Work Text:
To A Blue Box (A Tale)
When chapman billies leave the street, When peddlers leave the street,
And drowthy neighbours neighbours meet, And thirsty neighbours neighbours meet,
When market days are wearing late, When market days are wearing late,
And folk begin to tak the gate, And people begin to head home,
Then sits I, drookit, cauld and weary, Then sits I, drenched, cold and weary,
Deep in country bleak and dreary, Deep in country bleak and dreary,
Water soaking through my breeches, Water soaking through my breeches,
Pressed as I am in the ditches, Pressed as I am in the ditches,
Watching hill and dale in moonlight, Watching hill and dale in moonlight
Braced in heart to be there a’ night; Braced in heart to be there all night;
For the moment ‘ere I finish For the moment when I finish
My day’s ride round Nithsdale parish - My day's ride round Nithsdale Parish
Where ‘tis my duty, day and day, Where it is my duty, day and day,
To travel hither and survey To travel hither and survey
As His Majesty’s exciseman, As His Majesty's customs officer,
Though poet’s quill I find I can Though poet's quill I find I can
Bear far more than books of levies, Bear far more than books of taxes
Still, a man maun eat; Still, a man must eat;
poverty weighs heavy, Poverty weighs heavy,
Most especially when the yields Most especially when the yields
Of that land I call mine, my dear fields Of that land I call mine, my dear fields
Are lessened by the bitter cauld Are lessened by the bitter cold
And pure misfortune, thus I am told, And pure misfortune, thus I am told,
“Rab, must you find some o’er post "Rab, must you find some other post
More lucrative than farming’s boast,” More lucrative than farming's boast,"
And so when comes I to the end of day, And so when comes I to the end of day,
There’s Mr Findlater in my way, There's Mr Findlater in my way,
And says he, “Rab, I’d have ye go And says he, "Rab, I'd have ye go
Tae Alloway,” which most know To Alloway," which most know
Was once the kingdom of my youth, Was once the kingdom of my youth,
And near enough my place of birth, And near enough my place of birth,
Though never was it dear enough Though never was it dear enough
In heart that ever ‘twould be worth In heart that ever it would be worth
The many miles a man maun ride The many miles a man must ride
To reach that patch of countryside, To reach that patch of countryside,
And truth, the night was falling dim And truth, the night was falling dim
And dark, so I did say to him, And dark, so I did say to him,
“Good sir, what ill could force a cur "Good sir, what ill could force a wretch
To tak sic a road at sic an hour?” To take such a road at such an hour?"
But Findlater’s face was drawn and grave, But Findlater's face was drawn and grave
And says he, “Rab, thou’s my most brave And says he, "Rab, you're my most brave
And trusty lad, none else will go, And trusty lad, none else will go,
But here’s the facts I’d have ye know, But here's the facts I'd have you know,
Afore ye say no or aye;” Before you say no or yes;"
And here’s the tale as best I try: And here's the tale as best I try:
Twa nights hence, set aff a brewer Two nights ago, set off a brewer
Thundering hame to his auld dour, Thundering home to his old woman,
Name of O’Shanter, honest soul Name of O'Shanter, honest soul,
Wha ne’er was watched for skipping toll Who never was watched for skipping taxes
Nor watering wine nor cheating ever, Nor watering wine, nor cheating ever,
Came within the sight o’ th’river, Came within the sight of the river,
That runs by auld Alloway kirk, That runs by old Alloway church,
That no good Christian dares in mirk That no good Christian dares in darkness
To venture, though for reasons lost, To venture, though for reasons lost,
Our Tam O’Shanter never crossed Our Tam O'Shanter never crossed
The Doon but by the kirk did stray, The Doon but by the kirk did stray,
And for his soul we now must pray; And for his soul, we now must pray;
For next morn, was he found near death, For next morning, was he found near death,
From his blue lips, bare a breath; From his blue lips, barely a breath;
Said the physic, he was living, Says the doctor, he was alive,
Though what befell him, naught was given; Though what befell him, nothing was given,
Thinks Findlater that some foul cur Thinks Findlater that some foul wretch
Accosted Tam wi’ thoughts o’ murder Accosted Tam with thoughts of murder
And, for fear the cur may’ve sought And for fear the wretch may have sought
To rob our Tam o’ cask or pot, To rob our Tam of cask or pot,
And thus a smuggler might be called, And so a smuggler might be called,
So lie I now in this grim and cauld So lie I now in this grim and cold
And misery-filled ditch by this auld kirk, And misery-filled ditch by this old church,
Waiting for the murd’rer in the dark. Waiting for the murderer in the dark.
How many souls, I wonder’d, drifted by, How many souls, I wondered, drifted by,
As cauld and dreich and lost as I, As cold and miserable and lost as I,
Who in the Doon had been drownéd deep, Who in the River Doon had drowned deep,
Or sent by cutthroats to their sleep, Or sent by cutthroats to their sleep
When on the lonely roads and paths, When on the lonely roads and paths,
Where ghosts and spirits prowl in swaths, Where ghosts and spirits prowl in hordes,
And sic was on my mind that night, And such was on my mind that night,
When fore me came the wildest sight! When before me came the wildest sight!
