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19.
EJ’s Christmas’ were traditionally spent locked in his room, while his father stayed locked in his. Until Ashlyn coaxed them out with tales of bright lights and Christmas sweets. He always went, because saying no to Ashlyn was one of those things he found impossible. And for his Aunt and Uncle who gave him so much, he supposed he owed them a lot.
The house was always laced with lights, green and red twinkling like fairies. And the tree would be decorated differently, according to what Ashlyn was obsessed with that particular year. One year it was cats, another was gingerbread men. Of course there were weirder ones like that one year she decided on ninja turtles. EJ found too much amusement in trying to guess each year.
Dinner was never festive, it was an unspoken rule to spend it in silence. With only the sound of silver cutlery that was brought out on the twenty-fifth each year. And the devastated sighs, every time someone glanced at the empty seat beside EJ. But no one mentioned his mother, ever.
In terms of presents, he never got many. Although he was a popular child, he had many more acquaintances than friends. Until the drama club, that is.
The Christmas of his senior year was an odd moment of bliss, where everything seemed perfect. EJ hadn’t experienced many things like that, things he can’t improve. But he truly wouldn’t change it for the world. After a solemn dinner with his family, he and Ashlyn had gone to Carlos’ house making it the first party outside the Caswell household.
Carlos’ house was similarly decorated, except with more wreaths and baubles that looked handmade. (Carlos’ praise was unlimited, ‘aren’t they cute? Gina made them’ ) And mistletoe, lots of mistletoe. The sheer amount made him question Carlos’ intentions.
The exchange of presents could only be described as wholesome. A-year-ago-EJ would’ve said this was childish, but he found himself grasping at childhood more often these days. And he happily welcomed the presents. He ended up with more than all the other Christmas’ combined, but it was the last one that called to him.
A small parcel wrapped in green, the wrapping paper was glossy, shimmering under the bright lights. Written in a neat scrawl was his name: EJ. He got the vague feeling he’d seen the handwriting before; but couldn’t really place it. He threw it at the back of his mind, vowing to figure it out later. After that everyone spread out, couples went on walks and the others left. He didn’t particularly want to leave yet, not that he could, he had to get Ashlyn home as well. So he walked around the house, which in hindsight was a big mistake. Because Carlos had stuffed mistletoe in every nook and cranny he could find.
And that’s exactly how he’d ended up facing Gina, under the mistletoe. She glared at him. Though they had made truce at opening night, she still didn’t seem too fond of him. They’d spent a lot more time in each other's company, with her staying at Ashlyn’s and everything. EJ practically lived there too.
She looked up at the mistletoe, and he rolled his eyes, ‘I think he was hoping to get Seb under one.’ Gina’s mouth twitched, but she didn’t let herself smile. She only stared at him, it was quite unnerving. Like she could hear his thoughts.
He let loose a sigh, ‘you don’t have to, you know-’ EJ started. But was promptly stopped by her lips against his; it lasts for less than a second. Or at least it felt that way. One moment he’s standing upright, the next moment her fingers are wrapping around his collar and pulling him towards her. She’s on her tiptoes, eyes closed. Gina’s lips were soft, feather light. And she didn’t press hard, it was more of a light touch. But an impactful one, moments after she’d pulled away EJ could feel the trace of her kiss on his lips.
Her fingers were placed on her own lips, and her eyes were wide. Cheeks flushed, she pushed him away. And just like that she’s gone. EJ’s left staring after her, and he could wholeheartedly say girls got more confusing by the day.
.
But things were different this year. College wasn’t a dream, it was more of a nightmare. And even though he'd been sure he’d spend Christmas alone. He surprised himself, when he realized he missed the sad dinner. The fake smiles they’d put on and pretend Christmas was just another holiday. And not the day his mother had died. Because all that was better than nothing.
His roommate Jake was out with his girlfriend, and that left EJ alone. He’s never seen anything so Un-Christmas, and even though he didn’t like Christmas he wished there was at least a wreath on their door.
