed it but... I didn't know how. And when we fought... I realized how useless I was being."
"You are not..."
"You deserve the world. You deserve our kindness, our patience, and most importantly our respect. I'm sorry I couldn't remember that back then. I don't regret taking the side I took, because I can't imagine a world without you guys in it, but... I regret how I spoke to you that day. I should have been better, because you deserve better."
"... Kookie." Jimin was the one to erase their remaining distance. "You were never a bad boyfriend, or friend... I was the one who should have been more open... Who should have been more honest."
"But you felt miserable... Both of you."
"It wasn't your fault." Taehyung insisted, still laying on the bed. "I was depressed. Jimin too... It wasn't something you could fix."
"Yeah, but I could have been more present. I should have said something about it." He wiped his face. "I don't want to make that same mistake again. I don't want to lose any of you. I don't care if we don't sing or dance together anymore, I just care that both of you remain in my life. I wouldn't trade our relationship for nothing."
"But I thought... You just said..."
"BTS is my job, but Bangtan is my family. We can break up as a group but I don't want to drift away from you guys. That's mainly why I sided with Yoongi and Joon. I don't want our friendship to end."
His confession was followed by a deep silence. Jimin and Taehyung shared worried glances, and had a whole conversation without even speaking. They understood Jungkook's point of view better than they had anticipated. They didn't want to lose their loved ones either. But whilst trying to protect themselves from more harm, that's the message they ended up passing.
"I don't think we really wanted to leave the band." Taehyung replied. "I think we only thought about it because we were tired of having so many fights and arguments, all the time... We were overworked, sad, grieving the death of a dear friend... Not in a good place, mentally."
"He's right." Jimin agreed. "We weren't thinking straight..."
Jungkook, looking quite surprised, nodded softly and took a deep breath in.
"That's a relief. I thought you really meant it when you said you wanted to leave." He crossed his arms. "And the others did too."
Another pause. Another exchange of worried glances.
"I think it's time we all have a conversation." This time around, it was Jimin who broke the silence. "We've been hiding our insecurities and our frustration for far too long... We need to talk."
"So? How will we do that?"
"We need to apologise individually before having a group discussion." Taehyung replied "I'll talk to Yoongi-hyung. Jimin, speak with Namjoon-hyung... Then we tackle Hobi together."
"What about me?" Jungkook asked.
"You aren't the one that fucked up... We are..." His boyfriend answered, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Stay here with Jin today... Cheer him up a little bit. I know you already talked but..."
"I'll ask him to go fishing."
"Right now?"
"After lunch."
"Don't you think it would be better if you went tomorrow?"
Jimin's question made him tilt his head to the side, like a confused -yet ever curious- toddler.
"Why?"
"It's raining outside."
"Oh... Yeah. Hadn't thought about that."
"Figured."
As if he knew they were talking about him, Jin's ID popped on Jungkook's cellphone screen. Feeling the sudden vibration on his pocket, he picked it up and answered the call, as quickly as he could. It didn't last long, but it sure made some of the tension on the maknae's face go away.
"What did he want?"
"He's cooking downstairs and needs some help, which means I gotta go." He looked at his boyfriend first, then at his best friend. "We're good?"
"Yeah."
"We'll talk later." Jimin spoke over Taehyung, in a much stronger, worried voice.
"Okay..." Jungkook's weary sigh was followed by a smile that didn't reach his eyes, and a sudden urge to run away.
But, just as he was turning around to leave, a desperate demand made him stop
"Wait." Jimin's hand had grabbed his right arm. "Before you go..."
"Yes?" He spun around, surprised by the intervention. He truly wasn't expecting the conversation to keep going.
"You are a good boyfriend. Don't say that you aren't again."
"But I-"
"No buts." He released him. "We'll talk later."
"Jim-"
"Later."
"... Alright."
Although looking unsure about it, Jungkook eventually left. Jimin, releasing a breath he didn't realize he was holding, closed the door as his silhouette disappeared in the hallway and returned to Taehyung's side.
"What the hell just happened?"
"We talked like actual adults. Even I'm surprised."
With an amused snort, the dancer moved closer to his best friend and silently requested a cuddle - which of course, he didn't deny-.
"We have to apologize to everyone."
"Yeah... Seems like it." Taehyung whispered.
"How are you so calm?"
"I'm not. But panicking isn't going to solve anything."
"I guess you're right."
They heard laughter coming from downstairs, and knew right away whom it belonged to; Jin. Neither of them dared to say it out loud, but they thought the same thing; it had been a while since any kind of joy was felt in that house. So long, that it almost seemed fake.
But it wasn't. And it was nice.
"After lunch." Taehyung determined. "We should speak with them after lunch."
Jimin, too nervous to talk, just nodded. He knew that the sooner they asked for forgiveness, the less resentment there would be between the group. Still, he feared the worst. Maybe the damage he inflicted was unfixable. Maybe, he had axed and destroyed their friendship beyond all recognition.
But he would only know that for sure if he attempted to set things right first. Even if it hurt to try, he had to.
He owned them that much.
---