Archive of Our Own

“You are so lucky I didn’t find this when I was fifteen.” Jay throws the tattered notebook onto the floor of his childhood room that became Riki’s when he graduated. “I would’ve had you institutionalized.”

Winter break starts for Jay four days after everyone else at his university. The higher ups in residential life require meetings upon meetings only a little bit different from the dozens he sat through at the beginning of the semester, and that’s after a whirlwind week of checkouts and glaring at Heeseung Lee every time he passes him in the hallway.

Riki, who is too damn big for a newly sixteen year old, stretches out across the rug Jay spilled Smirnoff Ice Red White and Berry on the summer after his junior year of highschool, causing Sunghoon to hit him so hard in the back Jay picked up massaging on a hobby basis. “On what grounds?”

“Being fucking insane,” Jay says, a decade of being forced into the older brother role he now believes he was born to fill rearing its ugly head. Riki waltzed into Jay’s life at six years old and was cute for maybe two minutes before deciding having an older brother to tease constantly was the best thing to ever happen to him. His phone buzzes and Jay just about faints at the look that spreads across Riki’s face. “What’s up?”

“Party at Hiyyih’s tonight.” Riki’s eyes don’t leave his phone as he types. “Yeseo will be there.” He locks his phone and wiggles his eyebrows at Jay before diving into his closet.

None of the warnings about how awful it is to watch your baby brother turn into a teenager truly prepared him for this. “Didn’t you guys break up?” Jay asks, grimacing when Riki checks himself out in the mirror.

“Maybe, maybe not,” Riki starts, “that’s the thing about high school.” He grabs Jay’s nice leather jacket his dad bought him for his eighteenth birthday.

Jay flips him off. “When are you gonna come out?”

“Already did, asshole.” Riki sends it right back to it before exiting the room, allowing the door to slam shut behind him.

First of all: how was Jay supposed to know that Riki meant something serious when he sat down for dinner at thirteen and announced to the table, “Sunghoon is hot.”

“Jongseong, I don’t know what to tell you,” his mom tells him, lovingly cupping his cheek, when Jay brings it up later that night. It explains Riki’s weird obsession with Yeonjun Choi’s Instagram when he was a freshman.

Being back home for the holiday’s is not an awful experience for Jay, no matter how much he complains about Riki’s teasing. It’s a bit embarrassing to turn down invitations to parties because he wants to spend time with his mom, but that’s better than the alternative of going to the Huening house as an adult.

Second of all: His mom has no tact.

"I ran into Sohyun at the market earlier," She says, not looking up from the sink, "She said Heeseung made the Dean's list this semester."

Heeseung Lee is a sore spot for Jay and she knows that, but she’s also a huge gossip.

"That's good," Jay says noncommittally, continuing with his job of drying the dishes while his mom washes. The TV in the kitchen is playing reruns of some game show Jay doesn't bother to double check the name of. He tenses when the crowd cheers, feeling almost like they're celebrating Heeseung's achievements despite Jay's discomfort.

She hums. The way the dishes clink together when Jay sets them down feels like gunshots. "It's nice you boys managed to stick together all these years." Her tone is light, contrasting the gravity of her words.

Jay clenches his jaw unconsciously. "Heeseung is...cool. I guess." It's like pulling teeth.

His mother knows it. She pauses. "You be nice to that boy, Jongseong. His family—"

"I know, I know. They're good to us." Jay cuts her off. What good they've done, he doesn't really know. "I like the Lee's."

"Good." Her eyes cast back downwards, the time between her stopping and picking back up the sponge felt like an eternity to Jay. "You and Heeseung have been floating around each other for years, it's a surprise that I've never seen him in this house on your own accord."

Riki has collecting the best of the best down to an art. Heeseung Lee is no exception. "I don't think he likes me very much."

"Nonsense." She splashes him with water. Jay can't help the laugh it drags out of him. "That boy couldn't hate anyone, and neither could you." The hand she brings up to wipe his face does more harm than good. It still warms Jay.

They finish the rest of their chores in silence, more catering to Jay's wants than his mother's. His dad sends a curt nod his way when he walks in the door and Jay takes the distraction to slip out of the kitchen, his job finished.

Heeseung has never been in his house because of Jay’s invitation, and even then the moments have been few and far between, but it’s almost like Jay can feel him everywhere in this house. He’s no doubt hanging up on Riki’s wall of photos, and if Jay had any need to see a pubescent Heeseung with his stupid haircut and even stupider glasses he’d take a gander through his old bedroom, but he has no such want.

