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Seungmin’s hands shook. His eyes glazed over the screen, the words swimming around his head as he stopped breathing. Line after line he read, consuming the website’s information, his brain whirring from everything he’d learned in the past hour. His fingers moved automatically to the new tab button, then the search bar, as he continued to search for more, his hunger for a label for himself outweighing his brain’s reminders to blink.
It’d been so long since a word had described Seungmin so fittingly. For once, he had a word for his guilt, his wariness, his avoidance. He laughed miserably. And what if he told the others? What would they think? It’s hard to grasp the meaning of this word, but Seungmin understood it—and would the others understand it too? Or what they guffaw at his madness?
It had always been like this. Back in high school, Seungmin already noticed that he’s weird, and his friends constantly reminded him of it. He watched his classmates have fleeting relationships, heard about the events that took place at a recent party, and listened to the gossip of who broke up versus who lost their virginity that week. But he was never in the picture, a lone spectator in the crowd of horny teenagers. Sure, he craved a relationship, but it seemed, many people paid least attention to the pure romantic aspects of it.
He now had an explanation on why he never partook in sex , or that he never gave his opinion when it’s brought up. He knew the members find it odd, especially Hyunjin and Jisung, who have a wild sex drive. But out of respect for him, they never asked, and Seungmin had never really thought about his lack of sexual attraction after he left high school. He was content with the members, sharing brief kisses with them throughout the day, holding them close at night as they watched television.
He thought about them, the eight of them. The promise they made—eight is fate. They are one.
Yet would they still want him to be included? For being different? A ridiculous idea, Seungmin tried to tell himself, but it’s hard not to worry. What if he doesn’t tell them? The eight of them were wonderful together, but Seungmin was always worried it’s not going to last. As in, what if, somebody pressured to him to have sex? And who was he to say, that he’s been a hidden asexual this whole time? Will they be okay knowing that he most likely won’t partake, maybe even forever? That Seungmin doesn’t see what they see, feel what they feel, is interested in what they’re interested in? That Seungmin prefers to stay with the romantic touches while the others are wilder?
His spiral was interrupted with a loud bang. Seungmin’s head jerked towards the door, and his hand slammed the laptop lid down, fearful of what the intruder would see.
Felix held a bowl of almond jello in his hand, his smile brighter than the sun. But upon the scared expression on Seungmin’s face, his eyes widened, and he set the bowl slowly down on the nightstand.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
Seungmin can’t speak, not when the new information he’d swallowed is an ever crawling guilt lodged in his throat. His hands were shaking again, and suddenly, Seungmin wanted to curl into a ball and wallow in his overwhelming shame.
“Seungmin . . .” Felix whispered as he clambered onto Seungmin’s bed. He waited for the scowl on Seungmin’s face any time somebody touched his bed, but there was no reaction. Something was definitely up.
With a gentle tug on Seungmin’s sleeve, Felix asked again. “Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Seungmin mumbled as he shifted backwards to try and hide. Futile because there wasn’t anything to hide behind. “Just zoned out,” he said as an excuse and grabbed the nearest pillow, wishing he could disappear.
“It’s definitely not nothing,” Felix said with a frown. “I walked in, and I swear you jumped like a spooked cat.”
They sat in silence, Seungmin huddled in the corner with a stress pillow while Felix waited patiently on the edge of Seungmin’s bed.
Felix’s presence was relaxing, and soon Seungmin calmed down enough to take Felix’s offer of almond jello that he had made earlier for the members. If another person had walked in, it would seem as if there was no tension in the room, just two boys sharing a bowl of jello.
“Do you want to watch something?” Felix asked. “Music videos? I heard Seventeen came back this week, and I still haven’t watched their video.”
Seungmin nodded his head as he finished up the delicious jello. It’s when he looked up and realized it was too late—Felix had opened his computer, and it seemed there hadn't been enough time for it to sleep, and now Felix had seen the website that Seungmin had been on.
“Wait, I can explain—”
“You don’t have to explain anything,” Felix said, turning his head and looking at Seungmin.
Seungmin’s heart plummeted, seeing the realization dawn on Felix’s face. He knows, Felix knows, and now, Seungmin’s panicking—what is he going to do? What is Felix going to do? Denounce him as a friend? “You don’t have to explain anything”ˆ does Felix not want to hear him out?
“Seungmin,” Felix said softly. He took the bowl from Seungmin’s quivering hands and placed it on the nightstand. “It’s okay. It was your secret, wasn’t it? I didn’t mean to look, I’m sorry.”
He wrapped an arm around Seungmin, an awkward hug as their legs were in the way. It’s okay, Felix’s voice repeated like a mantra in Seungmin’s head. It’s okay.
“It makes sense,” Felix continued when they parted. “I mean, I sorta always had a hint you’re asexual. I think the members might know, but just not the term for it. But you’ve always had an avoidance, a very polite one though. We just thought it was very Seungmin of you.”
