Work Text:
Track #1
"It's you
It's always you
If I'm ever gonna fall in love
I know it's gonna be you"
Being in love with your best friend is not easy, but Atsushi wouldn't have it any other way. He doesn't even remember when it started. There was no oh moment, no sudden realization. Only the warmth in his heart, far stronger than anything he's ever felt for anyone else, and he's listened to enough songs about love to know what it means.
But their friendship is more important to Atsushi than anything else in his life, so he doesn't mind if their relationship stays the way it is forever. As long as they remain close to each other, it's okay.
At least, that's what he tells himself.
Track #2
"There in the past, you'll be there tomorrow
All my life, your love was breaking through
It's always been you"
"BOO!"
Atsushi jumps in surprise. He's been so engrossed in the song playing in his earphones that he hasn't noticed someone approaching him at all. The loud voice cuts through the music despite the earbuds blocking his ears, and he instinctively raises his arms, trying to defend himself from the unexpected attack. They catch on the cord of his earphones instead, and he only ends up painfully tearing the earbuds out of his ears.
Once his ears are open, he hears a laugh he would recognize anywhere.
"Dazai-senpai," Atsushi pants, clutching at his wildly beating heart. "Don't scare me like that."
Dazai answers with a wide grin. "Sorry, Atsushi-kun," he says, showing no remorse at all. "I just couldn't resist."
He never does. Atsushi can only roll his eyes and sigh.
"One day, you'll make me die of a heart attack."
"Impossible." Dazai bumps his shoulder against Atsushi's. "What would I do alone without my Atsushi-kun, hm?"
It's just teasing, Atsushi knows. But despite the cheeky smile, Dazai's eyes shine with unexpected honesty, so Atsushi looks away before he assumes too much and the redness of his cheeks can betray him.
Dazai has it all wrong. No matter how hard he tries to hide it, Atsushi knows that his laziness is just an act. He's smart, a lot smarter than anyone else Atsushi knows, and despite all of his attempts to push everyone else away, there's a lot of people who care about him.
He would be fine without Atsushi. It's Atsushi who wouldn't know what to do without Dazai.
"You'd find another victim to tease easily," Atsushi says, fighting to keep the cheer in his voice. He bumps Dazai's shoulder back. "But your music taste would be much worse."
"That's very true," Dazai laughs.
A warm breeze blows by. A pair of students passes the school gate where Atsushi and Dazai stand, and Atsushi catches bits of their conversation about their plans for a date this weekend. He follows them with his gaze until they disappear behind the corner, his eyes focused on their entangled hands. When he looks back to Dazai, he finds him already looking back.
"I..." Atsushi tries to say something, but Dazai has that look in his eyes that he gets sometimes. The one that feels as if he can see right through Atsushi and read all of his thoughts. He's already the person who knows the most about Atsushi, except for this one single secret Atsushi keeps close to his heart.
Can he see through it too?
Dazai doesn't say anything that could prove that he does. Instead, his eyes fall on the earphones dangling down from Atsushi's pocket, and he grabs one earbud and puts it into his ear. "What were you listening to?"
It's like a switch gets flipped in Atsushi.
"I almost forgot to tell you, I found a new band last night!" he exclaims excitedly. "They are so incredible! It's a rock band, but they use a lot of classical instruments too. I watched a few videos of their concerts online, and they really play classical instruments live on stage, and it sounds SO GOOD!! It's like a mix of modern and classical, and you really need to listen to their song 'No Longer Human'. I think you'll like the lyrics of this one the most and—"
Dazai's hands grasp both of Atsushi's shoulders.
"Atsushi-kun, breathe."
"Sorry," Atsushi laughs. "I got a little overexcited."
"Nothing to be sorry about," Dazai says and ruffles Atsushi's hair. "Come on, let's get going and play me one of those songs because after this introduction, I really need to know what they sound like."
Atsushi takes the other free earbud and takes his phone out of his pocket.
"Alright. Let me just send you a link to their album first—"
"Watch out!"
Dazai pulls Atsushi out of the way as a group of students almost crashes into them. Atsushi's fingers slip across his phone's screen and it almost falls on the ground, but Atsushi manages to save it at the last second.
He doesn't realize that he unintentionally sent Dazai a wrong link.