It’s not like the image is intrinsically burned into his head or anything

Jay met Heeseung Lee for the first time in middle school, bright blue bands in his braces distracting Jay from the horrible bruising around his nose. The break, caused by Heeseung eating absolute shit his first and last time on a skateboard, ended his sk8er boi phase the second his mom dragged him screaming to the emergency room. It was the talk of the blacktop for weeks, the deadline extending when Jisung Park accidentally slammed him in the face with a locker door.

It doesn’t heal right, and the rest of them turn a blind eye when he shows up to the first day of senior year with a completely new nose.

To be clear: The majority of people that meet Heeseung Lee think he’s an enigma. Jay, for some reason, does not think the same.

Really, Heeseung is so easy to figure out, it’s just that people like having some larger-than-life figure to look at.

Heeseung is lame. He plays video games with Riki and takes them seriously. He’s quiet and a little shy. He likes to be praised and taken care of. He’s just a boy trying his best.

To be even clearer: If there’s anyone that knows Heeseung the best, it’s probably Jay.

The fact that they’re not even friends makes it that much more embarrassing.

It’s really not Jay’s fault he had—keyword HAD—a crush on the boy for an embarrassingly long time. One thing everyone gets right: Heeseung is easy to like.

Jay is never an exception to any rule when it comes to Heeseung.

So: Heeseung is a sore spot to the highest degree. And Jay can’t seem to get rid of him.

Jay finds out Heeseung’s high school boyfriend cheated on him the night of senior prom.

Heeseung also finds out his boyfriend cheated on him the night of senior prom.

“Sorry you have to see me like this.” There’s snot running down his nose. “Must ruin your image of me, huh?”

It takes everything in Jay to not reach out and wipe it away with his bare hand. “I’ve never seen you cry before.”

“I don’t do it often.” Heeseung looks a bit ridiculous in his brother’s hand-me-down suit, slightly offsetting how uncanny it is to see him cry.

A group of girls walk past and Jay shifts to cover Heeseung from their line of sight. They’re outside of the gym standing in front of a trophy case filled with decades old achievements. Heeseung’s practically sobbing and Jay barely knows how to deal with it, but he knows he has to. “There’s nothing wrong with crying.”

“You guys have this idea of me.” Heeseung wipes his nose. It’s gross. The humanity of it sets Jay’s stomach alight. “I’m always so afraid I’ll ruin it.”

“I never expect you to be anything more than you are,” Jay says, because it’s the truth.

Heeseung blinks owlishly at him. It’s a ridiculous sight; Heeseung with dried tears on his cheeks and Jay stiffly standing across from him. Jay thinks if anyone were to walk out and see them they would think they looked crazy.

Jay sighs. “C’mere.” Heeseung shuffles closer as Jay takes the handkerchief his father gave him out from his pocket. “My dad has the creepy ability to always be prepared.”

Heeseung laughs. “That’s nice.”

They stand like that for a minute longer, Jay wiping his tears while Heeseung crowds into his space. Jay clears his throat when Heeseung finally breaks away. “Sorry your night was ruined.”

“It’s okay.” Heeseung looks so young like this. For a moment Jay is struck with the knowledge that they’re graduating in a month. It’s a terrifying thought.

Jay takes a chance. “Do you wanna dance?”

“In there?” Heeseung doesn’t want to go back in, Jay can tell by the way his hands shake.

“No, not if you don’t want to.” Jay offers a hand.

“Okay,” Heeseung says. His lips quirk up in a smile, the idea of slow dancing in the gym courtyard funny to him.

Jay holds him like he’s precious, like he’s never going to get the chance to again. Heeseung lays his head on Jay’s shoulder, and for a moment everything clicks into place.

When it comes down to it, his mom is the inspiration behind most of Jay’s adult decisions. She has successfully raised 1.5 respectable boys, and Jay trusts her with his life. A month before the end of his first year of college she forwards an email to him.

Jay skims most of it. She goes above his head to get a letter of recommendation for the job, and that’s how Jay finds himself stuck in a tiny box for the second year in a row. This time it’s for free, so there’s that.

So: Jay becomes an RA. It’s probably just an excuse to keep Jay out of the house, but he can live with that. And he enjoys it; Riki helps him make name cards for his residents, and the rest of his coworkers are nice. Unfortunately, the only downside is Heeseung Lee.

And even more unfortunately for him, the residents have picked up on it. At the beginning Jay really, really tried to keep all of his Heeseung feelings down to a minimum, but Jay wears his heart on his sleeve. Also, he has some crazy perceptive residents.

