Work Text:
At first, Remus thought that the cause of his never-ending chills was the cold weather. It was December at Hogwarts and there was already heaps of snow on the grounds of the school, so he had been spending the majority of his time in the Gryffindor common room, working on his year six courses. It just so happened that the Gryffindor common room was one of the coziest places at Hogwarts, and Remus felt quite toasty during his long study sessions. Upon ruling out the cold from the possibilities, he then turned to the chance that the shivering was a new side effect of his monthly problem. His next Moon was coming up next week, but Remus had never experienced these shivers before, so he decided to take a trip to Madame Pomfrey.
To his disappointment, Madame Pomfrey didn’t have the answers he was looking for. She had told him that she couldn’t be sure because she didn’t have much experience dealing with werewolves. Remus understood, yet he was still very unnerved.
After his talk with Madame Pomfrey, as the sun began to set, he walked back to his dormitory and contemplated the last possible cause of his shivering; the one that he has overlooked for years simply because it’s downright pathetic: he is touch-starved. He recognizes that he has been fairly physically withdrawn from people, even his friends, which was a hard feat considering his friends were some of the most physically affectionate people he knew.
James had grown up in an extremely loving family, Fleamont and Euphemia had showered him with all kinds of love as a child and continue to give him tight hugs and sweet kisses on the head. Being close to people was all that James knew of, so he tended to reflect that love upon his friends.
Peter was a bit more reserved, but he always made sure to follow what James did. If James was gesturing for a group hug, then Peter was always the first one to lean in.
Sirius was a bit more complicated. Remus had learned of Sirius’ family trauma, the abuse from his mother, the stern glares from his father, and the more recent harsh arguments with his younger brother Regulus. Sirius had had very little love before coming to Hogwarts. Remus still remembers witnessing the first time they had successfully pranked Professor McGonagall during their first year at Hogwarts. James had turned to Sirius and wrapped his arms around him. Sirius had looked shocked, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape, but he quickly leaned into the hug and tucked his head into the crook of James’ neck. Remus knew then, at the young age of eleven, that Sirius was the kind of person that needed lots of love and affirmation. It was a hard realization to make, even then as Remus knew that it would be very difficult for him to ever be able to be the type of friend that Sirius needed. Remus could tell Sirius he was proud of him, that he was hilarious, that he was clever, or maybe even that he was lovely, but he would never want to subject him to having to wrap his arms around someone as messed up as he was. He had scars, ugly, rugged scars, some that were healing, and some that were just as brutal as the day he inflicted them upon himself in the form of a horrendous beast. Sometimes when he slips his shirt above his head and stares at himself, he wants nothing more than to tear his own skin off until he’s left with muscle and bone. If he feels this way about himself then why in the hell would his own friends want to touch him?
After muttering the day’s password to the Fat Lady, the door swung open and he was yet again back inside of the Gryffindor common room. This time, however, James and Sirius were sitting on one of the couches playing a game of exploding snap. Remus watched as they laughed and playfully slapped each other when the other made a good move, it made him smile and it also made him begin to softly shake. He kept walking, not giving either of his friends a chance to invite him to play because he had no doubt that they would.
As he climbed up the slightly uneven stone stairs, Remus rubbed his hands up and down his arms, hoping that it would make the shivering stop. It gave him a bit of relief, yet he could tell it would not last long.
Remus knew two things, he knew that he was severely touch-starved to the point where his own hands were no longer making up for what he has continuously deprived himself of, and he also knew there was no way that he could ask one of his friends for help as it would just be too embarrassing.
The only thing he could think of doing was to take a hot shower and curl up in his sheets with hopes of falling asleep.
In theory, this was as good of an idea as any, yet Remus woke up only three hours later from the shakes of his limbs. Fuck. he tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable in his bed, yet he knew that there was no way he was going to be able to go back to sleep in his current state. He could no longer think of any alternatives, he would have to go to one of his friends, the only problem was that he was having some trouble deciding who to go to.
Peter was an automatic no, not because Remus felt any sort of negative way about him, just because Peter would be entirely too awkward. He also just wasn’t sure that Peter wouldn’t get annoyed that his sleep would be disrupted.
James was the obvious choice; he was sympathetic and too kind for his own good. He expected that James would immediately tug him close and tell him that he needed to hug people more often and that would make Remus chuckle. He had a feeling that James just wouldn’t understand him and his issue. James had never felt unsure of himself, not even after the countless times he's been rejected by Lily. Remus needed to go to someone who understood what it’s like to feel alone and unwanted.
That’s how he ended up carefully tip-toe-ing over to Sirius’ bed, so as not to wake up the other two. His decision to go to Sirius had absolutely nothing to do with his long-lasting ridiculous feelings for him. It was entirely because he felt that he would be the best choice, at least that's what Remus kept telling himself.