First came a roar o’ wind, that soughed and sighed, First came a roar of wind that soughed and sighed,
Then blinked a light nearby my side, Then blinked a light nearby my side,
That light, some fairy magic in the air, That light, some fairy magic in the air,
Hover’d, flashing, one bit mair, Hovered, flashing, one moment more,
Then stilled the sound, and stood afore me – Then stilled the sound, and stood before me -
As though ‘t had every right to be - As though it had every right to be -
A great, blue box, a wooden thing, A great blue box, a wooden thing,
That, for reasons it must ken, That, for reasons it must know,
Said “Police, Public Call” above its door; Said "Police, Public Call" above its door;
An’ I swear it wasnae there before! And I swear it wasn't there before!
I watched it for a lang while, I watched it for a long while,
Though my breeches soaked the vile Though my breeches soaked the vile
And bitter waters o’ the ditch, And bitter waters of the ditch,
And round me, night was black as pitch, And round me, night was black as pitch,
Save for the spot where stood the box, Save for the spot where stood the box,
That a’ o’ natural reason mocks, That all of natural reason mocks,
But whose wee lamp and polis sign But whose little lamp and police sign
Lit up what had been shadowed syne; Lit up what had been shadowed before;
The box stood right by the auld kirk The box stood right by the old church
And picked out gravestones fae the mirk And picked out gravestones from the darkness
That lang syne had fall’n o’er That long ago had fallen over
And lay a’ drunken in the bower And lay all drunken in the bower
By the kirkyard wall and yonder, By the churchyard wall and yonder,
The kirk itself, by age rent asunder, The church itself, by age rent asunder,
Now naught but broken arches, stones, Now nothing but broken arches,
Like unto the fleshless bones Like unto the fleshless bones
Of some leviathan that lay Of some leviathan that lay
Among these marshes one lang day Among these marshes one long day
Far beyond the mind of man, Far beyond the mind of man,
And o’er it, Time’s great scythe had ran; And over it, Time's great scythe had ran;
And now, among the ruins stood And now, among the ruins stood
This uncanny blue box of wood; This uncanny blue box of wood;
Perhaps I’d lain there long enough Perhaps I'd lain there long enough
That reason in my mind had snuffed That reason in my mind had snuffed
Completely out, and left me staring Completely out, and left me staring
Fae my ditch, and never daring From my ditch, and never daring
Tae rise and gan towards the thing, To rise and go towards the thing,
Tho’ why I fear’d I do not ken; Though why I feared, I do not know;
When with a creak like some old dame Then with a creak like some old hag,
The door cracked open and out came The door cracked open and out came
Naught but a man, an auld yin, slim Nothing but a man, an old man, slim
And silver-haired with face as grim And silver-haired with face as grim
As ony o’ the graves nearby; As any of the graves nearby;
He wore fine clothes, of velvet, aye, He wore fine clothes, of velvet, yes,
But most remarkable were those brows, But most remarkable were those brows,
That the gaunt visage did endow That the gaunt face did endow
Wi’ all the wrath of a gathering storm; With all the wrath of a gathering storm;
Aye, a face by hardship worn. Yes, a face by hardship worn.
He looked about and glowered deeply, He looked about and glowered deeply,
And at last I managed, meekly, And at last I managed, meekly,
Tae crawl out my ditch to greet him, To crawl out my ditch to greet him,
But when I went o’er to meet him, But when I went over to meet him,
He gave me sic a glare as might He gave me such a glare as might
Hae boiled the very sea on sight! Have boiled the very sea on sight!
“Who are you?” he demanded o’ me – "Who are you?" he demanded of me -
And I was glad that I had on me And I was glad that I had on me
My trusty pistol, which had spilt My trusty pistol, which had spilt
The blood o’ mony a wan as would hae kilt The blood of many a one who would have killed
An honest exciseman on his run An honest customs man on his rounds
For the sake o’ twa casks, aye or even wan! For the sake of two barrels, yes or even one!
“My name,” says I, “Is Robert Burns,” "My name," says I, "Is Robert Burns,"
At which the auld yin stops and turns At which the old man stops and turns
And stares at me e’er more, And stares at me even more
“Is that right?” says he, softer than before. "Is that right?" says he, softer than before.
“The Robert Burns?” he asks, and to my shame, "The Robert Burns?" he asks, and to my shame,
His tone my pride did sore enflame His tone my pride did sorely enflame
And stood I like a peacock proud And I stood like a peacock proud
And pressed my hand to heart and bowed, And pressed my hand to heart and bowed,
“At your service, sir,” says I, "At your service, sir," says I,
And waited for the auld man to reply. And waited for the old man to reply.
“But this is 1789,” he declared, "But this is 1789," he declared,
Then once again he stood and stared, Then once again he stood and stared,
More thoughtfully this time, then says, More thoughtfully this time, then says,
“Should you not be in Dumfries nowadays?” "Should you not be in Dumfries nowadays?"
“Aye,” I answer, “Sic’s my hame, "Yes," I answer, "Such is my home,
Tho this night I’m off after game, Though this night, I'm off after game,
“A thief perhaps, or cutthroat here, A thief perhaps, or cutthroat here,
Wha’s got the locals daft wi’ fear, Who's got the locals silly with fear,
“And I, who knows the land round Ayr, And I, who knows the land round Ayr,
Was sent to find the trouble here.” Was sent to find the troubles here."
