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“Gotta go,” Levi said as he smoothed out his wrinkled shirt and checked the phone. The bright light felt uncomfortable in the rather dark room.
“Already?” Farlan sighed and rolled onto his side on the bed, facing the other man, and rested his head on his arm. He didn’t look like he’d like to get up any time soon. “Don’t you want to stay for dinner, at least? I can make your favourite risotto,” he suggested with an inviting smile.
“Sorry, I’m tired and still have some work to do at home,” Levi rejected the idea and started gathering his things.
“Okay,” Farlan didn’t argue any further and sat up slowly. He stretched his back and stood up. “I’ll walk you to the stop, then.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to,” Farlan assured his boyfriend with a radiant smile and pecked him on the cheek.
“Okay,” Levi agreed and persuaded himself to crack a smile. Farlan stroked his cheek and headed to grab his jacket.
Winter had rolled around; a thin layer of snow covered all small grass areas around untouched by road salt. The air outside was crisp, chilly enough that Farlan’s warm hand should have felt pleasant holding Levi’s always cold one, but in fact, Levi felt as if the hand was wrapped around his throat, suffocating him.
“Just don’t overwork yourself and go to bed early, I can tell you haven’t been sleeping enough lately,” Farlan exhorted, obviously concerned for his boyfriend’s well-being.
“Yeah, sure. You know I’ve been stressed out more than usual. It’ll get better,” Levi said and looked over his shoulder to see whether the bus was coming. Not yet.
“I know. I just want you to rest properly. I know you for long enough to notice how screwed-up your sleep schedule even without any additional stress is. And you seem way more absentminded lately. I don’t want you to drain yourself completely.”
“Sorry. I’ll get my shit together.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me,” Farlan chuckled and took Levi’s other hand as well, squeezing it gently. He was looking down at him lovingly and Levi thought his heart was about to explode. Where was the damned bus?
To Levi’s relief, the vehicle appeared from around the corner.
“The bus is here,” he murmured. Farlan gave a quick glance its way before looking back at Levi.
“See you on Saturday, then.”
“See you on Saturday,” Levi confirmed. They kissed, but Levi withdrew as soon as the bus stopped near them, and hurriedly got in. He didn’t look behind again and sat down heavily on an empty seat in the back of the vehicle. He took a deep breath, exhaled with a sigh. The doors closed and the bus set off.
Levi looked out of the scratched window. He tried to perceive only the surroundings illuminated by streetlamps while doing his best to get rid of the strange pressure in his lungs and uncomfortable pricking all around his heart. Both of these gradually faded away on their own, stabilizing on this weird heaviness in his chest. He wasn’t short of oxygen, no tangible obstacle stood in his airways, but he couldn’t shake off the unpleasant, weighty feeling. For three weeks already. Since he started dating Farlan, actually.
“Yeah, don’t worry, I did receive the invitation,” Erwin reassured his friend with a slight smile on his lips even though Mike couldn’t see it. He took the phone with his other hand and put it by his left ear so he could comfortably reach for a mug on the shelf. He turned to the coffee machine.
“Great. Sorry, I guess I‘m just getting kind of nervous. We agreed with Nan we don’t want any of those unnecessarily big weddings, you know, but in the end there are still so many things to organize and to remember, way more than I expected, honestly.”
“Don’t tell me you want to back away now,” Erwin teased.
“Never!” Mike rejected the idea immediately, “Nan is the best woman of my life and I do want to marry her, no doubts. I’d just be even happier if it could involve less work,” he laughed. “Anyway, that leads me to a few small favours I wanted to ask you, if you wouldn’t mind helping out a bit, please? Nothing too time-demanding, I promise.”
“Sure, no problem,” Erwin agreed, waiting for his friend to elaborate on these favours some more while watching the last few drops of coffee dribble into the mug.
“Well, are you free on Saturday? We’ll have some beer and I’ll explain everything to you,” Mike suggested.
“Alright, that works with me.”
“Perfect. I’ll text you on Friday, I’m not sure now at what time exactly I’ll be able to make it.”
“Okay. I don’t think I’ll have any other important plans, so I guess the time is completely up to you. Bye for now, then.”