Looking down at Sirius’ sleeping figure, he began to have some second thoughts. Sirius looked so beautiful as he slept, his dark hair splayed around his head, his long eyelashes setting gently upon his cheeks, and his sharp eyebrows in a slight furrow as if he was dreaming of something eventful. Why should he wake someone up who looks so at peace? He began to turn around to walk back to his bed, but he stepped right onto an old bag of Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans, which made an exceptionally loud noise. Sirius jolted awake, looking around the dorm to see what made the noise. He laid his eyes on Remus and gave a small smile.
“What are you doin’ up Moons?”
Remus wasn’t sure how to respond and at the sight of Sirius’ body likely warm from sleep, he began to shake again.
“Uh, I–,” Remus was frozen.
“Are you okay, you look freezing. Are you sick? Do you need me to take you to the hospital wing? Wait, let me just get on a coat, one second.” Sirius spoke quickly, evidently concerned. He made a move to get out of bed but Remus grabbed his arm.
“Sirius, I’m not sick,” Remus uttered quieter than he meant to.
“Oh,” Sirius looked a bit confused, “Then what’s wrong? You hardly ever wake up in the middle of the night.”
Remus took a deep breath in preparation and turned to look at the bedpost, anything other than Sirius’ searching eyes.
“This is going to sound really weird and pathetic, and I know that it's my own fault. I’ve just always thought that I shouldn’t let myself be touched because I expected that no one would want to come near my scars. I know that you guys probably don’t even care about them considering you are with me every moon and you spent so long working on your animagi just to make my time a little bit easier.”
Remus took another deep breath and decided that he should be looking at Sirius if he’s going to tell him what's been gnawing at him these past few days.
“I know it's crazy that I’m thinking these things because you guys are the best people in my life and I know you all care about me. It’s just been really hard to allow myself to get close to people and I’m pretty sure it's finally catching up to me. I can’t stop shaking Pads, no matter what, so can I maybe have a hug from you?”
Voice having cracked with emotion, he stares into Sirius’ eyes, waiting for any type of response. Sirius’ eyes are wide, and his mouth is turned slightly downwards as if it hurt him to hear Remus’ struggles. Without saying anything, Sirius reached his hands and wrapped them around Remus’ middle pulling him into the bed. Remus was having trouble breathing as Sirius pulled the covers up above the both of them and he immediately started running his hand up and down Remus’ back.
Remus slowly began to feel the tension leaving his body, it being brushed away by Sirius’ soothing fingertips. Sirius simply rubbed his hands up and down from the small of Remus' back to the dip between his shoulder blades, making sure to cover every inch. Remus smiled so wide it almost hurt.
“Does that feel any better?” Sirius whispered close to Remus’ ear.
“Yeah, please keep going.”
And Sirius did. He made sure to rub his hands slowly from the tips of Remus’ fingers all the way up his arms. He rubbed over Remus’ chest, feeling the gentle beat of his heart.
“Moons, please never put yourself in this position again,” Sirius’ voice was hushed as if he was trying not to scare Remus off, “You deserve love like everybody else. Whenever you come up with some brilliant plan, or you comfort me after coming back from Grimmauld Place, or even when you’re just reading one of your books with a silly little smile on your face all I can think about is how I want to wrap my arms around you to just show you how much I appreciate you. But I never do, because I just always assumed that you didn’t like to be touched. I'm so, so sorry that I never just asked you. If I would have just asked you then I could have told you that you had it all wrong.” Remus crinkled his eyebrow in confusion nudging Sirius to continue.
“There is no world where I would ever be averse to touching you. I wish so badly that you were able to view yourself as I see you. Moons, you are the most beautiful person I know, both inside…” He rested a hand on Remus’ heart, “And out,'' Sirius then traced his fingertips down Remus’ torso to wrap around his waist.
Remus felt a rush of air leave his lungs. He had never been spoken to like this. Not in a way that made him feel as if he's being dumped in ice whilst roasting by a fire.
“Thank you,” Remus reached his own hands up to cup the face that he's been dreaming of for ages, “I didn’t even know how badly I needed to hear that. I still feel like this can’t be real. I mean you could be saying those sorts of things to anyone in the world, yet you’re saying them to me. Why?”
“Oh Moons, let's just be quiet for a bit, shall we? I’ll let you think on that one, you're incredibly smart so I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Sirius chuckled and moved his hand from Remus’ waist to the small of his back in order to give him a simple hug.
Remus thought back to the days when Sirius would beg him to come to watch him practice for the upcoming Quidditch matches and the days right after the Full when Sirius would report back to him with all of the assignments from the day because even though McGonnagle insisted that he didn’t need to worry about them, Remus still did every single one. He thought of the days he would catch Sirius just staring at him when the four of the Marauders were out by the lake when Sirius would look away as if he was being caught doing something wrong. And then it dawned on him.