Sunoo’s the first one to bring it up, when Jay comes to bother him three hours after they meet for the first time. “What’s up with you and Jungwon’s RA?”

Jay looks up from his phone, feeling like he just got caught. “What?”

“It’s obvious Jungwon knows him, and it’s obvious that you know Jungwon, so doesn’t that mean you know him?” Sunoo seems to have finally figured out the right layout for all his crystals. He nods to himself and steps back, looking at Jay for the first time since he let him in.

“How do you know Jungwon?” Jay says, voice tight.

Sunoo levels a look at him. “Can you stay on script?”

“There’s a script?” Sunoo nods. “Um. We went to high school together.”

“Oh,” Sunoo says, “Are you guys friends?”

Are Heeseung Lee and Jongseong Jay Park friends?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: It’s complicated.

Things get worse about a month in. It’s like despite all of Jay’s attempts to ignore the past there’s a giant flashing sign pointing at it screaming for attention. The looks he gets from his residents leave him dizzy; Jiheon likes to flash a smile at him before snickering behind her hand to Sunoo every time she sees him. Jay wakes up for his 8 AM to a discussion happening in their Instagram group chat. Or, happened. At three in the morning. Freshmen are terrifying. He barely retains what was said, mostly because multiple messages were unsent. His glasses are out of his reach, and what he can see doesn’t make much sense (Jiheon Baek unsent / Sunoo Kim omg jiheon he’s in this gc / Doyoung Kim DUDEEEEEE [crying laughing emoji] / Jiheon Baek oops lol [laughing cat emoji] ) so he chooses to ignore it.

“We’re friendly,” Jay decides on the next time Sunoo questions him.

Jiheon hums. Sunoo nods his head. Jay breathes a sigh of relief.

Sometime between studying for SAT’s and figuring out who to ask to prom, Jay of the past finds himself in the basement of Kai’s dad’s house. Upon remembering this incident, future Jay tries really hard not to think about how Riki participates in the third life cycle of the Huening house turning into the party spot for high schoolers.

Jay has a Four Loko in his hand as he watches Sunghoon and Ryujin go back and forth about what everyone’s representative emoji would be if they were idols the first time he sees Heeseung Lee kiss a boy. It’s almost like he can feel the way Taehyun shudders against Heeseung when he runs long fingers through short brown hair. He excuses himself, ignoring the way Sunghoon asks him if he’s alright, and throws up in the bathroom.

“Dude, please tell me you made it to the toilet,” Kai says when he finds him ten minutes later. Jay’s spread across the floor, groaning because he can feel the beat of Old Town Road in his stomach and it’s not doing him any favors. “My dad will kill me if I get puke on the carpet.”

The deep pit in his stomach could be caused by a myriad of things: the alcohol, his anxiety at Kai’s dad potentially getting mad at him or, God forbid, seeing Heeseung shove his tongue so far down Taehyun Kang’s throat they’re probably getting drunk off each other.

In his drunken state, Jay blames the feeling on one thing. “I’m homophobic.”

“That’s so not cool.” Kai throws a water bottle at him, laughing when it hits Jay in the stomach. “We’re allies in this house.”

Jay waterfalls the water into his mouth and then hands it to Kai. If the way his eyes don’t focus on Jay when he looks at him is any indication, Kai needs it more than him. “Aren’t you gay?”

“Taehyun is.” That doesn’t answer Jay’s question. Also, he already knows that. “Are you really homophobic?”

Sunghoon slaps him over the head two weeks later when Jay finally tells him what he’s been moping over.

“I’m not saying that’s not warranted, but dude? Seriously? My hair looked good today.” Jay brings his hands up to smooth over the sides of his hair. In retrospect, it really didn’t look good, but Jay had had too many hits to his ego that month, so he was a little delusional.

Sunghoon lunges for him again. “You don’t hate gay people, stupid. I’m your best friend.”

Jay’s Homophobic Era, as Sunghoon dubs it, ends a month after he discovered Heeseung enjoys the touch of another man, because Jay finds out he also enjoys the touch of another man. In the grand scheme of touching another human being and being touched back, it was awful. That being said, Jay was a virgin at the time, and really, anything was enough for him at that point in time.

To be clear: Jay isn’t homophobic. If anything, he has a hard male lean, and an even harder sub lean on the switch scale, which he finds out a year later at his first college party. He had been in the middle of a vigorous makeout session with a boy he didn’t know the name of when he had pulled back and practically purred, “Good boy.” It had Jay almost coming in his pants, and then wanting to kill himself a year later when he walked into his first RA group meeting and found the boy talking to Heeseung.