“What sort of trouble?” asks the man, "What sort of trouble?" asks the man,
And I relate as best I can And I relate as best I can
Auld Tam O’Shanter’s tale, Old Tam O'Shanter's tale,
Tho’ at the name, the auld yin paled, Though at the name, the old man paled
But said naught on it, only nodded, But said nothing on it, only nodded,
Then towards the kirkyard plodded; Then towards the churchyard plodded;
I went hasty at his heels I went hasty at his heels
And told him, “I maun catch the deils And told him, "I must catch the devils
That left auld Tam as near to death That left old Tam as near to death
As wan can be and still draw breath, As one can be and still draw breath,
But if we rin about like weans But if we run about like kids
And mak a noise, we’ll lose the game, And make a noise, we'll lose the game,
And ony curs or thieves about And any wretches or thieves about
Will know what’s what and scurry out Will know what's what and scurry out
And so I’ll hae to spend the night So I'll have to spend the night
The morrow, if I hae the might Tomorrow, if I have the might
Tae feel again how water leeches To feel again how water leeches
Fae the ground right through ma breeches From the ground right through my breeches
Till ma very bones are ice, Till my very bones are ice,
I canna stomach doing this twice.” I can't stomach doing this twice."
“Don’t worry,” says the auld yin, headed "Don't worry," says the old man, headed
Into the very place I dreaded, To the very place I dreaded,
Into the ruins of Alloway’s kirk: Into the ruins of Alloway's church:
I grabbed my pistol, and my dirk, I grabbed my pistol and my dagger
Just as good measure, as we trod Just as good measure, as we trod
Upon the ancient, bone-laced sod Upon the ancient, bone-laced sod
Into the heart of what had been Into the heart of what had been
A place of worship, ages syne, A place of worship, ages ago;
But now had not the slightest trace But now had not the slightest trace
Of any fairness, light or grace; Of any fairness, light or grace;
It hit me then, tho should’ve quicker, It hit me then, though should've quicker,
My suspicions gave a flicker My suspicions gave a flicker
And wondered I if might no the man And wondered I if might not the man
Afore me maybe be the wan Before me maybe be the one
Whom I was sent to apprehend? Whom I was sent to apprehend?
This auld yin, was he foe or friend? This old man, was he foe or friend?
I drew the breath to ask the question I drew the breath to ask the question
When he turned wi’ dour expression When he turned with serious expression
And waved to me to duck below And waved to me to duck below
A mouldy wall aside him now. A mouldy wall beside him now.
I did as bade and crouched and watched I did as told and crouched and watched
The ruined, empty nave so touched The ruined, empty nave so touched
By Time and Nature, as to show By Time and Nature, as to show
Sic little trace of reverence now; So little trace of reverence now;
The altar, aye, was still in place, The altar, yes, was still in place,
Though overgrown and in disgrace; Though overgrown and in disgrace;
“Whit are we watching…” I began, "What are we watching..." I began,
But the auld yin raised his hand. But the old man raised his hand.
I know not why I would obey I know not why I would obey
Without a single moment’s stay, Without a single moment's hesitation,
But something in the auld yin’s face But something in the old man's face
Said I should do what he says, Said I should do what he says,
A sort of wisdom, hard to pen, A sort of wisdom, hard to write about,
But when you see it, then you ken But when you see it, then you know
That this is a man whom you should follow, That this is a man whom you should follow,
And so we stared into the hollow And so we stared into the hollow
By the ancient altar stone By the ancient altar stone
Which sat like some forgotten tomb, alone Which sat like some forgotten tomb, alone
And dark amongst the ruined kirk; And dark amongst the ruined church;
My grip grew tighter on my dirk; My grip grew tighter on my dagger;
Then suddenly the place was blazing, Then suddenly the place was blazing,
Light burst out, sae bright, amazing, Light burst out, so bright, amazing,
That it took a second fore That it took a second before
My eyes could make out ony more; My eyes could make out any more;
Where there had been but dirt and nettles, Where there had been but dirt and nettles,
Now stood a company in fu’ mettle, Now stood a company in full strength,
Dancing, reeling tae the squeal Dancing, reeling, to the squeal
O’ pipes played by… naught but the Deil! Of pipes played by... nothing but the Devil!
The man himself, Auld Hornie, Clootie, The man himself, Old Hornie, Hoofy,
Sat surrounded by sic beauty Sat surrounded by such beauty
A man could wish to see a-skirl, A man could wish to see a-dancing,
And round the empty kirk now whirl’d And round the empty church now whirl'd
In frantic revels, sic braw lassies, In frantic revels, such pretty girls,
Drinking out of blood-stained tassies; Drinking out of blood-stained cups;
Then once again they joined the ceilidh, Then once again they joined the party,
Hair a’ flying, dresses gaily Hair all flying, dresses gaily
Flung about wi’ not a care Flung about with not a care
That some man might see them there; That some man might see them there;
Most wore naught but shifts or sarks, Most wore nothing but shifts or underskirts,
Sae short that when they had their larks, So short that when they had their fun,
A man was graced with sinfu' sights A man was graced with sinful sights
O' fleshly thighs and... o’er delights! Of fleshy thighs and... other delights!
