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Darlene bolts up, eyes alight and chest heaving. She’s clinging to the sheets with a vicelike grip; the tendons on her hands are visibly shifting beneath her pale skin. She can feel a cold sweat running down her back.
She blinks rapidly in a feeble attempt to get rid of the stars crowding her eyes. The walls feel like they’re closing in on her, and it only worsens her hyperventilating. She can hear something buzzing, but she’s not sure where it’s coming from. Is it warm in here? Is her shirt three sizes too small? Why is it so hard to breathe? Why can’t she-
“Darlene.”
She can barely register Dom’s soft voice over the sound of her haggard breathing. The redhead is slowly sitting up, yawning and rubbing the fatigue out of her eyes.
“Dom-” Darlene splutters, but that’s all she can manage. The rest of her sentence is trapped in her throat; it feels like the words are stuck, and she’s scared of choking on them.
“Breathe.” Dom gently places her hands on her girlfriend’s cheeks. Darlene doesn’t realize she’s crying until she feels Dom gingerly wiping the tears streaming down her face. “C’mon, just like we practiced.”
She breathes in deep, and Darlene tries to copy her. She can feel the air filling her lungs, but her heart is still pounding, her ears are still buzzing, and the stars in her eyes keep multiplying. Her anxiety is telling her to breathe in again, but she resists the temptation and forces herself to stay focused.
Keep your eyes on Dom.
Listen to Dom.
She’s here. She’s real. This is real.
You’re not alone.
“Good.” She can barely make out Dom’s tired smile through the countless stars and the darkness shrouding the room. “Okay, breathe out slowly.”
The redhead exhales, and Darlene follows. They repeat this exercise two more times, and while Darlene feels marginally better by the time she exhales for the third time, her panic attack hasn’t fully subsided just yet. Her stomach is somersaulting, her heart is ramming itself against her rib cage, and her head feels like it’s full of helium. The buzzing is still there. The stars keep multiplying.
Dom momentarily moves away to turn on the lamp sitting on the shelf behind their bed. “Still with me?” When Darlene manages a small nod, the redhead throws her another sleepy smile before leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. “Tell me five things you can see.”
Darlene’s breathing is staggered as her eyes dart around their tiny apartment, but at least she’s no longer gasping for air. “Your laptop.” She nods at the desk just a few feet away. Dom’s old MacBook is flipped open with its screen angled towards them; it catches a bit of the lamp’s dim light and glints back at them as if to say hello.
“Good.” Dom kisses her forehead again. “What else can you see?”
“Um…” The stars make it hard to see clearly, but Darlene tries her best anyway. “A poster. Your…” The hyperventilating may be over, but she still feels like she’s out of breath. “Your Patsy Cline…poster.” She nods at the small poster tacked above their dining table, which is full of clutter and barely big enough for the both of them.
“Great.” Dom grabs her glasses sitting next to the lamp and slips them on. “Tell me three more things you can see.”
The stars are starting to dissipate, and it’s a little easier for Darlene to scope out her surroundings. “The…light…on the wall.” She furrows her brow at the fixture situated next to the poster. “Did…did it always look like that?”
Dom squints at it. “What do you mean?”
Darlene raises a shaky hand to point at the light fixture. To say it’s a half-assed job is putting it lightly; it looks like someone ripped the light out of the wall, clumsily reinstalled it, and hastily smeared a layer of drywall mud around the light to seal it in. They didn’t even bother to smooth out the new layer and add paint so it blends in with the rest of the wall; it’s just an awkward white smudge over an old painted wall with a lamp awkwardly sticking out of it. “What…the hell happened?”
“Oh.” Dom blinks and sheepishly rumples her hair with one hand. “Uh…I don’t remember.”
Darlene’s panic attack is still in full swing, but she manages to quirk an eyebrow at her girlfriend. “How do you not remember?”
“Honestly, I was probably drunk.” Dom shrugs. “Or sleep deprived. Or both. Probably both.”
“Wh…why did you even have…to do it in the first place?”
“Dunno.” Dom shrugs again. “Maybe it was broken. It was a long time ago. Wouldn’t be surprised if I lost my security deposit because of it.” She shakes her head. “Okay, two more things you can see. C’mon.”
Darlene rolls her eyes. Her pulse is still thudding in her ears and her hands are still trembling. Her breathing is still shallow and laboured, and even though the stars aren’t as bad anymore, she still feels kind of faint. The buzzing is still there, and it’s annoying as fuck. Why is it taking so long for her to calm down?
“Another lamp.” She’s staring at the lamp sitting on the dining table, which is sitting directly below the light fixture and Patsy Cline poster. She briefly wonders if that’s necessary, but Dom’s voice pulls her out of her thoughts.
“Okay, one more.”
Darlene takes in a shaky breath as she continues to look around the room. She spots another light fixture on the wall directly across the first light fixture, and she locates a third fixture on the ceiling. When she glances around their bedroom she notices a lamp on their dresser and a floor lamp next to their bed, which isn’t very far from the lamp that Dom flipped on a few minutes earlier.
“Why do you have s…so many lamps?” Darlene’s voice is raspy. “This place…is so f-fucking small; you…you don’t need all this light.”
Dom scrunches her brow in confusion. “I didn’t even realize I had so many.”
Darlene rolls her eyes again. “What a waste of elec-” She swallows hard before exhaling shakily. There’s an unexplained feeling of dread rising in her chest, and it’s prompting her to start hyperventilating again. “Fuck-”
“You’re not done yet.” Dom reminds her, though it’s clear she doesn’t need it.
Her breathing starts to pick up again and she hates it. “T-the billions of lamps count…don’t they?”
“You already told me you can see two lamps. Tell me one other thing you can see.” Dom’s voice is firm but reassuring.