“I know you.” The boy—Jake, narrows his eyes. Heeseung giggles next to him, the way Jay knows he does when he’s flirting.

“No you don’t,” Jay says, pointedly ignoring eye contact with the both of them. Jake tilts his head but ultimately doesn’t get the chance to say anything else.

Really, what’s worse: Having to watch Heeseung flirt with a guy he almost hooked up with, or trying to make sure said guy doesn’t remember that very incident.

After watching almost two hours of the first, Jay decides it was a lose-lose situation in the first place.

So: Jay is kind of a delinquent.

“You got suspended once,” Riki tells him the first time he truly brags about it. “That doesn’t count.”

Jay pouts, because it’s hard to find things to bond over with your crazy little brother, and this was supposed to be it.

Riki has never gotten suspended, but he vapes with his friends in the bathroom during lunch, so really it’s the same thing.

Addendum: Jay got suspended once and then spent the rest of his high school career panicking over it potentially ruining his ability to get into college.

He spends the three day suspension shut in his room, unable to complain to his friends due to being grounded, so he does the next best thing. Jay tiptoes his way downstairs after his dad leaves for work and asks his mom if she has a spare notebook he can write in. In it: he complains.

The first entry is the story of his suspension. In short terms: a senior had slapped Chaeyoung’s ass in front of the entire third period English, and Jay almost broke his nose for it.

Writing becomes a pastime for him after that. Riki makes fun of him for it, Sunghoon rolls his eyes whenever he sees the notebook, and his mom starts having dreams of him becoming a successful author.

Near the end of the notebook, in pages that have been read over and over again, with notes written in the margins and corners dog eared, is Jay’s best/worst kept secret.

It reads as follows:

The list has additions as recent as four months ago.

Here are some of the entries, in no particular order.

Some facts: Heeseung’s family lives up the street from them. Their moms regularly shop and gossip together. They both—Riki too—go to the same dance company and after school church group, and play on the same basketball team on the weekends.

Heeseung is a fundamental part of Jay’s life. Really, it’s no surprise when Jay’s mom mentions him in passing at dinner, but there’s a difference between knowing and knowing.

Suddenly, Jay starts to notice how much he’s mentioned, probably because he gets all shaky and his face heats up when he is.

“Jongseong has a crush.” Riki announces at dinner. It’s the eighth time in the past year he’s done so. The effect is lost in time.

The chicken is slightly undercooked due to Riki bothering their mom, and the dissatisfaction shows on his dad’s face. “Invite them for dinner sometime.” He says casually.

Jay is not casual. “Dad.” He whines. When met with a simple shrug of shoulders he slams his head on the table. “That’d be so horrible. You guys would embarrass me and Riki would be annoying and say something stupid to him and—”

“Don’t talk to your brother like that.” His mom scolds.

The pronoun goes unnoticed by both his parents until right after his graduation ceremony. His mom sees Daehwi Lee in the crowd and starts demanding a photo, until Riki turns around and says, “Dude, remember that picture of him sticking his tongue down your throat that went around last year? Crazy times.”

Riki is an artist and not a writer, as shown by how inarticulate he is. It’s a stylistic choice, much like everything else he does to make Jay’s life a living hell.

So. Heeseung gets mentioned a lot. Jay has an undesirable reaction every time it happens. Riki makes fun of him for the way his hands shake as he eats. Jay gets annoyed. Their mom tells them to cut it out.

The cycle begins again.

It’s been established that Riki covets two things the most in people: Talent and the ability to make him laugh. Heeseung, for some reason, fits both of those requirements. Jay doesn’t pick up on Riki’s newest addition until Sunghoon mentions it in passing.

The worst part about college is being fourteen hundred something miles away from your best friend. “Did you see that Ryujin commented on Heeseung’s last Instagram post?” Sunghoon’s trying and failing to stop himself from answering his Stats TA’s booty call he received an hour ago.

Jay is trying and failing to give a shit about what he’s saying. “I don’t follow him on Instagram.” That’s a lie.

“That’s a lie,” Sunghoon says, rolling over in his bed. “She liked Riki’s comment too.”

“Why do you care about what Ryujin Shin interacts with?” A pause. “Riki comments on Heeseung’s posts?”

Sunghoon laughs, the sound a million times more annoying over FaceTime. “All the time.”

Jay has all the faith in the world in his brother. Unfortunately for him, Riki doesn’t care.

“Apparently he hooked up with this girl in my Oral Comm class.”

“Apparently or he did?”

