Chapter Text
They say you can see your soulmate in your dreams, what they are doing, how they feel. It’s supposed to show you a way to finally meet the person you are destined to stay with forever, you’re destined to love.
Leonard had known about soulmates since he was a little kid. His parents made sure to tell him their story every so often, how they had dreamed about each other until they finally met and how it felt like they found their missing puzzle piece. So it was no wonder that little Leonard went to bed every night hoping for his dreams to start, longing for what his parents had.
He didn’t dream for the first almost six years of his life and even if he was a kid he still feared that he’d be someone who didn’t have a soulmate. Eventually he did start dreaming. He saw the face of a blond haired woman, smiling down at him, but something was off, he felt like the whole scene was supposed to be happy, but the woman had a sad aura around her. The longer he dreamed, the more dangerous the whole atmosphere appeared. The last thing he saw before he shot awake was the wide expanse, the darkness of space.
After that the dreams became a regular occurrence. At first it continued to be the woman from his first dream, a boy a few years younger than Leonard would join the woman from time to time, but that was about it. It took a few years for the scenery to change. Leonard would see glances of a house not unlike his own, but outside the windows weren’t peach trees, the house seemed to be surrounded by cornfields.
At age ten he started putting together a board with everything he knew about his soulmate. The board grew bigger and bigger the more years passed, and maps joined the scramble of pictures. His mother stood in the door frame, watching him with fond eyes, smiling at his attempt to get a grasp of the person who’d make him whole. And eventually she’d join him, looking with him at everything he’d put together.
“What if I don’t find my soulmate?” Leonard asked, a fear he couldn’t quite describe gripping his heart.
“I know you will,” his mother answered.
“How?”
“I can feel it in my bones, can’t you?” He shook his head and his mother only smiled, “You will.”
He smiled back at her, not yet sure what she meant. But he found out shortly after he turned fourteen. After a night spent reading one too many of his dad’s medical books he fell asleep during lunch break. A single sentence was ghosting around his head over and over again: You look just like your father. And then he saw it, the first glimpse of his soulmate. Everything looked blurry, but he could make out bright blue eyes and golden hair. A short moment of blackness and he could see a clearer picture, this time of a fist on its way to collide with the mirror in front of him.
The sound of the shattering mirror still sounded in his ears when he woke up from the ache in his hand, a gasp leaving his lungs as tears burned in his eyes. Feeling it in his bones, indeed. The ache didn’t leave for days. But that wasn’t his biggest concern at the moment, the whole cafeteria was staring at him, pointing and whispering. He already was an outcast having skipped one year and not being the most social person, preferring a medical book over any and all people.
He clutched his fist to his chest and hurried away from the mess, blushing and hiding in his too big sweater, wondering for the first time if this whole soulmate situation was a blessing or rather a curse. Ducking into one of the school restrooms he found himself in front of a mirror not unlike the one that had broken under his soulmate’s fist. He closed his eyes trying to take a steadying breath, but all he could see at the back of his eyelids were the limpid blues, swimming with tears and the sun kissed blond hair, that almost formed a halo over the still blurred form of his soulmate; the air shuddered out of his lungs.
The blue burned itself into his brain and he started to search for it almost unconsciously in any crowd, but it was never the right kind of blue, not the right shade of blond, it was never the person his heart longed for.
His dreams grew in their dynamic not long after the cafeteria incident. More often than not he’d be running through cornfields, along streets barely escaping cars, running underneath the stars looking up, searching for guidance, until he woke up drenched in sweat, adrenaline pumping through his veins, unable to fall back asleep. And so he started to go on late night runs himself, trying to rid himself of the images running through his brain, the emotions boiling inside him, the sudden longing for the stars even though he was afraid of what would be out there.
The nightly workouts didn’t go unnoticed, the people at school started to see him, show interest in him, but he couldn’t even look them in the eyes, knowing that he wouldn’t find the ocean blue eyes that he’d drown in every night in his dreams. From his childhood on he had always thought having a soulmate, knowing that there was someone out there that was destined to love you was a cause of happiness. That's the way his parents had always pictured it after all, but Leonard couldn’t help feeling lost, a big gaping hole in his heart that nothing could fill up. He buried himself deeper in his books, desperate to finish High School, to get a change of scenery that could maybe help stifle his longing.