Track #3
"I wait around and bide the time
Where hesitation numbs the mind
I will be"
To Atsushi, music has always been an escape.
He doesn't remember his life before the orphanage. The earliest childhood memories he's got consist of nothing but punishments from the orphanage staff or bullying from the other kids. His days were colorless and lonely, and at nights, as he lay in his bed shivering from the cold, he couldn't help but wonder if that was how everyone lived their lives too. Just waiting for another day to pass, not having anything to look forward to the next day. Even the idea of getting out of the orphanage one day didn't bring him comfort if that was all life had to offer.
Until one night, something changed.
Usually, the only sounds that could be heard at night were muffled sobs of other children or the footsteps of the staff patrolling the corridors. Yet this time, what reached Atsushi's ears was something new. It was barely louder than the breaths of other children sleeping in the room, but Atsushi was sure he didn't mishear it.
It was the first time Atsushi heard music.
Any type of entertainment was forbidden in the orphanage, including music. The only time Atsushi had contact with it was when they learned religious choir songs during classes, but this was different. The sound flowed, soft and gentle, unlike anything he's ever heard before.
So he waited every night to hear the music again, and the melodies would take him far from the orphanage, allowing him to imagine a different life, something more that hopefully awaited him beyond the walls of that place.
Since then, every time the world got too much, he turned to music.
Now, he's got a playlist for everything. For a bad day, for a good day. For the morning when he prepares for the day and for the evening when he unwinds after school. It's even become a habit by now that whenever he reads a new book or watches a new tv show, he makes a playlist of songs that remind him of it.
But he also has a secret playlist, one he hasn't shown anybody else, especially not to Dazai. He doesn't listen to it often, but after everything that happened today on the way back home from school, he searches for it on his phone almost unconsciously.
His friendship with Dazai is the most precious thing in Atsushi's life. It's enough to have someone to share his interests with, someone who understands loneliness in the same way he does. But when Atsushi lays on his bed and closes his eyes, he lets himself dream.
The playlist has nothing but love songs on it. When he puts the earphones in his ears, gentle guitar and lyrics full of yearning, of love, fill his ears. He mouths the words quietly along with the singer and imagines how it would be to hold Dazai's hand as they walk home from school, to kiss the smile off his face when he laughs at one of his own jokes, to whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears. He imagines a world in which he dares to confess the truth of his feelings.
Too quickly, it becomes too much and tears gather in Atsushi's eyes. He's still too afraid—no, terrified—that telling Dazai the truth would ruin everything. The loneliness that seeped into his body at the orphanage never left. It's still there at the bottom of his heart; dark, empty, and threatening. Ready to come back and swallow him whole.
When tears spill from Atsushi's eyes, the phone in his hand buzzes. Atsushi scrambles to stop the music but accidentally answers the call.
"Hey, Atsushi-kun!" The voice of the singer turns into Dazai's.
Atsushi's heart stops.
It's the worst moment for Dazai to call. They've just seen each other, so why is Dazai even calling right now? Atsushi curses his clumsy fingers. Dazai is still waiting on the line for Atsushi's reply, and Atsushi can't keep him waiting any longer before he starts to suspect something.
"Mmm?" Atsushi manages to get out, not trusting his voice right now.
Maybe it's because he's been successfully hiding his crush from Dazai for so long Atsushi forgot how perceptive Dazai can be.
"Atsushi-kun, are you okay? Is something wrong?" Dazai catches on in an instant, and his voice turns gentle, full of care and warmth. It only makes everything worse. New tears threaten to spill from Atsushi's eyes, and he squeezes them tightly, trying to keep the tears inside. He should say something, he needs to say something, but he's sure that if he opens his mouth, the only sound that will leave will be a broken sob.
Silence on the line stretches.
"You're worrying me," Dazai says. "Please tell me what's wrong. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
I know, but I can't tell you this. I can't ever tell you this.
"Did something happen at home?"
Atsushi takes a deep breath, trying to calm his erratic heartbeat. "No," he whispers, not daring to speak any louder.
"Did Akutagawa tell you something rude at school again?" Dazai presses.
Actually, he did. But Atsushi would never give him the satisfaction of crying over it.
"No."
"Did someone... break your heart?