He missed Gina, she had a way of making these horrible moments seem so much better. But he couldn’t call her not after she’d broken his heart. And tore it to pieces beyond repair. He knows she did what she thought was right, and he can’t blame her for that. But a part of him wants to hate her, to see red and feel his blood boiling when he thinks of her, not to simply be wistful. Another part of him, the rational part knows he could never do that.
He’d spoken to Ashlyn earlier, she’d seemed normal. Elated about Christmas as usual. Her present to him this year was set to arrive soon. So he was waiting. And that was it.
That was all he’d be doing this year.
It arrived soon enough, but it came with another parcel. Red, layered with tiny reindeers. It was youthful, the sort of thing you’d expect five-year-olds to cry with joy over. But it made him smile. There was no return address, no name, no clue whatsoever to who could’ve sent it. So he settled on it being one of his friends from the drama club. Perhaps they’d wanted to keep him guessing.
He opened Ashlyn’s first. It’s a CD of the beauty and the beast soundtrack, and even though it didn’t seem like much. EJ almost cried, listening to home on repeat in the dark. Sometimes, he felt like Ashlyn knew him too well. Because this was exactly what he needed, even if he hadn’t known. He needed a reminder of the great memories he had, a reminder that he had a home. Even if it seemed far at the moment.
The second present is even simpler, a maroon scarf that looked handmade. The attention to detail was impeccable, his name was embroidered in white at the bottom left corner. He clenched his fists around the soft yarn, it felt like a cloud. EJ put it on carefully, wrapping it around properly so it would stay on. And he stepped outside for what feels like the first time all month.
21.
He went back to Saltlake this year. The snow was heavy, frosty flakes blew into his face blocking his line of sight. He somehow manages to make it inside the airport, where it’s a bit warmer but he’s still sure his tongue would freeze into an icicle if exposed. EJ sighed looking around, tall pillars to the sides, huge blue tinted windows that go all around the building. They make the grey sky look blue, he shakes his head continuing down the escalator.
Over the years EJ’s become much more familiar with the airport than he’d like. At first it was driving Gina to and back from here, whenever she went to visit her mother. Or whenever Mrs. Porter came to visit, and ruffled his hair, thanking for taking care of her daughter. Every time Gina would huff, ‘ I can take care of myself,’ rolling her eyes.
He smiled at the memory, it seemed so long ago. Because only a few months later he’d left for New York. And rather than a new chapter, Airport visits had only increased after that, he went to Salt lake often. Thanksgiving, Easter, Summer and on extremely rare occasions, Christmas too.
Ashlyn had insisted he come this year, saying Gina would be with her mother in Portland. Not that she was the reason he avoided coming back to Salt Lake. She was just one of the many contributing factors. The biggest being he was afraid.
That if he let himself come, and let himself feel at home. He wouldn’t want to go back and when he did he’d miss Saltlake too much.
EJ stepped off the escalator checking his texts, there were a dozen from Ashlyn complaining that he was late. He was about to reply when he walked head first into someone. EJ liked to think it was fate, and that a red string pulled at him. He didn’t stop to think, he reached for her before he knew it. Only when his arms were looped around her waist did he realize it was Gina. They’re frozen for a moment.
EJ’s hand was still wrapped around her but neither said anything. This was the last thing either of them expected it seems. She’s looking at him like that, like how she looked after they’re first kiss, like how her bottom lip had trembled when they broke up.
‘ EJ’
Gina whispers, he had never heard her speak like this before. Soft, gentle, she’s usually so bold. She said his name like it was a package marked fragile, he didn’t know how to react.
So he cleared his throat, finally letting her go. ‘Gina,’ he muttered, ‘how have you been?’
She frowned first, and he hoped it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. They haven’t spoken much since the break up, except for random conversations here and there. The frown morphed into a glare directed at him, and he didn’t know why. Maybe she didn’t want to speak to him after all.