“Bye. And thanks a lot!”
“No problem,” Erwin said with a short laugh before the call ended. The smile stayed on his lips for a few more seconds until it gradually melted away as he took his hot espresso and headed to his bedroom. On the desk, there was a decent pile of documents waiting for him to go through them all. He’d spent his eight hours at work today, but that didn’t mean he was done with everything he needed to do. A promotion was in sight, so he couldn’t afford to slacken up now. Not that he needed the raise so desperately, he simply enjoyed his job and a higher position naturally offered more opportunities for his career growth. Therefore, he usually didn’t mind burying himself in the contracts for the whole evening instead of watching TV or spending time with his friends; who most of them wanted to invest their time in their spouses anyway. Only Erwin was married to his work, as he got teased from time to time. Often, he was able to pretend even in front of himself that he didn’t mind, that he actually preferred it this way. However, not every day.
Today, he sat down on the chair, put the coffee on the desk in a safe distance from all the papers and felt no energy to focus. The worst part of it was his perfect awareness of what had put him in such a foul mood which brought all the guilt and self-condemnation along. Of course, he was happy his best friend was about to marry the woman he loved. Erwin himself had been the one to encourage Mike to finally propose to Nanaba. At the same time, though, it only made Erwin wonder about his own, rather tragic love life again, as almost all of his friends and acquaintances his age were settled down with their cherished other half now, wearing their wedding rings proudly and planning a bunch of children, if not already raising some.
In fact, Erwin wasn’t sure if he could speak about any kind of love life in his case. He had briefly dated Marie all these years ago he barely remembered how many dates they had been on together even though he was sure their relationship hadn’t lasted for more than a month. Marie had been a beautiful girl, young woman, the popular one that had turned heads of all men, but also so thoughtful and kind that almost no other girl could have really despised her out of jealousy. Erwin had fallen under her charming spell and had been so sure this was the woman he’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with in a big house with a spacious, colourful garden, in which their little kids would have enough room to play, maybe even with a dog or cat, while Erwin’s successful career would earn him enough money to pamper his beloved family and give them everything they would desire.
To this day, he had no idea what exactly had gone wrong. He’d thought he’d won in a lottery when the girl of his dreams, of everyone’s dreams, had seemed to reciprocate his feelings.
The feelings that had somehow disappeared, all of sudden. Marie had still been gorgeous and nice any time they’d met, but for an unknown reason, from the moment she’d told him she hadn’t wanted them to be only friends either, something hadn’t felt right. Erwin had been sure he’d been only too nervous at the beginning, it had been his first girlfriend, after all, so he had been everything but experienced. At the same time, though, he’d stopped feeling comfortable around her at all. This hadn’t been the same nervousness he’d known from important exams or presentations with a larger audience, this had been something that had felt insurmountable. A strange heaviness had settled in his lungs, his heart had ached as if an invisible hand had been squeezing it, making him breathless anytime he’d appeared around his girlfriend he’d used to long for so much. The feeling had been unbearable, bringing insecurity and anxiousness that had destroyed most of their dates. He’d known he couldn’t have gone on like this anymore; he’d decided, as always, to be reasonable and had ended their relationship. After that, the inexplicable pain in his chest had mysteriously disappeared.
Today, Erwin was still alone and focusing on his work related responsibilities, while Marie was still beautiful and now even married to one of Erwin’s good friends, living in a big family house as the happy Dok family was expecting another baby very soon.
It hadn’t been like Erwin had given up on dating after Marie. He’d tried to flirt with other women some time later, but unsuccessfully, not feeling any kind of real attraction to any of them. After a while, he’d gathered enough courage to admit to himself that the gender might have been the case. However, whenever he’d attempted to get closer to any likeable man with more than simply friendly intentions, the outcome had been the same disaster. Independently on the gender, every effort had gone in vain and resulted in the unpleasant feeling of stabbing right into his heart that had always made him draw back and leave to be able to take a deep breath and recover from the incomprehensible condition.
At some point, he’d stopped trying, and here he was – his 30th birthday was knocking on the door and he was spending his evenings in company of rather monotonous contracts, perseveringly repeating to himself that he loved his job and needed nothing more. Sometimes he believed it, sometimes he wanted to both laugh and cry at such an idea. If no one in the world was destined for him, why did he crave a romantic relationship deep down in his sore heart, then? Was it all just social pressure?