But one lass outshone them a’ But one girl outshone them all
In sic a sark that was sae sma’ In such an underskirt that was so small
That naught was left to th’imagination, That nothing was left to the imagination,
When she joined the celebration! When she joined the celebration
And around the nave now stood And around the nave now stood
A ring of coffins, mould’ring wood A ring of coffins, mouldering wood
And open lids that showed the dead And open lids that showed the dead
Dressed how they were when mass was said Dressed how they were when mass was said
O’er a’ their bodies, now decaying; Over all their bodies, now decaying;
Out they stepped and started swaying, Out they stepped and started swaying,
Each wan wi’ a candle burning, Each one with a candle burning,
So’s to light the dancers turning So as to light the dancers turning
Wi’ all the witches, warlocks, deils With all the witches, warlocks, devils,
That joined in with the frantic reels; That joined in with the frantic reels;
The auld yin raised his brows and says, The old man raised his brows and says,
“Well that’s not something you see every day.” "Well that's not something you see every day."
Then out his pocket taks a thing Then out his pocket, he takes a thing
The likes o’ which I’ve never seen, The likes of which I've never seen,
Some wand or rod that glows and whirs; Some wand or rod that glows and whirs;
He waves it at the dancing curs He points it at the dancing fiends
Then stares down at the thing wi’ care, Then stares down at the thing with care,
And I wonder if he’s no’ “a’ there”! And I wonder if he's not "all there"!
But then he makes a thoughtful noise But then he makes a thoughtful noise
And crouches in a ready poise And crouches in a ready poise
As if to move awa’ fae there, As if to move away from there,
So I did likewise, and we pair So I did likewise, and we pair
Slipped down the length o’ the old wall Slipped down the length of the old wall
Until we found a tombstone, tall Until we found a tombstone, tall
And wrapped in ivy; in its shade, And wrapped in ivy; in its shade,
We were hidden from the grim parade We were hidden from the grim parade
Here the auld yin waves his wand Here the old man waves his wand
Again, then sits with it in haund, Again, then sits with it in hand
Considering the thing again, Considering the thing again,
And then his face lights wi’ a grin, And then his face lights with a grin,
“I knew it!” says he in a whisper; "I knew it!" says he in a whisper;
“Knew what?” asks I, then adds, “Mister…” "Knew what?" asks I, then adds, "Mister..."
“Doctor.” "Doctor."
Aye, I should hae known Yes, I should have known
This auld yin would hae some renown, This old man would have some renown,
Some college seat or parish where Some college seat or parish where
His wisdom was sought here and there His wisdom was sought here and there
By all sorts, drawn by a’ the stories By all sorts, drawn by all the stories
O’ his intellectual glories; Of his intellectual glories;
Tho why sic a sage should be here creeping Though which such a wise man should be here creeping
Round the kirk when a’ were sleeping Round the church when all were sleeping
I could not begin to ken… I could not begin to know...
So I watched the lassies dance again So I watched the girls dance again
Or truth, I watched that wan wee lass Or truth, I watched that one girl
In cutty sark who whirléd past In the short skirt who whirled past
I couldnae draw my gaze awa’; I couldn't draw my gaze away;
The Doctor says, “The Cantrapor," The Doctor says, "The Cantrapor,"
(Which word I never heard before (Which word I never heard before
That moment, but he spoke some more) That moment, but he spoke some more)
“They always leave their probes protected "They always leave their probes protected
By a psychic field directed By a psychic field directed
At the centres of the brain where all At the centres of the brain where all
The fears and nightmares tend to crawl, The fears and nightmares tend to crawl,
And these, the field throws back like these And these, the field throws back like these
We’re seeing now; the person flees, We're seeing now; the person flees,
And the probe stays hidden, sleeping, And the probe stays hidden, sleeping,
Watching, so it’s somewhere here and keeping Watching, so it's somewhere here and keeping
Everyone who would go near it Everyone who would go near it
Well away with cause to fear it; Well away with cause to fear it;
Your poor friend, O’Shanter must Your poor friend, O'Shanter must
Have seen some horror that was just Have seen some horror that was just
Too terrible for him to bear, Too terrible for him to bear,
And so he fainted somewhere here.” And so he fainted somewhere here."
“But I am not afraid,” I said; "But I am not afraid," I said;
The auld man turned his noble head The old man turned his noble head
And gave me sic a dire look And gave me such a dire look
As I was sorry to have spoke, As I was sorry to have spoke,
But then he raised that awesome brow, But then he raised that awesome brow,
And said, “So you’re not frightened now?” And said, "So you're not frightened now?"
I looked upon the lassies reeling, I looked upon the girls dancing,
And said I, “Tis not fear I’m feeling!” And said I, 'It is not fear I'm feeling!"
(Truth, I’d wad hae gae’d my riches (Truth, I would've given my riches
Tae hae danced wi’ yon fair witches!) To have danced with those fair witches!)
“Strange,” he says, “but never mind. "Strange," he says, "But never mind.
We’ve got a Cantrapor probe to find We've got a Cantrapor probe to find
Before it fully charges and Before it fully charges and
Rents one great hole out of the land Rents one great hole out of the land
As it takes off and heads away.” As it takes off and heads away."
What thought I o’ this? I maun say What thought I of this? I must say
My head was reeling fast as they My head was reeling fast as they
Who danced the sinfu' night away; Who danced the sinful night away,
Yon lassies, whom I couldnae stop Those girls, whom I couldn't stop
But pause again and watch a drop; But pause again and watch a bit;
But said the auld yin, these were ghosts; But said the old man, these were ghosts;
Naught but phantoms were the hosts Nothing but phantoms were the hosts
Who made sic revels in the night, Who made such revels in the night,
But oh, were a sare lovely sight! But oh, were such a lovely sight!