Gina brushed dust off her clothes, a denim jacket paired with black jeans. She’s taller, he noted. And her hair was longer. And her eyes-
He looked away before too many old feelings resurfaced, EJ didn’t get too far though because soon Gina swatted his arm, ‘you jerk!’ she exclaimed. ‘You didn’t come home for Christmas last year, Ash was so disappointed.’
He blinked at her, digesting the new information. It didn’t fit, ‘what?’ He didn’t know why it was so hard to comprehend, her words were simple but he felt like she was speaking another language. Had he expected her to walk away? Yes. Had he expected her to say absolutely anything but that? Also yes.
The guilt churned in his stomach, he’d let Ashlyn down. EJ should be used to disappointing people by now, he thought. He did it on a daily basis at this point, Gina glared at him again. He frowned back, what else could he have done wrong?
She punched him this time, in the same spot on his arm, ‘Stop that,’ and crossed her arms over her chest. EJ rubs the place she hit, ‘the hell,’ he mutters, ‘what did I do this time?’
‘I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not true.’
She didn’t elaborate, and he didn't ask. But he understood. Gina never let him feel down for too long, he’d forgotten how see through he felt around her. Like he was a glass figurine and all she had to do was look at him, for everything to come spilling. He smiled, just as a feminine voice over the speaker declared that the flight to Portland would be leaving soon. He bites his tongue lightly, glaring at the speaker. He had no right to hate an inanimate object this much, he thought.
Gina looked up wide eyed, ‘that's my flight, I’ll see you around?. EJ nodded absentmindedly, staring at her face and carving each detail into his memory. He didn’t know when he’d see her again, not that this would be easy to forget. He’s quite sure he’ll lose a few nights of sleep over this meeting.
‘Oh, and I heard about the internship,’ she smiled, that smile that made him feel like God's favorite, ‘I’m proud of you, Eej.’ And just like that night under the mistletoe so long ago, she didn’t wait for an answer and ran off towards the stairs.
EJ is left starstruck yet again, because - Eej. He knew it didn’t mean anything, or he’s fairly certain it didn’t. All he knew is that the taxi driver gets lost four times on the way to Ashlyn’s because he’s too dazed to give directions.
He found a present in his room, it sat on his bed neatly, un-disturbed. The sheets were smooth around it but wrinkled on the sides of the bed. As if someone had smoothed them out. The rest of his room isn’t too different from summer, except the curtains had been changed, the windows had been dusted, and there was a vase of asters on his windowsill.
EJ didn’t have to think this time, he’s sure about who the present was from. He didn’t have to guess much either, because she’d signed it this time. In bright blue ink there was a small message in her cramped handwriting.
To Elijah Caswell,
It’s good to have you home.
- Gina
He didn’t cry, he really didn’t. But his face was wet, just a bit.
22.
He heard it right after getting out of the shower. Something falling and smashing into smithereens. A loud crash from outside, since Jake had left hours ago it couldn’t be him. EJ frowned, before deciding it’s probably a cat knocking over a plant. But a harsh whisper followed the sound-
‘ Fuck’
-and his feet moved on their own because he knew that voice, it’s the very same one that haunted his dreams. His mouth opened forming her name before the door did, and in the back of his mind he knew he’d look like an idiot if it wasn’t her. Then again he also knew he could never mistake her voice for anyone else's.
Even though he’d seen her just last summer, it felt like an eternity ago. Summer had been a different time altogether, or at least it seemed that way. A different universe, realm, like nothing could possibly go wrong. Ashlyn, Gina and he had gone driving around town doing nothing in particular. Stopping at Starbucks just once to get a drink and never looking back again. He could almost feel the salty wind against his face from just the memories.
‘EJ’ Gina started, her voice stuck in her throat. ‘You weren’t supposed to see me,’ she gulped, playing with her fingers. ‘But I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop off your present,’ she revealed, her voice descending into a light whisper.