“So, you’re okay with it?” Seungmin asked.
“Of course,” Felix said with another bright smile. “There’s nothing wrong. We’re all different. Like you have no sexual attraction, while Jisung is like—the complete opposite. I swear, he’s mentally simping over every other person he meets.”
“And nothing’s going to change, right?”
“Yeah,” Felix answered. “You’re still the same you, I’m still the same me. Only, you’ve finally given a name for whatever you feel or don’t feel. Nothing’s going to change because it’s always been like this, but in the future, if you want to join us in sex, I’m sure we’d all include you—that is, I would of course, be with you. But it is always up to you.”
“Thank you,” Seungmin murmured. “And thanks for the jello.”
“Ah, I couldn’t let the rest eat it all. They’re monsters! It was gone in like ten minutes after I took it out of the fridge!”
Seungmin watched Felix ramble on about his jello and the baked goods he made that day, and he felt his heart swell in contentment.
Seungmin’s curled up in Chan’s arm after he agreed to join Felix and the others in movie night. But even a whole movie later, his body’s still tense with a billion random thoughts occupying his mind, primarily his fears from earlier. Felix was okay with it, but the others? When does he tell them?
It seemed the time was decided when the movie ended, and Chan tugged on his sleeve with worry. “You’ve been shaking this whole night,” he commented, and Seungmin’s stomach dropped. “Are you all right?”
The rest of the members all turned to look at him. It didn’t matter really; they all knew he was somewhat upset, somewhat nervous. Even Minho hadn’t teased him about his bouncing leg making the whole couch shake. It was as if Seungmin was a ticking bomb, and nobody dared to touch him.
Seungmin caught Felix’s eye from across the room, and Felix gave an encouraging smile. He might as well get over it, and if they are all upset, at least he had Felix.
He sat himself upright, untangling his and Chan’s arms, and hugged his knees close to his chest, as if it would protect him from the onslaught of worry.
“I think I’m asexual,” he whispered out, and suddenly, the staring seemed more heightened. He turned his head away, tried to focus on the lamp in the corner— anywhere except for his partners’ eyes.
Chan was the first to speak. “Ah, Seungmin,” he said with a small smile. “Thank you for telling us. It’s really brave that you found the courage to tell us this.”
“Ah, may I ask a question?” Changbin asked sheepishly. “What exactly does that mean? Like do you never want to have sex or . . .?”
“It means I’m not sexually attracted to anybody,” Seungmin explained in a quivering voice. “Uh, there’s a lot of types of asexuals, but I think I’m sex indifferent, or like, I don’t really have an opinion of sex? It’s not a necessity in my life, but I’m not completely against it, and nor do I want it. But like, that also doesn’t mean I don’t want it. Does this even make sense?”
“It makes a lot of sense actually,” Hyunjin answered. “And it explains your behavior. You’ve always declined when we ask you, but do you think that’ll change in the future?”
“Change in the future? I’m not sure. Or, I’d like to have sex once or twice in the future, at least that’s what I think now. But it’s just for the experience? Like I’d do it with you guys for the experience, but not with anybody else. And that’s also because I love you guys very much, and I’m open to doing almost anything with you guys. Just maybe not sex right now.”
“Oh my god, he’s blushing!” Jeongin cried, and Seungmin tried to hide his reddening cheeks. It’s rare he expressed his love for the members in words, and the reason was because of his betraying emotions.
“Do you want anything else from the relationship?” Minho asked, a teasing smile flitting as he watched a flustered Seungmin. “Like what are your boundaries? Are you okay with us approaching you with the offer of sex, as in maybe you wanted to experience it one day, and somebody was willing?”
“For now, it’s okay to approach me. And uh. ” Seungmin stopped mid sentence, already knowing the amount of embarrassment he was about to experience if he continued. “I’m fine if we kissed more, like made out,” he said, burying his face to hide his blushing. “I’m fine with more cuddling. I like it a lot. And just being with you guys in general.”
Changbin reached up to pinch his cheeks, and Seungmin didn’t have the heart to stop him.
“Yay, more Seungmin kisses,” Felix shrieked as he pounced on Seungmin, making him and Chan go oof!
Felix kissed him on the cheek, and soon the rest were clambering onto the couch to give him some love. It left him dizzy, high off the serotonin and endorphins they gave, the absolute adoration they had for him—and really, Seungmin didn’t understand why he was so fearful in the first place. Because they were just like Felix. Just needed some explaining, but they love Seungmin all the same.
They end up in a pile on the ground, another movie now playing on the television. Seungmin drifted between the edge of sleep, his hand entangled with Minho’s, his waist encircled by Changbin’s arms, and periodically sharing kisses with Hyunjin. He let himself relax in the affection of his lovers.