To think those witches were but air, To think those witches were but air,
And really there was nothing there And really there was nothing there
But things plucked from a brain like seeds But things plucked from a brain like seeds
From pomegranate flesh, that needs From pomegranate flesh, that needs
A greater mind than mine to fathom; A greater mind than mine to fathom;
Yonder starts another rhythm Yonder starts another rhythm
And another dance begins And another dance begins
And thon wee lass wi’ they bared shins And that girl with the bared shins
Reels faster, faster than before, Reels faster, faster than before,
And I could not but watch some more, And I could not but watch some more,
Could this be really naught but mist? Could this be really nothing but mist?
That lassie, I’d hae gladly kissed? That girl I would've gladly kissed?
It struck me as a madman’s dream, It struck me as a madman's dream,
But sic a sage the auld fier seemed But so wise the old fellow seemed
That in my heart, I took him true, That in my heart, I took him true,
And asked him, “Then what should I do?” And asked him, "Then what should I do?"
“The probe should be about this size,” "The probe should be about this size,"
He says, a twinkle in thon eyes He says, a twinkle in those eyes
That seemed sae old, as old as Time That seemed so old, as old as Time
And yet ageless too and in their prime; And yet ageless too and in their prime;
He says, “It isn’t very big, He says, "It isn't very big,
No more than a chicken’s egg.” No more than a chicken's egg."
How ony man could find sic thing How any man could find such thing
In this, the Devil’s Highland fling, In this, the Devil's Highland fling,
I didnae ken, but went I sleekit I didn't know, but I went stealthily
Round the kirkyard where a’ reekit Round the churchyard, where all smelled
O’ decay and decadence, Of decay and decadence,
O’ ages past’s intemperance, Of ages past's intemperance,
A’ while keeping out of sight All the while keeping out of sight
O’ them that danced awa’ the night; Of them that danced away the night;
But a’ the while I felt the stare But all the while I felt the stare
O’ Auld Nick, ae upon me there, Of Satan, always on me there,
Tho’ t’figure truth did never stray Though the figure in truth did never stray
From thon ill pipes he ae did play; From those ill pipes he always played;
I felt the ground, in mimic o’ I felt the ground, mimicking
The auld yin, several yards awa’ The old man, several yards away
Who crawled in dirt and dug his hands Who crawled in dirt and dug his hands
Right into those grave-riddled lands Right into those grave-riddled lands
But once again, my eye was caught But once again, my eye was caught
By thon fair dancers and I sought By those fair dancers and I sought
To find a place where I could see To find a place where I could see
That lass who had so witchéd me; That girl who had so bewitched me;
Tho’ up ahead, I saw the sage Though up ahead, I saw the wise one
Skirt past the beldams in their rage Skirt past the crones in their rage
Tae creep up tae the very altar To creep up to the very altar
Where – at this my courage falter’d – Where - at this my courage faltered -
Lay murderer’s banes in gibbet arms Lay murderers bones in gibbet irons
And twa-span lang unchristen’d bairns, And two-span long unchristened babies,
And other things sae dire and awfu’ And other things so dire and awful
Tae speak o’ them would be unlawfu’; To speak of them would be unlawful;
Then did I feel in my bones Then did I feel in my bones
The fear o’ which the auld yin warned! The fear of which the old man warned!
And so stalled I in my tracks, And so stalled I in my tracks,
Staring at the tombstones’ backs; Staring at the tombstones' backs;
I dared no’ look upon that Deil I dared not look upon that Devil
Who sat conducting a’ the reel; Who sat conducting all the revel;
Left cow’rin’, timorous, pale and swat, Left cowering, timorous, pale and sweating,
And frozen to the very spot, And frozen to the very spot,
Then calls thon Doctor oe’r to me, Then called that Doctor over to me,
“Burns! Robert Burns, listen to me! "Burns! Robert Burns" Listen to me!
“This is all illusion meant to keep "This is all illusion meant to keep
You from the probe that’s buried deep You from the probe that's buried deep
Beneath this graveyard, try to fight it.” Beneath this graveyard, try to fight it."
Says he in this place benighted! Says he in this place benighted!
Easy words, my trusty fier Easy words, my trusty friend,
But you’re no’ seeing the Devil here! But you're not seeing the Devil here!
“You weren’t afraid before,” says he, "You weren't afraid before," says he,
“Why was that?” and he looks at me, "Why was that?" and he looks at me,
Like as some specimen pinned and glassed, Like as some specimen pinned and glassed,
And then he sits up straight and asks, And then he sits up straight and asks,
“What were you watching at the start?” "What were you watching at the start?"
And shame again cuts through my heart, And shame again cuts through my heart,
But answered I with truth and mettle, But answered I with truth and mettle,
“T’was the lassies there, fu’ fair in fettle.” It was the girls there, so beautiful and healthy,"
The auld yin nodded, thoughtful frowned The old man nodded, thoughtfully frowned
And then set back upon the ground And then set back upon the ground
In search of this wee "probie" thing – In search of this little "probe" thing -
What like this was, I didnae ken – What this was, I didn't know -
“Then look at them, but keep on searching.” "Then look at them, but keep on searching."