EJ supposed that made sense, she did go to NYU after all. It was a miracle they hadn’t run into each other before despite living in the same City. They were the only ones in New York to his knowledge, which had to be the most ironic thing to happen to him in the last decade. The others were sprinkled throughout the country and he didn’t really see them as often as he wished. Carlos and Seb had been in Boston for three years, they’d decided on going to college together. Ashlyn was down in California attending UCLA, with aspirations of becoming a director. Nini was also in LA, but for very different reasons. She signed with Jamie’s label and has had songs on the Billboard hot 100 for two years in a row. Kourtney and Ricky had taken gap years and were now in Kent and Cambridge respectively.
EJ shook his head, clearing his mind, ‘Well, you could come in?’ he offered, trying not to make assumptions. Yes, he and Gina were on better terms now, but there were moments when he felt like throwing himself at her. And no matter how friendly they were, that definitely wasn’t normal (he was sure, Jake had confirmed it for him).
Her eyes lit up, like melted chocolate. EJ exhaled, that had to be a good sign. ‘Actually, I saw a coffee shop on the way here,’ Gina suggested, ‘we should catch up.’
For a minute he’s extremely jealous, because she’s so much better at this than him. Being friends, he’d be rich if he received a dollar every time his thoughts suggested otherwise. EJ cleared his throat, ‘Yeah sure, feels like I haven’t seen you in ages.’ She smiled at him, that childish grin. Like when she sang along to the songs of whatever musical was on, or she called dibs on the last marshmallow in the bag.
So he pulled on his coat and scarf and boots, none consciously. His hands were moving on their own while EJ desperately tried to ignore Mozart's requiem beating in his chest. They walk around the corner side by side, it’s all silence at first. Which isn’t necessarily bad, EJ’s certain he could live in silence for a lifetime if it was with her. Because when Gina’s around, the silence didn’t feel so loud, it was softer. It reminded him of new snow, fluffy and pure, never bitter like the harsh storms later in Winter.
‘So how’s NYU?’ he blurted out. She swiveled around the surprise evident on her face, and he almost wanted to take it back.
But then she smiled, and it was as if the sun had come out on the grey winter, ‘It’s great honestly, the classes are so interesting! The other day we were learning about music theory, and I love how it all just falls into place, you know?’ she gushed, he watched her go on and on about all the wonderful things about college.
And he loved this part of her too, how she was so sure of what she wanted and how she gave it her all. EJ’s certain if he looked up ‘passion’ in the dictionary there’d be a picture of her.
He came out of his thoughts only to find her staring at him, ‘are you laughing at me, EJ?’ There's a small smirk playing at the corner of her lips, ‘No-’ he spluttered, scrambling to think of a valid reason as to why he was staring at her.
‘Relax, I know you weren’t,’ Gina giggled, ‘you’ve changed you know, but I like this version of you too. He doesn’t hide as much.’ And with that she skips ahead towards the coffee shop, leaving him to wonder why she always left after saying the most weirdly insightful things in the world.
Maybe it’s fate, maybe it’s destiny. Or maybe it’s karma for the time he told Jake’s girlfriend that Jake slept with a stuffed rabbit, and laughed with her about it. Not that he regretted that in any way.
But of course, Gina happened to pick the coffee place Jake worked at. And he knew, the moment they stepped inside that he was in trouble. Jake had smirked at him impishly, like that one emoticon of a demon. EJ gulped, taking a seat opposite Gina. Almost immediately Jake walked over to take their order with no prompting.
‘Ah EJ, finally got yourself a girlfriend, eh?’ he quipped, ‘what can I get you two?’ Gina flushed and looked away, and EJ felt his own neck grow warm. One would say they’d be over the blushing by now, apparently not.
He pushed through the embarrassment (and the yearning), ‘Jake, this is Gina a friend from Salt Lake,’ he introduced, along with a glare of warning, ‘Gina, this is Jake my lovely roommate,’ he finished, the sarcasm layering his words thickly.