“I don’t know the girl! I wasn’t gonna tap on her shoulder and be all Excuse me? Is it true Heeseung Lee is a sex god? What do I look like?”

Jay takes his AirPods out at the mention of Heeseung. “What are you guys talking about?” The mail room is sorta the de facto hangout spot for when they want to avoid their residents at all costs. Jay uses it to do his homework and everyone else uses it to gossip.

Chaeryeong, who is a lovely girl and better than getting caught up in Heeseung gossip, slides into the chair next to him. “You went to high school with him right? Do you have any crazy stories?”

“I do not.” Jay swats Yuki’s hand away from his snacks. “Heeseung was lame in high school.”

Yerim gasps. “No way. That can’t be true.”

Jay shrugs.

“Well. It’s been two years, who knows what he’s been up to.” Winter sneaks up on him and manages to get a single Goldfish.

He doesn’t bother complaining, the idea of Heeseung having sex eating up his appetite.

On the last day of senior year Jay had stood outside Heeseung’s last period waiting for the crowd around him to thin out so Jay could get the chance to talk to him. A few strays had remained, like Kai in the corner probably texting his sister, but once enough had left Jay had entered the classroom, backpack hanging off one shoulder while his hands shook.

“Hey, Heeseung,” Jay said, fidgeting halfway outside of the doorway. When Heeseung didn’t look up from packing his things, Jay panicked. “I just wanted to say, I know we’re not really friends, but I think you’re cool. If you wanna– like. Stay in touch, or something.”

Heeseung had slung his bag on and made his way toward the door, still completely silent. His haircut at the time was, quite frankly, awful. Boxy bangs shoved underneath a huge pair of glasses, reddish brown tendrils swarming his nape, overgrown. He smiled politely at Jay and then slipped out the door.

Jay is the unlucky bastard that gets assigned desk duty on the first day back. He whines and groans to Beomgyu over text in an attempt to get him to switch, but it’s all for nothing. The stupid little drawing of Mario with a welcome back! speech bubble on the whiteboard pisses him off.

He likes his job, really. It’s enjoyable and his residents are fun and nice and—

Jay looks up from unpacking his bag to find Heeseung staring at him.

“Hello?” Jay asks, lifting the lid of his laptop.

Heeseung steps closer to the desk. “Hi.”

“Can I help you?”

“I was wondering if I could sit at the back desk and work on homework.” He rocks on his heels, backpack in his hands in front of his body, looking like he did on his first day of eighth grade.

Jay can’t believe his eyes. “Book a study room.”

“No.”

What the fuck? “I—Okay. I guess.”

Heeseung smiles at him as he walks past the partition. For all the things he has done to not look like his middle school self, retiring big glasses for contacts and getting a better haircut, he still looks the exact same. It makes Jay feel like throwing up. Or maybe that’s because he hasn’t eaten yet.

Jay pauses for a minute to weigh his options. Rationality does not win. “Are you hungry?” When he doesn’t get an answer, he cringes. “Heeseung.”

“What?” Jay turns to look at him, eyebrows pinched together as he holds an AirPod away from his ear.

This is so embarrassing. “Are you hungry?”

Sunghoon texts him twenty minutes later.

Sunghoon Park
dude
why is there a venmo transaction between you and heeseung

Jay Park
why are you stalking my venmo history?

Sunghoon Park
answer the question

Jay does not answer the question.

Heeseung hums happily as he eats his fries. It’s a bit concerning that Jay watches him take a drink with utmost focus. The water spills over when Heeseung roughly places the cup back on the desk. He curses under his breath and reaches for the stack of napkins that came with his food. They wet instantly when he places them around the bottle, and then he makes the whole situation worse by moving his hand up and down in an attempt to dry it off.

Jay can’t tear his eyes away from the train wreck in front of him. “Why are you jerking off your cup?”

“What?” They stare at each other.

A beat. “Nothing.” Jay pretends to type something on his laptop. A group of people walk past them towards the elevators, and Heeseung returns to his work, leaving Jay alone with his thoughts.

Heeseung, for everything that he is, at heart, is a disaster. His thought process has left Jay in a daze multiple times over the years, a tendency to say the most batshit things out of nowhere making Jay want to punch him in the face. So it’s really no surprise when the first thing out of Heeseung’s mouth in ten minutes is, “Are you gay?’

“What?” Heeseung just stares at him. Jay’s head spins. “Why do you care?”

Heeseung shrugs.

Throughout the next thirty minutes of Heeseung forcing himself into Jay’s space he looks up at him about fifty times. Jay makes a point to avoid eye contact.