Tho’ for moments stayed I watching Though for moments I stayed watching,
Till I minded o’ the quean Till I remembered the girl
Whose cutty sark I had just seen Whose short skirt I had just seen
Flash by me in a whirl of linen; Flash by me in a whirl of linen;
Then at last my mind was winning Then at last my mind was winning
Oe’r the terror that had come Over the terror that had come
Like clouds that swathe the winter sun, Like clouds that swathe the winter sun,
And I was a man again And I was a man again
And tak’t to scouring dirt but then And took to scouring dirt but then
The fine Doctor shouts, “Aha!” and rises The fine Doctor shouts, "Aha!" and rises
And in his upraise’d hand he prizes And in his upraised hand he prizes
Some small trinket like an egg, Some small trinket like an egg,
Or pinecone, only no’ as big Or pinecone, only not as big
Wi’ flashing lights a’ red and green, With flashing lights, all red and green,
The likes o’ it, I hadnae seen The likes of it, I hadn't seen
Nor e’er imagine will again, Nor ever imagine will again,
But through this, the auld man was saying; But through this, the old man was saying;
“Nearly ready to take off, it seems, "Nearly ready to take off, it seems,
Fed by the psychic energy these dreams Fed by the psychic energy these dreams
Create when they ensnare someone, Create when they ensnare someone,
But if it’s still here when it’s done But if it's still here when it's done
And fully charged, if this thing gets And fully charged, if this thing gets
To take off, Ayrshire will be blown to bits.” To take off, Ayrshire will be blown to bits."
I watched him for a hint o’ a joke, I watched him for a hint of a joke,
But says he, “Several kilometres up in smoke.” But says he, "Several kilometres up in smoke,"
“How ma’ we stop it?” asks I o’ him "How can we stop it?" I asks of him
And he says, those brows a’ grim, And he says, those brows all grim,
“We take it to the TARDIS, there "We take it to the TARDIS, there
I’ve got an idea of just where I have an idea of just where
We can drop it off, a perfect place, We can drop it off, a perfect place,
Where it can explode in open space.” Where it can explode in open space,"
Then he was aff, haudin’ gently Then he was off, holding gently
The glitter’n thing; I watched intently The glittering thing; I watched intently
As he passed, then took’t his trail, As he passed, then took to his trail,
But that was where my heart did fail, But that was where my heart did fail,
For then the young witch, in her Paisley shift For then the young witch, in her Paisley underdress
Awa fae a’ the oe’rs did drift Away from all the others did drift
As round she reeled, sae close I thought As round she reeled, so close I thought
That I could reach and have her caught, That I could reach and have her caught,
I smiled as she gave one last flourish I smiled as she gave one last flourish
Then, with senseless, sudden courage Then, with senseless, sudden courage
Cries I, “Weel done, Cutty Sark!” Cries I, "Well done, short skirt!"
And in an instant, all was dark. And in an instant, all was dark.
“What happened?" asks I, voice a mouse’s, "What happened?" asks I, voice a mouse's,
Brain a’ rinnin roon the houses, Brain all running round the houses,
But as I’m thinking a’s as done, But as I'm thinking all's as done,
The Doctor grabs my hand, and says “Run!” The Doctor grabs my hand, and says, "Run!"
And aff we went, like bees in fyke And off we went, like bees in a rage
When plundering herds assail their dyke, When plundering herds attack their hive,
But just as runs the market crowd But just as runs the market crowd
When “Catch the thief!” resounds aloud, When "Catch the thief!" resounds aloud,
So ran the witches, and did follow So ran the witches, and did follow
A’ the deils wi’ eldritch hollo, All the devils with eldritch cries,
We ran fast but they were faster We ran fast but they were faster
And I thought naught but disaster And I thought nothing but disaster
Waited for us, but in sight, Waited for us, but in sight,
The Doctor’s blue box a’ alight, The Doctor's blue box, all alight,
That sign and lantern sae appealing – That sign and lantern so appealing -
Our only way to stave a killing – Our only way to stave a killing -
The Doctor ran lithe as bairn, The Doctor ran lithely as a child,
Far better like than I was faring, Far better than I was doing,
And he made the door afore me, And he reached the door before me,
When I saw a mist come o’er me, When I saw a mist come over me,
And glanced o’er my shoulder as And glanced over my shoulder as
The bonnie lass - at least that was - The pretty girl - at least that was -
Reached out her hand to grab my hair, Reached out her hand to grab my hair,
But now there was nae lassie there, But now there was no girl there,
Instead a beldam, auld and droll, Instead, a crone, old and sour,
A withered hag would spean a foal, A withered hag who would suckle a foal,
I was unmanned by skreich and hollo, I was unmanned by screeches and cries,
Then the Doctor grabbed my collar Then the Doctor grabbed my collar
And into his box he threw me, And into his box he threw me,
And I thought then, that would do me, And I thought then, that would do me,
I had seen enough that night! I had seen enough that night!
But then I turned, and O! The sight – But then I turned, and O! The sight -
How to describe the wondrous scene How to describe the wondrous scene
That came as right out o’ a dream, That came as right out of a dream,
While outside, sma and humble was While outside, small and humble was
The box, the inside broke the laws The box, the inside broke the laws
Of Nature and of Reason all, Of Nature and of Reason all,
For it was bigger than Ayr Town Hall! For it was bigger than Ayr Town Hall!