She chuckled, ‘Nice to finally meet one of EJ’s friends, I was starting to think he spent all year locked in his room,’ she held out a hand which Jake took and shook firmly. ‘The pleasure is mine, Gina ,’ he pronounced her name slowly, as if to let him know that he hadn’t forgotten all the nights EJ had kept them awake talking about her. ‘And he totally does stay locked in the room, listening to some Disney movie soundtrack,’ Jake added, ‘It’s very depressing really, hearing ‘home’ on repeat for- ever .’
Gina turned to him eyes wide, twinkling with curiosity and something else too. EJ tried to look away but his eyes were glued to hers. Jake seemed to realise that he’d disrupted the frail balance of their relationship, he swiftly took the order and was gone.
They rarely talk about ‘Beauty and the Beast’, if ever. Even though it’s mostly good memories, it’s also them at their highest point. Playing the leads together, sneaking off after rehearsals, driving around practicing lines together. Bringing it up always felt like reminding themselves of all that they don’t have anymore.
‘ I missed you’
He didn’t know who said it because they both seemed to be thinking the same thing. Their minds transported back to when they’d finish each other's sentences and understand without having to say it. The rest of their time in the coffee shop is mostly silent, both quietly sipping coffee afraid to say what their really thinking
She walked him back to his dorm and just when he’s about to bid her farewell she stopped him.
‘EJ’
That's all that left her mouth. And the next moment she’s pushed against the wall opposite the door, next to the broken plant. His lips slated over hers, still fitting as well as that day under the mistletoe. Her hands looped around his neck, travelling up to his hair where her fingers threaded through the locks gently. His left hand was wrapped around her waist, the other one caressing her cheek. It’s all cold, her hands, his hands. But Gina’s lips were warm, like hot chocolate in winter, or reading by the fire. Like home.
.
Later Jake texted him: Dude forget a knife
the tension between u 2 was too thick for a fucking axe
You can have the room for the night im crashing at amy’s
EJ rolled his eyes. But still pulled Gina closer, tightening his grip on her waist. She mumbled something inaudible, burying her face against his shoulder.
24.
They went home that year, because everyone was going to be there. It was a reunion of sorts, organized by Ashlyn of course. He didn’t know when she’d become the person planning everything, single handedly keeping everything afloat. But it suited her.
They were supposed to meet at Carlos’ place. And EJ got a strange sense of deja vu walking up to his house. It was decorated similarly to Christmas five years ago, red and green, the decorations are more mature now. And the lack of mistletoe doesn’t slip past him either. The lights were gold and silver, and he swore the tree had Ashlyn’s contributions. Especially the beauty and the beast figurines.
They don’t separate into groups this time, instead they share stories by the fire, it crackles as if joining the conversation. Everyone’s changed quite a bit, and even though he hadn’t seen them in years they still feel so close. He supposed it had something to do with Carlos spamming the group chat regularly. It was annoying at times but it kept their friendship alive as well.
But there were things he’s surprised to find out too. Like how Seb was growing a beard, and Carlos liked to tease by calling him Santa Claus now and then. How Ashlyn and Nini were closer now which was great and all, but they were intent on placing bets on what everyone's presents could be. Nini had been right a surprising amount of times, (it could be because everyone asked her for gift giving advice) but Ashlyn was not pleased.
And Ricky was more down to earth now, having taken a gap year. And was apparently studying psychology now. Kourtney looked like the cover of Vogue, which was hardly a surprise.
He had hesitated to call this home last time. This time the doubts were mostly gone, his heart had sparked to life along with the fire. Because if home was anything, it wasn’t the lights or the tree or even the mistletoe. He looked at Gina, who was in a very animated conversation with Carlos. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, she stopped to look at him curiously. It was the people. Just like the song said, Home should be where the heart is. He exhaled, he really should stop learning all his life lessons from musicals. But this one was right, it was true. This was home.