The chest pain had unnerved him, too, of course. After some delaying, he'd finally convinced himself to visit a doctor to have his heart and lungs checked. Fortunately, all the examinations he'd gone through had detected nothing out of ordinary with any of his organs; according to modern medicine, he was as healthy as a horse. His close friends whom he'd confined in with his problem had suggested he should stop overworking himself, slow down a bit and maybe even contact a psychologist in case life-style changes wouldn’t help. However, Erwin had been stubborn. He'd kept telling himself that he could have dealt with the issue on his own. He had tried to rest some more, but when it hadn't solved anything, he'd just slowly dived deeper and deeper into his work, persuading himself that this had been the best thing he could do.
Erwin sighed and took a sip of the coffee. With a thought that this was going to be a long and difficult evening, he finally reached for the documents, quite certain he was about to spend significantly more time staring into the white wall than working today.
The bar wasn’t very noisy at this hour. It was still too early for most people to get drunk properly and considering the fact at least half of the chairs were empty yet, the staff must have only awaited the usual Saturday horde of customers. Levi liked it here if he could flee away before the space became overcrowded. The place was well-kept and clean, drinks for fair prices. Almost a shame he’d decided to stain their favourite bar with a memory of a very unpleasant conversation.
“I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. I guess I’m simply broken,” Levi scoffed unamused.
“Don’t say that,” Farlan told him with a frown. Then he sighed. “Don’t you want to give it a little bit more time? It’s not even a month. We may take things slower, meet less often,” he suggested.
“Farlan, I didn’t mind meeting you every fucking day when we were just friends. I just apparently can’t do relationships, that’s all,” Levi said frustrated and lowered his gaze onto the wooden table. He took a deep breath and attempted to relax the tension in his shoulders. “Listen,” he started then, trying his best to speak in a softer voice when he looked back up at Farlan, “you know I care about you. That’s why I don’t want to prolong it, it’d be only worse for both of us.”
Farlan pursed his lips and stayed silent for a bit. “Are you sure about it?” he asked. Levi saw in the dismal expression that his friend hoped for him to say that no, he wasn’t and they could try it again after all, but Levi also knew he couldn’t do that for the sake of their friendship and for the sake of his own aching heart.
“Hundred percent sure,” he said hence without further hesitation.
“Alright,” Farlan gave up. There were another few seconds of uncomfortable silence between them, before Farlan pulled his wallet out of his pocket and spoke again: “I guess I’ll go home now, then. I need... some time. I just-“
“Leave it,” Levi interrupted him, “I’ll pay. Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay,” Farlan agreed and put the wallet back after he stood up. “Well... thanks. See you later, Levi,” he said with a faint smile.
“Yeah, see you,” Levi replied. Farlan left, his glass of beer standing half full on the table.
It had been a terrible idea. Levi had no clue how he could have ever thought that this would end any different. Had he really been so desperate that he had been willing to risk the life-long friendship for a stupid relationship?
He couldn’t say it all wasn’t horribly frustrating. He’d never needed many people around him, felt better being left alone most of the time. He hadn’t really desired a marriage and kids. He had also been fairly sure that he hadn’t been into women. It didn’t mean he’d never wanted any relationship, though, or at least sex. He was a human, too, after all. However, no one had seemed to meet his requirements and if there had appeared someone who looked like he could, this random fucking heartache had prevented Levi from anything, paralyzing him, which resulted in Levi rejecting everyone who could potentially be interested in him. He’d always thought he’d simply hated people too much, that getting too close to anyone had naturally made him distressed. He’d been bad at social interactions, awkward with words, nothing new for him. Therefore, he’d never mentioned the chest pain aloud. He’d blamed the condition on exhaustion, stress or constipation, and decided to ignore it as much as possible. So when he and his best friend had crossed the line dividing a strong friendship and a romantic relationship almost a month ago, he’d thought he should have given it a shot. He’d always felt comfortable around Farlan, so he’d concluded if it wouldn’t work with him, it wouldn’t work with anyone ever.