“Oh.”
“Do you finally get it?”
The two had been laying in Sirius’ bed, completely immersed in each other for the past thirty minutes, yet it had felt like hardly any time had passed.
“You’re in love with me,” Remus spoke the words without really thinking, not sure they were right, and after they were out, he wished he could slam them back into his mouth and climb into a hole and die.
“Ding, ding, ding, ding.” Sirius smiled that smile that never failed to make Remus’ heart stutter, yet this time he was sure his heart would stop beating completely.
“Are you kidding me? I mean what!? How did I not know this? Why did you not tell me? For how long?” Remus was sort of freaking out but he couldn’t hide the happiness from his voice.
“No, I’m not kidding you, you didn’t know because you’re extremely intelligent but sometimes you can be dumb, I didn’t tell you because I was worried that you wouldn’t feel the same way and it would mess up our dynamic, and I’ve loved you since I met you, but I’d say that I fell in love with you sometime in fourth year after you got your septum pierced. Oh Merlin, Moons you wouldn’t believe what that did to me. Maybe someday I’ll enlighten you.”
The two couldn’t stop smiling at each other, each of them grasping at the other trying to make up for wasted time.
“Will you kiss me?” Remus asked because he just simply had to.
“Of course, I will.”
Sirius brushed his lips gently upon Remus’ cheek, then backed away grinning like a fool.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Sirius feigned perplexity as if Remus wasn’t making sense.
“Oh sorry. No, now I get it.” Remus sighed waiting for Sirius to kiss him for real this time, but it never came. No, instead Sirius moved downwards slightly and pecked the hollow of his throat, and after he looked up to see Remus’ frown of displeasure, he found the same spot, yet this time he sucked gently on the skin, forming a love bite that he hoped would last.
“Sirius?! What are you doing? Are you really going to give me a bloody hickey before you’ve even properly kissed me? Remus was laughing with a slight blush on his cheeks. Damn his Welsh genes.
“I’m just messing with you Moons,” Sirius looked directly at Remus’ lips. “Now come here.”
And Remus did just that. He swiped his thumb across Sirius’ jaw twice before finally connecting their lips in a long-awaited kiss. Remus’ hands immediately went to Sirius’ hair, the hair that he had always imagined gently tugging on. Sirius placed his hand on Remus’ cheek, guiding them into something deeper. Soon there were soft pants between rushed kisses and hands slipping under loose sleep shirts, exploring skin and exploring scars.
Once Remus felt that his lips must have become bruised from the hurried kisses, he gently pulled away with red cheeks and mused hair. He got a chance to look at Sirius and noticed that he wasn't fairing much better.
“I love you too by the way,” Remus spoke the words quietly as if Sirius was the only person in the world who would ever hear them. “I just thought I should let you know in case I hadn’t made it clear. Thank you for being here, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you in my life.”
Sirius’ eyes shone with love and he pecked Remus on the cheek once more.
“Thanks for telling me Moons, you know I love hearing what you have to say even when you're talking about nonsensical rubbish about Ancient Runes or some shit.” Remus just laughed and made a move to get out of the bed.
“Wait where are you going?” Sirius grabbed Remus’ arm for the second time that night.
“I have to go back to my bed. We can’t have James and Peter finding out we’re together by seeing us all curled up in your bed. What would they think?” Remus was set on going back to his own bed even if it was the last thing he wanted to do.
“Well, they would think that we finally got together after incredibly obvious mutual pining.” Sirius was grinning as if he knew something that Remus did not.
“What do you mean by that?” Remus was very suspicious that he was in the dark about something.
“So I sort of kind of told James everything about how I was feeling about you. But you’ve got to understand that I had to tell him. It was killing me just keeping it inside. It turns out that he and Peter already knew that I was in love with you. I guess they’re just very insightful.”
Remus wasn’t even surprised. The only thing that made him mad was that he hadn’t picked up on it in the slightest himself. James and Peter had always been very socially aware.
“So you’re saying that if I were to sleep in your bed tonight they won’t be shocked in the slightest?”
“Correct.”
Remus thought about it for a few moments.
“Alright, then you better not hog the sheets, or else you’ll end up on the ground.”
Sirius just opened up the blankets, gesturing for Remus to join him.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Well, would you look at that?”
James turned to Peter with the smuggest smile on his face.
“I guess we knew it was bound to happen.” Peter was standing next to James as the two boys looked at their two best friends nestled together in Sirius’ bed.
“Yeah, I’m really happy for them. Maybe this is a sign that Lily will finally come to her senses and realize she is head over heels in love with me.”
“I’m not sure about that …” Peter laughed and began to walk outside of their dormitory.
James looked once more at Remus and Sirius and simply smiled before following Peter down for breakfast.