“Ugh.” Darlene glares at the desk, but her expression changes when she notices the small cart pulled up next to it. She’s visibly perplexed, but not at the cart itself; it’s what’s in the cart that’s confusing her. “What…what the hell are those?” She squints at the cart. “Are those rocks?”
“Hm?” Dom places a hand on Darlene’s chest and starts to move it in slow circles.
“Look.” Darlene nods at the cart; it’s carrying several rocks of various shapes, colours, and sizes. Some of them are sitting on top of a few old books. “Why do you have those?”
Dom finally stares at the cart. Her expression is just as nonplussed as her girlfriend’s. “Good question.”
Darlene’s been living with this woman for almost four months, and even before that happened she was here almost every day for a little over a year. She can’t believe she only noticed this now - in fact, there are a lot of weird things in this apartment that she’s noticing for the first time. She definitely needs to have a serious redecorating discussion with Dom one of these days. “Seriously?”
“I honestly don’t remember why I keep half of the shit I have here. We’re just gonna be up all night if you keep asking me questions, so quit it.” The redhead mutters. “Okay - tell me four things you can touch, and remember to breathe.”
Darlene sucks in another breath as Dom continues rubbing circles on her chest. The slow and repetitive movement is comforting, but she’s still struggling with breathing at a normal pace, and she still can’t get rid of that damn buzzing. It’s also still pretty hot; she almost wants to take off her shirt.
“Hey.” Dom places her other hand on her cheek; her expression is tender, and it makes Darlene want to cry again for some reason. “It’s gonna be okay. Take your time, and keep breathing.”
She inhales as she runs her hand through the sheets. “I…I can feel the bed.”
“Good. What else can you touch?”
Darlene tries to focus on her breathing as she reaches out to touch the empty mug sitting next to the lamp on the shelf. “The mug you left here this morning…” Her fingers slide across the worn wood of the shelf, smiling with relief when she finally feels the cool metal of the lamp’s base. “One of the…billions of lamps that you’re hoarding here-”
Dom rolls her eyes, but she wisely decides not to bite back. “Tell me one more thing you can touch.”
Darlene draws away from the shelf, breathing in deep before placing a quivering hand on the redhead’s cheek. “You.”
Things suddenly feel a lot different the instant her hand comes in contact with the redhead’s skin. It’s a little easier to breathe, and everything looks slightly clearer. It even feels like her temperature is going down.
She can feel her girlfriend heating up with embarrassment, and she grins as Dom awkwardly clears her throat. “I guess that counts. Um…okay, three things you can hear.”
She’s immediately reminded of that annoying buzzing, which is still hovering in the background, but it’s noticeably quieter now, which must mean she’s finally starting to come down from this stupid panic attack. “I…I hear…” She strains her hearing and tries to isolate the buzzing so she can focus on other things. “Cars…from outside.”
Dom turns her head to face the windows overlooking over the bed. As if on cue, a car honks its horn somewhere on the street below them. “What else?”
She doesn’t feel so lightheaded anymore, and there are only a few small clusters of stars popping in here and there. “Footsteps.”
Someone outside their door - Darlene presumes it’s one of their neighbours - is hurrying down the hallway. They’re so loud that she can hear them barrelling down the stairs. Where do they need to rush off to at such an ungodly hour?
“Someone’s in a hurry.” Dom remarks, and when Darlene snorts she grins at her. “One more.”
Darlene’s breathing is a lot slower now, but there’s still a bit of a stagger to it. She leans towards the redhead and buries her face into the curve of her neck, closing her eyes and humming quietly as she wraps her arms around her waist. Dom’s pulse is gently thudding against her ear. “I can hear you loud and clear.”
The redhead’s pulse jumps at her answer, and she suppresses another grin.
“Almost there.” Dom slips a hand beneath Darlene’s shirt and starts rubbing circles on her back. The skin to skin contact is soothing. “Tell me two things you can smell.”
Darlene breathes in deep. “You.” She nuzzles Dom’s neck and sighs against her skin. “You actually smell really good.”
“It’s this new thing called showering. You should try it sometime.”
“Fuck you.” Darlene’s chuckling with her eyes closed, and when Dom laughs alongside her she opens her eyes and pulls away a few inches so she can grab one of the pillows and press her nose into it. “Mm, did you do laundry recently? This smells amazing.”
“I did.” Dom looks pretty proud of herself. Darlene can’t decide if she wants to laugh at her, kiss her, or call her a loser. It’s most likely a combination of all three.
“Alright, last one.” There’s a knowing smile on the redhead’s face, and Darlene can’t help but smile back. The both of them know what’s coming next and they can barely contain their excitement.
“Tell me one thing you can taste.”
Darlene grabs Dom’s face with her hands and pulls her in, finally closing the gap between them with a kiss. They pull apart seconds later, laughing quietly amongst themselves. Dom removes her glasses and turns the lamp off before lying down; she catches Darlene’s sleeve with her fingers and gently tugs, wordlessly asking her to do the same, and when Darlene obliges they laugh again as they tangle themselves in each other’s arms.
“That’s my favourite part.” Darlene’s voice is muffled against her girlfriend’s neck.
Dom chuckles before dropping a kiss to her forehead. “Feeling better?”
Her hands are steady. The stars are gone. The walls stopped closing in. The buzzing stopped. Her skin isn’t burning. Her shirt fits. She can breathe just fine.
“Yeah.” Darlene murmurs as she closes her eyes. She breathes Dom in again, sighing contentedly. There’s a warmth seeping into her, but it’s not like the prickly, uncomfortable heat from earlier; it’s softer, soothing, comfortable. Safe.
And just like that, she falls asleep.