He started med school at age seventeen. He still ran in his dreams, always running, but instead of going on runs himself to work off the adrenaline he powered through his assignments, read the medical texts, learned the procedures.
He was still in his first year, when he had met with someone for a study session in the library and nodded off. It started like any other dream, the feeling of wind in his hair only the road ahead of him, feeling indestructible, ready to break free from all the chains holding him back. But something was off, he wasn’t running, he was driving. He could feel the vibrations of the old car on the rocky road, could see the blue eyes in the rearview mirror. His hands sweaty on the steering wheel from the excitement, his foot heavy on the accelerator, growing heavier when sirens started to sound in his ears.
A brief glance at a policeman, a quick turn through a fence and straight ahead, not slowing down even as the quarry appeared in view. Relentlessly driving towards sure death, breath quickening as the car leaps over the edge. The feeling of hands hitting unyielding stone is the last sensation he took with him from his dream.
But Leonard didn’t feel awake, this couldn’t be reality. His breaths came in short gasps, his lungs couldn’t get a hold of air. His whole body was shaking.
“McCoy? You okay?” It sounded distant. His heart pounding loudly and way too fast in his ears, muting everything else.
There was only the feeling of the ground beneath his feet falling away, losing control, impending death. A pain in his hands, he had to focus on the pain, he was alive, his soulmate was alive, the pain was a reminder. He called the blue eyes in his mind, bright blue eyes that were the definition of life, the pain, if it hurts you’re still alive. We’re still alive. Clenching his hands, he urged air into his lungs. He opened his eyes, being met with the concerned face of his study partner. Not what he’d hoped to see his heart told him.
“You alright?”
“No,” he answered honestly and he knew he wouldn’t be for a while. Leonard continued to be shaken for weeks, the weeks it took for him to dream again. The following dream left him both relieved and fearful. This time he had seen the big black nothingness of space outside a small shuttle window.
He fell back into old habits, he buried himself once more in books, anything to get his mind off the darkness and silence of space and the feeling that his soulmate was even more out of reach now than ever. He met his biggest distraction from his soulmate three weeks later, Jocelyn Darnell.
She was tall, blue-eyed and blond, confident, cocky and so close to everything he had dreamed about. And even though he knew she wasn’t his soulmate he fell in love with her. She didn’t believe in soulmates, said she barely dreamed and he believed her, felt like he could forget about his soulmate when he was by her side. Jocelyn coaxed him out of his shell, made him go out, but most importantly helped him when his dreams, that turned into nightmares in the following months, got the better of him.
At first he was back to running, but this time it was a run away from someone, not the usual search for purpose among the stars. Even though the running was different it wasn’t what shook him, it was the scenes that started to show a few weeks later.
Disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence and death. Kids of all ages, all of them too thin or already dead. And over and over again a just as thin hand stealing food, caring for the other kids, trying everything to save them. Time after time it woke him up, he was shaking in Jocelyn’s arms, fear making his heart heavy in his chest. She tried to kiss it all better, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, but she was there for him nevertheless. Leonard still feared to go to sleep, afraid of what he might see or worse that he wouldn’t be seeing anything ever again.
The dreams continued, their lives continued and they survived; damaged but alive.
The fight, he had seen in his dreams, to keep everyone alive, was what pushed him further during med school, that made him fight for everyone like his life depended on it. That’s what made him a damn good doctor.
He graduated top of his class with Jocelyn by his side and not long after that they married. It was a bliss at least for some time. Finally he was able to actively help people just like his father, he might have been tired all the time and grumbled about stupid idiots getting hurt, but he truly loved his proffession. Because of his irregular hours at work his sleep schedule became a mess and the dreams didn’t seem to appear as often. Having to stay awake for long periods of time he started to appreciate every hour of sleep he managed to squeeze in between shifts and soon grew accustomed to sleeping through the dreams and if he woke up Jocelyn was fast to distract him, passionate kisses and hot touches replacing the images in his head.