Jay has a few floor rules. It’s his job as an RA to foster a living experience that leaves his resident’s with life long skills and whatever else was in the job posting. Let it be known: Jay has won every single “Who’s the better RA?” poll on their building’s Instagram.

Jay is also a hypocrite.

“I’m just saying.” Sunghoon is halfway across the country and also fucking his Statistics TA so he shouldn’t be saying anything. “What harm would swiping right do?”

Here’s how the story begins:

Meeting people that aren’t freshmen is hard when you never leave a dorm building full of them. So what does a nineteen year old involuntarily celibate boy do? He makes a Tinder. It looks a little like this:

Jay 19
Resident Assistant
Bisexal Man

Taurus, Art, Music, Smoker

he/him
just trying to have a good time ;)
5’10

Sunghoon laughs for twenty minutes straight when Jay sends him a screenshot. “You are so horrible.”

“What else would I say?” Jay whines. “I hate you.”

He doesn’t even match with anyone good, and that’s really what makes it so awful. The shame of having a Tinder in the first place is supposed to be offset by the satisfaction of getting at least a little action. Jay doesn’t get that.

Three days into swiping Jay finds what gets them here: Heeseung Lee’s Tinder profile. He could recite it to you from memory. Or just show you the screenshot he took.

Heeseung 20
Bisexual Man

6ft bc apparently that matters

It’s. Well. Something.

Jay closes out of the app every time he pops up for a week straight before they get to where they are. “I can’t.”

“Pussy,” Sunghoon says under his breath. And then louder, “It’s not like you guys will match.”

“So basically what you’re saying is that I should swipe left and never think about it again?” Jay is practical, Sunghoon should really take his advice one of these days.

Sunghoon wants to watch the world burn. “I’m saying, do whatever you want.”

Jay swipes right. “You’re right, we won’t match.”

They match.

“Fuck.”

Sunghoon stops laughing abruptly. “Wait. No way.”

“Oh my god.” Tinder’s stupid pop up covers his screen, prompting him to commit social suicide and message Heeseung Lee on Tinder and really, this is the end of him. “What do I do?”

“Message him.” Sunghoon turned into a whore in college and is now a horrible influence. “Holy shit, if you get a dick pic from Heeseung I’ll pay you for a picture of it.

Jay’s life just ended. “I’m not going to get a dick pic from him. I have to deactivate my account now.”

“No, please don’t.” Sunghoon whine. “Think of the opportunities.”

“The opportunity to embarrass myself?”

“The opportunity to get some good dick.”

“You know what,” Jay starts, slightly hysterical. “I’m exiting out of this God forsaken app and downing the rest of this vodka and then I’m going to bed.”

Sunghoon boo’s him. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Where’s the fun in embarrassing myself? Jay wants to say, but the vodka burned his throat so severely he almost starts drafting an email canceling their pod meeting tomorrow. Instead, Jay flips him off and ends the call.

Jeongin’s apartment used to be an old frat house, and Jay can feel the bad energy coming off it as soon as he walks in. Sunoo would be proud of him for thinking about it and then admonish him for going in the first place. Beomgyu has Jeongin tucked away into a corner in the main hallway, hand wrapped around a bicep, and Jay rolls his eyes when they nod as he walks past them.

Parties are a hit or miss situation for him. Really, the most fun he’s ever had at a party was his first year of highschool in Kai’s basement, near tears as he laughed at the look on Sunghoon’s face as Ryujin descended on him. Jay had matched Kai shot for shot while Sunghoon made out with Ryujin on the staircase. The next morning Sunghoon had kept him company while he puked his guts out, recounting in staggering detail the things Ryujin did with her tongue.

Jay does not have Sunghoon this time around, but he’ll still be able to have a little fun. He spots Yerim and Jake in the kitchen fiddling with the jungle juice as Winter paces back and forth. It’s not worth it to see what’s going on there, so he turns towards the living room.

Unlike what he had told Sunghoon would happen, Jay hasn’t seen Heeseung since they matched on Tinder. That is, until now.

For the first time since sophomore year Jay doesn’t attempt to explain away the way his heart skips a beat when he sees Heeseung. His hair is different, covering his forehead in the same way he used to style it back in high school instead of his usual pushed back. Jay’s stomach swoops. He turns on his heel.

“Drink?” Jake holds a cup out for him as he enters the kitchen. He downs it in one go. “Jeez. That kinda night?” Jake is nice. He refills drinks for Jay and ignores the elephant in the room that is their past.

Jay really likes the guy. “You have no idea.”