And here he was now. Sitting alone at a small table with his third beer already after breaking his best friend’s heart, feeling more at peace than during the whole previous month as the dull ache in his chest gradually left him, letting him breathe freely after a long month of consuming him alive.
Over time, more people had flooded into the bar, most chairs and stools occupied by now. However, Levi had no intention to leave yet, although this was usually the time when he would do so to avoid the crowds. His eyes half-absently scanned the people coming in and going out of the main entrance. Two blonde men were just heading out; especially the smaller one of them – although very tall as well – and his chiming laugh caught Levi’s attention.
Oh come on. He’d just hurt Farlan’s feelings half an hour ago for his own selfish reasons and was already looking at other men. What a shitty person he was. And as if it wouldn’t end the same way as always.
“Sorry to leave you so soon, I thought Nan would take much longer,” Mike said as he and Erwin stepped out of a decent bar in the city centre. The cold air didn’t prevent groups of friends from wandering through the streets looking for some fun on the Saturday evening. The clock showed around six p. m.; however, the beginning of February meant it was dark already.
“No problem. We’ve been here for almost two hours, after all,” Erwin replied with a smile. They walked on the sidewalk to a wide parking lot just around the corner.
“Still, who would think a woman could pick her wedding dress in less than two hours?”
“Aren’t you the one who keeps repeating that Nan is nothing like an ordinary woman?” Erwin reminded him.
“Fair point,” Mike acknowledged with a laugh.
“We talked through everything you needed, did we?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’ll call you if Nan reminds me of anything else,” Mike said and started looking for the silver Volkswagen among all the other parked cars. His fiancée appeared in sight in a minute.
“Hi, Mike, hi, Erwin!” Nanaba said and waved cheerfully, standing by the driver’s door.
“Hi, babe,” Mike greeted her with a smile and a kiss on the forehead.
“Hi, Nan,” Erwin said and offered a smile, too.
“Where’s Lynne?” Mike realized.
“She had to leave already, has some plans with her boyfriend tonight.”
“Did you successfully choose your dress?” Erwin asked.
“Yes, I’ve booked it, so one more responsibility I can tick off the list, thanks god.”
“Mike mentioned you’re snowed under the preparations, once or twice. Or maybe every single time I talked to him,” Erwin divulged with a smirk.
“Come on, man, that’s not true!” Mike defended himself. Nanaba chuckled.
“It’s true that we are. Shouldn’t we call the wedding off, after all?”
“What? No way!” Mike protested. Both Nanaba and Erwin laughed.
“Don’t worry, honey, I would never,” she promised her fiancée and turned back to the other man. “And what about you, Erwin? How are you?”
“Good, thanks.”
“Do you want a ride home?” she offered.
“No, that’s okay, thank you,” he refused politely. He didn’t feel like going home, honestly.
They said their goodbyes shortly after and parted. Erwin’s legs led him back to the busy street, directly to the already bustling bar.
Aside from other trifles, Mike had asked him to be his best man. Truthfully, Erwin had expected it; not that it hadn’t flattered him. Nevertheless, Mike had no siblings, and he and Erwin had been as inseparable as real brothers since their childhood. If it had been the other way around, Erwin would have asked Mike without hesitation, too. However, as Erwin thought gloomily, it’d probably never be the other way around.
People in the bar were almost packed like sardines. Quite a change in those twenty minutes Erwin had spent outside. He walked to the bar counter first, ordering a shot of whiskey, which he, in the end, drank in one go. He didn’t hurry this much with the second one; he asked for a double shot, took the glass and went to look for an empty seat – all stools by the counter were occupied. And as he found out a minute later, there was no empty table in the bar, either. He noticed just one potential place. Bigger groups of people were sitting around all tables, except this one in the corner, where only one young man was taking a sip from a fresh glass of beer.
There was something special about the man. Maybe the unusual way his slender fingers held the glass by the rim. He looked young, but Erwin wouldn’t guess less than 23 years old. His short figure must have taken him a few years off. His features were sharp, thin eyebrows furrowed in a frown. Despite that, Erwin felt allured closer, and before he thought about it, his legs carried him to the table.