It wasn’t until his father got sick that everything went downhill. He threw himself into work, trying to find a cure. More often than not he ended up falling asleep in the hospital and with that he was out of Jocelyn’s reach. The dreams started to startle him awake again and without Jocelyn’s distractions the feeling of loneliness and longing started to return.
During nights when he couldn’t endure watching his dad suffer or when it felt like the walls of his office were closing in on him, because nothing he tried was working, then he’d sit outside with a bottle of bourbon staring at the stars searching for the guidance, the hope his soulmate clearly found out there in the dark. The longer Leonard had to watch his father suffer, had to watch him become a ghost of his former self and with that had to see his mother break under the knowledge that she might lose her husband, that her son might never find a cure for her soulmate, the more keenly he longed for the dreams of his soulmate and the short escape from reality they offered.
When years ago he had woken from his dreams sweaty, fueled by unwanted adrenaline and annoyed that another night of sleep hab been taken from him, he’d now wake up fond of what he’d seen, almost unconsciously muttering about the dammed reckless idiot, nearly getting themself killed during those stupid night runs, until the cruel reality would hit and even the smallest smile would be erased from his face. It all added up to the one unhealthy routine that became his life.
Leonard worked in the hospital trying to save as many lives as he could, staying past his shift to find a cure for an incurable illness, more often than not sleeping in his office rather than at home where his wife was waiting for him. They barely saw each other and when their schedules allowed them to be in the same place at the same time Leonard could hardly look at her, feeling guilty that he found his comfort in his dreams and at the bottom of a bottle and not in the arms of his wife. They were together and still they couldn’t be further away from one another.
The routine broke the moment his father wanted the unspeakable of him, something Leonard never thought he’d be capable of doing, breaking his oath and the promise he’d given himself to never stop fighting for a life no matter how hopeless it all seemed. David McCoy wanted to die in dignity and not waste away, slowly fading until there was nothing left of the man he once had been. He fulfilled his dad’s last wish, but something died inside him along with his father.
Their shared grief pushed them back towards each other; shared stories about his father, the comfort a familiar shoulder to cry on could offer. It started to feel normal again or as normal as someone could feel after the death of a loved one. A part of him was hopeful that they could go back to what they once had, the passionate and indestructible love they once shared.
And then came the beginning of the end. Only a month after his fathers death a cure was found and it made the ground he’d just gained back grumble away underneath his feet. The grief nagging away at his heart, intensified by the pain he knew his mother must feel. She was a strong woman, the strongest he knew, but he could see through the cracks in her facade of false compsture, could hear the pain when she told stories about her soulmate, mentioned the dreams that she would never have again. Leonard couldn’t look her in the eyes, couldn’t look either of them in the eyes.
He was back at the hospital more often than not, trying to make up for what he had done and with that once again being apart from Jocelyn. They both concentrated on their jobs and ended up living past each other. Their distance grew just as his appreciation, his love for his dreams grew, at first in honor of what his parents had, soon because the connection he felt to the idiot in his dreams was nearly overwhelming. By now his colleagues probably questioned his sanity, for he had stormed out of the ready room on multiple occasions cursing, “Why the fuck- How is this idiot still alive? My soulmate will probably get himself killed before I get a chance to meet him.”
Without him really noticing a year passed and he had spent only a couple of times in their shared bed, even fewer nights with Jocelyn actually next to him. The realization hit him now that he was actually in bed next to his wife, they avoided eye contact; two strangers in a bed. He fell asleep and of course he dreamed, it felt natural by now. He could see the reflection of the blue eyes in puddles and could see the sharp angels, the long muscular body in a windshield that was driving towards him.
“Damn idiot, get out of the road,” he said, before he could catch himself.
Jocelyn sat awake next to him, she didn’t try to distract him with kisses, he probably wouldn’t have accepted it not when all he could think of was the man, by now he was sure it was a man, an idiot running through his mind, his dreams. He was out of the bed before either of them could say anything.