"What?" Atsushi squeaks, caught off guard. How did Dazai come to this conclusion? Atsushi never spilled a word, not to anyone. He was so careful. Did Dazai notice something after all?
The line is quiet for a moment before Dazai's cheerful voice fills the silence again.
"Why didn't you tell me that you had a crush on someone? Atsushi-kun, I thought we were friends," Dazai whines.
This is going in an even worse direction than Atsushi feared. How is he going to get out of this now?
"Actually, it's okay," Dazai answers without waiting for Atsushi's reply. "You don't have to tell me who it is. It's even better if you don't tell me. I don't think I could stop myself from doing something to them for making Atsushi-kun cry."
Despite the ridiculousness of the situation, Atsushi feels the need to defend Dazai before himself.
"They didn't do anything. It's not their fault."
"But they did make you sad," Dazai insists.
"I'll be fine."
"Fine is not enough. Atsushi-kun deserves to be happy."
I am happy. You make me happy.
But that would be too close to the truth.
Track #4
"To tell you the truth
I don’t know how I feel about you
I’ve never been so confused"
The phone slips from Dazai's hand and falls onto the bed with a soft thud.
So it's true. Atsushi-kun is in love with someone.
Dazai had a bad feeling ever since he opened the link Atsushi had sent him. He expected to see the album they listened to on the way home today, but instead, his music app opened something completely unexpected.
He didn't recognize most of the songs, but the titles alone were enough to understand the playlist's theme—the word love appeared in almost every one of them. They didn't listen to any of them together, Dazai would remember. He remembers every playlist Atsushi has ever made for him, every song Atsushi recommended.
But Atsushi already made a playlist for someone else. Someone he's in love with.
It's fine. It's all fine, isn't it? Atsushi deserves to be happy, to be loved by the person he chooses to love. And he's the best person Dazai knows—passionate, kind, caring. The kind of person that stops whatever they're doing when they see someone in trouble. Who wouldn't fall in love with him?
But if Atsushi confesses to his crush and they accept, everything will change. They will walk home after school together and spend every lunch break in each other's company. Atsushi will share his new musical discoveries with them, and they will share a pair of earphones to listen to them. And if Atsushi does all of this, will there even be any space left for Dazai in his life?
Atsushi would be fine without Dazai. He tends to be shy and doesn't believe in himself enough, but people take to him instantly (with a rare exception in Akutagawa, but that only proves the rule). He gains new friends wherever he goes. But what would Dazai do without Atsushi?
Dazai curses himself for that call. If he didn't call, at least he would be in the dark about Atsushi's crush for a little longer.
Track #5
"Maybe won't you take it back?
Say you were tryna make me laugh
And nothing has to change today
You didn’t mean to say 'I love you'"
Something has changed.
It's exactly what Atsushi feared would happen if he ever confessed his feelings. And he didn't, not really, not intentionally, but he still managed to mess everything up.
They met on the morning train like they always do. They walked from the station to the school, taking the same road they always take. It was a day like any other, but what used to be a time filled with laughter and music, a little escape from everything else in their lives, today was too silent, too awkward.
Dazai didn't mention the call nor Atsushi's supposed crush on someone else. Atsushi was prepared for everything—for Dazai's teasing and joking, for Dazai trying to guess the object of Atsushi's affection and giving the most ridiculous guesses in the world. But he was not prepared for Dazai not raising the topic at all.
Dazai's silence didn't give Atsushi the courage to talk about it either. Maybe he should've just denied everything and turned it into a joke. He knows he should try to explain. But he had stayed up all night, thinking up stories and excuses to clear this misunderstanding, and in the end, when he saw Dazai in the morning, he didn't have any believable lie to tell.
And now, as he sends yet another "Where are you? Are you going back home with me today?" text and receives no reply, Atsushi's heart truly breaks.
Track #6
"Ended up on a crossroad
Try to figure out which way to go
It's like you're stuck on a treadmill
Running in the same place"
Atsushi stands before the door to Dazai's classroom, fidgeting. The third year's floor is not unfamiliar territory to him; even if usually it's Dazai who comes to Atsushi's classroom at recess to take him to their place, Atsushi has been here enough times to feel comfortable. But Dazai wasn't there on the train this morning, and Atsushi hasn't been at peace since they parted ways yesterday, or maybe even earlier, since that unfortunate phone call that started it all.