“Excuse me,” he started carefully, “may I?” he said, gesturing towards the empty chair. The man lifted his grey, rather unfriendly gaze and eyed Erwin’s whole form. At first, Erwin thought he was going to send him to hell, but in the end, the man shrugged.
“Suit yourself,” he said and gulped some more of his beer. His voice was deep, a little bit husky. Attractive.
“Thanks,” Erwin said and cracked a smile even though the man averted his eyes, looking somewhere into the crowd in the middle of the room.
Erwin sat down and put the old-fashioned glass on the wooden surface. He gave the man across the table another short glance before he looked around as well. Nothing in particular caught his eye, though, and his attention was repeatedly drawn back to the dark-haired man. Unfortunately, he seemed like he didn’t want to chat. Truth to be told, Erwin could use a bit of a distraction and on top of that, he wanted to know more about the man.
He scolded himself mentally. There was no point getting his hopes up; he knew how it was going to end, anyway. Not that the handsome man would be interested, in the first place.
Erwin sighed and reached for his glass, sipping a bit of the expensive, malty liquor.
“Rough day?” the man said. Surprised, Erwin looked at him. The piercing eyes were fixed on him. Erwin shrugged.
“More or less,” he replied and returned the whiskey back onto the table, his index finger circling the rim absently. After a short pause, he decided to add some more detail: “My best friend asked me to be his best man.”
“Is that a bad thing?” the man asked, his head cocked slightly to his left side.
“Not really, no,” Erwin said and shook his head.
“Only in case he’s marrying the girl you’re into,” the man suggested. Erwin laughed. He'd never thought about such a thing.
“She's an amazing woman, indeed, but that's not the case, fortunately.”
“So you're into your best friend.”
Erwin raised his eyebrows, amused. “No, not even that,” he assured him. “You sound you're speaking from experience, though,” he prompted curiously.
The corners of the man's full lips twitched into a slight smirk.
“Not really, no,” he said. Erwin would swear he saw a playful flash in the grey eyes. They appeared to be more approachable now. However, the sparkle was gone the second before the man lowered his gaze. “About an hour ago, I guess I broke my best friend's heart for the sake of saving my own from bursting into million little pieces,” he revealed more about himself. He rolled his eyes a moment later. “God, that sounded too dramatic,” he commented with his nose wrinkled in a disapproving manner and reached for the beer once again.
“Are you interested in someone else?” Erwin asked. The man shook his head.
“It just seems to never work out. No matter with whom.”
“I get that,” Erwin said with a slight smile, which he hoped didn’t look too sad.
“Don’t tell me you’re single.”
“I am.”
“Bullshit.”
“Why do you think so?” Erwin asked curiously, his brows tilted. The man breathed in as if getting ready to answer, but in the end, he only shrugged and drank some more. His eyes stayed down, looking at the content of his glass. Erwin didn’t want the conversation to die down.
“It never works out for me, too. And I have no idea why,” he confessed.
“Too high standards?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“I think it might be the problem in my case,” the man wondered, “or at least I thought so. But my best friend isn’t an annoying piece of shit, at least not most of the time, and still... something is wrong with me.”
“I can relate to this,” Erwin mused. He drank the whiskey, holding the liquor in his mouth for a while longer to enjoy the taste more vividly before swallowing it. He wasn’t looking at the man now. “You know, there’s something about... about your heart bursting into million little pieces, as you said. It happens to me all the time. Every time I fancy someone and especially when it looks like it’s reciprocated, I just... There’s this strange pressure in my chest and I-“
“Are you sure you’re not simply constipated?” the man cut him off with a sneer.
“Yes, I think I’d feel the pressure in different body parts in that case,” Erwin grinned a bit sheepishly. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to talk about this with a stranger. He took another sip.
“It happens to me, too,” the man said. Erwin froze for a second and his eyes flicked to the brunet.
“I always thought I couldn’t stand people touching me at all, but I never minded when Farlan did, in the friendly way. I trust him. But then, anytime he kissed me, as if he stabbed me right into the heart at the same time. Most of the time, I thought I’d just pass out in a minute,” the man confessed.