Just like his soulmate he went on a run, he let his heart guide him and ran until his legs gave out. On his knees in the dirt, tears running down his face he looked up at the starlit sky. For a moment he imagined how it would feel to be out there among the lights that seemed so near, but still out of reach, what it would feel like to escape it all, join Starfleet and be gone. Then his aviophobia set in and the all-encompassing fear pushed his thoughts back to earth.
Getting up he made his way back, reaching their house just as the sun started to rise on the horizon. Inside Jocelyn was sitting at their kitchen table, looking tired and Leonard knew it was his fault.
She gestured him over, saying, “Sit down.”
“I’m sorry.” The words left his mouth before he could stop himself.
She smiled at him tightly. “Leonard…Len,” it was the first time in what felt like ages that she’d used the nickname. “We can’t keep going like this.” The first words that were exchanged in something considered normal tones. “You are running yourself to the bone.”
He almost laughed at that, but only a choked sob escaped his throat.
“You work towards an early grave, you don’t sleep enough…you drink too much. It’s like the light in your eyes got dimmed when your father got sick and since his death nothing could light them up again…nothing but those dreams. I can’t stand it any longer, watching you suffer like that. I’m your wife and there’s nothing I can do to make your eyes light up again, so maybe I shouldn’t be your wife anymore, maybe I should never have been, maybe our marriage was bound to fail.”
Emotions threatened to choke him, “Joce…”
“Don’t. I’m not finished. You know I don’t believe in soulmates, but I know you do and maybe I should have after I saw what those dreams did to you, how they could wreck you, but still make you happy and I want you to be happy. Leonard McCoy, you deserve happiness, but so do I and this marriage makes neither of us happy. I want a divorce.”
He only managed to nod. Even though he knew it was for the best, he couldn’t help feeling like she had smashed down one of the pillars of his life, his stability staggering. “I’ll move out, gonna stay with my ma.”
“You don’t have to, this is still our house,” she reached for his arm across the table, giving a squeeze.
“Yes I do, least I can do” he gave her the best smile he could muster. “And Joce, I hope you can find your happiness.”
Leonard stayed in Georgia until their divorce was finalized. Then he left everything behind and followed in a drunken stupor the hints in his dreams; a farmhouse surrounded by cornfields. That's how he ended up in Iowa, in a small town named something with river, he wasn’t exactly sure, it didn’t actually matter. The Starfleet recruiting posters were everywhere and he could only curse his own luck that he ended up in the one town with a Starfleet shipyard just around the corner.
It was another night in one of the town’s bars, trying to drink away the growing pull towards the vastness of space, when a certain Starfleet captain cornered him.
“McCoy?” He wasn’t sure how anyone here could even know him, but the man in the gray uniform apparently did.
Leonard gave an affirmative grunt, but didn’t spare him more than a quick glance, rather taking another sip of his bourbon, concentrating on the familiar burn.
“You’re throwing away your life, son.”
Upon hearing that he did turn to glare at the man, “You have no right to call me that.”
Pike, ignoring his little outburst, continued undisturbed, “Own medical procedure in med school, graduation from med school top of class, head surgeon of a trauma unit in Atlanta at twenty four and you’re drowning all that in alcohol. I want you to use your potential, enlist in Starfleet, what do you have to lose.” The captain was already on his way back out, not waiting for Leonard to answer. “The shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow morning, 0800.”
Leonard drowned the rest of his bourbon in one go, ordering for a refill, “Dammit.”
He went to bed that night drunk, Pike’s words still resounding in his ears. The moment he fell asleep the dream started, it was a bustle of red uniforms, his soulmate in the middle of it all. A bit of flirting with a beautiful woman and suddenly all hell broke loose, a scramble of fists, flying punches and blood. It was a wonder he didn’t wake up from the sensation alone, the sudden ache in his face, his body, his bones. But he saw Captain Pike again and it settled with a certain weight in his stomach and heart that there would be another lost soul on the shuttle, his soulmate.