Work Text:
The clock strikes twelve, and it's a new year without Nezumi's presence again. By this time Shion has stopped having any expectations, and instead stands up to do spring cleaning. He brushes the dust off the shelves, filled with books from Nezumi's collections, and nostalgia hits him in the face with the musty smell. Shion ties on an apron and hastily gets to work, arranging the books neatly in their correct places. He hums to himself in an attempt to keep his spirits up, as Cravat comes climbing onto his shoulder, watches patiently. Shion tries not to resist asking the mouse if Nezumi's returning any time soon, and focuses on the task at hand. An oddly shaped book sticks out, its pages yellowed and faded out. He takes it out, flips the pages and gasps at the familiar handwriting, giggling to himself at his newfound discovery. Taking a deep breath, he holds the book in one hand, places the other on his chest and reads it out loud dramatically. It is a poor attempt at recreating Nezumi's theatre rehearsals he used to always watch at home, but an amusing one indeed.
(i)
we were meant to be worlds apart, the possibility of crossing borders
do not cross my mind. but your bold howls called out to me,
pure kindness striking me in the heart like lightning;
sparks fly, warmth radiating like a crackling fireplace
as i held your tiny hand. this might be the beginning of a
wild forest fire that gave me these burns,
that left me to fend for myself in scorching hell.
"People are warm when they are alive."
"Yeah." you laughed contently, squeezing my hand.
you are dangerous, i should have slit your throat
but i didn't want to stain my hands with the
spill of your life. you grew into me like weeds invading
a long abandoned shed and since then i could tell that
you would never leave because these hands of mine aren't
they aren't gardener's hands.
(ii)
my blood runs on the adrenaline rush from
illegal activities, defiance and rebellion. the heart beats
at a rate faster than my legs, i can feel hot sparks at the heels of
my weathered feet. yours meanders through arteries like
gentle rivers, obedience to all and trusting that the course will
naturally bring you to the desired destination. your heart thumps like
the muffled sounds of a drum, unwavering rhythm at a relaxed pace.
"Shion. No.6 or me. Make your choice."
"How can you expect me to choose between two homes?"
you talk about a dream of building a new world, i talk bitterly
about destroying the current world. i don't believe in in-betweens,
only black and white, can't you see this is a game of chess?
one wrong move, and it's the end, so decide now. we
don't speak of grey areas, not when i witnessed you
hovering between life and death.
(iii)
sirens lured me in, i was on the edge of succumbing to
the dark, allowing myself to be taken away, but i could
hear your voice, desperate and raw, screaming my name
like i did when you were writhing in pain, hands clutching
at my shirt and the bedsheets. you grabbed my hand and
pulled me out, like how i took yours and guided you through
a classic waltz while you stumbled along, flustered and
eyes like the crimson setting sun, staring into mine.
"There are many things I don't understand. But nothing scares me more than the thought of losing you."
"Am I the one who understands nothing? Shion, who are you?"
blatant lies and cover-ups were insufficient. i knew,
that you would be mad, outraged and feeling betrayed, (maybe
now we can part easily.) you too, don't act like you didn't do it too.
giving a first kiss as your last, disguising farewells as goodnight,
not goodbyes, this is not what i wanted you to learn from me.
there should be warning tape on you labelled "fragile, do not touch."
for the first time, my stomach was twisted in frayed knots
that could be united. is this what worry feels like?
(iv)
the plan is set, it's now or never. they destroyed the
already failing city, houses crumbling and people
falling to their knees, begging for the lives they never had.
you insisted on saving lives when you can't even save yourself;
ambitious, selfless idiot. when will you realize there aren't miracles?
as captives, we were thrown onto a mountain of carcasses,
the infiltration begins, silently i pray to a god i don't believe in.
"What you see from here on out may change you.
But I don't want you to change. I want you to stay the Shion I know."
always falling too many steps behind me, you slip, i flinch.
however, it seems you know the way, like a trained police dog with
a great sense of smell (for danger). uncannily your steps are more calculated,
clear and firm unlike the fumbling, unsure person i know. with each step,
dread pools in my stomach; it floods me when i watched you pick up the gun,
doing unspeakable things, in the name of protecting me. no,
this isn't the Shion i know. please, come back to me, don't tell me
you've caught the rabies, i know you're still in there somewhere.
(v)
i forced myself to twist the pain into a sinister smile,
reciting lines unrehearsed, casting myself the role of a villain.
the limelight is on me now and the audience hates me,
you, the protagonist, are shocked by the sudden change in roles.
this is called a white lie, made up to hurt others unintentionally
while telling yourself it doesn't hurt. i will stay in character,
or the play will fall apart, unless
"Were you using me? Nezumi?"
"What's with that expression? You and I could never..."
the thought hits me like the bullet aimed at your chest,
you should not have met me;
red isn't a nice color on you, i should have known from the start.
maybe you should have closed the windows, drew the curtains
before i had the chance to sneak in, maybe i should have tried harder,
to keep you out and keep myself safe, keep you safe.
i risked meeting you, i will not risk losing you. again.
not when you've just saved me, told me to keep my eyes open;
please, stay with me, let my voice accompany you wherever
you go, soothing tunes like a painful lullaby, don't you go,
after how far we've come.
(vi)
the walls have been broken down, two worlds finally
become one. standing on top of the world, reunited;
we gaze upon a new era, new dreams and new faces.
my job here is done, despite deviation from intended destruction,
i smile. your lips are downturned, eyes yearning and tears welling.
closing the distance between us, i tilt your head, taste your lips
shortly but sweetly like a childhood bedtime story.
"Nezumi, don't tell me this is a goodnight kiss."
"It's okay, you're going to be fine."
it doesn't change that i can't comprehend how opposites could coexist
but maybe that's why when i'm with you, everything feels lukewarm
and everything is alright, tentatively. maybe not for long,
but for now and now is all that matters.
it's going to be fine because i'll return someday,
because i have finally found a home in you.
By the time Shion is finished, he finds himself unable to hold in tears and tries not to ruin Nezumi's journal with his teardrops. Shion is a sap, but who knew that Nezumi was the sappiest guy he could ever find. He sniffles and accepts Cravat's comfort; a little snuggle from the small creature. Nostalgia fills him with emotion and all at once, the room seems too big for one, too empty and quiet. Shion misses the way Nezumi would act out his plays with no restraint or shame, the way he watches intently as Karan bakes his favourite pastries, the way his legs would curl around Shion's even as he grumbles to his request to cuddle. He feels achingly cold, and the hollow in his heart demands to be filled. As he recalls the old memories they shared, he hears a slight shuffle of the window curtains. Shion turns, squints in the darkness but sees nothing except the same scenery he has always seen. He sighs and turns back. At that very moment, he feels sturdy warm arms snug around his waist and a sharp bony chin on his shoulder.
"Sorry Shion, I'm late."
"Idiot." Shion manages to sob out, as he turns around to take in the man he has missed for eternity. He takes a deep breath, gazes fondly at Nezumi and tiptoes to give him a chaste kiss. Nezumi blinks confusingly for a while, but relaxes into the tiniest of smiles.
"Have you been snooping on me again?" Nezumi starts to furrow his eyebrows, looking at Shion's hands hidden behind his back.
He laughs, wiping his tears. "No, Nezumi. I love you."
"Idiot."
I love you too.