“That’s exactly what happens to me!” Erwin exclaimed in disbelief. “I once thought I found the love of my life, but out of nowhere, I couldn’t breathe around her, my heart hurt and I thought I was about to get a heart attack. And it repeated with any other person,” he said. He moved with the chair closer to the man. He got an absurd idea he probably wouldn’t if he was completely sober. “May I try something?”
“What?” the man said, but instead of a verbal answer, Erwin’s hands appeared on his cheeks and he kissed him.
“The hell you think you’re doing?!” the man blurted right after their lips divided, eyes wide. “You-“
“Did it hurt?”
“What? Why should it-“ the man paused suddenly and blinked. “No,” he said, “no, it didn’t hurt.”
Erwin smiled, one of his hands still on the man’s hot cheek, the other on his slender neck. “Can I try it again?”
The man swallowed. “Alright,” he mumbled. This time, he closed his eyes and met Erwin halfway. They kissed slowly, carefully. Erwin felt all tension in the man’s small body slowly melt away under his hands. None of them wanted to push it, though, so Erwin withdrew in a minute. He couldn’t help his lips stretching into a wide, genuine smile. The man didn’t avoid his eyes, his gaze way softer than up until now.
“Would you maybe like to go for dinner sometime?” Erwin asked.
“So you’re asking me out without at least introducing yourself first?”
“Oh, my apologies,” Erwin laughed. “My name is Erwin Smith.”
“I’m Levi Ackerman.”
“It’s a beautiful name. It suits you,” Erwin said with a smile. Levi rolled his eyes but didn’t look entirely displeased.
“So, Levi, would you like to go on a date with me? Please?”
“Give me your number and I’ll call you later.”
“Okay,” Erwin agreed, and after Levi unlocked his phone, he dictated the phone number.
April brought beautiful spring weather that enabled the newlyweds to take perfect wedding photos in a lovely flower garden after the successful ceremony. Gelgar played the role of the photographer today as it was a long-standing passion of his, while his girlfriend Lynne, the maid of honour, and Erwin with Levi accompanied them to assist with anything needed during the photoshoot.
“We’ve spent almost an hour here, we should get back to the reception. The guests are waiting for too long by now,” Nanaba worried.
“No stress, Nan, I’m sure if nothing else, your father can entertain them all for hours,” Mike reassured her with a smile and pulled her closer to steal a short kiss.
“And it’s important to have tangible memories from such a significant day!” Lynne said.
“The photos look great, you two are stunning,” Gelgar added satisfied, checking the last photo they’d just taken.
The group headed to a nearby hotel building in which the reception took place. Only Erwin didn't move. Levi stayed behind with him and raised his eyebrows in a silent question. An affectionate smile graced Erwin's handsome face.
"I'm just really happy for them," he said.
"Yeah, me too," Levi agreed. He knew Mike and Nanaba for less than a month, but he wished them only the best.
"And I'm really happy you're here with me, Levi," Erwin continued and took Levi's hand gently in his.
"Well, not that you'd have let me say no," Levi said with false annoyance. Erwin chuckled, watching his boyfriend.
"You look absolutely gorgeous in the suit. I can't wait for our own wedding," Erwin sighed dreamily. Levi's eyes widened.
"Ho ho ho, hold up! I feel you're getting quite ahead of yourself and skipping more than one step!"
However, nothing could erase the smile from Erwin's face.
"Come on, darling, we've got even Farlan's blessing already. He wants to see you happy, and so do I."
"Tch. Seems like you forgot that I'm dating you just because it doesn't hurt."
"Oh, you are? It didn't look like that on the Tuesday night, as far as I can remember," Erwin purred with a wannabe innocent grin. Levi frowned, embarrassed.
"Shut up, idiot. We should go inside, too," he said and turned to the building, but Erwin pulled him back by the hand.
"Not until you admit there’s more into it," he teased.
"Hah, not a chance," Levi refused, looking straight into the blue eyes defiantly. He was receiving a fond gaze in response.
"I love you, Levi. Very much," Erwin confessed and leaned in slowly. Levi breathed out.
"I love you too," he mumbled a moment before their lips connected. Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin's neck while the big hands held his hips, and melted into the tender kiss.
Their hearts were beating strongly, delighted to be finally together.