He’s on his fifth cup when he finally makes his way back to the living room. This time, Heeseung looks at him when he walks in. Jay freezes, and really, this was a long time coming. All the different sides of Heeseung add up to an extremely hard to hate boy, and tonight, Jay is finally able to swallow down the resentment brought on by one small event in the grand scheme of things. Only a little bit, but that’s progress.

Heeseung shines, everything about him. His wide eyes and even wider smile, his earrings catch on the dim light of the living room, it’s like everything brings Jay back to him. Jay feels voyeuristic watching Heeseung and his friends interact from across the room. His throat burns and his hand shakes when he takes another drink, causing the liquid to leak out around his mouth. Heeseung catches his eye again when Jay uses the back of his hand to wipe it away. They slowly track down Jay’s body and he burns all over, set alight by the way the entirety of Heeseung’s attention seems to be on him.

It suddenly gets too hot in the room and Jay no longer has a drink to distract himself with, so he leaves. Sunghoon will call him a coward in the morning, but he can live with that.

Except, Heeseung follows Jay when he leaves. They quietly walk past random duos and trios spread across the halls of the small apartment, one after another. He doesn’t look back, and Heeseung makes no attempt to catch his attention. Jay finds himself in the bathroom, noise from the party quieting and then momentarily coming back when Heeseung slips in behind him.

“Jongseong.” Heeseung’s voice curls around the syllables, melodic in the same way he sings his favorite songs.

He’s wearing a shirt he’s had since freshman year of highschool. Jay struggles to recall the last time he saw him wear it, except the memory comes back clear as day when Heeseung runs a hand through his hair. Flashes of Heeseung wrapped around someone else, strong arms bracketing his skinny body, come to the front of Jay’s mind. “Talked to Taehyun recently?”

“The other day.” Heeseung’s voice is light, contrasted by the darkness in his eyes. There’s no cover on the light above the sinks, the intensity of it painting Heeseung’s face in harsh highlights and shadows. “He’s doing well.”

Jay finds himself unconsciously leaning into him. “That’s good.” His voice is almost a whisper.

Heeseung’s eyes flick down to Jay’s mouth. He licks his bottom lip, stomach lurching when Heeseung’s breath stutters. “You—Uh.”

Jay kisses him.

The way Heeseung moans into the kiss has Jay pressing even harder against him. His hands come up to thread in Heeseung’s hair, grinding against him when he groans. Heeseung tastes like jungle juice and nicotine and Jay is addicted. He licks into his mouth, a hand falling to grip his waist, relishing in the way Heeseung whines.

Heeseung pulls away. “Wanted to do this for so long,” He says in between trailing kisses down the side of Jay’s neck. Jay whines when he bites down. “Always thought you’d look so pretty marked up.”

Jay should be embarrassed at how desperate Heeseung must think he is, but he can’t find it in himself to care. Heeseung’s hands on him burn, his grip almost bruising, and Jay hopes he wakes tomorrow with the reminder engraved on his skin; reds and purples serving as a visual aid. At the very least, he’ll have the hickeys on his neck, but the idea of marks only he can see, hidden beneath clothes from everyone else, has him nearly delirious.

“Heeseung.” Jay tugs on his hair harshly, humming when he thrusts against him. He wants to kiss him again, he realizes as Heeseung sucks another bruises right over his birthmark. “Come here.”

Getting what he wants out of Heeseung has always been like pulling teeth. He doesn’t return, instead his hands run down Jay’s chest as he sinks to his knees. They sneak under his shirt, right hand pinching a nipple. “God, baby. These tits.” He focuses on Jay’s pants when he whines, high and needy.

Jay clutches the sink behind him as Heeseung works on his belt. “Oh my god.” All movement stops and Jay has to force himself to level his breathing.

“Is this alright?” Heeseung’s eyes are wide as he looks up at him, mouth dropped open slightly.

Jay wants him, despite it all. “Yes,” he says, and then when Heeseung doesn’t move, “Please.”

Heeseung’s smile is lopsided. “Good boy.”

He shivers.

Let it be known: Jay never really set out to sleep with Heeseung, even back in high school. High school was—Well…a moment for Jay. A moment that he swallowed down the second Heeseung had smiled sweetly at him and slipped out the door. A moment that he was determined to never repeat.

Adding on to that: Heeseung is a little bit of a whore. Jay isn’t so snotty to act like he’s better than him because the last time (before…whatever this was) he got some action was Jake, but still, it’s an important detail to this equation.