Bigger e’en than Edinburgh castle! Bigger e'en than Edinburgh castle!
And sic a chamber ne’er a vassal And such a chamber, never a vassal
O’ ony state on Earth hae seen, Of any state on Earth has seen,
Sae addled must my mind hae been So addled must my mind have been
To dream up a’ this madness here; To dream up all this madness here;
Was this anither thing to fear Was this another thing to fear
Cast up by this "Cantrapor" thing? Cast up by this "Cantrapor" thing?
Or, ma stars! Was I truly in Or, my stars! Was I truly in
A cabinet where wonders bide, A cabinet where wonders live,
That’s bigger on the inside? That's bigger on the inside?
Tho’ through a’ this, my baffled musing, Through all this, my baffled musing,
Ne’er once did the Doctor stop moving, Never once did the Doctor stop moving,
But was aff again up a stair But was off again up a stair
And through anither doorway there, And through another doorway there,
So did I follow, thinking thus, So did I follow, thinking thus,
We had been safer with the twa o’ us, We had been safer with the two of us,
And found him in a lengthy hall, And found him in a lengthy hall,
That would the richest king enthral, That would the richest king enthral,
But ran he on, like at his heels But ran he on, like at his heels
Were things mair awfu than the deils Were things more awful than the devils
That had us chased, but ay he held That had us chased, but always he held
That probe thing, then he turned and yelled That probe thing, then he turned and yelled
Wi’out a step missed in his stride, Without a step missed in his stride,
“If we can get this thing inside "If we can get this thing inside
The right room, then all its power The right room, then all its power
Will be contained,” but he looked sae dour Will be contained,' but he looked so serious
Yet fu’ o’ energy as well, Yet full of energy as well,
Eyes a’ fire wi’ hints o’ Hell, Eyes all fire with hints of Hell,
Through hall and chamber, room and stair, Through hall and chamber, room and stair,
We ran on several minutes mair We ran on several minuets more,
How a’ this world could be contained How all this world could be contained
In one blue box, it still remained In one blue box, it still remained
A mystery to my poor mind, A mystery to my poor mind,
But dare I no’ tae fall behind But dare I not to fall behind
So ran I onwards through the maze, So ran I onwards through the maze,
Tho’ in a kind o’ wondrous daze, Though in a kind of wondrous daze,
And a’ the while the probe thing skirled And all the while the probe thing turned
And a’ its wee red lights a’ whirled, And all its little red lights all whirled
Then at last the Doctor halted Then at last the Doctor halted
And a sturdy door assaulted And a sturdy door assaulted
Till the barrier gave him way Till the barrier gave him way
And as he ran I heard him say, And as he ran I heard him say,
“There, this should do it.” "There, this should do it."
Then he took the probe and threw it Then he took the probe and threw it
Clear into the chamber there Clear into the chamber there
Where in the murk it disappear’d; Where in the dark it disappeared;
For in that room was nae a roof, For in that room was not a roof,
Nor any rafter but in truth, Nor any rafter but in truth,
A star-laced sky, a heavenly dome A star-laced sky, a heavenly dome
That ony angel wud ca’ home; That any angel would call home;
Below it, just a patch o’ light Below it, just a patch of light
Wi’ no a stane or board in sight, With not a stone or board in sight,
But wan wee plinth o’ ancient stane But one little plinth of ancient stone
Upon which a’ the starlight shone; Upon which all the starlight shone;
The Doctor stood by yon wee stand The Doctor stood by that little stand
And stared starwards at the grand And stared starboards at the grand
And awesome sky, where, when I looked, And awesome sky, where, when I looked
I saw the route the probe had took’t, I saw the route the probe had taken,
Saw its lights blink now wee as though Saw its lights blink now small as though
There were great miles between us twa; There were great miles between us two;
And then it flashed with sic a blaze And then it flashed with such a blaze
That burned my eyes and left a haze; That burned my eyes and left a haze;
But when my sair eyes cleared I saw But when my sore eyes cleared I saw
The ring o’ fire, at once sae braw The ring of fire, at once so beautiful
And at the same time awfu’ too, And at the same time awful too,
For that would hae burned Ayrshire through! For that would have burned Ayrshire through!
I saw now a’ the truth been told me, I saw now all the truth been told me,
(And maun say I wished would hold me (And must I say I wished would hold me
Some fair lass with saft arms strong…) some fair girl with soft arms strong...)
But that mood didnae last sae long, But that mood didn't last so long,
And when I had my wits again, And when I had my wits again,
I went to my uncanny friend; I went to my uncanny friend;
Alas! Poor bard who stands sae mute Alas! Poor bard who stands so mute
And cannae find the words tae put And cannot find the words to put
The slightest question tae the man, The slightest question to the man,
Though in my heid like tykes they ran, Though in my head like hounds they ran
Where was I? What had I just seen? Where was I? What had I just seen?