Coming here, he didn't have any plan of what to say. But he knows he needs to say something—to apologize, explain, or whatever else it takes to take things back to how they were. Quite possibly, Dazai is not even in the classroom, but the thought that he is there makes Atsushi just as nervous as the thought that he isn't.
As Atsushi paces in place, the door to the classroom opens.
"Atsushi," Kunikida greets, standing tall and proper like the student council president he is. "What are you doing here? Do you have any council matters to discuss with me?"
"No, Kunikida-senpai," Atsushi replies. "Actually I... I was hoping to catch Dazai-senpai."
Kunikida sighs. "I haven't seen that waste of bandages today. At least it's quieter around here, but skipping class like that... it's far from ideal."
"You haven't seen him at all?" Fear and worry creep down Atsushi's spine.
"No. I tried to call him too, but he didn't pick up."
"Atsushi." Oda appears behind Kunikida. "Have you heard from Dazai today?"
Oda's gaze is kind and warm. Usually, being around him makes Atsushi feel at ease, and he fully understands why Dazai is so fond of him, but sometimes—like today—his eyes seem to know too much. He looks at Atsushi like he knows what happened. Like he knows it's all Atsushi's fault.
"No," Atsushi replies, avoiding looking at Oda. "I thought I would find him here."
Oda tenses. It doesn't show on his face, but his grip on the door tightens, and he shoots a look behind him at Ango, another friend of Dazai's. "It's been a while since he skipped class," he says.
Atsushi knows Oda didn't mean it as an accusation. But it still feels like one when he knows that he's the reason why.
Atsushi's hands tremble. "I'm sorry," he manages to say before he turns his back to the third years and runs.
His soft slippers thud against the floor as he pushes through the students gathered in the corridor.
"HEY!" someone yells behind him, but Atsushi doesn't stop. Unshed tears cloud his vision. He doesn't know where he's going. He wants to be somewhere far from the school, far from everything. He wants to fill his head with music, to let someone else's words take his thoughts far, far away, but his earphones are in his bag back in his classroom and he can't return there like this.
But most of all, he wants to be right next to Dazai.
The noise of the school quietens with every step Atsushi takes, and before he knows it, he finds himself at the staircase at the far end of the school. For a moment, he hoped that maybe Dazai would be there, like every day at lunch break. But the place is empty, just like when he found it the first time.
Atsushi sits on one of the steps and rests his back against the wall.
It's strange to be in this place alone, without Dazai. It was supposed to be Atsushi's safe haven, the place to go to be alone, even if only for a moment, but quickly it became their place instead. They've spent so many lunch breaks here with one pair of earphones shared between them, sharing their favorite songs and discovering new ones.
And as Atsushi sits there in silence, he's suddenly reminded of the day when he overheard Kunikida noting that Dazai didn't skip classes that often anymore. When Atsushi asked Dazai about it, the other replied simply, "School is more fun when you're here."
Track #7
"There's noise outside
Now I'm only listening
To the nothing
But somehow everything"
New family, new school, new life—Atsushi's life turned upside down in a matter of days. Leaving the orphanage behind felt too good to be true, and he pinched himself so many times that the skin of his left forearm was constantly reddened. His new guardian Fukuzawa-san seemed strict at first, but he proved to be a kind and caring person. He already had one other child under his care, and Atsushi quickly grew to love Kyouka-chan like a sister. The other kids in his class were nice and friendly, even though Atsushi joined them in the middle of the school term, and there was really nothing to complain about. It was all Atsushi could ever want and more.
But instead of spending the lunch break laughing and joking with his classmates as he should, Atsushi quietly slipped out of the classroom again.
The school's noise was different from what he was used to at the orphanage. Here the students talked loudly and laughed freely, and Atsushi's ears still rang with the stuffy quietness of the orphanage walls. He still couldn't get used to it no matter how hard he tried.
Guilt overcame him as he walked through the school corridors further and further from the rest of the students. He received this chance thanks to Fukuzawa-san, and here he was, running away instead of making the best of the opportunity he got. If Fukuzawa-san chose some other kid, surely they would be better suited for a life like this. Or at least, they wouldn't run away as quickly as Atsushi did.