So: Jay liked Heeseung, but in an I want to hold your hand and kiss your cheek kind of way, and not please rail me I’m begging. Heeseung is infamous for his exploits, at least with the other RA’s, and he sleeps around to the point of it not mattering to him in any substantial way.

Jay doesn’t know what’s worse: Sleeping with Heeseung Lee or knowing it meant absolutely nothing to him.

If this had happened to anyone else Jay would be able to solve the problem. Unfortunately for him, there really is no solution.

It brings them back to where they were at the beginning of the semester. Jay orbiting around Heeseung but never quite being able to touch him. Not that he wants to.

Ever again.

The bruises Heeseung leaves on his neck sting when Jay presses down on them.

Fuck.

Alright, scratch high school. What does Jay have without that?

Jay walked into the first RA team meeting with the sole purpose of ignoring Heeseung. It’s been said before, but he’ll say it again: Heeseung exists outside of Jay’s area of control.

“Jong—” Heeseung had cut himself off. “Jay.”

And really, that was it.

Just for a bit of context: Nobody outside of his family calls him Jongseong anymore.

The next day when Jay walks into the mailroom it feels like he’s floating. He recognizes that the girls are doing their usual routine of gossiping, but none of it reaches his ears. It’s like he’s seeing the world through a pair of VR glasses.

Chaeryeong notices too much. “What happened between you and Heeseung?”

Jay’s hand around his water bottle flexes. “What makes you think something happened?”

“You haven’t been speaking to each other,” Chaeryeong says. “Which is–It’s usual? At least, it used to be. That’s why I’m worried.”

“You’re worried because it’s usual?”

“I’m worried because things changed.” The room quiets and Jay doesn’t have to look over to know they’re being watched.

He shrugs. “Shit happens.”

“To you,” she starts. “But not to him.”

And well. That’s new. “What does that mean?”

“You’re not the only one acting weird.”

It’s almost as if Heeseung and him sleeping together blew a hole in the universe leaving him with the worst case of karma ever.

Here’s the scene Heeseung walks in on:

He freezes in the doorway. Actually, everyone freezes. Beomgyu crashes into him, not noticing the wack ass energy, and they all collectively flinch at the noise. Heeseung’s mouth sets into a straight line, the way it does when he’s annoyed. Whether it be at Beomgyu, the girls, or Jay, he doesn’t know.

“You guys should figure it out.” Chaeryeong attempts to whisper, but the room is too silent to cover it.

Jay nods. Heeseung’s staring straight at him when he turns away. His eyes shift and Jay has no doubt his gaze moved down to his neck. Where the hickeys are.

Heeseung’s hickeys. The hickeys Heeseung gave him. The hickeys that Jay encouraged him to make.

He bites his lip.

Heeseung shivers.

In the middle of Jay’s Abnormal Psychology lecture he gets a notification. More specifically, a notification from Tinder. His professor is boring and doesn’t care about phones so he clicks on it.

Jay’s stomach drops when it brings him to his chat with Heeseung.

[2:43] wyd

Oh Jesus.

[2:44] what the fuck is wrong with you

It takes a few minutes for Heeseung to respond.

[2:47] can we meet up? we should talk

[2:47] what makes you think i want to talk to you

[2:48] please

It’s so uncharacteristic of Heeseung to apologize it makes Jay pause.

[3:00] do you remember the last day of senior year?

[3:01] what does that have to do with this?

So much more than he can even imagine.

[3:01] everything

[3:03] you were waiting outside my last class

[3:04] yeah

[3:05] you were waiting for kai
[3:05] i really hoped you had been waiting for me

And well. If that doesn’t change things.

“You still call me Jongseong.” Heeseung looks like he hasn’t slept in several days. Jay wants to hold his face in his hands and scream a thousand praises. “Only sometimes, but you do.”

The courtyard behind their building is empty due to the cold weather. If he’s being honest, Jay can barely feel his feet, but he’d rather die than do this in front of spectators.

“It’s your name,” Heeseung responds like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Jay disagrees; the most obvious thing in the world is his feelings. “I was waiting for you.” He watches the gears shift in Heeseung’s brain. “You didn’t answer me.”

“Why would you have waited for me?” Heeseung’s words come out quiet, like the thought had never occurred to him in the two years since it happened.

For everything that Jay is, he is one thing above all: Painfully, terrifyingly, embarrassingly honest. “I was in love with you.” And then, “Still am.

Once it’s out in the air Jay feels like he can finally, truly breathe for the first time in years. Heeseung curls into himself with the weight of the confession. Jay doesn’t try to downplay what he said, letting his feelings just be for once.

He’s waited long enough, what’s a little bit more?