What a’ those wond’rous things had been, What all those wondrous things had been,
But I said naught and stood like stane; But I said nothing and stood like stone;
The auld yin simply smiled again, The old man simply smiled again,
And says, “Don’t worry, from now on, And says, "Don't worry, from now on,
The Cantrapor will all be gone The Cantrapor will all be gone
And people should be safe, at least And people should be safe, at least
From aliens.” And then he seized From aliens." And then he seized
My arm and tak’t me back to thon My arm and took me back to that
Great chamber I had seen anon Great chamber I had seen before
Wi’ shelves of volumes a’ around, With shelves of volumes all around,
And as I wander’d past, I found And as I wandered past, I found
A small wan, lone upon a shelf, A small one, alone upon a shelf,
That grabbed I, half beside myself, That I grabbed, half beside myself,
Thinking I must hae mistook Thinking I must have mistaken
The title printed on that book, The title printed on that book,
But when to its first page I turn, But when to its first page I turn,
I read, “The Complete Works of Robert Burns” I read, "The Complete Works of Robert Burns"
Printed - ‘hap I’d lost my mind – Printed - perhaps I'd lost my mind -
In Glasgow, 1999. In Glasgow, 1999.
Tae think, in spite o’ a’ my fears, To think, in spite of all my fears,
Could ma name live twa hundred years? Could my name live two hundred years?
The Doctor saw me looking, and The Doctor saw me looking, and
Fair snatched the volume fae my hand, Fair snatched the volume from my hand,
Puts it back upon the case; Puts it back upon the case;
“Spoilers, I’m afraid,” he says. "Spoilers, I'm afraid," he says.
I knew then this were but a dream, I knew then this were but a dream
And I unconscious by that stream, And I unconscious by that stream,
Perhaps been clouted on the heid Perhaps been hit on the head
By smugglers an’ then left for deid, By smugglers and then left for dead,
But if a dream, at least twas fair; But if a dream, at least it was fair;
I headed down the metal stair I headed down the metal stair
And met the Doctor by the door; And met the Doctor by the door;
Outside, the land looked as before, Outside, the land looked as before,
Still dark and cauld and wet and dank; Still dark and cold and wet and dank;
He shook my haun and gave his thanks; He shook my hand and gave his thanks;
“Take care,” says he, “your smugglers might "Take care," says he, "your smugglers might
Still be out there somewhere tonight.” Still be out there somewhere tonight."
“Aye, so,” says I, “but there again, "Just so," says I, 'but there again,
If I’m no’ dreaming, I dinnae ken If I'm not dreaming, I don't know
How e’er to tell my sire what like How ever to tell my boss what kind
O’ nightmare I hae seen the night, Of nightmare I have seen tonight,
For I was sent to catch a thief, For I was sent to catch a thief,
And I come back wi’ my mind in grief!” And come back with my mind in grief!"
“Ah well, the best laid plans,” he says, "Ah well, the best laid plans," he says,
“Of mice and men gang aft agley.” "Of mice and men often go awry."
“That’s wan o’ mine,” I told him proudly, "That's one of mine," I told him proudly,
Then I couldnae help but loudly Then I couldn't help but loudly
Laugh like something in my mind Laugh like something in my mind
Had snapped and left a fool behind; Had snapped and left a fool behind;
“I have nae hope of understanding "I have no hope of understanding
A’ the things this night’s been handing All the things this night's been handing
Tae me like a madman’s dream; To me like a madman's dream;
I can but only hope some scheme I can but only hope some scheme
Or plan is right enough behind this; Or plan is truly behind this;
“Well,” says he, wi’ sudden kindness, "Well," says he, with sudden kindness,
“These kinds of thing will often fade "These kinds of thing will often fade
Away in time, until you’ve made Away in time, until you've made
Yourself convinced it never happened.” Yourself convinced it never happened."
I bowed then and doffed my cap and I bowed then and doffed my cap and
Stepped back out to firmer ground; Stepped back out to firmer ground;
Then behind me came a sound, Then behind me came a sound,
That same great wheezing, groaning racket That same great wheezing, groaning racket
From the box; when I looked back, it From the box; When I looked back, it
Faded in and out of view Faded in and out of view
And then was gone, and all was true And then was gone, and all was true
Again to what it once had been; Again to what it once had been;
The darkened kirkyard now unseen The darkened churchyard now unseen
Wi’ out yon blue box and its light Without that blue box and its light
To fight the demons of the night; To fight the demons of the night;
For lang while I stood and waited, For a long while I stood and waited,
But it seemed I wasnae fated But it seemed I wasn't fated
E’re to see that box again, Ever to see that box again,
Though sure I was that ither men Though sure was I that other men
Wha’ find themselves in times to come, Who find themselves in times to come,
An’ fear they’re like to soon succumb And fear they're likely to soon succumb
Tae ill or evil or despair, To ill or evil or despair,
Shall hear that sound, and standing there Shall hear that sound, and standing there
Will be the sicht that brings to them Will be the sight that brings to them
The hope to face the fight again, The hope to face the fight again,
That fills the heart wi’ promises That fills the heart with promises
O’ fame and hope and legacies, Of fame and hope and legacies,
That cabinet o’ wonders there; That cabinet of wonders there;
Its master with the silver hair Its master with the silver hair
Who wi’ some magic slays the beast Who with some magic slays the beast
And lea’s the troubles a’ surceased, And leaves the troubles all surceased,
Whene’er on Earth the monster walks, Whenever on Earth the monster walks,
Then there’s the Doctor an’ his great blue box. Then there's the Doctor and his great blue box.