The noise became much quieter when he took a turn right and saw a staircase leading to the rooftop of the building. The door to the rooftop was always closed, but the stairs were the quietest place Atsushi had found in the entire school. He could already feel calmer at the prospect of relaxing in his safe place and spending a moment only with the music in his ears, but the whole plan crashed when he noticed that he was not alone.
Someone was already sitting at the staircase.
Judging by the uniform, he was also a student, but Atsushi had never seen him before. He was sure he would remember—the bandages wrapped around his arms and neck were quite an unforgettable style choice, but it wasn't them that Atsushi focused on. It was the pair of headphones over the guy's head.
Atsushi's first instinct was to turn away and run before he was noticed. But he kept standing there, mesmerized by the way the guy tapped his foot to the rhythm known only to him.
Suddenly, their eyes met. Atsushi felt his cheeks grow hot as the brown eyes of the strange music lover bore into him, but he didn't turn. Instead, when the guy lowered his headphones, Atsushi asked a question in a spur of bravery he didn't know he possessed.
"What are you listening to?"
The guy's eyebrows shot up. Then, he chuckled and answered, "Wanna hear?"
Track #8
And I can't keep this love a secret
And I don't want to go on longing
I just want a chance
For me to prove my love
And I can't keep this from you
After failing to contact Dazai for the whole day, the way back home from school alone feels even worse than the day before.
Atsushi drags his feet towards the train station in silence. He can't bring himself to play any music even though he's got his earphones on out of habit. There's no song that he could enjoy right now, not when every single one only makes him think about Dazai and drives the thorn deeper into his heart.
Scrolling through his playlists, hoping to find any song he wouldn't hate at this moment, his eyes fall on the playlist that started it all. The love songs playlist.
He clicks on it and searches through the list of songs. I Love You, It's Always Been You—the titles of the songs leave no room for doubt, and it's no wonder that Dazai came to the conclusion that Atsushi is in love with someone.
If only he knew that the one Atsushi is in love with is him...
Atsushi stops in his tracks.
I Love You.
It's Always Been You.
It's almost like a message.
A smile appears on Atsushi's face as the idea forms in his head. If Dazai doesn't want to pick up Atsushi's calls or reply to his texts, this might be the only way.
Atsushi clicks on the edit button of the playlist and goes to work.
He doesn't move from his spot on the sidewalk. People pass him by, sometimes bumping him whenever it gets crowded, but he pays them no mind, too focused on his task. He frantically types words into the search bar of his music app, looking for the specific titles and then putting them in the right order.
When the playlist is finished, Atsushi closes his eyes and presses the send button.
Track #9
Don't make me wait
Any longer today
Any longer tomorrow
The phone in Atsushi's hands vibrates. Dazai's name appears on the screen, and Atsushi is hit with the reality of what he's done.
He confessed.
In a bit of an unusual way, but he's sure Dazai will understand. Music has always been their language. It's only fitting that Atsushi uses it.
Atsushi takes a deep breath and picks up.
"Hello?"
"Atsushi-kun, where are you?" Dazai sounds breathless.
"Uhm." Atsushi looks around. He almost forgot what he was doing before the idea for the playlist hit him. "On the way from the school to the station. By the park."
"Alright. Don't move!" Dazai only exclaims and ends the call.
So Atsushi waits.
Not much later, Dazai appears with flushed cheeks and shortness of breath. He takes his own phone out of his pocket and thrusts it into Atsushi's hands as he tries to catch his breath. Atsushi takes it and looks at the screen. There's a playlist open. I love you too, reads the title of the first song.
Atsushi gasps. He looks up from the phone to glance at Dazai and sees Dazai nervously smile back. He opens his mouth to say something, but Dazai urges him to read further first, so he looks back to the phone in his hand.
"When did you have time to put this together?" Atsushi can't fight the smile that threatens to overtake his face.
"Ah, well." Dazai rubs the bandage at his neck. "I've had a lot of time to think today. And I've come to the conclusion that I really don't want you to be in love with anyone else."
"That's good," Atsushi replies. "Since the person I'm in love with is you. And about those last two songs on the playlist..." He gathers all of his courage and takes a step forward to close the gap between him and Dazai. "I like them a lot," he says and raises himself on his toes to press his lips against Dazai's.